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Us Weekly

Invading Force: Jessica Simpson and entourage

Annexing: A cool terrace

The newly crowned style maven is already ruining the world of haute couture, changing this traditionally selfless industry of altruism into a ruthless Michael Vick houseparty. At a W magazine event earlier this week — held in an apartment that was, for some unexplained reason, "extremely hot" — Simpson's publicists barred guests from the cooling balcony so the actress and her posse could lower their core temperatures in isolation. "I am livid," one eyewitness told Us as most guests headed for the door. Simpson responded with unassailable logic: "I get to be here as a fashionista. I want to wear heels all the time and the fact that my shoes are doing the numbers that they're doing means everyone wants to wear heels all the time, too."

Star

Invading Force: Seattle-area house hunters

Annexing: Sanjaya's childhood home

For the bargain price of $360,000, you can sleep in the same bedroom where the former American Idol star used to do you-know-what while fantasizing about God-knows-what. He's fleeing his five-bedroom, one-bath split-level for Hollywood, with nothing but his hair, his name recognition and a dream. "On the back of flyers for the home is an autographed picture of Sanjaya, and the Idol singer also intends to play a song with a slide of the house on the broker's Web site," says Star.

In Touch

Invading Force: Vanessa Hudgens' nudeness

Annexing: Our eyes and limbic systems

By now everyone knows that the young star of High School Musical 2 took some porny pictures of herself and sent them to her co-star boyfriend, Zac Efron, and the rest of the world. What you may not know is that Disney can't even replace Hudgens with The Cheetah Girls' Adrienne Bailon for High School Musical 3, as has been rumored they'd like to do. Why? Because Vanessa's genius agent made sure the starlet doesn't work for anyone. Brilliant! "Vanessa's not an ‘employee' of Disney, so there's nothing to be fired from," her publicist assures the magazine. — Will Doig

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For this episode of "Livin' 'Neath the Law with Jack McBrayer" we learn how to shank a drug dealer for some Kibbles 'n Bits. We'd say "Don't try this at home," except we think that's actually the point of the video. —NP

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What's the newest threat to Homeland Security? Short skirts. A 23-year-old college student in a mini-skirt was told she'd have to change into something more modest before flying from San Diego to Tucson on Southwest Airlines. Now people are talking incessantly about appropriate dress for flying, and rights, and prudishness, and patriotism, and children. But this is a case of a cranky-ass flight attendant drunk on power. It is not something we need to hash out and trot around the media for weeks and weeks. You want to wear a mini-skirt, then wear one. We recently flew to Vegas in pasties and hot pants. Nobody said a thing. —NP

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Why do we feel slightly dirty and sweaty after watching this video? It's not like we were jazzercizing in French-cut leotards and Reebok high-tops. (Big crotch thrust to Jo for the link.) —NP

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We'd like to call this the best thing we've seen today, but we're way too excited about the Tila Tequila bisexual dating show. Even so, the thread on the Chronicle of Higher Education website tracking sightings of thongs, tramp stamps, and other wardrobe malfunctions on college students is pretty awesome. There may be nothing better than seeing a bunch of dirty-minded professors dissect the muffin top. Click on the link and be edumacated. (Thanks to Greg for the link) —NP

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Look, people, we have places to go and daytime television to watch, so we really can’t linger on the details here: Middle school teacher Allena Ward. Entered guilty plea. Money quote:

Authorities say the married former teacher had sexual encounters with five teenage students at Bell Stree Middle School. There were reports of incidents at a motel, a park, and behind a restaurant.

And back to our regularly scheduling slacking. — SH


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People, this is the kind of news story we live for. Look at that photo! Who is smarter, chimps or babies? We don’t know, but we will say that our chimp is enjoying the shit out of his Baby Bjorn. Man, Time is really ahead of the curve on this one. Who said print journalism is dead? — SH

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If you were hoping the High School Musical hype was going to go away, think again. Now, television’s most watched show ever has its own sex scandal: Star (and Zac Efron sweetie) Vanessa Hudgens may have been fired from HSM 3 after naked pictures leaked online. This is emabarrassing for Vanessa, sure, but the fact that we even know the names “Zac Efron” and “Vanessa Hudgens” is proof of her cultural triumph. High School Musical, you win this round. — SH


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Summer brings back memories of sitting on our grandmother's couch, eating Klondike bars, and watching daytime talk shows. Now that August is over, we're getting nostalgic for our daily fix, and these ladies are some of our favorite hosts. We love Tyra for her no-nonsense attitude, Kelly Ripa for her bubbly personality, and Oprah because... well, because she's Oprah. So now we must ask you: Who would you wed on the Today Show with Al Roker officiating, who would you nail in the green room, and who would get replaced by re-runs of The Price Is Right?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

• Kelly Ripa

• Tyra Banks

• Oprah Winfrey

—NP

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Fifty people mooned Bush this morning in Sydney in an anti-war protest. Calling themselves “Bums for Bush,” the group was hoping to break the world record for mooning, but apparently, a few people failed to show. Bummer! — SH

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• The flavor of love gets a little spice: MTV greenlights the first bisexual dating show with MySpace star Tila Tequila. MTV says Ms. Tequila is a bisexual, which means the contestants on the show will be sixteen straight guys and sixteen lesbians.

  
  

• The controversy of HIV and circumcision continues: An African tribe reconsiders their tradition of not circumcising members after they are devastated by AIDS. They were Luos, members of the only major tribe in Kenya that does not routinely circumcise boys. The absence of this ritual, Omondi said, helps explain why Luos are dying from AIDS at a rate unheard of among other Kenyans.

  
  

• Obama, presumably not hitting that before noon: Michelle Obama says her husband is “snore-y and stinky” in the morning. “Barack is very much human,” Mrs. Obama tells Glamour, “so let’s not deify him.”

  
  

• And in breaking news, Mel Gibson is probably a nutjob: Mel Gibson has put a total of $37 into a controversial church in the Malibu Hills based on antiquated Catholic teachings. Female followers of Gibson's church must abide by a strict dress code, requiring them to wear veils over their hair and long skirts, with a ban on pants for women.

There are times when people can be too nerdy about sex and gadgets. This is one of those times. Meet the iBrate. A program that turns your iPhone into a vibrator. Oh the idiots have really done it. How can you be so smart, but also so foolish? We wish we could go back in time and prevent this person from making the phone into a vibrator. We wish we could have reasoned with them. Begged, pleaded, bribed, and coerced them out of the impulse to fuck their $500 cell phones. Seriously, we get that the thing updates your Facebook, cleans your apartment, and tells you jokes when you're feeling sad. We are aware of its shiny, sexy veneer. But you don't need to be putting anything you call your grandmother with in your naughty places. End of discussion. —NP


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Just in time for, umm, tomorrow: The Marc Jacobs store is selling these satirical T-shirts at their Bleecker Street store in New York. The question is: If these guys are tops, who are the bottoms? — SH

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It's the theme to Knight Rider! Played on a flute! Accompanied by beat-boxing! We have a soft spot for the Knight Rider theme song, because when we were teeny, tiny piano students, back before all the hormones and Jessica Biels distracted us from any productive, "normal" activity, we used to kill on this song at recitals. Seriously. We'd have the audience on its feet with tears in its eyes. Well, actually it was just our mother, and it was a little embarrassing, what with all the flash photography and the frantic waving. Even so, you cannot go wrong with the theme song to Knight Rider, especially if you're looking to make people in a high school auditorium bob their heads slightly while thinking about David Hasselhoff. —NP

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Congratulations, Andrew Sullivan. We may not always agree with your politics, but we totally agree with the hot, burly lumberjack you took to be your husband. Speaking of, can you send him over? We have a couple of jars we can’t open. — SH

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So, for once, there's good news in the land of Winehouse. She's still got the voice. She no longer has the teeth, or the muscle mass, or the sanity, but the voice, the voice remains pretty fucking incredible. —NP

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We dare you to get into bed with us wearing this ridiculous and unnecessary contraption. Just try showing up with the oral sex snorkel on, and see what happens. We will do such horrible things to you, the least of which will be plugging the snorkel tubes and throwing you in the real ocean. Obviously, we are not really seeing the need for the oral sex snorkel. However, we are bringing the knowledge and information to you because you deserve to know what creepy gag gifts are lurking about, waiting to show up as souvenirs at your bachelorette party. —NP

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We are forever falling for unlikely sex symbols. Have you seen how we melt when someone mentions Michael Cera's name? Sure we spend a lot of time celebrating boobs and butts, but that's just junk food. It's not what fills us up. No, our hearts really belong to the smart, funny girls and the nerdy guys we love for their talent as well as their smoldering stares. That's why we really warmed to this list of seven unlikely sex symbols for 2007. Peter Dinklage? Hot! Tina Fey? Stoopid hot! We do not find Dame Judi Dench hot, per se, but we do respect her as an actress and appreciate her for her talent. —NP

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Fanboys are losing their marbles over the TimeOut London report
that everyone’s favorite cognitive neuroscientist/rapper Natalie Portman takes it all off in the 17-minute Wes Anderson film, Hotel Chevalier. Also starring Jason Schwartzmann, the short is an epilogue to Anderson's upcoming film The Darjeeling Limited. It’ll be released along with the film on DVD. Is it a body double? Is it all a mere rumor? We cannot say. Until then, we’ll leave you with your imagination, your copy of V for Vendetta, and a few Kleenexes. — SH


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One of the best stories we’ve read in Rolling Stone in the last five years— okay, the only story we’ve read in Rolling Stone in the last five years— concerns the fascinating, gender-bending saga of Larry Wachowski, one half of the brother duo who brought us The Matrix. Not long after the first film’s success, Larry divorced his wife, began dating a dominatrix, and started dressing like a woman. That is definitely one way to top Martin Scorsese. You can read the whole saga here.

We bring this up because Larry Wachowski has officially changed his name to LANA Wachowski and confirmed rumors that he underwent gender reassignment surgery. And just in time for those Speed Racer junkets! Won’t that make for swell conversation on Entertainment Tonight? People, we applaud Larry. It takes balls to put out a movie as bad as Matrix 3, but it takes bravery to change your gender in Hollywood. — SH

UPDATE: Apparently, news of Larry Wachowski’s sex change have been greatly exaggerated. “It’s all untrue,” says producer Joel Silver. However, it should be noted, Larry really does crossdress and dates a dominatrix who left her transgendered lover for him. BTW.

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• Stay away from the mustard-yellow and purple condoms: Tens of thousands of free condoms given out by the District of Columbia have been recalled because of faulty paper packaging. [Volunteers] were told about packets ripping in purses or bursting open in pockets. As a result, recipients said they had little confidence that the condoms would offer protection.

  
  
  

• Wait—it's still legal to fire someone for being gay?: Former gay police officer to speak to Congress in favor of Barney Frank's Employment Non-Discrimination Act that would make it illegal to fire gays and lesbians because of sexual orientation. Frank said he asked Carney to speak because he is a beneficiary of Massachusetts' antidiscrimination law—the state is one of 17 that prohibits discrimination against gays and lesbians—and because as a law enforcement figure, Carney helps fight the stereotype of gay men as weak or effeminate.

  
  
  

• Sex trade at the firehouse somehow not at all hot: DC officials are investigating possible cases of sex for money or promotion at a city firehouse. Sources say investigators are looking into whether female emergency medical technicians performed sex acts for money on men, including male fire department employees, in the bunkhouses of fire stations and at other locations since late last year.

  
  
  
  

• Luciano Pavarotti: Dead at the age of 71 of pancreatic cancer.

There’s nothing like political scandal to make us feel like we’re deep and warm into the election season. We’ve had a nice helping of scandal lately, courtesy of our favorite urinal tap-dancer Sen. Craig. In honor of his imbroglio, we have for you the Top 10 Political Scandals. Hey baby, is that a pubic hair in your drink, or are you just happy to see us? —SH

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Lately we've seen a number of news items that seem to imply women are competent. Sometimes, it even turns out that women are just as good as men. For example, move over Egon Spengler, a group of four Florida women have been up to an awful lot of ghost-hunting. And look out Schwarzenegger, Mumbai's railways are now protected by "real life Charlie's Angels": a troop of female commandos trained in martial arts and AK-47's. But not all strides made by women are so Hollywood-inspired, some are just quaint and heartwarming. Like the Pennsylvania varsity high school soccer team where girls play with the boys. Thankfully, the "boys have always been willing to pass girls the ball." We're happy to report that the sexual revolution is alive and well. —NP

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All of us want to be better lovers. That’s why we recently replaced our bookcase with a sex swing. Though, sadly, we still needed a place to put our books. (Behold: The sex swing bookcase!) Today we came across a training video for better sex that might come in handy. It discusses kegels and such. We know you’re probably sooo past all this. We know you’re probably using your rock-hard kegels to fly through the bedroom on a sex swing right now (don’t lose our books). But the video is there, in case you need a refresher course. It also has bizarre Eiffel Tower and blast-off imagery. Because if there’s anything better than sex swings, it’s sex in space. — SH

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Forget about kitesurfing, parkour, or skydiving. The greatest new extreme sport is Ultimate Hanging. From locker room prank to ultimate sport, the ability to hang, taped in suspension, separates the grownups from the children. —NP

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Scientology, ever the punching bag of European countries whose most famous celebrities are not yet thetan-free, is facing charges of fraud and extortion in Belgium. In a prepared statement, Scientology responded, “What’s that over there?,” then kicked Belgium in the balls and ran away, super-fast. — SH

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Yesterday was Viagra's 15th birthday. We kicked off early to attend the birthday celebrations and, boy, what a party. You should have seen Bob Dole limbo. That man's an animal. While we were stuffing shrimp cocktail into our pockets and harassing the DJ to play Journey, we managed to sneak a peek at the gift table. Viagra has some very generous friends, and it really made off with a haul. Some gifts we saw:

• Red Bull and a towel
  
  
• Gift certificate to Luby's
  
  
• A jewel-encrusted defibrillator
  
  
• Two weeks all-expenses paid at Sandals
  
  
• His and hers drop cloths

  
  
  

The Israeli porn site Ratuv—which Nerve has covered before—translated their pages into Arabic after it was discovered that they were getting thousands of hits from Arab countries. Peace in the Middle East? Maybe not. Piece of ass? Definitely. — SH

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In the 50s, it was Clark Gable and James Dean. In the 60s and 70s, it was Sean Connery and Woody Allen. But who are the overachieving heterosexual men of this historical moment? The men that currently hold it down for all the fellas by wining and dining the females, playing the field, and putting babies in the ladies. Best Week Ever dug deep and came up with a list of the capital "G" Guys who make straight men everywhere proud and envious, and who are positively, definitely, not capital "G" Gay.—NP

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We've been tracking Jessica Alba's illustrious career for awhile now, and we'll admit: It's hard to think of an actress we'd rather give the goods to. Luckily, we're capable of fantasizing about anything in hot lady form and that includes cartoon characters. Jessica Rabbit, in particular, has haunted our dreams for years. She's got the proportions, the sex appeal, and the outfit to rival Alba's assets, plus she sings that song in those heels. Now it's your job to decide between these two stunners. Will it be the Jessica who's in love with a bunny, or the Jessica who said Dane Cook kisses like a dummy?

Who Would You Rather? Jessica Alba or Jessica Rabbit?

UPDATE: The people have spoken. Seems they don't really care about Jessica Alba's "perfect proportions" when there's a six-foot-tall, cartoon redhead in the room. Well, now we know who you want holding your microphone.

Winner: Jessica Rabbit. Looks like we'll all be taking a field trip to Toon Town.

—NP


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• Might wanna be careful browsing that “Erotic Services” category today: Prostitution targeted on Craigslist. “Craigslist has become the high-tech 42nd Street. Technology has worked its way into every profession, including the oldest.”

  
  

• And then again, maybe he won’t: Senator Larry Craig may not leave the senate. Since [announcing his resignation], he’s hired a prominent lawyer to investigate the possibility of reversing his plea, his spokesman said.

  
  

• Danielynn will have a super-duper sweet 16 : Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern will sue over Rita Cosby’s Anna Nicole Smith book, which claims the two had a homosexual affair. "This is going to be one of the most expensive lawsuit settlements in book-publishing history," Birkhead told The Associated Press Tuesday.

  
  

• And now, the future’s most beautiful baby: Halle Berry is pregnant.

Whoa. Creepier than the Bro or the Mirdle is this Wonderbra ad from 1968 that randomly cuts to shots of bras on what appear to be fetish dolls. We understand the premise without the dummies, but with the dummies it all becomes so much more sinister. No wonder our mother was braless in all those photos from the 60s. This is enough to make us head outside topless with a can of kerosene and light our own underwear on fire. —NP

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We will invite our estranged cousins and our drunken aunts to our wedding. We'll even invite our college roommate who stole our favorite hot-pink leg warmers and ruined them climbing up a fire escape during a police chase. But you know who won't be invited to our wedding? Hello Kitty. Because it is not OK to have glorified furries as honored guests at your wedding ceremony, just as it's not OK to have a 300-pound dress, or a destination wedding in Madagascar. This video is brimming with creepy details, but perhaps more disturbing than the Hello Kitty wedding is the Hello Kitty wedding night. If you have that video, DO NOT send it to us. —NP

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There's a new trend taking Japanese men by storm: the man-girdle and its partner-in-crime the man support-top boxer brief. Slimmer fitting pants are back in style, so many men are pouring themselves into support garments before a night out on the town. We suggest creating Manks for the boys who want full-body support and tightening. —NP

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When we stumbled across MorphThing, the online face morpher, this morning it was time to finally answer the question that is currently searing a hole into everyone's brain: What will Scanner Nicole and Jessica Biel's love-child look like? We had high hopes for the MorphThing, but the image didn't really pan out as we'd hoped. This is likely because a sighting of the Scanner Nicole/Jessica Biel baby would make the Sun go around the Moon, and, technologically advanced as we are, humankind is still not ready for that shit. Until we are, little Nessica's photo will look a lot like your last acid trip. —NP

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We weren’t watching the Jerry Lewis telethon this weekend. We have a feeling you weren’t either. If you were watching the Jerry Lewis telethon this weekend, we’re a little worried about you. Let’s go get a drink later this week or something. Baby, you need to get out more often.

But the point is that something actually happened in the 18th hour of this television dinosaur. Jerry Lewis called some guy “an illiterate faggot”. Check it out for yourself.

Even Jerry Lewis seems confused by his outburst. He’s all, “Did I just say that out loud?” Unfortunately for all of us, this means more Jerry Lewis in the news. Thanks a lot, Jerry. — SH

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Just to take the edge off your hangovers and ease you all back into the work week: "Glamour photography" from 1957. These photos are truly a gift. Panty hose and high-waisted underwear never, ever looked so good. (via Ectomo)—NP

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• Men are from "duh," women are from "no shit": Study finds that women use kissing to assess potential partners and to "check the status of the relationship." But men placed less importance on it, using it to increase the likelihood of sex.

  
  
  

• Again, news you may have been able to see coming: Rock stars are more than twice as likely as "regular" people to die before reaching old age. [The study] found that musicians were most at risk in the first five years after achieving fame, with death rates more than three times higher than normal. Hendrix, Bon Scott of AC/DC and punk rocker Sid Vicious all died within five years of hitting the big time.

  
  
  

• The world's most perfect man strikes again: Paul Newman's Hole in the Wall Gang's activism and outreach are recognized and greatly appreciated in Malawi and other impoverished African countries, while Madonna and Bono are a joke. "The Hole in the Wall Gang comes here once a year," one guide alerted us. "They put on a whole lot of activities for underprivileged children. I participate in it, as do others. It’s very exciting." The guide continued: "Who is Paul Newman? I don’t really know. He’s a movie star, yes?"

  
  
  

• Because Rita Cosby is our go-to source for all breaking celebrity scandal news: Rita Cosby's book on the Anna Nicole Smith death accuses Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern of being gay lovers. The book...claims the men were caught in a sex act by Anna Nicole. It also alleges Anna Nicole, who died in February at 39, had a sleazy video of the men

Our francophone friends are not usually known for giving reliable recommendations and endorsements. The last time we took their advice and left the cheese out of the refrigerator, we had food poisoning for a week. But ever since we saw Emmanuelle Béart in this ad for H & M, we will never doubt their wisdom again. France! What’s in the water over there? Wine? Emmanuelle Béart is 44 years old, but when we saw her photo for the first time we felt like creeps ogling a teenager. We make a big deal over Michelle Pfeiffer being nearly 50 and looking great, but Béart would kick her ass in a catfight any day of the week.

Forget too-cute Audrey Tautou. We want French women who will blow smoke in your face when you try to buy them a drink—after you’ve been dating for years. Emmanuelle Béart has attitude, experience, and sex appeal. Plus, holy shit does she look good in a matching bra and panties set.

And for that she is our Crush of the Week.—NP

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After Elton has an insanely endearing interview with Tim Gunn of Project Runway and the new Bravo show, Tim Gunn's Guide to Style. So sweet and funny, we cannot stress how much we love Tim Gunn. But, despite how wonderful the Gunn seems to be, he is dateless and perpetually single. According to the interview:

People keep thinking that I'm getting offers and that I'm getting love notes, and things of that sort. I honestly don't.

Why the shit not? Guys, seriously. Get off your asses and make the man an offer, or two, or 500. Tim, if you ever want to sneak around with the other team, we are here for you. Waiting. Anxiously. Also, if you ever want to give us as makeover, or go shopping—we're totally, and completely yours. —NP

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Check out these household items stop-motion animated to act out classic video games. This video has nothing to do with sex or famous people, but we currently have a foot-long hotdog in one hand, a melting ice cream cone in the other, and a beach volleyball match to play. Also, it's a pretty cute video. Watch the pizza eat the blue ghosty guys and throw another burger on the grill for us. —NP

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While you were sweeping your neighborhood bocce tournament and skinny dipping with the old men who hang out in front of the liquor store this Labor Day weekend, Larry Craig officially kissed his political career goodbye. In honor of his resignation, we'd like to remind you of the happier times in Craig's storied career. Times when his bathroom-stall trysts were cloaked in anonymity and secret shame, and the public knew him not as a waver and a tapper, but as a Singing Senator.—NP

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We're basically in agreement with this list of things that men should not have stolen from women. "Guyliner": No, not unless your first name is Robert, your last name is Smith, and you're in this band called The Cure. PMS: You do not have PMS, you are just a cranky asshole. But we do have to disagree with them on the Murse. We are fans of the man-purse, if only because it means that we can force our manpanions to carry our wallets, sunglasses, and high-end vibrators in them. Leaving us free to dance without clunky bags getting in the way of our groove. So we say, carry on, man-purse. Carry on. —NP

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Happy Labor Day! Have we got great news for you: Maggie Gyllenhaal is set to be the new face of Agent Provocateur. This seems like a perfect match. She's artsy and hot, and she already has practice with that soft-core, disciplinarian posing that Agent Provocateur is so obsessed with. It's true that some people hate on Mags. However, we could not be more supportive of this new modeling gig. Not so supportive that we'd pay $150 for a bra and undies set, but supportive enough that we'd make the ad photos our new desktop and spend a little more time procrastinating each day. (via ICYDK) —NP

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Have you heard the sweet little story of the young vacationer who lost her digital camera filled with oh-so-sexy pictures of herself? In case you haven't, someone allegedly found a camera with endless oh-so-sexy photos of a hot blond and put the photos on MySpace with a plea to track this woman down. Turns out that, rather than a blessed case of lost and found, this is a viral marketing plot for a porn site. Not surprising. The only time we've found naked pictures while out and about, it's either porn we stumble across in the woods, or photos of fat guys on the nude beach. —NP

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• Welcome to the future, folks: Emerson College elects to make 21 bathrooms on campus gender neutral. Emerson's changes, made in preparation for the upcoming school year, mirror moves by Tufts University and the University of Vermont, part of a small but growing number of universities modifying policies and facilities on behalf of transgender students.

  
  
  

• Bosnians tell world record holders to "kiss off": 7,000 Bosnian couples break the world simultaneous kissing record. Tuzla Mayor Jasmin Imamovic said the event was aimed at promoting the town and its multi-ethnic community. "We cherish the philosophy of love and not hatred. Let the love revolution start from here," he said.

  
  
  

• Black-out drunkenness strikes at the most inconvenient times: Man goes to bar, wakes up without his pants and without the $41,093 cashier's check in their pocket. Luckily, another man and his dog found and returned the lost items. "I woke up cold not knowing where the heck I was, and I didn't realize it at first because I still had my shoes and socks on," he said. "When I got up, I realized, my God, I don't have any pants."

  
  
  

• A match made in a publicists' business lunch: Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger had a romantic, candlelit dinner after "being spotted cheek-to-cheek" at a rock concert. The pair lingered over their meal for two hours, talking quietly throughout. Before parting, they embraced again.