Scientific Research Money That Should Be Going to Scanner Beer Fund
8/21/2007 5:00:00 PM
Two groundbreaking studies crossed our desk today. The first? Women really do prefer pink. Gah! Who knew? And then the brainiac followup: Breaking up isn’t really that hard to do. Of course, that runs contrary to the epistemological evidence previously touted in… 60s pop songs??? What these studies really prove is that scientists are proving really stupid things. Ten bucks to the guy who does a study proving that. —SH
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The Best Rock and Roll Stage Banter: A List Made for David Lee Roth
8/21/2007 4:00:00 PM
We found this great list of the best rock and roll stage banter on the Onion A.V. Club website. Some of the banter is profound, some is cute, and most is wasted and belligerent. "Hey cocksmoker, eat a bag of dicks!" Josh Homme, you are quite the wordsmith. —NP
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See, We Told You Television Was Good for You
8/21/2007 2:30:00 PM
Television, at its best, is an amazing tool of social change. At its worst? Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. A story in Slate today explores how cable television is changing the lives of Indian women by featuring characters in progressive positions:
“Their emancipated female characters are well-educated, work outside the home, control their own money, and have fewer children than rural women.” If you think those shows help empower Indian women, just wait till they see Rock of Love. —SH
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Video of the Day: Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is it Anyway
8/21/2007 2:15:00 PM
Last week we told you why you should be more like Richard Simmons. Can't quite recall what we said. Probably had something to do with shorty-shorts. But this is why you should be more like Richard Simmons. The man makes the most convincing and disturbing human jet ski we've ever seen. And we're not sure, but from this clip, it kind of seems like he could be gay. —NP
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Here Comes the Child Bride
8/21/2007 1:45:00 PM
It's a rainy afternoon in NYC, and we're wasting it away watching Britain's Youngest Brides on YouTube. It's like the British version of MTV's Engaged and Underage, but it somehow manages to be both trashier and more sophisticated than its American counterpart. There's an 18-year-old girl married to some guy who's older than her mother, and a 17-year-old in a wedding gown that weighs more than 200 pounds. We're just glad we said no when Davey Green proposed by the swings in fifth grade, because we couldn't handle being a reality television grandma by the age of 30.—NP
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Gimme All Your Money, or I’ll Bring You to a Quick and Ecstatic Climax
8/21/2007 12:30:00 PM
An enterprising British robber held up a shop with his girlfriend’s rabbit vibrator. (Bonus points? The judge’s name on this case was Philip Head.) Don't worry, ladies: The vibe-armed rascal has been sentenced to five years. The weapon has been donated to the nearest Sex and the City tour bus. —SH
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Who Would You Rather?: Kittens v. Cougars Edition
8/21/2007 12:00:00 PM
Today is Hayden Panettiere’s 18th birthday. We’d like to celebrate this momentous occasion by giving her the ultimate gift, a chance to compete in Scanner’s “Who Would You Rather?” challenge. Hayden, you’re a woman now. It’s been a few weeks since Age of Love wrapped, but in honor of the summer’s most exploitative dating show, we bring you a “Kittens v. Cougars” challenge. Who else to put up against our birthday kitten than the ultimate cougar? Michelle Pfeiffer was born in 1958, and that makes her… 49! So you know what happens next. Who Would You Rather?: Michelle Pfeiffer or Hayden Panettiere?
UPDATE: No big surprise here. While Hayden's cute as can be, Michelle's experience really raises your whiskers. Catwoman, it seems, is the sexier feline.
Winner: Michelle Pfeiffer. Cue the obligatory "Meow!"
—SH
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Sex Rings: When You Need to Be Reminded of People Screwing at Every Moment
8/21/2007 10:00:00 AM
These sex rings are the perfect gift for someone who loves to walk around with a dirty wardrobe secret. The couple going at it inside are tiny enough to look like some abstract design, but get in close and, "Holy Shit! They're totally bumping nasties." The rings would go really well with our cock-ring bracelet. We're just sayin'. (via YesButNoButYes) —NP
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Hero of the Week: Dwarf Glues Penis to Vaccum Cleaner
8/21/2007 9:30:00 AM
Look, someone had to do it. And Daniel Blackner, aka Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, took the hit. He glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner for a stunt during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. We can only hope this was a performance of King Lear.
"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.
But hey, he did it for science. (Thanks to Mike.) — SH
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In the News: Pill-Popping, Topless Car-Washing, Monks Clubbing
8/21/2007 9:10:00 AM
 |
- Whatever happened to good old-fashioned alcohol?: The amount of five major painkillers sold in American pharmacies rose 90% from 1997 to 2005. More than 200,000 pounds of codeine, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone and meperidine were purchased at retail stores during the most recent year represented in the data. That total is enough to give more than 300 milligrams of painkillers to every person in the country.
- Eh, topless woman, topless man, it's still a person without a shirt: Women advertise for "topless" car wash and drivers end up having their cars washed by topless, firefighting men. "A little bit of a bait-and-switch," Assistant Chief Donald Prince admitted. "All the guys back there are all topless."
- But can they dance?: Buddhist monks hit a popular Tokyo nightclub once a week to chant sutras and remind people that Buddhism is still alive and kicking. "If everyone did this, Buddhism would be much more popular," said Natori, 48. "Maybe after I turn 60, I'll climb mountains and become a sacred monk. For now, I think leaving the temple and going out to the people is the best way."
- And in China: Unsafe sex has taken the place of intravenous drug use as the primary means of HIV transmission in China. The news raises fresh concerns that HIV infections are moving from high risk groups to the mainstream population.
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Crush of the Week: Michael Cera
8/20/2007 5:00:00 PM
Before we begin, a disclaimer: Michael Cera is 19 years old. We watched him grow up on Arrested Development. We fully acknowledge the borderline inappropriateness of this crush. However, we are not backing down. Call it pervy if you want. It’s like our own personal Girls Gone Wild. But instead of drunk sorority girls our video would feature Michael Cera in a cardigan. (Nerds gone wild! We’ll make a fortune.) Anyway:
At 19, we wouldn’t have been interested in a guy like Michael Cera. He seems too nice. He probably respects women. He probably drinks responsibly. And that’s why we were so fucking miserable at 19: Michael Cera is exactly the kind of guy we should have been dating, instead of all those bad boys with crotchrot and cigarettes dangling from their lips. Michael Cera is the guy we wanted to be friends with, which was our loss, frankly. Fortunately, Superbad and the Judd Apatow brigade is making dorkdom the new cool, and maybe our college-age sisters won’t make the same mistakes. Maybe sweethearts like Michael Cera and Jonah Hill will become horrible misogynist manwhores. Boy, that would suck. For the time being, they seem pretty damn sweet. Whenever we see Michael Cera on on a talk show, we just swoon. (And have you seen Clark and Michael? Treat yourself, friend.) Oh, and also, also, also—if we married Michael Cera, our name would be Sarah Cera.
And for that, he is our Crush of the Week. —SH
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Question of the Day: Do They Share a Bed, or Do They Take Turns?
8/20/2007 4:00:00 PM
Meet Prince's new significant others: the Twinz. Prince and his Twinz have been out and about in London recently, and they seem like such a happy couple—er, threesome. The twins thing, in general and always, is weird. Prince can pretty much do no wrong in our books, but we still reserve the right to call out his bizarre antics. Does it mean Diamonds and Pearls is any less amazing? No. It just means the guy's not the most down to earth 5' 2' rock star out there. Hef does the twins thing and we don't take notice, because Hef is so boring and transparent he's even got a reality TV show about his "sex" life. But a Prince reality TV show would never happen because, if it did, time would move backwards and we'd all spontaneously start eating with our feet and walking on our hands. Which we are prepared to do, if it means we get to watch a Prince reality TV show. —NP
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Homebrew Video Games: Not Always Pinnacles of Sensitivity
8/20/2007 3:10:00 PM
Some programmer named Huntercool has created a homebrew game for Nintendo DS that would be offensive if the premise weren't so patently stupid: Avoid the gays. This little guy is supposed to run around with his baby-maker out and manage to keep it away from the homosexual blue square guys. Forget about it. Doesn't this nerd realize you can't "avoid the gays?" They're everywhere. Teaching dodgeball in gym class, cutting your mother's hair at the mall, step-fathering the White House deputy chief of staff. He should beg to be allowed in the club, what with those bug eyes and that weird, pixilated genitalia. —NP
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Video of the Day: Keanu Reeves Interviews the Teddy Bears
8/20/2007 2:00:00 PM
In 1984, young, strapping Torontonian Keanu Reeves was still two years away from his breakthrough performance in River’s Edge and five years from cruising into stoner history on a time machine and a giant bong. Back then, Keanu was a correspondent for the Canadian kids’ show Going Great. Here, he channels his inner Mike Wallace with a hardhitting report on a teddy bear convention. Let's get down to bearz-ness! (via Neatorama) — SH
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Karl Rove Might Have a Gay Dad Who Might Have a Gold Cock Ring
8/20/2007 1:00:00 PM
We know what's been missing from your Monday: details on Karl Rove's adoptive-father's solid gold cock ring. There's a story floating around that Karl Rove (yes, Bush's Brain, that Karl Rove) has a gay stepfather who was heavily into the 70s Body Modification scene in LA. He had some far-out piercings and a healthy number of "stainless ball weights." If this is true, the guy sounds like a great time, and we're not joking, not even a little. If this is true, it would help prove what we've always believed: behind every tight asshole is a closely related loose one. UPDATE: The debate over the story's legitimacy has been taken up at the Daily Kos. —NP
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Japanese Porno Telethon Is Way Hotter Than a Handjob From Jerry Lewis
8/20/2007 12:00:00 PM
Next weekend, Japan's adult satellite TV network will donate its airtime to a pornographic telethon raising money for AIDS prevention. Among the features of the telethon will be "Oppai Bokin (Tit Collection)," where contributors to the charity fund are permitted to knead the breasts of an adult movie actress; and the Tekoki Jinja (Hand Job Shrine), where a cash handout will be returned with a hand out of an entirely different kind. With news copy like this, you know the show is good. We're so excited, we're setting our DVR in Japan and recording the whole skanky mess. —NP
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And the World Responds With a Ringing Chorus of "Duh!"
8/20/2007 11:20:00 AM
From deep within the files of "No Shit, Sherlock," Siegfried and Roy are—wait for it—gay. According to Queerty, "Siegfried and Roy [were] once very much in love but have since transformed their relationship into a working partnership and a deep friendship." That's cuter than a baby tiger. —NP
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Hope There's Room in the Closet for Us
8/20/2007 10:45:00 AM
Chapters 13-22 of R. Kelly's serialized soap hip-hopera come out of the closet today and we are counting the hours until we can escape to our special place and watch it. We couldn't care less about the Bourne Whatever, but R. Kelly in the kitchen with a Beretta? Oh Shit! —NP
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Who Got the Deal?: Kathy Griffin and Steve Wozniak
8/20/2007 9:44:04 AM
A curious new relationship has appeared on the horizon. Rather unexpected, you might say: Comedian Kathy Griffin and Apple founder Steve Wozniak. Apparently, someone won’t be lacking for an iPhone anytime soon. Whenever interesting new couples (however fleeting) appear on our radar, we like to play a game. So do you think it’s a score for the endlessly self-effacing funny woman or the rich-as-balls tech guru? In other words: Who got the deal? — SH
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In the News: Marital Blues on the Boob Tube, Gay Marriage in Black Churches
8/20/2007 9:04:47 AM
And tonight at 8pm, bad sex: Television shows tackle the gloomy subject of marital malaise. Colder, unsentimental, almost cruel in their gaze, these shows have replaced the solipsistic pillow talk between Hope and Michael on ‘Thirtysomething’ with tableaus of repression and neurosis.
Gay marriage, a little controversy for everyone: The argument over same-sex unions finally makes its way to black churches, which are slowly starting to embrace homosexuality. "I don't care who does it in their bedroom with whom," said Yvonne Moore, a longtime member who left the church over the same-sex ceremonies. "But don't bring that foolishness into my church."
Anyone a bit nippy out here?: Six hundred disrobe for new Spencer Tunick photo taken on a melting Swiss glacier. "I want my images to go more than skin-deep. I want the viewers to feel the vulnerability of their existence and how it relates closely to the sensitivity of the world's glaciers,” said Tunick.
Chances are, there’s some Scientologists around to help with recovery: Eleven extras hurt while filming Tom Cruise movie. The extras were taken to a hospital, where all but one of them required only outpatient treatment. Filming work was stopped.
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Tabloid Fodder: Raised By Wolves Edition
8/17/2007 5:00:00 PM
Us Weekly
Childhood Trauma: Divorce, expulsion, cutting.
The magazine asks "What Went Wrong?" in its headline to a story about Amy Winehouse apparently having some sort of drinking problem. Because who could have seen this coming? Amy Winehouse? Substance abuse? What went wrong? Life story: She was born in working-class London. Her father took off when she was nine, so she cut her arms a whole bunch and got kicked out of school. She's referred to herself as a "violent drunk" and wrote a hit song about not going to rehab. Incredibly, she occasionally over-imbibes, according to Rolling Stone reporter Jenny Eliscu, who sort of sleazily dishes about Winehouse seeming "intoxicated" when Eliscu interviewed her. But the tabloid makes sure to get the straight story from Winehouse's absentee father, who tells Us, "Amy's fine."
Star
Childhood Trauma: Not enough love.
Denise Richards "just wants to be married to a famous, wealthy man," says an insider. She probably didn't get enough attention as a kid, which made her divorce last year from Charlie Sheen — and subsequent loss of her place in the spotlight — that much more painful. Now she's messing with Sheen's fiancé Brooke Mueller, hoping to break them up, say sources. "She pulled every trick in the book, like calling their house at all hours." The Catch-22 is that Richards' feud with Sheen is the only thing keeping either one of them in the limelight, since the rest of the world moved on after the disappointing third season of Two and a Half Men.
Ok!
Childhood Trauma: Sexual experimentation.
Oh all right, we'll link to this Britney Spears story. Again! Last week Britney and some hunky, lacrosse-playerish college junior made the cover of Us for frolicking topless in a hot tub. Now, Ok! finds a "close friend" of Spears' who says the singer didn't take the dude back to her room as reported, but instead retired with her 21-year-old former assistant and best friend Shannon Funk, who was also in the tub. "She's been experimenting since she was sixteen," a former employee of Britney's (Shannon?) confides. The magazine also references the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards kiss with Madonna as evidence that Spears is a lesbian, which is so dumb that it's actually irritating. Per usual, this is just one more sign that Spears isn't fit for parenthood, and will likely lose the upcoming custody battle with her ex Kevin Federline, who's looking better every day.
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Directions for This Video: Apply Directly to Your Heart
8/17/2007 4:30:00 PM
Sometimes we think we're really missing out, not watching morning television. We are always too busy eating our Special K and going over the previous night's erotic dreams about Michael Cera to bother with the boob tube. But that is much to our detriment. Take this segment about dog weaves. Yes, dog weaves. This is the way to start your day, people. And wait for a special surprise at the end. Oh Al, you old joker. —SH
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Bob Dole's Penis for Sale
8/17/2007 4:00:00 PM
A 12,000-year-old fossilized penis found in the Siberian tundra is up for auction. Whoever buys this baby is going to need a lot of Viagra to get it in working order. —NP
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Going to the Chapel and We're Gonna Have a Politically Motivated Sham Marriage
8/17/2007 3:00:00 PM
Jenna Bush got engaged this week to former Rove staffer Henry Hager. Well, it's about time. What is she 24, 25? Get it done, girl. Check out Hager's beady little eyes. Remind you of anyone? They say girls always go for men like their fathers. Wonder if Hager loves reading and
clearing brush as much as the President? For anyone who would like to get the happy couple an engagement gift, they're registered at the drive-thru liquor store in Crawford, Texas. Just say it's for Dubya's girl, and you'll get 10% off. —NP
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Video of the Day: Alexyss K. Tylor Warning to Gay Boys
8/17/2007 2:01:00 PM
Alexyss Tylor weighs in on men are willing to "suck a dick up, until they hiccup." Uh. Yeah. This is getting a little insane. In this episode we touch on arthritis, man-pampers, SSI checks, and, of course, King Kong dicks. In the words of Ms. Tylor, "y'all take this how you want." —NP
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You've Got to Start Asking Yourself: What Would Richard Simmons Do?
8/17/2007 1:00:00 PM
The secret to success? Be more like Richard Simmons. He works hard, he plays hard, he rocks the shorty shorts with unbridled passion. We've got to admit this list of Richie's bestest qualities warmed our stony, overstimulated hearts. —NP
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Cosmo, the Early Years: How To Woo a Fair-Bosomed Maiden
8/17/2007 12:01:53 PM
The news that a 1694 ladies’ sex manual was going up for auction got someone in the art department at The Daily Mail very excited. They mocked up a 17th century Cosmo cover. Looks like a fun read, verily, but we bet that sudoko page is a beeyatch. —SH
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How to Make Love Like a Sex Blogger
8/17/2007 11:00:00 AM
Susie Bright has a pretty good interview with Pretty Dumb Things blogger Chealsea Girl. They dish about stripping on Howard Stern, how to get your boyfriend to spank you, and deep-throating tongue depressors. Perfect for mildly dirty, at-work procrastination. —NP
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Timewaster of the Day: Highlights for Adults
8/17/2007 10:49:28 AM
Remember Highlights magazine? Like, how could you forget, right? Back when we were a wee Scanner blogger, growing up in the suburbs of Dallas and playing with our tiny, furry sex toys, we loved the shit out of some Highlights. Every month, when it arrived in the mailbox, we nearly peed ourselves with joy. You know the game on the cover, where you had to spot the hidden images? Duuude. That was like ganga weed for first-graders. So it is in the spirit of Highlights that we bring you this poster and game, in which 20 band names are represented. We’ve only posted a snippet here. See the Scissor Sisters? My, you’re good at this. —SH
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Thing #493 We Love About Summer: Volleyball Players
8/17/2007 10:15:00 AM
It's August, and all we want to do is talk about girls in bikinis. Well, we also want to drink margaritas with girls in bikinis, but that's a year-round given, so it's not really worth mentioning. These photos are from the "Six Man" Volleyball tournament in Los Angeles. Professional and college volleyball players dress up in costumes and disguises and play in an all-night tournament that we're really sad we missed. The pictures look amazing. By amazing we mean there are a lot of ass shots and face paint. (Thanks to Jeff for the link) —NP
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Marry, F*ck, or Kill: Wes Anderson's Leading Men
8/17/2007 9:00:00 AM
Wes Anderson: true genius or overrated, indulgent auteur? Let's talk about that over shrimp dinner sometime. (You're buying.) In the meantime, we'll turn our attention to the men starring in his next film, Darjeeling Limited. You can watch the preview here. Which of these handsome so-and-sos do you want to wed in a ceremony sure to be covered by the IFC? Who do you want to bone in the editing suite? And who do you kill off in the third act?
Marry, Fuck, or Kill:
- Jason Schwartzman
- Adrien Brody
- Owen Wilson
— SH
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Insert Headline of Your Dreams Right Here
8/16/2007 5:00:00 PM
It's happening, folks. The day has arrived. Jessica Biel's naked body is going to walk straight out of our deep, dark, not-so-secret fantasies and onto the movie screen where it will show the fuck up in a film called Powder Blue. Sure she's been nearly there before, but this time, it's for real. According to US Magazine we're going to see, "shots of her breasts (nipples from the front and side) and her butt (side view only)." Did you hear that? Nipples from the front and the side. Oh boy, we need to sit down. —NP
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We're With You in Theory, Perhaps, But the Execution Lacks a Little Class
8/16/2007 4:30:49 PM
We can think of better ways to support reproductive rights than buying space at stupid Manhattan Mini-Storage, but thanks, ad geniuses, for the subtle coat-hanger touch. Yeeowsh.(via)— SH
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Female Ejaculation 101: Get Out Your Umbrella-Ella-Ellas
8/16/2007 4:00:00 PM
Every once in a while, we like to take time out from making fun of creepy sex toys and Britney Spears to spread the good word about underappreciated sexual practices. Today's lesson: female ejaculation. While many know and love the squirt, there are plenty of you who still doubt its existence. Read and be delivered from ignorance. Shameless Magazine is here to teach you about all the "sciency" ins and outs of female ejaculation. Follow up with this 2005 Nerve "I Did it for Science" column by Rev. Jen Miller, which will guide you through flooding the Sealy in great, great detail. So good luck, and think of us next time you make it rain. —NP
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News Story of the Day: Michael Vick Sued for $63,000,000,000,000,000,000
8/16/2007 3:00:00 PM
Scanner doesn’t usually break hard news, but we’ll make an exception for this story about a South Carolina inmate who has filed a lawsuit against beleaguered athlete Michael Vick for $63 quintillion. Surprisingly, this is not the first time the eccentric prisoner has invoked the stiff arm of justice. We’re as annoyed by frivolous lawsuits as the next person, but can’t we all agree that litigious-minded Jonathan Lee Riches is on to something here? In his most noteworthy suit, Riches submitted a 57-page list of defendants that included President Bush, Pope Benedict, actor Tony Danza, Fruit of the Loom, NASCAR, the Ming Dynasty, Skittles candy, the Philadelphia Eagles (2005 roster), the Doobie Brothers, the Congolese Army, the Magna Carta, "WKRP in Cincinnati," the King's Dominion amusement park in Virginia, the philosopher Plato, and the Liberty Bell. Listen, Jonathan, we sued the Ming Dynasty and Skittles candy, too, but those bitches never showed up in court. (Thanks to Whitney.) — SH
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Video of the Day: Dumb Cop Breaks Windows
8/16/2007 2:00:00 PM
This actual police footage is practically straight from Reno 911 and just as funny. In the asshat cop's own words: "I rescued her from her house. However, her house was not on fire at the time...It's pretty bad when the police break into your house." If we were as good at our jobs as this guy is at his, we'd be in Vegas trying to write blog posts from video slots. —NP
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Turn Your Sex Toy Trash Into More Sex Toys
8/16/2007 12:30:00 PM
Is your Jessica Rabbit vibrator so 2006? Are you looking to trade up but worried about the environmental effects of throwing the old one in the trash? The solution to your problems is here! Fish that lint-covered, aged vibe out of your sock drawer and send it in to be recycled into things like toothbrushes, Tupperware, and action figures. You'll help save the planet and get half off a new model. —NP
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Does This Bear Band Thing Seem Gay to Anyone Else?
8/16/2007 11:45:40 AM
Behold: The world’s first bear band. But we can only hope it’s not the last! Bearforce1 consists of “four furry friends whose passion for singing and performing” brought them together. (Look at the guy second from the right. He is so not hairy. He’s like the one nerdy guy in the boy band, trying to compensate for his lack of hair with personality. Good luck, guy!) They’re also looking for new recruits, so cut out the manscaping, let your chest grow wild, and be a part of history! (via MetaFilter) — SH
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Die Hard With Puppets=Best Musical Concept Ever?
8/16/2007 11:12:57 AM
Close your eyes and imagine the following: John McClane. Puppets. Showtunes. You are not dreaming, friend! Die Hard: The Puppet Musical claims to be “the best singing-sock-puppet-themed adaptation of a late 1980’s action movie you’re likely to see this year.” And who are we to argue? Might there be sock-puppet sex? Well, a girl can dream. The show premieres at the New York Musical Theatre Festival, and we hope it’s a doozy. Because John McClane, Broadway needs you more than ever! (Thanks to Lisa.) — SH
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Scanner's Guide to Lesbian Love: Britney Spears Edition
8/16/2007 11:05:00 AM
Britney, we heard it through the gay grapevine that you went a little Jodie Foster in the pool with your ex-assistant Shannon Funk. Whatever you did, it's cool with us. We just want to make sure you have all the information you need to avoid a highly publicized train wreck of a lesbian affair.
Step 1: If you "just receive," it still counts. And you'll probably be more likely to get caught since your writhing face will be the one showing in the photos.
Step 2: Stay away from the help. Remember on The L Word, when Shane was cutting Sherri Jaffe's hair, and they hooked up, and then Shane loved her and wanted her to leave her husband, but Sherri was too attached to her lifestyle and was kind of a bitch? Boundaries are important in lesbian affairs. And in life, missy.
Step 3: A true lady trims not only her pubes but also her nails.
Step 4: The best time to go gay? When everyone already thinks you're out of your mind. Enjoy Brit-Brit. This seems like the start of a beautiful, mutually destructive, high-profile romance. We're so happy for both of you. — NP
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It's Nice to See Famous Parents Shielding Their Offspring From the Spotlight
8/16/2007 10:24:35 AM
Suri Cruise is the new face of Baby Gap. So it will only be a few years till she can emancipate herself and buy her own blow. And if she’s lucky, everything she wears for her future court appearances will be gratis… and khaki! —SH UPDATE: Sorry, guys, this story proved untrue. Guess it's Preston Spears' lucky day.
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In the News: Lady-Themed Cigarettes, Horny Female Hyenas
8/16/2007 9:04:46 AM
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- Nothing beats the flavor of stiletto: Public health organizations are angry over the new Camel No. 9 cigarettes, which are targeted at fashionable young women. The latest ad campaign says "Now available in stiletto" — a longer, thinner cigarette.
- From gay porn to murder mystery: Gay porn producers accused of killing another gay porn filmmaker have surrendered their assets to avoid charges of racketeering. The pair are being held without bail on first degree murder charges. Both are represented by legal aid attorneys. The pair say that the racketeering charges were drummed up so that they would have no assets and not be able to afford an attorney.
- New Jersey will have to find something else to be divided about besides gay marriage: Poll finds twice as many New Jerseyans "would be fine" with allowing gay marriage or civil unions as would be upset. "Regardless of whether any public official supports marriage equality or wants to maintain the state's failed civil unions law, no official in New Jersey can credibly say that marriage for gay couples is a divisive issue in the state," said Steven Goldstein, chairman of Garden State Equality.
- We should call Michelle Pfeiffer a hyena instead of a cougar: To avoid inbreeding, female hyenas go after younger males from outside their clan. Male hyenas have no choice but to go along with the mating preferences of the socially dominant females, whose bizarre genitalia make forced sex almost impossible. "Females have a pseudo penis—an enlarged clitoris—which points forward," [Oliver Höner at the Leibniz Institute for Zoo and Wildlife Research in Berlin, Germany] explained.
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The Beer Rack: Similar to the Wine Rack, but More Breast-Shaped
8/15/2007 5:00:00 PM
Happy hump day, here's a treat for you all: beer that makes your boobs bigger. According to Trendhunter: A Bulgarian company has invented a beer that contains breast-enhancing stimulants proven to increase your cup size. Boza beer was only available in Bulgaria—until recent custom changes, that is. Because nothing says full-bodied flavor like an extra cup size. (via Didn't You Hear)—NP
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So That’s How You Become Jane
8/15/2007 4:41:03 PM
These almost-scandalous pictures of Anne Hathaway have the Internet stroking itself with pleasure. Calm down, kids. We’re pretty sure she just rested her head there for a bit. If she were actually licking the lollipop, wouldn’t a $50 bill be exchanging hands? That’s how it always worked for us. However, we can’t leave you without something actually salacious, so here: Take a walk back in time and enjoy Anne Hathaway’s nipples. —SH
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David Denby Writes What He Knows: “Anguished Fits of Dithering”
8/15/2007 3:52:00 PM
David Denby is the New Yorker film critic who admitted his porn addiction in the memoir American Sucker. His recent review of Superbad seems awfully informed by those late nights spent with the Jergen’s within arm’s reach. To boot:
“The boys in “Superbad” are all Internet-porn addicts. Their talk is not just dirty but bizarrely detailed—spangled with fantasy, odd practices, and curious devices. They know more about sex than boys did a couple of decades ago, but they’re frightened by what they know—the expectation of performance is so much more explicit. For them, the only mystery is flesh itself, and the presence of a willing girl sends them into anguished fits of dithering. Is it hot in herrre? Somebody hand us the caption contest to cool down our sex drive. Denby, this is the most exciting work you’ve done in years. (Thanks to Mike.) —SH
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The Movie Sex of Your Nightmares
8/15/2007 3:00:00 PM
Cracked has a list of the five grossest movie sex moments of all time. We've spent years trying to forget Arnold Schwarzenegger's breast caress in Conan the Barbarian and here it is back to haunt us every time we close our eyes.
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Video of the Day: Flight of the Conchords' Texan Odyssey
8/15/2007 2:19:07 PM
We don’t generally post 44-minute videos, unless they happen to be about fuckable dolls. But we’ll make an exception for this Flight of the Conchords documentary, in which our favorite kiwi comedy/folk duo—or band, as they’d prefer—travel to our former hometown of Austin, Texas, for the SXSW music festival. We actually attended this SXSW; sadly, we were doing shots of Patron with a pervy Norwegian label owner while the Conchords were rocking out in the tent, acoustic-style. This documentary features appearances from Morrissey, Peaches, and at least one intern we used to work with, as well as some of our favorite Conchords hits: “You’re so beautiful / You could be a part-time model.” Put THAT in your Pickupedia, kids. BONUS: For all you Conchords superfans out there—a small but proud group of three, maybe four: Jemaine Clement’s first stateside appearance as the spokesman for Outback Steakhouse. Hey, they didn’t just become the fourth most popular acoustic folk duo in New Zealand overnight. Sometimes you gotta shill some grilled meat. —SH
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A Girl's Guide to Financial and Emotional Dependence on Men
8/15/2007 12:40:00 PM
A Canadian one-day summer program for hunting and fishing won't allow a girl to join up, because it's just for the boys. Instead, the organizers invited 9-year-old Lydia Houck to attend the "Glamorous Girls" camp and get a pedicure and a full body wax and a tiara or some shit. These people are woefully ignorant of the value of gun and knife skills for young women. Paris Hilton loves pedicures and tiaras, and look where that got her. A little experience with weapons might just keep them out of trouble. —NP
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Clay Aiken Sings the Songs No One Wants To Hear
8/15/2007 11:56:39 AM
This will be a shock to exactly no one. The Claymates American Idol musical closed after only one night. And this after the prop guy went to all that trouble to find a Clay Aiken blowup doll! Sad. Claymates, fear not. There is still plenty of fun to be had on YouTube: Clay whips the crowd into a frenzy with “SexyBack” and dances to “Vogue”. You haven’t seen this much unfettered sexual energy since Bingo night! —SH
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"Fish Spa" Is All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets a Leg Chewed Off
8/15/2007 11:30:00 AM
There's a magic "fish spa" gaining popularity in China. It's not a spa for overworked fish, no, it's a spa where you, or me, or your mom can luxuriate in a pool filled with small skin-eating fish who will nibble on your dead cells and leave you sparkling and rejuvenated. We heard Madonna was into this for a while, but it wasn't quite hardcore enough, so now she slathers herself with honey and ties herself to a tree so bears can feed themselves on her dead skin cells. This method gets much better results. (via Boing Boing) —NP
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Madonna Shoots Vitamins Straight Into Her Petrified Heart
8/15/2007 11:05:00 AM
After eating no food and drinking only bottled water on a seven-hour flight, Madonna got even weirder when she busted out a syringe of "vitamins" and shot herself up. Madge, dude. What were you shooting up on the airplane? Vitamins? Doubtful. Formaldehyde? Likely. Eternal life serum made from the corneas of Indonesian children? Probable. Why do you have to freak people out with your sinewy body and your smug, glazed over stare? Just age already! It's going to be so lonely when, after the next ice age, you're the only "human" left on the planet. Because, let us tell you, cockroaches make shitty backup dancers. —NP
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Real Dolls Get All the Ryan Goslings
8/15/2007 10:38:20 AM
In our efforts to bring you all breaking real-doll news, we have an announcement: Ryan Gosling will star in the movie Lars and the Real Girl, about a nerdy introvert in love with a real doll. Did you just get shivers? The movie is written by Six Feet Under’s Nancy Oliver, for better or worse, and stars Scanner favorites Patricia Clarkson (who must be chainsmoking Dorals to maintain that perfect cigarette alto) and Emily Mortimer. All of which means this might actually be a GOOD movie. Could it be better and more poignant than that real doll documentary we shared together? Possibly. What’s certain is a lot of special-interest and trend articles about real dolls in your future. 60 Minutes, have a blast. In anticipation of this momentous movie, read Grant Stoddard’s report on having sex with a real doll. He was there first, kids. (Thanks to Cara.) —SH
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A Chair That Really Holds Your Boys
8/15/2007 10:15:06 AM
No one likes sitting on a wooden chair. But maybe if that wooden chair were shaped like a snug hand cupping your ball sac, as if it were the gentlest Swedish nurse, the experience would be better. Maybe it would just be more expensive and stupidly eccentric. Who are we to judge? Until they make beds in a D-cup, we’ll stay moot on this point. (via Gizmodo, thanks to Rachel.) —SH
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In the News: Homosexual Sex Ed, Italian Town Pays to Diet
8/15/2007 9:00:00 AM
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- Sex education gets better about that education part: Affluent Maryland school district will start giving lessons on homosexuality in the classroom. Montgomery County may be ahead of the country on sex education, but it may also just be out there, stranded on its own.
- That extra money will buy a lot of Whoppers: Italian mayor tries to motivate overweight citizens by granting them a diet subsidy for losing weight. The scheme in the town of 7,400 people was announced on Friday and Mr Buonanno said there had been a queue to register over the weekend.
- Because it wouldn’t truly be a scandal if the courtroom weren’t involved: First Rutgers student files lawsuit against against Don Imus and CBS radio. "This is about Kia Vaughn's good name," Ancowitz said. "She would do anything to return to her life as a student and respected basketball player.”
- We can stop anytime, but this deep bronze shade feels sooo good: Slate wonders: Is tanning addictive? Some indoor-tanning fans are also touting endorphin findings, since it seems to prove chemically that tanning feels terrific (even as it kills you).
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