Scanner

There's a different "worst album covers" list floating around the web daily, but this one caught our eye. With titles like "Tubby Boots Goes Topless" and "Blues and Bras" these aren't just some of the worst album covers of all time, they may be some of the worst albums ever recorded. Ever seen an erection bite the tongue that licks it? Go ahead and click through. You will not be disappointed. Although you may have to go back to therapy. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12214#12214

A Louisiana town has made sagging pants illegal. Violators may be forced to pay $500 and endure a brief, tumultuous marriage to Britney Spears. —SH



Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12216#12216

We know you're still getting over that baton-twirler from this morning. But if you can handle it, here's the perfect follow-up: The Ohio State Wrestling Team doubles as a dance troupe. What is not to love about this? We'll tell you one thing you have to love: Those outfits. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12212#12212

Get all your sexual education from Pornotube? You need help. Good Vibrations Magazine hunted down some of the best sex ed information on the Internet and put it all together for you. Because you need to learn that a breast self-exam is not a multiple choice test. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12211#12211

The whole man-boobs, or moobs, phenomenon just makes us sad. Not that they exist. But that there’s a well-established name for this. We liked it better when men didn’t give a shit. At least someone wasn’t wracked with anxiety about their tits. Today, the Times Style section goes deep on manboobs with a piece about the booming man-boob plastic surgery market for adolescent boys. Bleh. We need to watch that baton twirler again. Cue the Queen soundtrack! —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12209#12209

Usually we post our video of the day at 2pm. But we believe you need to see this now. Like, RIGHT NOW. Thanks to New York’s Vulture blog, we have been introduced to our new hero of the day, a British baton-twirling teen who appeared on Britain’s Got Talent. People: If you have a dream, no one can stop you. And if you have a dream, always perform it to Queen. —SH


Read or Leave Feedback   (4)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12200#12200

Father’s Day is this Sunday. Have you bought your Old Spice yet? With this in mind, we wanted to take a stroll through a short list of the hottest TV dads. We’re sure we left some good ones out—let us introduce you to the feedback section, friends. But sadly, making this list, we realized something bittersweet: TV dads are kind of lame.

5. Mike Brady (Robert Reed), The Brady Bunch

Mike Brady suffers the fate of most TV dads: handsome but painfully vanilla. Still, if you look at him right, he has total fuck-me eyes.

4. Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini), The Sopranos

Gross, yes, but sexy in that I’ll-take-you-in-the-back-alley kind of way. Plus he’s always up for it. We sure as shit wouldn’t let our daughter babysit for the Sopranos.

3. Sandy Cohen (Peter Gallagher), The O.C.

His eyebrows practically had a co-starring role, but Sandy scores high for two reasons: He rocks a girl’s name, and he’s a civil rights attorney.

2. Sherriff Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith), The Andy Griffith Show

He’s a gentle man of morals, kind to Don Knotts, and from his loins sprang Richie Cunningham. Plus, he can totally get you out of that DUI.

1. Dan Conner (John Goodman), Roseanne

Humor always trumps hotness when it comes to the men we love. And no dad was funnier, or cooler, than Dan Conner. As little girls, we wanted to grow up and marry someone like Dan. Still do. Fuck your waistline. Can you make us laugh? —SH


Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12198#12198

I don’t know how else to say this: I have a crush on the Verizon wireless dude. I know this isn’t cool. I know this is not something you show off at the dinner party, along with your pictures from Spain and your high-end vibrators. The Verizon Wireless "Can you hear me now?" commercials are the stickiest, most annoying thing to hit primetime since Fran Drescher. Crushing on the Verizon Wireless guy is like having sex fantasies about Ronald McDonald. (Or Fran Drescher.) The thing about him, though, is that he has that East Coast intellectual thing—part Jeremy Piven, part Jonathan Safran Foer. Get him out of that jumpsuit, and you’d have a hot New York Jew.

I think the Verizon wireless guy’s secret sex appeal is the reason they’ve kept him around so long. He’s not threatening to men. He isn’t blatantly handsome. If he were in a romantic comedy, he’d play the best friend. But everyone knows that leading men are boring, and best friends are the interesting ones. Especially when they can get you sweet deals on a new cell phone. —SH


Read or Leave Feedback   (4)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12189#12189

A salon in Oklahoma is offering haircuts from scantily clad women. This bodes well for our new dentists-wearing-strap-ons business proposal. We issue a warning to men at the salon, however: That white glop on the floor? It’s not hair gel. (Thanks to Pam P. for the link.) —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12188#12188

Gorillaz illustrator Jamie Hewlett has designed a collection of limited-edition vibrators. These are definitely cool-looking. But we have some reservations about $275 designer sex toys. Mainly, we're concerned that after spending $275 on a limited-edition vibrator, people will not be content to keep something so fancy between themselves and God. No, they'll be compelled to put it on display for roommates, houseguests, and the UPS delivery guy. The bookshelf sex toy is not a good trend. We don't care if it's made by Picasso. If you rub it on your clit, keep it in the nightstand drawer. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12186#12186

Johnny Depp is on tour to promote the international release of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. He seems like a pretty nice guy in this video, especially considering he's under attack by moustachioed toddlers who play air piano. Next stop on tour: drunk monkeys playing football in his honor. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12177#12177

Want to be a huge fucking creep, but don't know where to start? Why don't you use "science" to check your girlfriend's underwear for other dudes' sperm? Checkmate (Get it? "Checks" your "mate" for stray sperm. Brilliant!) is a must-have for paranoid sociopaths and other people who deserve to live alone in their mothers' basements until they're 45. (via Metafilter) —NP


Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12181#12181

We once had this Michael Jackson doll who would regularly have threesomes with Gem and Barbie. Don't judge, we were VERY young. (OK. Fine. We were, like, 15.) But then sometimes, Michael, Barbie and Gem would just chill and try to make a life for themselves. Michael would do the dishes, and they'd all try on outfits and bicker over what to watch on TV. It was a tough household, but there was a lot of love. The new LOGO show Rick & Steve seems to have a similar dynamic. Parenting drama and double entendre among gay, animated Lego men and their lesbian friends. We bet this is one show that Michael, Gem, and Barbie would have all liked. Although we're not sure if that's a reason to watch it, or a reason to turn off the TV and get a life. —NP


Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12173#12173

Montana is known for many things: Big mountains, huuuge tracts of land, skies the color of … skies. But we bet you’ve never heard about Tom Freeman, a gay cattle rancher who contracted AIDS 27 years ago. His is one of 18 stories on Montana Love, a website by Brian McDermott featuring audio interviews about all kinds of love in Big Sky Country. It’s actually quite good. In Freeman’s interview, he talks about losing the love of his life to AIDS. Thanks, Montana Love. Now we feel weepy and alone. Again. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12174#12174

You know what you need to read RIGHT NOW? An early-Internet, uncopyedited list of the tambourine hall of fame. Need a teaser? Stevie Nicks occupies spots 1 - 8 million and falls under the subcategory: "The dark side of tambourining, ex-cheerleaders as tambourine players." If the tambourine and this list of tambourine players don't make you smile, we are revoking your pop-culture access pass immediately and sending you and your mangy cat to live in an Indiana toll booth. Sorry for the harsh words; this list has made a mother hen out of us. LOVE OUR EGG, DAMMIT!—NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12171#12171

You know, a picture really does speak a thousand punchlines. Last weekend, these sperm dancers gathered in San Juan to protest same-sex marriage and abortion. Ladies and gentlemen, the future winners of America’s Got Talent. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (2)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12168#12168

This trailer has been rated blah-blah-blah: The MPAA introduces online movie trailer warnings. “There’s got to be something, if we’re being intellectually honest, between a trailer that’s appropriate for ‘Bambi’ and a trailer that would be appropriate to go up with ‘Hostel II.’”

Debbie will not be doing Tehran: Iran voted for proposal that could lead to the execution of porn stars. “Producers of pornographic works and main elements in their production are considered corruptors of the world.”

Public (affection) transportion: Two teen girls may have been kicked off a city bus for smooching. “After another passenger complained the driver allegedly called them ‘sickos’ and told them to ‘knock it off.’”

Hope your dad’s hot: New study shows women fall for men who look like their pops. “It shows our human brains don't simply build up prototypes of the ideal face based on those we see around us, rather they build them based on those to whom we have a strongly positive relationship."

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12167#12167

Things are getting ugly over at CBS News. Katie Couric, taking a beating in the ratings, has now been accused by Dan Rather of ”tarting up” the news. CBS chief exec. Les Moonves fired back today, accusing Rather of sexism. Couric could not be reached for comment, as she was too busy putting on her fishnets and stilettos for tonight's broadcast. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12150#12150

According to Boing Boing, www.fuckingmachines.com can't trademark its name because it contains the word "fucking" and is therefore "obscene." And yes yes yes, this is yet another bullshit authoritarian restriction by a prudish government institution, but let's take a minute and savor the idea of www.fuckingmachines.com before we get all heated and indignant. These are bad-ass fucking machines! Made with tools, and stuff from the hardware store. There's one called the Fuckzilla and one called the Vulvulator. What a dirty, magical world we live in. It's too bad they can't trademark their name because this shit is seriously worth stealing. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12148#12148

It's the 20th anniversary of Baby Jessica's fall down the well and she's granted Matt Lauer an interview. Is it just us, or does Baby Jessica look way older than 21? And doesn't Matt Lauer seem disappointed at her lack of visible scars? Oh, to be the young woman who survived a fall down the well and inspired the TV movie Everybody's Baby: The Rescue of Jessica McClure. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12143#12143

The Interweb has been abuzz with a story, carried on a local California television affiliate, that the Pentagon once intended to develop a gay bomb. Interestingly, this story ran two years ago on the BBC, but we understand: IT’S A GAY BOMB. IT FASCINATES YOU. Us, too! Mostly, it made us wonder: How would one build a gay bomb? We did some digging around on the Internet (www.buildingagaybomb.com—who knew?), and this is what we found:

Warning: When building a gay bomb, never direct the gay bomb at your own genitalia. If this happens, immediately call a doctor and/or Richard Simmons.

Ingredients: 3 tons uranium, regular alkaline battery, orange zest.

Step 1. Take off your shirt. Ahhh. That’s better.

Step 2. Rub alkaline battery, concentrating on its sensitive tip, until it emits sparks. This may take two minutes, or two hours, depending on how much you drank.

Step 3. Dice uranium into half-inch cubes and sprinkle with orange zest. Coat with olive oil. Toss salad.

Step 3. Bake in oven at 450 degrees while you enjoy Bravo’s reality programming.

Step 4. Congratulations, you now have a gay bomb. Prepare to have your mind—and possibly other things—BLOWN.

—SH


Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12151#12151

Rufus Griscom, Nerve’s fearless CEO and bon vivant, is the subject of an article in Business Week about online media and, particularly, Nerve's rare success story. What’s next for Nerve? How does Rufus stay so tall and gawky-cool? You’ll have to read the story, friends. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12139#12139

It's official: We are obsessed with sexy stories about old people. We've told you about nursing home sex, geriatric lesbian weddings, old-man fetishes, and now, real-life calendar girls. These Pennsylvania GILFs took a cue from the movie Calendar Girls and are baring all for a good cause. We are so close to ordering a copy of their pin-up calendar. Somebody hide our credit cards, please! —NP


Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12138#12138

Someone should tell this lady that she's got an ostrich stuck to her eyeballs. It seems the new trend among Japanese women is to dress your face up like a horse's ass. Seriously, they have salons for it. We hope that eye-pube doesn't get caught in an elevator door, or something. Ouch. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (2)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12136#12136

We watched E!'s new reality show Sunset Tan and we decided we're never leaving the house again. The world is a scary scary place. We prefer Vitamin D deficiencies and bad posture to a fake-baked corpse any day. Yes, that's right, they tanned a dead man. They also tanned a six-year-old so she could "look like Lindsay Lohan" for her school pictures. We wish tanning had some magical power to destroy people. Oh. Wait. Well, that's a fortunate coincidence. Tan away, you trashy little zombies. (Thanks to BWE for being all over this shit.) —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12133#12133

We can’t tell you how many times we’ve played naked Twister wishing we could turn that slippery board into a bed. (Actually, we can tell you. The number is 23.) Finally, we find a product that can actually improve our lives. Where was this in Sky Mall? Twister Duvets are so amazing, so earth-shattering in their cultural importance, that they get their own URL. Right hand, red. Left hand? Love. (Big spin of the dial to Jeff for sending the link.) —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12129#12129

We’re pretty much in love with all female authors. Gertrude Stein? Hot. Joan Didion? Smokin’. We’d have crushes on female authors even if we never saw their author’s photos. But then sometimes you see their author’s photo, and you’re like, Dammmn, girl. Zadie Smith is one of those people. Another is Miranda July. If you’re not familiar with their work, what is wrong with you? But we’re guessing you are familiar with their work. Because you’re excellent like that. —SH

Who would you rather: Zadie Smith or Miranda July?

UPDATE: Miranda July is darling, and quirky, and multitalented. But it's awful hard to compete with a Whitbread-winning novelist who once edited a collection of erotic fiction. Especially when she looks like this:

Winner: Zadie Smith And those who have never heard of her are hereby sentenced to ten hours of White Teeth.

Read or Leave Feedback   (17)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12128#12128

Got sperm?: The genetic miracle that makes a dad . “Sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and superspecialization.”

Whiskey, with a side of rubbers: India opens its first condom bar. “‘We Indians are shy about sex. But here, you start talking about safe sex because of all these condoms.’”

And suck-ass justice for all: Appeal keeps
Genarlow Wilson behind bars. "That's the ultimate abuse of power as a prosecutor," said Bernstein. "I want this child out. Enough already."

Pour some sugar on him: How to throw the perfect bachelor party "Despite what some vulgarians would have you believe, the ritual is not about ‘one last night of freedom,’ it is a buoyant affirmation of solidarity."

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12126#12126

If you are like us, then you are exhausted by the Paris Hilton story. It is like a hairshirt we must wear. A hairshirt made of pubic hair, and infested with lice. For the rest of you, there is TMZ.com. Oh, and CNN, which is covering this story with the kind of zeal they usually reserve for Spring Breakers lost in Aruba. In this sick and bankrupt world, at least we can all depend on one thing: The stone-cold justice of Judge Michael T. Sauer.

Judge Sauer, of course, is the man responsible for putting Paris Hilton back in the slammer. What do we know about Judge Sauer? Well, he went to Loyola law school, he loves walks on the beach, and he put that fucking bitch back in jail.

And for that, he is our Crush of the Week. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12116#12116

Like Scanner, and the rest of the Internet, the tiny town of Brooklyn, IL, owes much of its livelihood to "adult" subject matter. Almost all its revenue comes from strip clubs, adult bookstores, and massage parlors. And these business give more than a lap dance. Business owners donate scholarships to deserving high school students, and a cabaret baron sits on the school board. Of course, people are stressed out about the children, but we think it's great that erotic massage really does bring happy endings!—NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12115#12115

Get ready for some of the most outrageous, shocking nuns having fun yet! These sisters are up to their old habits, and you won’t believe what happens behind closed convent doors. Lawd have mercy, every month of the year! (via Neatorama) —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12102#12102

You've been trying to get on a reality television competition for a while now, but the "right show" just hasn't come along. You're not famous enough for Dancing With the Stars, you lack the people skills for Big Brother, and Survivor contestants always end up eating bugs. It's a good thing multi-talented entertainer John Tesh is sponsoring the greatest reality contest ever: Dancing with the Tesh. The prize? Dancing with the Tesh. The competition won't be televised, but the three best dancers will appear on Tesh's upcoming PBS special. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12100#12100

Poor Genarlow Wilson, who became an Internet celebrity and a convict at the same time, may finally be a free man. An Atlanta judge has thrown out the verdict that sentenced Wilson to 10 years (!!) for having consensual sex with a 15-year-old while he was 17. The state attorney general plans to appeal. And we plan to hit the state attorney general over the head with a frying pan. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12112#12112

The concept for this new web reality series is so simple and clever you will slap yourself with a blueberry pancake for not thinking of it first. “Date: Unknown” films the first encounters of couples who met online. Sometimes, the couple has total chemistry. Sometimes, the date is a total washout. In the above video, two 20-somethings meet after talking on MySpace for a month. What’s striking about it is how shy and awkward they both seem, despite the fact that they talk like porn stars. Who knew a first date could include a lap dance but end in a hand-shake?

The series comes from 20-year-old entrepreneur Brandon Fletcher, who posts a new installment every week on this website.

If you were looking for something a bit punchier in your Video of the Day, here’s a goof on automated phone sex. —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12108#12108

Clay Aiken is a total mystery to us. We are disturbed and confused by his fame. But there is one thing we do know about Aiken: the man seems to be very very gay. So now we don't understand why the "Claymates" are arguing on his website message boards over whether he chews the twizzler. If you're going to love the Clay, love him for the gay, horse-riding, leprechaun that he so obviously is. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12104#12104

Recently, swimsuit model Lauren Jones became a newscaster in Tyler, Texas, a stunt that will be featured on an upcoming FOX reality show called Anchorwoman. This has outraged citizens of the East Texas town, who claim she doesn’t have nearly enough journalism experience—or eye makeup. Says one outraged critic: "It devalues the work of real journalists who are trying to do real work.” And now, a breaking story on dogs that look like their owners! —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12106#12106

This bizarro sex toy is so offensive. Like, can you believe they used that tacky pink toenail polish? Fortunately, it matches the clit on the foot arch. (Thanks to Laura.) —SH

Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12097#12097

If you can't keep your eyes off that middle-aged business man's package, we've got the baffling Japanese fetish for you. Oyaji is the idealization of older men, and this blog, is the best place to see them jerk each other off. (via Japan Probe) —NP


Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12098#12098

“So the moral of the story, you cannot make cheese out of your own breast milk. So don’t even try.”

Read or Leave Feedback   (1)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12092#12092

Summer trilogies are a total yawn—we're pissing our pants in anticipation of Happy Feet 4 —but thanks to Judd Apatow and Knocked Up, the bawdy summer comedy is back. Next up? Superbad, opening in August and starring the superbad Michael Cera. If you are not already anticipating this one, then you haven’t watched the trailer. Spoiler: It includes Van Halen’s “Panama.” Bitchin'. —SH



Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12091#12091

Fat Lady Sings, Tony Lives: Critics discuss the Sopranos finale. “Playing against viewer expectations, as always, [creator David] Chase refused to stage a mass extermination, put the characters through any major transformations, or provide his viewers with comfortable closure.”

Spring Fever: Spring Awakening and Coast of Utopia sweep the sweep the Tonys. “Oh, my God,” Ms. White said. “You Tony voters, what a bunch of wacky, crazy kids!”

Abortion? What’s That? How Hollywood sidesteps the issue of choice. The possibility of not having the baby is never discussed by either woman despite her circumstances.”

Cautionary tale?: Almost 8,000 sex offenders in England have received a police caution rather than being charged. “ ‘This is a direct consequence of Labour pursuing a policy of getting detections by the easiest possible route, even if it means keeping thousands of serious offenders out of the justice system.’”

Here comes the bride. Again and again. As the invitations mount in your mailbox, Slate kicks off their wedding issue. ”Weddings have been an enduring source of inspiration for everyone from Shakespeare to Sandler.”

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12086#12086

Irritants: Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh and the fourth one.

Irritated: Their father Brad. He's "had his fill" of dragging his children through the streets of the former Czechoslovakia while Angelina makes another espionage movie.

Fast-Acting Relief: A source reassures that the couple has multiple nannies, and that Angelina "says she wants to learn to cook."

Us Weekly

Irritant: Julia Roberts' unborn child.

Irritated: Julia Roberts. Her baby bump causes her shirt to ride up, which causes her to make a face like she just stepped in dog shit.

Fast-Acting Relief: The nine months just fly by. "It's overnight. You wake up and go, 'My God!'"

In Touch

Irritants: All the celebrities' babies.

Irritated: All the celebrities.

Fast-Acting Relief: Marva! Marva the Hollywood supernanny takes the children of Sheryl Crow, Courtney Cox and Reese Witherspoon and does something magical to make them stop crying. Perks of the job include being wished happy birthday from the Oscars podium and an estimated quarter-million-dollar salary. — Will Doig

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12068#12068

Last night we had the pleasure of attending the 7th annual Miss Lez Pageant in Brooklyn, NY. Hosted by Murray Hill, seven contestants represented various lesbionic institutions across the city, and celebrity judges, including Kathleen Hanna and the Wau Wau Sisters, crowned Miss I Heart Brooklyn Girls the pageant winner. Past contestants include L Word actress Daniela Sea, sex educator Ducky Doolittle, and "comitragic performance vehicle" Dynasty Handbag. As would be expected, the pageant has given us a newfound interest in beauty queens. With talent acts like a fire breathing, mime striptease and a demonstration of female ejaculation, these women showed up with a lot of class, a lot of ass, and a lot of electrical-tape-covered nipples. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12066#12066

If only every young girl's first kiss were this intense. There are at least four things about this video that make us squirm and scrunch up our faces. So, naturally, we're going to force it on you all. Watch now! (via Wired) —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (4)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12064#12064

We're always in the mood for a good, onscreen ass-kicking. That's why we're very excited to see that our brother-site Screengrab has started a list of the best movie fights. Our favorite fight scene is in The Crippled Masters, when the man with no arms fights the man with no legs. But scenes in trashy kung fu movies probably shouldn't count. Screengrab is much classier than we are, so we'll let them instruct and inform while we just keep grossing you out. —NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (0)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12063#12063

If you're going to buy a dildo in Texas, you'd better know how to ask for one. Because of lunatic Texas sex toy bans, stores cannot sell dildos, they can only sell "educational models" to be used for demonstrations and art. Vibrators are, you guessed it, "personal massagers." And when you buy one, you have to sign a waiver promising you won't use it for its intended purpose. But the best part about this wing-nut sex toy ban: butt plugs are still butt plugs in Texas. (via Feministing)—NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (2)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12058#12058

If you've always wanted a stun gun, but hate how bulky and insconspicuous they are, we have the product for you! This stun gun in the shape of a tampon will look great next to your cell phone pepper spray. (via BWE)—NP

Read or Leave Feedback   (3)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12056#12056

We know that you all want to marry, fuck, AND kill George Clooney. Preferably after a few limoncellos and some hot Darfur roleplay. Too bad. Today, we’re asking you to choose between the other stars of Ocean’s 13. Which one do you want to suck off behind the slot machine? Which one do you want to marry in a quickie wedding presided by an Elvis impersonator? And which one do you want to feed to Al Pacino with his special flask of fresh blood? —SH

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

• a. Don Cheadle


• b. Matt Damon


• c. Brad Pitt



Read or Leave Feedback   (12)
Permalink : http://nerve.com/nerveblog/scannerblog.aspx?id=96e12046#12046