Top 5 Sleeping With The Enemy
4/16/2008 4:26:24 PM
Who doesn’t like a little fried chicken with their sex? I mean if you’ve got to sleep with your enemy, let alone a guy named Fat Bastard they better be bringing something to the table, right? Too bad Heather Graham doesn’t eat. Ohhh, the things gorgeous crime fighting CIA agents will do to reclaim the mojo of hairy, snaggle toothed, British men…
So, George Clooney enjoys bathing by candle light, eh? I’m not buying it, but it sure makes for one sizzling sex scene, especially when a gun is involved too. Whew, something about guns, candles and sex, I don’t know…does it for me. I mean if JLo can’t even pause to take off her pants before getting into a tub of water you know it’s gotta be all sort o’ hot up in there!
Dontcha just hate it when you fall for a rapist serial killer who brutally mutilates the bodies of his victims? In that moment when she opens the door and it’s the killer on the other side you almost want to cry out “No Angie, No!” – but then you realize it’s just Ethan Hawke, he’s totally adorable AND he knows how we like it – up against the wall, on top of a table covered in shattered glass, thrown across a canopy bed…with pictures of mutilated women taped to the top? Okay, creeeeepy! That part we’ll leave out- but the rest we’ll devour like a thirteen year old boy with illegal Playboy Channel access would.
You know that moment right before you’re about to climax when your partner stabs you in the neck? You know, it’s like…ohhh baby hurts so good! No? Oh, well…me neither. Look, some people have really weird fetishes – or in Sharon Stone’s case you just really know how to end a good hate fuck.
Brad, Angie and the movie that ruined Jennifer Aniston’s life – need I say more? Guns, face slapping and blazing fires – is their even anything sexier? I think not. I know, I know, this is the second Angie scene – but seriously, take her or leave her, this is a woman who knows her hate sex. From the movie that sparked an insane Hollywood media frenzy, we bring you the sex scene at the center of it all – and it’s damn good enemy sex if you ask me! Ah, If only we could all have enemies with bodies like these…
— Alexandra Godfrey
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The Onion: "'Iron Man' Trailer to Be Adapted into a Feature-Length Film"
4/16/2008 2:26:38 PM
"Meanwhile, in Seattle, a man has bruised twenty-three people in a punching spree..."
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His name is McLovin', and he is asking for your support.
4/16/2008 12:25:06 PM
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My name is Oliver Miller, and I am asking for your support.
4/16/2008 11:59:30 AM
Greetings,
As many of you may know, my name is Oliver Miller, and I write the "Nerve Video Blog." For my entire life, whenever I have done an obsessive Google search on my own name, I have been buried behind hundreds of pages of links to fat, retired basketball player "Oliver Miller" (pictured above). ...However, recently, it has come to my attention that as a result of this blog, and as a result of a drunken feud that I had with "The Village Voice," I have moved up to the third page of "hits" for the search for the words... "Oliver Miller."
My friends... I am asking for your support.
I am tired of being buried behind a fat, retired basketball player. However, and unfortunately, my own use of my own name in these blogs does not count towards improving my Google ranking. Therefore, I am requesting the following:
1) That Nerve, in its other links to this blog, continually refer to me by my full name, i.e., "video-blogger extraordinaire Oliver Miller," or, "that guy Oliver Miller," or, "Oliver Miller (not the fat, retired basketball-playing one)."
2) All of my readers who have blogs of their own and/or websites may likewise do the same.
3) Particularly stunning uses of my name will be rewarded with special prizes. (Note: not a joke.)
...My friends, I thank you for allowing me to take time out of your busy schedule to bring this matter up. By the way, if you had actually wanted to read something interesting, you would have been better off reading the Scarlett Johannson blog, two blogs below...
My friends, let us move me up in the Google rankings. YES WE CAN!
...Remember, there is always room at the top... Don't let them tell you... that there is not.
your pal,
Oliver Miller
coming next: The Nerve 2008 NBA playoffs preview (maybe) ...for all two people who read Nerve and who like basketball...
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The Enemies List
4/16/2008 10:56:40 AM
(N.B.: ...This list will be continually updated as events warrant, so watch out... you...)
1) Hillary Clinton
2) Ashlee Simpson
3) George W. Bush
4) Actually, all Republicans, with the exception of old-timey Republicans, like, say, Abraham Lincoln.
5) Scarlett Johannson (redacted)
5) Fake "retro" T-shirts (replaces Scarlett Johannson; viz., above.)
6) “The Hills,” with the possible exception of Whitney, who sort of seems like she knows what’s going on.
7) Isiah Thomas
8) George Lucas
9) Tyra Banks
10) That guy who screamed “fag” at me the other day when I was driving my car.
11) That Senator guy who called Obama “boy” the other day. Racist? Noooo... That was just a slip of the tongue...
12) Rick Santorum, who would have been much higher on this list if he was actually still in the Senate.
13) Osama Bin Laden (not a fan)
14) Saddam Hussein (I never liked him either)
15) Jardine Libaire
16) The San Antonio Spurs
17) Bernie Mac
18) Kelsey Grammer
19) The WWE
20) China (the country, not the wrestler)
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In a stunning reversal, Scarlett Johannson's new album is actually good.
4/16/2008 10:07:56 AM
Well blow me down! I haven't been this surprised since, well, it's been a while. Non-very-good-at-acting actor Scarlett Johannson's new album, covering a bunch of Tom Waits songs, is apparently really good. Don't believe me? That's okay. I didn't believe me at first either. But here, you can download the title track from her album right... here. It won't destroy your computer with a really horrible virus; I know this because I downloaded it myself already. Unless it's a really slow-acting virus. In which case I'm screwed.
____
Don't like downloading stuff? Well then, you can either watch S-Jo sing "Summertime," or that song from the karaoke part in "Lost in Translation":
____
Though it's good news for music lovers, the fact that Scarlett's album is good is bad news for me, since I was all set to make fun of her. Especially since I've never liked Scarlett Johannson: in fact, she stood at Number 5 on my constantly-updated "Enemies List," behind George W. Bush, and ahead of Isiah Thomas.
But this new album is making me reconsider everything. Who cares that she's only been in one good movie, ever! S-Jo is like the anti-J-Lo now! I'm not even going to bother to explain that one!
So Scarlett now officially leaves the "Enemies List" and joins the list of hot actresses who've actually released a good album. And here's that complete list:
1) Scarlett Johannson.
2) Milla Jovovich.
3) That is all.
NEW RULE: If you're an actress, and your last name starts with the letters "JO," and you start recording music, then you get the benefit of the doubt.
BONUS VIDEO: Here's Milla, in a video that I wish was slightly better. But the song is good...
--Oliver
coming next: "The Enemies List"
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Prepping for Pangea Day: France Sings for the U.S.A.
4/15/2008 1:02:00 PM
Maybe I’m a sentimental little ball of sap and cheese – wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest – but there’s something about a bunch of French people singing multiple verses of the United States’ national anthem about that get me all teary-eyed. It won’t be enough to get all of the France-bashers to stop chugging the haterade, but whatever.
I think Pangea Day might just be my new favorite holiday. It’s May 10th, so mark it on your calendars and meet me by the snack table.
Watch other nations singing each other’s national anthems here. Get sappy with me, be moved.
— Caitlin MacRae
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Piñatas Strike Back!
4/15/2008 12:29:28 PM
I, personally, love it when people have piñatas for their birthday parties. But how do the piñatas feel?
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How's Obama doing?
4/15/2008 12:19:26 PM
...Previously on "The Democratic Nomination, Part 432," Barack Obama had called Pennsylvanian voters "bitter" and said that they "cling to guns and religion."
Quick! Form of... Damage Control! Now! Let's watch and react in real-time, shall we?
Um... I'm not sure that methodically and diligently parsing your remarks that offended a ton of voters is the way to go, but then, hey, I no longer get paid to offer bad political advice. One of my suggestions for the Senate campaign that I worked on: "Can't we just sort of mention how George W. Bush used to do coke until he passed out on the hood of his car?" Yeah. That one got rejected.
Here's a possible way out for Barack; try saying that you were on, say, Magic Mushrooms when you gave your "bitter" speech. "My fellow Americans, some of you say that you found my remarks to be hurtful and devisive. But if that's the case... then why can I see through time with my hands?" No one could stay mad at that, am I right?
But again, and as always, that's just one man's opinion...
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How to jump over an Aston Martin...
4/15/2008 9:59:56 AM
...Brought to you by Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant. You know how video games always have a "jump button," and in your head you're always like, "Wait, but how useful is jumping in real life?" I mean, the last time that I jumped was to get that can of tuna fish off the top shelf, three weeks ago, and even that was more of a hop/stretch. But Kobe shows us how it's done for real:
...And I'll bet that his coach is just overjoyed that he's jumping cars on his day off. By the way, Kobe? You grew up in Italy and went to the wussy rich-kids high school in the suburbs of Philadelphia that was five minutes away from my wussy rich-kids high school in the suburbs of Philadelphia. You can probably stop trying to talk "gangsta" now. ...I'm not sayin'; I'm just sayin'.
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