The Remote Island : Tom Cruise

Judd Apatow On AMC's "Storymakers": "There Is A Certain Amount Of Penis America Can Handle In 2009"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 15 May 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Tonight at 10, Apatow, Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, and Nick Cassavetes sit down with hosts Peter Guber and Peter Bart to discuss film. And, apparently,male genitalia.

We find Apatow's statement to be true, and profound. Of course, then the question is: what is the proper amount of penis?

We've spent our whole lives trying to figure that out. Oh, you were expecting an answer? Okay, hold on...

Seven. Seven what? Inches? Minutes? Penises?

No, just seven.

PREVIOUSLY:

CNN Loves Penis...Uh, What?

"Grey's Anatomy": Everybody Wants To Know If You Can Really Break Your Penis

Domino's Phallic Pasta Ad Is Too Hot For TV [VIDEO]

No Erectile Dysfunction Ads On TV Before 10 P.M.?

Giant Television Preys On Penis Insecurities

Tom Cruise Does "Top Ten Craziest Things People Say About Tom Cruise"

Jake Kalish — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

Video after the jump.

Weirdly, none of things are anywhere near as crazy as anything we or Rob Thomas heard.

Tom Cruise, Matt Lauer, Blah Blah

Bryan Christian — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:44:00 GMT

We couldn't care less about this and we couldn't find a video that didn't have this annoying celebrojournogal in it, but it's everywhere so, here you go: Tom Cruise was on The Today Show again this morning and didn't attempt to read Matt Lauer's engrams.

Sometimes you have to wonder whether the Internet's really good for people, huh?

Tom Cruise Weighs In On "The Hills" Wedding. Weird.

Lindy Parker — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

We don't really know what to say about this one. Granted, Tom Cruise had himself a merry little wedding not too long ago, so we suppose he may have a thing or two he wants to say on the subject, but seriously? He wants to comment on the elopement of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt? Really?

Admittedly, it didn't seem as though he actually watches "The Hills" during the interview -- more like the veejays gave him a recap and asked his opinion -- but still, doesn't T. Cruise have better things to discuss than whether or not Spencer and Heidi should've had a bigger wedding? Weird, Tom. Weird.

Here's the clip.

The Matt Lauer Celebrity Roast with Tom "Shecky" Cruise

Jake Kalish — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:31:00 GMT

Friday saw a celebrity roast of Matt Lauer at New York's Friars Club, and America's favorite creepy Scientologist kept the zingers flying right at his former prescription pill antagonist. "Believe it or not, Matt and I are friends," said Tom Cruise, before channeling Don Rickles.

Okay, we don't believe that, any more than we believe Cruise is now best buds with Brooke Shields, the subject of this whole p.r. meltdown a few years back. Can you say image makeover? What about damage control? Still, Les Grossman can be as phony as he wants to be, so long as he keeps making jokes about stuff like Lauer telling him to talk like a raving maniac about Katie Holmes on Oprah: "Hey, hey, Top Gun...don't be glib...You know, go crazy, man. Trust me, people will love you for it." Hah! Actually, we kind of like crazy Tom Cruise more than we like the Tom Cruise whose people tell him to joke around about acting crazy. Hey, hey, Top Gun...don't be so self-aware.

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights http://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

The Weekly Rewind: Everyone's a Comedian

Ben Kallen — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:40:00 GMT

The comedians made fun of the candidates, the candidates went on comedy shows, and everyone seemed to think that being serious was the same as raising taxes. Meanwhile, the new TV season was still going strong, except that maybe nobody was watching. We'll try to make sense of it all -- and be funny! -- as we bring you the highlights of the week.

We decided that whoever wins the popular vote, comedy will take the election. We were hoping for a late-night foursome, but still enjoyed seeing John McCain finally make it to Dave Letterman's comedy hot seat. We enjoyed the debate, but were a little disappointed by the inevitable follow-up spoof on Saturday Night Live. We watched as Tina Fey tried to beg off impersonating Sarah Palin, but she couldn't help telling Dave how she does it. And it didn't matter, because Sarah Palin's coming to SNL herself -- and she'll probably take over 30 Rock next.

We were surprised when Mark Wahlberg lost his sense of humor entirely. But we had to admit, that was kinda funny, too.

We read all about Maureen McCormick's life of sex, drugs and Marcia Brady. Then we heard her talk about it, and, wow. Just wow.

But while Marcia got Davy Jones to come to her prom, the High School Musical kids had to settle for Tom Cruise.

We were happy that the fashion world agrees with our passion for Mad Men's curvy dynamo Christina Henricks. But we worried about the show itself.

We noticed that The Profiler still cuts a great profile. And Lisa Bonet made us think of a pun that we'll keep to ourselves.

Despite the fact that 15-year-old Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen seems defensive about her weight and still dresses like a 30-year-old model for Mode magazine, we decided she's probably better-adjusted than we are. As for 15-year-old Miley Cyrus, we're not so sure.

And George Hamilton's tale of 12-year-old stepmother sex? That was some time ago, but yikes.

We saw photos of some kids playing Star Trek, and hoped the actual movie would look a lot better.

We saw Cinemax's new zilly, zmutty zex-fest, and decided that literary porn is just like regular porn, but boring.

We thought it was cute that the stars of Gossip Girl think we care what they think.

We heard Blake Lewis deliver a smackdown on American Idol. (Remember? He was that beatbox guy? With the vests?)

And we saw Paris in London, but couldn't figure out how to get them to keep her.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Like Kissing Your Sister

Tom Cruise Takes The "HSM" Kids Under His Wing

Lindy Parker — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:20:00 GMT

As she gears up for the theater release of the Disney Channel cash cow High School Musical 3: Senior Year, Vanessa Hudgens is taking all the advice she can get about life in the limelight -- and who better to dole out sympathetic counsel on navigating the treacherous waters of superstardom than Tom Cruise?

Tom's pearls of wisdom?

"Tom was so sweet and such a nice guy," Vanessa told Access Hollywood. "Just telling me there isn't much that you can do. [Fame's] just part of your life now, so you have to accept it. He is an amazing guy and I look up to him." Vanessa also got to meet Tom's better half, Katie Holmes. "I was at a Spice Girls concert because Victoria invited me and Suri, Kate and Tom walk in ... and I got to talk to them, they are all really great people." -- In Touch

Our roommate's reaction: "Weeeeeird. Weird. Weird. Weird. All around."

We kind of agree. We guess it's nice that he's putting himself out there to mentor those young and impressionable in the ways of the celebrity circus, but honestly, would you really want to take advice from someone who's gotten as all around bizarre as he has? Also, is it us or are his teeth slightly off-center?

Rumor Mill: Katie Holmes to Guest Star on “Eli Stone”

Nicole Ankowski — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:29:00 GMT

Rumor has it that Katie Holmes has filmed an episode for Eli Stone’s second season. She was seen on-set Tuesday, along with hubby Tom Cruise and that adorable lil’ Suri. ”Katie was seen wearing black gloves the whole time and carrying around a Starbucks cup.” Mysterious!

Eli Stone is about a greedy lawyer who, after a series of odd visions (George Michael singing!) “finds himself at a crossroads between the man he has become and the man he wants to be.” Think it resonates with Katie? Come back to us, Joey Potter!

Katie Holmes To Guest Star On ‘Eli Stone’? [Just Jared]