The Remote Island : Jay Leno

Matt Giraud: Better After "Idol"?

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 20:34:00 GMT

Is it us or has Matt Giraud gotten like a hundred times better since he got voted off American Idol? Here's some examples...

Matt on Ellen...

RIght? He's more confident and suave, and his voice sounds amazing. We don't remember him sounding quite that good when he performed "Let's Get It On" on American Idol.

Matt on Regis and Kelly...

Except for Regis forgetting his mic was still on and talking over the first part of Matt's song, that version of "So Small" was also significantly more relaxed and smooth than his original Idol performance. In fact, the only post-Idol appearance in which Matt seemed less than comfortable was the Tonight Show...

Previously:

American Idol: The Piano Man
American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me

Jay Leno's Last "Tonight Show" Guest

Jake Kalish — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

We've gotta say, it's an excellent choice...

And so, the torch is passed. A classy team player, that Jay Leno. In addition to having the new Tonight Show host on last that last May 29th broadcast of the old Tonight Show, in the final week Leno will welcome Mel Gibson, Prince (he of the crazy interviews) and Billy Crystal, who was Leno's first guest when he took over Tonight in 1992.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno: "Conan Was Holding A Pillow Over My Face" [VIDEO]

The New "Leno" Will Be A Hell Of A Lot Like The Old Leno [VIDEO]

The "Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien" Website Is Here [VIDEO]

Leno: It Was Exhaustion

Jake Kalish — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:02:00 GMT

And no wonder, with his insane schedule, which is even more insane than we knew. Here's Jay explaining why he might have gotten a little tired:

"I think I just probably got worn out," he says. "I do three columns. I write for the London Sunday Times, I write for Popular Mechanics every month and I write for a British magazine called Octane. I do all automotive stuff. And then I'm on the road [doing standup comedy] 160 days. I think it's one of those deals where you just kinda just got worn out."

Jeez. Who takes all that extra work, especially when they make over 20 mill a year at their regular gig? Still, Leno's not using that as an excuse:

"Exhaustion," he said Friday, shaking his head. He added jokingly, "That's like a rich person's condition. Poor people that work – they don't get exhausted. Only rich people get exhausted. It's an embarrassing thing."

Only rich people get exhausted? Is that like "You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?"

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno: "Conan Was Holding A Pillow Over My Face" [VIDEO]

Jay Leno Takes His First Sick Day In 17 Years

Jay Leno Doing A Free Standup Show For The Jobless In Michigan [UPDATE]

Jay Leno: "Conan Was Holding A Pillow Over My Face" [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Jay Leno was back to work Monday after his first sick days in 17 years, and he joked in his monologue about some strange things that happened during his overnight hospital stay. This is actually pretty damn funny...

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno Takes His First Sick Day In 17 Years

Conan O'Brien Will Love This

Is Conan O'Brien Really "Thrilled" Leno's Moving To 10?

Jay Leno Takes His First Sick Day In 17 Years

Jake Kalish — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Boy, say what you will about this guy's show - the man's a worker.

Jay Leno missed last night's Tonight Show, taking his first sick day in 17 years as host. It took being hospitalized...

The Tonight Show host canceled Thursday's taping of the NBC late-night staple—a rarity—after he felt sick and voluntarily opted to go to the hospital.

Leno's spokesman, Dick Guttman, said that the comedian was in his office at NBC's Burbank, Calif., studios at the time and left for nearby Providence St. Joseph Medical Center around midday. He characterized Leno's condition as "mild."

"Jay Leno is doing just fine," NBC spokeswoman Tracy St. Pierre told E! News this afternoon. "He was kidding around with the hospital staff and running his monologue jokes by the doctors and the nurses. He's expected back to work on Monday."

What got Leno in the hospital hasn't been disclosed, but rumor is it's food poisoning. He's also missing tonight's show, and the two Vegas standup gigs he was going to do this weekend. Like we said, a hell of a worker. Also very cool to unemployed people. But The Tonight Show is still not very funny, and won't be until Conan arrives. Mostly we feel bad for the Providence St.Joseph Medical Center staff, forced to laugh politely at stale Lindsay Lohan jokes.

PREVIOUSLY:

NBC Wins! Boston Will Get To See Leno's New Show

NBC's Boston Affiliate Dumps Jay Leno

Barack Obama Is Going On "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"

NBC Wins! Boston Will Get To See Leno's New Show

Olivia Purnell — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:46:00 GMT

Is it wrong that we're not ecstatic?

It's not that we don't like Leno. We have a little bit of latent affection for his silvery coif and that infamous chin. But we really and truly appreciated the cojones it took for Ed Ansin, owner of WHDH-TV (Boston's NBC Affiliate), to go out on a thin little wisp of a limb and say Fuck NBC, their new programing model is not profitable and we have the right to choose alternate programming. Maybe we just like disent and approve of any speech that includes the phrase "right to choose."

At any rate, Asnin's changed his tune slightly. He says:

"Jay is from Andover, where I went to school. I enjoy his humor. We hope the new show is a big success."

Hmmm. Hoping for success is not the same as anticipating ratings gold. This is not an about face, but Asnin is certainly a lot more supportive of Jay's new venture than he was two weeks ago. Sad. It's not just that we liked the way Ed was sticking it to the man (although the man needs sticking it to every now and again). We also have questions in regards to NBC's model and the effect on local affiliates as well as television at large. Will Jay be able to carry an audience into the 11 O'clock news hour? How will Jay's overwhelming presence in the middle of primetime affect the network's desire and ability to develop quality tv series? Somebody? Anybody? No?

And now, John Eck, president of NBC TV, code name: The Man, is Gloaty McGloaterson. He says:

"We are very pleased that WHDH will carry Jay Leno's new primetime comedy show. We look forward to working closely with the station on a successful launch in Boston of this show, featuring one of the most bankable stars in the business."

Smug, right? You can hear the smirk through the screen can't you?

(tvguide.com)

Previously:

Today in Que?: Jay Leno's New Show To Air On Telemundo In Boston?

NBC's Boston Affiliate Dumps Jay Leno

Seth Rogan Shows Jay Leno His Skinny Butt Crack

When Leno Goes Primetime, Talk Shows Will Outnumber Other NBC Programming By Half-An-Hour

Today in ¿Qué?: Jay Leno's New Show To Air On Telemundo In Boston?

Olivia Purnell — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:27:00 GMT

Boston: Have no fear, Telemundo's here.

Last Week, Ed Ansin owner of NBC's Boston Affiliate, WHDH, announced that channel 7 will not be airing The Jay Leno Show in the 10pm time slot this fall, leaving Bostonians Leno-less.

But NBC has announced that Leno will air with or without stupid channel 7 and their stupid WHDH call sign. NBC has other friends in Boston, other station owners with other channels. They'll just take their Leno elsewhere.

The network says that four other stations in the area could air the show. One of them is a Telemundo station owned by the network, and the other three are independent stations.

Oh Jay. So much drama! We say screw WHDH! Take your early evening stylings to Telemundo. Are you and Kevin Eubanks up on your Espanol? How do you feel about possible guest appearances on the afternoon telenovelas? We're excited. We could see a whole different side of you. A Spanish side. With a mustache. And a secret lover, who is also your brother's wife. And you will obviously have to kill your brother because la passion is too strong. It's just too strong.

(tvsquad.com)

Previously:

NBC's Boston Affiliate Dumps Jay Leno

Seth Rogan Shows Jay Leno His Skinny Butt Crack

When Leno Goes Primetime, Talk Shows Will Outnumber Other NBC Programming By Half-An-Hour

NBC's Boston Affiliate Dumps Jay Leno

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:30:00 GMT

Leno lovers in Boston, get ready. It looks like you will not be getting your 10pm Leno-fix this fall.

WHDH Channel 7, NBC's Boston affiliate will be airing an hourlong 10pm newscast instead of Leno's 10pm talk show. Why? Well, station owner Ed Ansin says "we don't think the Leno show is going to be effective in primetime."

Ooooh snap. That's a pretty serious statement, and NBC's not taking it lying down.

After Ansin's assertion that the Jay Leno Show will be ineffectual and "detrimental" to the 11o'clock news (that just seems mean, doesn't it?), NBC TV Network president, John Eck, decided it was time to knuckle up and throwdown (as much as one can throwdown through a press release). He says:

"WHDH's move is a flagrant violation of the terms of their contract with NBC. If they persist, we will strip WHDH of its NBC affiliation. We have a number of other strong options in the Boston market, including using our existing broadcast license to launch an NBC owned-and-operated station."

This isn't an idle threat. NBC can do that kind of shit. It hapened back in 2000, with an NBC San Francisco affiliate called KRON. NBC is not above a hostile takeover.

We can't help but wonder, though, what would happen if NBC just let this one slide. Maybe they should let affiliates decide if they're into this whole early evening Leno thing. Would Leno survive? Or would he be replaced by hour-and-a-half long local news programming? (What in the sam hell do we need to hear about for an hour and a half?) Would affiliates start airing blocks of Snuggie infomercials, and Friends re-runs? We hear those infomercials rake in the dough. Maybe in addition to providing hours and hours of Pro-Activ programming and News, WHDH could take over Conan's slot and begin a local version of QVC, a Boston-based shopping show. Yes! WHDH, you can thank us later for that little stroke of genius.

(yahoo.com)

Previously:

Seth Rogan Shows Jay Leno His Skinny Butt Crack

When Leno Goes Primetime, Talk Shows Will Outnumber Other NBC Programming By Half-An-Hour

TV Networks Vs. Barack Obama

Seth Rogan Shows Jay Leno His Skinny Butt Crack

Olivia Purnell — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Seth Rogan has really lost weight. We knew he was looking slender, but it wasn’t until we saw that white-white ass on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno that we realized just how svelte dear Seth has become. His booty cheeks look like a pair of alabaster flapjacks.

Wanna see?

You know you do.

What? Who in the Sam Hell gave skinny Seth Rogan a spot in the center of Playboy. Who is minding the bunny store? Hugh Hefner must be rolling in his mansion right now.

(nbc.com)

Previously:

Is Hugh Hefner Watching His Former "Girl Next Door" On "Dancing With The Stars?"
Seth Rogan's Writing For "The Simpsons"
Jay Leno Doing A Free Standup Show For The Jobless In Michigan

Barack Obama Is Going On "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"

Jake Kalish — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 21:06:00 GMT

March 19th. It's the first-ever appearance by a sitting President on a late-night talk show. The President plans to discuss his economic plan and "other topics" which may or may not include dumb newspaper headlines and dumb people on the street. Aw, we kid Jay - he's already doing a real solid with his free stand-up show for Michigan's unemployed.

PREVIOUSLY:

Jay Leno Doing A Free Standup Show For The Jobless In Michigan [Update]

Bobby Jindal Takes On Barack Obama... [Update:... And Fails]

Barack Obama: Great With Press Conferences, Bad With Helicopter Doorways

Michelle Obama Saves The Economy With $340 J. Crew Ensemble

Jay Leno Doing A Free Standup Show For The Jobless In Michigan [Update]

Jake Kalish — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:03:00 GMT

Just when we want to make fun of Jay Leno, he goes and does something really kind...

Leno says his pro bono April 7 show at the 24,000 seat Palace in Auburn Hills will be for "anybody out of work in Detroit." And that's a lot of folks - Michigan has a shocking 11.6% unemployment rate, with the Motor City being hit the hardest. People just have to say they're unemployed to get tickets for "Jay's Comedy Stimulus Plan", starting Monday at the Palace box office. And it's not only the tickets that are gratis - refreshments and parking are also free. (Update: due to demand (and a lot of jobless people), Leno has added a second show the following night, April 8th. Which is twice as nice.)

Very cool. And don't think attendees will be getting that watered-down Tonight Show material, either - for all the grumbling about Leno's lame, easy jokes at 11:35, he's widely considered an excellent stand-up.

Dakota Fanning Is 15 Going On Thirteen (From "House")

Olivia Purnell — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Remember the girl from I Am Sam? The wide-eyed snaggle-toothed child with the soul of an ancient voo-doo priestess? Dakota Fanning was so effing creepy as a ten year-old. Young Dakota reminded us of Ellen Dow. And not in a good, "Rapper’s Delight" way.

Things have gotten better for Dakota. She’s grown into a lovely girl. She looks a lot like Olivia Wilde in that picture, right? (Is there a bigger compliment that we can give to a teen actress? We think not.)

Anyway, Dakota is about to be 15, but Jay Leno would like her to know that 40 is coming up fast and her time in the spotlight is soon to expire.

Check out Jay’s charming words after the jump.

Wow, Jay . . . Sometimes keeping it real is just cruel. Ease up on the haterade.

Jay Leno Rejected An Offer To Go On Letterman

Bryan Christian — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:36:00 GMT

Brotha ain't lettin' nothin' make him seem weak on this one, is he? Always be closing, eyes on the prize... No time for weird, wooly, wonderful moments like the 22-year old clip above. Look how much they like each other! What kind of world was that???

Mr. Leno said the Letterman show had indeed invited him to be a guest that night (June 1). “I would leave the show on Friday and do Dave on Monday,” he said, relating a plan undoubtedly hatched at a time when the Letterman show expected Mr. Leno to be leaving NBC (perhaps in an eight-cylinder huff) for ABC.
Not that it was really going to happen. “It would look like an insult to Conan,” Mr. Leno said. “I would never do that.”
An appearance with Mr. Letterman “would be fun to do sometime,” Mr. Leno said.

We totally get Leno's point here, and he's right: it would be kind of weird to do Letterman before doing Conan, and there's no way that Conan would want Leno on his first show. So it's a little impossible. And yet -- we can't believe that Letterman's people did it just to be able to say they did. Letterman doesn't do anything just to say he did. If his show offered Leno a spot, they meant it -- and in offering it, they'd have made the first serious effort to bridge the long-standing divide between these two titans. Ah, well.

[via TVSquad]

When Leno Goes Primetime, Talk Shows Will Outnumber Other NBC Programming By Half-An-Hour

Jake Kalish — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:32:00 GMT

There's been a ton of great writing on this whole "Leno in Primetime Land" thing -- Alan Sepinwall's scathing analysis for the NJ Star-Ledger, Bill Zehme's claustrophobically weird yet undeniably insightful essay on Leno for The Daily Beast -- but the most interesting thing we've read about the effects of Leno's move to 10 p.m. comes from the LA Times' business section, which notes that when this goes down, NBC will have 17 1/2 hours of nightly talkshows a week, as compared to only 17 primetime hours of everything else - reality shows, sitcoms, dramas, Deal or No Deal. As a consequence, the going's gonna be real tough on every talk-show host not named Leno to book guests. Jay, of course, dismisses any potential effect this might have on The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien:

That won't be any problem. I mean, it's less of a problem than if we were on competing networks. . . . I would rather fight with my family than the other networks.

Well, yeah, you say that; you're the guy in primetime.

O'Brien, of course, is still keeping on his happy face, but another question remains: what the hell will everybody talk about for seventeen and a half hours on NBC? The fact that no one watches anything else on the network? Are we not getting into chicken/egg territory here?

Is Conan O'Brien Really "Thrilled" Leno's Moving To 10?

Jake Kalish — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Conan O'Brien says Leno moving to 10 p.m. is "a happy ending." Why do we feel like that's his way of giving the "jerk-off" sign without saying so?

I am absolutely thrilled that Jay is staying at NBC. He has been my lead-in on this program for 16 seasons. He is a fantastic lead-in. He is a huge part of my success. I am indebted to Jay Leno. And I love the idea that that relationship is going to continue. He is going to be my lead-in continuing, I hope, for a long, long time.

Really? I mean, yeah, you have to say that. But really? This is such a weird situation for O'Brien - he's like a minor leaguer, who, after years of busting his ass, finally gets the call up to the big leagues - only to discover there's another, bigger league nobody told him about. Leno made the point that his show, at 11:30, was doing better than a couple of the shows NBC had on at 10, like Lipstick Jungle and My Own Worst Enemy. Which is true. But those shows were cancelled. So that's kind of like saying you're better looking than the guy with face excema and a giant goiter.

Love to know what's really being said behind the scenes here.

NBC Fatcats Restructure TV Divisions To Save Some Loot, Cover Up Massive Mistakes

Jake Kalish — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:27:00 GMT

They're giving Trump 2 hours. They're giving Leno 10 p.m. They laid off 500 people, including half of CNBC, last week. And now, in its latest money-saving move, NBC is merging two TV divisions responsible for programming in a bid to be more "streamlined." Here's what co-chairman and desperate-honcho-trying-to-save-his-own-ass Marc Graboff had to say about the merger:

The move we are making today is in response to not only the current financial environment, but to the inherent structural changes that are going on in the television industry.

For context, the inherent structural changes currently going on at NBC are roughly similar to the inherent structural changes that occur to a building when a wrecking ball hits it. The Peacock is #4 of the four networks, and their ratings have dropped 14% this year. So now they're trying "to eliminate redundancies as far as possible." Good. Let's start by making sure there's only one Peter Petrelli or Hiro Nakamura at a time. Oh, sorry, that's just what happens with time travel? Cool. Can we go back to 1985, when people watched NBC?

How about this: someone explain to us why Ben Silverman and Jeff Zucker are continuing their endless fall upward when their legacies will include such ringing successes as Coupling, Knight Rider, surrendering great swathes of the schedule to Donald Trump and Jay Leno, and losing Katie Couric.

Jay Leno's Gigantic Chin To Appear In Primetime 5 Nights A Week As NBC Gives Up On 10PM

Jake Kalish — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Leno's sticking with the peacock after all. NBC is going to sign Jay to a contract that'll keep him at the network, and give him a show at 10 p.m. 5 nights a week. Late-night talk show that's not late at night? Hmmmm.....

Well, as much as this is about keeping the Chin, it's also about cutting costs - NBC is bleeding money (last week they laid off 500 people - but, thank God, not Bartiromo), and a daily talk show costs a lot less to produce than a scripted series. Just like Donald Trump's 2-hour Apprentice is cheaper to produce than two separate one-hour shows.

Still, if NBC was really confident this late-night talk format would actually work in primetime, they would have done it a long time ago. Or they might have bit when Piers Morgan pitched it a few months back. Still, maybe this isn't the worst gamble, especially given the savings -- God knows why, but Leno's got a viewership almost as big as his chin. Zing! It'll be interesting to see if people watch him an hour and a half earlier than normal.

Michelle Obama Saves The Economy With $340 J.Crew Ensemble

Jake Kalish — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Michelle Obama appeared on The Tonight Show last night wearing a $340 ensemble she bought online from J.Crew. For all you fashionistas out there, that's a pembridge dot camilla skirt ($148) an Italian deco tank ($99.99) and a crystal button color block cardigan ($89.99). Well, nice for her, right? And bad for Sarah Palin.

Not so fast, kids, this story ain't over. Once Mrs. Obama divulged she got the gear from J.Crew, middle-class women across America immediately went all apeshit crazy to look just like her. Views of the skirt went up 464% from the day before, and people trying to buy any of the three pieces faced long delays on the checkout page. The mania spread in-store from online, too: the Rockefeller Center J.Crew had to pull all of the cardigans off the racks to put them on reserve for customers who called for them first thing in the morning.

Ms. Obama refused the temptation to criticize the $150,000 layout by the Republicans for Sarah Palin's ensembles, though, saying " A VP pick, it's like being shot out of a cannon. All of the sudden you're the center of attention, and you want to look good." True. It's just too bad no one in the Republican party vetted block cardigans and deco tanks.

- Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights

TV Tonight: Obama and Biden Might Appear on Leno, Opposite McCain and Palin on Letterman

Ben Kallen — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:20:00 GMT

Tonight at 11:35, the late-night talk show wars could get even more heated than yesterday's presidential debate. That's because the hour's big comic rivals, Jay and Dave, have been suggesting that all four candidates might show up for some jokes and chat.

In this corner: Late Show With David Letterman. We reported earlier that John McCain is slated to show up for a tongue-lashing from Dave after skipping out on his scheduled appearance a while back. But now we're hearing that McCain might bring an apology gift along with him: Lipsticked bulldog Sarah Palin.

Last night, Dave said that McCain had "hinted" he'd be bringing Palin along. Still, he seemed doubtful that it would happen. “I think he was trying to make me feel better. Like, ‘Oh, I know we’ve got the hook in Letterman now.’ But I don’t think she’ll be here. Miss Alaska will probably not be here.”

If she does show up, it'll be a brilliant move by McCain. We all know how much Dave likes a pretty face (not to mention the ratings Palin would be sure to bring), and seeing the two of them flirt and spar would be great television. Plus, they'd all have so much to talk about that there wouldn't be time to dwell on McCain's earlier no-show -- or his lagging campaign, for that matter.

In the other corner: The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Jay mentioned earlier in the week that he'll be having vice-presidential candidate Joe Biden on tonight. (Good counter-programming? Er, possibly -- except, whatever your politics may be, Biden isn't exactly Mr. Excitement.)

But at the same time, Leno said Biden might "bring a friend." And if that friend happens to be Barack Obama, well, then we'll have a contest. The New York Post points out that both Obama and McCain are scheduled to attend a dinner in New York tonight, so Obama's appearance would probably have to be via satellite. But given Jay's lighter-weight interviewing style, that would probably work out just fine.

What are the chances that all four of them will show up? We'll say 50-50 -- and we're setting two DVRs, just in case.

Previously:
Video Fun: Hey, John McCain -- You Won't Like Dave When He's Angry

All of a Sudden, Everyone's Talking About H@ndj*bs

Ben Kallen — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:55:00 GMT

This is a post about sex, and it involves Megan Fox and Kristen Bell. Interested yet? Then let's get started:

First, we need to discuss the greatest interview ever published, which GQ did with Transformers megahottie Megan Fox. (Did you know she also played the daughter on Hope & Faith? Us neither.)

By now, you've probably seen the part where she talks about how she was once in love with a Russian stripper -- but if not, we'll recap. Just for fun.

"That year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided—oh man; sorry, Mommy!—that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! I didn’t want her to be there.”

Why her?

“She smelled like angels.”

Seriously?

“No. Well, she did smell good. Like vanilla. She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads."

But that's not even the part we're talking about. It's this section, where she insists that, despite some nasty rumors, she didn't perform a certain act on fiancé Brian Austin Green in public. (That's right -- Megan Fox is engaged to David Silver. But the unfairness of life isn't the point here.)

It seems like the closest you’ve come to a controversy... are those paparazzi photos of you reaching under the table to grope Brian at a restaurant.

“I don’t understand why they’re so scandalous. When they first came out, it was like, Megan Fox was giving Brian a blow job in pub—I mean, uh—a hand job in public. First: Who gives hand jobs? Who’s given a hand job since seventh grade? Not me. And who does it at a café on a public street? I touch him all the time. It’s just like, if you have a girlfriend, you grab her butt or whatever. That’s all it was, but it became a big deal. I don’t know why. For me, touching Brian’s dick for two seconds—that’s not part of our sex life. That’s me playing around; you know, you just cup it a little. For a few seconds.”

So, now that we've got all that out of the way, you're wondering: What does this have to do with lovely Veronica Mars and Heroes star Kristen Bell?

For that, we'll just have to show you her appearance on The Tonight Show last night, which was going just fine until douchey comedian Dane Cook decided to chime in about how she couldn't perform a similar act because of her Heroes electricity-from-the-fingers power.

Other than that, it's a good interview, so watch the whole thing.

Photo: GQ

Previously:
How Rude! Bob Saget Roast Full of Sex Jokes
Top 10 Returning Shows: Heroes

The Weekly Rewind: The Thrill of Victory, The Agony of TV

Ben Kallen — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 21:20:00 GMT

What a week! That Aquaman guy won a bazillion gold medals, our Russian gymnast from Texas beat their Russian gymnasts from Russia -- while China's 14-year-old 16-year-olds beat everybody -- and our beach volleyball players were surprised to learn that any other countries even have beach volleyball. Still, none of it did a damned thing for world peace... and all we cared about was how it looked on TV.

Now that we have our priorities in order, let's get on with the highlights of the week.

Well, before the week had even started, we lost a couple of greats: comedian Bernie Mac and TV's singing Chef, Isaac Hayes. Sad news, America, indeed.

To cheer ourselves up, we watched the late-night talk shows go sex-crazy. Jay Leno made with the sexy talk to guest Scarlett Johansson, while guest Kate Mara was seduced by Craig Ferguson. But watching David Letterman's cool old morning show was almost enough to make us forget about him smooching with Gillian Anderson. (P.S.: Welcome, Fark readers! Feel free to take a look around.)

We chose ten guest stars for Friday Night Lights, cast the upcoming Hawaii Five-O remake and put a little comic relief into Heroes -- but also learned we were losing the only new 90210 cast member who could keep things in the family.

We learned that America's Next Top Model is getting a girl with something extra, and that Dancing With the Stars might soon have a contestant who can bring his own tights.

We went back to Animal House, and thought Ernest Borgnine would have fit right in. But we also learned stuff about Alanis Morissette and Dave Coulier that we oughtn'ta know.

We found out what would have happened on the canceled Journeyman, and it made us want to time-travel. But we'd still rather watch the Olympics in real time.

And finally, we learned that Bigfoot, Julia Child's spy career, Britney Spears' entertainment career and Donald Trump's heart might be more than just myths.

Previously:
The Weekly Rewind: Is Couch-Surfing a Sport?

Seduction 101: How Craig Ferguson Charms the Ladies

Ben Kallen — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 20:55:00 GMT

Now that David Letterman is content to relive past times with Agent Scully, and Jay Leno settles for the perfunctory ogling of Scarlett Johansson, the real late-night king of starlet seduction is TV's Craig Ferguson. On last night's show, he appeared to just about charm the pants off of lovely young actress Kate Mara, star of the upcoming film Transsiberian. Find out how he does it, and watch the sparks fly, right here.

Craig Ferguson's Rules for Starlet Seduction:

1. Start with a double-cheek kiss. You can get away with it if you seem "European."

2. Get in plenty of "accidental" touching. Craig strokes her hand under the pretext of showing her ring to the audience, something she clearly enjoys.

3. Go easy on the compliments. (Kate: "Don't I have nice hands?" Craig: "Actually, I have nice hands.")

4. Find things you have in common. (Kate describes staying in a neighborhood in Glasgow while making a movie. Craig: "That's where I used to live!")

5. Hint about having a secret, dark background. (Craig: "I was the bartender... I had to throw myself out sometimes.")

6. Say things that may or may not predict naughty times in the future. (Craig: "You have to do something hugely embarrassing... tonight may be your night.")

7. Give her a "neg," i.e., a joking putdown. (Craig: "The Irish are just Scottish people that can't swim.")

8. Let her know you understand her belief system. ("Craig: "Do you believe in ghosts?" Kate: "Yeah, why?")

9. Move on to hard-core flirting. (Craig: "I think my dressing room here is haunted. I'm scared to be in it alone." Kate: "Really? Do you need someone to help you?" Craig: "Maybe just a cuddle.")

10. Let her do the rest. (Craig: "We're done here. We're out of time -- we need to stop this." Kate: "Why? We could keep going... I could help you in your dressing room, get rid of the ghosts." Craig: "Okay, yeah.")

Of course, it also helps if you're famous, and she's plugging a movie, and the whole thing is on TV. Here's how it all actually went down:

Previously:
Dave Letterman and Gillian Anderson Relive Their Makeout Session
Mr. Leno, Please Stop Drooling on Scarlett Johansson
Kristen Davis Talks About the Drunk Old Days

Mr. Leno, Please Stop Drooling on Scarlett Johansson

Ben Kallen — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 21:24:00 GMT

In the Tonight Show interview above, Jay ogles Scarlett's boobs, then he quotes sex articles from Cosmo, then he asks her about her sexual fantasies, and then he talks about his own adventures in public car sex. And now we're never getting to sleep.

Previously:
What the Heck Is Going On With Jay Leno?

Charlie Sheen Makes Way More Money Than You Do

Ben Kallen — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:25:00 GMT

TV Guide has just come out with its annual survey of the top earners on television. And guess what? In case you didn't know it already, you're in the wrong profession.

Charlie Sheen tops the list as the highest-paid actor in a series -- Denise Richards' ex pulls in $825,000 per episode for Two and a Half Men, in which he has an ownership stake. Yes, that's for dick jokes. And fart jokes. And, yes, the kid's funnier.

That's followed by CSI's William Petersen, who makes $600,000 per episode (just when he's planning to leave the show -- guess you can have enough money), 24's Kiefer Sutherland at $500,000 (hey, torture-boy earns it), and Law & Order: SVU's talented Mariska Hargitay at $400,000. And after two decades of service, the voice actors on The Simpsons now make $400,000 per episode each -- so you'd better keep watching the ads if you want Fox to continue making new ones.

At the bottom of the list is Burn Notice's poor Jeffrey Donovan at $55,000 per -- darn cable! Even The Hills' Lauren Conrad makes more than that, $75,000 per episode, for doing whatever the heck it is she does.

But while that all may seem like a lot, it's peacock feed compared to the incomes of multitasking hosts, many of whom produce their own shows. Oprah Winfrey's company reportedly took in $385 million last year -- she could buy her own country if she didn't already run this one. Simon Cowell makes $50 million annually for pushing Coke on American Idol. Meanwhile, David Letterman makes $32 million annually (though a lot of that reportedly is spent on the show), with Jay Leno following closely behind at $27 mil. But wee Craig Ferguson gets by on just $2.5 million annually -- no wonder he keeps recycling the same Michael Caine and Prince Charles impressions over and over.

Oh, and Miley Cyrus took in $25 million for both acting and singing last year. But don't worry, she'll probably manage to earn some real money when she turns 16.

Image: CBS

Previously:
Emmy Nominations -- A Complete-ish List
Billionaire Tycoon Oprah Winfrey Advises College Grads That Money Isn't Everything

Kelsey Grammer Hospitalized Again

Ben Kallen — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:35:00 GMT

Frasier star Kelsey Grammer is back in the hospital, where he's being checked for an irregular heartbeat following his recovery from a heart attack a couple of months ago. According to the medical experts at Entertainment Tonight, the problem may have been caused by the medication he's taking.

In this Tonight Show clip from last week, Grammer suggested that the attack was less "mild" than anybody thought. Then he (jokingly, sort of) blamed it on the cancellation of Back to You.

Previously:
What the Heck Is Going On With Jay Leno?

The Weekly Rewind: Endless Summer

Ben Kallen — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:38:00 GMT

This week here at The Remote Island, we spent most of our time just trying to come up with fun stuff for you to watch. Because it's July, and the networks have pretty much given up for the summer. Sure, there's the last few episodes of Swingtown, which we're kind of hoping goes out with a giant orgy that leaves the characters far more satisfied than the show ever did for viewers. And there are reality competitions in which kids try to sing (or, even more difficult, sing country), or adults try to dance. (Frankly, we'd rather see somebody lose on Jeopardy.)

Meanwhile, summer programming on cable mainly consists of fun reality crapola, such as From G's to Gents, and about a dozen quirky detective shows, like the ones starring the Glamorous Ladies of TNT,

Mostly, though, they're all just trying to hang on till the upcoming fall season. Which we're excited about, too -- which is why we gave you loads of spoilerrific info on Dollhouse, Dexter, Life on Mars, CSI, Friday Night Lights and Robot Chicken: Star Wars.

For lack of anything better to watch, we sent you to the Internet: for Heroes webisodes and X-Files conspiracy sites (not that you need them to understand the critically drubbed movie), to see John McCain fall asleep on Conan's desk, and for the final episode of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, now gone from the free web forever. (But at least Doogie Howser still has a few songs left in him -- somewhere in the neighborhood of Beaker's YouTube channel.) Then we told you why you should get TV Funhouse and Spaced on DVD.

What else? Sadly, we said goodbye to Estelle Getty, Ebert & Roeper, and (possibly) Jay Leno.

And, of course, we dove right into the shallow end of the cultural pool, telling you about sexytime on the sets of Big Brother and Saved By the Bell, and (allegedly) at Matthew Broderick's friend's place. But the fun's over for The Bachelor, though he was the only one surprised about it.

And finally, we learned that watching too much TV makes us all think we're on TV. Which isn't actually true... yet.

What the Heck Is Going On With Jay Leno?

Ben Kallen — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:33:00 GMT

We're pretty confused about the whole situation ourselves. So we'll let other people figure it out for us:

Leno's last day as host of The Tonight Show is next May 29, and Conan O'Brien will take over on June 1.

Jay showed up at a news conference in disguise to ask about his situation, echoing the way Jimmy Kimmel did the same thing. But when Leno did it, he sounded kind of bitter.

NBC is still talking to Jay about staying with the network in some capacity. But Jay says he's "done with NBC."

Leno's fans will follow him when he goes to another network. Or they might not. Then again, there may be nowhere for him to go.

On the other hand, as a retiring Baby Boomer, he should forget TV entirely and go into nursing, consulting or real estate.

Previously:
You Can't Get Rid of Jay Leno That Easily

You Can't Get Rid of Jay Leno That Easily

Ben Kallen — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 17:25:00 GMT

Jay Leno, who's being replaced as host of The Tonight Show by Conan O'Brien next year, is strongly hinting that he plans to stick around TV -- but not on NBC. Quoted in USA Today, the workaholic comedian actually sounded a little testy about the network, despite having agreed that the changeover was a mutual decision when it was announced way back in 2004.

"I am definitely done next year — with NBC," he says, sitting in a huge recliner in his poster-strewn shop office. Would he go to another network? Leno just smiles. "I'm not a beach guy, and the last time I was in my pool was to fix a light. Don't worry, I'll find a job somewhere."

We bet he will -- and it's an open secret that other networks would love to bag the sleepy-time star for their own late-night spots. As we mentioned a couple of days ago, the issue was raised at a press interview with ABC entertainment chief Stephen McPherson, where Jimmy Kimmel pretended to be a reporter and semi-jokingly asked about it, as if his own job were on the line. "There are rumors that ABC is actively courting Jay Leno for 11:30," Kimmel said. "Is there any truth to those rumors?" McPherson declined to answer, but later said, "I can't believe [NBC is] going to let this guy go at the top of his game... If that happens, we'll look at it at the time."

By the way, you can read the rest of that USA Today interview with Leno if you want. . . but it's all about his (yawn) car collection.

Previously:
Late-Night Bites

Late-Night Bites

Ben Kallen — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:25:00 GMT

News from almost bedtime...

Is Jay Leno going to ABC? It was just a joke... or was it?

Does Jimmy Kimmel already have a new girlfriend? This rumor is based on an anonymous tip, and we have no idea if it's true or not. But if it is, this could be the sort of creative pairing that once led to the invention of Stupid Pet Tricks. Update: Probably not true!

Would an Obama presidency be bad for Dave, Jay and Conan? Because he's just not funny.

Previously:
Gentlemen, Sarah Silverman Is Single Again

David Letterman and Will Smith Get Romantic