The Remote Island : Imaginary Fights

Imaginary TV Fights: Duchovny vs. Duchovny

Bryan Christian — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 21:24:00 GMT

Showtime has picked up two more seasons of Dexter, and HBO's looking for one more year of Entourage -- but as yet no word yet about Californication being picked up. Two months ago, we'd have thought that would have something to do with the show having trouble recovering from that happy ending the writers had Hank Moody land himself in at the end of Season One. But today, of course, we know that David Duchovny is, like Hank, something of a dog, and we can't help but wonder if the network or viewers aren't having trouble commiting to the show in reaction.

We also can't help but wonder what Fox "Spooky" Mulder would think about all this. Sure, he had a thing for porn, but unlike Hank Moody, he was straight-laced, honorable, and loyal. Sure, he's also monomaniacal and obsessive, but would he ever treat Dana Scully the way Hank's been treating his Karen and Becca -- or heck, the way Duchovny's been treating his Missus? Seems unlikely. Seems to us like he'd wind up giving both Hank and Dave the old Federal-1-2, if you know what we mean.

And so, this week, in our continuing series of Imaginary Fights based on the recently unearthed writings of Zorastrian cryptopopculuralist Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, we submit for your approval: a brawl between Fox Mulder and Hank Moody... for the very soul (and possibly the crotch) of Mr. David Duchovny!

FOX MULDER	HANK MOODY
Mission: Uncovering the truth behind the lies	Mission: Uncovering the women behind their clothes
Foxy sidekick: FBI Agent Scully/Gillian Anderson	Foxy sidekick: Karen/Natasha McElhone
Function: Dirk Diggler-size star of sci-fi dorks' wildest conspiracy fantasies	Function: Dirk Diggler-size star of David Duchovny's wildest “I'm a horny, brilliant artist” fantasies

THE FIGHT

Mulder is called to investigate a paranormal occurrence; namely, Hank getting really drunk and going down on an alien. Imbued with the magical powers of the Martian clitoris, Hank proves a formidable foe; but when Scully comes in as backup, the pistol-packing ice queen leaves him distracted, engorged, and vulnerable to a sneak attack by Mulder, who delivers the winning blow, and by the alien, who's pissed that he doesn't remember her name.

WINNER: FOX MULDER

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan
Imaginary Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

Imaginary TV Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan

Bryan Christian — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Thursday night, everyone. Time again for another episode of the American version of The Office. They're now on episode 69, which is not only a sexy number but also signifies 55 more episodes than the original UK version ever had. A triumph of American know-how over those wimpy Brits? Oh oh, we just cahn't do any more episodes than 14... waah, waah, tally ho, we want our ba-ba!

We're not so sure. David Brent's problems never got as soapy as Michael Scott's -- paternity, divorce -- and Tim and Dawn's romance had its ups and downs, but never anything as Ross-and-Rachel-y as Jim and Pam. Maybe there's still an honor to having fewer eps?

Well, only one way to figure this one out: a knockdown, dragout fight between the two creepiest and most dangerous guys each show has to offer. And so, we ask our good palJake Kalish, world famous balloon animal husbandrist, noted cryptopopculturalist, and author Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, to weigh in on the question. For the intercontinental honor of their shows, who would win: Dwight Schrute or Gareth Keenan?

GARETH KEENAN	DWIGHT SCHRUTE
Training: Was a lieutenant in the Territorial Army	Training: Purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate
Ally: David Brent, reluctantly	Ally: Michael Scott, reluctantly
Potential Advantage: Due to his military training, he now claims to be able to "kill a man with a single blow."	Potential Advantage: Because he resorbed his twin while still in the womb, he now claims to have "the strength of a grown man and a tiny baby."

THE FIGHT

Dwight brings to the battle his impressive assortment of weaponry, including a crossbow, pepper spray, brass knuckles, a stun gun, Molotov cocktails, and a samurai sword. However, these weapons prove unwieldy, and he asks for a moment to select the weapon that will best kill Gareth. This gives Gareth an opening, and he goes to grab his staplers. Unfortunately, one is suspended in jell-o and the other is glued to his desk. Hand to hand combat it is! Keenan's Territorial Army training gives him the upper hand over the much larger Schrute, but in their struggle, Dwight manages to grab his crossbow and shoot an arrow through Gareth's right pupil, effectively ending the battle, despite Keenan's protestations that he can continue fighting with an arrow in his eye. However, since in both versions of The Office success means spectacular failure, Gareth is declared the winner for being the bigger loser.

WINNER: GARETH KEENAN

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

Imaginary TV Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone

Bryan Christian — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:22:00 GMT

And so Lance Bass survived yet another week on Dancing With The Stars. Now that Brooke Burke's had that mysterious foot injury, we wonder whether he's gonna take it all the way... and how hard he's willing to push himself to get there. Will Cloris Leachman suddenly find her Geritol switched with Mexican speed? Will Susan Lucci find her coveted Emmy laced with LSD? Will we quit thinking about drugs today? More importantly, can anyone stop Lance Bass in his inevitable quest to rule first the Reality Dancing genre, then the world and the stars beyond?

Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, cryptopopculturalist, racounteur, and occasional narcotics mule, thinks he's found the one man capable of defeating Mr. Bass. Someone perfectly in sync, if you will, with him in the arenas of boy band dancing and charismatic TV hosting duties. Today's question: Who would win... Lance Bass... or Joey Fatone?

JOEY FATONE	LANCE BASS
Appearance: Looks like he just exited a pizzeria, entered a boy band	Appearance: Looks like he just exited a boy, entered a boy band
Best Friend: Lance Bass	Best Friend: Joey Fatone
Trademark Fighting Move: Burying you under his pile of money	Trademark Fighting Move: Leaping out of the closet at you when you're not looking

THE FIGHT

Joey “Calzone” Fatone comes into the ring kicking against Lance “Open Mouthed” Bass, but finds his former bandmate using the same fighting technique, kicking in the exact same place at the exact same time. They each step back, punch, twirl, slide, karate chop, clutch at their heart, grab their crotch, and wave their arms above their head. It's as though they know each other's every move! Since it's like fighting the mirror, neither man can gain an upper hand, and after three-and-a-half hours, they are forced to clear out of the stadium... to make way for JT's sold-out concert. Bye bye bye!

WINNER: DRAW!

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."

Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos

Bryan Christian — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:30:00 GMT

We know, we know: it's Thursday again, and we're all bummed that ER is ending right when John Stamos got there! But when you get right down to it, is it really John Stamos? After filling the medical booties of both George Clooney and Goran Visnjic, is he really the lovable galoot we all knew and loved on Full House, or is he just another close cropped, sensitive swarther? We bet Uncle Jesse, with his brawny musician arms and whiplash smile could totally kick ER guy's ass. Hey...

Great idea! So here he is: Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with the latest in our own series of imaginary fights. This week: Stamos vs. Stamos!

JESSE KATSOPOLIS OF FULL HOUSE	TONY GATES OF ER
Occupations: Lead Singer of Jesse and the Rippers / Exterminator / Advertising Executive / Radio Host / Nightclub Owner / Occasional Beach Boy	Occupations: Paramedic/ER Intern/ER Resident
Overshadowed by: Those precious Olsen twins	Overshadowed by: Those precious gunshot victims
Trademark Fighting Move: The cringe-inducing life lesson	Trademark Fighting Move: "Accidental" misdiagnosis

THE FIGHT

Fiery rebel Tony Gates is the favorite against softhearted rebel Uncle Jesse, but upon entering the ring, finds he himself helplessly drawn to Jesse's dynamic Grecian beauty. Jesse gazes back into the deep, masculine pools that are Tony's eyes, and, with a passion that shakes Mount Olympus... the two Stamoses become as one. Unfortunately, Tony is so overcome by eros that he forgets about the scalpel in his hand, and accidentally castrates Jesse.

WINNER: TONY GATES

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

"Heroes": How Not To Put The Nuclear Back In Family

Bryan Christian — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Lots to get through this week -- no, really, like you have no freaking idea -- so let's get straight to Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with his notes...

The episode opens with Soresh talking into his tape recorder about his “rash”, which has resulted in the secretion of some goo. Hey, buddy, I got one of those too, but you don't see me talking about it. Tracy Strauss, we discover, was separated at birth from her two sisters and given powers as the subject of an experiment by Dr. Zimmerman, on orders of the company. I am forced to wonder why all sinister scientists must have German accents. I want just one that sounds like Urkel. Parkman is in Africa, trying on headphones that allow him to see the future. Radio Shack, here I come! Four years into the future, everyone's got abilities, and is flying all over the place. “Abilities are the new weapon of choice,” says Future Peter Petrelli to Present Peter Petrelli. Well, then I'm completely unarmed. Future Pete tells Present Pete “You can't make the same mistakes as me,” and before we can consider whether that's inevitable, Claire shoots Future Pete. She's wearing dark eyeliner, so you can tell she's evil. Unfortunately, she only shot one of the two Peter Petrellis, so she's got more work to do.

Observation: Time travel makes murdering a real pain in the ass.

Meanwhile, Hiro and Ando are bickering, and invisible Malcolm McDowell/Linderman is advising Nathan Petrelli, telling him he'll be President. But where's the old ultraviolence?

Question: Who's more evil, Alex Delarge or Sylar?

Maya sighting! More specifically, her cleavage! Soresh bitches at her because his rash has made him irritable, and then she's out of my life, or at least off my TV screen. No! Well, at least they made the most of her appearance with that shirt. Present Peter is now 4 years in the future, where he encounters Soresh, whose face is hidden in the shadows of some Obi Wan Kenobi cloak. Doc sounds terrible, and we can see his hands are all f'd up. Also in the future, Present Peter encounters Sylar, who's all domestic, making waffles for his little boy.

Question: Whaaaaaaatttt?

Zachary Quinto has been all kinds of jerked around this season – he's a supervillain, then he's a cop, now he's Mr. Mom? Dammit, I took writing classes in college, and from what I remember, there's supposed to be some internal logic to plot and character. Surprising is good, nonsensical not so much. [Ed.: We’ve got a theory that after getting to play young Spock, Quinto had enough mojo to demand more of his character than just scowling. Gotta give those evil eyebrows a rest sometimes!] Plus, what's with killers making kids breakfast this TV season? Last week on Dexter, Dex was making Cody and Astor pancakes. You think Jeffrey Dahmer liked French toast? And what was in his breakfast sausage? Also in the future, Parkman is married to Daphne the speedster (tough break, speedster) and they've got a baby girl. Molly also lives with them… and she's somehow the same goddamn age.

Question: Does Molly have the ability to avoid puberty?

Still in the future, Eyeliner Claire and the guy from The Wire come to Costa Verde to get Present Peter Petrelli, who's with Mr. Mom Sylar. In the ensuing superbattle (annoyingly done in weird hyperspeed, so everything's a blur and you have no idea what's happening) Sylar's little boy dies, and Sylar gets so mad he becomes an atomic bomb and blows up all 200,000 people in Costa Verde. Oh, and back in the present, Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss is depressed enough to jump off a bridge, but Flying Nathan Petrelli swoops in to save her.

Observation: This is an upsetting episode, with an attempted suicide, a child dying, a town exploding, and both Parkman and Soresh dealing with rashes.

Back 4 years in the future, Costa Verde is gone, and President Nathan Petrelli is married to Tracy Strauss. Claire has Present Peter Petrelli lying down and tied, and is slowly, tortuously slicing PPP's chest, Dexter-style. Is this what Paneteirre and Ventimiglia are like behind closed doors? President P gets Claire to let his bro loose, telling her to quit as both her father and the President – woah, we’d forgotten they were all family; so kinky -- and tells Peter “there's a goodness to man.” PPP must not agree, because he starts slicing up Nathan's head. This clearly freaks Present Peter out, because he teleports himself back to the present – possibly leaving Nathan for dead -- and Sylar's cell, where he gets into a dust-up with his newly discovered brother, who tells him “you have the hunger.” Don't go to the dark side, young Anakin. Back to The Future Parkman. Costa Verde just exploded, and Daphne his speedster wife falls into his arms, saying she wasn't fast enough. Then Present Parkman wakes up from his headphone-induced vision, and his African spirit guide quotes Carl Jung.

Now Angela Petrelli is with Hiro and Ando, and sends them on a quest. They dig up the grave of Takeso Kensei/Adam Monroe, open it, and boom! He's back alive and strangling Hiro. Don't nobody stay dead on this show?

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz
"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."

Bryan Christian — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:24:00 GMT

If it weren't for this darn VP debate, we'd probably be enjoying the CSI season premiere tonight. Normally, we couldn't be chuffed, considering that thanks to Spike TV, we are basically ensured of seeing every single episode of the show at some point before we die, so why worry about it now. But from what we can tell, Gary Dourdan has indeed been brought back for at least one more episode, after being unceremoniously let go last year thanks to his epic drug bust -- and frankly, we are fascinated by TV shows killing off maincharacters, so we're dying to know how this one goes down.

But all that will be resolved next week. In the meantime, to hold us and all y'all CSI fans out there over for the next seven days, we are treating everyone to another in our ongoing series of Imaginary Fights, lovingly researched and crafted by Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Our experiment this week: what would happen if the Vegas Crime Lab -- and Miami, and New York -- had to deal with America's favorite serial killer, Dexter Morgan.

DEXTER	EVERYONE FROM C.S.I.
Allies: Hottie half-sister/cop Debra; dead father; severe sociopathy	Allies: 2 billion viewers worldwide in 20 countries; The Who
Necessary Falsehood: Serial killers are neither heroic nor cool	Necessary Falsehood: Forensics experts are neither heroic nor cool
Tools of his trade: Big-ass knife, plastic wrap, duct tape (it really is good for everything!)	Tools of their trade: Evidence baggies, fingerprint kits, quick-release sunglasses

THE FIGHT

After Dexter stabs, drains, and field-dresses yet another evildoer (you can't recycle take out containers!), he stupidly leaves 1/8th of a speck of an angstrom of his DNA behind, and William Petersen immediately identifies him as the killer. But once Dex easily takes down Petersen and the rest of the CSI: Crime Scene Investigation crew, the cast of CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, CSI: WNBA, CSI: NIMBY and CSI: NAMBLA are called in as reinforcements. Dexter slashes through Lieutenant Dan and Morpheus, and starts working through all of the casts, but after knifing his way down to Louise Lombard, Brendan Fehr, and the guy from Veronica's Closet, he has to rest his knifing arm, and is apprehended by the dude from NCIS, which has now merged with CSI and the INS to become CSI: NCIS: INS.

WINNER: EVERYBODY FROM C.S.I.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

"Heroes": Sylar Joins The Super Fuzz

Bryan Christian — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:34:00 GMT

"So I says to the guy, I says "Jesus, buddy, I don't care how you got up there, just get outta my face while I'm trying to destroy the world here." Right? Am I right?

Time for another installment of our Heroes recaps with Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. This week: Sylar flirts with being a good guy, Hiro goes to the movies, and Parkman needs some sunscreen.

I understand that traditionally, second episodes can be a lot of setup and very little payoff, especially in a plot-heavy series with double digit storylines. But, watching this show, it occurred to me that what they really need is a hero with the superpower of television writing, and quickly. Calling David Simon Man!

The confusion begins with Nathan Petrelli, now the junior senator from New York, pacing in his office, meeting Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss who totally doesn't remember having sex with him, even though it's on videotape. So awkward. Oh, wait; that's because she's not Niki Sanders – who, of course, wasn't herself then either, being her amoral alter ego Jessica.

Lesson: No one wants to admit to screwing Nathan Petrelli. Poor Adrian Pasdar. What, too swarthy?

Meanwhile, we learn Nathan's mom Angela gave up Sylar for adoption. Ah, that's what made him an evil murderer. Way to encourage adoptions. The bro Nathan knows about, Peter (well, the present-day version) is stuck in this criminal Jesse's body, and has to go along with the five other “Villains” as they go to rob a bank. A regular old bank heist? For 21st century supervillains? The whole thing seems a little too retro, like any second one of 'em will start screaming “Attica!” Adoptive parent HRG has to go get these villains – but, by orders of Ms. Petrelli, he'll do it with his new partner Sylar, while Claire sits at home with her fiery biological mom. These adoptive/biological storylines feel like a very special episode of Maury - “behind that door is the mother you never knew – and she's got superpowers!” But this is the Season 2 theme: “Save Ourselves, Save The World.” Somehow, by searching within, they'll get the bad guys. It's awful self-helpy, and it brings up a question:

Question: Is the search for self truly a heroic journey? Discuss.

Anyway, this partnership means Sylar is at least a good-ish guy now, which is as disorienting to me as when Macho Man Savage stopped being a heel. The commercial break can't come too soon, and I switch to CNN to see Ben “Bueller” Stein on Larry King, pontificating about the failed bailout and the market's 777-point drop.

Weakness: Technopathist Micah Sanders should have worked his magic on them stock tickers, saved America a trillion dollars.

Back to NBC. Hiro and Ando are still trying to get the formula back from the speedster, but she's already sold it to the Haitian. Boring-ass, sunburned Parkman is in the African desert, doing something called a Spirit Walk – then he sees paintings of his life on some rocks, done by his spirit guide, who's apparently had to spend a good portion of his life looking into Matt Parkman's future. That's a shitty deal for a spirit guide. Regardless, this is a season 1 storyline, but in a different climate, with different materials. Maybe season 3 will have a collage of the future? Some papier mache?

Suddenly, one of the villainous bank robbers realizes evil Jesse isn't really evil Jesse, and I'm amazed someone knows what the hell is going on. But of course, the smart bank robber was played by Jamie Hector from The Wire, and he might not be able to play dumb.

Superpower: The Heroes writers have the ability to confuse everyone – characters, viewers, even themselves

Superpower: ... except for Marlo Stanfield.

But hey, things start to make a hell of a lot more sense when future Peter Petrelli shows up to argue with present Peter Petrelli, and release him from Jesse's body. Lots of acting by Milo Ventimiglia, that scene's definitely going on his demo reel. I'm lost and restless, and have to ask: where the hell is foxy Maya? Generally sensible HRG tries to break up the bank robbery, an uncharacteristically dopey plan, and he's about to get offed when unstable partner Sylar shows and starts wrecking shit. Lethal Weapon with superpowers, anyone? Similarities end when Sylar lets Marlo get away in order to slice open evil Jesse's head. Meanwhile, Claire's biological mom lets her play hooky to try to become a hero, and winds up teaching her daughter a life lesson by making her think she's going to suffocate. “You gotta learn to save yourself before you can save the world.” Got it, Dr. Phil.

Ali Larter/Tracy Strauss is also having some self-help problems, what with having a doppelganger she never knew about. She goes to visit Micah Sanders in New Orleans, and though he immediately realizes the woman who looks exactly like his mother is not his mother (what is it with these people?) he does use his superhacking mind to find out that Tracy Strauss and Niki Sanders were delivered in the same hospital on the same day, by a certain Dr. Zimmerman. Tracy goes to visit the good doctor, and he says he “created” them both. HRG and Sylar get the villains they caught locked back up, and we learn that HRG plans to kill Sylar.

To Be Continued...

-- Jake Kalish

PREVIOUSLY:
"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"

Bryan Christian — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:19:00 GMT

Here's the thing we've noticed about the new 90210 reboot: more people are paying attention to all the press about Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling -- whether they're coming back, if they're staying -- than to what's actually happening on the show. Should it really matter if Luke Perry won't come back when they've got all those other hunks on the new show. Well, maybe it does. Maybe it sounds to us like what people are really saying is they just want to know which series is better. Which one would win in a fight. ASKED AND ANSWERED, PEOPLE!

Behold, the latest in our ongoing series of Imaginary TV Fights, brought to you by famed cryptopopculturalist and occasional Netflix junkie Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights. Today's question: who would win in the Battle of Beverly Hills, Old 90210 or New 90210?

NEW 90210	NEW 90210
Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: Young and beautiful, with nowhere to go but up	Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh: A high school guidance counselor and music director, respectively
Unrealistic aspects of the show: By Season 3, Gabrielle Carteris had teenage grandchildren and Luke Perry was struggling with early onset Alzheimer's	Unrealistic aspects of the show: None, it perfectly reflects the high-school experience. We all looked like models and no one hid bottles of Oxy Cream in their bookbags.
Secret Weapons: Perry and Priestley's mousse guns	Secret Weapons: Other cast members carry around Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup to use as vomit launchers

THE FIGHT

Confused by Shannon Doherty's stinkeye, horrified by Brian Austin-Green's hip-hop album, and starving from their dinner of a vitamin water and an alfafa sprout each, the lightheaded teens from the new 90210 cast are beaten by old copies of Teen Beat, lifted by their surgeon-sculpted nostrils and set afire by their Virginia Slims. They are mercifully put to death by Emporer Aaron Spelling, and Ian Ziering dances on their graves.

WINNER: OLD 90210

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

"Heroes" Season Premiere: We Never Thought We Could Feel So Free

Bryan Christian — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:49:00 GMT

One of the big questions of this year is "Will Heroes get its powers back?" After a lackluster sophomore season, creator Tim Kring has promised to amp up the show considerably this year, introducing way more about the dark side of Peter, Claire, and the rest (and, one presumes, avoiding all time travel to Boringville). Plus NBC pulled out all the stops promoting the new "Villains" storyline, throwing a gala bash and letting them open with a two-hour movie premiere.

But did it work? We've yet again enlisted the aid of imaginary fights expert Jake Kalish to help us figure it out.

As a published author on the much-researched subject of imaginary fights, I hope to offer some much needed expert insight to this third season of Heroes. Periodically, in the course of discussing the program, I will attempt to elucidate some overlooked abilities and weaknesses evident in the program, while eliminating your need to actually watch the show. Save your Tivo, save the world. So here goes:

I turn on my TV at 8:58, to see NBC and the Heroes stars giving an extended countdown to the show's premiere. Anybody want to celebrate themselves?

Weakness: An inflated sense of self-importance. You're a TV show, not a New Year.

The show begins 4 years in the future, with Claire pointing a gun at Peter. Hey! They're a real-life couple. This'll be such an adorable murder! But no – Peter time travels back 4 years, and Future Peter shoots his brother Nathan, as Present Peter runs after Future Peter, and Bill and Ted leave George Carlin in the phone booth to go talk to Bill and Ted. Nathan's dead – but in Heroes, that's no biggie. Surprise! So not dead anymore.

Ability: To make death seem temporary and irrelevant. What'll happen if I stand in front of an oncoming train?

Meanwhile, Hiro has inherited his father's power and fortune, and is acting like a complacent, bored little rich boy. His Daddy left him a tape saying not to open a safe and look inside, or the world will be in danger – but Hiro wants to. When did one of TV's coolest characters turn into a spoiled little baby? Sylar pays Claire a visit in Cali, and the show is genuinely creepy and scary, for maybe the first time since season 1. That's what I'm talking about! Still, I find myself wondering what sort of simian Zachary Quinto most resembles.

Winner: Rhesus monkey.

Maya the foxy murderous Latina has almost totally lost her accent, and now has the vocabulary of a television writer. Her hidden ability is clearly language acquisition. Still, she's so absurdly hot nothing matters, and I lose track of the show's next three minutes. Your loss is my Kleenex's gain. (Ed: Ew.) My refractory period begins with Hiro, of course, taking what he's not supposed to – some sort of secret formula, which is stolen by a Speedster – a speed-of-sound-traveling cute blonde with spiky hair. She's fast? Really? That's what they came up with? Future Peter then morphs into Present Peter (which means losing the big mean scar running down his face) to phase Parkman somewhere far away, which has the much-welcomed effect of taking that dopey schlub out of the show for a good long time.

Weakness: For all their powers, the Heroes villains have no ability to avoid looking like villains.

A not dead Nathan Petrelli is really into Jesus, and, in a church, says “Save ourselves, save the World,” which seems like it'll be the theme for this season. Please see Weakness #1. Thankfully, we go back to Sylar and Claire. After a good ol' horror movie chase, he opens her head, and examines her brain. Then, weirdly, he gets all philosophical, asking “How do we make love stay?” She asks “Are you going to eat it?” This would be excellent bedroom dialogue, were she not talking about her brain. Sylar takes on Claire's healing powers, but doesn't kill her – because, apparently, Claire can never die. She is strangely unpsyched to hear this news. Hiro looks into the future to see what will go wrong. It's bad, but future fucked up Tokyo still looks super cool. Back to Mohinder and foxy Maya. She is still just as Kleenexworthy, but, not being a superhero myself, I have to let the moment pass. Mohinder discovers that Maya's death power is adrenalin based – and concludes that he can just take her adrenalin, and we all can be superheroes. Power junkie Dr. Soresh injects himself with superhero juice, and for no good reason, starts quoting W.B. Yeats' The Second Coming. Things fall apart, indeed. Then Angela Petrelli starts talking to Peter about the Butterfly Effect, and suddenly it's my sophomore year of college. She tells her son we shouldn't mess with time. Good point, but then what the hell was Hiro doing those first two seasons? Back to doped-up Mohinder, who is climbing walls and doing backflips while shirtless – and ripped! Maya happens upon him all Skinemax style. Those are two very good looking brown people. He kisses her, rips off her shirt, takes her down to Doctor Town. Go Soresh!

Ali Larter sighting – she's got a new name, Tracy Strauss, and is working as a governor's aide. A reporter comes by asking questions about her stripper past – and, holy hell, that reporter is William Katt, formerly the Greatest American Hero! The Greatest American Hero should so be on this show. Make him Claire's flying boyfriend's kind-of flying doofus father!

Weakness: Lazy Tim Kring misses a clear opportunity to revive The Greatest American Hero.

Kristen Bell/Elle Bishop then goes after Sylar and subdues him with her lightning fingers, but in so doing, she knocks out the power in the Prilotech holding cell and lets six horrible villains out. Hey! That's who this season will be about! And, apparently, Present Peter Petrelli has been trapped in the body of one of the villains by Future Peter Petrelli. What's with that? Reporter Willam Katt approaches Ali Larter with the Nikki Sanders/Nathan Petrelli sex tape, and she turns The Greatest American Hero to ice. Believe it or not, he's chilling your drink.

Back at Horny 'Hinder's home, our favorite doctor is getting some terrible effects from the superhero juice, with lesions opening and his skin flaking off. Sex, drugs, and disease – Soresh can't just change his blood like Keith Richards? You wanna talk about indestructible... Anyway, then we're back with dumpy, boring Parkman, who's somehow in the African desert. Haven't the Africans suffered enough?

Ability: Parkman makes me angry and then sleepy every time he appears onscreen.

Then HRG has to go stop these villains, and Claire wants to fight with Daddy, but her biological mom, the one with fire hands, shows up to take care of her. To add to the parental confusion, at the close of the episode, Angela Petrelli visits a locked-up Sylar, and says she's his mom! To be Continued.....

WTF?: A Darth and Evil Luke moment?

No, don't end like that, bring back Maya for no reason instead. I'm ready for her now.

-- Jake Kalish

Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

Bryan Christian — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:25:00 GMT

Sure, this weekend's Emmys got us all thinking about nice stuff like the rewards of a job well done, the power of television as a communication medium, and Tina Fey cleaned up real purty. But we know what you were really thinking about. You were wondering whether Jon Hamm couldn't have just tackled Bryan Cranston and taken the Best Actor (Drama) award for himself. You were wondering why Neil Patrick Harris hasn't challenged Jeremy Piven to a duel. You wanted Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter to shove Glenn Close out of the way and decide this like animals. (No, not "cougars"; don't be tacky.)

Well, we were wondering the same things too! Which is why we are now inaugurating a new feature on The Remote Island: Imaginary TV Fights. Fights that we all know could happen -- should happen -- on our televisions, but somehow never will. Maybe we can't get real-life actors to battle it out, but darned if we can't determine which of their characters would reign supreme in a full contact deathmatch. (You can't argue with science!)

Our guide through this Alternate History Channel will be Jake Kalish, raconteur and cryptopopculturalist, whose book Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is helping worldwide to settle the question "Who'd win?" Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Muhammed Ali or Bruce Lee? Voltaire or Voltron? We contacted Kalish in his palatial Aspen estate and asked him to consider the many untapped wells of violence and domination that exist throughout The Vast Wasteland and identify a few of the most intriguing ones. Here is the first: the many sides of William Shatner duking it out in a threeway battle of the stars! (Well, "star," anyway.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (Star Trek)	T.J. HOOKER	DENNY CRANE (Boston Legal)
Trademark Fighting Move: Confusing Klingons with inexplicable line readings	Trademark fighting move: Confusing hardened criminals with inexplicable line readings	Trademark Fighting Move: Slashing prices on flights by over 50%
Mission: To boldly go where no man has gone before (the opposite of Sulu's mission)	Mission: To team with the second host of Dance Fever and young Heather Locklear to rid the streets of worthless scum	Mission: Out-weirding James Spader
Tools of his trade: Phaser, girdle	Tools of his trade: Pistol, girdle	Tools of his trade: Reworked David E. Kelley scripts from his bazillion other law series

THE FIGHT

Kirk -- fighting in Riverside, Iowa, where they believe he will someday actually exist -- has the hometown advantage, but access to 23rd century technology and a crowd of rabid Trekkies don't exactly hurt either. Hooker and Crane enlist Ricardo Montalban to help their cause, but -- unlike Shatner himself -- they are all inevitably phased out.

WINNER: CAPTAIN KIRK

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

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Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner