Rainn Wilson vs. Religious Persecution

Jake Kalish — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Who knew Rainn Wilson was a member of the Baha'i faith? Or that the members of this faith we'd kind of half-heard of and pretended to know about are being persecuted in Iran? And that the guy we know very well as Dwight Schrute would write an essay demanding this religious persecution cease?

Rainn Wilson wrote a Commentary on CNN's website entitled "Stop Religious Persecution In Iran." Hey, that's not funny, Dwight. Wilson realized he's an unlikely source for this sort of call to action, and admitted as much -

I assure you that what I'm writing about is no joking matter or some hoax perpetrated by a paper-sellin', bear-fearin', Battlestar-Galactica obsessed beet farmer...You see there's a 'trial' going on very soon for seven Baha'i national leaders in Iran.

They've been accused of all manner of things including being "spies for Israel," "insulting religious sanctities" and "propaganda against the Islamic Republic."

They've been held for a year in Evin Prison in Tehran without any access to their lawyer (the Nobel Laureate Shirin Ebadi) and with zero evidence of any of these charges.

When a similar thing happened in 1980, the national leadership of the Iranian Baha'i community disappeared. And this was repeated again in 1981.

In fact, since 1979, more than 200 Baha'is have been killed, holy places and cemeteries desecrated, homes burned, civil rights taken away and secret lists compiled of Baha'is (and even Muslims who associate with them) by government agencies.

It's bad right now for all the peace-loving Baha'is in Iran who want only to practice their religion and follow their beliefs. It's especially bad for these seven. Here's a link to their bios. They're teachers, and engineers, and optometrists and social workers just like us...

There is a resolution on the situation of the Baha'is in Iran being sent to Congress. Please ask your representatives to support it. And ask them to speak out about this terrible situation.

Thanks for reading. Now back to bears, paper and beets!

Imaginary TV Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan

Bryan Christian — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Thursday night, everyone. Time again for another episode of the American version of The Office. They're now on episode 69, which is not only a sexy number but also signifies 55 more episodes than the original UK version ever had. A triumph of American know-how over those wimpy Brits? Oh oh, we just cahn't do any more episodes than 14... waah, waah, tally ho, we want our ba-ba!

We're not so sure. David Brent's problems never got as soapy as Michael Scott's -- paternity, divorce -- and Tim and Dawn's romance had its ups and downs, but never anything as Ross-and-Rachel-y as Jim and Pam. Maybe there's still an honor to having fewer eps?

Well, only one way to figure this one out: a knockdown, dragout fight between the two creepiest and most dangerous guys each show has to offer. And so, we ask our good palJake Kalish, world famous balloon animal husbandrist, noted cryptopopculturalist, and author Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, to weigh in on the question. For the intercontinental honor of their shows, who would win: Dwight Schrute or Gareth Keenan?

GARETH KEENAN	DWIGHT SCHRUTE
Training: Was a lieutenant in the Territorial Army	Training: Purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate
Ally: David Brent, reluctantly	Ally: Michael Scott, reluctantly
Potential Advantage: Due to his military training, he now claims to be able to "kill a man with a single blow."	Potential Advantage: Because he resorbed his twin while still in the womb, he now claims to have "the strength of a grown man and a tiny baby."

THE FIGHT

Dwight brings to the battle his impressive assortment of weaponry, including a crossbow, pepper spray, brass knuckles, a stun gun, Molotov cocktails, and a samurai sword. However, these weapons prove unwieldy, and he asks for a moment to select the weapon that will best kill Gareth. This gives Gareth an opening, and he goes to grab his staplers. Unfortunately, one is suspended in jell-o and the other is glued to his desk. Hand to hand combat it is! Keenan's Territorial Army training gives him the upper hand over the much larger Schrute, but in their struggle, Dwight manages to grab his crossbow and shoot an arrow through Gareth's right pupil, effectively ending the battle, despite Keenan's protestations that he can continue fighting with an arrow in his eye. However, since in both versions of The Office success means spectacular failure, Gareth is declared the winner for being the bigger loser.

WINNER: GARETH KEENAN

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press

PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

The Remote Island : Dwight Schrute

Rainn Wilson vs. Religious Persecution

Imaginary TV Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan