The Remote Island : American Idol

Matt Giraud: Better After "Idol"?

Lindy Parker — Fri, 15 May 2009 20:34:00 GMT

Is it us or has Matt Giraud gotten like a hundred times better since he got voted off American Idol? Here's some examples...

Matt on Ellen...

RIght? He's more confident and suave, and his voice sounds amazing. We don't remember him sounding quite that good when he performed "Let's Get It On" on American Idol.

Matt on Regis and Kelly...

Except for Regis forgetting his mic was still on and talking over the first part of Matt's song, that version of "So Small" was also significantly more relaxed and smooth than his original Idol performance. In fact, the only post-Idol appearance in which Matt seemed less than comfortable was the Tonight Show...

Previously:

American Idol: The Piano Man
American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me

"American Idol": What Hurts The Most Is Being So Close

Lindy Parker — Thu, 14 May 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Dear Danny Gokey,

It's true, we do wish you were in the finale, but we're not going to lie -- if you were in said finale we'd be puling for your ultimate defeat. So, in the end, it doesn't make a lot of difference to us whether you leave this week or next week...

Here's our issue with you: we love your voice, truly we do, but the thing is, we hate these lounge-y, jazzy arrangements you insist on doing. Why, Danny? We feel like a miminalist approach to your performances could really do wonders for our relationship...

And again...

See what we mean? Less is more, D.Goke -- a philosophy you might want to apply to your wardrobe as well. We're just saying.

All the best,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Song

American Idol: Adam Lambert Gets Bumrushed By Shirtless Girl [VIDEO]

WTF, EW?

American Idol: Break Another Little Piece of My Heart

American Idol: Rock Your Body

American Idol: The Piano Man

American Idol: Rat Pack Brats

"American Idol": You Can Tell Everybody This is Your Song

Lindy Parker — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:00:00 GMT

We've got to say, for hometown week, we saw relatively little of the actual hometowns. In fact, we saw more of the past contestant's hometowns during last week's preparatory montage. Guess that fourth judge time crunch is really putting the pressure on the Fox producers to get off the air on time. Ryan's promising more extensive hometown coverage tomorrow, but by now we're starting to feel weird for making such a big deal of this so we're just going to let it go.

This week each contestant will sing two songs: one chosen by the judges, one chosen by themselves. To us, this means one thing: Twice the Adam...

Judges' choice...

Danny Gokey -- Seriously. What is Paula thinking? Not only does "Dance Little Sister" fully lend itself to the kind of cheesy, Vegas, lounge performance, which Danny seems to love, but which make us want to die, it's also not the type of song that the average viewer is likely to love. Also, Danny's performance was cringeworthy at best. Randy disagrees -- he thinks Danny was jumping off. Kara claims to be uncomfortable with Danny's gyrating, but we think she's just more covert about her crush on Danny than Paula is. Paula tries to interrupt Kara, Simon tries to strangle Paula -- we leave the room in a fit of annoyance.

Kris Allen -- Kris couldn't seem less psyched to receive the news that Randy and Kara have picked "Apologize" by One Republic, but as he only has one facial expression it's hard to say for sure. On the upside, "Apologize" is nowhere near as painful as Danny's "Dance Little Sister," but then, there's still another song to go and it's early days. Simon takes a shot at Kara for failing Kris on the arrangement, Kara loses her mind. The whole thing's awkward and Ryan tries to sift through the wreckage, searching for meaning.

Adam Lambert -- First of all, Adam looks HOT in that shirt (what is it, denim?). Predictably, Adam blows the judges minds with his version of "One" by U2. Simon's drowning in his own smugness. Weirdly, Kara's taunting Simon for his earlier pot shot, but only serves to make herself look both ridiculous and crazy. Paula declares Adam the American Idol, which we're sure makes Kris and Danny feel great about themselves. As for us, we're counting the seconds until Adam's next song.

Also, since this is likely to be our last Idol post to the Remote Island, we hope you'll allow us a moment to gloat: We totally called this from day one.

On to the contestant's choice...

Danny Gokey -- From the very first moment that Danny announces his song choice ("You are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker), we start to feel a bit ill. Undeniably, Danny can sing. But if we're being honest, we haven't really enjoyed a Danny song since "Kiss From a Rose on the Grave" in Hollywood week. Randy can bluster all he wants about "Mad vocals! Mad vocals! Mad vocals!" but we are definitely over it. That said, we'd definitely rather see him in the finale over Kris. Sidenote: why does Danny have a pseudo-Southern accent if he's from Milwaukee?

Kris Allen -- Kris takes a gamble with an unorthodox version of Kanye West's "Heartless." Weirdly, we're kind of into it at first. We know, it's shocking given our dislike for both Kris and Kanye West, but we can't help it -- it's SO wrong, it's almost right. Tragically, our positive feelings only last for about ten seconds, and we're back to questionable. Randy likes Kris more than Kanye. We don't know what to say about that. Kara's effusive, over the top praise seems to be annoying Paula's who's used to being Gushy McGusherton all by herself.

Adam Lambert -- We are totally beside ourselves. We love both Adam and Aerosmith. We feel like we should leave it there or risk sounding as gushy as Kara. The judges are at once hypnotized by Adam's charisma and terrified that America will assume he's a shoo-in and neglect to vote for him. Simon ends the night with a plea to the voters on Adam's behalf.

Verdict: We're actively mourning the Allison/Adam finale that never was.

Previously:

American Idol: Adam Lambert Gets Bumrushed By Shirtless Girl [VIDEO]

WTF, EW?

American Idol: Break Another Little Piece of My Heart

American Idol: Rock Your Body

American Idol: The Piano Man

American Idol: Rat Pack Brats

ABC And "The Naked Chef": Making The World A Healthier Place

Lindy Parker — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:00:00 GMT

We never really thought the day would come when we'd hear ourselves say, "We can't wait for Jamie Oliver's reality show," but it just goes to show you, never say never. Because friends, that day is today...

ABC is teaming with British chef Jamie Oliver and Ryan Seacrest for a new unscripted series that gives healthy makeovers to an entire city. Oliver will travel to the unhealthiest places in America and find ways to use nearby resources to improve local eating habits. The network has ordered six hours of the project from Ryan Seacrest Productions. (The Live Feed)

Seriously, we couldn't be more excited about this -- it's exactly like Honey, We're Killing The Kids, except less creepy, and with a way bigger budget. Just one thing though, when did Ryan Seacrest get all health conscious?

"I couldn't do what I do in terms of my schedule if I didn't eat right and exercise right," Seacrest said. "As a kid I was chubby, and I'm a firm believer that the fuel we put into our body results in a healthy lifestyle. Jamie's going to come over here, roll up his sleeves and use the resources of each town to help condition living habits to make it a better and healthier place." (The Live Feed)

There you have it: Ryan Seacrest, former fat kid with a dream. Despite the Seacrest involvement (which could really go either way), this show sounds AWESOME. We'll totally be watching.

Previously:

"Naked Chef" Saddles Newborn Daughter With Flowery Baby Name

The Naked Chef: Jamie Oliver = Chicken Choker

Today in TV Twits: Ryan Seacrest One Ups Zachary Quinto

"American Idol": Adam Lambert Gets Bumrushed By Shirtless Girl [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Mon, 11 May 2009 13:25:00 GMT

After singing "Mad World" at his San Diego high school. Weirdly, the whole experience made him giggle a lot into the microphone...

PREVIOUSLY:

WTF, EW?

Get Your Adam Lambert "Ring Of Fire" Ken Doll

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert Way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent [VIDEO]

WTF, EW?

Jake Kalish — Fri, 08 May 2009 13:35:00 GMT

What is up with this new Entertainment Weekly cover? No, the problem isn't that Adam Lambert's on it alone - Idol is the biggest show in America, and Adam Lambert might be its best contestant ever. And it isn't even those ridiculous pink stars. No, it's that damn asterisk...

*And Not Just Because He Might Be Gay

WTF IS THAT? Lambert isn't discussing his sexuality, so what's the deal? Yes, he sure seems gay. And he's not denying. And there are those pictures. But are you really going to use a non-development with this guy's non-disclosure of his homosexuality to try to sell magazines, national entertainment magazine? Do you have new information? Have you been sleeping with Adam Lambert, Mark Harris of Entertainment Weekly? And does anyone who's watched American Idol this year not know that Adam Lambert might be gay?

Also, how does being gay make Adam Lambert more exciting? The world abounds with boring gay people. Adam Lambert is exciting because he's a kick-ass performer. Yes, some of that is flamboyance, which stands out on Idol. But in the world of pop music, is flamboyance really that shocking? Or are you excited because you think Adam Lambert is some sort of pioneer, American Idol's homosexual Jackie Robinson? We've got news for you, Entertainment Weekly - he ain't the first. No, we don't get this at all, and neither does Bob Payne of the Seattle Times:

Come on people. What century is this?

1. Plenty of gay and bisexual singers and other performers have done just fine commercially, so don't worry about Adam's chances of attracting an audience if he does say he's gay. Examples: Michael Stipe of R.E.M., Freddie Mercury of Queen (though both never really talked about their sexuality) and Ellen Degeneres.
2. Lots of people are making a big deal about the chance that Idol could end up with a gay winner, saying that that is somehow noteworthy. But how is that noteworthy? Is it because you think American voters are not accepting enough of homosexuality to support such a singer? Is that really the case anymore?
3. When you find an entertainer who fulfills some kind of need for you, be it visceral, cerebral or whatever, would the single element of the nature of that person's sexuality somehow deaden the entertainment you receive from the person if that sexuality is not the same as you?

Don't put big pink stars around the guy and make him the Big Pink Star. He'll do just fine without that.

PREVIOUSLY:

Get Your Adam Lambert "Ring Of Fire" Ken Doll [PHOTO]

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert Way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent [VIDEO]

Clay Aiken, We're Absolutely Shocked!

Can Clay Aiken Get Gayer?

"American Idol": Rock Your Body [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Wed, 06 May 2009 15:00:00 GMT

Four words: Slash is the mentor...

Slash seems weirdly excited to be here. We had him pegged as more of a casual disdain kind of mentor, more like Brian May from Queen.

Adam Lambert: Adam's eyeliner is out of control, so already he's got a leg up on the other contestants. Truthfully, we're a tad concerned for a second wondering if the tweens in the audience going to be on board with Zepplin? Then again, Adam's wearing leather, and a gaggle of girls in the mosh pit seem near tears, so perhaps our fears are unfounded. All four judges love Adam. Kara thinks he's more than a rockstar. More than a rockstar to her.

Allison Iraheta: Thank God, Adam took pity on her and shared his hairstylist because Allison's coif looks amazing tonight. Wish we could say the same for the outfit which appears to be a size too small, and also possibly made of polyester. That said, she couldn't have picked a song we love more than Janis Joplin's "Crybaby" and we think she did it justice.

Danny Gokey and Kris Allen: First of all, we can't think of a weirder, less relevant song for these two to sing together than "Renegade." Kara's with us on this. Second, sucks to be Kris getting out sung by Danny at every turn. We're wondering if they got to choose their duet partner -- although truthfully, we can't think of any scenario in which Kris would've come out on top.

Kris Allen: Even Slash thinks Kris is boring as sin. We're feeling pretty strongly that this is his last week. Spelling his name with a K really seals the deal for us.

Danny Gokey: When Ryan announced Danny was going to sing "Dream On" we immediately got very concerned. Turns out Danny's performance is only slightly better than the disaster that was Michael John's version of this song last season. At least, you can kind of still tell Danny has a good voice underneath all that ridiculous rock posturing. Nightmare.

Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert: Based on tonight's duets, we think it's pretty clear who should be in the final two. We were sort of mesmerized by Allison and Adam on stage together. We're letting the rent money ride on Simon saying exactly that. Tragically, the dvr cut off before Simon's comment, but not before capturing the audience breaking into a raucus chant of "Top two! Top two!" Get it, guys...

Previously:

American Idol: The Piano Man
American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: More Than a Woman
Aw, KC and Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On American Idol
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me

"American Idol": All Four Judges Will Return For Season 9 [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Tue, 05 May 2009 21:00:00 GMT

There's been much ado over Simon Cowell's oft-dropped hints that his role as an American Idol judge is not long for this world. However, on Today's Ellen he's singing a slightly different tune...

We have to say, we're relieved by Simon's assurance that they'll all be back next season. Can you imagine the inevitable awkwardness of Randy and Kara trying to go it alone and carry on witty banter with Ryan? It might even be more awkard than Ellen and Simon Cowell arguing over who has more money. Thank God they saved the interview with some good old fashioned "we both like girls" bonding.

Previously:

Is Simon Cowell Leaving American Idol? Our Top Three Choices For His Replacement
American Idol: The Piano Man
American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: More Than a Woman
Aw, KC and Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On American Idol
American Idol: Disco Double Down

"Hannah Montana" Hooks Up With David Archuleta [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Just when thought all was well -- Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas are finally over, Miley's safely in the arms of an abstinent, Jesus-loving, underwear model and we thought it was safe to go out in the world again -- we turn around and find Miley cozying up to an American Idol reject, which leaves us to ponder one question: is there's anything less sexy than a David Archuleta hookup?

In the upcoming episode “Promma Mia,” Miley inadvertently agrees to go to prom with Aaron (Nate Hartley), the school nerd. When the chance comes up to record a duet with David Archuleta, Miley uses it as an excuse to flake on her date. However, guilt takes over and Miley does the right thing after realizing the importance of keeping a promise. (Just Jared)

That's right, kids. You should always keep a promise. Also, never smoke the reefer or forget to wash your hands after you use the bathroom.

Previously:

Our Trip To The Hannah Montana Movie

Miley Cyrus is Really Into Her Virginity

Tyra Banks in the Hannah Montana Movie [VIDEO]

How Old is Too Old For Hannah Montana?

Miley Cyrus Thinks Disney's Alice In Wonderland Is "Perverted" And "All About Ecstasy"

"American Idol": Miley Cyrus And Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight

Simon Cowell Polished Jack's Axe

Jake Kalish — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:35:00 GMT

And that's not a euphemism...

Apparently, one of Simon Cowell's first gigs in show biz, when he was still a teenager, was as a runner on The Shining - where his job was to polish that famous axe from the "Here's Johnny" scene. This from Simon's half-brother Tony Cowell, on an interview with BBC 3:

"Simon got his first taste of the entertainment business at Elstree Studios. It was only a stone's throw away from where we grew up.

"He did plenty of menial jobs in those days and he even worked as a runner on 'The Shining.'

"I well remember him saying he used to clean Jack Nicholson's axe in between takes for the most famous scenes.

"He took great pride in it, you could see your face in it, it was so shiny."

And you know Simon liked seeing his face in it.

PREVIOUSLY:

"American Idol": The Piano Man

"American Idol": Rat Pack Brats

Is Simon Leaving "American Idol"? Our Top Three Choices For His Replacement

"American Idol": The Piano Man

Lindy Parker — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:35:00 GMT

Dear Matt Giraud,

OMG, we nearly had a heart attack. When it got down to you and Adam in the bottom two, we seriously had a moment of panic unparalleled in our previous Idol watching. Adam was this close to going home! Not that we don't love you Matt, but we sort of feel like since you were already voted off once, every week you lasted after the judges saved you is just a bonus anyway...

Seriously, even the judges breathed a collective sigh of relief when Seacrest said your name. At least, that's how it appeared -- which raises an interesting question: Do the judges know who's getting eliminated before the show airs? If not, who does know? Presumably, the producers must know since they plan out those ridiculous segments in which Ryan divides the remaining contestants into groups, and then forces them to guess which group is at the bottom. And anyway, it's not like Ryan's got the results in a sealed envelope like at the Oscars.

You know what would better? If the live results show happened immediately following the performances, and they included a fluctuating bar graph that showed the progress of each contestant's votes in real time. That way, if you could see that say, Adam's votes were low, there would be a huge voting frenzy, the contestants would be clutching each other in suspense, and Seacrest would be trying to make awkward "how do you feel right now?" small talk until the results were in. We're just saying, think about it producers.

To Matt Giraud, we wish you well. And, for what it's worth, you might want to think about making "Staying Alive" your first single.

xoxo,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: Rat Pack Brats
American Idol: More Than a Woman
Aw, KC and Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On American Idol
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me

Is Fox Right To Preempt Obama?

Jake Kalish — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:30:00 GMT

We don't think so. But a new editorial makes a compelling argument...

This from Richard Huff of the New York Daily News:

Fox is going to get skinned in some parts, no doubt, for not carrying President Obama's 100-day press conference Wednesday night.

That's just wrong.

The network should be praised for not giving up a third night of lucrative prime-time television for yet another presidential press conference.

Enough already.

Yes, he's the President and he's talking about issues that directly affect all of our lives. And yes, we want to know about those issues and are happy he keeps us updated.

But in the absence of some striking new development, or something he hasn't addressed before, every network doesn't have to drop everything because he's clearing his throat.

Oof. Rough. But fair? We think Fox is making the wrong call here - the Obama Presidency is historic, and the 100-day mark is historically an important date in incipient Presidencies. It is a day of note, and these press conferences serve the administration's laudable goal of more transparency and dialogue. Also, we suspect Fox's decision has a lot to do with Rupert Murdoch's politics. But...

It's not like Obama's 100th day wasn't going to be covered like hell all over the news networks anyway. CNN is planning a giant election-type special. So even sans press conference, Barack Obama's Presidential accomplishments are today's topic. Recounting these accomplishments himself is a move that could make President Obama seem way too much like Rickey Henderson. But there is a press conference, and over 80% of the country has cable. In addition, 3 of the 4 networks are carrying the press conference. So anyone who wants Obama can get Obama. That's not really the point - the point, still, is priorities. But it is the truth. Back to Richard Huff:

So Wednesday night, Fox will stick with "Lie to Me" and "American Idol," while others go with Obama.

The risk in having a TV-friendly President is that by being on so often, viewers will ultimately become desensitized to seeing him, and perhaps miss the importance of what he might say.

The last thing anyone needs is someone to say, "Oh, honey, it's Wednesday at 8, the President's new series is on again - everywhere. Tonight, let's see what's on ESPN."

On the bright side, we're beginning to see how comedians will be able to make fun of Barack Obama.

What do you think? Did Fox make the right call?

PREVIOUSLY:

"American Idol" Beats Barack Obama

Okay, Now President Obama Is Just Messing With Television Executives

Obama On TV: Bad Strategy? [VIDEO]

"American Idol": Rat Pack Brats

Lindy Parker — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

We feel like the American Idol producers are resting a little easier now that there's only five contestants left standing, and they don't have to worry as much about going over time. Perhaps that's why Seacrest looked a little more relaxed on stage last night, or maybe he just loves him some Rat Pack standards...

Kris Allen -- So, it's no secret that we don't enjoy Kris, we've said this many times. But, the thing is, the more we stubbornly cling to that hatred, the more we're starting to feel crazy, because we can't actually find fault with anything he does. Mentor Jamie Foxx is loving Kris. Three out of four judges think he's the bee's knees, only Simon -- our soul twin -- is with us on this.

Allison Iraheta -- Allison's hair is back to fierce tonight. Weirdly, Randy compares her look to Brittany Murphy's, which confuses us. Also, we strongly suspect Allison has been getting some media training backstage because her sentences are making sense these days, and we haven't heard an inappropriately timed maniacal laugh from her in many moons. The bad news about Allison's performance was that it felt slightly overdone -- too many runs etc -- but the good news is it was overdone in that way Christina Aguilera sometimes overdoes things, and you know we love us some Xtina.

Matt Giraud -- The pressure is on with Matt Giraud tonight since this genre of music is totally in his wheelhouse. Jamie talks him into changing the key at the eleventh hour, and at first, we are fully convinced that Jamie Foxx is out to sabotage Matt before our very eyes. Then Matt hits the big note at the end and we feel better about the whole thing. Randy wasn't feeling it. Kara offends Matt by claiming he wasn't emotionally connected to the song. Then, out of nowhere, Simon hits him with a comparison to Nat King Cole -- his most unadulterated praise of the night -- and Matt looks relieved.

Danny Gokey -- We're just going to say it: We're kind of over Danny. We are. His voice is great, but he insists on giving us these old-fashioned, lounge-y performances and that's not really our thing. We're starting to think maybe it's just a preference problem on our part. That said, we actually think this genre of music does suit his voice, and maybe he could have a Michael Bublé-esque album -- we just wouldn't be buying it.

Adam Lambert -- Tonight, for the first time ever, we're starting to feel like Adam's presence in this competition might be more than a little unfair. His performances have a level of professionalism that we're not sure we've ever seen in eight seasons of watching this show. Is there any chance that he will lose this thing? Because if so, we're going to re-evaluate our whole existence.

What we wish would happen: Goodbye Kris Allen!

What we think will actually happen: Goodbye Allison Iraheta!

Previously:

American Idol: More Than a Woman
Aw, KC and Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On American Idol
American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge

"American Idol" Beats Barack Obama

Jake Kalish — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:35:00 GMT

Wow. We joked about the networks being pissed at Obama for scheduling his 100-day press conference during May Sweeps, but we didn't expect this...

Fox will not air Wednesday's press conference. Here's the explanation:

Fox has decided not to broadcast President Obama's 100th-day press conference Wednesday night, opting instead to let sister cable networks Fox News Channel and Fox Business Network air the address in its entirety.

The address, scheduled for 8 p.m. (ET), could have possibly affected the "American Idol" results show, which begins at 9 p.m., and the network did not want to risk that during the critical sweeps period for ratings, according to sources. Fox has historically not registered high ratings for presidential addresses and decided, given the nature of this particular press conference, not to show it, sources said. Fox aired Obama's two previous primetime addresses.

Key words: "the nature of this particular press conference." As in: Barack Obama making note of his Presidential accomplishments. Think this could maybe have a little something to do with Rupert Murdoch's politics? Wouldn't want the President's press conference to preempt a new Lie To Me, or even possibly a single second of the Idol results show. Priorities, people.

PREVIOUSLY:

Okay, Now President Obama Is Just Messing With Television Executives

Details On Kal Penn's White House Gig

Today In WTF: Turkish TV News Anchor Dons Blackface To Report On President Obama [VIDEO]

Get Your Adam Lambert "Ring Of Fire" Ken Doll [PHOTO]

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert Way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent [VIDEO]

Aw, KC And Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On "American Idol"

Aw, KC and Freda Payne Weren't That Bad On "American Idol"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:29:00 GMT

Above is a photograph of Harry Wayne Casey, aka KC from KC And The Sunshine Band, during his '70's heyday. If you watched his performance of "Get Down Tonight" on Wednesday night's American Idol, you know this is not what KC looks like anymore. He is overweight, balding, 58 years old. He shouldn't be wearing tight shiny shirts these days. He doesn't sing or move like he used to, and neither does Freda Payne, who sang "Band Of Gold" on Wednesday's show.

None of that, however, excuses the utter viciousness of Baltimore Sun critic David Zurawik...

Why shouldn't ratings be down with telecast like the one we saw Wednesday? Out of respect to the 1970s and the classic song, Band of Gold, I am not going to characterize Freda Payne's performance, but I literally had to leave the room I was so embarrassed for her. But it was only prelude to Harry Wayne Casey, aka KC of KC and the Sunshine Band, stumbling through Get Down Tonight.

"Do a little dance," as the lyrics say, was more than Casey could manage. He looked like a guy dressing up on Halloween and thinking he looked like Tony Soprano. He moved like someone who had both knees broken by Tony's boys.

I know it was disco night, but couldn't the producers have gotten two performers from the era who were still breathing rather than him and Payne? And I am not even going to discuss Thelma Houston begging Simon to satisfy "that desire within" her as she "sang" her number.

Seriously, there is a fine line between us finding genuine joy in seeing new talent rewarded, and feeling like the TV hucksters are exploiting us with such cheap, third-rate talent as Payne and Casey so they can up the already huge margin of profit they make on the show.

Too much, by far. These are the people who sang disco, making them appropriate performers on "Disco Night." They are not "third rate talent," they are old. That's all. Their oldness may be jarring on a youth-driven show like Idol, but it doesn't excuse tearing them apart. Still, Zurawik wasn't the only critic ripping into their performances.

Leave KC and Freda alone.

PREVIOUSLY:

"American Idol": More Than A Woman

"American Idol": Disco Double Down

This Week On "American Idol": Paula Choreographs, Disco Makes A Comeback

"American Idol": More Than a Woman

Lindy Parker — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Dear Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds,

No one could say you didn't give it your best effort, although if we're being honest, we'd kind of had enough of you. Especially, you Lil -- toward the end there, your name was the only thing about you we were finding cute anymore. But we suppose we can be grateful to you for bringing us some of the craziest outfits in the history of our American Idol viewership...

Easily the most nonsensical outfit you wore during your Idol run. Be confident in the knowledge that we will never ever be able to get the fit of those white pants out of our head.

Girl, please. What's happening here? Even Whitney never wore turquoise rayon. You look like a mother-of-the-bride.

It goes without saying that folded napkin chic is always a risky choice, but on the up side, the shoes kind of save it. Mostly we just can't understand why the glam squad always wanted you in high-school-prom-meets-business-cocktail.

In the end Lil, you were largely a disappointment to us, but on the plus side, you seem like a lovely person and we wish you well. Anoop, bless your heart for hanging in there even though you never established a consistent voter base, and your whole Idol experience was a bit like sitting in a carnival dunk tank. Props to you for keeping it endearing. Also, both you and Lil can feel good about the fact that at no point during your time on Idol were you ever as awkward as David Archuleta was last night.

Peace,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: Disco Double Down
American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

"American Idol": Disco Double Down

Lindy Parker — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Let us just start off by saying that disco night wasn't nearly as bad as we feared. But, our anxiety level was still off the charts -- the number of remaining contestants is dwindling, and it's getting to the point where we start getting tense fifteen minutes before the show actually airs. Let's get right to it...

Lil Rounds -- Poor Lil just can't get a positive critique to save her life. The pity bones Paula's always throwing totally don't count. Three out of four judges agree this is Lil's last week. We're mostly just glad to see a different wig tonight -- those pageboys she's been rocking for the last few weeks had become tiresome.

Kris Allen -- Here's the conversation we had with our friend Ben during Kris's performance:

Us: We totally hate this guy.
Ben: He is not rocking the white v-neck T nearly as hard as Vin Diesel does.

Us: Right! He's sort of like John Mayer, but more lame.

Ben: I kind of like that guy who's playing the block of wood.
Us: That's not a good sign.

On the plus side, Paula gave one of the more coherent critiques we've ever heard from her: "Kris, there are a lot of women shopping in the men's department, but not a lot of men shopping in the women's. But you did it, and it paid off." Simon thought she was nuts, but we totally got it -- and she's right, we don't hear a lot of male contestants singing songs by female vocalists unless they have to (i.e. Mariah Carey week).

Danny Gokey -- Why, Danny? Why are you always doing these Vegas-y arrangements? At least during disco week it kind of makes sense, but still. That said, we loved the moment when he broke it down with the background singers. Get it, Danny. We were feeling it by the end. Paula ended things with a flirty comment that made the moment a tad uncomfortable, made more so by the fact that the Idol folks followed the comment with a close-up on his mom.

Allison Iraheta -- We're starting to feel weird about her Captain Eo outfits. We love, love, love this girl's voice, but we feel like the crazy, bedazzled wardrobe and flames in the backround are detracting a bit from how great she is.

Adam Lambert -- Truly, we might have swooned when we saw Adam in his suit. Can we just call this rodeo right now and declare Adam king of the world? During his version of "If I Can't Have You" we finally understood why people throw their underwear onstage during concerts.

Us: He's so amazing!
Ben: He's melting my heart.

Paula's tearing up. Simon thinks the vocals were immaculate. Seacrest is marvelling at Adam's ability to turn Paula into a pool of Abdul. Ryan is like the Bob Costas of reality television.

Matt Giraud -- Okay, he was channeling Justin Timberlake, but you won't hear us saying that's a bad thing. Also, "Staying Alive" is a) an incredibly difficult song to pull off and b) equally difficult keep from sounding dated. Matt did both of those things. We were loving him tonight. We could even imagine it on the radio. The judges totally disagree with us. We're retaliating by spending the next two hours texting the word "vote" for Matt Giraud.

Anoop Desai -- First, the good news: We like his outfit a LOT more than the stuff he's been wearing. Also, the five 'o clock shadow is working for us. The bad news: we're pretty sure this is the end of the road for Anoop. The vocals weren't stellar, and overall we think he's less popular than Kris Allen.

Our verdict: Goodbye Lil Rounds, Goodbye Anoop Desai.

Previously:

American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

This Week on "American Idol": Paula Choreographs, Disco Makes a Comeback

Lindy Parker — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

Get ready, y'all -- tonight is disco night on American Idol, and we admit it's hard to imagine this working out well. But, wait, there's more -- you know those awkward group numbers that they use to kill time at the beginning of the results show? Well, get psyched because Paula Abdul's choreographing Wednesday's group performance, so we're preparing ourselves for lots of spins and knees-up dance steps.

In preparation for some Abdul choreography on tonight's show, let's take a look back at Paula's dance moves from the days when she was moonlighting on The Arsenio Hall Show...

Previously:

American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

"American Idol" Wants Sacha Baron Cohen For the Season 8 Finale

Lindy Parker — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Today in unecessary anxiety: American Idol producers are toying with the idea of bringing British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen on board to take part in the upcoming season finale. It seems this news has ruffled some feathers of those skeptical that SBC can make a public appearance without saying/doing something grossly inappropriate for network television. We can't imagine what they mean...

“We’re talking about Sacha Baron Cohen doing something. The trouble is he always goes a little bit off the rails, and we’ve got to be very careful. It’s a family show,” executive producer Ken Warwick told the paper. Earlier, he said the same thing—“family show”—when he revealed that they would not broadcast the name of Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. (Reality Blurred)

Truthfully, we're not quite sure this pairing warrants accusations of "the most ludicrous hypocrisy ever" (Reality Blurred). After all, we imagine Fox has a list of words/phrases that are off-limits on the air, and "bastard" is probably one of them. We assume that if they ask SBC to do the finale, an agreement will be reached between about what kinds of things are and are not appropriate to say. That said, we can kind of see where the Reality Blurred people are coming from: the few times we've seen SBC appear on network television (mostly during award shows etc) we've been privy to his anecdotes about gas bubbles, and rubbing his face in another man's genitals.

Previously:
American Idol: Somebody Save Me
American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year

Fantasia Barrino, The Reality Show

Jake Kalish — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:22:00 GMT

Fantasia will star in a new unscripted VH1 reality show, scheduled to begin in 2010. We gotta ask why - and we only ask because we love Fantasia, and have the utmost respect for her enormous talent. Isn't this something less gifted people do to boost their careers? It's kinda like, if you're a standup with a funny routine, you don't need to be a prop comic. Look, this is a list of what Fantasia's done already, just on the merits of her talent: 1 American Idol win. 9 Grammy Nominations. Star on Broadway in The Color Purple. Bestselling autobiography. Star of a Lifetime original movie based on her life. It's true that her music hasn't sold like Kelly Clarkson's or Carrie Underwood's, but she's no Taylor Hicks, either. She's doing great. All right, here's the counterargument, from executive producer Randy Barbato:

Fantasia's life has been an open book, but at 24 years old, her story has just begun...Now that it has found a home at VHI, we look forward to smashing expectations and revealing the fresh, funny and unexpected side of this one-of-a-kind country girl and superstar.

Yeah, okay. We'll take a peek. But we mean this as a compliment, not an insult: we're most interested in Fantasia Barrino when she performs.

"American Idol": "American Idols Live!' Tour Dates Announced [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:04:00 GMT

The Top 10 finalists, coming to a major stadium near you. Find out where you can see Alison, Adam, Noop Dawg, and Megan Whatever-The-Hell-She-Decides-Her-Name Is:

Date: Location: Venue:

    July 5th             Portland, OR            Rose Garden
    July 7th             Tacoma, WA              Tacoma Dome
    July 8th             Vancouver, BC           General Motors Place
    July 10th            Sacramento, CA          ARCO Arena
    July 11th            Oakland, CA             Oracle Arena
    July 12th            San Jose, CA            The HP Pavilion at San Jose
    July 14th            West Valley City, UT    The E Center
    July 16th            Los Angeles, CA         Staples Center
    July 17th            Ontario, CA             Citizens Business Bank Arena
    July 18th            San Diego, CA           San Diego Sports Arena
    July 20th            Glendale, AZ            Jobing.com Arena
    July 23rd            Dallas, TX              American Airlines Center
    July 24th            Tulsa, OK               BOK Center
    July 25th            N. Little Rock, AR      Alltel Arena
    July 26th            Memphis, TN             FedEx Forum
    July 28th            Tampa, FL               St. Pete Times Forum
    July 29th            Sunrise, FL             BankAtlantic Center
    July 31st            Duluth, GA              Arena at Gwinnett Center
    August 1st           Charlotte, NC           Time Warner Cable Arena
    August 2nd           Greensboro, NC          Greensboro Coliseum
    August 4th           Washington DC           Verizon Center
    August 5th           Baltimore, MD           1st Mariner Arena
    August 7th           Atlantic City, NJ       Boardwalk Hall
    August 8th           Newark, NJ              Prudential Center
    August 11th          Long Island, NY         Nassau Coliseum
    August 14th          Hamilton, ON            Copps Coliseum
    August 15th          Rochester, NY           Blue Cross Arena
    August 16th          Hartford, CT            XL Center
    August 18th          Boston, MA              TD Banknorth Garden
    August 19th          Albany, NY              Times Union Center
    August 20th          Philadelphia, PA        Wachovia Center
    August 22nd          Pittsburgh, PA          Mellon Arena
    August 23rd          Cleveland, OH           Wolstein Center
    August 25th          Columbus, OH            Schottenstein Center
    August 26th          Auburn Hills, MI        The Palace of Auburn Hills
    August 28th          Milwaukee, WI           Bradley Center
    August 29th          St. Louis, MO           Scottrade Center
    August 30th          Kansas City, MO         Sprint Center
    September 1st        Minneapolis, MN         Target Center
    September 2nd        Rosemont, IL            Allstate Arena
    September 4th        Madison, WI             Alliant Energy Center
    September 5th        Indianapolis, IN        Conseco Fieldhouse
    September 6th        Grand Rapids, MI        Van Andel Arena
    September 8th        Reading, PA             Sovereign Center
    September 9th        Wilkes Barre, PA        Wachovia Arena
    September 10th       Bridgeport, CT          Arena at Harbor Yard
    September 12th       Portland, ME            Cumberland Civic Center
    September 13th       Providence, RI          Dunkin Donuts Center
    September 14th       Syracuse, NY            War Memorial Arena
    September 15th       Manchester, NH          Verizon Wireless Arena

For more ticket and tour information, fans can visit ticketmaster.com (but check local venues for proper ticket sale information), americanidol.com and aeglive.com. Tickets subject to applicable service charges. Event time and date subject to change.

Hopefully, all of this year's finalists will all give better performances than this very weird Jason Castro "Idols Live!" performance of Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Jason Castro-American Idols Live

PREVIOUSLY:

"American Idol": Somebody Save Me [VIDEO]

"American Idol": We Prefer Tarantino As A Judge

Is Simon Leaving "American Idol"? Our Top Three Choices For His Replacement

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent [VIDEO]

"American Idol": Somebody Save Me [VIDEO]

Lindy Parker — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:00:00 GMT

Dear Matt Giraud,

Double thumbs up, dude. Even though we've basically hated on this ridiculous saving rule from the beginning, we're glad it came through for you in a pinch. Truly, you have a decent voice -- one that we suspect would be even better in the studio. Weirdly, the moment that convinced us that you deserved the save was the way you nailed the notes on "She's a maniac. Man-i-ac, on the floor!" during the group number. That said, we have a bit of a conflicted relationship with your looks. Sometimes we look at you and think, "Yes, definitely hot," whereas other times we're like, "Hmmm. What's happening here? Boo Radley." On the plus side, we sort of like it -- the fact that we're conflicted means your hotness sort of sneaks up on us and we get a little thrill. All this to say we're happy for you, buddy. You just keep doing you...

Nice of Simon to end the whole thing on a negative note. Also, nice of Seacrest to draw as much attention as possible to the tears in your eyes. Still, it had to make you feel good that people were chanting for the judges to save you. We're quite looking forward to what you bring during disco week...as long as Paula and Kara agree not to stand up and sway in unison while your singing -- that makes us feel weird.

xoxo,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight!
American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs

"American Idol": Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Hudson Perform Tonight

Lindy Parker — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Tonight marks the return of Jennifer Hudson in her first Idol appearance since she was voted off in season 3, and we are thrilled. We love J.Hud anytime, anywhere. Miley Cyrus is also scheduled to perform, and it seems Miley's presence could put a little wind back into one particular contestant's sails...

According to Twitter, Miley loves her some Allison Iraheta...

Just did ‘Idol’ and met Allison! Vote for Allison she rocks!!!! (Twitter)

Perhaps Miley's support will encourage fans to vote and keep Allison out of the bottom three for a while -- let's face it, Kris should definitely go first. In addition to spreading the Allison love, Miley wants to assure fans that her Idol performance may be pre-recorded, but that doesn't make her Ashlee Simpson...

Just FYI ‘Idol’ was pretaped because everrryy performer is pretaped on elimination night, that doesn’t mean it’s fake! I sang live 100% xoxoxo (Twitter)

Fair enough, Miles. By the way, since we've spent the last half an hour scouring MC's twitter for Idol updates, we've become weirdly obsessed with her updates -- every now and then, we hit a gem.

Previously:

American Idol: We Prefer Tarantino As a Judge
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
American Idol: Play That Funky Music

"American Idol": We Prefer Tarantino as a Judge

Lindy Parker — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:00:00 GMT

The night begins with some weird banter from the judges in which Ryan tries to find adjectives to use in their introductions ("the provocative Kara DioGuardi," "the hot Paula Abdul"). It gets a little awkward so Seacrest jumps right to introducing the contestants, and then walks down the line giving each of them mini-shoulder rubs which only extends the uncomfortable. Stop the madness, Ryan. Let's move on to the performances...

Allison Iraheta -- Paula's loving it. Simon's talking about BBQ sauce. The long and the short of it is -- they think Allison is the final bastion of hope for the girls left on the show, which wasn't saying much given that there's only two remaining. Lil Rounds must be fuming back stage.

Anoop Desai -- Quentin's trying to get Anoop to growl, and it's almost exactly like that scene from Little Giants where Rick Moranis is trying to get that skinny kid to be more aggressive on the football field. Still, our first thought when Anoop starts singing is: "Damn, his voice is really sounding good these days." Randy agrees. Ryan's pressuring Anoop for information about his girlfriend/boyfriend. Anoop defers, but keeps it charming.

Adam Lambert -- LIke everyone one else in America, Quentin has a crush on Adam. Actually, we're not exstatic about his performance of Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild", but really, who cares? He's still the best thing that's ever happened to us. Also, we are feeling his haircut...

Matt Giraud -- Matt's shaved a bit too close tonight. We like him a litte more dirrty. God, we love Bryan Adams. We just can't help ourselves. Those Canadians can really write a love song. The bridge got a little weird for us -- like maybe Matt had something stuck in his throat. Randy and Kara are with us. That said, the falsetto at the end is nice.

Danny Gokey -- Like Tyra Banks, Quentin thinks Danny should spend more time smiling with his eyes. We don't really care what he does with his eyes, but we wish he would quit picking songs we hate. Endless love? Come on. What can we say, Gokey is hokey. Simon agrees with us, although he backtracks a little bit when Danny tears up, and mutters something that roughly translates to "but that doesn't mean I'm not terribly sorry that your wife died." Awkward.

Sidenote: for some reason Ryan's sitting in Randy's chair, and the judges start whooping for no reason. Let's hurry up and get to Kris's clip...

Kris Allen: Kris is singing a song from Once and we can't imagine a scenario on earth or in heaven where this will go well. We're not wrong. Kris just doesn't have a Glen Hansard voice. Come to that, who does? Really terrible choice in our opinion. Kara disagrees. She commends Kris for his bravery in picking an "obscure" song. Really, Kara? It won an Oscar for God's sake.

Lil Rounds: It remains to be seen how many lives this girl has left in this competition, but she's been blowing through them so we're looking for something amazing from her right about now. Annnnnndddd, we're not sure Bette Midler is it. The judges have been telling her for weeks: Keyshia Cole, Mary J. Blige. Why does she give us Celine Dion and Bette Midler? Simon's frustrated as well. He and Lil get in a fight about it, and we end the night feeling depressed.

Bottom line: To save time, they cut down the mentor segments by quite a lot, and we definitely did not get enough of Quentin Tarantino's pithy critique during his mentoring sessions. We prefer him as a judge.

Previously:

American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

Quentin Tarantino Returns to "American Idol" Tonight!

Lindy Parker — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:30:00 GMT

OMG, Fox has totally heard our prayers...

The theme for the contestants this week is “Idols at the Movies,” and the guest mentor will be Director, Quentin Tarantino. Known for making thought-provoking and unique films, Quentin will coach the Idols on their song choices this week...Although Quentin will not be a judge this time, we all look forward to the expertise and coaching that he will bring to the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

How true. "Looking forward to it" is an understatement. We could not possibly be more excited about this. In celebration, here's his highlight reel from season 3 -- we sometimes play this series of clips when we wake up in the morning if we're feeling like we need a little pick-me-up...

Previously:

Is Simon Cowell Leaving American Idol? Our Top Three Choices for His Replacement
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

Is Simon Leaving "American Idol"? Our Top Three Choices For His Replacement

Lindy Parker — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:00:00 GMT

With one year left on his American Idol contract, Simon Cowell's reign as the judge everyone loves to hate may be coming to an end...

"I don't want to come over as whiney because I am very grateful that I have got these jobs," says Cowell, who also hosts U.K.'s The X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent. "But there is a point where I am not sure we can keep this schedule up. It takes longer and longer to make these shows because you have to put more into them, and I am not sure we can sustain me doing three shows a year, with the record label and the TV production company," he goes on. (Us Magazine)

Fair enough, but the question remains: who will replace the exquisitely acerbic Brit? Listen up, Fox. We've got some ideas...

1. Quentin Tarantino

Our all time favorite guest judge on American Idol. We don't know anything about QT's music knowledge, and we don't care. He clearly loves the show, and we've got Randy and Kara for industry cred. We just want someone who can make us laugh and who won't bicker with Paula.

2. David Foster

This one's a no brainer, right? If you can't get Quentin Tarantino, songwriting legend slash music production genius is the next logical step. Also, he's guest mentored before, and he's uncle to Clay Aiken's baby so there's already an Idol connection. The only downside is that David Foster's got one or two other things going on, and probably couldn't swing the show's grueling production schedule.

3. Whitney Houston

Come on, tell us this wouldn't be awesome! She'd totally vascilate between shockingly insightful critiques and bat shit crazy that could send Paula's head spinning. Not to mention, the soul-shatteringly awkward moments when an ill-advised contestant inevitably covers one of her Bodyguard songs with her in the room -- our minds are blown just thinking about it. Plus, we think this one is actually plausible: Whitney needs to get back in the limelight, and we're not sure it would take Clive Davis that much cajoling to make it happen.

Previously:

Simon Cowell Tells Michael Jackson What To Do
American Idol: I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't
American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

"American Idol": See Adam Lambert Way Before He Crushed All Competitors Under The Weight Of His Immense Talent [VIDEO]

Jake Kalish — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:30:00 GMT

We've been watching American Idol,aka The Adam Lambert Show, and we gotta ask: is there any stopping this guy? Oh, there's a chance he might not win, because he might be a little flamboyant for some, and Danny Gokey is a great story who's also a good singer. But it seems there's almost no chance this guy won't be a hugely popular Pop God. He's totally different from all the other competitors - it's like they dropped some fully formed rock star into an amateur singing competition. This guy is so good he makes you wonder: "Where the hell did he come from?"

Well, now we have at least a little bit of an answer. Witness Adam Lambert singing "Is Anybody Listening" as the slave Joshua in a 2004 Los Angeles musical production of The Ten Commandments, starring Val Kilmer:..

PREVIOUSLY:

"American Idol": I Can't Make You Love Me if You Don't

"American Idol": It Was A Very Good Year

Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs

"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

"American Idol": I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

Lindy Parker — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:00:00 GMT

Dear Scott MacIntyre,

The thing is, we think your a nice guy -- a very nice guy, and really funny and smart. We'd totally go on a date with you once you get the Golden Girls hair sorted out. But, there's probably no scenario in which we can imagine buying your CD, and for that reason, it was time for you to go. On the plus side, the judges clearly felt bad about it, so let's not dwell on the past, Scott. Let's move on to brighter topics.

Can we talk for a minute about how much we LOVE Flo Rida?

His performance of his hit single "Right Round" may have made a few network executives clutching their pearls, but who can worry about sort of thing when there's biceps like that to be oggled?

Sigh. American Idol, you bring us so much joy. Scott, fare thee well, friend. Fare thee well.

xoxo,

The Remote Island

Previously:

American Idol: It Was a Very Good Year
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Ode To Joy
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music

"Fringe" Returns: Mini-Observer Is Creepy, Helpful, Unilluminating (As Expected)

Chenda Ngak — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

Fringe returned last night and left us wondering what direction the show is headed. We've grumbled in the past that the overarching story line (or "mytharc" for you fellow nerds) moved slower than a buffet line at an old folks home. Don't get us wrong, it was still a good enough episode -- the mini-Observer filled our week's creepy quotient, Walter delivered classic one-liners, and there was a decent amount of blood. But still, we wonder...

A group of construction workers find a feral child in a room that has been hidden away for decades. The child doesn't talk, but can hear, and they suspect he survived on rats. Olivia, Peter, and Walter is called in to see the child. He says they need to deprive the child of oxygen. Whaaat?

Meanwhile back at the office an invitation comes through from a criminal called "The Artist," who is clearly a recurring case that has yet to be solved.

Olivia tries to make friends with the child. He observes her writing down Coolidge Park. Then he he grabs her hands and writes a name: Sam Gilmore. We find out that The Artist's latest victim is Sam Gilmore. So this child is a psychic? Not quite. They suspect that he is hyper-sensitive.

In a scene that annoyed us because of the cliche factor, a woman helps a man in a wheel chair loading things into a van... uhh. Nobody in this world learned anything from Unsolved Mysteries? Or gets creeped out everytime they hear "American Girl"? No, so of course, please everyone, meet the latest victim of The Artist.

Back at the hospital, Olivia tries to win the child over with candy. Social services agent Mr. Michaels makes a visit and talks to Olivia about the child's future. The boy's heart rate spike we see that Olivia is distressed. As the social services man walks away we see him say "I'm at the hospital. I think we've found another one." Okay, this is our only hint at The Pattern, so far.

Later the boy gives another hint and writes down "547 Marlborough". That is where The Artist's van is parked. Where he is smothering his latest victim. With nowhere else to turn, Olivia pays Walter and Peter a visit. Olivia wants to know how to reach the boy. His electromagnetic field picks up things and a bunch of other sci-fi garble.

Sadly, our favorite moment of the show was not related to the story line. Rather, it was a moment when Walter's penis on the brink of falling out of his robe, to Peter's dismay. Walter responds casually with, "I'm sure agent Dunham knows what a penis looks like."

Back at the hospital the ferel child makes an arrow out of candy. Olivia checks him out of the hospital so that Walter can mess around with him. He wants to use a neuro-stimulator to listen to the child's thought. Mr. Michaels is panicking because the child is missing. Walter does a sensual dance with the Nero-stimulator to put the child as ease. The child is tense because he sense Mr. Michaels has entered the building. We come to find out that he's CIA and with higher clearance than Olivia. They request the boy for one more day to help out with the artist case. The boy senses that something is not right with Mr. Michaels.

Oliva and Peter get a lead that the latest victim had cow's blood under her fingers. Peter tips off that it could be a meat packing facility. The neuro-stimulator works. The child starts to freak out and his body temperature drops. Cut to Olivia in a freezer. OMFG. He feels what she feels. Nice. Olivia finds out that a man came in and bought some plastic from a slaughter house. Walter makes the connection that he's emotionally bonded to Olivia. He's trying to help her because he knows that the information is important to her. Now he doesn't want to help her in the case because he doesn't want to go with Mr. Michaels. She makes a breakthrough.

They go down to the corner of York and Glenway. During their traffic stops The Artist's van pulls up. The little yellow arrow was a recreation of The Artist's air freshner!! Olivia makes a move and the Artist takes off. After they shoot out the tires, The Artist takes off, but Olivia finds him and stabs him to death. Oh, that was over fast.

As Mini-Observer is driven to his new home, we see The Observer standing by the side of the road. And this is a surprise how? You know what a surprise would be... his turning up on American Idol. Oh wait.

For a return episode, we were hoping for more insight into The Pattern, Massive Dynamics, William Bell (oh btw, THIS!!!), or Olivia's role in it all. This episode was a stand-alone that could've been plucked from any part of the season and could be dropped into any future season. Which has historically been the problem with Fringe -- too afraid to commit to the overarching mythology for fear of losing viewers. Or maybe J.J. Abrams is still confused by one of his own shows? Well, Abrams, et al: you guys did well last night with the viewers. So don't sweat it. Live a little next time and tell us something we don't know.

PREVIOUSLY:

"Fringe": New Episodes Start Tonight, Expect Weird Stuff (Duh)

"Fringe" Moves To Canada; Blame New York

Hey, Is "Fringe" Finally Going Somewhere?

"Fringe": Fox Releases Painful "Best Of The Observer" Viral Video

"American Idol": It Was a Very Good Year

Lindy Parker — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:00:00 GMT

Tonight's episode kicked things off with baby pictures of the judges, and it has to be said, Randy Jackson had the cutest baby mug by a mile. Kara's was shockingly uncute -- who knew that was even possible? Apparently, Paula doesn't have any pictures prior to the age of eight, and Simon's was (predictably) adorable -- guys with weird adult haircuts are always cute toddlers. The hilarity came to a screeching halt when Paula tried to make a joke about Ryan's baby buck teeth that kind of fell flat. Best to move on to the performances...

Danny Gokey -- Here's the thing: when we first heard Danny was singing "Stand By Me" we were like "Yes. Awesome. Let's do this." We love, love, love that song, and Danny has the voice to pull it off. However, he trotted out this weird, pseudo R&B, hotel lounge version that we didn't love. Paula was into it, but we suspect she has a bit of cougar crush on D.Goke.

Kris Allen -- Thank god, we can get back to hating Kris Allen. His rendition of "All She Wants to Do is Dance" was lackluster and stupid. Don Henley he is not. Sidenote: the neckline of Paula's dress is giving us serious pause -- one boob is totally higher than the other. OMG, Simon just called Kris's song choice "stupid, stupid." Simon is totally our soul twin on this.

Lil Rounds -- Lil's mom wants to make it clear that "Lil" is not her stage name. Don't get it twisted. Lil's got the choreography and Balenciaga sandles working this week, so thumbs up there. On the negative side, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, why can't Lil bring the heat like we know she can? Her version of "What's Love Got To Do With It" was second rate karaoke at best. We're not kidding around anymore -- this girl has one of the best voices in the house -- it's time for her to BRING IT. Here's how bad it is: even Paula was making totally coherent sense. That said, it's not her turn to go home. Kris should go first, then Scott.

Anoop Desai -- Truly, this kid couldn't be more lovely. He starts off by apologizing for sassing the judges last week. His version of "True Colors" was oddly moving. Also, his sweater -- fierce.

Scott MacIntyre -- We're starting to be weirded out by Scott's kooky personality. His halloween anecdote seemed out of place, and following it up with a bizarre maniacal laugh was too much for us. Confession: We're not sure we've ever actually heard "The Search is Over," but we're going to go ahead say that Scott was off key on more than one occasion.

Allison Iraheta -- whom we're going to start referring to as "our bitch" because we love her so much. Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" was a great choice for her voice. Predictably, Kara shares our affection for Allison since she's exactly the kind of artist for whom Kara writes hits. We can practically see the dollar signs rolling in her eyes.

Matt Giraud -- The thing is, no one's ever really going to be Stevie Wonder are they? It seems dangerous to cover any SW song at the best of times. The judges don't agree with us -- they're loving Matt this week. The jury's still out for us -- we feel like he's sort of like the love child of Justin Timberlake and Michael Bublé and we're not sure how we feel about that combo. Even though we still quite like Matt himself, we just don't see him winning this rodeo.

Adam Lambert -- Dude, it was tragic. Our dvr cut off right after Matt's performance. We. Freaked. Out. Adam is our American Idol! How will we see his performance? How will we know his number so we can text the word "vote?" Luckily, the internet is a magic place full of treasures...

Simon gave him a standing ovation. We stood up on our bed and joined in. Enough said.

Previously:
Tonight On "American Idol": Birth Year Songs
"American Idol": Ode To Joy
"American Idol": Play That Funky Music
"American Idol": Paula Abdul Fashion Retrospective