The Remote Island

Sam Bradford, Heisman-Trophy Winning Oklahoma Quarterback And Native American, Loses To The White Man

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:28:00 GMT

We should have seen this coming...

Boy, except for The Battle Of Little Big Horn, the red man never wins, does he? This totally sucks, almost as bad as what went down with Jonathan Takes Enemy. (Click that link - it goes to maybe the best long-form sports article written in the past quarter-century.) What made this Fox-televised debacle even worse is that Bradford and Oklahoma lost to Florida and legend-in-his own time Tim Tebow, who is a bible-thumping, Jesus-praising home-schooled Christian missionary who, like, goes to foreign countries and preaches about the glory of Christ. So the Indian didn't just lose again, he had to then hear all about Jesus. Again.

PREVIOUSLY: Sam Bradford Wins Heisman Trophy; Best Moment For Native Americans On Television Since...?

"Heroes" Producer Mark Verheiden Says They're Trying Their Absolute Best To Make "Heroes" Good. Really.

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:25:00 GMT

Maybe they can get Hiro to take all of us back to early 2007...

Heroes producer Mark Verheiden wants you to know he's heard the complaints , and, seriously, they're trying to fix this:

What we tried to do with the show as a group, people will notice that we’re not doing as many stories per show and lingering a bit on the stories we’re doing...

Well, they better do something, before someone who is probably Ali Larter bolts. Wait, there's a whole lot more:

[W]e’re not deaf. We listen to what the general drumbeat is and as we go forward, I think we’ve made some adjustments. But they were adjustments that were being made before all this stuff really came down. One thing I’ve learned after doing this for a while is that you can’t really control that sort of thing. You can just do the best you can do. That’s what I’m about, trying to do the best shows we can do. I was reading somewhere where someone suggested that, “well they must not care about the show.” [laughs] Critique it all you want. You can have all the issues you want, but in terms of caring I’m telling you we care about the show. Not just the writers, not just the producers, the cast, the enormous crew, everyone. It’s a little absurd... You don’t stay in the office until midnight and work seven days a week and all this stuff because you’re just knocking it out... [E]verybody who’s there is killing themselves to make the best show possible. You can’t fault us for lack of trying.

No. But if this is them trying, then things are even worse then we imagined. Maybe Bryan Fuller can fix this?

PREVIOUSLY: Our Heroes Archive

The World Is Going To Hell In A Handbasket, But Here Are A Whole Lot Of Puppies!

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:05:00 GMT

Mama Dalmatian just set a world record. Can't you just see it on her face?

So, you know, we're in two wars, the economy is "sick," everyone's out of work, and don't get us started on the Gaza Strip, Darfur, the Congo, or Momma's Boys.

But there is good news, coming out of England - Button, a Dalmatian, just Wednesday birthed a litter of 18 puppies. This after popping out 15, which tied a British record, just last year. Yes, this isn't television news, precisely, but it was covered on the Today show, where Lauer and Viera were very happy to be talking about puppies. Still, we prefer this BBC clip, from Button's first litter, wherein Button's owner says the enormous litter has "been absolute shit hell, but in a good way."

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Patrick Swayze Hospitalized For Pneumonia, Kicks Ass In Barbara Walters Sitdown

Lindy Parker — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Obviously, Patrick Swayze's been through a lot this year, and he sat down with Barbara Walters this week to talk about, amoung other things, his fight with cancer. Not surprisingly, he was totally badass. If ever anyone had reason to breakdown during an interview, we feel like it's Patrick Swayze and wife Lisa Niemi, but they handled all Barbara's questions like champs, only tearing up during a few particularly invasive questions ("Have you faced the possibility of life without him?" Yikes, we would've been a mess). Needless to say, we were impressed...

Click through for a clip of the interview...

UPDATE: Sad bit of news -- Patrick Swayze has had to interrupt his Beast promo tour and check himself into the hospital for pneumonia. We'd assume this is related to his ongoing cancer treatment. Best luck, Patrick!

PREVIOUSLY

Patrick Swayze is Going Through Hell -- And Apparently We Love It

Patrick Swayze: Cancer? What Cancer?

Casey Wilson Has A Suri Cruise Impression Planned

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

SNL's Casey Wilson is planning a Suri Cruise impression. Wilson, who also co-wrote Bride Wars, thinks she's got little Suri all figured out:

I just have to give her a voice. She's got a lot to say, a lot of opinions. She's very smart and she can wear that Burberry coat like no other. But I think I'm going to make her arrive in a spaceship.

We can't wait, nor can we wait for the Tom Cruise lawsuit. Perhaps Wilson, though, could have waited on this announcement, for a less tragic week for Scientologists. Still, hopefully the impression will be worth the legal wrangling, and as funny as this pre-SNL Wilson incest-on Valentine's Day sketch from the Dirtiest Sketch Contest:

PREVIOUSLY: Our SNL Archive

Will Ferrell Is Even Funny When He's Writing On Walls

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:50:00 GMT

So Will Ferrell was at The Burger Joint in The Parker Meridien Hotel in New York, which is a small little grungy spot with excellent, inexpensive burgers (and autographed walls) behind a curtain in the back of the lobby of a very fancy hotel. Ferrell decided to sign the wall, and one of the people in the undoubtedly very crowded Joint saw what he was writing, and reported back to the Daily News, which is how we came across this, from the "Scene & Heard" Section:

Will Ferrell signing Le Parker Meridien’s famous wall and writing underneath, “I’m secretly gay” . . .

Heh. That is funny, and will be way funnier when someone unknowingly comes across it. But maybe it's not such a secret. Check out this photo of Will and Sascha Baron Cohen, who will co-star in the upcoming Sherlock Holmes movie (Sascha's Sherlock, Will is Watson).

Crush of The Day: Tyler Florence

Lindy Parker — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:36:00 GMT

Here's the thing: we're not usually into that Ken doll thing, but we spent nearly the entire month of December glued to the Food Network and we came out on the other side obsessed with Tyler Florence...

We think it's a combination of factors really. First, obviously the cooking -- we picture ourselves sitting in the dining room with fork and knife in hand, banging our elbows on the table, and him finding it inexplicably sexy. Second, we enjoy the way he refers to food with personified pronouns ("Just put him in the bowl and mix him up with everyone else"). It's awesome, sort of like dating a kindergarten teacher.

PBS Is Asking Barack Obama For Money, Offering Him A Totebag He Really Doesn't Want

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:22:00 GMT

Public Broadcasting's money problems ain't imaginary...

PBS President Paula Kerger says in order to survive, PBS will have to turn to Barack Obama for assistance.

We have been working very carefully to reach out to members of the [presidential] transition team, to talk about the work that we're doing in many areas, particularly childhood education. But we're also realistic. These are very tough economic times, and although we provide an extraordinary service to the American public, we can't assume that just because we've done great work in the past that we should be recipients of funding going forward. So we'll be working very hard to make our case.

Good. But could you maybe not interrupt the Ken Burns documentaries ten gazillion times to talk about how great they are, and how, if we agree, we should give "a small donation" and we'll receive something like this?

Kerger knows how annoying the constant fundraising is, and says PBS will also rely heavily on the Internet for public outreach, rather than on-air begging. Thank you. Now, if we do contribute, rather than the coffee mug or totebag, can you please please please make Mister Snuffleupagus imaginary again? We'll bug you about this constantly. Quid pro quo, Paula Kerger, quid pro quo.

PREVIOUSLY:

How Charlie Rose Can Get His Groove Back

Welcome Back, "The Electric Company!!!"

Comfort TV For Hump Day: "Lidia's Family Table"And "Lidia's Italy"

Barack Obama Wants To Delay The Switch To All-Digital TV Past February 17th, And Thereby Ruin Our "Switch To Digital TV" Keg Party

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Dude, we already paid the band...

Barack Obama has asked that the date to switch to all-digital TV be moved back. Apparently, this was planned poorly, the public hasn't been informed well enough, and there's not enough money. Which makes it exactly like everything else in the past eight years. Also, the gubment has reached its budgetary limit on $40 coupons for digital TV converters. Whoooops! Now nobody's sure if the conversion will go down on February 17th or not. Which is bound to make this little old lady even more confused.

PREVIOUSLY: Everybody Remember To Study For Your Digital Broadcast Test

Ken Burns Will Have Another Baseball Documentary, Covering Everything That's Happened Since 1994

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:30:00 GMT

Wait, stuff has happened in baseball since 1994? Like what?

This is excellent news - and necessary, given the steroid scandal. But we do wish Burns was a little less pretentious about it, especially since you're dealing with an era defined by cheating, where the stars who weren't injecting steroids or HGH were, at the very least, popping greenies:

So much has transpired in baseball since we last examined the game and all of its many nuances. Above all, this new installment furthers a sense of celebration and introspection around one of our nation's greatest institutions, the seemingly simple stick and ball game whose infinite variations and possibilities have entranced our ever-changing nation for nearly 200 years.

Check It Out: Stills From The Upcoming "Grey's Anatomy" Video Game

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:31:00 GMT

We're holding out for the Charlie Rose video game...

So there's going to be a Grey's Anatomy video game coming out shortly for the Wiii, Nintendo DS, and PC's. Players will have to "balance life and work" :

and "perform delicate surgeries":

looks pretty cool, although we haven't been that up on the video games for a few years. Would be awesome if they could somehow get a romance going between McDreamy and Ms. Pac-Man, or Izzie and Donkey Kong.

PREVIOUSLY: Our Grey's Anatomy Archive

Jon Stewart Subjects Rachel Maddow To Unformed, Unhelpful "MSNBC = 'The Munsters'" Theory

Bryan Christian — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:17:00 GMT

For the most part, Rachel Maddow's first-ever visit to The Daily Show was the lovefest that you'd expect, but we have to wonder -- if Jon Stewart had known that Maddow doesn't own a TV, would we have all been spared his weird, surprisingly unilluminating argument that MSNBC is somehow like The Munsters? Does that make Fox News The Addams Family? Oh, also: what the heck does any of that mean?

Click through for video...

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Friday Shades of "Grey's Anatomy": I Could Kill You

Lindy Parker — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

It's Friday, y'all, and it's 2009 -- Time for resolutions? How about some high's and low's...

Lindy Low -- Is it weird that we can't actually remember what Meredith and Christina are fighting about? Something about Lexipedia's underground surgery club? Christina picking Alex for the solo surgery? Whatever it was, we're over the sulky, poutiness of it all. People are dying, girls, literally in your arms -- let's move past it. Also, Alex taking a trip downtown with Izzie in an empty OR while Denny watches gives us that "ick" feeling.

Olivia Low -- Alex is a winner, but he’s a little dumb sometimes no? Did he not hear his girlfriend say she sees her dead fiancé constantly . . . and also they bang on the regular. Izzie and Denny have apparitional intercourse. Now, if someone said that to you, would you be all: “Cool, let’s go have a sandwich, I’m thinking cheese doodles as a side item?” Would you? No. You’d grab a pair of plastic cuffs and chain her ass to the radiator until the padded van arrived to take crazy Izzie away. That’s what we’d like from Alex. Especially because he’s got experience with crazy. Remember Rebecca? Remember the hysterical pregnancy? Alex: Fool you once, shame on Becky’s fake baby. Fool you twice, and you’re in a threesome with Katherine Heigl and a dead guy. Think about it.

Lindy High -- Izzie: I see Denny and we have sex. Alex: Well, I'd rather you fantasize about me or chicks. Ha. We love Alex so much. Also, this -- Sloan: What are the steps? Callie: Don't get naked with interns...it's more of a one step program. Sloan: I'd better write this down. Alex, Mark Sloan, Callie Torres and the patients are really the only reasons we still like watching this show. Everything else -- Christina and Meredith pouting, Derek riding his moral high horse, Lexi doing that perpetual blinking-in-the-sunlight face, Chief Jim Pickens and his constant self-esteem crisis -- has us rolling our eyes so much that we're getting a headache.

Olivia High -- Eric Stoltz, man. He’s good. He’s a great sociopath: mild mannered, pleasant, normal, but likes slitting throats. I kind of enjoy this death row patient role they’ve got him playing. Who doesn’t like a doctor show that features a shank to the vertebrae and prison guards? This case should bring up issues of humane treatment, the death penalty, morality . . . but instead it’s yet another excuse for Meredith to whine like a third grader who didn’t get a pudding pop for her after school snack. “Shut up, girl. Just shut it up. Pop Tarts are just as good.” We actually say that when she comes on the screen. Our roommate would like us to stop. But we can’t. Meredith is that irritating.

Conan O'Brien: "The Feathers Are Back On The NBC Peacock!"

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:33:00 GMT

Conan did a bit on Tuesday about how psyched he was about NBC's "midseason turnaround" - and we think he may have been kidding:

Patricia Arquette Files For Divorce from Thomas Jane After Two Years Of Marriage

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:02:00 GMT

That thing on her head was a bad omen. As was the groom wearing a kilt. Yeah, yeah, it's traditional, whatever. She still should have ixnayed the tartan plaid man skirt.

"Howie Do It", Premiering Tonight At 8 On NBC, Is Apparently Just As Stupid As It Sounds

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 15:28:00 GMT

A hidden camera show starring Howie Mandel isn't the best thing in the history of television? Who'd a thunk it?

Apparently Howie Mandel's new hidden-camera show Howie Do It really bites, according to David Hinkley of the Daily News and Brian Lowry of Variety, who writes:

Consider this a foretaste of NBC's plan to turn its primetime lineup into TV's version of a discount mart -- a cheaper way to lose on Fridays than with scripted fare like "Crusoe." Frankly, a little of Mandel goes a long way...

What? Who doesn't appreciate Howie Mandel's subtle, sophisticated comedic stylings?

PREVIOUSLY: Howie Mandel's Inexplicable Quater-Century Career Continues Its Even Less Explicable Resurgence

"30 Rock": Jenna Maroney, You Are The Weakest Link

Bryan Christian — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:29:00 GMT

Dear 30 Rock,

Please give Jane Krakowski things to do other than sing. She's a funny, resourceful actress with a great voice, but for Chrissakes, please for the love of Pete, if you'd bloody well let her date someone once in a while or be wooed by another network or any of the other marginally funny plotlines available to her or anything other than just fucking sing awful music, she might be worth more screentime than she is, and we wouldn't cringe every time we see her in advance of whatever demeaning, cringy thing it is you're gonna make her warble. And then we wouldn't be so angry about Pete Hornberger not getting any lines.

Love,

The Remote Island

PS: Jesus, was Salma Hayek hot last night. Nice work.

Sarah Palin Admits Those Katie Couric Interviews Didn't Go Well, And For That She Blames Everyone But Herself

Jake Kalish — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:28:00 GMT

So Sarah Palin finally is willing to say those Katie Couric interviews didn't turn out so great - but that was her handlers' fault. Oh, and Katie Couric's. And whoever edited the segment. Watch this interview for the upcoming documentary Media Malpractice, in which Caribou Barbie actually makes some interesting points, when she isn't dishing out the blame:

PREVIOUSLY:

Sarah Palin Wishes She Had Talked More To The Media, Reminding Us Again How Dumb She Is

Our Palin Archive

Some "Heroes" Star Wants Off "Heroes", Says Blind Item On E! Online

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We're not fo' sho, but it sure sounds like Ali Larter...

According to E! Online (Damn them! For making their station! An exclamation!) some Heroes star really wants to leave Heroes. With the ratings and the storylines going so far downhill this season, this is unsurprising - it's like rats on a sinking ship, or Republicans at the 2008 Republican Convention. Not sure who exactly, this item is referring to, but if you go by the clues E! is giving, it sure sounds like Ali Larter...

It's a series regular who's been on since season one.
Some of you fans would freak if this actor were to leave.
This particular Hero-ic soul has more name recognition than others in the cast.
According to Peacock-net insiders, NBC is not likely to release this actor. (See number three.)
If this actor does return for season four, there's an easy way to bring him or her back from the planned "death."

PREVIOUSLY: Our Heroes Archive

Everybody Wanted To Watch Oprah Talk About How Fat She Is

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:25:00 GMT

No matter how it might offend our sensibilities somewhat, Oprah's show about her weight gain was her third-highest ep of the season, getting a 5.7 rating and 13 share. Like we said, watching Oprah's weight is the new national pasttime...

PREVIOUSLY: Our Oprah Archive

"Biggest Loser" Star Shanon Thomas Allegedly Assaults A Man With Flour

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

That's one way to get rid of those baking products...

Shanon Thomas of The Biggest Loser allegedly assaulted a tenant living in the basement of her house in suburban Detroit by throwing a bag of flour in his face. Apparently, he was playing his music too loud. Which is why Shanon Thomas grabbed a bag of flour, brought it with her to the basement, and threw it in the guy's face. Sure, makes perfect sense to us. Is flour really a great assault weapon, though? Perhaps she was giving him a light coating, before baking him in her oven.

Look, she's working on this stuff, all right? If the tenant had just pissed her off a week later, she would have assaulted him with organic alfafa sprouts.

Hellooooo, Nurse!: Salma Hayek TONIGHT On "30 Rock"

Bryan Christian — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:38:00 GMT

[NOTE: We're re-running this post to remind you of Salma's 3-ep appearance starting tonight -- now with another preview, featuring a ton more Salma-cleavage and Alec doing a Salma-impression to Salma's face! Brave, man!]

From the kinda sappy ending of 30 Rock's mid-season closer, we were certain that Jack Donaghy's mother -- played by the ever-devilish Elaine Stritch -- was going to kick the bucket first chance she got in the new year. But thankfully, this is not the case, as Jack has apparently been forced to hire an in-house nurse for Colleen... said nurse being played by Salma Hayek.

Click through for video and, in case you were somehow unawares, proof that Salma's still plenty hot after having that kid.

Now, we like nurses scrubs and all -- no really, we know a sexy nurse or two in the real world -- but we must ask: Will 30 Rock be giving Salma the chance to fox up her pink jammies or will she be unleashing her glam self a little, like she did here, just four months after giving birth?

We're good either way, probably.

BONUS: New promo video below:

[via PopCrunch]

List of Things To Do Before We Die: See Ian McKellan Naked

Lindy Parker — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

It seems that since we missed Ian McKellan's turn as King Lear on stage, we may have to wait awhile for a glimpse of the McKellan family jewels. Turns out, the full-frontal nudity from the stage production doesn't really fly on public television...

An actor who takes his clothes off can divert an audience's attention from the drama itself, said the British actor known for "Lord of the Rings" and the "X-Men" films.
"If it's a distraction of that sort, it's not worth the candle," McKellen told a meeting of the Television Critics Association on Wednesday. "Every night, when I'd take my clothes off, you know what I used to do? Pull in my stomach. That's pathetic. I was playing an old man. I should have let it all hang out, and I couldn't do that," said the actor, who turns 70 this year. (Yahoo! News)

Fair enough, we suppose. Guess we'll have to wait for that experimental remake of Boogie Nights in which Ian McKellan plays an unconventional Dirk Diggler.

Roseanne Barr Thinks Israel Is A "NAZI" State (Her Caps, On Her Blog)

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

You know, if you call people Nazis you really don't need all caps. "Nazi" kind of gets the point across...

Roseanne wrote on her blog that "Israel Is A NAZI state." as if that wasn't clear enough, she followed up January 6th on her radio show by saying "Israel has enough money to pay each and every Palestinian to not shoot at them." Don't know if that would work, but it's an idea. Predictably, Roseanne's political views were the sort of thing the Jerusalem Post might report on. Look, we're not Zionists, and we're all for celebrities being political, but it's possible this whole Israeli/Palestinian conflict is a wee bit more complicated than Roseanne is making it out to be. Also, throwing around the Nazi thing is way uncool, even if you're James Callis of Battlestar Galactica. Although all caps make it a little goofy and cute, like Paris or Lohan giving their political views.

PREVIOUSLY: "Battlestar Galactica" Actor James Callis Mentions Hitler For No Reason

Linda Stasi, New York Post Television Critic, Asks "When Did Torturing People Become A Bad Thing?"

Jake Kalish — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:45:00 GMT

Um...the beginning of time?

We've previously reported on the dopiness of New York Post television critic Linda Stasi, when she believed part of a documentary on identical twins was in "4-D." But Stasi really outdid herself this time. She wrote a review of the season premiere of "24", which she loved. Nothing wrong with that, we dig that show too. But then, out of nowhere, the subheadline for the piece was "When Did Torturing People Become A Bad Thing?"

Uh...what, Linda Stasi? Flabbergasted, we read the review, in which she says she loves Jack Bauer because "you never see him crying into his beer about how depressed he is." Right. But what about how you're cool with torturing, Stasi? Nope, not actually in the piece, except a very brief discussion about how Jack is facing a Senate subcommittee hearing on whether he tortured suspected terrorists. It's like that headline came out of nowhere - it was Stasi's rhetorical question or something, the thought popped into her head and she had to share it with all of us. Or was that just some cheeky Stasi humor? Hah! Torture! No, seriously, Stasi, Abu Ghraib is a barrel of laughs - the problem is all the clearly guilty whiners talking about their "rights" as "humans."

Stasi, WTF? We thought your stupidity was benign. Might it be malignant?

PREVIOUSLY: Dammit, Linda Stasi, That Identical Twin Documentary Was Not In "4-D"

Show of Hands -- Who's Annoyed By New "Top Chef" Judge, Toby Young?

Lindy Parker — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:20:00 GMT

We'll be honest, we didn't find the sarcastic, rambling criticisms of new judge, Toby Young, to be either cute or clever. Reader poll: who thinks he writes these things down beforehand, reads them aloud to the mirror and says to himself, "Yes. Did well there," and then plucks his eyebrows with a pair of golden tweezers? Because that's how it felt to us...

Truthfully, this whole episode was a little blah for us. In fact, if we're being honest, we kind of enjoyed the Diet Dr. Pepper commercial more than the Diet Dr. Pepper quickfire challenge itself, which involved the chefs creating a variety of unimpressive sugarfree desserts for Padma. Radhika came out on top and won immunity going into the elimination challenge. Tom (whom Fabio has dubbed "Co-lee-chee-wah." Ha.) decided that the best way to introduce Toby Young to the chefs is through a blind taste test of their food. He divided the chefs into two groups, and told each chef to create any dish they wanted, no restrictions, for the judges and the other group to taste.

Toby Young didn't really like anybody's food, but Carla, Eugene and Melissa received the brunt of his wrath. In the end, Carla's only sin was a slight misuse of garlic, so she was pardoned. Turns out, the holiday benevolence of the last episode which saved all the chefs from elimination came back to bite them in the ass -- both Gene and Melissa were sent packing.

Apparently, Gene made the grave mistake of including some sort of radish in a tomato/basil pasta. Still, we think it kind of looks cool...

Melissa offended Tom and Toby's sense of sophistication by serving up a fish taco as her best signature dish...

Reaper Season 2 Trailer Available Now

Lindy Parker — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:00:00 GMT

We're just going to say it: we've never really enjoyed Reaper. Yeah, we like Kevin Smith just fine, and we admit it's clever and semi-funny at times, but we just can't into it. However, we took a look at the trailer for season 2 and...

...and we still kind of feel the same way. However, Michael Ian Black as a gay demon? To that we say, genius.

Jeremy Piven’s Sushi Story Might Cost Him

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 18:26:00 GMT

Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy, how did you not see this coming, buddy? Of course the producers of Speed-The-Plow are going to investigate your claim of mercury poisoning. Of course they’re going to try to sue your pint-sized ass for all the cash they loose on the play in the wake of your impromptu departure.

Because let’s be honest . . .

You’re little mercury story is ridiculous. It’s as though you didn’t have your homework and you told the teacher that your pet lynx ate it. Not only do pets not eat homework (unless your arithmetic has been rubbed down with bolognaise), but are you really claiming to own a lynx? Where do you keep this lynx? Do you take it for walks? Is its fur as silky and manageable as say, a snow leopard, or a jaguar? How does your lynx compare to a jaguar?

These are all questions that your teacher/producers will ask when you tell a really silly tale, such as: I got mercury poisoning from eating a wheelbarrow full of sushi, a whole big ass wheelbarrow.

Does it suck to have to pay producers potential loses on a production that you starred in? Yes. But will it teach you to, say, develop a fake illness that makes sense? We hope so.

(nypost.com)

Previously:

No One Believes Jeremy Piven Eats That Much Sushi
Jeremy Piven Drops Out of David Mamet Play, Prompting Mamet to Suggest Piven Should be Shoved Up Someone’s Ass

Rumor Mill: Nicole Richie on "Gossip Girl"?

Lindy Parker — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:20:00 GMT

We're just going to go ahead and say it: we kind of like Nicole Richie. We like the oversized sunglasses, and the rosary tattoo. Even on The Simple Life -- a show we couldn't stand because we loathe Paris Hilton with a deep, albeit irrational, loathing -- we still thought Nicole was kind of funny. And sometimes, now that she's ditched those guano crazy hair extensions, she takes a break from the parade of skinny jeans and ballet flats and gives us a fun, fabulous fashion surprise...

We love those tomato red shoes with the white and silver dress -- we almost don't notice that she's uncomfortably skinny. But enough about us. Let's talk about this rumor that La Richie might be stopping by the Upper East Side to offer Serena Van der Woodsen a little advice on shaking off the dust of her wild child days. According to E!, that visit won't be happening any time soon.

Maybe, she, Joel and Harlow should do a Tori-and-Dean style reality show instead? We're just putting it out there...

January Jones does Vanity Fair a Favor

Olivia Purnell — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:00:00 GMT

January Jones is great on Mad Men as Betty Draper. Amazing, even. That’s part of why we’re excited about her upcoming involvement in The Boat That Rocked (starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, thank you very much). But we’re also glad about her role in this feature film, because it gives Vanity Fair an excuse to interview January. And that interview gives January an excuse to grace VF’s pages with her old-school glamour. She is gorgeous.

Take a look:

We wouldn’t be surprised to come across a note from January to . . . everybody. That note would say:

Vanity Fair, World, you’re welcome

Xoxo,
JJ

(vanityfair.com)