Look, Mr. T -- may we call you T? Okay, Ice. Would you like something to drink? No? All right, let's get down to it: We at F! Fakereality Television think you'd be the perfect person to feature in a new reality-TV series. We know the Gen X-ers love you, especially since you were one of the first gangsta rappers and appeared in youth films like Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Of course, then there's the fact that you once wrote and sang a song called "Cop Killer," but now you play a detective on TV. Ironic, huh? Although we've noticed that they don't give you much to do on Law & Order: SVU anymore. But we're sure that's just because the two leads are so darn good-looking. It's not like Belzer's out in front of every crime scene either, right?
Anyway, it's obvious that you have some free time, seeing as you appeared on Celebrity Family Feud last night. By the way. . . that was brilliant! The fact that your very first answer to a question was "penis"? Outrageous! And that blonde-bombshell wife of yours, in that low-cut outfit. . . poor Al Roker could barely bring himself to look at her! We couldn't ask for a better supporting character. Meanwhile, your teenage son seems perfectly normal -- the kids are gonna eat him up. In a good way.
So, what do you say? Oh, you're afraid of losing your street cred? Um. . . dude, you appeared on Celebrity Family Feud. With Joan Rivers. That ship has pretty much sailed, like, forever. Okay, great. Sign here, and here, and here. Believe us, you won't regret this. Much.
Photo: Rolling Stone
