Charlie, Charlie, Charlie... Is everything OK?
'Cause we see you every night -- no, literally, every single night -- and we have to say: you been looking a little... what? Bored? Distracted? Sleepy? Not sure what it is. Maybe like everyone else in the world, you're still hungover from the election. Maybe you had some money in Madoff's Ponzi scheme that we didn't know about. Maybe Ellen Barkin won't respond to your Facebook poke. (Probably it's the recession forcing you to lay off people you clearly appreciated and relied upon.)
Well, whatever it is, get over it. We don't call you "Charles Rosé" around the Remote Island offices for nothin'. On your best days, you're suave, you won't take no for an answer, and you got the best job in the world and know it. So we've got a few ideas that'll put a pep back in your step in 2009!
1) Maybe that pig's heart you got installed in France in 2006 needs an update? We like pigs -- like us, they're loyal and they love to lay around in their own swill -- but maybe switch it up a little this time. We'd suggest going with either a monkey or a bear. Either one would be strong, but there are caveats. With a monkey heart, you might try to pick nits from your guest's hair, and with a bear heart, well, you'd probably never get Colbert on the program. So choose wisely.
2) Get more sexy womenz up in that piece! We see how you get when Angelina Jolie's at the table with you -- you're like a horny kid at porno Christmas. Well, keep at it man! And don't wait for Cate Blanchett or Jhumpa Lahiri's people to return your calls. Heidi Klum, the ladies of House, Madonna even! Heck, go crazy; Tila Tequila's got a book, right? Hell, dude, let the Real Housewives of New York bring their own liquor and you'll all forget there are cameras, know what we're saying? ("Orgy"; we're saying "Orgy".)
3) Mix up the hair a little. Just 'cause you're on PBS doesn't mean you have to look PBS. Maybe a faux 'hawk, like Maddox Jolie-Pitt, or slicked back like Bowzer of Sha Na Na. Grease for peace, Chuck, and next time Krugman starts going on about his Nobel, you can be like "Talk to the hand, Paulie" and lead Doris Kearns Goodwin off to your office's make-out nook.
4 ) Get just a little more hip. Look, you're not Larry King or anything, fawning over the Osmonds and Manilow, but when your producers book, say, Jay-Z, try not to use phrases like "rap music" or "the n word." Check with Louis C.K. about that last one. Perhaps you could have a producer in charge of hipness. While we're at it, know when folks are messing with you. You had Adam Sandler on a while back, and you said "I was talking with Oprah the other day..." To which he said "Oprah who?" And you said "Oprah Winfrey." He was messing with you, Charlie. People do that sometimes to PBS broadcasters. Be ready.
5) We're not saying you need Botox or surgery or anything. You're an A1 mack daddy and a Grade A pimp and have forgotten more about clandestinely palming the asses of women than we will ever know. All we're saying is they're gonna charge you extra next time you fly with those bags under your eyes, so maybe drop by Kiehl's or something?
Lastly - and this is us thinking a little bit outside the box -brawls. Serious. Knock-down, drag out fistfights, Springer-style. They don't have to make sense - just surprise us. Like, Sir Ben Kingsley says something about preparing to play Gandhi and then someone flies out of the studio audience and tackles him. Henry Kissinger discusses the foreign policy changes the United States has to make and you suddenly hit him with your chair. Think of the excitement! Imagine the tension!
Intelligent conversation only gets us so far, Charlie.
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Charlie Rose And Bjork Make For Really Weird TV
Charlie Rose Going No Tie?
