The Remote Island

The Matt Lauer Celebrity Roast with Tom "Shecky" Cruise

Posted by Jake Kalish

Friday saw a celebrity roast of Matt Lauer at New York's Friars Club, and America's favorite creepy Scientologist kept the zingers flying right at his former prescription pill antagonist. "Believe it or not, Matt and I are friends," said Tom Cruise, before channeling Don Rickles.

Okay, we don't believe that, any more than we believe Cruise is now best buds with Brooke Shields, the subject of this whole p.r. meltdown a few years back. Can you say image makeover? What about damage control? Still, Les Grossman can be as phony as he wants to be, so long as he keeps making jokes about stuff like Lauer telling him to talk like a raving maniac about Katie Holmes on Oprah: "Hey, hey, Top Gun...don't be glib...You know, go crazy, man. Trust me, people will love you for it." Hah! Actually, we kind of like crazy Tom Cruise more than we like the Tom Cruise whose people tell him to joke around about acting crazy. Hey, hey, Top Gun...don't be so self-aware.

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights http://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1


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About Jake Kalish

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights http://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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