Showtime has picked up two more seasons of Dexter, and HBO's looking for one more year of Entourage -- but as yet no word yet about Californication being picked up. Two months ago, we'd have thought that would have something to do with the show having trouble recovering from that happy ending the writers had Hank Moody land himself in at the end of Season One. But today, of course, we know that David Duchovny is, like Hank, something of a dog, and we can't help but wonder if the network or viewers aren't having trouble commiting to the show in reaction.
We also can't help but wonder what Fox "Spooky" Mulder would think about all this. Sure, he had a thing for porn, but unlike Hank Moody, he was straight-laced, honorable, and loyal. Sure, he's also monomaniacal and obsessive, but would he ever treat Dana Scully the way Hank's been treating his Karen and Becca -- or heck, the way Duchovny's been treating his Missus? Seems unlikely. Seems to us like he'd wind up giving both Hank and Dave the old Federal-1-2, if you know what we mean.
And so, this week, in our
continuing series of Imaginary Fights based on the recently unearthed
writings of Zorastrian cryptopopculuralist Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, we submit for
your approval: a brawl between Fox Mulder and Hank Moody... for the
very soul (and possibly the crotch) of Mr. David Duchovny!
FOX MULDER
|
HANK MOODY
|
Mission: Uncovering the truth behind the lies
|
Mission: Uncovering the women behind their clothes |
| Foxy sidekick: FBI Agent Scully/Gillian Anderson |
Foxy sidekick: Karen/Natasha McElhone |
| Function: Dirk Diggler-size star of sci-fi dorks' wildest conspiracy fantasies |
Function: Dirk Diggler-size star of David Duchovny's wildest “I'm a horny, brilliant artist” fantasies |
THE FIGHT
Mulder is called to investigate a paranormal occurrence; namely, Hank getting really drunk and going down on an alien. Imbued with the magical powers of the Martian clitoris, Hank proves a formidable foe; but when Scully comes in as backup, the pistol-packing ice queen leaves him distracted, engorged, and vulnerable to a sneak attack by Mulder, who delivers the winning blow, and by the alien, who's pissed that he doesn't remember her name.
WINNER: FOX MULDER
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary Fights: Dwight Schrute vs. Gareth Keenan
Imaginary Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."
Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner
