The Remote Island

Imaginary TV Fights: Lance Bass vs. Joey Fatone

Posted by Bryan Christian

 

And so Lance Bass survived yet another week on Dancing With The Stars. Now that Brooke Burke's had that mysterious foot injury, we wonder whether he's gonna take it all the way... and how hard he's willing to push himself to get there. Will Cloris Leachman suddenly find her Geritol switched with Mexican speed? Will Susan Lucci find her coveted Emmy laced with LSD? Will we quit thinking about drugs today? More importantly, can anyone stop Lance Bass in his inevitable quest to rule first the Reality Dancing genre, then the world and the stars beyond?

Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, cryptopopculturalist, racounteur, and occasional narcotics mule, thinks he's found the one man capable of defeating Mr. Bass. Someone perfectly in sync, if you will, with him in the arenas of boy band dancing and charismatic TV hosting duties. Today's question: Who would win... Lance Bass... or Joey Fatone?

 

JOEY FATONE
LANCE BASS
Appearance: Looks like he just exited a pizzeria, entered a boy band
Appearance: Looks like he just exited a boy, entered a boy band
Best Friend: Lance Bass Best Friend: Joey Fatone
Trademark Fighting Move: Burying you under his pile of money Trademark Fighting Move: Leaping out of the closet at you when you're not looking

THE FIGHT

Joey “Calzone” Fatone comes into the ring kicking against Lance “Open Mouthed” Bass, but finds his former bandmate using the same fighting technique, kicking in the exact same place at the exact same time. They each step back, punch, twirl, slide, karate chop, clutch at their heart, grab their crotch, and wave their arms above their head. It's as though they know each other's every move! Since it's like fighting the mirror, neither man can gain an upper hand, and after three-and-a-half hours, they are forced to clear out of the stadium... to make way for JT's sold-out concert. Bye bye bye!



WINNER: DRAW!

 

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press


PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos

Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."


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About Bryan Christian

Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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