More blogging about this season of Heroes from Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, and reclining superhero whose secret ability is being able to see images from other times and places... through the magic screen in his secret lair!!! Oh, also, he's invisible; you knew that, right?:
Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Sorry, having trouble composing my thoughts into anything more than primal screams of anger, fear, confusion, and worry. I'm like a lion cub separated from its pride. Who just had to sit through the worst television program ever. I'm serious. You know how I said last episode was a step forward? Well, this episode was Daphne the Speedster high-tailing it backward.
We start with narrator guy telling me Arthur Petrelli is "The most powerful villain of all." Okay, then I guess he is. Kind of thought you were supposed to show me that stuff, television being a visual medium, but I'll take your word for it. Then we're with Hiro and Ando, just before Hiro stabs Ando. Sure enough, as I suspected, it's not a real stabbing - but it's worse than that. Hiro time travels back a few minutes to get a phony dull sword and a fake bag of blood, and tell Ando to fake his death.
Ando's Superpower: Acting! Genius! Thank You! (Sorry, that's an old-ass reference. Here.)
Meanwhile, Claire's all teenagery, wanting to fight bad guys, and her adoptive mother decides to go with her. Pardon me:
AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It isn't just that this makes absolutely no sense, or that Claire has to be out of her mind to allow her ditzy mother, who can't even remember where she put the dog, out to fight a supervillain. It's also that the actress who plays Claire's mother is mind-blowingly awful. Reaction shots are one thing; don't actually give her something to do. Also, sorry, but not everybody gets to be a superhero. A good thing about Season One was the difference between public and private lives, heroes and regular folks. But now Claire's mom is fighting crime, and Mohinder's sticking people in webs. But we'll get to him later. Claire and Mom are after the pervy Puppeteer, the one good, creepy thing about this whole show. The Puppeteer has Claire's biological mom captive, and is trying to make her love him. Didn't he ever hear that Bonnie Raitt song? Then the guy from The Wire takes Adam Monroe in to see Arthur Petrelli, and explains his special power: "I get strong off other people's fear."
Q: Why they gotta give that power to the black guy?
Arthur Petrelli grabs Adam Monroe's hand and makes him age until he becomes dust. I'll give it a chance, but this Arthur Petrelli thing has a real deus ex machina feel to it.
Arthur Petrelli's Superpower: tying up plotlines.
Tracy and Nathan go to meet Dr. Soresh to talk about this mysterious (and also newly intoduced) Dr. Zimmerman, who gave them their powers. And Parkman meets Daphne, who he knows from his headphone-induced African visions he will marry in the future. But when he starts telling a woman he just met they're soulmates, she thinks he's "stalky." Mohinder takes Tracy and Nathan down with the needle that's supposed to help them, and is clearly waiting to put them in his web like foxy Maya, who needs to bust out of that web and save this episode with her superhuman hotness. No such luck. Daphne tries to spring Sylar and get him to work with her, handing him the new Pinehearst Industries card, which has that sinister infinity symbol. Which is about how many years it will take for me to recover from this episode.
The pervy Puppeteer figures out Claire's adoptive mom is after him, and takes control of her. Don't fight crime with your mother. He gets Claire, biological mom, and adoptive mom to play Russian Roulette - but when adoptive mom shoots Claire, she of course can't die, and while he's doing the cliched villainous premature celebration, Claire comes up from behind and knocks him out. And just like that, the one cool thing about the episode is gone. Oh, hold up a sec.
I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME, TIM KRING. I WILL NEVER GET THIS HOUR OF MY LIFE BACK.
Okay, sorry. Daphne goes to visit Soresh, and sees his evil webs. She should totally spring foxy Maya from the evil web and start making out with her. It would make as much sense as anything else. Doesn't happen. Now Peter Petrelli and Sylar visit Angela Petrelli, and PP looks inside his mom's head to see what's wrong, and sees that same double helix-ish infinity-y symbol. I know, I'm supposed to be intrigued. Then, for reasons that aren't totally clear, Peter and Sylar get into a fight, and Petey beats his bro's ass. This is at least some action, but then it only amounts to Sylar being back in his cell. Where he's been for the better part of forever.
Zachary Quinto's Weakness: Rooms on the Universal Lot that look like prison wards
Tracy and Nathan are shackled and lying down in Mohinder's lab, and Tracy starts talking to Mohinder sympathetically about what he's going through, and reaches out her hand. He takes it, and she freezes him, but only enough for him to fall backward dramatically. Apologies:
My Weakness: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is so dumb. This guy's a genius scientist and he can't figure out he shouldn't take the hand of his captive, who he's already seen freeze things with her hands? Back to Daphne and Parkman, who tells the wife of his dreams that Pinehearst Industries will kill her. Not the way to get the girl. The African spirit guide shows Hiro and Ando paintings of "the villains you seek." Cut to these villains, and Peter Petrelli trying to stop them. Then he sees the leader is his dad, who he assumed to be dead. Arthur Petrelli says "come give your father a hug," and then , during the hug, takes all his son's powers, like it was his bouncy ball. That's right, same stupid elementary school "come over here" trick twice in ten minutes, after starting with the Hiro and Ando fake blood gag. My prediction is episode 6 will be entitled "Hey! Your Shoelace is Untied."
To Be Continued......
-- Jake Kalish
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