The Remote Island

Imaginary TV Fights: Stamos vs. Stamos

Posted by Bryan Christian

 

We know, we know: it's Thursday again, and we're all bummed that ER is ending right when John Stamos got there! But when you get right down to it, is it really John Stamos? After filling the medical booties of both George Clooney and Goran Visnjic, is he really the lovable galoot we all knew and loved on Full House, or is he just another close cropped, sensitive swarther? We bet Uncle Jesse, with his brawny musician arms and whiplash smile could totally kick ER guy's ass. Hey...

Great idea! So here he is: Jake Kalish, author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights, with the latest in our own series of imaginary fights. This week: Stamos vs. Stamos!

 

JESSE KATSOPOLIS OF FULL HOUSE TONY GATES OF ER
Occupations: Lead Singer of Jesse and the Rippers / Exterminator / Advertising Executive / Radio Host / Nightclub Owner / Occasional Beach Boy Occupations: Paramedic/ER Intern/ER Resident
Overshadowed by: Those precious Olsen twins Overshadowed by: Those precious gunshot victims
Trademark Fighting Move: The cringe-inducing life lesson Trademark Fighting Move: "Accidental" misdiagnosis

 

THE FIGHT

Fiery rebel Tony Gates is the favorite against softhearted rebel Uncle Jesse, but upon entering the ring, finds he himself helplessly drawn to Jesse's dynamic Grecian beauty. Jesse gazes back into the deep, masculine pools that are Tony's eyes, and, with a passion that shakes Mount Olympus... the two Stamoses become as one. Unfortunately, Tony is so overcome by eros that he forgets about the scalpel in his hand, and accidentally castrates Jesse.

 

WINNER: TONY GATES

 

JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s ­Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.

Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press


PREVIOUSLY:
Imaginary TV Fights: "Dexter" vs. Everybody From "C.S.I."

Imaginary TV Fights: Old "90210" vs. New "90210"
Imaginary TV Fights: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner


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About Bryan Christian

Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

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    Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

    Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

    Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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    Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

    Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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