Sure, this weekend's Emmys got us all thinking about nice stuff like the rewards of a job well done, the power of television as a communication medium, and Tina Fey cleaned up real purty. But we know what you were really thinking about. You were wondering whether Jon Hamm couldn't have just tackled Bryan Cranston and taken the Best Actor (Drama) award for himself. You were wondering why Neil Patrick Harris hasn't challenged Jeremy Piven to a duel. You wanted Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter to shove Glenn Close out of the way and decide this like animals. (No, not "cougars"; don't be tacky.)
Well, we were wondering the same things too! Which is why we are now inaugurating a new feature on The Remote Island: Imaginary TV Fights. Fights that we all know could happen -- should happen -- on our televisions, but somehow never will. Maybe we can't get real-life actors to battle it out, but darned if we can't determine which of their characters would reign supreme in a full contact deathmatch. (You can't argue with science!)
Our guide through this Alternate History Channel will be Jake Kalish, raconteur and cryptopopculturalist, whose book Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is helping worldwide to settle the question "Who'd win?" Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Muhammed Ali or Bruce Lee? Voltaire or Voltron? We contacted Kalish in his palatial Aspen estate and asked him to consider the many untapped wells of violence and domination that exist throughout The Vast Wasteland and identify a few of the most intriguing ones. Here is the first: the many sides of William Shatner duking it out in a threeway battle of the stars! (Well, "star," anyway.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK (Star Trek)
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T.J. HOOKER |
DENNY CRANE (Boston Legal)
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| Trademark Fighting Move: Confusing Klingons with inexplicable line readings |
Trademark fighting move: Confusing hardened criminals with inexplicable line readings |
Trademark Fighting Move: Slashing prices on flights by over 50% |
| Mission: To boldly go where no man has gone before (the opposite of Sulu's mission) |
Mission: To team with the second host of Dance Fever and young Heather Locklear to rid the streets of worthless scum |
Mission: Out-weirding James Spader |
| Tools of his trade: Phaser, girdle |
Tools of his trade: Pistol, girdle |
Tools of his trade: Reworked David E. Kelley scripts from his bazillion other law series |
THE FIGHT
Kirk -- fighting in Riverside, Iowa, where they believe he will someday actually exist -- has the hometown advantage, but access to 23rd century technology and a crowd of rabid Trekkies don't exactly hurt either. Hooker and Crane enlist Ricardo Montalban to help their cause, but -- unlike Shatner himself -- they are all inevitably phased out.
WINNER: CAPTAIN KIRK
JAKE KALISH is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Blender, Men’s Fitness, and Playboy, among other publications. He could totally kick your ass.
Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is published by Three Rivers Press
