The Screengrab : the perfect holiday

Unwatchable Recap: 61-70

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Welcome to part four of the Unwatchable halftime report. New Unwatchable content is coming soon (watch this space tomorrow for a special announcement), but before we tackle the 50 worst movies of all time according to you, the IMDb voters, we’re taking a moment to look back at the horrors we’ve already survived. And remember, when I say “we,” I really mean me. I’m the one who actually has to watch that stuff. Your part of this process is simply to read what I write and laugh at my expense. Join me now for another ten classic moments in the annals (or perhaps anals) of Unwatchable.

70. Epic Movie. “The only good news is that, much like Spartans, Epic Movie barely crosses the 60 minute mark before the extended credits, complete with dance sequences and hee-larious outtakes, begin.”

69. The Perfect Holiday. “So far so bland, but on the family holiday movie scale, there’s nothing out of the ordinary to justify The Perfect Holiday’s place in the Bottom 100. Except…I haven’t mentioned Queen Latifah and Terrence Howard, have I? Well, they’re in the movie too, although I’m not sure I could tell you why. I guess they’re angels or magical elves or…some sort of shape-shifting Greek chorus, anyway.”

68. Kazaam. “To his credit, Shaq does an admirable job of convincing us that he is, in fact, seven feet tall. Honestly, I would place little of the blame for Kazaam’s failures at the big man’s big feet, even if they are encased in goofy pointy-toed genie shoes for much of the running time.”

67. Nine Lives. “As a blizzard swirls outside, the very, very boring young people drink wine and exchange snooty quips. One of them – it’s either Tim or Tom or Pete or Paul or Andy, I’m not sure – finds a musty old tome telling the tale of the ancient Scot warrior whose name alone evokes the most primal of terrors: it is he who is called…Murray.”

66. Jail Bait. “Wait – the gun is jail bait? Oh, Edward D. Wood, Jr.! I see what you did there! You got me again.”

65. Meet the Browns. “Basically what we have here is another bowl of Tyler Perry’s usual tepid gumbo of sermonizing, self-help platitudes and ham-handed ensemble comedy.”

64. Angels’ Brigade. “Reasonable people can disagree as to the film’s moment of greatness. Some would single out the beach scene in which the gals strip down to their bikinis and seduce a couple of yahoos responsible for bringing a drug shipment ashore, or perhaps the slow-moving rooftop chase in which Palance barely breaks a sweat in his leisure suit. I would point to the white supremacist group led by Jim Backus in a Sgt. Pepper outfit.”

63. Alone in the Dark. “Of the many fine and noble reasons to take on this Unwatchable project (a paycheck, an outlet for repressed hostility, an excuse to put off watching Berlin Alexanderplatz), the chance to familiarize myself with the oeuvre of Uwe Boll certainly ranks…somewhere.”

62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. “I always associated the Power Rangers with the Teletubbies: Both were programs that, although intended for children, held great appeal for the 420 crowd. Both centered on a group of color-coded characters, one of whom was gay.”

61. Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie. “There are episodes of He-Man from 1983 that are more artistically accomplished.”

71-80
81-90
91-100

Unwatchable #57: “Phat Girlz”

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:30:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Happy New Year, Unwatchablers! Oh, what a mountain of crap we have ahead of us as we continue our assault on the upper reaches of the IMDb Bottom 100 list. We begin the new year with the continuation of a potentially disturbing trend, as Phat Girlz joins such other African-American comedies of recent vintage as The Honeymooners, First Sunday, College Road Trip, Meet the Browns and The Perfect Holiday on the list. Now, I’m not defending any of these movies in and of themselves – as you can see from my posts, I think even the best of them is barely mediocre – but the clustering of said flicks at the sad end of the IMDb spectrum does give me pause. I’m not necessarily suggesting that there’s a preponderance of racist IMDb users skewing the numbers, but it may merit further investigation.

I’d do it myself, but I have another, more pressing task, which is watching Phat Girlz. With the above disclaimer out of the way, I feel comfortable in reporting that Phat Girlz is indeed a bad movie, fully deserving of its spot amongst the Unwatchable. I think it would also be a very bad movie if it happened to be about fat white women, but that happens not to be the case.

Plus-size comedian Mo’Nique is Jazmin Biltmore, a sales clerk in the ladies’ clothing department of a high-end retail outfit. Along with fellow full-figured clerk Stacey (Kendra C. Johnson), Jazmin bemoans the lack of fashionable wear for the large ‘n lovely. Jazmin is an aspiring designer who makes her own (hideous, although we’re supposed to think otherwise) clothes, but her snippy manager refuses to schedule her some face time with the store’s buyer (Eric Roberts, no doubt paying off some gambling debts).

Along with Jazmin’s more, uh, conventionally hot cousin Mia (Joyful Drake), the phat girlz take a vacation trip to a resort where they meet up with a group of Nigerian doctors, including dreamy Tunde (Jimmy Jean-Louis), who falls for Jazmin. It seems that Nigerian men prefer what they call “thick madames” – the bigger the woman, the better. I confess, I don’t know if this was a pre-existing stereotype or if it was invented for this film. (All my Nigerian friends are too busy emailing me with offers to stash their millions in my bank account to worry about the ladies.) In fact, not only do these gentlemen prefer the girth, they shun the fit and trim Mia, dismissing her as a “toothpick.” Personally, I’ve never seen a toothpick with a great rack and a smokin’ ass, but perhaps your finer strip clubs make them available to their best customers.

Pardon my sexism! And pardon the sexism of Phat Girlz, in which all the good men are ripped and rich. I guess the movie wouldn’t be teaching us a valuable lesson if it was, say, Cedric the Entertainer falling for Jazmin. The lesson is, of course, that Jazmin is beautiful inside and out. Except I saw little evidence of her inside beauty on display here; she’s mostly loud, obnoxious and shallow, although she goes through bouts of self-pity just to spice things up.

Other than that, writer/director Nnegest Likke’s movie is dull and predictable, but at least it looks like ass. And I don’t mean Mia’s fine, fine ass.

Previously on Unwatchable:
58. Ed
59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone!
60. Carry On Columbus
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie

The Screengrab Highlight Reel: Dec. 13-26, 2008

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:00:00 GMT

I tell ya what, Santa's work is never done. I'm about ready for a long winter's nap here, but before I nod off, there's a whole shitload of Screengrab posts for me to catch up on. And as usual this time of year, it's all about me. You've got your Mexican Santa, your axe-wielding Santa, your skanky Santa, and of course, the usual undignified begging I have to put up with from grown-ass adults (Dear Santa: Cinematic Comebacks We'd Most Like to See, Parts One, Two, Three and Four).

There's enough Christmas content here to choke a reindeer. You've got a sackful of 12 Days of Christmas reviews, from A Christmas Story to It's a Wonderful Life to The Muppet Christmas Carol. You've got a stocking stuffed with YouTube clips, including The Junky's Christmas, The Insects' Christmas and the 40 Inspiring Speeches of Christmas. You've even got the Christmas Unwatchable, The Perfect Holiday. But if you're anything like me, you're completely Christmas-ed out, so here are the posts I'll be curling up with before my long visit to the Land of Nod:

Tom Cruise, at Midlife, with a Freaking Eyepatch

Movie Audiences No Longer Necessary For Movie Success

Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler Pleases Mankind, Annoys Iran

Take Five: The Squared Circle

Scarlett Johansson Blows. Her Nose! Blows Her Nose!

Screengrab Presents: Cinema's Greatest Comebacks (Parts One, Two, Three, Four and Five)

Unwatchable #69: “The Perfect Holiday”

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Folks, I’m taking the rest of 2008 off the Bottom 100 beat. I need a break and there’s no time like the holidays, am I right? Your regularly scheduled Unwatchable series will resume in the new year, and there can be no doubt 2009 will be one for the history books as we count down the 57 worst movies of all time. But before I call it a year, we have a bit of catching up to do. As you may dimly recall, I had to skip #69 on the list because it was not yet available for home viewing at the time. That excuse has expired, so it’s time for a very special Christmas edition of Unwatchable: The Perfect Holiday.

For the most part, this is your basic, run-of-the-mill holiday warmedy tailored for African-American audiences. Beautiful, well-to-do Nancy (Gabrielle Union) is raising three kids on her own since divorcing hip-hop star J-Jizzy (Charlie Murphy), and all she wants for Christmas is a man under the tree. OK, not literally under the tree. Really, she’d settle for a compliment from a nice fella with no shady ulterior motives. Her daughter informs a department store Santa of this wish, little realizing that under the snowy white beard is a suitable nice fella, songwriter Benjamin (Morris Chestnut).

For reasons that eluded me, Benjamin passes himself off as an office supply salesman as he first compliments, then woos Nancy, much to the chagrin of eldest son John-John (Malik Hammond), who holds out hope of his parents getting back together. We know there’s not much chance of that happening, as J-Jizzy is a self-absorbed, womanizing jackass who can barely be bothered to cobble together a quickie Christmas album. His producer Delicious (Katt Williams) doesn’t smell a hit single until he accidentally plays a demo tape submitted by Benjamin. The tape contains a treacly holiday ballad that would make Lionel Ritchie weep hundred dollar bills, so J-Jizzy rings up Benjamin and offers him a recording deal. Benjamin is excited until he realizes he’s talking to Nancy’s ex-husband and sitcom-ish complications are about to ensue.

So far so bland, but on the family holiday movie scale, there’s nothing out of the ordinary to justify The Perfect Holiday’s place in the Bottom 100. Except…I haven’t mentioned Queen Latifah and Terrence Howard, have I? Well, they’re in the movie too, although I’m not sure I could tell you why. I guess they’re angels or magical elves or…some sort of shape-shifting Greek chorus, anyway. They keep appearing in different guises – security guards, hot dog vendors and such – and Latifah even introduces a little magical realism into the proceedings late in the game. She’s one of the movie’s producers, so I can’t stop her.

Still, that’s hardly enough to warrant a spot as one of the 100 all-time worst, particularly with an appealing and funny supporting cast (notably Murphy, Williams, and Faizon Love) to distract from the ongoing sappiness. The past couple of years alone have seen far worse Christmas movies, including The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause and the deadly Vince Vaughn duo of Fred Claus and Four Christmases. While channel-surfing the other night I came across that atrocity with Ben Affleck and James Gandolfini’s big scary beard. Surely that would have been a very special holiday Unwatchable for us all to enjoy. Ah well, fear not – cinematic sewage galore awaits us in the new year.

Previously on Unwatchable:
58. Ed
59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone!
60. Carry On Columbus
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie

Unwatchable #68: “Kazaam”

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

No, loyal Unwatchable readers, you have not missed an installment. Number 69 on the big list of failure is last year’s The Perfect Holiday, which will not be released on DVD until November. We’ll get back to it then, but meanwhile, let’s move on to the 1996 family movie that made you believe in Shaquille O’Neal as a seven-foot-tall rapping genie.

To his credit, Shaq does an admirable job of convincing us that he is, in fact, seven feet tall. Honestly, I would place little of the blame for Kazaam’s failures at the big man’s big feet, even if they are encased in goofy pointy-toed genie shoes for much of the running time. True, his rapping ability is largely a figment of his imagination. But the fact remains that someone in an office somewhere decided it would be a good idea for the genie played by Shaq to rap, and we can hardly blame the amiable giant for going along with the plan. He may not be much of an actor, but he’s got undeniable charisma and I appreciated his willingness to get silly. I don’t think Kobe Bryant would be caught dead in those MC Hammer pants.

With that, I’ve just about run out of good things to say about Kazaam. Some might tell you it’s a clever conceit that the genie, moving on with the times, has abandoned his traditional bottle for a boombox. I am not among them. Anyway, Kazaam is dislodged from his portable stereo home by Max Connor (Francis Capra, later of Veronica Mars), a mild troublemaker being raised by a single mom. Max gets the traditional three wishes, but he can’t wish for “ethereal” things like a second chance for his estranged father, only material things like a room full of junk food.

At first Kazaam is eager for Max to get his wishes over with so he can get back to his boombox, but when his sensational rapping takes the clubs by storm (even Da Brat is impressed), the big genie starts to get used to life outside the box. Meanwhile, Max gets to know his dad, who, it turns out, is something of a sleazebag. Especially compared to the heroic firefighter mom is dating. Along the way we keep trying not to notice that this is a movie about a little white kid who owns a big black man, but it’s not easy, especially in the scene where Max yells at Kazaam, “I own you!”

I guess it all works out in the end, although I retain some confusion over how Kazaam transforms himself into a ‘djinn’ who actually can grant ethereal wishes. I must have been distracted by all the rapping. So much rapping. Why so much rapping? Let’s blame director Paul Michael Glaser. You know him best as TV’s Starsky, of course, but don’t overlook his directorial career, which began with Band of the Hand in 1986. The only thing I know about Band of the Hand is the theme song by Bob Dylan, which is actually the most listenable thing Dylan produced in the mid-80s, even if I have no idea how or why he did it. Glaser next directed the oddly prescient Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle The Running Man, followed by the hockey romance The Cutting Edge and the basketball comedy The Air Up There. But even with all of those dubious achievements under his belt, it took Kazaam to kill off his career in feature filmmaking. That alone makes it worth three Maurys. Well, that and the rapping.

Previously on Unwatchable:
70. Epic Movie
71. Gigli
72. Meet the Spartans
73. Fascination
74. You Got Served