The Screengrab : postal

Razzies Honor “The Love Guru,” Paris Hilton

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:30:00 GMT

Lest we forget, another set of awards were handed out in Hollywood this weekend. Actually “handed out” is probably a poor choice of words, as it implies that someone actually showed up to receive their Golden Raspberry at the 29th Annual Razzie Awards. That has happened before, but as far as we know, not this year. The Love Guru was dishonored as the Worst Picture of 2008, and its star Mike Myers named Worst Actor. Myers shared Worst Screenplay with Love Guru co-writer Graham Gordy.

Other big losers include:

Worst Actress: Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Director: Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal

Worst Supporting Actress: Paris Hilton, Repo: The Genetic Opera

Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!

Worst Prequel, Remake, Ripoff or Sequel: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Screengrab's 2008 Person of the Year

Scott Von Doviak — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:00:00 GMT

Next to People's Sexiest Man Alive, there is no more coveted honor in Hollywood than Screengrab's Person of the Year. At least, that's what we're hoping; we've never actually done it before. After combing the archives over the past year, I have determined the five individuals who recieved the most coverage - for good or for ill - here at our humble blog. Can you guess Screengrab's Person of the Year? The top five, after the jump:

5. Zooey Deschanel

Described by our Phil Nugent as "the unofficial muse of the Screengrab," Ms. Deschanel has an open invitation to our New Year's Eve party. We celebrated her SXSW performance, her survival of the Shyamalan bomb The Happening, her role in the surprisingly influential All the Real Girls, and her "Sweet Ballad" in Yes Man. Call us, Zooey!

4. Werner Herzog

The year in Werner news began with the director reminiscing over his gravedigging days with Errol Morris. Later, Herzog expounded on his many unmellow moods. More shocking developments arrived with the Cannes Film Festival, at which it was announced that Herzog would remake The Bad Lieutenant, a very bad idea indeed. Abel Ferrara agreed, and a celebrity feud was born. Next, Werner signed a cocktail napkin deal to collaborate with fellow weirdo David Lynch. In the end, Herzog redeemed himself with the acclaimed (here, anyway) Encounters at the End of the World.

3. Heath Ledger

Dying at the beginning of the year is perhaps not the most satisfying path toward Screengrab Person of the Year. We ran the breaking news of his death, the initial coroner's report, the Esquire diaries, the fate of Terry Gilliam's Doctor Parnassus and the somewhat unseemly buzz on Ledger's Oscar chances. We'd prefer he was only on this list for his performance as the Joker, but that's life (and death).

2. Uwe Boll

We're a little hurt that our favorite crapmeister hasn't been in touch to thank us for all the publicity. We've covered everything from the petition urging him to retire to his many feuds to the efforts of a gum company to end his career. We've reviewed his Unwatchables Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, and watched as theaters shunned Postal. Heck, Paul Clark even defended the man! Come on, Uwe. Take out an ad in Variety to thank us already.

1. Scarlett Johansson

Oh Scarlett, what would we do without you? I think you can tell the Screengrab is sharply divided over you. Phil Nugent, for one, has little use for you, as you can probably tell from posts like Scarlett Johansson, Yellow Journalism, Grammys Snub Scarlett, Toast Tia, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds: 2 B 2-Gether 4-Ever and Scarlett Johansson Sings! Sings Tom Waits Songs!! Others of us - like me - are more enamored of your attributes, as you might glean from such posts as Scarlett Johansson, Cover Girl, Your Scarlett Johansson Music Video Has Arrived, and the all-time favorite, And Now Scarlett Johansson Making Out with Penelope Cruz. Either way, there's no denying it: Scarlett Johansson, you are Screengrab's 2008 Person of the Year!

DVD Roundup for August 26, 2008

Paul Clark — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:00:00 GMT

This week’s bumper crop of Westerns necessitates a temporary name change for this column.

DVD of the Week: 1962’s How the West Was Won may not have been the greatest classic Western ever made, but it was almost certainly the biggest, boasting three directors (Henry Hathaway, John Ford, and George Marshall) and an all-star cast (led by John Wayne, Henry Fonda, James Stewart, Gregory Peck, Debbie Reynolds, and Richard Widmark) to tell a Western family saga spanning half a century. In addition, the film boasting some stunning Western vistas designed to fully exploit the three-screen Cinerama process- this was one of only two narrative features to be exhibited using honest-to-goodness Cinerama. The biggest advantage of this week’s new Ultimate Collector’s Edition (Warner, also Blu-Ray) of the film is that it comes closer than any DVD edition to date to replicating the look of Cinerama in digital form. Instead of the “join lines” and standard 2.35:1 ‘Scope framing of previous editions, this new edition of the film features a new technology that effectively unifies the three Cinerama frames into the original aspect ratio of 2.89:1. There are also a number of special features, notably the 2002 documentary Cinerama Adventure that explores the famed camera process, as well as a trailer, archival featurette, audio commentary, and plenty of collectible memorabilia about the film and its stars. Nothing will be quite like watching How the West Was Won in Cinerama, but this new edition makes the home viewing experience better than ever.

In other oater news, this week also brings the Warner Home Video Western Classics Collection, which includes the 1960 remake Cimarron, Escape From Fort Bravo, Many Rivers to Cross, Saddle the Wind, The Law and Jake Wade, and The Stalking Moon, with each film also sold individually. In addition, Warner is also releasing the Errol Flynn Westerns Box Set (Warner), which contains Montana, Rocky Mountain, San Antonio, and Virginia City. And don’t overlook the Blu-Ray only release of Clint Eastwood’s Pale Rider (Warner).

Meanwhile, this week’s recent releases coming to DVD include: Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas (Fox, also Blu-Ray); David Mamet MMA drama Redbelt (Sony, also Blu-Ray); the acclaimed documentary Chicago 10 (Paramount), Lynch (Ryko Entertainment), a documentary about the ever-popular David Lynch; Uwe Boll’s must-see Postal (Universal Music & Video Distribution), costarring former DVD Digest contributor David Huddleston; and the latest release from our pals at Benten Films, Team Picture.

Other classics coming to DVD this week include: a new pressing of Pier Paolo Pasolini’s notorious final film Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom (Criterion); the Henry Selick-directed The Nightmare Before Christmas Collector’s Edition (Disney); Jeunet and Caro’s Delicatessen Special Edition (First Look); and Monica Bellucci’s nude body transforming into a rolling landscape for your enjoyment in Brotherhood of the Wolf: Director’s Cut (Universal).

In TV on DVD, there’s Entourage Season 4 (HBO), Everybody Hates Chris Season 3 (Warner), Heroes Season 2 (Universal, also Blu-Ray), NCIS Season 5 (Paramount), and The Shield Season 6 (Sony).

Finally, this week’s action-packed lineup of Blu-Ray only releases includes: Errol Flynn (again) in The Adventures of Robin Hood (Warner); Gov. Schwarzenegger fighting Satan in End of Days (Universal); the first season of NBC’s Heroes (Universal); Crockett and Tubbs hitting the big screen in Michael Mann’s Miami Vice (Universal), and the submarine thriller U-571 (Universal).

Take Five: Crime and Pyunishment

Leonard Pierce — Fri, 23 May 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Okay, so there's a new Uwe Boll movie coming out. Big deal, says we. Sure, we're curious about how the Teutonic uber-hack managed to get Dave Foley to star in his new film (Postal, opening in limited release today). And sure, we're even more curious about how he got Dave Foley to do a nude scene. And yes, we must admit that there is something oddly compelling about a filmmaker so universally reviled that a chewing gum manufacturer has helped sponsor a petition to get him to stop directing movies, and who is himself so adamant that he is a cinematical genius that he has challenged his critics to meet him in the boxing ring. But however rotten this German-come-lately may be -- and he's plenty rotten -- for us here at the Screengrab, there is only one true heir to the crappy moviemaking throne vacated by Ed Wood, and that man's name is Albert Pyun. The Hack From Hawaii -- who directed his first film in 1982, only four years after Ed Wood's death -- has been responsible for over forty films and direct-to-video releases, at least one of which has already turned up on movie janitor Scott Von Doviak's "Unwatchable" list. Both in his ridiculously prolific output and his utter lack of talent and shame, Albert Pyun leaves Uwe Boll in the dust. So instead of trying to find a theater willing to screen Postal this weekend, why not settle down for a film festival with our man Big Al? To help you in this terrifying endeavor, we've assembled a list of five of Pyun's best works -- and we use the word "best" in the loosest possible application to which the word has ever been put.

THE SWORD AND THE SORCERER (1982)

Albert Pyun's first screen credit -- as both director and writer -- is a real doozy that sets the tone for his innumerable too-cheap-to-be-camp movies to come. A standard-issue steel-and-spells epic ripped straight out of Albert's Friday night dorm room Dungeons & Dragons games, The Sword and the Sorcerer cost about nine dollars to make, with a script too dull for TV and special effects that would have seemed hokey in 1972. The real treat here is the cavalcade of has-beens populating the cast: there's well-past-his-prime teen idol George Maharis, his suntan decaying before our very eyes; future Murphy Brown fixture Joe Regalbuto; hulking, self-serious Night Court golem Richard Moll; coked-out Nina Van Pallandt, a million miles from The Long Goodbye; unreconstructed manimal Simon McCorkindale; and, in the lead, none other than Matt Houston star Lee Horsley! Sadly, this collection of fourth-stringers would be the hottest cast Pyun would ever work with. It would be all downhill from here.

CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990)

Oh, sure, everyone wants to see superhero movies now. But we can remember a time when the mere whiff of a mask or cowl was the kiss of death at the box office, largely because of grade-Z capesploitation movies like this. Never before have the adventures of America's living legend, super-soldier Steve Rogers, seemed so completely perfunctory; even Matt Salinger, whose career wouldn't exactly reach to the stratosphere after this dud, doesn't seem to be any happier about being Captain America than we are about having to watch him be Captain America. Still, he's at least better than nonentity Scott Paulin, hamming it up beyond belief as the supervillainous Nazi the Red Skull, while industry vets like Ronny Cox and Darren McGavin stand around sheepishly trying not to look embarrassed. Captain America rides his tricked-out motorbike around a lot, says "shucks" and "gee whiz", and the audience hits pause on the remote control to see if there are any uppers left in the medicine cabinet to get them through the longest 97 minutes of their lives.

KICKBOXER 2: THE ROAD BACK (1991)

Our own movie janitor Scott Von Doviak has already been forced to contend with one of Albert Pyun's cinematic abortions in the form of Kickboxer 4: The Aggressor. But not only is that not one of Albert Pyun's worst movies, it's arguably not even Albert Pyun's worst movie with the word "kickboxer" in the title. That dubious honor may just belong to Kickboxer 2: The Road Back, featuring hand-carved dingaling Sasha Mitchell as a man hoping to follow in his brother's footsteps in the highly lucrative career of kicking people in the face. Featuring some of the worst dialogue in the history of kickboxing films, Kickboxer 2 manages the astonishing trick of not only featuring both Peter Boyle and Brian Austin Green, but making you feel sorry for both of them. It's an agonizing wait between kickboxing scenes, but the bits of plot and dialogue are so abysmal you'll begin praying for another kickfight to break out. The movie's tagline was "Put up, shut up, or die!", but sadly, Pyun did none of those things.

BRAIN SMASHER...A LOVE STORY (1994)

By the time this movie rolled around, Albert Pyun had truly found his metier: cheap, exploitative direct-to-video releases timed to take the slightest possible advantage of the flavor of the moment. Or, in this case, the flavor of many, many moments ago. It's a testament to Pyun's impenetrable thickness as an auteur that he decided the moment was right to write and direct an action movie built around the antics of faux-goombah Andrew Dice Clay some three years after the Dice-Man's star had already begun quite seriously to wane. Plodding along in a nebulous phantom zone between sincerity and irony, this half-joking action flick was clearly made by someone who understood neither sincerity nor irony, and the result is an enervating mess that isn't even gleefully offensive, the one quality Dice Clay's standup had going for it; it's just dull. Still, you have to give it up: as much as you might hate this movie -- and you'll hate it, a lot -- you gotta love that title.

URBAN MENACE (1999)

The staggeringly bad Urban Menace was not the first abysmal hip-hop action/horror flick that Albert Pyun would make. It was also not the last. But it was, without question, the absolute worst. The closest thing in Pyun's bloated catalog, in both technique and spirit, to the godawful films of Ed Wood, Urban Menace stars Snoop Doggy Dogg's highly unconvincing stunt double in a movie that knows how bad it sucks and simply doesn't give a shit. The majority of its running time features the stars running around aimlessly in an abandonded warehouse; the script probably took less time to write than the movie takes to watch; and the best thing you can say about the acting is that, in the case of rapper Fat Joe, at least his lines are delivered with such mush-mouthed incompetence that it spares you from having to hear any more of the terrible dialogue. (The film, amazingly, claims four different scriptwriters. Which one of the four will own up to "We got a whole army of motherfuckers and we can still get punished by this skinny guy psycho?")

Theaters Won’t Go “Postal” For Uwe Boll

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:30:00 GMT

We can’t confirm the online petition had anything to do with it. We’re not sure the possibility of free Stride Gum played a part. But it looks the planned May 23rd release of Uwe Boll’s Postal has hit a snag.

Per CinemaBlend, Boll has issued a statement claiming that the wide release scheduled for next weekend will not happen. “Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content…We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they're afraid.”

You may recall that Postal, Boll’s latest videogame-based opus, is intended as a “shock comedy” and opens with a scene of the 9/11 terrorists accidentally slamming into the Twin Towers when passengers overwhelm their attempts to divert the hijacked plane to the Bahamas. It also features a Nazi theme park owned by Uwe Boll, and a scene in which little person Verne Troyer is shoved into a suitcase. I know, now you really want to see it, but you’re out of luck unless you live near one of the four theaters in which the film will actually open.

“We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles,” the statement continues, “and they won't let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book Postal! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don't think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.”

At least he’s not urging audiences to go postal on theater employees. Not yet, anyway.

Long-Lasting Gum Does Its Part to Chew Uwe Boll Out of the Business

Phil Nugent — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:00:00 GMT

It has come to our attention--mainly because they sent us a press release about it--that Stride Gum, the ridiculously long-lasting gum, has jumped on board the anti-Uwe Boll bandwagon. To do its part, the company has pledged to dole out a million packs of gum if the petition urging Boll to shred his Directors' Guild card reaches the required one million signatures. (Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the underground lair he sublets from the Monarch, Paul Clark shakes his black-gloved fist.) Who knew the CEO of Stride Gum was such a movie geek? Actually, it appears that this is the company's way of declaring its allegiance to the video-gamers it sees as an important part of its demographic. “Since gamers are one of our most supportive groups, we’ve been looking for ways to return the favor,” said Gary Osifchin, Stride North American Marketing Director. “And what better way is there to get gamers’ backs than by helping them rescue their cherished videogames from the clutches of Uwe Boll?” Osifchin added, "Look, it's nothing personal against the guy. Maybe his non videogame-based films are unbelievable!" (Uwe Boll has made non-videogame-based films? I guess it's possible--Wes Craven once made a music appreciation movie starring Maryl Streep, and then there's that Bill Murray remake of The Razor's Edge--but it still seems wrong.) If the petition racks up its millionth signature between May 7 and May 14, 5 P.M. EST, each signer will receive "a digital coupon for a pack of gum, downloadable on May 23, 2008," which is the day that Boll's Postal, featuring Verne Troyer in the challenging dual role of "Himself" and "Voice of Krotchy", is set to hit theaters. I don't know if there's anyone out there who regards the two most important things in life as chewing free gum and someday getting to see BloodRayne 3, but if there is, I'd imagine there's some internal conflict going on right now.

Before we get in trouble here, let us stress that our reporting this news does not in any way represent a paid or unpaid testimonial for Stride Gum. We ourselves have never tried Stride Gum, but not because we have any particular reason for avoiding it. We just haven't used chewing gum since we were eight years old and somebody told us you weren't supposed to swallow it. (But we used to get so hungry sometimes, waiting for Mama to come back from the bar where she'd go to visit Uncle Fred, and Uncle Jerry, and Uncle Marshall, and Uncle Zeke...) This guy we know who spends his days sitting in front of the entrance to the Columbus Circle subway station did once tell us that it's like chewing a dead rat soaked in battery acid, but he also has an ornate theory about how Princess Diana was killed because she knew about a sex tape featuring the Pope and Bela Lugosi, so any consumer advisories from him should probably be taken with a grain of salt. The important thing is that Uwe Boll is really bringing people together, in ways that bad directors never dreamed might be possible in Ed Wood's or Phil Tucker's day. Big blue marble!

Uwe Boll: I Am the Only F**king Genius in the Whole Business

John Constantine — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:20:00 GMT

Uwe, Uwe, Uwe. You need to know that the delusion goggles you wear do nothing. As we mentioned this past Monday, Uwe Boll sent an inadvertent challenge to his haters when he said he’d cease making movies if one million people signed a petition in the interests of making him stop. After nearly 150,000 individuals with moderate to good taste signed said petition, Uwe released the following statement on Youtube. NO ONE CALLS MICHAEL BAY A FUCKING RETARD IN MY TOWN! You, sir, are damn lucky that you’re not still inviting critics to box you. I’m a biter and you better believe I would have pieces of you.

Our thanks, once again, to Cinematical for the continuing Boll coverage.

One Million Uwe Boll Haters Can’t Be Wrong

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Via Cinematical comes news that schlockmeister Uwe Boll either has a sense of humor about himself or at least would like us to believe he does. Boll, who specializes in brainless action and horror movies often based on videogames (House of the Dead, BloodRayne), is perhaps best known to those who avoid his movies like they’re radioactive for challenging his critics to fight him in the boxing ring. But is Boll finally tired of fighting?

After a screening of his latest exercise in videogame-based bad taste Postal (which opens with a scene of the 9/11 hijackers realizing there won’t be enough virgins for them in the afterlife as they hurtle towards the World Trade Center, and presumably only gets more hilarious from there), Boll chatted with FEARnet and proved he’s full of surprises. For one thing, he seems to take criticism more seriously than you’d guess. “I think the New York Times guy liked it,” he says, in reference to the Postal screening. “In all of the game-based movies, we got better and better. We took the critics and the Internet into account, and we got better with the script, and we got better with the characters and the stories. If you see Alone in the Dark, and later Bloodrayne and In the Name of the King, I think there is a quality difference in everything.”

We’ll just take his word for that. Boll goes on to call himself “a little Nazi pervert” and reveal that he is a PETA supporter (“one-hundred percent of my Seed horror movie goes to PETA”). But the most encouraging news is his response to the news that there’s an online petition with 18,000 signatures, demanding that Boll stop making movies. “Yeah, I know that. 18,000 is not enough to convince me…One million. Now we have a new goal.”

Here’s the petition. Do what you feel is right.