Unwatchable #38: “Chairman of the Board”

Scott Von Doviak — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

The history of prop comics successfully making the transition to leading men of cinema is a short one. And when I say short, I actually mean nonexistent. If anyone was going to pull it off, you’d figure it would be Gallagher, or at least his evil brother Gallagher II. Neither Gallagher, however, even attempted a run at stardom on the silver screen. As for other prop comics…well, it’s hard to think of any. Wikipedia claims Rip Taylor counts, even though his only prop of note is his ubiquitous bag of confetti. They also include Harpo Marx on their roster of prop comics, which may technically be true, but let’s get real. The hall of prop comic fame basically boils down to Gallagher, who never starred in a movie, and Carrot Top, who starred in one. This is that movie.

The Carrot Top of 1998’s Chairman of the Board is not the steroidal, absurdly over-muscled alien of today – and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, get a load of this…this…thing:

Sorry I had to do that to you, but Jesus! What the hell is wrong with some people? It’s not that Mr. Top was any prize in his scrawny Chairman of the Board incarnation – he’s still got the fishy face and frizzy orange mane – but at least he didn’t look like he was auditioning for the lead role in RoboClown. The task for director Alex Zamm (The Pooch and the Pauper, straight-to-DVD sequels to Inspector Gadget and Dr. Dolittle) and his team of writers was a daunting one: build a movie around this goofball. They took the path of least resistance, casting the Carrot as an inventor named Edison – a zany inventor of items (ketchup gun, anatomically correct fanny pack) that wouldn’t look out of place in a prop comic’s supply trunk – and surrounding him with a Pee-Wee’s Beach House production design. Edison is a Venice Beach surfer dude whose notebook full of inspiration has yet to yield a profitable idea. One afternoon he has a chat with wealthy executive Armand McMillan (Jack Warden), a fellow surfer and dreamer. When Armand kicks the bucket shortly thereafter, Edison is stunned to learn he’s inherited the multi-million dollar McMillan corporation – although not as stunned as Armand’s son Bradford (Larry Miller), who had planned on assuming the mantle of…chairman of the board.

While Bradford schemes to regain control of the company, Edison becomes the toast of the boardroom by averting a worker’s strike and concocting a best-selling line of TV dinners with actual miniature televisions included in the trays. He also woos executive Natalie Stockwell, played by the lovely Courtney Thorne-Smith, who must be one hell of a good sport. As if it’s not bad enough she’s spent the past eight years cuddling up to Jim Belushi in the quintessential “fat guy with hot wife” sitcom According to Jim, she’s also smooched the rubbery lips of Carrot Top.

If not for its star, Chairman of the Board would merely be a witless, infantile comedy devoid of laughs, but there is some fun to be had in trying to read the body language of his co-stars as they are forced to interact with this shrill, hyper freak. Larry Miller in particular seems to retreat to a safe place in his mind every time Carrot Top gets near him (perhaps the place where he cashes his paychecks). As it turns out, Chairman of the Board was both the first and last starring vehicle for Mr. Top, but when they start casting the villains for the next Batman movie, I’d advise him to send in a headshot.

Previously on Unwatchable:
39. The Invisible Maniac
40. Son of the Mask
41. Troll 2
42. Zombie Nightmare
43. American Ninja V

Unwatchable #60: “Carry On Columbus”

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Five hundred years later, Carry On Columbus was released in theaters. Oddly enough, there’s actually more evidence that the former event took place than the latter. Reasonable people can argue Columbus’s place in history. There is no reasonable argument for Carry On Columbus, and it has no place in history. Except here.

The Carry On comedies are a British institution – and like the Royal Family, a British institution that has long since outlived its usefulness. Fifty years ago, the first movie in the series, Carry On Sergeant, delighted audiences in the U.K. At least, I must assume it delighted them, as a whopping 30 more Carry On comedies would follow. Some favor Carry On Cleo and Carry On Up the Khyber. Others go to bat for Carry On Screaming or Carry On Camping. Most agree that the series began to lose some steam as it entered the 1970s. Many of the original cast members departed after 1974’s Carry On Dick. Surely Monty Python had made what Wikipedia calls the Carry On films’ “energetic mix of parody, farce, slapstick and double entendres,” obsolete.

After the release of Carry On Emmanuelle in 1978, fourteen years passed during which moviegoers could reasonably assume they had seen the end of this venerable tradition. Yet Carry On carried on. In 1992, in honor of the Columbus quincentennial, the 31st and almost assuredly worst of the Carry On films was excreted into theaters. What with most of the original cast members being dead or retired, a younger generation of British comedic talent was recruited to debase themselves, including Rik Mayall, Alexei Sayle and Julian Clary. Carry On veteran Jim Dale returns as Chris Columbus, a mapmaker with a plan to cross the gloomy sea, establish a new route to the Indies, and make off with all of their gold. He cuts a deal with the King and Queen of Spain, and they apparently supply him with some seaworthy vessels, although there’s never any attempt made to convince us that Columbus and his crew are actually at sea. I’m fairly certain I participated in school plays with higher budgets than Carry On Columbus.

In the annals (or, if I’m a Carry On character, the anals) of really boring and stupid British historical seafaring comedy, Carry On Columbus ranks well below Yellowbeard or even the soporific Erik the Viking. It’s stunning to think it was actually made in the ‘90s; you would think medical science had brought us no advances in humor since 1958. If you enjoy old-school sniggering innuendo (“Come up my end!”) or jokes that would have slayed your fifth grade classmates (“We just had a leak in the hold!” “Did you? Well, next time go over the side.”), you may find my judgment too harsh. Things pick up ever so slightly when Columbus and company arrive in the New World, to find natives who speak with Brooklyn accents. Their king is played by Larry Miller, who gave me a chuckle or one. I have to say, though, that any chance I might have ever been curious enough to check out the back catalogue of Carry On movies is now greatly diminished.

Previously on Unwatchable:
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
63. Alone in the Dark
64. Angels’ Brigade
65. Meet the Browns

The Screengrab : larry miller

Unwatchable #38: “Chairman of the Board”

Unwatchable #60: “Carry On Columbus”