The Screengrab : four christmases

2008 in Review: Scott Von Doviak's Top 10 Unwatchables of the Year

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:00:00 GMT

As your resident movie janitor, I could hardly wrap up the year without a rundown of 2008's greatest crimes against cinema. As always, I see them so you don't have to.

10. STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS

I have little to add to my earlier rant. The sad thing is, there are still a few George Lucas zombies willing to defend this star dreck.

9. STEP UP 2 THE STREETS

A movie that raises many questions, not least of which is: “There was a Step Up 1?” A teenage street dancer (Briana Evigan, the next Demi Moore, if we needed one) is forced to enroll in an upscale school for the performing arts, leaving her old crew to accuse her of NOT KEEPING IT REELZ. This can only be settled with a dance-off! A thoroughly unconvincing dance-off that looks like an outtake from Night of the Living Dead: The Musical.

8. MAX PAYNE

Here we have a ludicrous new film genre (coincidentally featuring Ludacris): the videogame noir. Based on a first-person shooter game that was influenced by Hong Kong action movies and the "bullet time" effects of The Matrix, Max Payne is at least three steps removed from any semblance of originality. It boasts a stylish surface, but there's nothing new beneath it.

7. THE RUINS

Reviewed here at the time of its release. At least, it was in theaters when I started writing the review; I think it had been pulled by the time I posted it. A gripping, intense read becomes a dead teenager movie with laughable CG effects.

6.TYLER PERRY'S THE FAMILY THAT PREYS

Within the first five minutes of The Family That Preys, four different characters utter some variation on the line, "I need a drink." By the end of this latest Tyler Perry opus, I could definitely relate. Family is a mean-spirited endurance test populated by some of the most unpleasant movie characters in recent history. Perry prides himself on leaving out the sex and violence and making movies the whole family can enjoy. It's hard to imagine families enjoying this one, though; they're more likely to be traumatized when they aren't bored out of their minds.

5. FIRST SUNDAY

So bad that I’ve already covered it here as part of the Unwatchable series. Nuff said.

4. FOUR CHRISTMASES

Here's a movie that spends an hour showing how unpleasant family can be and how grotesque small children are before doing a complete U-turn into sickening sentimentality and hypocritical moralizing. Director Seth Gordon, who made last year's terrific documentary The King of Kong, turns out to be just another sitcom hack. Witherspoon is so chirpy and strident, it's not clear that anyone told her this was supposed to be a comedy. To say that Vaughn is phoning it in these days would be an insult to telecommuters everywhere. Four Christmases with this bunch is four too many.

3. PRIDE AND GLORY

There's nothing wrong with a gritty cop drama, so long as it has something to offer besides grit. Pride and Glory provides murky images, shaky camerawork, a muddy soundtrack, blood by the buckets and profanity by the bushel. It's easy to see why director Gavin O'Connor buried his movie under all this sludge; scrape it away and there's nothing but the most generic "bad cop" movie possible underneath.

2. TRAITOR

Don Cheadle is the world's most boring Muslim - but at least he's not evil like all the other ones! There's very little suspense in this dull, talky thriller, but there is a laughable twist ending for the ages.

1. THE LOVE GURU

Everything you’ve heard is true. This isn’t a case of mass hypnosis or the critical brotherhood sticking together – it really is that bad. Mike Myers described this comedy about a self-help guru’s attempts to help a hockey player win a championship as “a delivery system for some wonderful ideas.” Actually, it’s a delivery system for dick jokes, each one dumber than the last.

Unwatchable #69: “The Perfect Holiday”

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Folks, I’m taking the rest of 2008 off the Bottom 100 beat. I need a break and there’s no time like the holidays, am I right? Your regularly scheduled Unwatchable series will resume in the new year, and there can be no doubt 2009 will be one for the history books as we count down the 57 worst movies of all time. But before I call it a year, we have a bit of catching up to do. As you may dimly recall, I had to skip #69 on the list because it was not yet available for home viewing at the time. That excuse has expired, so it’s time for a very special Christmas edition of Unwatchable: The Perfect Holiday.

For the most part, this is your basic, run-of-the-mill holiday warmedy tailored for African-American audiences. Beautiful, well-to-do Nancy (Gabrielle Union) is raising three kids on her own since divorcing hip-hop star J-Jizzy (Charlie Murphy), and all she wants for Christmas is a man under the tree. OK, not literally under the tree. Really, she’d settle for a compliment from a nice fella with no shady ulterior motives. Her daughter informs a department store Santa of this wish, little realizing that under the snowy white beard is a suitable nice fella, songwriter Benjamin (Morris Chestnut).

For reasons that eluded me, Benjamin passes himself off as an office supply salesman as he first compliments, then woos Nancy, much to the chagrin of eldest son John-John (Malik Hammond), who holds out hope of his parents getting back together. We know there’s not much chance of that happening, as J-Jizzy is a self-absorbed, womanizing jackass who can barely be bothered to cobble together a quickie Christmas album. His producer Delicious (Katt Williams) doesn’t smell a hit single until he accidentally plays a demo tape submitted by Benjamin. The tape contains a treacly holiday ballad that would make Lionel Ritchie weep hundred dollar bills, so J-Jizzy rings up Benjamin and offers him a recording deal. Benjamin is excited until he realizes he’s talking to Nancy’s ex-husband and sitcom-ish complications are about to ensue.

So far so bland, but on the family holiday movie scale, there’s nothing out of the ordinary to justify The Perfect Holiday’s place in the Bottom 100. Except…I haven’t mentioned Queen Latifah and Terrence Howard, have I? Well, they’re in the movie too, although I’m not sure I could tell you why. I guess they’re angels or magical elves or…some sort of shape-shifting Greek chorus, anyway. They keep appearing in different guises – security guards, hot dog vendors and such – and Latifah even introduces a little magical realism into the proceedings late in the game. She’s one of the movie’s producers, so I can’t stop her.

Still, that’s hardly enough to warrant a spot as one of the 100 all-time worst, particularly with an appealing and funny supporting cast (notably Murphy, Williams, and Faizon Love) to distract from the ongoing sappiness. The past couple of years alone have seen far worse Christmas movies, including The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause and the deadly Vince Vaughn duo of Fred Claus and Four Christmases. While channel-surfing the other night I came across that atrocity with Ben Affleck and James Gandolfini’s big scary beard. Surely that would have been a very special holiday Unwatchable for us all to enjoy. Ah well, fear not – cinematic sewage galore awaits us in the new year.

Previously on Unwatchable:
58. Ed
59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone!
60. Carry On Columbus
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie

Morning Deal Report: As "The Crow" Flies

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:00:00 GMT

The good news is: Four Christmases is no longer the number one movie in America. (It slipped to the second spot with a $13.3 million weekend take.) The bad news is: it’s been replaced by The Day the Earth Stood Still. Do people know there’s a perfectly good version of this without Keanu Reeves available at their local video store? If they do, they don’t care, as Day scooped up $31 million of our Earth dollars. Twilight has hit the $150 million total mark; word is that Chris Weitz (American Pie) will take over as director of the sequel, New Moon.

Terminator Salvation is months away from hitting theaters, but a fifth installment in the series has already gotten the green light. Halcyon Co. execs “had originally planned to wait until the release of Terminator Salvation next summer before deciding on whether to proceed with the next chapter, but the positive studio, fan and media reaction to footage from the current pic has encouraged them to move forward ahead of schedule,” Variety reports.

Waiting for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen director Stephen Norrington’s big comeback? Looking forward to a reboot of The Crow series? In the unlikely event you’re a member of both groups, Variety has great news for you. “Stephen Norrington has signed on to write and direct a reinvention of The Crow, based on the comic created by James O’Barr.” Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Related:
New "Terminator" Trilogy on Tap
Forget Christian Bale in Terminator 4, the Israeli Military's Working on T5

Morning Deal Report: Uwe Boll Can't Be Stopped

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Four Christmases remains atop the box office chart, earning an additional $18.2 million over the weekend. The first weekend could have been an accident, but now the blame falls squarely on you, America. The third attempt at launching a Punisher franchise should mercifully be the last, as Punisher: War Zone took in a measly $4 million. Nixon now, more than ever? Frost/Nixon raked in $180,147, which may not look like much until you consider that the film is only playing in three theaters. Potential awards contenders Milk and Slumdog Millionaire also did well in limited release.

Twilight is still hanging in there at number two on the box office list, but that’s not enough to keep Catherine Hardwicke in the director’s chair for the sequel. “Summit and Hardwicke cite Summit's wish to rush the movie into production as one reason for their split. Summit wants to release the picture, which will demand substantial CGI work, by the end of 2009 or the start of 2010. A former production designer, Hardwicke wanted more prep time,” Variety reports.

Uwe Boll cannot be stopped. Lauren Holly and Luke Perry have signed on for the master of disaster’s latest atrocity, The Storm. “In the apocalyptic thriller, Holly plays a dedicated wife and mother who must deal with the end of days scenario -- all heightened by the arrival of a mysterious stranger named Silas (Perry) who holds the key to the approaching doom,” per The Hollywood Reporter.

Related:
Your Thursday Afternoon "Twilight" Roundup
One Million Uwe Boll Haters Can't Be Wrong

Morning Deal Report: "Rome" Redux?

Scott Von Doviak — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Be it ever so crappy, there’s no resisting the new Christmas movie over the long Thanksgiving weekend. The latest evidence is Four Christmases, a big, stinky chunk of holiday coal that nevertheless filled its stocking to the tune of $46.7 million since its Wednesday opening. Bolt nipped Twilight for second place, with both taking in over $26 million. The other major debut was Baz Luhrmann’s Australia, which finished in fifth place with a $20 million total since Wednesday.

Kelsey Grammer and Bebe Neuwirth are reuniting, but not for a big screen version of Frasier. They’ll both play instructors in the remake of Fame, alongside Charles S. Dutton, Megan Mullally and (of course) Debbie Allen as the principal. “As with the 1980 original, the remake follows dancers, singers, actors and artists from auditions to graduation at the New York City High School of Performing Arts,” Variety confirms.

We never got those Deadwood movies (and never really wanted the Carnivale ones), but there is another extinct HBO drama that may see the light of theaters. “Bruno Heller says he wants to produce a theatrical wrap-up to his critically beloved and prematurely canceled HBO drama Rome,” per The Hollywood Reporter. “Heller would not discuss plot ideas, but the original series outline for Rome next called for the hedonistic Roman leaders to deal with the rise of a certain problematic rabbi -- a story line that would have put a whole new spin on the Greatest Story Ever Told and potentially bring Rome a larger audience.”

Related:
Take Five: HBO
Trailer Review: An American Carol

Morning Deal Report: Unleash the War Monkeys

Scott Von Doviak — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:30:00 GMT

I’ve been handling the Morning Deal Report duties here for a few months now, and aside from all the comic book adaptations and unnecessary sequels, there’s one thing that’s been bugging me: Where are the monkey movies? Fortunately, Dark Horse Films has heard the call and answered with War Monkeys. “The horror comedy follows two janitors who, during a Christmas holiday, get trapped in an underground research facility after accidentally unleashing military-trained Rhesus monkeys,” per The Hollywood Reporter. Now that’s my idea of a Christmas movie.

Speaking of which, I was saddened to learn that King of Kong director Seth Gordon is the fiend behind Four Christmases, the ubiquitous trailer for which I may never be able to scrub from my brain. Perhaps he can make it up to me with Suicide Squad, “which follows a desperate con man, out on the latest of many paroles, as he recruits a crew of amateur criminals to rip off the Kentucky Derby,” THR reports.

The World’s Most Annoying Man is on the way. According to Variety, Disney will produce the comedy about “a man who is forced to travel cross-country with his annoying brother in order to get to his own wedding.”

Related:
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes: The Unseen Cut
King of Kong: The Saga Continues

From Indie Promise to Corporate Schmaltz

John Constantine — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Way back in November, Variety mentioned that Robert Duvall had signed on for 2008 holiday release Four Christmases. It will also star Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. Why are we bringing you this news now? It has come to our attention that Four Christmases will be directed by one of 2007’s indie darlings, Seth Gordon. Gordon’s King of Kong was much loved by more than a few over here at the ‘Grab and we are much dismayed to hear that Gordon’s next effort will be in that most dreaded of genres, the Christmas movie. Say it ain’t so, Seth. Say it ain’t so!

Morning Deal Report: Two Great Tastes

Peter Smith — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 16:00:00 GMT

As the world now knows, nothing goes together like Vince Vaughn and Christmas. Good news, then, that he's working on the comedy Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon and (newly announced) Robert Duvall.

And like Vince Vaughn and Christmas, like chocolate and peanut butter, there's remakes and Neil LaBute. The director has just signed on to remake Francois Truffaut's La Femme d'a cote (The Woman Next Door).

Your dreams have come true: a live-action Dragonball is on the way.

— Peter Smith