The Screengrab : carry on columbus

Unwatchable Recap: 51-60

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Here it is, the final part of our Unwatchable halftime celebration. This is the post you want to bookmark, because from here you can access all the Unwatchable entries so far. What better way to kill a slow Friday afternoon at work? Once you’ve devoured them all, your excitement for new Unwatchable material will be at a fever pitch…so I am delighted (more or less) to announce that next week is Unwatchable Week here at the Screengrab. Yes, there will be an all-new Unwatchable entry each day next week as we begin our assault on the top half of the IMDb Bottom 100 list. At least, that’s the plan. It’s easy for me to say that now, of course. We’ll see if I can actually pull it off.

In the meantime, here are another ten classics from the vault. Enjoy my pain!

60. Carry On Columbus. “It’s stunning to think it was actually made in the ‘90s; you would think medical science had brought us no advances in humor since 1958. If you enjoy old-school sniggering innuendo (“Come up my end!”) or jokes that would have slayed your fifth grade classmates (“We just had a leak in the hold!” “Did you? Well, next time go over the side.”), you may find my judgment too harsh.”

59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone! “I have since learned that Don’t Go in the Woods was made for about $12,000, which is about $4000 more than I would have guessed.”

58. Ed. “Anyone who knows me will tell you there are two things I love above all others: baseball and monkey movies. So it would only stand to reason that Ed, in which Friends doofus Matt LeBlanc befriends a baseball-playing chimpanzee, would be my favorite movie of all time. This turns out not to be the case.”

57. Phat Girlz. “The lesson is, of course, that Jazmin is beautiful inside and out. Except I saw little evidence of her inside beauty on display here; she’s mostly loud, obnoxious and shallow, although she goes through bouts of self-pity just to spice things up.”

56. Araf (The Abortion). “This could be a scary scenario (or just an offensive one if you choose to read Araf as an anti-abortion screed), but the video effects are so poorly rendered, it just looks like a junior high AV club's remake of The Ring.”

55. A*P*E. “The United States Army cooperated with this? For what possible reason? Did anyone in charge read a script?”

54. Meatballs 4. “Note to aspiring filmmakers: if the success of your movie is dependent on the audience perceiving a character played by Corey Feldman as “the cool guy,” you have already failed.”

53. Baby Geniuses. “I really wish something bad would happen to everyone involved in making Baby Geniuses. I’m not talking about something life-threatening or even physically debilitating – I’m thinking more in terms of a flat tire, a tax audit or perhaps a visible soiling of pants at a high-profile public event.”

52. In the Mix. “Comes described as an ‘edgy romantic comedy,’ which I guess is a romantic comedy in which people shoot at each other.”

51. Simon Sez. “One thing I don’t recall thinking is that Rodman would have a long and successful film career. In fact, I very specifically remember not thinking that, and I think history has proved me right.”

61-70
71-80
81-90
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The Screengrab Highlight Reel: Nov. 15-21, 2008

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:00:00 GMT

I have no wacky character to introduce this week’s Highlight Reel. I have only this goofy photo of Ginger Spice in a Wonder Woman costume. But really, shouldn’t that be enough? After all, Spice World is one of the entries in our survey of Guilty Pleasures (Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five and Six). And comic book movies are all the rage, I am told. Besides, I’ve run out of story – just like Hollywood! So I might as well just tell you about the highlights from the week and Screengrab and be on my way:

We welcome back Vadim Rizov, who wonders Why Action Heroes Must Have Manly Haircuts

Despite my physician’s warnings, the Unwatchable project continues with Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie and Carry On Columbus

Phil Nugent explores The Short Career and Strange Legacy of Tom Graeff and explains Why Cinemark Shouldn’t Get Your “Milk” Money

Paul Clark reveals how Brian De Palma went bad with Bonfire of the Vanities and revisits Thunderball and Moonraker

Leonard Pierce cranks up Rushmore: OST and Hayden Childs gives us The View Through the View-Master: Iron Giant

Kate Winslet Allows Leo DiCaprio to Strangle Her until She Passes Out

Film Threat Unveils Frigid 50 of 2008

Unwatchable #60: “Carry On Columbus”

Scott Von Doviak — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Five hundred years later, Carry On Columbus was released in theaters. Oddly enough, there’s actually more evidence that the former event took place than the latter. Reasonable people can argue Columbus’s place in history. There is no reasonable argument for Carry On Columbus, and it has no place in history. Except here.

The Carry On comedies are a British institution – and like the Royal Family, a British institution that has long since outlived its usefulness. Fifty years ago, the first movie in the series, Carry On Sergeant, delighted audiences in the U.K. At least, I must assume it delighted them, as a whopping 30 more Carry On comedies would follow. Some favor Carry On Cleo and Carry On Up the Khyber. Others go to bat for Carry On Screaming or Carry On Camping. Most agree that the series began to lose some steam as it entered the 1970s. Many of the original cast members departed after 1974’s Carry On Dick. Surely Monty Python had made what Wikipedia calls the Carry On films’ “energetic mix of parody, farce, slapstick and double entendres,” obsolete.

After the release of Carry On Emmanuelle in 1978, fourteen years passed during which moviegoers could reasonably assume they had seen the end of this venerable tradition. Yet Carry On carried on. In 1992, in honor of the Columbus quincentennial, the 31st and almost assuredly worst of the Carry On films was excreted into theaters. What with most of the original cast members being dead or retired, a younger generation of British comedic talent was recruited to debase themselves, including Rik Mayall, Alexei Sayle and Julian Clary. Carry On veteran Jim Dale returns as Chris Columbus, a mapmaker with a plan to cross the gloomy sea, establish a new route to the Indies, and make off with all of their gold. He cuts a deal with the King and Queen of Spain, and they apparently supply him with some seaworthy vessels, although there’s never any attempt made to convince us that Columbus and his crew are actually at sea. I’m fairly certain I participated in school plays with higher budgets than Carry On Columbus.

In the annals (or, if I’m a Carry On character, the anals) of really boring and stupid British historical seafaring comedy, Carry On Columbus ranks well below Yellowbeard or even the soporific Erik the Viking. It’s stunning to think it was actually made in the ‘90s; you would think medical science had brought us no advances in humor since 1958. If you enjoy old-school sniggering innuendo (“Come up my end!”) or jokes that would have slayed your fifth grade classmates (“We just had a leak in the hold!” “Did you? Well, next time go over the side.”), you may find my judgment too harsh. Things pick up ever so slightly when Columbus and company arrive in the New World, to find natives who speak with Brooklyn accents. Their king is played by Larry Miller, who gave me a chuckle or one. I have to say, though, that any chance I might have ever been curious enough to check out the back catalogue of Carry On movies is now greatly diminished.

Previously on Unwatchable:
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
63. Alone in the Dark
64. Angels’ Brigade
65. Meet the Browns