Unwatchable #36: “Daddy Day Camp”

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 13 May 2009 19:30:00 GMT

Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Or is he? Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

I’ve got good news and bad news, Unwatchable fans. The bad news you probably already know. There’s no way I’m going to be able to complete my march to the top of the IMDb Bottom 100 list before the Screengrab shuffles off this mortal coil. The good news is that, despite this devastating setback, I am determined to complete the Unwatchable project one way or another.

Wait – that’s the good news? Well, it may not be good news for me or my psyche, but I’d hate to leave you all hanging. I’m searching for a new home for Unwatchable (make me an offer!), so be sure to check my blog frequently for updates.

There’s no time for eulogies just yet, however! Unless we’re talking about eulogies for Cuba Gooding’s career. Perhaps you dimly recall Daddy Day Care, one of Eddie Murphy’s more insipid family-friendly vehicle of recent vintage. Murphy opted out of the sequel – probably to make Norbit or Meet Dave or some other ungodly piece of shit – and the producers were left to rack their brains for a replacement. Could they possibly find an even more shameless, milquetoast, edgy-as-a-marshmallow African-American actor than Murphy has become over the past fifteen years? Who better than the star of Snow Dogs, Rat Race and Boat Trip – yes, none other than Radio himself, Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Gooding reprises Murphy’s role of affable dad Charlie Hinton, while some random fat white guy takes over for Jeff Garlin in the role of Charlie’s fat white guy friend, Phil. Having achieved tremendous success as the owners of Daddy Dad Care, Charlie and Phil face a new challenge when they take over the rundown summer camp they attended as youths. Camp Driftwood is facing foreclosure thanks to the popularity of the upscale camp across the lake, Camp Canola, run by Charlie’s childhood tormenter, Lance Warner (Lochlyn Munro).

Once the kids arrive at camp, we’re treated to two of the highest forms of humor: adorable tots who all speak like Catskills comedians, and emissions both gaseous and tangible emitting with increasing frequency from every bodily orifice. There’s a recreation of the famous Blazing Saddles campfire scene, except with belching instead of farting. But don’t worry – there’s also farting! Also vomiting, pooping, nut-punching and balloons filled with piss. All the classics! Gooding brings his usual dignity to the proceedings, which means his face is perpetually plastered with the same expression my dog sports whenever he’s left a special present hidden somewhere in the house. Speaking of which:

Previously on Unwatchable:
37. Bad Girls from Valley High
38. Chairman of the Board
39. The Invisible Maniac
40. Son of the Mask
41. Troll 2

Roger Ebert Gives Himself Thumbs Down

Scott Von Doviak — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Recently Roger Ebert gave the movie Tru Loved a one-star review in the Chicago Sun-Times. That in itself is not so unusual, although it’s more unusual than it used to be; on the “still playing” sidebar on Ebert’s main page, the only other movie to receive one star is Hell Ride. As far as I can tell, however, Ebert watched all of Hell Ride. He only watched eight minutes of Tru Loved.

After listing the gay indie’s faults – including complaints about the line readings, body language and a cameo from Bruce Vilanch – Ebrt’s original version of the review concludes thusly: “Full disclosure. I lifted the words ‘San Francisco to conservative suburbia with her lesbian mothers’ straight from the plot summary on IMDb.com, because I stopped watching the movie at the 00:08.05 point. IMDb is also where I found out about Bruce Vilanch's dual role. I never did see the lesbian mothers or my friend Bruce. For Tru Loved, the handwriting was on the wall. The returns were in. The case was closed. You know I'm right. Or tell me I'm wrong.”

Ebert has been reviewing movies for four decades now, and it’s a little hard to believe that he managed to resist the urge to pull this stunt for all that time. Think of all the movies he’s actually managed to sit through. He made it all the way to the end of BAPS, Boat Trip, Corky Romano and Ghost Dad, but it took Tru Loved to break him? Full disclosure: I have not seen Tru Loved, not even eight minutes of it. Maybe it is that bad, but it’s currently pulling 56% at Rotten Tomatoes. Nathan Lee of the New York Times says it has “heart” and Anna King of Time Out New York finds “a surprising elan.” Roger Ebert, you’ve had half your face surgically removed and can no longer speak. And it took this movie to break you? For real?

Not too surprisingly, Ebert has since had second thoughts. In an Oct. 16 journal entry, he reprints an email from his editor: “Just got down to the part where you mention that you watched ONLY eight minutes of this movie. I don't blame you but do you really want to open that door? I fear your admission will start people wondering whether this is a regular practice. Of course it's not but you don't want to raise those suspicions. The alternative: take out those grafs. Or I could kill the review and we could try to find a substitute. Your original review is clever and well-written but I think morally dishonest because you conceal your MO until the very end.” Ebert defended his decision at the time. “I hope the review truthfully records the process I went through.”

On Oct. 21, Ebert changed his mind. “It sent a wrong message. If I had seen the entire film, a review, however negative, would have been appropriate. But in reviewing the first eight minutes, I was guilty of too much affection for my prose… I wish I hadn't published the review.”

Ebert has now watched Tru Loved in its entirety, appending an update to the end of his original review. He’s still only giving it one star, though.

Related:
Classless Man in Voiceless Brawl
Take Five: Ride Hard

The Screengrab : boat trip

Unwatchable #36: “Daddy Day Camp”

Roger Ebert Gives Himself Thumbs Down