Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.

Here’s a little-known etymological fact for you: the term “assclown” did not exist before 1990. It was specifically engineered by a team of Harvard linguists assigned to devise a shorthand description of Vanilla Ice. You see, at the time, no existing word quite did the trick. Sure, one could simply say he was an asshole, but there were lots of assholes around in the early '90s. One could describe him as “that fool in the baggy pants” or “that douche with the haircut,” but these are somewhat unwieldy phrases. Assclown says it all, really. Good work, Harvard linguists.

If you young whippersnappers don’t remember Vanilla Ice, well, he was sort of the Eminem of his day, minus any detectable talent. And if you don’t remember Eminem, well, you better be careful not to let your parents catch you messing around on Nerve.com. Born Rob Van Winkle – and really, if you were born Rob Van Winkle and decided to pursue a career in show biz, wouldn’t you call yourself Rip Van Winkle? This just seems like a no-brainer to me, unless you’re some sort of assclown – Mr. Ice rode a recycled riff from the Queen/David Bowie hit “Under Pressure” to the top of the pops and the dismay of hip-hop fans everywhere.

If we stick with the Eminem analogy, Cool as Ice is Vanilla Ice’s 8 Mile, the major difference being that 8 Mile is watchable and Cool as Ice…well, you see where we are. Ice plays Johnny Van Owen, and I’m sure my failure as an attentive viewer is to blame for the fact that I can’t tell you with any accuracy what Johnny is supposed to be. The easy answer is “a rebel without a clue,” but I think I’m a little late with that line. I guess he’s some sort of biker/musician/free spirit, but I could never quite figure out if he was supposed to be a famous rap star slumming in the burbs or just a schmuck who thought it would be cool to dress like Andrew Dice Clay doing an MC Hammer impression.

Anyway, boorish, uncharismatic Johnny is stuck in town while a member of his posse is getting his bike fixed, so he decides to pass the time by harassing high school student Kathy (Kristin Minter). Wait, I’m being judgmental again. To me it looks like harassment, but in Johnny’s tiny mind, I’m sure it’s just his primitive notion of courtship. And it works! Soon he and Kathy are frolicking through construction sites in a slow-motion montage, much to the consternation of Kathy’s dad (the long-suffering Michael Gross), who thinks Johnny is in league with the ex-cops who are harassing him. You see, Dad has a secret he’s never told Kathy: they’re actually in the Witness Protection Program! Dad was a cop who ratted out his dirty colleagues and they’ve finally tracked him down.

It’s not clear that Vanilla Ice himself entered the Witness Protection Program immediately following the release of Cool as Ice, but that’s as plausible an explanation as any. His acting is praiseworthy only by comparison to his weak rhymes, wack dance moves and woeful wigger wardrobe. The movie that surrounds him has a severe ‘80s hangover – it looks like a David Lee Roth video set in Pee-Wee’s Playhouse – and the tunes Ice provides failed to elevate the soundtrack to classic status, unless I blinked and missed the pop chart run of “Johnny Rox the Box.”

As fate would have it, Mr. Van Winkle has just issued a video apology on YouTube. He’s sorry for the music and the haircuts and the baggy pants. I’m almost ready to take back all the mean things I’ve said about him here. Except I can’t help but notice he does not apologize for Cool as Ice.





Previously on Unwatchable:
49. Laserblast
50. Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace
51. Simon Sez
52. In the Mix
53. Baby Geniuses