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Do You Like... Jumbo?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.

Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys...

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

My New Favorite Website: Sex Advice With All the Inaccuracies of Yahoo Questions

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

One Man, Living His Pole Dancing Dream on YouTube: We Salute You

Drew Grant — Tue, 05 May 2009 20:00:00 GMT

I was introduced to to Poledancefan's videos by the duo over at Videogum, who had the same reaction as I did to a video of someone's dad doing his damnedest to learn how to pole dance like a stripper: You go, guy!

Now, some of you may watch this video and think that we're holding this man up to ridicule. We're not. This guy is the best, and not in an ironic, schadenfreude way. This dude seriously has 78 videos of himself, spanning back 10 months, teaching himself to pole dance in his basement. He installed the pole, put down the mats, opened himself up to ridicule by putting these videos online, and took constructive criticism from the online dancing community. Hats off to you, Poledancefan. May we all be so proactive about learning a new skill.

Welcome to Your Working Week with Eddie Izzard

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:38:00 GMT

It's already been a long week and it's only 9:32am here in New Orleans. Last night, we stayed up till God-knows-what-hour scrolling through old Lego video reenactments of standup comedy. We realized that there's absolutely no reason not to share this, the greatest of 2-minute Lego comedy videos, with you, even though it's several years old.

On this brutal Monday morning, be thankful you don't work in the cafeteria in the Death Star...

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It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

Larry Craig, age four.

Loony Michele Bachman of Loony Minnesota (just kidding, although see above) knows there are exactly 17 socialists in Congress. You know, back in the day, we ran Joe McCarthy out of town with smarter quips than that.

Does your male lover suffer from "post-sex guilt?"

The White House is under attack! By bees.

Ah, yes, another crazy white supremacist with a firearm. Wonders never cease.

Britney Spears had this advice for her audience, generally made up of young girls and their patient mothers: "Don't smoke weed. Rock out with your cocks out. Peace, motherfuckers!"

Controversial (and therefore great) filmmaker Kirby Dick follows up his anti-MPAA movie "This Film Is Not Rated" with a movie that attempts to expose closeted American political figures.

Farrah Fawcett is well enough to leave the hospital.

Just in time for Easter, the Nestle's Chocolate Milk thief has struck again in Congress.

And Sony wants to put its movies on YouTube for free. We'll believe it when we get to the end credits.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Dr. Luchador to Anti-Homo Kid: Get Off the Internets

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:26:00 GMT

Dr. Luchador is a fast-talking mystery man in a Mexican wrestling mask who made a video response to the anti-gay marriage boy who goes by the handle ChristianU2ber and is now being called a homo all over the Internet. The Doctor is saying what a lot of people were thinking: where are the parents of this kid?

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Anti-Homo Kid is a Homo

Colleen Kane — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:48:00 GMT

I am so very grateful there was no such thing as the Internet when I was a kid. I held some pretty questionable opinions as a youth, such as "McDonald's is good" and "this jacket should be worn inside-out to show its plaid lining, so that it will match nicely with my different plaid pants." So I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have posted incriminating videos that would come back to haunt me not just in the future, but in the present.

Take this 12-year-old boy, who has posted numerous videos of himself on YouTube, one expressing his feelings against gay marriage in which he admits that he "used to be gay" but is now "very interested in girls." The wiseacres who inhabit the Internet have responded with a meme of calling him a homo, and it is decidedly not going over well with this poor young fellow.

First, his inarticulate video explaining why gay marriage is wrong.

And now, his reaction to the allegations.

Godspeed to that young man; he has a long journey ahead.

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Video: This Kid Needs to Work on His Pitch

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:50:00 GMT

Yep, this is about how we remember the pool of candidates in the dating world. Without further ado: "Lookin for a girlfriend."

Don't all knock each other over racing to respond to his offer.

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So You Think You Can Dance Better Than A Third Grader?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

This is exactly what we needed to kick off the week: a seriously badass brother and sister improvisational dance team.

Hopefully, these kids will grow up, find this on YouTube, and realize maybe it's actually pretty cool that their parents captured this moment in time. One commenter muses: "As Jack Donaghy says, In five years we'll all either be working for him or be dead by his hand." We'll tweak that a bit: he's either the next Black Michael Jackson or a future Melendez brother.

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Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

When we were younger, we couldn't stand The Price Is Right. We've always recoiled violently from advertising and even more so from subliminal advertising and product placement. But when it was announced that Bob Barker would retire and, recently, that the Drew Carey version is going off the air next month, we felt it was time to reconsider America's greatest daytime show.

Barker has always struck us as a heroic common man figure-- a guy who put in 35 years at the same job without complaint (after all, it must have become redundant around year four), did 50 years in show business, and even poked fun at himself at the end of his career in Happy Gilmore instead of resting on his laurels.

It turns out, Barker returned to the set yesterday to film a show airing April 6th in which he co-hosts with Carey and promotes his new, for-charity memoir. In honor of this wonderful man and his charming, charmed life, we present our Five Favorite Moments From the Bob Barker Price Is Right...

5) Hordes of Excited Women Molest Bob Barker. You only need to watch the first fifteen-twenty seconds to remember why Bob Barker quit the show due to his age and serious back injuries. At 2:18, watch as Colonel Sanders pulls the same move. And at 8:15, don't miss Ethel's "dream" about Bob.

4) Tidy cats. We'll never look at our roommate's cat the same way.

3) Nipple slip! A Price Is Right model endures a nipple slip on national television. Wait a minute, this show is live?! (Forunately for the squares running CBS, you can't really see anything with the credits going up.)

2) TIE: A Model and a Gentleman and The Third Time's The Charm. Believe it or not, there were countless on-air marriage proposals during Barker's 35-year run and we weren't able to choose between these two. Try not to choke up a bit here...

1) Cheating Emerson student -- is there any other kind? Bob Barker famously walks off the set and say, "I'm going home." It may not be as powerful as the last couple, but this may have been the most-publicized moment in the entire show's history. Barker rarely got upset with anyone, but this time, you believe it...

You can watch the final minutes of his final show here, by the way.

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Idiot At Fox Degrades Sexual Abuse Victims With Her Politicking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:04:00 GMT

Just about every line of this Fox News clip is hilarious. It's hard to top the opening line, with its incredibly twisted take on why a government inquiry is going on. (They "may make a play [for a company] if it doesn't like the way it's doing business. Huh?" Right-- we should have just let Enron and WorldCom get away with everything-- got it, Fox.)

Then this bonehead comes on and, at the end of this video, makes an analogy involving sexual abuse that's so out of ~~left~~ right field, it's enough to offend anyone who's ever been sexually abused. Congrats, Fox, a new low in political blows.

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The Rest of the Week Can't Possibly Top This Mr. T Infomercial

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

This video is so gigantic in its awesomeness, the Scanner homepage cannot contain it. But trust us, it's well worth clicking the Read more... for the video goodness.

We were taken aback by the sight of Mr. T without his chains and gold-plated iPhones, but one YouTuber points out that T gave these up when he decided to become a Serious Christian, which made him somehow crazier.

Speaking of "somehow crazier," how is it possible that the man is, indeed, more insane looking without the chains? Kind of like when Prince became "The Artist," T is only drawing attention to his egomania by suddenly being "too good" for only one of many ridiculous aspects of his personality. In other words, he ain't exactly calling himself Laurence Tureaud in his press releases...

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Get in the Friday Zone: Let's Get it Started

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Have you seen any of the 57 sing-into-the-webcam videos posted by YouTube's BeenerKeeKee1995? Probably-- he's so Feb 09, but still this kid is entertaining and I very much enjoy his stylings, and so: Friday Zone. I chose his rendition of this Blackeyed Peas tune because it used to be our Friday Party Zone song at the end of the workday at the Playgirl office, complete with rotating disco party light accompaniment.

Must say, though, that I shudder to think what will happen to this youngster when he has to go to school and these videos start making the rounds. After writing that last sentence, I saw in the comments that he might be 13, if he was born in 1995. And if that's the case, bravo, young man, and godspeed to you on the playground.

Get in the Friday Zone: Mardi Gras!

Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

Scanners Inspired by Feline-Inspired Spinoff Videos

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:02:00 GMT

It's part of the process now that as soon as a viral video becomes huge, it inspires knockoffs and remixes. Such is the case with one of this year's breakout hits, the so adobrale-you-just-want-to-punch-it, Kittens, Inspired by Kittens!

So without further ado, we present two of our favorite KIBK spinoffs, Cats Inspired by Kittens Inspired by Kittens and even better, Kittens Inspired by David After Dentist.

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Turtles are Rapists

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Just when you think you've seen it all, the Internet comes along with another wacked-out thing you've never seen. What you're about to witness is a turtle hilariously raping a shoe. And apparently, this is the m.o. for turtles, because a search for turtle rape on YouTube yields numerous results. (I thought they were cleaning up that sort of thing on YouTube?)

The little guy is really going for it.

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R2-D2 Says What We Were Thinking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 15:19:00 GMT

Hey, that's what we were thinking after The Phantom Menace...

In this instant-classic of a YouTube video, someone translated R2D2's squeaks, beeps, and whines from Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Who knew R2D2 was so hilarious... and vulgar.

"I'm GO AWAY." Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction to the film, as well.

By the way, this HD YouTube video was created by this guy.

Porn Flow Chart Tells Us What We Already Know

Lego Superman Takes the Low Road

"I Broke My Nose On Your Stripper Pole"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:52:00 GMT

A New Zealand softcore porn star and sometime stripper is suing the Sexpo after a disastrous live performance that got her in trouble with festival organizers...

Lisa Lewis, no relation to any other Lisa Lewis we might've heard of here in the States, calls herself an "international star, exotic dancer and soft porn star." She may or may not be the same Lisa Lewis who ran through a rugby match three years ago wearing only a bikini, and subsequently landed a spot on an all-nude newscast on AltTV. In any case, that Lisa Lewis is the author of this unfortunate YouTube video, entitled Does Lisa Lewis Spit or Swallow?, a clip about brushing your teeth.

Lisa Lewis With the Dark Hair was performing a stripper routine in only a G-string at the Sexpo when she slipped and broke her nose on what she claims was a faulty pole. (She has been performing for ten years-- since the ripe old age of 17-- so we can't chalk it up to beginner's suck.) The adult film star says she warned organizers they needed a fresh pole, but they apparently ignored her.

One source claims that Lewis was ejected from the venue after putting her hands in her underwear in a masturbatory fashion. Organizers booted her, saying the act was "too risque."

But something stinks here-- does this mean she was thrown out before or after the nose injury? Seems to us like one of those two events-- the broken nose and the ejection-- are fabrications.

Photo and quote via.

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Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

In the last twenty-four hours, we were sent two videos that happened to have been filmed in 1985. We hadn't seen either of them before-- one involves Saturday Night Live, the other a real commercial that might as well have been a parody on that show-- and they're both hysterical for different reasons.

Your day cannot possibly get more entertaining than this...

First, from the Best of SNL DVD's bonus material (or so we're told), here's Phil Hartman's SNL audition. God, is there anyone like this operating today?

And this is a commerical for "The Music Vest." We would explain what the hell that is if we only could figure out what it was... besides the obvious...

Hope you enjoyed yourself.

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

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Watch Jennifer Aniston Googly-Eye Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

Besides Philippe Petit balancing an Oscar on his chin [see this post], the Oscars were almost entirely forgettable. Here's a moment, however, that you may have missed: watch Jennifer Aniston lock eyes with Brad and Angelina, starting somewhere after the 25 second mark.

Note that they are sitting in the front row and to Aniston's left... and that the camera mysteriously cuts off Brad Pitt's face, so we can't see what he's thinking... or maybe that's just bad YouTube bootleggin'... either way, apparently, this is what the internet is talking about this morning.

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While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen's Wrecking Ball Rolls On

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:10:00 GMT

Octomom won't date? Then she has every intention of raising all 14 kids by herself, even though she clearly considers plastic surgery, media attention, and getting pregnant again her top priorities? Sorry, but it's time for someone to look into whether her kids should be taken in by the state.
And if you think we're being harsh-- it turns out she hasn't been paying the mortgage either, in favor of fertility treatments.

Did you know five states ban atheists from holding office? No wonder Arkansas is so backwards.

Just in time for that movie that looks terrible in YouTube clips: Watchmen condoms.

The Lily Allen wrecking ball continues its epic roll through America, into the Bahamas. Don't worry, we'll stop talking about her... just as soon as she stops doing stuff like this. (By the way, we're not saying she should stop doing stuff like this-- don't misunderstand, we don't care if she gyrates on the pole... that Elizabeth Berkeley is licking. Nope, not even that would raise our eyebrows.)

Always take a cab when you're drunk-- even if you don't own a car.

Speaking of cars, say goodbye to those ugly-ass Hummers.

And the headline of the Day: Glenn Patrol Car Rammed by Naked Man in a Truck [emphasis added]

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Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:09:00 GMT

With some British accents, we often think we hear the word "penis" on a constant basis.

Basically, whenever a British broadcaster says "peon," "peanuts," or "tasty ballpark weiners," we could swear they said "penis." It turns out, we're right-- at least in this case. Watch a CNN reporter make our morning by saying the word twice in 27-seconds... and say it for real.

Yes, yes, we're immature little children, we know.

Why Did the Grammys Do That to M.I.A.?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:21:00 GMT

M.I.A. is the most badass pregnant lady ever for performing at the Grammys on her due date (on top of already being amazingly cool). But can we agree that the so-called "Rap Pack" accompaniment was a bad move? Moments into M.I.A.'s hit "Paper Planes," Kanye West, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne & T.I. joined her on a "Paper Planes"-infused mashup of "Swagga Like Us." Not to give any undeserved credence to YouTube commenters, but one wrote, "love M.I.A., but them blokes ruin that song," and that seems a popular sentiment around the internet this morning.

Here's how it sounded.

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Image: NYmag.com

Michael Cera Flips Out... Or Does He?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Is this video of Michael Cera on a movie set a real, leaked clip from a not-so-hidden camera or merely a not-funny parody of the Christian Bale incident?

If it's a fake, Cera's a way better dramatic actor than we thought...

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Bale Out: the Inevitable Christian Bale Goes Apesh1t Remix

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:49:00 GMT

It seems like only yesterday we were reading about Bale going bananas on some poor underling bastard (it was), but in the fast-paced society, this audio footage has already been processed and cranked out as something else: Bale Out, the remix.

To me, it sounds like perfectly passable industrial music, which is to say, I wouldn't put it on now, but would've danced to it at the Roxy in New Brunswick in the '90s.

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Christian Bale Goes Apesh*t On Set (AUDIO)

This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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Spirit Airlines Releases Sex Commercial, Pisses Everyone Off

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:12:00 GMT

The economy is in such dire straits, it seems, companies aren't perturbed in the least to hear that their employees are furious about the new marketing plan...

According to the Huffington Post, pilots and flight crew alike are furious at Spirit Airlines for forcing employees to wear aprons with Bug Light's logo on them. Oh, and there's this ad, which has garnerned a whopping 1.5 stars on YouTube since its release and is Spirit's new lead commercial:

As one union spokesperson put it:

"I feel as though I have entered a time warp and am reliving the battles for respect and justice for women that we fought for 40 years ago," Friend said.
Some of Spirit's ads invite customers to enjoy its DD's (deep discounts) and "MILF" (many islands, low fare) specials _ double entendres that also refer to large breasts and a crude acronym popularized in the 1999 movie "American Pie" that describes an attractive mother. [HuffPo]

This may be even sadder than American Apparel using full frontal nudity to sell its... clothing. Correction: this is definitely sadder, because at least those were porn stars.

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The Beatles Get Back to Where They Once Belonged

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:05:00 GMT

It was forty years ago today when Paul McCartney told the band to play.

The Beatles were on the roof of Apple Corp., their record company's building, gearing up to play and record the songs from their stalled "Get Back" sessions. It was freezing as hell and they hadn't performed live in over three years, but as you can see here, the band was in great spirits...

Today, Apple employees in London wanted to have a memorial party in the same spot as the Beatles' last public performance, but the police vetoed it. Wouldn't that have been incredible?

Luckily for us Americans, Ken Mansfield is holding a similar tribute concert on the roof of Seattle's Pike Place Market:

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of The Beatles' last performance, the band's former U.S. manager, Ken Mansfield, is teaming up with Seattle Beatles cover band Crème Tangerine for a free performance at Pike Place Market Friday. Mansfield was standing with Yoko Ono for the Beatle's final show, just steps away from the band. It was an impromptu performance to a London lunch crowd atop the rooftop of their record company, Apple... [Seattle Times]

If you're there, check it out and report back to us, will you?

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Condom Commercials Getting Even Randier On YouTube

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 16:35:00 GMT

AIDS Map recommends you use extra-strength condoms, such as Durex Ultra Strong, when engaging in anal sex. Which is great news for you, since you'll want to have a lot of butt sex after watching the company's latest NSFW YouTube ad.