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"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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Yahoo Thinks It Knows Why You Never Make It To That Second Date

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:51:00 GMT

There's a Yahoo! blog called Foxy Festivities that we haven't paid any attention to until recently. Perhaps it's that title, which is easily dismissed. Or maybe the fact that they're on Yahoo.com, which hasn't been on anyone's radar since 1995.

Foxy Festivities is dedicated to entertaining-- although this post, entitled "First Date Deal-Breakers" is only loosely tied to the topic...

Your expert sexperts attempt to advise us in a way we haven't heard before. Do they succeed in convincing to change our self-sabotaging ways?

1) Don't take a guy to a ballgame if you hate sports; don't take a girl to a Bergman festival if you, you know, ever want to get laid for the rest of your life. Or something like that.

2) Make sure to fill up with gas-- the petroleum-based kind, silly. Oh, and no limos.

3) As if this list isn't stolen from every Woody Allen movie already, don't take your date to a loud rock concert.

4) Don't overdress. (Is anyone still reading at this point?)

5) Don't start out with a double date. That way, you're forced to get to know each other.

6) Choose a restaurant that falls in between The Russian Tea Room and Jack-in-the-Box.

There are several more recommendations here, but do we really need to list them all? First-dating comes down to this... smile, look your best without digging up a tux, pick a halfway decent restaurant, and... for God's sake... choose an activity that allows room for conversation. Oh, and try not to look for reasons not to date the person again ("one of his shoelaces was untied for thirty seconds" does not count.)

Via Yahoo!

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Ladies, You're in Big Trouble...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 19:37:00 GMT

It turns out some guys don't know when Valentine's Day is. According to this news source, searches for "when is Valentine's Day" has skyrocketed on Yahoo. In other news, people still use Yahoo for internet searches...

That search frequency has increased 150 percent during the past seven days, with men being responsible for 79 percent of the searches, according to Yahoo.

We're only mentioning this so you won't be disappointed... then again, if your man does remember what Saturday is, you'll at least be pleasantly surprised he got you anything at all...

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The Top 10 Yahoo Searches of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

We never understand why year-end best of polls come out before the year is over (meaning: we understood that the media tries to capitalize on the year before everyone stops carrying, but not why anyone accepts them as fact.) Top 10 movies, as polled by the critics who have seen all the year's releases already, but what if there's a major prostitution scandal and everyone starts looking up someone named Joanna Esmerelda Dupois in absurd numbers?

Yahoo isn't worried about our pesky little inquiries. It has already released their top 10 list for 2008 and although we've already revealed their #1 choice, once we caught wind of the runner-ups, we felt an overwhelming urge to burden you with this information...

10. American Idol. You mean, people don't get enough of this shit in its four hours per week?

9. Angelina Jolie. Must've been those $14 million baby pictures everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of without having to buy a tabloid magazine. Say hello to the free world wide web, People.

8. Lindsay Lohan. She would've been our guess for the #1 slot, which shows you how much we know about what men find most attractive.

7. Naruto. Apparently, some sort of cartoon character. See #8.

6. Jessica Alba. Yes, she has her assets, but none of them include talent, interesting personality, or newsmaking lifestyle. Why, why, why?

5. RuneScape. We're starting to feel a little bit left out of the loop here...

4. Miley Cyrus. We're almost relieved to see Hannah, scion of the Montana's, on this rundown, for reasons of familiarity only.

3. Barack Obama. Here's hoping the most popular related searches do not include the phrases "is a Muslim" or "and mom's nude photos."

2. WWE. Scary... although we figured eight-year-old boys are computer-trained these days...

1. Britney Spears. What hasn't been said already about a woman who was a has-been at age 7 and hasn't done a damn thing worth paying attention to since? Let's make this her last appearance on this or any list, please...

Via Yahoo.

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While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Our server had some issues this morning, but we're up and running now...

A woman showed her daughter's friend how to have sex. You know, liberal-sex-ed style.

Did you miss Hillary Clinton's historic moment?

Darwin couldn't be happier: two guys stole a car, got into a shootout with the po-po, and ended up in a high-speed chase on the wrong side of the highway, where they rammed another car head on. The other car? Stolen.

Ray Winstone approves of his daughter Jaime's nude scenes (see above photo.) In fact, he can't wait to-- yuck-- watch them.

A Colorado man is being sued by his ex-girlfriend and her attorney for libelous comments he made in the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.

A woman was arrested in Nigeria for burning her servant's penis after the 18-year-old took off with some of her money.

It's a sad state of affairs when someone as boring and unattractive as Britney Spears tops Yahoo's most-searched list for the fourth year in a row. Guys, it's time to find someone more interesting to fantasize about.

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Crush of the Week: David Kernell, The Palin Hacker

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:06:00 GMT

Meet David Kernell, he's the son of Tennessee Democratic state representative Mike Kernell, a University of Tennessee student and the man (the boy?) accused of hacking Sarah Palin's Yahoo e-mail account last week.

He's also kind-of hunky.

We don't necessarily advocate computer hacking. After all, we wouldn't want to be hacked (lord knows after doing this job we have some scandalous shit cached here). But we do respect the kid's desire to be involved in the political process.

Imagine what the world would be like if all twenty year olds were this politically aware? The hacking incident did shed light on what many suspected, that Palin does a good job of mixing business with pleasure, as the Yahoo account was a personal one she used for Government business.

For that, David Kernell is our crush of the week.

Of course, considering we crushed on (and later went out with) the guy who got expelled for 90 days for selling acid in high school, it's no wonder we have a crush on lil' David Kernell.

[Wired: No Indictment Tuesday Against Palin Hacker]

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Dear Margo Unsure What Sex Coupons Are

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:15:00 GMT

DEAR MARGO: I found a sexually explicit card and sex coupons from my husband's lover. He insists nothing went on and that it was just a fluke that he received such cards and coupons. If I can't get him to tell me what went on, is it OK to go after the "other woman" and get her to give me some details? I want to work through things to save my marriage, but I need to know what happened in order to do so.

The woman who wrote in to Dear Margo this week signs her letter "AT A LOSS FOR WORDS." We're unable to speak, as well... from laughing. Here's Margo's response:

DEAR AT: Forgive me, but I am unfamiliar with "sex coupons." My best guess is they are like the ones for the supermarket, only you redeem them for ... well, never mind.

The rest of her response is classy snark, but she fails to seize upon the insanity of the situation. This woman's husband is cheating on her-- clearly. We don't need a public confession, John Edwards-style, to come to the conclusion that he's no good. It's called "a gut feeling." Margo suggests therapy or "hasta la vista" but the problem is, he won't admit to the affair. There's no couples therapy in that situation-- it's either he confesses and you work it out (we're assuming you say "you're never to see or speak to this woman again") or you dump his ass at once. No exceptions.

Ladies-- don't ever give guys an out like "therapy" when he won't even admit that there's a problem beforehand. DTMFA, as another advice columnist would say...

Via Yahoo.

Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying...

Photo Essay: Revenge of the Cheated

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Or boycott said vote for their non-inclusion of Scanner Emily or Scanner Nicole or Nicole Ankowski or Erin Bradley or... well, yet the point. We think there should be a huge tie for number one, just among our fellow Nerve bloggers...

...but... if you want to see the not-nearly-as-worthy Playboy picks, check out some of our picks, below:

First, there's Violet Blue, below and above, one of our favorite bloggers (sight unseen, of course):

Then there's Sarah Lacy, who is apparently on Yahoo! and some sort of big deal on ValleyWag is definitely the cutest blogger on the list...

Also on the list is Veronica Belmont. According to the article, she is "co-host of the digital technology vlog Tekzilla [and] host of PlayStation's Qore."

There's too much "vlogger" on this list for it to really qualify as a definitive list of hot "bloggers." (For example, none of the Jezebel hotties made it, maybe because they don't look like centerfolds... thank God.)

Via Playboy: Hottest Web Bloggers (Vote!)

Get out the Pom Pom’s. We’ve Got a Giveaway!

April Peveteaux — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 21:01:00 GMT

What with the top graphic at Yahoo outing every celebrity who dared to do the cradle catch at halftime and the upcoming release of, Bring It On: In It To Win It, we’re declaring it Bouncing Booby Friday! Although upon opening the photo gallery with said celebrity cheerleaders, we were first greeted with glamour shots of Ronald Reagan and FDR. Someone needs to tell them that it’s so not cool to make us sit through a history lesson before peeking at the celebrity T&A.

To make up for the massive disappointment of the Yahoo tease, the first person who gives me the name of the actress who played my favorite on-screen cheerleader, the pie-eyed and patient Boof in Teen Wolf, wins their very own copy of Bring It On: In It To Win It! Send an email to scanner@nerve.com with the goods. Bonus points if you can tell me where she is now. Not literally, that’s creepy, more like a “Julie from Loveboat sells cheese in Seattle” kind of way.

Hit Me Baby Over And Over And Over Again

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:47:00 GMT

Don't ever say crazy doesn't get a person anywhere in this world. She may have lost her talent, children and will to shower, but Britney Spears was the most searched topic on Yahoo in 2007, surpassing even Lindsay Lohan. We don't know anyone who actually uses Yahoo for Internet searches, so we'd be curious to see where she falls on Google's list, but honestly, after her crazytown year, we would't be surprised if she tops that one, too.