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Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Northern Arizona University, in the Flagstaff area, has an award-winning newspaper called the Lumberjack, which features a sex advice column and questions from anonymous local dopes and maybe a few genuine practitioners of sex.

At the end of every semester, the Lumberjack, which can be found online as JackCentral, reproduces the leftover scraps. While they aren't as asinine as you might expect (we're pretty sure the craziest questions were left on the printing press floor), there are a few pieces of gold mixed in with questions about swimming sperm, anal sex, and circumcision...

Q: What’s the point of anal sex?

A: For some of us, the act of anal sex can seem strange or intimidating. For most homosexual male couples, this is a popular option for love-making. Some women or heterosexual men enjoy anal stimulation as well; it just depends on what feels comfortable and pleasurable. Some men enjoy anal sex for a reason most of us don’t think about in the bedroom: prostate health.

Anal intercourse stimulates this sensitive gland that lies just below the bladder and right up against the rectum. Many men enjoy stimulation of the prostate, and some even call this area the “male g-spot.” Plus, proctologists agree regular stimulation of the prostate is good for prostate health and functioning. So if not for your sexual pleasure, do it for your sexual health!

Q: Do sperm have eyes? If not, how do they know to go north for the summer?

A: We are assuming “going north” is a euphemism for traveling up the female reproductive system. To start off, sperm do not have eyes, because they are single-celled organisms. One thing that helps them in their quest for an egg is the flagellum, or that little tail that helps them swim. There are also environmental factors that point them in the right direction.

Sperm can live in the female reproductive system for a few days, but only a few hours in the vagina. The vagina is a very volatile environment for sperm because of its natural acidity. And because the sperm won’t last too long outside of the vagina either, their instinct is to swim up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. If the woman has ovulated and an egg is present, that egg begins to emit certain chemical signals to which the sperm respond. Once they sense that chemical romance, they are further attracted up the fallopian tubes to their female counterpart.

Great answers, of course, but awesomely-named writer Nellie Placencia can clearly be seen resisting snarky remarks to questions like these, under the headline The Naked Truth: Feeling queasy? Maybe there's a baby inside you?

Hola, bonjour and hello faithful readers. You have returned once again for a great week of sexual topics, and I am here to satisfy your cravings. This week’s question comes courtesy of The Stork, who wants to remind everyone that carrots help your eyesight, and sex makes babies.

Q: How long after sex do I know if I’m pregnant? How long can you wait after intercourse to take a pregnancy test?

A: First of all, having sex with no barrier or hormonal contraception is a great way to induce a pregnancy. If you did that within the past two or three months, your chances are good. So…mazel tov!

Women can usually spot a few signs of pregnancy within the first two months of being impregnated. The most obvious sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Keeping track of when your period normally starts and ends is a good idea if you’re sexually active, especially if you have an irregular cycle. If you miss your period and suspect it’s not normal, you might be pregnant. The best way to know is to take a pregnancy test, but more about that later.

Q: How do I get birth control? Does it need to be prescribed by a doctor? When do I start using it? Are there different types?

A: In these trying economic times, we here at The Naked Truth understand the need for effective and affordable birth control. And assuming you are a girl (boys, just head down to Walgreens and buy some condoms), there are a lot of important concerns when choosing the birth control method that is right for you.

Via JackCentral.

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Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

We really had to check secondary sources to substantiate this one.

A couple of thirtysomethings were arrested for having sex outside Windsor Castle, while the freakin' Queen of England was kickin' it old school inside. You won't believe what they got away with during an amazing twenty-minute romp in the garden while untold numbers of tourists and pedestrians cheered them on...

Police say the unnamed pair had sex on a private sliver of grass while Japanese tourists filmed them on their Handycams or whatever. People on the street pointed camera phones and flash photographs were taken. The duo did the nasty without interruption for twenty minutes before the Royal Protection Squad finally figured out what was up. Great to know the Queen has a top surveillance system in place these days.

It doesn't even seem like they have been charged with a crime-- the couple were released after a sobering night in jail and "cautioned" not to give the Queen a thrill like that again. Most outrageous of all, observers say, is that the couple violated a "Keep Off the Grass" sign. We're not joking.

Some info sourced from the Telegraph.

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"You Traitor Pig!"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:34:00 GMT

Yesterday, we showed you why it's important to avoid Facebook when you're pretending to need a sick day from work.

Today, we'll show an even more dangerous trap users can fall in to-- especially if those users are planning on having a wild bachelor party...

A guy, known in the media as Antonio M., was tagged in a photo on the social networking site-- the photo, it so happens, featured what appears to be a naked stripper behind him. (In the first place, nudity isn't allowed on the website-- so why did he even bother?) Instead of yelling at him for hanging out with naked women, his fiancee flipped the fuck out: she and a friend printed hundreds of posters (see above) and tacked them up around their Italian town, particularly near his office, the homes of their mutual friends, and other places of interest during their relationship. She called him a "traitor pig" for cavorting with this young woman, although there really isn't any evidence he did anything but have a stripper at his bachelor party (or attend a strip club or something similar.)

It doesn't matter-- 28-year-old Valerie A. signed the letter "your former betrothed bride and the 548 guests of our wedding."

Via Metro.

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

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Russians Like Big Butts, You Can't Deny

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 16:53:00 GMT

Russians always gotta be different. Sometimes they even take things that Americans love, like binge drinking, and escalate them to absurd levels of worship.

Case in point-- the new sexting craze that is taking Russkies by storm doesn't involve pornographic images (necessarily.) They have, however, taken their love of gigantic backsides to a whole new level of devotion...

After one girl, under the handle VILena, posted the below photo on one of the country's premiere social networking sites, a major cultural trend was born overnight:

This is the photo, which came our way in this censored form, that sparked the following mania:

Wait, what the fuck?

We promise to continue to ~~get to the bottom~~ stay on top of this, now known as Vilena, and other emerging sexual trends.

The call it “to make Vilena-style photo” - Vilena that’s the name of the first girl. By the way, this name has a Soviet origin. After the Communists took over in 1917 and their leader Lenin was a national hero many Russian young parents called their boys and girls after him using his initials and second name. Lenin’s full name was “Vladimir Iliich Lenin” - so new boyish name appeared “VILen” and girlish one two: “VILena”. There were also such names like “Vladlen” or “Vladlena” after “Vladimir Lenin”. [English Russia]

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Coming to the Jersey Shore This Summer: Bottoms-Only Bikinis

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:28:00 GMT

Two Philly-area boutique owners are trying to start a new trend on the Jersey shore this summer: topless beachgoing.

They have managed to convince themselves they'll have no trouble unloading $75-200 bikini bottoms without including tops... and some people are convinced this is only the beginning of a new American trend. Several area media outlets picked up the story of the Jack & Jill Boutique in Old City, run by Anh Nguyen and partner Janice Lim, and trumpeted as the latest fad. We're guessing having Nguyen pose in the bikinis for one of the stories didn't hurt... although we're trying to figure out why she's wearing a top if she thinks it's so normal and cool...

MSNBC's reaction was similar to ours:

Since you're only buying half of a bathing suit you'll save money, right? Wrong! Each piece costs between $75 and $200. You can buy a matching cover-up and bikini top, too if flaunting your stuff isn’t your thing.

So, if that’s the case, can’t you just prance around topless in some bikini bottoms you already own? Save yourself the cash.

We're trying to figure out what these female business owners were thinking, promoting the idea of topless sunbathing in the state of New Jersey. Don't they know what the guys will do? These people still think Bon Jovi is a Genius, for God's sake. (Cue retaliatory comments from our fellow blogger, Jersey-Lovin' Colleen Kane, any moment now.)

But seriously, the woman pictured below has got a long road ahead of her if she's selling bottoms-only bikinis at those prices...

More of her here.

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This Teenage Sex Tape Craze Is Getting Out of Hand...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:28:00 GMT

And you thought it had gone too far when those two kids were arrested for making a sex tape of a consenting couple...

According to the Associated Press in Florida:

The Monroe County Sheriff's office has charged 10 teens from the Florida Keys with making child pornography after detectives confiscated a videotape of a 16-year-old runaway girl having sex with a 19-year-old man.
Authorities said the investigation started when a 14-year-old runaway told a school resource officer that she was worried her friend -- the girl having sex on the tape -- had been raped. The girl who appeared in the video denied being raped.
The teens, seven boys and three girls age 13 to 19, face charges of sexual performance by a child, a second-degree felony. Eight of the 10 were arrested Wednesday; the other two are out of town and will be arrested when they return.

Okay, one to operate the camera... another to hold the boom... my, this is a serious production now. So, we gotta ask, what were the other half-dozen participants doing during all this? Your suspicions, in the comments...

Via AP/ABC News.

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Mother-Daughter Clones To Sign Porn Contract Any Day Now...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 15:25:00 GMT

The first thing you'll notice about this article is that there is no mention of a husband/father figure in the lives of these two women.

The women in question are Janet and Jane Cunliffe, a mother and daughter pair that look almost nothing alike, even after mom spent 10,000 English pounds on plastic surgery to, as she requested, look more like her child. Why would anyone do that?

The questions that remain with us after viewing this disturbing photo:

1) Isn't it obvious to everyone around them that Mom is desperately trying to be like her daughter (and failing?)

2) What kind of person puts their daughter through this photo shoot for a major publication like the Daily Mail?

3) Which one's the daughter?

'It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she's gorgeous. Who wouldn't want to look like her?

'The way I see it is that she got her looks from me in the first place - mine have just faded with age.

'Seeing how attractive Jane is made me want to get my looks back. Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins. I had good genes and good skin, but I needed a helping hand to make me feel better about myself.'

Certainly Janet wasn't always such a head-turner. Just a few years ago, she was a size 14 redhead and felt, she says, dowdy and unattractive.

Not, she insists, that she was ever vain. [Oh, definitely not now, that's for sure. - Ed.] 'I didn't have time for vanity in my 20s as I was too busy bringing up Jane and her brother, Pete,' she says.

Commenters on various blogs had their own concerns:

I imagine the husband is royally creeped out.

I imagine he is no longer the husband.

-I wonder what it would have cost her to look like someone attractive.

-daughter responds by spending twice that much on psychiatric sessions

-How is this news? These women are EVERYWHERE in Texas.

Via the Daily Mail.

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It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

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More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

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Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?

Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”

"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”

Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.

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Teenage Girl Sues Her Father For Grounding Her, Wins

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

A 12-year-old girl (now apparently 13) sued her father in 2008 for denying her permission to attend a class trip because she was grounded. According to the father, the child had been using the internet at his house after being instructed not to. He claims the girl was visiting sites he had previously blocked and possibly sharing pornographic images of herself.

This is a no-brainer, right? But this textbook example of a frivolous lawsuit not only wasn't thrown out, it's gone through one initial trial and an appeal, both of which resulted in the girl coming out ahead. How is this even possible?

Of course, there is a lot more to this story. Even the original CBC reporter who wrote extensively about the case neglected to mention the bitter (and I mean BITTER) divorce proceedings. The mother, it is alleged, heard about the grounding and decided she would pay for the trip herself, chaperone, and help the girl sue her father with the help of her mother's attorney. (Of course, you could look at it another way-- perhaps the mother was into the trip before the grounding, so the father found and excuse to mess with them.) Either way, this child is being manipulated by one or both awful parents-- and, even worse, the idiot judge let all proceed as if there were a real case here. Instead, he should have fined both parents $100,000 and taken the kid away from them. Okay, that's a little harsh, we admit-- $100,000 US is like $8 billion Canadian.

Seriously, though, check out what judicial jackass (i.e. the winning attorney) had to say about this:

"Going to court was a last resort," said Lucie Fortin, a legal aid attorney who represented the girl. "The question was that there was a problem between the father and the mother, and the child asked the court to intervene because it was important to her.

"The trip was very important to her."

The last resort? The last resort for us would've been for a compromise and the girl to lose internet at his house for six months but still go on the trip. Maybe. "The trip was very important to her?" Then maybe she shouldn't have used the internet after being instructed not to. For all the punishments we endured as kids, almost every one of them was because we broke a rule we knew better than to break. Tough. Shit. Girl.

The father and mother are no longer speaking, by the way. And so we move on into the 21st century, having learned so little...

Via CBC.

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

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Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

O, hai. Have we missed the point of Omegle, the site that lets you talk to strangers without even signing up? We thought it was to have a random chat with no strings, no worrying about what you say, no... nothing? But apparently, like every other aspect of our lives, we are still worse at finding love than everyone else on the planet. Or at least we're worse than this Chicago girl, who thinks she may have found her special someone on Omegle.

Oh, sweetie. We should probably tell you that your Kansas City boy is actually this guy:

[Craigslist]

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Damn You, Ina Maier!

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

On Tuesday Scanner Ina introduced us to Omegle, the site that lets you chat with random strangers. We resisted for about 48 hours but like Scanner Ina before us just logged in to see what all the fuss was about. Our conversation went a little something like this:

And like Scanner Ina, that's about when we disconnected.

We see that exact conversation happening a lot in our Omegle future. You know, on the off chance we ever do that again (we're so totally doing that again, and soon).

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Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:12:00 GMT

The worst experience we ever had on a plane wasn't really anyone's fault: we were flying from New York to Minneapolis during the Presidential campaign in 2004. For some reason, we had agreed to see in the last row of the plane, next to the toilets. We'd rather pay $400 more per flight than experience that nastiness again.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it was so awful. We get motion sickness from turbulence and the weather that night was beyond awful-- there's nothing crazier than looking down at lightning-- with huge gusts of wind sending the whole plane into a panic. A flight attendant on her day off was sitting next to us, buying us Scotches and being a terrible flirt. That would have helped a lot, except after a violent, sudden drop, she said quietly, "Oh, no... this is not good."

Somehow, we survived, as did all of these poor souls who faced violence, turbulence, scary noises, and other sounds that were entirely the work of people on the plane. Can you top these crazy tales from Flights From Hell?

Of course, this is an international flight so after making her announcements in English, she proceeds to repeat them in German. The guy starts huffing and complaining that he's sick of hearing that damn German gibberish already! Uh-oh, I'm thinking. But the fun had only just begun. He proceeds to order two double scotches as soon as humanly possible and downs them in nothing flat. Then the woman in front of him tries to recline her seat. He plants his feet and presses with his fists against her seat with all of his might (of course he had HIS seat reclined as far back as possible). She looks back to see if something is wrong and he pretends that nothing happened! Shortly, he fails to remain vigilant and she manages to recline her seat a little...so he starts punching the seat! As hard as he could, he punched the seat in front of him. The poor woman was going to get whiplash.
When I showed her the [barf] bag, I was astonished by her reaction. I figured, “Hey, they deal with sort of thing all the time.” But no, she turned her nose at me and told me to put it under the seat! I was shocked. Not only did the people next to me have to deal with the sound of my retching, but now they (and I) had to deal with the faint but lingering smell of puke from the bag and the fact that it would be under the seat for the rest of the four and a half hour flight.
He situates himself, waits until we take off, and proceeds to take off his shoes....first the right, then the left....followed by, of course, his socks - first the right then the left.....he then begins to PICK at the dead, scaly skin on his feet. I'm not kidding - he used his finger nails to scrape, scrape and pull the dead skin from his heels, his toes, the arch of his foot. After a few minutes, I thought - surely someone would say something to stop him. Definitely the poor person sitting next to him would eventually get fed up at the disgustingness of the situation to ask him to stop. Nope...no one - not a flight attendant, NO ONE said a word.
Two rows behind her on the plane was a mother, father, and their young toddler-aged daughter. The daughter misbehaved terribly. She would sing out loud, kick the seat, toss crayons into the aisles, and pretty much just do whatever she wanted. Luckily, the flight wasn't long, because the mother and father never said anything to encourage the child to stop misbehaving. When the flight did land, a woman sitting in front of the parents and child turned and said, "You should know that your child is one of the most worst behaved children I have ever seen," and proceeded up the aisle to disembark. The next thing you know, the mother flies out of her seat and literally runs up the aisle after the woman. The child asks her father, "Where did mommy go?" He tells her, "Mommy's going to kick some ass."

Ah, there's something to be said for road trips, isn't there? More stories here.

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Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

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Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

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It's A Slow News Day Because Everyone's Busy Playing With Omegle

Ina Maier — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:45:00 GMT

So, we figured we'd give it a shot and see what all the fuss was about. For those unfamiliar, Omegle appears to be an anona-chat platform. No profiles, no logins, just a big "Start Chat" button and the chat handles of "You" and "Stranger." Anyway, it's as weird as it sounds.

This was our inaugural Omegle chat.

And then we disconnected.

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Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

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Spanking Judge Is Going To Have A Rough Ride in Prison...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:25:00 GMT

An Alabama gent named Herman Thomas, known in the national news as "The Spanking Judge," was finally charged on Friday with a whopping 57 counts, including extortion, sodomy, kidnapping, and a host of ethics violations. Several hours later, Thomas was out on bond and told to have no contact with young people.

So... how did ex-Judge Herman Thomas get his nickname?

According to various source, Thomas is accused of bringing prisoners from jail to a storage closet next to his office for "paddling sessions." (What, they weren't good enough to be paddled in judge's chambers?) How he got away with that once, let alone multiple times, is beyond us. After all, inmates will sue if their soup is so much as lukewarm one afternoon-- you'd think they would've all filed multimillion dollar civil suits by now.

On top of that, Thomas is accused of trading sex for lighter sentences to violent felons...

We began digging through court documents, one of Thomas's alleged victims was tried and convicted of robbery. Records show instead of locking him up, Thomas gave him probation. Then, that same man was arrested for burglary. Thomas tossed that case out just weeks before it went to trial. That man is now back in jail, accused of murder. Thomas joined him behind bars this afternoon. [MSNBC]
Thomas resigned from the bench in October 2007 amid allegations that he manipulated a jail sentence for his cousin, swapped cases on other judges dockets, and paddled prisoners from Mobile Metro Jail. [WKRG]
[N]umerous individuals... claim Thomas used his position as judge to coerce them for sexual activity, or would punish them for denying such activity. Kulakowski’s investigation also uncovered individuals who claim Thomas engaged them in illegal drug trade and actively used his office to protect drug dealers working with him. [Lagniappe Mobile]

Now we understand why Thomas's bail terms bar him from having any contact with men under the age of 21... and it also sort of explains the paddling.

Here's the full, 57-count indictment.

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Today in WTF?: Man Pours Chili on His Pregnant Girlfriend

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

Domestic disturbances are getting really, um, disturbing lately. First there was the woman who handcuffed herself to her husband and then bit the shit out of him because she wanted to talk and now we hear the story of a man who poured chili on his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want to go to the other room to watch TV.

The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom.

Boyfriend Edd M. Johnson, 21, is accused of kicking the TV and breaking it after she asked that he watch TV in the other room of the residence in the 2900 block of Southeast Delmar Street. The victim went to slice the power cord of the other TV with scissors when police said Johnson grabbed her neck and pulled her away.

The victim called her sister, who called the sheriff’s office. She grabbed her kids and got in her vehicle when Johnson came out with a can of chili.

“Edd also grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured the chili into the vehicle over the drivers seat of the vehicle and on (the vicitm)”

Deputies noted a “brown liquid substance” over the driver’s seat and on the left side of the victim’s face and ear. The 10-month-old child also had some in her hair.

Ew.

One would think that in these tough economic times we should be hoarding non-perishable chili, not using it as a weapon.

[TCPalm: Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument]

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[Image]

Funny Last Names Like Wang On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

Here's a headline we can all appreciate: "Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise."

Normally, a story like that never tops its opening lines, but there are a few glorious quips in here...

A comparison of the 2008 population - using data from a variety of sources - with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls... has fallen by more than 50 per cent.

David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. "'Bottom' names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft' meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name."

So, wangs are on the rise, cocks are shrinking, and balls are hanging at the lower end. Makes sense, sorta.

From the comment section of the Australian, which becomes a word association game featuring places and names of the bathroom-humor variety:

-Being a Hater, I was always teased as a child. Moving to Australia meant I had to call myself Oswald instead of Ozzie for obvious reasons. People still wind me up a bit - but I think it's made me a stronger person.
-Heard of a guy named Bill Stinks, who got teased and laughed at all his young life until he learned in high school that he could change his name by deed poll once he turned 21 years of age. After another 8 years of humilation Bill turned up at the deed poll office right on opening to change his name. He is now called Robert.
-My Grandmother's surname was Winterbottom which got her the nickname 'Frosty Bum.' I'm glad I didn't inherit that surname.

Our parents had a friend called Becky Butts. Our first reaction upon learning this: "And we thought we hated high school."

-Were you aware that in the middle of the last century there were two law firms in Britain that were named respectively 'Glass, Cock and Balls" and "Phibbs and Lyes".

No, but we have retained their services from time to time.

-Try the place names in Britain: I once worked at Braintree, and I once drove past Crinkley Bottom on the way to Cockshoot.

Via the Australian.

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The First Thing We Needed First Thing This Morning

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

This stupid and hilarious video perfectly encapsulates our feelings this morning.

Since it's only 25 seconds long, we won't make this any longer than it has to be: Does that goat sound like Eddie Murphy doing Donkey's voice in Shrek or what? By the way, this also reminds us of what we used to hear through our former roommate's wall-- perhaps he was watching this on repeat?

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Erykah Badu's Stalker

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 18:36:00 GMT

Erykah Badu kept everyone (including Scanner Brian) waiting for her free show at SXSW last week, but she had a good reason. Some obsessive wack job was camped out outside her house.

She twittered it, too, under her handle "fatbellybella": "Police just apprehended a stalker in front of my house. Stay tuned to details."

Here are some of those details...

Driving to Austin now. Just got on road .. Had to file police report .

Poor chic is apparently sick . I feel so awful . Police pepper sprayed her and cuffed her .

White woman mid to late 20's had visited my home 3 or so times . Brought w/ her weird writtings .

I was kind to her first 3 times . I knew something was off . She was wearing a dilla shirt today .

When I came outside she had flowers lined up in front of my house and had spray painted the no parking sign with a peace symbol .

She had several misc. Items spread out in the grass . Blue shutters, a rabbit, a tucan , and a sketch book...

I'm gonna be late for my show ... Messing around with her .

Passing thru Waco now...with dilla played loud .

So .. The lady came to the house 1st time today around 1pm .. After light threats from me and fam she left . Was parked ok the grass in front of my house

So she comes back 30 Min later .. By this time I feel violated for real .. Cause o girl wasn't threatened at all .

Had no choice but to put the ipolice In it . Tried to reason . I felt so bad for her and her dog .

When she saw cops she took off running behind neighbors house
... Obviously she had been to jail b4 cause she wanted no parts of that

By this time there were 6 cop cars , ambulance and a fire truck ..

3 officers chased her on foot whole we all watched .

She finally comes " walking " calmly around corner toward one cop car with that big ass dog

Cop snatched her hand behind her back and she began resisting violently..

Damn I'm late

Hold on my people .

... Anyhow, all I could think of while all this is going on is .. I'm gone be on media take out .. LOL

... Or bossip.com

Scanner Brian adds: "It seemed strange that no one mentioned she would be late. Her group came out without her, late already, kept chanting her name and then abruptly left the stage right at 8pm. The lights went down, so everyone left, angry. As we were at the exit gate, Badu suddenly took the stage, played two songs, and disappeared again. Apparently, they had run out of time and still had to get Explosions in the Sky onstage. Oh well, whatever."

When cops pepper-sprayed, then arrested the fan outside Badu's house, the stalker had arranged various items, like blue shutters, a rabbit, a toucan and a sketch book. Ummm, we would have called the cops, too.

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Today in WTF: Burying Fetishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Have you ever heard of a burial fetish? You have now... and you're about to discover more about it than you ever wanted to...

Readers alerted us to a website for an independent film production company in Massachusetts that churns out "Damsel in Distress" videos, often featured bound-and-gagged women laying on train tracks or-- and this is what caught our attention-- buried up to their necks in dirt and mud.

For their troubles, these "actresses" are paid the following wages:

So, if you just want to do a simple feature, sinking up to the neck (and likely getting rescued!!), you would receive $25 for the feature, for about 60-70 minutes of your time. We supply all the clothing you need, except for what you wear underneath (we recommend a simple bathing suit--one that you don’t mind getting dirty).

If you want to do a full submergence sinking (your head goes completely under), you will receive $50 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Again, we supply the clothing, except what you wear underneath--again, we recommend that you bring your own bathing suit.

Should you wish to bring your own outfit for the video shoot, we'll pay $10 extra to cover your cleaning. Outfits would have to be either a skirt with a top, or a dress, plus your own shoes (no sneakers). Lingerie is also possible, but no pants. We're assuming you have outfits you don't really wear anymore that would get tossed anyways. So, you will receive $35 for sinking up to your neck and bringing your own outfit.

Finally, if you want to wear your own clothes, and go completely under, then you would receive $60 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Note that, for some of the story lines (for instance, the ruthless queen of an Egyptian Pharoah, who meets her deserving end in the shifting sands of the desert) will require special costumes--which we will provide for you. We would not expect any actress to have this type of attire.

This film company is catering to a market that includes visitors to... well. Actually, we couldn't find any "burying fetish" websites. Perhaps someone could explain to us how this is just a harmless "fetish" and that there's no reason to freak out over people getting off on burying terrified women "up to their necks."

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The Worst-Ever Dates

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

A group of "loyal Scanner readers" have created a Post-Secret style blog for anonymous worst-date ever stories.

Some of them sound like good times to us... but, then again, the above photo appears to be an entertaining evening...

We're sure you guys can top these supposed "whoppers," which are more your typical lame date than horrible, tragic, Best-of-Craigslist-worthy tale:

I met a nice and attractive girl at a bar so I asked her out. She told me there was this restaurant she was dying to try so I made reservations for Friday night. The dinner was good, but very expensive. ...she suggested another fancy place. I obliged, but I was determined to go somewhere cheap if it continued beyond the second date. We had great conversation and I was definitely interested in dating her because she was smart, beautiful and well traveled. When I asked her out for date number three I suggested we go bowling. She... proceeded to pout throughout the date. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that dating was the only way she ever got to try these upscale restaurants since she was fired from her job six  months prior. She said she really missed her old lifestyle. I flat out asked her if she had any interest in me beyond my ability to take her to dinner and she shrugged her shoulders. I gave her ten bucks for a taxi and walked out.   
He took me to a local sushi joint and I guess I became quiet because of nerves or something. Frustrated, he picked up a conversation with the two women on my other side. I thought, 'I have got to loosen up here,' but instead proceeded to get drunk on sake. After dinner we went to his house and he asked me if I would like some Champagne and next thing I know I wake up on his couch around 4:00 am. "Hello?" I asked. He comes out of his room and tells me that I passed out so he left me on the couch. Embarrassed, I decide to make it up to him and bring him a bouquet of balloons later that day. I made it to his place, but heard about three or four of the balloons pop thanks to the cottage cheese ceiling in the hallway. He was not home so I wrapped the attached ribbons to the door handle with the card. Before I could tie them in a knot, I lost a few more.
I was obliterated. I stumbled into the bathroom at one point and tripped over an area rug. As my entire body pitched forward toward the sink, I caught a glimpse of my long hair suspended straight up in the air. My mouth, which was about to be a canal for projectile vomit, connected with the rim of the sink. Gonk. When I stood up, bleary-eyed, my two front teeth were broken in half. Like a West Virginia meth addict's. I panicked--but only slightly. Then I puked. I walked out and showed my boyfriend my jagged smile ("loooooook!"), already crying. He had been fixing something on his drum set. He started crying immediately, saying, "You're gonna hate me!" Then he bent over the skeleton of his drum set, bared his front teeth, and smashed his face into the metal. Gonk. Half his two front teeth were gone. Now that's love.
...before I knew it, the girl next to me was deep in conversation with my date, ignoring everyone else around. “Oh where do you live?... Where do you work? Oh wow, my shoulder hurts, doc! Maybe I could see you!” Pretty soon they were the only ones talking and then they exchanged numbers right in front of me! At some point during the crazy evening, he also informed me that he had on leopard print tighty whities with monkeys on them. Great times. I guess the moral of the story is, just because you’re a dreamy doctor, doesn’t mean you can’t also be a douche.

Maybe the moral of these stories is to avoid restaurants and booze. What do you think?

Via MyVeryWorstDate.

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The Rest of the Week Can't Possibly Top This Mr. T Infomercial

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

This video is so gigantic in its awesomeness, the Scanner homepage cannot contain it. But trust us, it's well worth clicking the Read more... for the video goodness.

We were taken aback by the sight of Mr. T without his chains and gold-plated iPhones, but one YouTuber points out that T gave these up when he decided to become a Serious Christian, which made him somehow crazier.

Speaking of "somehow crazier," how is it possible that the man is, indeed, more insane looking without the chains? Kind of like when Prince became "The Artist," T is only drawing attention to his egomania by suddenly being "too good" for only one of many ridiculous aspects of his personality. In other words, he ain't exactly calling himself Laurence Tureaud in his press releases...

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Fox News Enjoys Your Big Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:36:00 GMT

Fox News in Phoenix had one of its poor, long-suffering female correspondents file a report on big butts and why they're absolutely wonderful for your health. Okay, this we gotta see...

"Right in the ol' badonk?" Dirty Diane, clearly you are obsessed. Also, apparently, big butts are what made Beyonce and J-Lo famous and there's no need to work out that much if your ass is gigantic. Thanks, Fox.

We'll never look at apples the same way.

Via MyFoxPhoenix.