Scanner : weird animals

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:03:00 GMT

There's a Lifetime movie in here somewhere... if the female leads in Lifetime movies were kidnapping rapist beauty pageant winners who fall in love with Mormon missionaries, stalk them for decades, change their names, go on the lam, and turn up in the news in 2008 as the owner of cloned dogs...

Time Magazine broke a story that shows Bernann McKinney, owner of five pitbulls she claims to have have had cloned in Seoul from the ear of her beloved (now deceased) former dog, to be, with a great degree of certainty, none other than wanted bail jumper Joyce McKinney, the former Miss Wyoming.

There is so much goodness here, you're just going to have to settle for the original, full-length piece, although here's a taste in the meantime:

The 27-year-old McKinney was accused in court [in 1977]... of abducting 21-year-old Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson from a church in a London suburb... [where] he was chained to a [cottage] bed and forced to have sex with McKinney for three days. McKinney, once a Mormon herself, was said to have formed a crush on him after they'd first had sex in '75. Anderson tried to break off the relationship but McKinney... stalked him to England where [he'd become a] missionary to escape her attentions.
McKinney claimed that she was trying to rekindle her affair with Anderson using techniques of seduction recommended by... The Joy of Sex.
McKinney told the court that the chains, fur-lined manacles, rope, chloroform and wedding trousseau complete with "pink feathers and see-through nighties" were all props for the bondage sessions she planned for [him.] "We had such a fun time — just like old times," McKinney told the court in her native North Carolina drawl. "I love him so much that I would ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to," she added. Such sexual frankness rather stuck out in a magistrates court in sedate, suburban Surrey, England, in those days.

For his part, Anderson claimed that he'd been kidnapped at gunpoint, forced to have sex while chained to the bed (and twice more unchained), and that, despite being six foot four and 240 lbs., had never resisted. "I had made a plan for my release," Anderson testified, "but it wasn't through running away. I was going to cooperate." Even after his ordeal, when McKinney and May drove him back to London and a long lunch in Trafalgar Square, he still cooperated.

We call bullshit on that last paragraph-- the entire paragraph. Anyway, there is some plausibility to this story; McKinney then went on the run with a friend who was also involved in the kidnapping, ending up in police custody in Atlanta, although she was released because her case was felt to be unworthy of an extradition order. In 1984, McKinney was busted again, this time in Utah, outside Anderson's office, with rope and handcuffs in her car. "Consensual," my ass. Soon after, all traces of her disappear... until...

In Seoul... [she] denied... that she is one and the same Joyce McKinney who is still technically a fugitive from British justice... Both [McKinney and Bernann] are former beauty queens, both often use a wheelchair, both owned a pitbull. And on the voter's register of Avery County, the North Carolina birthplace of the onetime Miss Wyoming, there is listed one Joyce Bernann McKinney. A clone perhaps?

Via Time.

The Top 10 Weirdest Sex Laws

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:02:00 GMT

We want to defy the logic of these sex laws.

The Top 10 Weirdest Sex Laws:

10. No one is allowed to have sex in a parked car. Unless the car has (drawn) curtains... in Carlsbad, New Mexico)

9. It's illegal for a woman to take off her clothes while in front of a man's photo in Oxford, Ohio.

8. It is against the law for husbands to to talk dirty ("curse at his wife") during intercourse in Willowdale, Oregon.

7. The missionary position is the only sexual position allowed by law in Washington, DC.

6. Women, married or not, husbands about to die or not, are not allowed to have sex with while riding in an ambulance. "In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment," courtesy of Tremonton, Utah.

5. Giving or receiving head is against the law in 18 states, including Arizona and Utah.

4. For reasons we don't want to know, it's against the law to get it on with a truck driver inside a toll booth in Harrisonburg, PA.

3. Sticking your dick in a porcupine is illegal in Florida. (We'd like to think this law is unnecessary, but we're talking about Florida here...)

2. It is against the law for a man to fire a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm in Connorsville, Wisconsin. (Wait, is he firing a gun to blow her mind? To kill her for coming before him? Because he's been finished for ten minutes and was trying to clean his rifle? What?)

1. And having bestiality with animals is legal for men, "as long as the animal weighs less than 40 pounds," in the great state of Washington.

Honorable Mentions:

It is illegal in Utah to marry your first cousin before the age of 65.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

And "a law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets."

Via Bert C and College Times.

Swan + Swan Boat Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The weirdest and most Disney-worthy love story of our time has come to an end today.

Back in 2006, the universe made up of people who have too much time on their hands (certainly not any of you Scanner readers, of course) read of Petra, the German swan, who had fallen in love with a large white swan. The only reason anyone besides overly romantic lovers, park flashers, and the rest of the country's nature lovers even knew about this is because the large white swan was, in fact, a pedal boat.

Petra, a tiny black swan, followed the boat around a Munster lake for days at a time, and seemed unperturbed by her celebrity and media attention. During the '06-'07 winter season, the boat's owner was forced to remove the boat from the lake but was not going to be the bad guy in this story and had Petra move into an indoor pond in the city... along with her boyfriend.

The first sign of trouble was noted more than a year ago in a Der Spiegel story:

Wildlife experts hope she will lose interest in the boat when she gets to know the other black swans living in the pond. "There are four singles among them. So there's hope," said zookeeper Monika Ewering.

Today, Weird News confirmed that although their long courtship had lasted much longer than anyone thought, and was thought to be thriving through this past summer when both were out on the lake again, Petra and The Boat have indeed split up:

Zoo director Joerg Adler says Petra and her new mate - a white swan - are building a nest together.
The boat is to be returned to its local owner on Thursday.

Happy hour is starting early for us today, folks, sniff.

[Image courtesy the Associated Press and link via Weird News.]

Balancing Spaniel Warms Our Hearts and Makes Us Feel Kind of Tired

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:31:00 GMT

This 8-year-old King Charles Spaniel has more purpose in her life than anyone you know. She balances shit on her head and body while in a "trance-like state" for hours at a time. The bitch puts that circus seal and his red ball to shame. She's got steel implants in her legs and a weak heart, but still she is pulling off shit like this:

The only trick our dog ever learned was how to steal sandwiches off the kitchen counter, and it wasn't because we taught him how. Little asshole doesn't even know how to make a decent cup of coffee let alone balance a plate with yogurt on it for 5 hours.

"The World's Only Hairy, Breathing, Lactating Fish"

Bryan Christian — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:19:00 GMT

OK, so, when we clicked on this Reddit headline:

... we were not expecting to find a page dedicated to the capybara. Swear to God, we had something entirely different in mind. Click through to see what.

What? Too obscure?