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Before There Was Operation There Were Creepy Pregnancy Dolls

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:33:00 GMT

Because how was anyone supposed to learn about the innards of the human body before Milton Bradley?

So, yeah, if creepy wooden dolls with creepy wooden babies hanging from creepy wooden vaginas by creepy umbillical cords made of godknowswhat are your thing, you should totally click through for the picture. As long as painted-on stretch marks don't bother you.

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[Via BuzzFeed]

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Attention, ladies: Gerard Butler's next movie features the actor in a nude scene.

Bruno has been slapped with an NC-17 rating for pervasive sexxx.

Josh Hartnett is in the hospital for stomach pains. Cue gerbil allegations in three, two...

The weirdest (but maybe most interesting) story in ages: the woman who starved her 1-year-old son to death because her cult would not let the boy eat unless he said "Amen" pled guilty in the most unusual plea deal we've ever heard of. Prosecutors claim that the only way they could get her to take the deal was to promise-- and this they had to do in open court-- that, should the child be resurrected (as his mother claims he will one day), the charges are withdrawn. God bless Baltimore, baby.

A boy (age unknown) won a $2.3 million negligence settlement against the physician who botched his circumcision. I wouldn't do it for anything less than moving the decimal point two places to the right.

Oprah Winfrey's famous South African school is seeing its second sex scandal in as many years.

Sarah Palin has to pick a Democrat to fill a state Senate seat in Alaska. So, of course, she has a Republican switch his voter registration, say that there was something "wrong" with it, and take the seat. This is totally excusable politics, except for the fact that they're so sneaky and lie about their reasoning, the Democrats who have to accept this will never do it. Can Governor Palin do anything right?

A bunch of Somali pirates attacked... a decoy ship filled with troops looking for pirates to capture. Nice.

And Holly Madison claims to have insisted on "minimal" Photoshopping at Playboy during her time there.

The First Thing We Needed First Thing This Morning

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

This stupid and hilarious video perfectly encapsulates our feelings this morning.

Since it's only 25 seconds long, we won't make this any longer than it has to be: Does that goat sound like Eddie Murphy doing Donkey's voice in Shrek or what? By the way, this also reminds us of what we used to hear through our former roommate's wall-- perhaps he was watching this on repeat?

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Today in WTF: Burying Fetishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Have you ever heard of a burial fetish? You have now... and you're about to discover more about it than you ever wanted to...

Readers alerted us to a website for an independent film production company in Massachusetts that churns out "Damsel in Distress" videos, often featured bound-and-gagged women laying on train tracks or-- and this is what caught our attention-- buried up to their necks in dirt and mud.

For their troubles, these "actresses" are paid the following wages:

So, if you just want to do a simple feature, sinking up to the neck (and likely getting rescued!!), you would receive $25 for the feature, for about 60-70 minutes of your time. We supply all the clothing you need, except for what you wear underneath (we recommend a simple bathing suit--one that you don’t mind getting dirty).

If you want to do a full submergence sinking (your head goes completely under), you will receive $50 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Again, we supply the clothing, except what you wear underneath--again, we recommend that you bring your own bathing suit.

Should you wish to bring your own outfit for the video shoot, we'll pay $10 extra to cover your cleaning. Outfits would have to be either a skirt with a top, or a dress, plus your own shoes (no sneakers). Lingerie is also possible, but no pants. We're assuming you have outfits you don't really wear anymore that would get tossed anyways. So, you will receive $35 for sinking up to your neck and bringing your own outfit.

Finally, if you want to wear your own clothes, and go completely under, then you would receive $60 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Note that, for some of the story lines (for instance, the ruthless queen of an Egyptian Pharoah, who meets her deserving end in the shifting sands of the desert) will require special costumes--which we will provide for you. We would not expect any actress to have this type of attire.

This film company is catering to a market that includes visitors to... well. Actually, we couldn't find any "burying fetish" websites. Perhaps someone could explain to us how this is just a harmless "fetish" and that there's no reason to freak out over people getting off on burying terrified women "up to their necks."

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"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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19th Century Women Stuck a Cork in It

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:43:00 GMT

Everyone's heard that urban legend about some girl from their high school and the hot dog. As ancient as that story is, it turns out that women have been inserting foreign objects into themselves much longer that that.

A two-volume set of books from 1880, "A Treatise on Foreign Bodies in Surgical Practice," has gone up for auction on eBay, and its list of objects found in women's vaginas shocked even us.

That list includes ("listed in order of frequence"):

Needle-cases.
Beer-glass.
Goblet.
Box of pomade.
Compass.
Tin cup.

Leech.

Piece of a glass syringe.

At post time, the auction, titled "EXTRACTION OF AN ALIVE LEECH FROM THE VAGINA" (there's an attention-grabber) was up to $46.

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Via BoingBoing

Ask a Porn Star a Bunch of Weird Sex Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:38:00 GMT

Are you guys fans of "Ask a Porn Star," the mainstray of the San Francisco Bay Guardian's blog? Sex SF, the sex-positive web corner for the Guardian, has been running these strange interviews for ages, but we've ignored the majority of them until now.

This week, blogger and promising young porn star Stephen Boyer answers your our the interviewer's burning questions about Viagra, boring porn sex, trannies, and getting a foot shoved up your bum...

I tried to do a scene with a trans-woman once and she couldn’t get it up. Then she started to complain that she was sick. After that, she started having all of these negative body issues and eventually broke into tears. A few minutes later, she was saying she wanted to leave the porn world once and for all.
One of the boys had just turned 18 and had recently run away from home because his parents were really conservative. He was struggling to pay rent so he got into porn. The “Survivor” thing was his first shoot and the director wanted him to bottom, but not just for anyone; the director specifically made him bottom for a guy with a 12-inch dick that was also really thick. When the boy’s scene finally came up, everyone was watching because no one believed he could take it. But he did.

We've spared you the next sentence, which involves a serious amount of blood and other gross descriptions. Here are a few other highlights from the life of the budding adult film star:

I have used Viagra before but it isn’t something I practice and do regularly because I don’t need it.
[Does his butthole return to normal after having a foot inside it?] For the most part, yes, it does. But I don’t have anal sex that much, especially after a rigorous scene like that. The first hour or two after the scene, I felt like I couldn’t hold my stomach in, but after a good night’s sleep everything began to close back up. Now, it’s like, I shart but not any more than a normal person. Sharting is still a rare occurrence in my life, if that’s what you’re wondering.

We weren't, but if you're intrigued, you can read the rest of this unusual interview here.

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Next in Virtual Sex: The Real Touch Porn Device

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:56:00 GMT

At the Adult Expo in Vegas earlier this month, everyone was talking about The RealTouch, basically a masturbation device for the virtual reality era, which, if we're not mistaken, was in 1992.

While this item is of questionable modern day relevance, we had to share it with you because of its revolutionary combination of internet porn, sleek design, and Sasha Grey... seriously.

Developed by a guy who used to work for NASA (or so he claims-- the space people aren't talking), the RealTouch is best described by its manufacturer. (Warning: Porny language and offensive, arguably derogatory comments about women.)

Simply connect the USB cable to your computer and in just moments you're synched up to the hot sex on the screen. Feel every flick of her tongue, every clinched muscle, and every tremble of her body as she comes. No other product captures the delicate nuances of the female body quite like RealTouch. Whether you prefer amazing blowjobs, fucking a tight ass, or a wet pussy, the revolutionary design of RealTouch lets you break all the rules without breaking any promises.

One blogger notes: "Cleaning seems a bit problematic (and questionably hygienic) as the unit cannot be submerged in water or placed in your dishwasher."

For all this gooey greatness (if this is your thing, that is-- for us, we'll stick to actual sex, thanks), you'll be paying $150. For that, they'll throw in Amy Fisher, Gianna Michaels, Jada Fire, Jenna Haze, and Sasha Grey, to name a few, all of whom appear in virtual reality-style porn point-of-view flicks that apparently come with the device. (This hasn't been made clear and the site doesn't yet allow for purchases.)

We'll also satsify your desires [says the girl in the introductory video] with a walk on the wild side: try trannies, midgets, or well-hung shemales!

Good luck and please do not let us know how it worked for you.

Via RealTouch.

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Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:49:00 GMT

"Mr Forrest said it was nice to hear he had a measure of support. 'I think the six months is a bit stiff, but I knew there'd be consequences,' he said."

There's an interesting postscript to this otherwise predictable story about an Australian bowling alley regular who is banned from patronizing the establishment for six months after running naked across the lanes after a night of heavy boozing...

Oddly enough, and perhaps because the indomitable Mr. Forrest has a huge pin of his own, but for some reason, the women interviewed for the story about his banishment all disagree with the ban-- including the women who witnessed his streak. Here's one quote from a Northern Territory News piece:

A member - who didn't want to give her name - said the six-month ban was "ridiculous".
"I just thought it was hilarious.
"He's got a great body and a great personality ... full of life - there's too many sour people nowadays."
The member admitted she was annoyed she had missed the Full Monty moment.

You gotta wonder what she would've said if he had the body of, say, a professional bowler from Tennessee...

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Boob, Boob, Boob, Boob, Boob...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:20:00 GMT

We stopped watching at about 1:24 so we could share this with you that much faster.

First person to explain to us what the hell this is win's... nothing.

Unemployed? How About Applying For the Best Job in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

If we told you that there was a job that involved feeding fish, looking hot on a beach, and shooting the breeze on a casual and entirely trivial blog, and that the job was available and pays a hundred grand for a mere six months of "work," and that job was on the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef, how many rival applicants would you personally bump off to have a better chance of landing it?

Seriously, though, this job is even more awesome than getting paid $10,000 a week to post nipple slips...

Between NPR coverage, Weird News stories, and the website's constantly-crashing home page, we were able to cull a top ten list of reasons to apply for the temporary position:

1) It pays $100,000 a year.

2-10) Holy Christ-- a $100,000 to lounge about in a bathing suit! That's better than having a sugar mama/daddy...

That's no exaggeration-- your job would be to show potential tourists how freakin' awesome the Great Barrier Reef is and to lure travelers from all over the world via your lavish and ridiculously enjoyable lifestyle. Of course, the fine print here isn't the fact that you are a 24/7 spokesperson/model for an island, it's the insanely fierce competition to even be noticed for an interview in the first place...

"I guess we expected there'd be a certain percentage of nutters and nudies,"

A woman in Greece promises - via a scroll of words across the screen - to wash all of Australia's laundry and even clean up up after the kangaroos.

Another video shows a woman standing on a street belting out an original song. Some applicants simply stare at the camera and beg.

On Thursday, a team of 10 people - whom, Hayes noted, were starting to look "pretty nervous" - were sifting through the 2,000 video applications the department had already received, with tens of thousands more expected before the Feb. 22 deadline. [Weird News]

Still want to wade into this (cess?)pool? Click here to read more about the position and to apply... assuming the site hasn't crashed again from all the desperate jobseekers...

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If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

...you might not want to do it front of cameras and startled onlookers...

...as English lass Emma Modrate has learned the hard way. (Side note: although the original article in the Sun doesn't mention it, it was most likely a blow job. Ah, the Sun... topless women running rampant in its pages for no reason, but God forbid they use the words "oral sex" in order to clarify what the hell they're rambling on about.)

The most amusing thing about this story is that a) Modrate has made thirty-three court appearances in just ten years and b) the judge's actual words to her?

“It seems the probation service have more faith in you than I have. I have reviewed your case over the last year and it seems you have been going backwards. However, I am going to give you one more chance."

Apparently, Emma's boyfriend gave her two chances... to finish up the blow job that is. Closed-circuit footage of the incident indicates that Liam Dougherty, whom the Sun barely even mentions (you know, because the guy shouldn't get in trouble at all for this), kept coming back for more. It must not have been all that wonderful, since the dude decided to converse with a passing hobo, who we're sure reflected philosophically, Kevin Smith-style, on the state of blow jobs in this confused and diversified world of ours...

Oh, and here's the Sun's photo of this woman... we don't condone laughing at someone's appearance... so let's all laugh at the fact that she's a smoker!

While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:16:00 GMT

These excerpts from Pravda RU (an online newspaper not to be confused with Russia's other Pravda newspaper, which is also available online) made us laugh even harder than we did when we saw this imaginary "orgasm face."

Since, we all know, there is no such thing as the female orgasm.

Here are our favorite moments from an unsigned series of articles on the mysterious G spot, clitoris, and female ejaculatory function:

Female orgasm is probably one of the most mysterious phenomena in the world. There is very little precise knowledge about this phenomenon, some people hardly believe in it, although they do think that one needs to talk about it. Female orgasm is like the divine afflation – it is different and unique every time and all the time.
Some think that the clitoris is the most important organ in the process of achieving female orgasm, whereas others prefer to point out the importance of the vagina, or even both. Another theory says that female orgasm is a pure myth, which party girls made up to steal other women’s husbands.
The state of affairs with male orgasm is simple: relatively long frictions result in a small explosion and a little bit of moaning and panting, and it is pretty much it. A man ejaculates a substance, which incarnates the triumph of the materialistic philosophy over the idealistic philosophy: there is no God, “a spark will kindle a flame” if no contraception is used.
[To find the G spot] According to Grafenberg, one needs to insert two fingers in the vagina (fingertips turned upwards) and move them around.
[A] woman’s ability to experience orgasm can be determined through a simple and inexpensive procedure. [Yes, it's called letting me take her to dinner.]

But seriously-- these are actual excerpts. We were trying to eat, so we read no further for fear of choking to death on lunch prepared by our subservient wives. However, we did notice Pravda's other headlines of the morning:

Israel prepares to wipe Gaza Strip off Earth’s face

The absurd persistence of domination: Of speciesism, capitalism, and shaking their foundations

Ukraine’s unprofessional president and prime minister to kill the nation

Wonder if these people are hiring English translators...

More here and here. Image via this link.

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Men's Health Knows (almost nothing about) What To Say To A Naked Woman

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Since their post does not include a publication date, we cannot say for certain, but we would put at least a few dollars on this Men's Health piece having been greenlit during the slow holiday season.

Yesterday, someone alerted us to their piece entitled "The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman." It might as well have been titled "10 Hot Things To Say To A Woman You've Slept With More Than Once And 20 Things To Earn You 'Weirdo' Status..."

Below, we present the most cringe-inducing entries from their list, by order of discovery. While most won't be red flags or dealbreakers, it's hard to imagine situations where even a few of these would come in handy:

1. "Good morning." [Okay, far from disturbing and practically essential... but #1 Hottest Thing to Say to a Naked Woman?!]

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot." [How creative!]

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now." [Lame!]

26. "Damn, I've missed you."

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

No word on whether 29 is supposed to be said with a whimpering desperation in your voice... or while holding an ax.

Via Men's Health.

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Teens Identified In Robbery After Mom Walks By

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Here's your dumb criminals of the month: not only were they caught preparing for the robbery, chased out of the targeted store by a woman with a flyswatter, but after being tackled by a random security guard who was on to them before they even put on their "masks," one of them realized his Mom was one of the gawking bystanders.

The weirdness continues below...

1) Herman Sakaria, a local security guard, was heading toward his car when he noticed two sixteen-year-old males covering over their license plate. Sensing something was up, he lurked in the shadows and watched as the youths put plastic bags over their faces (!) and pulled out steak knives.

2) The youths ran into a store and demanded cash. For some reason, Stuff.co.nz's version of the story insists upon describing the store's proprietors as a "a Korean man and woman" (while, at the same time, ignoring the ethnicities of the culprits and their captor, depicted above in a censored photo taken by an onlooker.)

3) The shopkeepers chased the kids out without using a weapon, apparently, although the woman did beat one of the kids with... a flyswatter. Meanwhile, Sakaria was waiting for the robbers and tackled them as they left the premises.

4) Sakaria held the boys down until police arrived (in America, the story would've gone: "he eventually was forced to release the boys after twenty minutes because the police hadn't respond to the 9-1-1 call, assuming someone had dialed it at all.") While one of the boys was moaning and groaning under the guard's knee, he looked up and noticed a woman walking by. "Oh shit," he said, "There's my mum."

5) The boys could received up to 14 years in prison apiece.

Coda) The bizarrely-written story concludes:

"Police say the incident is a reminder for Rodney residents to batten down the hatches during the Christmas and holiday period to divert potential robberies and burglaries."

A reminder based on what? This incident, which closer to theater than crime, is a reminder that someone might burglarize our apartments? Whatever you say, coppers...

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Video of the Day: Brickhead

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Watch this guy, who is clearly more talented than anyone appearing on this week's Top 40 list or on any "reality" competition show, balance a brick shitload of bricks on his head.

We're talking almost two dozen bricks, it seems, by the time he takes off speedwalking... along a gangplank. You'll just have to see for yourself...

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Thousands of Naked Japanese Men Reach For the Big Stick

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:12:00 GMT

In Saidaiji, Japan, the local men are forming groups consisting of loincloth-wearing friends and practicing chants in their garages. No, they aren't starting an Old School-style adult fraternity. They are gearing up for the annual Naked Man Festival, which is both better and more disappointing than its name applies.

After the jump: "Hadaka ni narimashou!" Which roughly translates to, "Let's get naked!"

According to one travel website, the festival reaches its climax at 11:59 on a cold February eve:

As midnight nears, the outside lights are cut off leaving just a yellow glow inside the temple showing hundreds of men in their white fundoshi, stretching their arms up to the Gods, waiting for the shingi to be dropped. [Via]

What is the shingi? It's a piece of wood that is supposed to bring the catcher, as well as his teammates, good luck for one year. In other words, thousands of naked men, crammed together in near darkness, wait breathlessly for a giant boner to be thrown their way. Hmmm...

There is a reason why it is called the naked man festival.

The man designated the “Spirit Man” is actually completely naked. There is a ritual performed prior to the start of the actual festival when he is stripped naked and completely shaven of ALL bodily hair. His task is to then walk from one end of the street to the shrine at the opposite end.

Of course to get there, he has to make his way through all that mass of other men in fundoshi (loin cloth) who are tossing water, possibly drunk from all that sake, and all struggling to touch the Spirit Man for good luck. So somewhere in that mass is one lone naked man being grabbed by a bunch of other men.

So yes, OMG, this is soooo gay is right. LOL. [Via]

Whatever. Just send us the hilarious video from this year's event, guys.

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Ayn Rand Dating Site: Worst Form of Hell or Best Idea Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:57:00 GMT

That headline may be a bit misleading, so let's clarify.

The question is, which side are we on, the side that thinks an Ayn Rand matchmaking site is the scariest thing ever or the side that sees this as a great way to keep crazy egomaniacs away from Nerve and other dating sites, and therefore out of our gene pool?

When we read about this in last week's New York, part of us thought it was funny-- "look at these freaks in their freak kingdom! They're so direct and honest, they're like World of Warcraft nerds with their 'Must be a level 2,030,394 gamer or don't IM me.' It's almost adorable!" Then we started thinking about it: this may be the greatest dating site ever. Why hadn't we thought of it before? Create a bunch of dating sites that would attract the scary types away from Nerve and the rest of the supposedly "general" dating sites, leaving only (potentially) decent candidates.

If you don't believe us, just take a gander at the quality profiles already created for The Atlasphere:

Michael, Naples, Florida
Long ago a very dear friend, Angie, turned me on to Ayn Rand and Atlas Shrugged.

Parenthetically, she also turned me on in other ways. Alas, our relationship remained Platonic.

Contact Me If You … : are Angie.

dpvabc, Edmonton, Canada
My name is Daniel. I consider myself to be a born-again egoist and I have dedicated the rest of my life to self-improvement. People see me as a socially inept loner because I tend to avoid superficial conversation but actually I love talking to people who like to think (the problem being I don’t know very many).

thustotyrants, Selden, New York
[I am] short, stark, and mansome.

You should contact me if you are a skinny woman.

Curiously, few of the applicants seem to be females. Wonder why...

Via New York.

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Generate This: Facebook Status Generator For The Lazy, Self-Obsessed

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 18:43:00 GMT

We've all done it: signed on to Facebook, seen that status update at the top, the one that hasn't been updated since 2006, still saying you're at a great party and wish everyone was there. So, you clear the status and say to yourself, "Why can't I be brilliant and creative and sound like I'm getting laid just to prove to that Racer X guy that I can?"

Well, you could do ~~worse~~ better than this silly new website: generateus.

Here are some of the Facebook status updates it came up for me, based on my name and my gender:

Brian knows he's getting old when he stoops to tie his shoes and wonders what else he can do while he's down there
Brian loves his job. That's why he saves it for later.

That one works: it's true that I'm just getting it together this afternoon. But man, could these be any more dull? Why not just clear your status and stop Tweeting and boring people with our every move?

Brian is contemplating internal combustion, since the match won't stay lit long enough to ignite the gunpowder he's eaten today.
Brian is embarrassing his children. A full time occupation.
Brian wonders whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

Come on, if we have this kind of time, why don't we come up with better bullshit on our own?

Via generateus.

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Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Our favorite "stripper" of ill-repute, Ms. Jocelyn Testes-Harder (hey, that's kind of a funny name), has returned to rescue us from this crushingly slow news day, with tips on saving the environment:

"I've been lowering the totals on our costly water bill by making the kids bathe together, and forcing them to poop in the back yard..."

But Jocelyn, your water bill can't be that much, can it? I mean, there's got to be a better way to save money than cutting down on toilet usage. What about things you spend a lot of money on?

"[Well,] I've also found that a condom can be reused if you simply turn it inside out and wipe it off with a dry paper towel."

Oh, boy, Jocelyn... Scanner Emily is going to be furious when she hears about this. Well, at least you actually use condoms, unlike many women your age. Speaking of women your own age, how can we cut down on the CFCs emitted from feminine hygeine products?

"When you use things like hair products and spray paint you should try to avoid spraying them directly. Instead you should spray the product into a rag, huff on the rag until the fumes dissipate, and then apply to the intended surface.

Reducing what ends up in landfills is also a major goal of the environmentally conscious. So burn whatever you can rather than throwing it away, especially larger items like mattresses and refrigerators. And never throw out something that you can reuse."

Except for that last line, we're pretty sure your advice is complete madness. Nonetheless, we look forward to your expert opinion again soon. Until then, make sure to check out Jocelyn's blog here. It's shittacular.

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Cornell Is Obsessed With Armpit Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

The ladies of prostegious Cornell University have an axillism fetish: they all seemingly want their boyfriends to have sex with their (sometimes hairy) armpits...

Axillism is defined by Sex Lexis as "sexual climax achieved by masturbating the penis in the armpit of a partner." At Cornell, apparently, it's known as "Tuesday night."

My boyfriend won’t fuck my armpit.
As far as I can tell, there is no lady-on-lady equivalent, and no name for the desire to be the receiving partner. Which would have been me. If Boyf would have just shut up and done it.
I first found out about axillism right here in The Sun, when my dear friend Ariela Rutkin-Becker printed an article in defense of the armpit called “Pity for the Pits.” In it, Ariela praises the pit and mentions the radical love some have for it with a caveat: “You should keep those personal details to yourself. The world just might not be ready for that quite yet.” Well here we go, world, ready or not.

The writer of the above is Liana Mancini, who continues her Cornell Sun tome by admitting that, prior to growing a forest in her pits, she had no interest in experiencing axillism. Now, even with a disinterested boyfriend (the jerk!), she's even willing to try self-axillism rather than go back to regular sex:

I started with a little touching. Nothing. A little stroking. Still nothing. I talked a little dirty to my pits in the hopes of arousing their inner beasts. Hell, I damn near tried to contort myself so I could see if maybe they just needed insertion from different angles. Nothing! Call me a quitter, but after twenty minutes of trying to woo my tufts into magical sensations, I gave up. I guess a pit-job really is for the benefit of the penis-bearer. But not my penis-bearing boyfriend. Gosh.

Well, there's always vibrators, Liana...

Via the Cornell Sun.

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Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Over the past few days, China held one of its "wildest" sex fairs, the Guangzhou Sex Culture Festival highlighted cultural artifacts like "condoms" and "sex toys" to the bafflement of many attendees...

Seriously, it sounds like your typical sexfest, except for a choice word that threw us for a loop:

This year's festival features activities ranging from talks on birth control such as condoms to sex toys, a photo show on sexual health and eugenics, forums on sexology, quizzes and lingerie shows.

Ahead of the festival, sexologists gave a series of lectures to middle school and college students, as well as migrant workers. The goal was to improve sexual knowledge and awareness of safe sex, said Zhang Feng, chief of the Guangdong Provincial Commission of Population and Birth Control.

By the way:

eugenics
–noun (used with a singular verb) the study of or belief in the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population, esp. by such means as discouraging reproduction by persons having genetic defects or presumed to have inheritable undesirable traits (negative eugenics) or encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics).

We were a bit disturbed by the inclusion of eugenics, but what should we have expected, seeing that this is China we're talking about?

A six-month survey of 65 such workers found 45 unmarried people aged 18 to 25 had premarital sex. The study also found that the migrants changed sex partners more frequent than local urbanites, said Zheng Lixin, deputy head of the Guangdong Provincial Institute of Birth Control Science and Technology.

"Migrants showed greater tolerance toward sex and were more liberal with sex partners," Zheng said.

Isn't it the same in the US? The unwashed masses are the liberals, with their babymaking and welfare moms, and the pristine conservatives having exactly 2.5 children and waiting until their affairs to have intercourse?

Promiscuity among migrants, which had caused sexual and reproduction problems, was endangering the reproductive health of this group of people, warned Zheng, who didn't elaborate.

Yes, because promiscuity among the upper classes never cause sexual and reproduction problems. Keep on keepin' on, China....

Via China Daily.

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Whoops! We Sent You Home With The Wrong-Gendered Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:34:00 GMT

One Romanian mother got the shock of her life when she went to change her "daughter's" diaper for the first time...

One of our favorite movies is Once Upon A Time in America, which we saw at a young enough age that, upon watching the scene where De Niro and James Woods switch all the name tags on the babies, we were quite traumatized by the idea of a baby swap. Could we have the wrong parents? Nah-- we share too many of the same genes, like the crazy gene and the utter confusion at anything people say gene.

Anyway, enough about that.

A woman who have birth to a baby girl had the shock of her life when she went home from hospital and changed its nappy for the first time - and discovered bumbling nurses had given her a boy instead.

Cristina Zahariuc, 35, from Horlesti in Iasi county, Romania, said she hadn't suspected a thing because the baby was handed over wearing the clothes she had provided.

"Only when I got home and I invited some friends and the baby's godparents to see her did I notice my girl had an penis. I was paralysed," she said.

Look, everybody! My daughter has an amazing vagina! Uh oh.

"It was very strange though. We were calling the hospital to tell them about the confusion and they were hanging up on us saying we should stop fooling around. They thought we were playing tricks on them," he said.

No, they were afraid of you because of this thing called a "lawsuit," which they surely have coming to them. After all, what if the swapped baby had been a girl? Would Mom have found out? And what about the other family? Certainly, they must be ready to file themselves...

One more thing: we understand names may have gotten swapped if two nurses picked the two babies up to be changed and played baby toss or something, but how did the clothes get swapped?

Via news.com.au.

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Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Men's Health (apparently the South African edition) has just published the "41 ways to melt a woman's heart," which should be subtitled "or compel her to obtain a restraining order."

Guys, don't try these at home... at least... not all of them.

Like all lists of advice for relationships, the value of the wisdom depends on the personalities. For example, see #3.

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

We know quite a few ladies who get off on a guy who does not rush over to meet them, instead leans back with a sly smile and waits for his girl to meet him where he's already standing. But that's a trivial issue compared to some of these other creeptastical suggestions:

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice. [Yeah, and not necessarily in a good way. Dudes, don't forget, some women appreciate it when you don't shave before you see them.]
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. [Hmmm... why does this sound creepy all of a sudden?]
27. Worship her breasts.
28. Give her jewellery.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

Right. Make sure to be standing there, motionless and in complete silence, when she yanks the shower curtain over.

And although we're pretty sure this one's meant to be silly, after the above choices, we're not so sure:

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex...
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

Via Men's Health.

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Presidential Candidate Dogs Annoy The Sh*t Out Of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:26:00 GMT

After 4,000 votes, the above-pictured dog was named the winner of the "My Dog Looks Like Obama" photo competition.

While we understand that dog lovers can't control their urges to share their boring candids with the rest of us, there's something that sticks in our collective craws about these pics...

And wait till you see the McCain lookalike winner...

The Obama winner, first off, is Amore Francine of Mt. Clemens, MI, a boxer weighing a mere 52 pounds. (Insert Cassius Clay joke here.) Amore, by the way, couldn't give a cat's ass about his latest triumph, insisting that he has no opinion on the US Presidential race: "Whichever one keeps me in the most red balls and spikes my water bowl with J&B, that's the one I lick-- er, like-- the best."

And here's your "My Dog Looks Like McCain" winner... and some equally brutal runners up:

Now that's more like it. (The others, plus more about this silly contest, can be found here.)

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Lizzy Caplan, Not To Be Outdone By Anna Paquin, Takes It Off For True Blood

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We have no idea who this Lizzy Caplan person is, but she has graciously agreed to match the nudity donation offer by her True Blood co-star Anna Paquin, who herself kicked off our weekend last Friday...

We gotta say, however, that this True Blood show is one of the weirdest shows we've ever seen. It's like Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossed with a Shannon Tweed film and directed by an inebriated and deceased Edgar Allen Poe. Check out what happens when the vampiric actors get jiggy with it... magical CGI shoots out of their hands and... wait, what is that coming out of her boobs?

The video is here (obviously NSFW.) Enjoy-- or scratch your head and wonder and enjoy... and happy Friday.

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What's Wrong With This Picture... Of Her Hand?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 19:11:00 GMT

When we ask you what's wrong with this picture of Sarah Palin's hand, we're not talking about the right one...

Check out her left hand in the below, after the jump photo. Does this mean something or do you think it, uh, got dropped somewhere along the way by accident?

She's not wearing her wedding ring. And according to one unconfirmed blog post (even we won't give that any credence), this isn't the first time in recent days she's been photographed without it. If she and Todd are breaking up, why would they do it now and why would they make it so obvious?

There's got to be another explanation, no? (Besides the perennial internet favorite: "it's a fake!") If not and Todd has had enough of her alleged cheating, say goodbye to a Palin Vice-Presidency...

Via 700WLW.

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Commercial Features Nothing But Bikini Girls On Pogo Sticks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

This commercial has been airing across the pond in the UK for some time now, although no one's really sure what it is...

...until the end, we're guessing...

We're not sure if the tagline "This is a film about insurance" is on the original ad or not, but it makes it so much more ridiculous. This is a film? Hell, this isn't even an ad... unless Trident Insurance is really a redirect to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar mail order department...

Via Ad Gabber.

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