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Italy's Woman of the Year Acting the Part of the Crazed Sex Fiend in Court

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:28:00 GMT

Is Amanda Knox putting on a Crazy Person act to get away with murder only a Crazy Person could commit?

Italy's Trial of the Century pits Washington State college student Knox against an Italian prosecution that just doesn't know what to make of this loony American. (Yes, we do make them loonier here-- just be grateful she's not from Florida.) They've had to put up with all manner of antics, including the above-pictured shirt (on Valentine's Day, no less), kissing her co-defendant, and discussing her pink rabbit vibrator in open court...

Knox, 21, is accused of murdering her British roommate after a sex game went wrong-- or, some say, she planned it all along and joked about it being a thrill killing afterward. Her DNA (and the victim's) were found on a knife that may have been the murder weapon. Here's the rundown on how she's handled the early part of the trial so far:

-casually discussing the trial with an interpreter during recesses as if facing a misdemeanor charge instead of allegations of a brutal sex game slaying and coverup
-the All You Need Is Love t-shirt. A t-shirt to a trial? Either you are indeed a crazy person or you grew up in Florida

-walking "like a Hollywood diva sashaying along the red carpet" (says the Daily Mail)
-while awaiting interrogation after the murder, she occupied herself by working out, doing cartwheels, stretches, and splits in the police station
-her accomplice/boyfriend made out with her and she giggled and stuck her tongue out at him when they were later separated
-and one that wasn't really her fault: she had to answer questions in court about the pink rabbit-shaped vibe police discovered in her apartment. She giggled and said it was a gag gift from a friend. [Seattle Times]

One criminologist tells the Seattle Times that Knox's silliness could be a defense mechanism in reaction to her own pain and suffering. While we have seen that kind of thing before, usually the person in question is at least nervous, afraid, or mildly upset at some point...

Either way, things don't look promising for Italy's 2008 Woman of the Year.

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Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

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Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

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Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

You thought Natural Born Killers was a sick Tarantino-Oliver Stone fantasy that could never come true? The story of Amanda Knox, named Italy's "Woman of the Year" for 2008 proves it could, and sooner than you think...

Knox, a 21-year-old from Seattle (her current address is in an Italian prison), was living with fellow student Meredith Kircher at the time of Kircher's horrendous murder, which involve a slit throat and, according to the prosecution, an agonizingly slow demise. Knox claims that smoking a bit of hash that evening has made the events somehow confusing, although she claims to remember hearing Kircher's screams, during which a "scared" Knox covered her ears.

Actually, claim the authorities, Knox was the one causing the screaming, while her boyfriend and another friend cut the innocent girl's throat, as part of some sick manga-inspired experiment. Helping the state's case are the books found on the suspects, the contents of which include a passage about killing vampires. (Kircher had dressed as a vampire for Halloween 2007, which had taken place the night before.)

So, apparently, Italy has no famous women of its own (what happened to the hot model auctioning off her own virginity?) and must select visiting psychopaths. And really, is she so hot they couldn't have gone with the obvious #2, Sarah Palin, instead?

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Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

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[Image]

Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:16:00 GMT

This is a story to make your balls retract into your stomach, a la Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions" character.

Charlie Manning (who actually gave his name to reporters for no good reason) just collected a cool 300 grand from the State of Washington, thanks to their terrible prison system. Not bad for less than a year of his time... although, there is that problem of his having left jail without a penis and second testicle...

Washington state has agreed to pay $300,000 to an ex-prison inmate whose penis was consumed by a flesh-eating bacteria while he was behind bars.
Charlie Manning told The Seattle Times Monday he will have $115,000 left after paying attorney's fees arising from his lawsuit and other bills. He expects to get the money this week.
"It's been a nightmare," Manning said. "I figured I should settle for what I could get because I just want it behind me. It's unreal. It's like something from Mars."
Manning, 61, was serving a 13-month sentence for a drunken fight when he became ill. The prison doctor wrongly diagnosed his symptoms as an allergic reaction to medication. It turned out he had necrotizing fasciitis and the bacteria destroyed his penis and one testicle.

Good Lord, what is this, France? No, Charlie, this isn't from Mars-- it's called American Justice, and it's more frightening than the words "Sarah Palin 2012." Remember kids: if you're going to do the crime, make sure you don't end up doing the time in Washington State.

Via 96.1.

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Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:40:00 GMT

The first U.S. president known to have been caught cheating on his wife was James Garfield. After finding out about the smutty letters he had written to an 18 year-old New York woman named Calhoun, his wife accused him of:

A. “abusing the executive privilege”
B. “sloppy penmanship, atrocious grammar and poor syntax”
C. “lawless passion”
D. “getting jiggy with that tenement trash”

And so it begins, Playboy's excellent time-waster on sex and the Presidents of the United States... find out the answer to this and several other quiz questions, after the jump...

TMI, Gennifer, TMI! Oh wait, this is William J. Clinton we're talking about here... do continue...

“I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose.”

A. George W. Bush about his dad
B. George H.W. Bush about his son
C. Lyndon Johnson about JFK
D. Franklin D. Roosevelt about Hitler

“Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?”

A. Martin Van Buren to a stranger in the next toilet stall
B. John F. Kennedy to Marilyn Monroe
C. Woodrow Wilson to Ellen Wilson
D. George Washington to Martha Washington

Check out the rest here... and let us know how you did... and by the way, if you didn't know the identity of the President rumored to have a four-year gay relationship (Abraham Lincoln), we don't even know what to say...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Think this'll stop those incessant rumors about Clay Aiken?

You know it was bound to happen sooner or later... we just wish people had gotten used to the idea of California's gay marriages before they have to get used to the idea of California gay divorces.

Speaking of California, damn place is s'crazy, man's gotta run a brothel to supplement his assistant principal gig. (That's a Johnny Cash reference, in case you were wondering.)

A judge tossed a hardcore Christian's lawsuit against his former company, saying the man had insufficient evidence to back up his claim to having been fired for refusing to join co-workers for a night out at a strip club.

Espresso Gone Wild will have to cover up or stop serving coffee in Washington state.

A woman in Tennessee won local office with the one and only vote in that race: her own.

You probably already heard, but just in case: Bernie Mac, 50, died over the weekend after a bout of pneumonia and Isaac Hayes was found dead at 65 near his still-running treadmill.

M.I.A. is taking some flack for her supposed support for a terrorist group.

And who the fuck makes a fuss about a pregnant woman being sexy? This is beyond stupid, even for a conservative-leaning country like England: customer complaints forced the female owner of a lingerie shop to remove a mannequin with a "baby bump."

She told BBC Look North: "It started with people looking in the window and making comments outside and they told me their points of view that they found it offensive.
"Other shop traders also told me that people were saying to them that it was offensive and that I should cover her up or move her.
"So I put a camisole on Emily and someone else made another comment, saying that they could still see the bump, so I put her in the corner of the shop away from the window."

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Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:52:00 GMT

A barista works a pump in one of the most chaste "uniforms."

We're not making this up: in Bonny Lake, WA, there's a coffeeshop called Hot Chick-a-Latte. Each of the "chick" baristas wears a bikini, lingerie, pasties, or only a scarf to cover up. And, as usual, there's a public outcry-- although it's for the wrong reason this time...

While mostly male customers line up in full approval of topless baristas at Hot Chick-a-Latte, several residents on Bonny Lake, with a population of 16,000, are complaining.

Bonny Lake police officers went undercover to check out the topless baristas themselves. [We'll bet they did-- ignoring bank robbery calls in their hurry to stop this outrage. - Ed.] The cops passed on their information to the city attorney, who found an ordinance to crack down on the coffee shop.

Exposing a woman’s breast below the areola is classified as adult entertainment in the community. The owner of Hot-Chick’a-Latte said she doesn’t have a problem with the ordinance -- that it will just shake-up the rotation of attire and probably eliminate scarf day.

We already have Hooters, do we really need another restaurant to takes us a step back to the reign of Caligula? Portland Indy Media debated this last year when covering a different Seattle topless coffeehouse: sexual exploitation? Harmless? You decide.

Of course, we don't expect this place to last much longer-- male patrons will become bored by the lack of nudity, some female patrons will stop going there entirely, and possible gender discrimination lawsuits will bog down the bottom line.

Or maybe, just maybe, this will catch on and... naw, nothing short of armed revolution will destroy Starbucks...

Via MyFox.

Generation Revolution: Nick Bozarth, 22 Year-Old Mayor

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Photo by John Lok for the Seattle Times

In the first installment of a new series on youthful American politicians, which will include interviews and other surprises, we present the story of Nick Bozarth, the 22-year-old mayor of a small town near Olympia, WA.

Bozarth, who took office in January in this conservative town of 1,400, is already causing loads of controversy. He alienated his working class base when he banned city workers from lunchtime visits to a local restaurant. He 86'd an embattled police chief and went toe-to-toe with the fire department.

But Bozarth has also done plenty of things right. Here's why he could go on to do big things:

1) He knocked on almost every door in the district for the unpaid job. Time and time again, we've seen young and energetic politicians win specifically because of this. Pundits, take note, this is how we do it.

2) Taking on the city workers... because he had received complaints. It showed that even though banning city workers from the restaurant (mainly because the workers had taken extended lunch breaks on the taxpayer's dime) didn't go over well, people have to respect the fact that he was only acting on complaints by honest taxpayers. That's gotta look good for the getting-the-job-done factor.

3) He has been called "gutsy" for taking on the local police chief, who spent time on the job exchanging racy text messages with a computer installation woman.

4) Napavine has no permanent fire department, only volunteers. So when the local station shut down for lack of recruits, Bozarth sprung into action, announcing the town would form its own fire department. But the fire district ignored him. Bozarth kept calling, e-mailing, and working his contacts and network until he got the proper paperwork through the back channels. This doesn't mean much in the scope of things... except that it shows he is going to go hard against bureaucracy, which is always a pleasure to see.

5) As Bozarth puts it on his website:

I would also like to recognize the accomplishment of the Napavine School District in ranking as a top high school in the nation according to a U.S. News and World Report. Our city is strong and growing...

We look forward to more from Bozarth.

Via The Seattle Times.

Another Intern Scandal: Will New York Never Learn From Bill Clinton's Mistakes?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

We're blogging from the wilderness in Connecticut today, where apparently no one has heard of wireless internet. (We got some funny looks from the neighbors who still think cell phone users are all terrorists trying to set off atomic bombs.) They've also obviously never heard of The Law of Bill Clinton out here-- or in New York: if you're a politician with a penis, and you use that penis, you will end up being made fun of on the internet.

New York and Connecticut, neighbors and fellow travelers in lechery, are racking up the perv exposures:

1) While investigating municipal corruption, the FBI discovered phone records and pictures of [Waterbury, CT Mayor Vincent] Giordano with a prostitute named Guitana Jones, as well as with her 10-year-old niece and her 8-year-old daughter. He was arrested on July 26, 2001 and, in March 2003, was convicted of 14 counts of using an interstate device, his cell phone, to arrange sexual contact with children. He was also convicted of violating the girls' civil rights. He was sentenced to 37 years in prison. In July 2007 his motion to reduce this sentence was denied by a federal judge. [Wikipedia]

2) Up until just a few years ago, New York legislators would go "window shopping" for interns at the start of every legislative session. The eager young people would be corralled at a newsstand so legislators could pick their help based on looks, not resumes. A former district attorney in Albany says that unfortunately, many of the people who seek public office "are flawed people to begin with." (Canadian Press)

No wonder we didn't get that political job we've been groveling for: we, ridiculous as it may sound, thought our record of experience would inevitably carry us all the way to the Big House. (Yeah, even we've begun to sound like the broken Hillary Clinton record.)

3) Match the state to its legislator's foul misdeed! a) Colorado b) Washington c) Arkansas; 1) Fondled 17-year-old girl at his home 2) Allegedly made fresh remarks and showed off his wang to a female lobbyist in a bar 3) Allegedly picked up a man at an adult book store (while he was married, to a woman), and the man tried to blackmail him. [Wonkette]

More about the lecherous statehouses of America at Wonkette.

Image via Bob From Accounting.