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Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

If you missed them this week in Virginia and North Carolina, don't fret-- we have the lowdown on the Sex Workers' Art Show's Limited 2009 Dirty South Tour...

According to the official website, tour participants included World Famous *BOB* (top) and porn star Lorelei Lee (above.) The tour's focus was on "spoken word, music, drag, burlesque, and multimedia performance art. Intelligent and hot, disturbing and hilarious, the performances offer a wide range of perspectives on sex work, from celebration of prostitutes' rights and sex-positivity to views from the darker sides of the industry."

The promoters wanted "to dispel the myth that they are anything short of artists, innovators, and geniuses!" We don't know about that last part, especially with the exclamation point, but this attitude sure garnered a lot of attention.

In Williamsburg, Virginia, this week, conservative knuckleheads meddled as usual, trying to tell college students what they should and should not see. The only thing these people know about the First Amendment is that it comes before the one with the guns.

Last year, their devotion to this divisive annual event helped get their popular president Gene Nichol ousted by fire-breathing conservatives on the Board of Visitors and the state legislature.

Nichol opposed the show on principle, yet backed his students' decision and refused to ban it from campus.
His successor, W. Taylor Reveley, has done exactly the same, yet remains unsinged.

I'm not saying it's the students' fault Nichol was forced out. The fault lies with the hypocrites who used the sex show as one more briquette to burn him at the stake. [Daily Press]

Great job, right-wingers. You ousted an honest man and had him replaced with... a guy who also slightly disagrees with your Puritanical views. It's too bad there's no such thing as hell, because... well, maybe we're getting carried away. The show seems to have been a success in spite of all this political nonsense, and we look forward to seeing it further up the east coast...

Via the Sex Workers' Art Show website.

Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys

Our Favorite Stripper Wants You To Be Patriotic, Drink PBR

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Our resident stripper, Jocelyn Testes-Harder has been MIA for several months. She hasn't been at Charlie's, the downtown Richmond, Virginia club where the sometime office manager moonlights under the name, well, Jocelyn. We haven't seen her around the county dump either, although they just got in some new kids toys leftover from a fire sale.

Her neighbors haven't seen her around-- and we even checked with that guy with the night vision camera and binoculars. So, we'll have to make do with her last transmission to us, which was about her lazy, no-good, long-suffering fiancee and the joys of American patriotism mixed with cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...

Q. Jocelyn, Joceyln... can you hear me?

A. Yeah... I don't know what it is about the sight of a man doing nothing that just makes my blood boil!

Q. I hear ya.

A. I know Phil works hard, and I respect that. But that don't mean he's gotta sit on ass and watch football every Sunday when I've got other things in mind that he could be doing. Of course I realize that Phil needs to relax sometimes. That's what sleep is for!

Q. Don't you think you're being harsh? I mean, you guys aren't even married yet and already you're bustin' balls?

A. I guess he doesn't get the fact that our life together started the minute he proposed. He seems to think that just because we're not living together yet he can still spend hours at his own house, doing his own thing. He already knows that as soon as he buys our new house I'm going to rent out my townhouse, but he hasn't even bothered to post it on Craigslist for me! I can't wait until we're living in a nice planned development, and I've got Phil under my thumb where he belongs. All doubt will be removed because I'll be able to plan his day for him, and adjust the schedule thoughout the day. He won't have to worry about pissing me off any more, because I'll make sure that he's always doing the right thing. Then we'll both be happy!

Q. Okay, we can see how your life is going to change as a married woman again. But how will your life change under our new President?

A. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America. It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer. If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!)

Q. Okay, no need to shout. I can hear you just fine. Do you have any advice for drastic steps Obama can take to make a change in your life?

A. Take bold steps... like turn our backs on creamed corn... rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

Q. Have you been following the Prop 8 debacle in C--

A. It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress.

Q. Is Bill O'Reilly and Fox News the greatest threat to our general sanity?

A. We need to capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin. Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good....

[transmission cut]

Related:

PETA Gives Up, Decides to Just Have All-Stripper Campaigns

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Tips From A Stripper

Introducing Ligerbeat: D1cks for Chicks

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 15:30:00 GMT

So, some of my friends and some friends I have yet to meet have started up a publishing venture called Ligerbeat, a magazine billed as "dicks for chicks."

And I use the term "ladies" in the loosest sense, and the word "loose" in the sense that these women are both loose and tight. That sentence probably made about as much sense as some of the responses in the recent Ligerbeat interview on the Vice blog, but if you roll with it, they'll crack you up in no time.

Take their responses to "What makes a dick top notch?":

Crackie Treehorn: I like motivated dicks that don't bullshit, know exactly what they want and take it. They’re on some bossy shit. Also, dicks that can make me laugh until I'm fucking crying are great. Your shit could be crooked like a roach leg but if you can make me crack up, the panties will get wet, trust. And it has to be fat or I'm not with it.

Yung Ho: Good dick should be like a good salad. It should fill you up and leave you feeling light and refreshed, ready to tackle your day.

Then my girl Calisha Jenkins tells about the time her friend encountered a dick that was just too small and pretended to fall asleep on it. "What this tells you is: if you get a girl in bed and she immediately falls asleep, your dick is fucking little, son."

Stay assy, ladies.

Full interview with a preview of layouts here, and check out the Liger Beat blog. Issue one coming soon.

Related:

Warner Bros. Took Away Kevin Smith's Dicks

Officer Dicks Says, "Pull Up Your Pants or I'll Pull Them Up for You!"

Frenchmen Either Have the Biggest Dicks... or Are the Biggest Liars

While You Were Sleeping: The 10 Biggest Music Moneymakers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Twitter doomed the Republican takeover of Virginia. That's not an exaggeration.

Tom Cruise + Denzel Washington divided by David Cronenberg = The Matarese Circle.

We're not sure who Olivia Munn is, but we'll remember that name now...

A couple of pranksters hacked a Taco Bell drive through speaker and, of course, used it to shout a bunch of random obscenities.

This doesn't sound hot: Anne Hathaway in drag.

There are some surprise entrants in this year's list of the top 10 moneymakers in the music business. Madonna is #1, says Billboard (via Yahoo),

followed... by Bon Jovi with $157.2 million, Bruce Springsteen ($156.3 million), the Police ($110 million), Celine Dion ($99.2 million), Kenny Chesney ($90.8 million), Neil Diamond ($82.2 million), Rascall Flatts ($63.5 million), Jonas Brothers ($62.6 million) and Coldplay ($62.2 million).

The fact that Bon Jovi made more money than Bruce Springsteen says a lot about how bad this country's musical taste runs.

In other Madonna news, that ancient nude photo of her sold for 37 g's.

No Foreplay For You

More of Those Gloriously Painful Celebrity High School Yearbook Photos

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Dita's New Nude Revue

While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:35:00 GMT

It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world...

Jocelyn: This season's supposed to be about fun... and not about spending money.

Scanner Brian: Absolutely. As far as we're concerned, Christmas is all about the holiday spirit-- in our case, gin. Oh, and Santacon. Speaking of not spending any money, did you do the Black Friday sales? Was that you at the Long Island Wal-Mart...?

J: You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

SB: All right, maybe we should edit that out. We don't want to have to testify. So... we don't think we're going to make it home for Christmas this year and we're worried about shipping...

J: I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

SB: All right, let's go off the theft tangent for a second. With the economy in the toilet, are you cutting back? Getting some handouts this year?

J: I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings.

SB: Thanks, Jocelyn. All right, everybody, make sure to check out Jocelyn's website, it's seriously the only thing worth reading besides Nerve. Or the Rod Blago transcripts...

Via Filthy Richmond.

Related:

Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Tips From A Stripper: Dating

Tips From A Stripper: On Saving The Environment

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Our favorite "stripper" of ill-repute, Ms. Jocelyn Testes-Harder (hey, that's kind of a funny name), has returned to rescue us from this crushingly slow news day, with tips on saving the environment:

"I've been lowering the totals on our costly water bill by making the kids bathe together, and forcing them to poop in the back yard..."

But Jocelyn, your water bill can't be that much, can it? I mean, there's got to be a better way to save money than cutting down on toilet usage. What about things you spend a lot of money on?

"[Well,] I've also found that a condom can be reused if you simply turn it inside out and wipe it off with a dry paper towel."

Oh, boy, Jocelyn... Scanner Emily is going to be furious when she hears about this. Well, at least you actually use condoms, unlike many women your age. Speaking of women your own age, how can we cut down on the CFCs emitted from feminine hygeine products?

"When you use things like hair products and spray paint you should try to avoid spraying them directly. Instead you should spray the product into a rag, huff on the rag until the fumes dissipate, and then apply to the intended surface.

Reducing what ends up in landfills is also a major goal of the environmentally conscious. So burn whatever you can rather than throwing it away, especially larger items like mattresses and refrigerators. And never throw out something that you can reuse."

Except for that last line, we're pretty sure your advice is complete madness. Nonetheless, we look forward to your expert opinion again soon. Until then, make sure to check out Jocelyn's blog here. It's shittacular.

Related:

Introducing the Australian Sex Party...

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Tips From A Stripper

Video of the Day: The Tailgating Stripper Pole

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 20:11:00 GMT

"Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine."

We love hearing from strippers out there, so if you have advice for those of who enjoying hitting the clubs, let us know! We're kidding-- we can't afford to go to strip clubs, even ones with the free admission and $10 Milwaukee's Best...

Nonetheless, check out this great bit of advice from a stripper...

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

Ass clapping! That's our phrase of the day, people.

During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit...

Wait a minute... is she for real?

Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off!

All right, we're pretty sure she's kidding now, but this is entertaining material...

Via Jocelyn's Corner.

Related:

"Performer" Ecstasy Can Rap and Wear Lycra at the Same Time

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Sloppy Seconds: The Evangelical Sex Craze

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

Reversing That Circumcision Even Scarier Than You Thought

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:03:00 GMT

Details just published a harrowing and, admittedly, compulsively readable piece on guys who attempt to regain the penises they were given at birth.

We're talking about their uncircumcised penises, of course. Methods for rolling back the clock to the moment before the blade include surgery and foreskin-stretching products... and the results are surprisingly without side effects...

As a fitness trainer and former professional boxer, Jonathan understood that with patience and hard work the body can be transformed. So he went online and purchased a device called the TLC Tugger. Jonathan is now eight months into a two-to-four-year foreskin-stretching process using the device. He wears it around the clock—except when making love with his wife or going through airport security. He attaches it by placing one cone, which has a metal loop on the end, over the head of his penis; rolling his excess shaft skin over the cone; securing a second cone, with an opening at the top, snugly over that skin; attaching an elastic band to the loop; and finally strapping the band around his knee. The contraption, which pulls gently and steadily downward, has lengthened Jonathan's new "foreskin" so that it now extends halfway over the head of his penis. Millimeter by millimeter, he's re-creating what he was given at birth—and what was taken from him. He already feels like a new man. "I always thought my penis was totally sensitive and fine," he says. "It's one of those things—you can't know it until you know it. And I didn't know what I was missing."

If we hadn't read testimonials like this in national magazines, we'd assume, as we do for all dick-altering products, that TLC Tugger and other foreskin-restoring products are total scams. But what if Jonathan is just feeling the effects of the device itself and that his skin actually hasn't been changed at all? And what about the guy who goes for the surgery? What happens to that crazy bastard?

Ben (his name has been changed), an electrician from Lynchburg, Virginia, from going under Reed's knife five years ago, at the age of 38. Ben had wanted to restore his foreskin ever since he was a teenager, when he became aware that his penis had not always been circumcised. Angry and disillusioned, he eagerly plunked down $7,600 to get his foreskin back. "It is impossible to re-create what was destroyed, but I'm happy with the surgery," he says.

For almost eight grand? You better be more than happy-- you better be a fucking porn star now to have earned that back. Would anyone out there plunk down that kind of cash for a slightly better sex life?

(Here's the whole Details story, by the way.)

Related:

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

Don't Try This at Home: Penis Cream to Prevent the Transmission of HIV

The Most Physically Painful Movie Title Ever

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:49:00 GMT

Boy, this John McCain guy is pretty repetitive, huh? If McCain's not saying "my friends" every other sentence, now he's referencing a guy named "Joe the Plumber" so many times that everyone ends up just laughing over the rest of his answers.

Meanwhile, thank God Bob Schieffer at least had some decent questions (bringing up Roe v. Wade and thankfully not just asking the candidates to state their opinions about the decision.) All that matters is what the public thought-- and they thought Obama won by another 20+-point margin. Bye bye, Johnny, bye bye...

1) Here's the Joe the Plumber video you've been dying to see. This is the actual guy, who by now has gotten two hundred million phone calls thanks to all the publicity and probably wouldn't vote for McCain in 10,000 years (whether we're still in Iraq then or not.)

2) This was sent by a friend-- Secret Service much?

We don't really have much more to say about this debate. At this point, nothing really matters except this: are the Republican attempts to disenfranchise as many newly registered voters as possible going to offset Obama's lead in the polls. Vote switching and the lack of voting machines in Democratic districts worked in 2004 Ohio, but will it work in 2008 Virgina, with Obama pulling ahead? It's looking very, very bad for John McCain...

We'll leave you with this, from Overheard in New York:

He Refers to Sarah Palin As "Mama Mia" in Private Moments

Little boy: Mommy, John McCain likes Abba.
Mom: Does he really now? Then you two have something in common.
Little boy: Noooooo!

--College Walk, Columbia University

So How's Your Family? And When'd You Get the Dick?

Man: What the fuck are you doing in here?
Woman: I'm sorry, I just had to pee.
Man: Holy shit! I can't fucking believe it. The first time I see my ex-wife in forty years is in a men's bathroom.

--Picnic House Men's Room, Prospect Park

The second one has nothing to do with this post, but we couldn't resist including it because it's absolutely brilliant. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Related:

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

I Wasn't Going to Live Blog the Debate...

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We figure, what with all the topless women running around the site this week, we're going to offset it with some ridiculous Speedo action... and the following stories...

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole has figured out how to trap men. Luckily, this post didn't say anything about marriage...

A nationwide rally reminds us women are allowed to go bare-breasted in public in this country. As one reader put it, who besides Fred Phelps is dumb enough to disallow this behavior?

More naked Olympian dudes, please. And any excuse to show Daniel Radcliffe in the buff is fine by us.

We have no problem saying a repeat pervert harassing women at work deserves some pain-- unless he wants it, of course.

Michael Phelps, you may be awesome and you may be entitled to any mermaid you want, but stay away from the redhead who's in "The Little Mermaid" Broadway show, okay? We called dibs months ago.

And we celebrated the opening of the Erotic Heritage Museum, where this blog will hopefully end up someday...

LOWS:

This guy wants women to go topless... in his office. By the way: he's a married father of two and the women who wants to go topless are the teenage interns at his job as a New York State Assemblyman.

Googlers in Kentucky and Virginia are very interested in sex, but not the pretty kind, we don't think...

Floridians, meanwhile, are too concerned that a bigoted asshole gets away with his crimes to be Googling "lesbian sex."

We kinda wish these mean ol' debate coaches had overseen the lives of those "Spellbound" kids-- now that would be a movie!

This could also be a high point in our week-- the story of a couple that got tasered and jailed and their wedding night, then repeated the joyous experience the following evening.

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Scanner reader and Debonair Magazine writer John De Feo alerted us to this very interesting survey of global sex trends.

Did you know more people are Googling for lesbian sex in Louisville than in any other US city? Well, at least on the internet.

Among the article's most interesting findings:

Lesbian Sex

Average Daily Search Volume – 56,024
Most Popular In - Prague, Czech Republic
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

TEEN SEX:

Average Daily Search Volume – 54,139
Most Popular In - Delhi, India
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

Again, Czech Republic leads in several worldwide findings, including Anal Sex, Hardcore Sex, and Gay Sex, while Louisville also leads statewide in Gay Sex. (Virgina, meanwhile, has the most people looking for Anal and Animal Sex, although not necessarily in the same search bar)

Several cities in India are on the board, all of them for web-based bestiality hunts: Horse Sex and Dog Sex. Yum.

Check out the rest of his preliminary findings here.

Google Thinks You're All Perverts

McCain To Find His VP On Google

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Rumor: Obama About To Announce VP Choice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:12:00 GMT

We are hearing stories that the state of Virginia held an emergency meeting because the whole state is about to be thrown into chaos following Obama's VP announcement...

A source inside the beltway informed me that high ranking officials throughout Virginia were recently summoned to the governor’s office for an emergency meeting which reportedly involved discussions on the line of succession if and when Kaine steps down to become Obama’s running mate.

The officials were mandated to leave an out-of-state conference and return to the state capitol in Richmond immediately.

Due to the confidential nature of the meeting, details are scarce but the source said that either Obama will choose Kaine, or Kaine was given the impression that he would be chosen.

Kaine, of course, says he couldn't believe he'd even be considered, "for a variety of reasons." Could the variety include the fact that Kaine dropped the ball when he gave the Democratic response to the 2006 State of the Union, which is the #1 Classic Example of Democrats being pitched an easy home run and bunting it down the third base line. The man is a Democrat in name only, brings nothing to the table except maybe a few thousands votes in Virginia (at best), and is next in line. He also long supported the Iraq War-- longer even than Hillary Clinton, who would somehow be a better choice.

Anyway, you can read more about the Kaine nod here or about his past here.

Related:

Freaky FAA Tapes Reveal Obama's Plane Nearly Crashed On July 7th

Survey Says: Obama Wins By Millions Of Votes, Loses Anyway

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

Crush of the Week: Biker Who Protested Wal-Mart... By Taking Off Her Clothes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:45:00 GMT

The Consumerist alerted us to the sort of story we eat up: basically, anyone messing with Wal-Mart...

Here's what ReachHigher said on the BikeForums site about her brush with the poorly-paid brainwashed yokels the run her Virginia-area Wal-Mart. First, she rode her bike four miles to buy CD-r's, depsite her disdain for Wal-Mart's union busting, sweatshop labor, and intra-company racism and sexism (okay, we're all about helping your local community, but maybe borrowing some blanks from somebody else or ordering from Amazon would've been a valid move in this case.)

ReachHigher arrived to find no bike rack outside. She decided that since her beat-up bike cost $600 to replace, she couldn't risk losing it and so walked it into the store. (Apparently, this is a common thing in some places, although it would get you tackled and hospitalized in any city we've ever lived in.) An elderly employee (is there any other kind at Voldemart?) grabbed her by the arm and told her to ditch the bike. A manager backed the employee up, first saying that bicycles were sold in the store and therefore this one-- even though it wasn't sold in the store, looked old, and was clearly the customer's-- couldn't be allowed inside. The manager tried a variety of tactics before inspiration struck ReachHigher...

I asked her if they also sold shirts in the store. She said yes so I took off my jersey and said well then I'd better not bring this in either. She got kind of flustered and said that it was a different situation but couldn't explain why. So I said that if they also sold shorts in the store that I'd better not wear those in either and I took off my shorts. Same goes for the shoes and sunglasses. Now I'm standing there in my spandex and a sports bra and I ask here if I can leave my things behind the customer service counter where they will be safe until I finish making my purchases and she said that I couldn't come into the store without shoes on, to which i responded "but I certainly can't wear shoes into the store because you sell those here and someone might think I've stolen them." She threatened to call security if I didn't leave so I told her that I would never be coming back to that store again and that I was glad I hadn't driven there since the gas to go four miles was probably more expensive than what her underpaid employees make in an hour.

Her expression when the shirt came off was absolutely priceless...I was pretty tempted to take off the spandex too but I wasn't sure what constitutes indecent exposure in Virginia...

Here's the Getty Image the Consumerist chose for our girl. We'd like to think it was a match, although it doesn't really matter-- regardless of her looks, this girl is still our silly, strange, proud, fierce, and crazy Crush of the Week.

Via the Bike Forums and the Consumerist.

Top photo via Flickr.

Related:

Nude Bicyclists Protest... Global Warming?

Video of the Day: Al Sharpton Tries To Ride A Bike

I Want to Ride on the Handlebars of Your Bitchcruiser

Infamous Naked Lady To Parade Topless On July 4th

Today in WTF: K-Mart Abstinence Pants

This Week in Gayness: Virginia Accidentally Marries Gay Men

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 16:10:00 GMT

Many members of the transgender community are upset about the whole "pregnant man" thing. They seem to be almost equally upset with Thomas Beatie, who is due for a C section today, and the media for its giggling and dumbassed portrayal of him.

Hugh Hefner likes boys. Or at least guys. On occasion.

Straight marriage champions Larry Craig and David Vitter have decided that they, among men, are the ones to save the world's most successful institution.

Remember how we told you about the hilarious anti-gay vote in Arizona and how it fell one vote shy? Yeah, you knew Republicans were going to ram it home eventually. After one of the longest sessions in the state's record books, the Senate shoved an anti-gay marriage question onto the election ballot.

Backers of California's own attempt to block gay marriages, known as Proposition 8, have raised $2.3 million, which is a full one million more than the amendment's opponents.

A couple in Virginia, who somehow got married even though they are both men, will luckily not face criminal charges for thinking all men are created equal. The best part of all: one of the men has the last name of McCain.

Antonio E. Blount, 31, and Justin L. McCain, 18, faced misdemeanor false information charges, punishable by a fine up to $250.

Authorities said the couple applied for a license in Newport News Circuit Court in March and passed off McCain as "Justine." Officials realized later that McCain was actually born a man in North Carolina.

Hooray for McCain's Gay Marriage!

Previously:

This Week in Gayness: Gay Men Overdoing It?

Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:18:00 GMT

Inspired by several recent lists, including Robert Creamers "Ten Key Steps to Put Obama Over the Top in November" from Wednesday's Huffington Post, we decided to put together a list of what we hope Obama does next to beat McCain. Of course, there will be a McCain list in the coming days for the three of his supporters still reading this blog...

5. Get the Vice Presidential choice out of the way so, even if he doesn't announce it for months, it does not bog down his campaign's time. For the record, Senators Dodd, Edwards, and Webb are fine choices, while Senator Clinton and Governor Richardson would bog the ticket down with their respective baggage, Clinton with her high negatives plus Bush-Clinton fatigue and Richardson's poor campaign skills plus New Mexico's likely Democratic swing this year should rule them both out. This is nothing against them personally-- it's all about weighing advantages versus disadvantages of the way that Obama-? bumpersticker reads.

4. Gather uncommitted female superdelegates and Governors like Kathleen Sebelius (Kan.) and Janet Napolitano (Ariz.) to follow Hillary Clinton's endorsement and shore up the female vote that is still out there and less than thrilled about another male President.

3. This is an obvious one, but key: use elder party surrogates to make the case. Perfect examples would be Joe Biden and especially Jim Webb, with his experience, Republican background, and excellent TV "presence." This will balance Republican/McCain attacks on Obama's experience and lack of authority on foreign policy.

2. As Roger Stone says: "Admit nothing, deny everything, launch counterattack" and "Attack, attack, attack-- deny everything" (the last one is not an exact quote, but the point is the same.) The Republicans have won with these words time and again since 1972 and the Democrats cannot afford to ignore these rules this year. For one thing, we'd be talking about the reelection of John Kerry if he'd paid attention to them the last time around.

1. Fuck the swing states-- go after everything remotely in play. If he did so well in Montana, Virginia, and even Alabama, he should run hard there. This is a new Presidential election-- it would suck to wake up the day after and find out he could have won if only he'd spent any money in, say, Alabama-- where he had 56% in the primary and McCain lost to Huckabee-- he would've taken the electoral college.

Previously: Top 10 Moments in the Career of Hillary Clinton.

This Week in Gayness: Vito Fossella Sister Shocker

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:27:00 GMT

This week it's an endless parade of discrimination and bigotry... although there is a plethora of positive news, such as:

Voters in the state of Virginia elected for the first time ever a gay black person to statewide office. Can civilization be too far off in Virginia's future?

Illinois bigots will have to try another GOTV tactic for McCain after their anti-gay marriage ballot initiative failed.

Walt Bayes, the same Republican candidate for the Idaho State House who went on a two-month hunger strike to "end abortion" has come out in favor of segregation. Yep, the big assface wants gay students isolated from the rest of the populace. This one really needs to be read in full to be believed.

Our hero, of the day, Florida highschooler Heather Gillman, on her lawsuit victory over her principal: "Standing up to my school was really hard to do, but I’m so happy that I did because the First Amendment is a big deal to everyone." According to the ACLU, her principal

testified that he believed clothing or stickers featuring rainbows would make students automatically picture gay people having sex.

Mildred Loving, The Mother of Interracial Marriage, Dead at 68

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:41:00 GMT

We can't imagine living in a world where we couldn't marry the person we love based on race (even though we live in a world where people can't marry they people they love based on gender). But it was only 43 years ago that Mildred Loving, a black woman, and her white husband were forced out of their home state of Virginia after being charged with "cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth."

Not content to sit by quietly, the Lovings filed what would become a landmark US Supreme Court case, and won. On June 12, 1967, the court ruled that any ban on interracial marriage was unconstitutional.

Eight years later, Loving's husband died in a car accident and last week Mildred Loving died of pneumonia.

Her daughter, Peggy Fortune, told the Associated Press: "I want (people) to remember her as being strong and brave yet humble—and believed in love."

[Yahoo!: Mildred Loving, matriarch of interracial marriage, dies]

More Sex in Politics, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:56:00 GMT

We'd forgotten what wicked entertainment a good political sex scandal is (remember the 90's: Gingrich, Packwood, Bob Dole and his Viagra boners, and... there was one more... what are we missing?) In light of that one last week with that prostitute-turned-two-hit-wonder, we're feeling the cold sweats, the itchy neck, the delerium tremens of a renewed addiction to political porkings. The details are vague, but that's okay, because there are more in the works already to whet your proverbial palettes.

Former NJ Governor and self-outing homosexual James McGreevey and his wife are about to go through the most painful divorce in the TMI age. An ex-aide to the then-Gov. has spoken publicly about his threesomes with the Gov. and his wife, although he says there appeared to be few signs that he was there were for, um, the gentleman's amusement. The couple allegedly called these trysts, one of which began at a local TGI Friday's (that place just got a bump in credibility), "Friday Night Specials."

This has gotta hurt Dina's case a bit-- after all, her grounds for divorce are based on the idea that she couldna wouldna shouldna known.

In other news:

Perhaps to prevent drunken groping on St. Patrick's Day, Virgina is banning nipples.

And no, we're not done with Ashley Alexandra Dupree yet. The girl is the page count gift that keeps on giving for newyorkpost.com: Ashley was previously engaged to an upstanding limo company owner, now exiled to Florida, who can't believe she's gone so far off the deep end as to bang Eliot Spitzer following their breakup. (Man, that's gotta make him feel attractive. We found his phone number, if you want to call him and wish him better luck with his next fiancee.)

Will Hillary Have to Drop Out?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:15:00 GMT

After getting trounced last night in the so-called Potomac primaries (Sweet Virgina, District of Columbus, and the State Where They Filmed the Wire), the buzz this morning on the political wires is that not only does Hillary Clinton appear to be fading fast, but she might not even make it to the convention floor for a showdown.

First, the Associated Press reports that superdelegates are already starting to reconsider standing strong for Clinton. "Their loyalty to the first couple is on shaky ground."

Next, the guy who ran Bill(ary)'s '92 upset win endorsed Obama today. And Hillary's deputy campaign manager quit, as well. AND the Governor of Puerto Rico endorsed Obama. This is crucial because PR goes last in the nomination process and Hillary is 10 points ahead there.

And... and... and. Well, we won't lay it on too thick. The point is: at what point does Hillary admit to herself that she cannot win and that staying in longer in the hopes of yet another comeback is only going to bring down the party?

[Photo: Free Republic]

Abercrombie & Fitch Ads: TSFM (Totally Safe for Malls)

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:36:00 GMT

Charges against clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch were dropped by Virginia Beach police. Why did Virginia Beach police have charges against the store, you ask? Police were convinced that the ads, at their local Abercrombie, were inappropriate for young children.

Was the police response to the store an overreaction? Yes, according to legal experts. Though local laws can vary, courts require that the image show sexual activity or a "lewd display" of genitals, says Lawrence Walters, an Orlando, Fla., lawyer and First Amendment specialist.

"There is not a chance any jury in America would find the photo obscene under these standards," he said.

Virginia police had referred to City Code Section 22.31, which says it is a crime to display "obscene materials in a business that is open to juveniles," said police spokesman Adam Bernstein.

Had the charges not been dropped, the store's manager could have faced fines and jail time. Lucky for the manager, this just seemed to be a case of over zealous officers.

Walters said police may have misread the standards for obscenity, as is often the case. He also said they improperly seized the posters without a search warrant, which constitutes prior restraint, which is barred by the Constitution.

"In a free country, we don't limit what people can view, watch or read by what is acceptable to minors," said Walters. Protecting children is a "job that belongs to parents."

Kind of reminds us of the pharmacists who refuse to fill birth control prescriptions.

WSYR.com: [Charges against Abercrombie Store Dropped]