Scanner : violence

Racist Small Town Hoodlums Getting Away with Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:10:00 GMT

Brandon Piekarsky entering court before his acquittal on third-degree murder charges. Piekarsky's level of involvement in the killing is unclear, as he wasn't believed to have helped in the beating.

On July 12th, in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, a group of white teenagers were walking home when they came across a young Hispanic man in the park with a teenage girl. One of them yelled out, "Isn't it a little late for you to be out? Get your Mexican boyfriend out of here."

The Mexican man, whose name was Luis Ramirez, became enraged and screamed back at them and began calling for backup. Eighteen-year-old Brian Scully then traded punches with Ramirez, with no one ever agreeing on how the fight actually got started. Derrick Donchak, then 19, jumped on top of the badly-beaten Ramirez and, with a piece of metal between his knuckles, began pummeling Ramirez's face. Miraculously, Ramirez was able to recover and the boys ran off, hurling more racial slurs back as they ran. This enraged Ramirez, who chased after them until a quick blow to the head from Colin Walsh, a 17-year-old component of the all-white group, wiped him out. While Ramirez was down, Scully (it is said by witnesses) kicked Ramirez in the head, causing him to foam at the mouth and convulse. He died as a result of that brutal blow.

At the boys' trial, no one seemed to dispute these facts (except which boy did what.) Nonetheless, the jury acquitted the accused of third degree murder and various other charges while convicting them of simple assault. The defendants and their families emerged from the courtroom triumphant, while legal observers say this was on obvious miscarriage of justice:

"There's been a complete failure of justice," said Gladys Limon, staff attorney for the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, who attended the trial and informed Ramirez's family of the verdict. "It's just outrageous and very difficult to understand how any juror could have had reasonable doubt."

She said the evidence "clearly established that Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten."

Prosecutors cast Ramirez as the victim of a gang of drunken white teens motivated by a dislike of their small coal town's burgeoning Hispanic population. But the jury evidently sided with defense attorneys, who called Ramirez the aggressor and characterized the brawl as a street fight that ended tragically. [New York Daily News]
As Avery Friedman argues persuasively in the video from CNN yesterday, this was a pretty clear-cut case of jury nullification: the weight of evidence against the accused was so powerful that it's clear the all-white jury -- like similar juries in the South during the Civil Rights struggle -- was not going to convict two young white men of murdering a Mexican. Even if, as Friedman says, "the only reason he is dead is because he was Mexican." [Crooks and Liars]

Now, some activists are putting pressure on the state's Democratic Governor, Ed Rendell, to speak out about the hate crime. They believe the worst is still to come from a town that is almost 100% Caucasian and only 1% Hispanic...

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Sex is the Answer, Say Women in Kenya

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The answer to the question, that is, about what women should do to stop their men from fighting and killing each other. Didn't the Greeks try that once?

Seriously, we have a term in America for guys involved with women who are withholding sex. They're called "married men."

All kidding aside, this is a serious national news story in Kenya and has been picked up all over the world:

Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country's bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year.

Leaders from Kenya's largest and oldest group dedicated to women's rights, the Women's Development Organization, said they hope the boycott will persuade men to pressure the government to make peace.

Eleven women's groups are participating in the strike. The groups have also called on the wives of President Mwai Kibaki and Prime Minister Raila Odinga to abstain. It was not clear how either wife responded to the request.

We're guessing they responded by muttering to their aides: "I've been practicing celibacy with these douchebags for years." It could explain why everyone's so angry about everything-- let's slip all these leaders some ecstasy and put on Caligula, see how that plays out.

Sex strikes are rare worldwide. Many men in Kenya are polygamous, as is allowed by law.

Kenyan government spokesman Alfred Mutua said he was unaware of the strike.

The disputed election between Kibaki and then-challenger Odinga led to violence that killed more than 1,000 people and left more than 600,000 homeless. The two were installed after a month of mediation, but infighting has threatened to break apart the fragile coalition.

Can an all-Kenyan production of Lysistrata be too far behind? (Seriously now, we do hope their strike is successful and catches on worldwide, just not in our households.)

Via SFGate.

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:07:00 GMT

We've never really understood why Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow/SlapChop guy needs that little headset—until now. He wears it so he can rap while he slaps (prostitutes) and wows.

If only all infomercials were this hilarious and culturally relevant... we'd probably have a lot more shit we don't need.

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PapSmeared: Linda Hogan is Stayin' Alive

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Linda Hogan steps out for the first time since her ex-husband Hulk Hogan confessed he had fantasies of killing her.

[Image]

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:12:00 GMT

The worst experience we ever had on a plane wasn't really anyone's fault: we were flying from New York to Minneapolis during the Presidential campaign in 2004. For some reason, we had agreed to see in the last row of the plane, next to the toilets. We'd rather pay $400 more per flight than experience that nastiness again.

Anyway, that wasn't the reason it was so awful. We get motion sickness from turbulence and the weather that night was beyond awful-- there's nothing crazier than looking down at lightning-- with huge gusts of wind sending the whole plane into a panic. A flight attendant on her day off was sitting next to us, buying us Scotches and being a terrible flirt. That would have helped a lot, except after a violent, sudden drop, she said quietly, "Oh, no... this is not good."

Somehow, we survived, as did all of these poor souls who faced violence, turbulence, scary noises, and other sounds that were entirely the work of people on the plane. Can you top these crazy tales from Flights From Hell?

Of course, this is an international flight so after making her announcements in English, she proceeds to repeat them in German. The guy starts huffing and complaining that he's sick of hearing that damn German gibberish already! Uh-oh, I'm thinking. But the fun had only just begun. He proceeds to order two double scotches as soon as humanly possible and downs them in nothing flat. Then the woman in front of him tries to recline her seat. He plants his feet and presses with his fists against her seat with all of his might (of course he had HIS seat reclined as far back as possible). She looks back to see if something is wrong and he pretends that nothing happened! Shortly, he fails to remain vigilant and she manages to recline her seat a little...so he starts punching the seat! As hard as he could, he punched the seat in front of him. The poor woman was going to get whiplash.
When I showed her the [barf] bag, I was astonished by her reaction. I figured, “Hey, they deal with sort of thing all the time.” But no, she turned her nose at me and told me to put it under the seat! I was shocked. Not only did the people next to me have to deal with the sound of my retching, but now they (and I) had to deal with the faint but lingering smell of puke from the bag and the fact that it would be under the seat for the rest of the four and a half hour flight.
He situates himself, waits until we take off, and proceeds to take off his shoes....first the right, then the left....followed by, of course, his socks - first the right then the left.....he then begins to PICK at the dead, scaly skin on his feet. I'm not kidding - he used his finger nails to scrape, scrape and pull the dead skin from his heels, his toes, the arch of his foot. After a few minutes, I thought - surely someone would say something to stop him. Definitely the poor person sitting next to him would eventually get fed up at the disgustingness of the situation to ask him to stop. Nope...no one - not a flight attendant, NO ONE said a word.
Two rows behind her on the plane was a mother, father, and their young toddler-aged daughter. The daughter misbehaved terribly. She would sing out loud, kick the seat, toss crayons into the aisles, and pretty much just do whatever she wanted. Luckily, the flight wasn't long, because the mother and father never said anything to encourage the child to stop misbehaving. When the flight did land, a woman sitting in front of the parents and child turned and said, "You should know that your child is one of the most worst behaved children I have ever seen," and proceeded up the aisle to disembark. The next thing you know, the mother flies out of her seat and literally runs up the aisle after the woman. The child asks her father, "Where did mommy go?" He tells her, "Mommy's going to kick some ass."

Ah, there's something to be said for road trips, isn't there? More stories here.

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50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

Never one to cede the spotlight to other rappers for any reason, 50 Cent has released a sex tape, ostensibly to continue his beef with Rick Ross, who is also an allegedly-famous person.

The sex tape is too XXX, even for us, and so we were only able to make it through this part...

50 appears in the opening of the video as some sort of Madea ripoff known as Pimpin' Curly. Here is his eloquent introduction, according to someone who must have the hearing of a Whisper 2000:

“Yo, check this shit out, man. I’m-a show you my bitch, man. Here go your baby mama, Ricky. Double R? Does that stand for Rick Ross in the middle of her muthafuckin' chest, man? Oh, this is cold blooded man,” he adds. “I told niggas I was the beast from the east man. They thought I was bullshittin'. I ain’t bullshittin' no mo', man. 1 minute and 30 seconds, nigga. You see the tape. It only been on for 1 minute and 30 seconds.”

“I want you to watch this on your tour bus, Ricky. I want you to watch this on your motherfuckin' tour bus, Ricky.
"Now, how the fuck you gonna say you a boss and you run a..." All right, you know what? We don't need any of this nonsense.

Here's a taste of the tape... followed by the alleged tape itself. Again, we didn't even make it past the beginning, so who knows how bad it gets? You've been warned.

Well, was it worth 13-and-a-half minutes of your time?

Top 5 Monica Bellucci Sex Scenes

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Amazing Race Winner Stars In First Celebrity Webcam Scandal

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Remember that red-state porn craze we told you about? Apparently, Utah pays for it more than any other state.

Typical: 16 people were arrested following violence at a concert held to promote non-violence.

Hayden Panetierre may be headed toward a nervous breakdown. Yeesh.

We don't get it. Why would the police want Craigslist to boot almost all of its erotic service ads? Isn't this just going to make it harder for them to catch illegal sex activities? Not that we're complaining... legalize everything!

Amy Winehouse's visa was denied, which means she can't perform at Coachella. Is this visa-denial shit still happening for harmless kooks thirty years after Hoover hounded John Lennon?

This Albanian sex scandal would've been worth a post if it hadn't been, you know, Albanian.

Does Eliot Spitzer have to choke a hooker? Apparently, yes... at least, according to the woman in this story, which also features a teasing P.S. about another Governor, not from New York, who was a client of the same madam.

Good Lord, is this weird: NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association-- you know, the pervs) tried to put a hit on New York State Attorney General, possibly the next Governor, for a mere $10,000.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

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This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:46:00 GMT

One of the saddest celebrity relationship stories of all-time gets worse by the day. Yesterday, a tabloid published Rihanna's personal phone number, Chris Brown obtained a reprieve and... oh no... now there are strong rumors that the two may have gotten married in secret.

There must be something we can do to put a stop to the madness...

1) Defamer reported that Extra, in their published report on the Chris Brown search warrant, failed to properly and entirely redact the phone numbers included in the affidavit. Defamer called one of the numbers and got what appears to be Rihanna's voice on a voice mail. Great, just what this girl needs-- more people bothering her.

2) Yesterday, Brown appeared in court for his arraignment on two felonies but will not have to enter a (not) guilty plea until April 6th. TMZ speculates that the singer may try for a plea deal to make this case go away-- although, without Rihanna playing ball for them, the prosecution might have a tough time winning a jury trial against him. Later on, Chris went out partying with just his bodyguards, staying out until almost four o'clock in the morning. This guy just doesn't know what the hell he's doing, does he?

3) The blog Geno's World is as pissed about all this as we are. They, like many Rihanna fans and other observers, are pulling their hair out at the idea that Rihanna is sticking with this guy and may have even married him, as if that's going to help anything. He's clearly not going to learn how to behave by being rewarded with your devotion. Geno asked a convicted murderer what would happen to Chris Brown in prison... out of pure curiosity, of course. Of course.

"He better come prepared for some fun. That's all I gotta say. What do I mean? There's a lotta fellas here who love Rihanna and her music. They ain't too happy with what went down. I mean, you can't treat a princess like Rihanna like that. You gotta show some respect for a goddess like that. The guys here would love to show Chris how to really treat a woman. And you know what I mean, Chris would be the woman. That man is too damn pretty. He'd be very popular in here."

These words would be disturbing if we weren't not-so-secretly thrilled to hear them. Is that wrong?

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Group Sex Goes Terribly Wrong

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:29:00 GMT

In July of 2007, Steven Bartley and his lady friend took two men home from a local bar. They smoked some drugs, and Bartley supposedly passed out while is partner gave one of the other men head. When the third man, Steven Jones, tried to join in the fun, however, the woman got upset and woke Bartley, who then ordered the men to leave.

But when Jones refused ("I’m not leaving until I have sex with your missus."), Bartley decided he'd just throw him out. Literally.

After 15 minutes of arguing and a phone call to police, Bartley said “he lost it” and shoved Jones over the balcony. Jones landed on his head and was treated for a fractured skull and hematoma at an area hospital.

Bartley received two and a half years in prison, with his sentence to be suspended after six months.

[APP: Group-sex partner tossed over balcony for refusing to leave orgy]

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[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Janet Miss Jackson If You're Nasty Hit Hard by the Recession

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:11:00 GMT

In case you were wondering (um, we weren't... at all) Oprah is "absolutely not" interested in Obama's old job. [FadedYouth]

We couldn't agree more with what Drew Barrymore had to say about being single: "I'm not in the wrong relationship and it's great!" [Yahoo!]

Is Haley Joel Osment drawing penises (and occasionally boobs) all over people's cars? Probably. [DailyIntel]

If we ever end up as housewives it will be against our will and we hope we go out like this woman: she hit her husband with a beer bottle, then chased him with a vacuum as he cleaned up the blood. Not that violence is good, it is not. But going crazy sounds kind-of fun. [APP]

Janet Jackson knows no one can afford her tickets these days and has canceled (er, postponed) her world tour. [Us]

Lego Superman Takes the Low Road

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:01:00 GMT

We get the feeling whiny pacifists will love this video. Its biggest YouTube fans seem to be of the "I hate Superman, but I love this" variety.

To us, the only way someone could hate Superman is if they hate all superheroes, mainly because of "all that fighting and violence," however cartoonish. Perhaps the maker of this video realized there was an audience for a reactionary type of YouTube video-- oh, never mind, just enjoy. There's only one joke in it and the clip is only about a minute long-- plus, you've already wasted nearly that much time listening to this bt of pointless "insight."

Related:

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PG Porn Wishes You A Bloody Christmas

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:06:00 GMT

James Gunn is back with another "love it or want to have its creator whacked" episode of PG Porn, last fall's hottest viral video.

As before, there's no graphic sex, but that doesn't mean it isn't titillating...

Here's the video-- but tread carefully. Not only is this NSFW despite the "PG" label, it's gross in every imaginable way-- from a barf-covered drunken mama to an eyeball hanging out of its socket, and buckets of blood in between (starting after the 2 minute mark-- so enjoy until then.)

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This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

Caroline Kennedy, who seems to be losing steam in her quest for the Senate, supports gay marriage.

There has been a 16% rise in violence against gays and lesbians this year, while 2007 had already seen a 16% rise over '06, according to the author of this story about a woman gang-raped in San Francisco for having a rainbow sticker on her car.

Strollerderby reported on the principal who censored a student's pro-gay rights paper...

Students at the Academy for Arts, Science & Technology near Carolina Forest have traditionally printed their paper on their own, using funds from ad sales to cover the cost of printing the quarterly paper. But when administrators, including Principal Ronnie Burgess, saw the picture of two male students holding hands and an editorial advocating for same-sex marriage, they told the kids the paper couldn't be distributed. They offered $500 in school funds to reprint the paper - without the editorial and picture.
Burgess said he was afraid the original paper would be "disruptive."
"I had some concerns about the content of the article and how it might impact students here and what the community concerns might be when the article was distributed," he told the Myrtle Beach-based Sun News. I'm not surprised that an administrator is afraid of community backlash (even homophobic, small-minded backlash), but what floors me is the rest of Burgess' statement to the paper: "At the academy we encourage diversity, we don't look to silence student voices, we hope to facilitate their expression."

Queen guitarist Brian May was the only person on earth who didn't know his lead singer, Freddie Mercury, was a homosexual.

Arizona's activists aren't taking state-sanctioned bigotry lying down.

"Mommy and Mama Now Legal In New York," at least on the birth certificates of kids born of gay parents in the state.

75% of Americans support gay marriage and/or civil unions, while 63% support strengthening hate crime laws.

And a court in Brighton, England ruled that a straight man can be considered "sexually harassed" over gay jokes even if he is not gay himself.

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Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

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Man Shoots Wife During Sex (with a Gun)

Scanner Matt — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

This is disgusting, but we can't say we all haven't been there before. You're making love to your partner and reach over to get something from the nightstand, then accidentally pull the trigger on the .38 caliber pistol you happen to have on your nightstand, which happens to wound your partner in the chest.

WDTN of Ohio reports complete asshole Timothy Havens claims he accidentally shot his wife, Carolyn Havens (currently in critical condition), while they were doing it.

Well, the incident is obviously under investigation as Mr. Havens has a record, which includes assaulting his wife, 60 days in jail and even some anger management counseling.

A Few Things (besides this guy being an absolute psycho):

What was this guy reaching for during sex? And how did he mistake the trigger of a gun for what he was reaching for? Unless he and his wife were acting out the Lorraine Bracco/Ray Liotta scene from "Goodfellas" and didn't know the gun was loaded. Also, who does he think will actually believe his story?

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Photo/WDTN2

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:47:00 GMT

Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

Soulja Boy has gone on record saying that "Supermanning a Ho" is not something that one can actually do. We know better. [Vulture]

Is giving him money and electing him not enough? Barack Obama is never going to stop asking us for money, is he? At least if we do it now, we get a snazzy scarf. [Barack Obama]

OMG! Chuck and Vanessa were totes caught kissing at the Dallas airport. Sorry, that's Gossip Girl talk. [Us]

Brad Pitt says he'll let his kids decide whether or not he and Agelina Jolie should get married. Srsly? (Sorry, more Gossip Girl talk). [People]

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned an inflatable-breast giveaway promotion with their January issue, but the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea! [YBNBY]

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:37:00 GMT

From the Hypocrite Files: Martinez, California prosecutor Michael Gressett with twelve sex offenses, ranging from forced oral copulation to rape, stemming from an incident that took place back in May.

But Gressett says the woman is making up the story in a vengeful attempt to ruin his career.

The counts are as follows:

(3) forced sexual penetration

(4) sodomy by force

(2) forcible rape

(1) false imprisonment

(1) forced oral copulation

(1) some undetermined threatening charge

The victim is basically accusing him of the male version of the Sharon Stone character from Basic Instinct, claiming he used an icepick (and handgun, just for the hell of it) to keep her from struggling. But she was already tied up, so why did he need both a handgun and an icepick?

Something stinks about this whole case, and it's not just the fact that she waited five months before going to the police, which often happens in cases of acquaintance rape. It's just too simple-- a sex crimes prosecutor commits as many sex crimes as are humanly possible in one afternoon and not only ties the woman up, but uses a gun and a sharp object to keep her from fighting back. Then he just lets her leave his house and no one hears about it for five months.

In other words, we wouldn't be surprised if the charges are true, but in this case, we wouldn't be surprised if this woman's story starts to come up apart immediately...

Via Mercury News.

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12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:52:00 GMT

What's nuttier than a story about an adolescent getting arrested for throwing sticks and stones (literally) at his pregnant teacher?

How about what he said to her while he did it and the fact that the local media saw fit to print his mugshot as a warning to others...

According to the TV station that revealed the poor kid's identity:

The boy stands just four feet tall and weighs just 54 pounds, but apparently the little 12-year-old has a big temper. He was arrested for viciously attacking his pregnant school counselor and is now facing two felony charges, battery on a pregnant female and battery on a school official.
The 12-year-old started running away from his teachers and was about to jump the fence when the counselors tried to stop him and that's when he got mad."Next time, it's not going to be a pleasant visit! You go to school to learn!" a Palm Bay officer told Jason Lord as he got into a squad car.

We won't even take bets on whether this kid has a rough home life (there's no way they can just write this off to ADD or bipolar disorder or whatever they can come up with), since it's 99% likely he's been through more than the usual rigamarole there. You don't learn to say "Bitch, I'm going to kill you" while giving two teachers the middle finger from your classmates, you know...

We won't cause him further humiliation by posting his mugshot here... the kid's crying in it, for God's sake. Don't they have any respect?

Via WFTV.

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World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:29:00 GMT

How is today's Mom of the Year candidate trying to steal the spotlight for our previous contender (last week's nominee was a woman who texted her daughter's thirteen-year-old ex-boyfriend more than 12,000 times and threatened to blackmail him)? We'll give you a hint-- it involves firing her shotgun in a way that would make Sarah Palin proud: out of her soccer mom minivan's window...

Let's look at this woman's crimes...

1) Driving with her three teenage children in the car, Anthonia Montairo Catoire-Miller, 33, passed her daughter's ex-boyfriend, who was standing nearby, loudly laughing about he'd dumped the stupid, stupid girl. (Okay, we made that up. Seriously, he wasn't doing a damn thing to antagonize her except exisiting.)

2) Catoire-Miller turned around and did a Boyz In The Hood-style driveby with her .410 shotgun out the driver's side window, firing one blast at the boy. Luckily, she can't hit shit from fifteen feet and no one was injured.

3) Mom casually drove to a nearby house and left the car there, although it wasn't her place. She and her children walked to her house, where police arrested her...

4) ...but not without a widely-reported struggle. It ended when Catorie-Miller kicked out at least one police car window (some sources say it was two windows) before being tasered. Damn-- what do you think this woman's defense will be? Too much corn syrup? She's done for a long, long time for this one...

Via WWL.

Note: Above photo is a representation of some other woman, not the woman featured in this story.

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Today in WTF: PG Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:10:00 GMT

It seemed like a decent YouTube video idea at first, like SFW porn: make a porn movie, with porn stars, that features no actual on-screen sex. (It's called "Hollywood," stupid.) Hilarious, right?

Well, not only does PG porn come off as a complete waste of time, but it's now being attacked as being-- ironically enough-- more misogynist than actual porn...

Nailing Your Wife

We're not sure why he had to kill her with a nail gun-- is that the only way the filmmakers could think of cutting the "porn" short before it got to Actual Pornography? In any case, Theresa Darklady Reed, a feminist blogger on Huffington Post has already attacked the Gunns for their exploitation of women, namely the part where the guy shoots the woman in the head with a nail gun.

The Gunn brothers apparently consider violence against women to be not just acceptable but sexy, so long as nobody actually gets laid or engages in any wet spot to erogenous zone contact.

Actually, it's supposed to be a joke, we're pretty sure, and even if it were an offensive one, it's clearly not James Gunn's intention to look down on the female gender for its "cheating ways." However, we're not sure what the point of the video is either, besides an attempt at a goofy internet video gone wrong...

Via News.au.com.

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Transgender Rambo Goes On Rampage of Racism, Arson, and Harmless Fun

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:50:00 GMT

It's not nice to laugh at people who have mental problems, so we won't.

We'll just tell you what this nutty Brit did to earn herself a minimum three years in prison before even be "considered for parole..."

1) Joanne Spencer, who is reportedly a "gender reassignment patient," tried to burn down her apartment building after fighting with a neighbor.

2) Spencer answered the door when the police arrived "wearing combat gear and a gas mask and told police she would not come out and was wearing the mask so she would be killed by the flames rather than fumes."

3) Firefighters had to taser her to get her to leave.

4) When she returned to her apartment to pick up some of her things, she got spooked (the story isn't very clear here) and jumped into a taxi. She made racist remarks and threatened to go "Rambo" on the taxi driver with her hunting knife if he didn't drive her away, all while swinging the knife at his head.

5) She was taken down via "stun gun" this time.

The judge acknowledged Spencer's rough life but seemed completely oblivious to the fact that this person should be in a mental institution, not a prison. He sentenced her

indefinitely for public protection, and said it would be a minimum of three years before she would be considered for parole. [Yorkshire Evening Post]

What do you think? Was this deserved or do you have a better idea?

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Top 5 Most Offensive Commericals We Can Think Of At The Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

We've been so busy renting DVDs from a certain mail order/internet service that we haven't watched television, certainly not television with commercial interruption, for what seems like years now. So it's a very jarring experience to go over Scanner Emily's house, eat casseroles, and watch something from the modern era called The Biggest Loser and stare in mute agony at the barrage of filth and garbage that gets thrown back in our faces. By the advertisers, of course.

This got us thinking about how grateful we are not to see commericals, especially this atrocious fivesome, ever again. Here are five television ads someone hopefully got fired over...

5. "Racist" McDonald's African-themed commercial. 'Nuff said.

4. When the guy gets out of the car in the beginning of this Credit MacDaddy commercial, we were deathly afraid it would be a zombified Rick James.

3. Forget whether the makers and signer-offers of this ad should be fired, they should downright be imprisoned for exploiting our veterans for monetary gain. It's so bad, it'll almost make you forget about the Republican Party's exploitation of 9/11 victims for political gain... naw, not really...

2. This one's just probably offensive to our intelligence. Although we don't even want to think about the possible number of people who actually trusted that guy with their money.

1. The top ad here (Senator Chambliss' ad against then-incumbet Democratic Senator and Vietnam Vet Max Cleland), which famously linked a man who lost limbs for his country to Osama Bin Laden (and succeeded in defeating that man), is easily the most offensive commercial in human history. Here's a bonus... a commercial that's either a) extremely offensive or b) not offensive at all, depending on your point of view. Just staying neutral on this one, we have to admit it's hard to explain why this might be offensive. Maybe it's that it's not effective... or that it turns domestic violence into a Hollywood action sequence... or that it's just plain terrible and a waste of money better spent actually helping victims of spousal abuse.

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Don't F*ck With People From Detroit

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 16:32:00 GMT

Alex Zola is from Detroit. When he first moved to New York City twenty years ago, his father gave him some advice: "If someone mugs you, give them everything they want. Everything. Offer your shoes as well. That should make them happy."

The unsaid piece of advice he decided not to add was: "If someone fucks with you, tell 'em, 'Don't fuck with me, I'm from Detroit..."

Of course, Zola was subsequently mugged four years later by a guy who "helped" him by holding the door to a bank's ATM lobby. Zola and the guy, who turned out to be a homeless man wanted for his involvement in a murder, got into a sort-of fistfight, after which the mugger blocked Zola's escape route and demanded money, any money. Instead of giving him the $40 he'd just removed from the machine, Zola gave him the ninety cents from his pocket. The man actually let him go.

When the police caught the man later that night, the mugger screamed obscenities and threats. Finally, the cops had to say: “Shut the fuck up. Do you think you’re scaring him? He’s from Detroit." Later, the mugger apologized:

“Are you really from Detroit,” he asked. I nodded. “Look man, nothing personal,” he said. “I was just trying to get paid.”

Wow. We knew people from Detroit were badass, but we had no idea muggers were actually afraid of them.

The story, which Zola published on Open Salon, goes on to include an incident with The Old Man (as Zola refers to his father), in which a quartet of gangbangers surrounded The Old Man in Manhattan, causing The Old Man to utter a very memorable response... read it here.

Via Open Salon.

Image via Hogvalley. Clip via Kentucky Fried Movie.

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RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:22:00 GMT

Scanner Brian is in Minneapolis this week for the Republican National Convention...

Day Two at the RNC was, for the most part, a much more subdued affair, even more so than the shortened Monday night. The reason you aren't hearing about as much violence or as many protest marches is, according to one activist lawyer, because the city is stalling the court procedures against those already in jail.

"They only went through two cases, both misdemeanors, in the several hours I was [at the courthouse.] Bail was... $750. They're going to drag this thing out..." In other words, the city is going to quell the violence by keeping the violent protesters-- and anyone else picked up in march-related sweeps, such as a woman who had been pushing a stroller-- out of the public eye.

Meanwhile, Republicans increasingly found themselves on the defensive as Joe Lieberman rescued what was becoming a rapidly disappointing convention...

First, George Bush spoke via video link. A rumor going around the convention had said he would actually make a surprise in-person appearance, but that was never the plan-- as one McCain campaign worker told us, "we wanted to keep the President as far from McCain as possible." It didn't work-- most of the news in the paper today is about Bush's speech and how supportive the two are of each other, even after the bitter 2000 primary campaign.

Bush's speech, as expected, continued his longstanding practice of using 9/11 as a political weapon:

"We live in a dangerous world," Mr Bush told delegates in Minnesota.

"And we need a President who understands the lessons of September 11, 2001: that to protect America, we must stay on the offence (sic), stop attacks before they happen, and not wait to be hit again.

"The man we need is John McCain."

Of course, Bush's certainty about McCain's "readiness" for office, as he calls it, completely contradicts his campaign's position eight years ago, during which the current President attack the Arizona Senator for being too much of a loose cannon for the highest office in the land. (A former POW agrees... watch the video here.)

Lieberman's speech, meanwhile, was well received by both delegates and a media looking for a story other than a negative one about Sarah Palin:

He called Obama "a gifted and eloquent young man" with a promising future. "But eloquence is no substitute for a record - not in these tough times," Lieberman said. He pitched a special appeal for McCain votes to independents and Democrats, saying his is "the real ticket for change this year."

"I'm here, as a Democrat myself, to tell you: Don't be fooled," Lieberman said.

While Lieberman has angered Democratic leaders, they haven't been able to do anything about it.

Lieberman, who describes himself as an Independent Democrat, endorsed McCain for president on Dec. 17, 2007, when his friend was struggling for a comeback in the campaign for the Republican nomination. McCain called it "a courageous act."

At the time, Lieberman was asked whether he was concerned about Democratic punishment for his defection to the GOP candidate. "I'm the 51st vote," he said, smiling. [Seattle Times]

We saw the poor guy take a coffin out of the back of this vehicle and carry it in two different marches. We were very disturbed by this-- not necessarily in the wrong way, though.

Meanwhile, at nearby Mears Park, the Poor People's Economic Human Rights Campaign rallied peacefully (and even quietly), serving up free vegan lunch buffets, hosting live radio interviews with homeless residents of Minneapolis, and generally trying to take it easy after the unrest that was Monday.

While we were standing at the edge of the park, getting ready to head to the convention, and just before the PPEHRC march was to begin, we were suddenly surrounded by riot cops (i.e. "stormtroopers), all of whom were wielding batons and racing around us at top speed. A young man of perhaps 18 to 2 years was opening his backpack when the cops swooped in; as he looked up, a trooper lunged forward and shoved him hard. The man's head appeared to hit a large rock along the bank of the brook as he went down, hard. Before we could rush to his aid, we were almost instantly surrounded by hundreds of protesters, all of whom began chanting: "The whole world is watching!" Cameras came out and everyone tried to get a good look at the injured kid. It was too late-- there were far too many people...

We'll leave you on a positive note... Rage Against the Machine was not permitted to play their surprise concert during Monday's rally... so they took matters into their own hands...

[We can't yet embed the YouTube video because their site is down, but here's the link. Keep trying, they'll be online soon.]

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Somebody Wants To Invade Our Vaginas

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:52:00 GMT

Woah! At the end of the day yesterday, we received this message from the John McCain satellite office at Cakebread (the man is rumored to have shadow offices everywhere, including at Katie Couric's house and the W.C. at the DNC.) Our minds were too blown to do anything about it at the time. What if it was true? The government killed people for publicizing less Top Secret information.

But here is, no doubt, irrefutable proof that Senator John McCain is going to invade our fucking vaginas. It's even in quotes, for God's sake, so it must be true.

Okay, that's about as far as we can stretch the joke. But y'all know McCain can keep it going, maybe make it part of his Iran warmongering speeches: "Iran, if you don't stop building those nukes, I'm going to personally invade all your vaginas." And so forth.

In unrelated news, McCain continued his sore loser tradition of trying to make everything look like it was his idea all along! Classic McCain moment from yesterday: Senator, are you upset that Europe and, in particular, Berlin are welcoming Barack Obama is a hero, the generation's greatest leader? Naw, I think I'll wait to speak in Germany until after I'm elected. Fair enough, but we can't help but think McCain is the kid who didn't get invited to your ninth birthday party and then acted like he wouldn't have gone even if he that invitation hadn't gotten "lost in the mail."

Sloppy Seconds: It's Friday And Salma Hayek Is Single

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:50:00 GMT

A woman paid $1,000 for someone else's baby after having a miscarriage. Painful Excerpt: "...she didn’t want to disappoint her mother." Yikes.

Did you guys and gals attend the mass nude photo shoot today in Ann Arbor, Michigan?

The Best Article Every Day today featured "7 Reasons Why The New iPhone Sucks."

Lockup your children, drugs, bowler hats, and microphones: Pete Doherty is on the loose.

John McCain actually doesn't hide from gay Republicans. He just conveniently leaves them off his public schedule.

Today in Weight Gain or Pregnancy? rumors is Uma Thurman.

Wonkette reports that our favorite cheating, divorcing family values Republican seriously injured a man at a Congressional baseball game and did nothing while the man bled all over the place. Oh, then he hit a home run and celebrated. Classy.

Another disgusting Obama shirt or just a poor choice of words: "Obama Is My Slave." (we're betting it's the former-- can you picture them making and somehow selling a John McCain version?)

Salma Hayek is not getting married to some billionaire after all. While the lesbian rumors start up again, we'll make our move...

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Photo via AskMen.

Bikini Jello Wrestling Contest Ends In Violence, Chaos, Stickiness

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A jello wrestling competition, performed strictly by girls in bikinis, held as part of an end-of-the-term drinking marathon known as Suicide Sunday, descended into chaos and bloody violence after one girl turned into a big-time sore loser...

According to the Daily Mail, a student of Cambridge University in England, lost her shot at 250 pounds in prize money, thanks to spectators who voted her the defeated party in one match. Nadia Witowski subsequently stood up and punched a spectator in the nose, presumably having heard something insulting about herself. She then grabbed a bottle of Lambrini and staggered toward civilization, where two bouncers folded their arms and blocked her path.

Undeterred, Ms Witkowski lashed out again, punching one bouncer and attempting to headbutt the other.
Police were called to the party at Trinity Old Fields, Cambridge, at 1.30pm on Sunday and Ms Witkowski was arrested. She was later cautioned by officers for common assault.

The above-mentioned spectator, who was presumably adorable in her butterfly wings, fled the festivities with a bloody nose.

The 'Blazers and Bikinis' bash was the 79th Suicide Sunday party organised by the Wyverns - an infamous all-male Magdalene College drinking society.

Is there any doubt going to school in the United Kingdom is way more fun than in the US?

Is that Pete Doherty in the black tie?

More on this story (and photos) at The Daily Mail.

Previously: Princess Eugenie's Endearing Nude Rampage

And You Think Your In-Laws Are Bad?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Imagine for a moment that your in-laws are such terrible people you have to file a case against them for violence. Then imagine you go to file said complaint only to find out your in-laws have gone to extreme measures to make sure the complaint won't really matter.

A woman in India went to do just that — file a case against her husband's family because they were violent — only to find out that her husband's brother, a lawyer, had forged a divorce for the couple ten years earlier.

Meena Verma, a mother of two children, tried to file a case against her in-laws for violence, only to be told by a court in Haryana state that she had been divorced for a decade...

"It seems the divorce was doctored to defeat Meena's possible complaint," he said. The couple filed a petition accusing Virender's brother, Surinder Verma, and four associates, of forgery. Surinder denied the accusation.

Doesn't that kind-of make you want to give your bewhiskered, over-bearing mother-in-law a big hug and kiss? No? Didn't think so, but we thought we'd ask, anyway.

[Reuters: Couple "divorced without knowledge"]

Amy Winehouse's Rampage

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:48:00 GMT

Amy was on the warpath again the other night, assaulting up to three people (that we know of), injuring herself and her reputation, and even inexplicably shouting for all to hear: "I am a legend, get these people out. I want to take drugs."

Her list of crimes, all according to a Yahoo! News summation.

1) She headbutted a total stranger whom she thought was trying to grope her shriveled boobs. Actually, dude, he was trying to hail you a cab. Not everybody is into 42 pound junkies, okay?

2) According to the Sun & the AP: "she allegedly punched a second person in the face before walking herself into a lamppost." Classic Marx Brothers material-- if the Marx Brothers were as dumb as Will Ferrell's last ten movies.

3) She was hanging out with, for much of the evening, Pete Doherty. Enough said.

4) And that's only the epilogue to the evening. Winehouse was barhopping earlier and slugged a male patron who refused to give up the billiards table:

"I feel so angry," musician Mustapha el Mounmi, who posed for the paper in his swollen-lipped glory, told the tabloid. "She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back—she's a woman."

5) One more PS, according to E!:

While Winehouse eventually made it home early Wednesday morning, she reportedly added one last insult to injury by stiffing her cab driver, refusing to pay any more than half of her fare.