Scanner : video game

Nintendo DS Boob Cover So Cute, We Want To Cover Everything With Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 17:48:00 GMT

We don't really understand the need to spend four hours a day playing video games, as many people who own video games do. But then to take a portable gaming device on the subway to play it all the way to 86th St.? That's just excessive.

Playing video games by oneself has always seemed kind of pathetic-- what, real life sports or conversation isn't stimulating enough that you want to play a fighting game alone?-- but now the Nintendo DS has gotten a whole lot sexier, thanks to one unidentified artiste.

The following boob-related cover for the DS makes the gaming device almost sexy and appealing... we said "almost."

Unfortunately, it's not for sale.

Related:

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Padma Lakshmi Suddenly, Surprisingly Naked

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

Related:

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Pic via Drunken Stepfather

Rape Simulation Game: Wheee!

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:30:00 GMT

This is the most disturbing game I've ever seen. RapeLay is a Japanese rape simulation game which was for sale until recently on Amazon (view the cache image here).

Amazon's description: "Rapelay is an offshoot of the Illusion series, Interact Play. You, like in previous installments, play as a public nuisance that gets away from captivity and starts scouting for new targets. This time around you find a family of a single mother and her two daughters. You quickly begin your hunt and capture each woman one by one. The gameplay involves an amusing training/disposition system with which to break each respective target to your liking. Watch where you blow your load, or you might get them pregnant!"

But a user review quoted in the Belfast Telegraph describes it further, and it gets even sicker. "If she does become pregnant you're supposed to force her to get an abortion, otherwise she gets more and more visibly pregnant each time you have sex. If you allow the child to be born then the woman will throw you in front of a train!"

Amazon removed the game after the Telegraph brought it to their attention. But a search on Amazon currently for the game brings up a passage in the book Japanamerica: How Japanese Culture Has Invaded the U.S., arguing that anyone taking offense to this game just doesn't understand Japanese culture: "of course, it does not make fantasy a reality, any more than tenticle porn subjects real Japanese women to rapists who look like octopi or attack with tree limbs."

Tentacle porn?!

Here's a screen shot from the game, where you'll see the graphic artists had as good of a grasp of female anatomy as that evidenced when my friend and I found her younger brother's drawings of naked ladies back in high school. In the video beneath that photo, you'll see these super-extendo breasts are apparently made of Jello, because they don't stop moving.

UPDATE: This video has since been removed from YouTube. The following video shows characters from RapeLay in a different game.

Related:

We Need to Come Up with a New Word for "Rape Fantasy"

Do Rape, Don't Tell: Women in U.S. Army More Likely To Get Raped Than Killed

Today in WTF? Flirting Women Blamed for Rape

Via I Am Bored

While You Were Sleeping: Laura Croft To Get Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

How is that we haven't found a reason to share this clip of Ryan Seacrest trying to high-five a blind American Idol contestant?

The former director of faith-based initiatives for the state of Ohio was busted for operating an online prostitution ring.

If you're a high school sports coach and you're going to text an underage girl, try not to do it while you're in the same room as your wife, who is hanging out with one of her parents. Okay?

The guy who killed Oscar Grant pled... not guilty.

Hey, Rhode Island: did you know prostitution is legal indoors in your state?

What do you do if your video game isn't hot anymore? Have your main character walk around naked, which is apparently the plan for the next edition of Tomb Raider.

And 90210's latest attempt to boost its ratings is a guest appearance by Diablo Cody, pictured above.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

Related:

Flight of the Conchords... Already Premiering Right Here, Baby

Amy Winehouse Gets Naked. For a Good Cause. For Real.

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

The best part about buying lingerie for yourself and/or your loved one is that it's a gift that gives and receives. Oh, and it's considerably more thoughtful than other clothing purchases.

Playboy's Gamer Next Door shows you what you need to know...

Poorly edited, written (or "ad libbed"), shot, and... good Lord... did she just say "innerestin'"? Indeed.

Also, she doesn't feel "very green" by donating books to the Salvation Army? My dear, that's known as "recycling." Other than that, we, um, enjoyed the costuming in this film production and the realization that Rayman's Raving Rabbits is the first game we can play with our asses.

Via YouTube.

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

The Day Hugh Hefner Almost Swallowed a Sex Toy

Italians Find Your G-Spot, Promptly Lose It Again

The Halo Wedding: More Pathetic Than the Second Life Divorce?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:31:00 GMT

These two appear harmless, right?

Nope. They are having a violent video game wedding, goddamn it....

SickInDeHead and Psycho Vandal, known as Desirai Labrada, 29, and John Henry, 26 on their birth certificates and to their two remaining life-form friends, are getting married after three years of, um, dating. Turns out they met online... while playing Halo. MTV has the scoop on these Florida kooks:

They played "Halo" as teammates. As they were falling in love, they tended to back each other up a lot, watching each other's back as lasers and grenades fell around them. And in an act of sacrifice only possible during a blossoming romance, Desirai agreed to take Dramamine so she could last through three-hour binges of campaign mode on "Halo 3" with John without getting motion sickness.

Awww shitballs. Then there's the whole they-hadn't-even-met-yet thing. Oh yeah, it gets better:

" 'Wouldn't it be cool if people at my wedding could play games?' " Desirai remembered thinking. "I kept coming up with ideas of how I could bring 'Halo' into it."

No, it wouldn't, particularly since XBox doesn't have WiiSports or even Goldeneye, the only two games your guests will want to play. We wish them luck... and since it's the end of the day on Friday, we'll reserve further comment on these two lovebirds.

Via MTV.

Sloppy Seconds: Even Winning 'American Idol' Won't Help You in this Economy

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

This Week in Gayness: Gotta Love Them Bathhouses

Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 17:27:00 GMT

When you think about it, it should have been obvious from the start that a push-button game involving a giant phallus would eventually morph into a push-button game involving a giant vag...

Of course, the folks at Ripten, which claims to have an exclusive first look at "Arctivision's" holiday blockbuster video game, are kidding around. But it makes us wonder why somebody hasn't come up with this already... it's obviously a tremendously commercial concept. Check out the highlights from the fake press release:

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life.
Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:
“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled..."
Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that?"

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Obviously, whoever wrote that is a virgin, and not even the "Well, I did finger this one girl at the eighth grade dance" virgins, either. Or maybe we're doing it all wrong. Either way, we'd love to try this out... if only someone would produce this title for real...

Via Ripten.

Do You Want To Watch Weird Swedes Put On Condoms?

Yes, We'd Like A Lifetime Supply of Pronto Condoms, Please

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:49:00 GMT

"Dave Barmy" is seen here with his actual/virtual mistress.

A nerdtastic couple in the UK is going through a divorce, thanks to the wife walking in on the husband with a "homewrecker" of a Second Life character.

We thought the story would end there, with the delusional nerd thinking it was worth losing a marriage for an online cuddle, but then the wife had to go and get involved with someone herself...

It turns out that "Dave Barmy," a.k.a. real life humanoid Dave Pollard, "cheated" in the online game by hiring a virtual prostitute (dude... we are speechless-- you're married in real life and you risk the end of your relationship by cheating... with a video game hooker?) And even though Pollard had no physical contact with another woman, spouse Amy Taylor called the online affair "the ultimate betrayal." Then Taylor decided not only to hire a virtual private investigator (!) for help with her divorce case, but to get a little action of her own:

Taylor was quoted by newspapers including The Guardian and The Times of London on Friday as saying she has found a new man in an alternative cyber universe, World of Warcraft.

Pollard says he is already virtually engaged and can't wait to marry his new fiance "in rl" -- short for "real life."

Good luck, kids.

Via Times and CBS.

Related:

Sexy Librarians Win Wisconsin Dance-Off

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Alan Greenspan reveals the man responsible for the grave economic crisis we're facing: it's jazz musician Stan Getz.

Apparently, I, Brian Fairbanks had something to do with that Oregon stripper mayor getting stripped of her duties. We don't understand this link either.

This guy won't be able to accompany his 17-year-old wife to her high school dances...

Five pieces of facial jewelry may be all that is stopping a high school senior from attending any school dances with the 19-year-old man she recently married.
Casey Engstrom, 19, graduated from Hubbard High School in 2007. He has since married Brittany, 17, who is still a senior at the high school. The young couple now lives a stone’s throw away from the high school with Casey Engstrom’s grandmother, but Casey Engstrom will not be permitted to attend any school dances with his new wife. Casey Engstrom has been informed that he is banned from such school functions because of skin-stretching jewelry in his lip and ears. [Link]

Cynthia Nixon got involved in a debate about her kids' school, with video.

Send folk singer Odetta a card-- she's in critical condition in a New York hospital.

A man listed a beat up, useless automobile on e-bay for a few hundred dollars and then all but forgot about it. When the auction closed at well over $200,000, it became clear that the car was only one of six of its kind ever made.

Can someone explain to us why the TRL finale was on a Sunday night? Anyway, it featured a stunning cast of music stars, including Eminem, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.

And Barack Obama had a busy Sunday: he resigned his Senate seat, gave the Democratic radio address, and addressed the nation... all on YouTube.

Related:

Oregon Stripper-Mayor Stripped of Power: Let Freedom Reign!

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

It's About Damn Time The World Had a Black Wonder Woman

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:53:00 GMT

The awesome sounding Ghostbusters game, featuring the original cast and creators, will be out in 2009, thanks to Atari, who rescued the franchise.

A heartbreaking post from a lesbian mom in California is here. Madonna, meanwhile, attacked Prop 8 in an LA concert and had Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake perform live with her, albeit at separate times.

A male major in the Japanese air force was busted for shopping for women's underwear... while naked.

Kanye West broke his media silence to give an interview in Singapore about what the Beatles mean to him.

Race was not a factor in the election in West Virginia. Take that, Bill Clinton!

Samantha Who star Christina Applegate will undergo reconstructive surgery following her double mastectomy.

Michelle Monaghan gave birth to a wee lil' gal.

And Craigslist will no charge $10 per erotic service ad, in an apparent attempt to crush the human trafficking that's been going on there.

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

This had better be a fake, dude...

From the Toronto Craigslist's m4w section comes the personal ad of the century. This guy must've received hundreds of responses-- yeah, from guys playing a joke on him...

Check out his ad, titled

"INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)"

(really, no need to read further, especially after he capitalizes "intelligent.")

Hello ladies of the internet! [Translation: Hello Nerve readers making fun of me!]
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. (Honestly, we had no idea people refer to nighttime hours as "the 'even.") As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

Really, that whole last sentence is redundant-- we figured out hours ago you were an "avid gamer," probably somewhere around the word "Asian" in your headline.

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them. [Trying... not to die... laughing...]
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage [As if you weren't picky enough already, guy]
- Large collection of animé and manga [...reducing the list of available women who meet these guidelines to zero]
- Glasses [sort of factored in if you're into manga and video games]
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying [why do we get the feeling his idea of roleplaying is different from ours?]
- Traditional Ladies' education [What, like Miss Porter's School For Girls?!]

Let us reiterate: this has to be a fake. If it's not, whoever whipped it up is sharper than any writer for Saturday Night Live, especially for their brilliant inclusion of the following photo with the ad:

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Hey, Pegasus or whatever your name is: if you're out there, let us know how it's going... in the non-computer generated world, of course...

Via Craigslist.

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Stupid poster available from AllPosters.com

How dare these bastards try to stop up from playing "Beer Pong: The Video Game?" Never mind that we're spending $50 on a video game in which we salivate over digitized beer, when we could play it for real for $1.99 worth of Country Club...

Time Magazine has this shocking, shocking story:

Perhaps, in retrospect, JV Games should have seen this coming. After all, drinking games and video games may be two of college kids' favorite pastimes, but they are also a source of constant complaints from the students' middle-aged parents. So when the softwaremaker tried to combine the two adolescent activities, many critics felt it had gone too far.

"Too far" meaning, in this case, attempting to release a video game promoting binge drinking on the Nintendo brand.

"We never anticipated such a severe reaction to the word beer," says Jag Jaegar, co-owner of JV Games, which released Pong Toss on July 28 with a kid-friendly rating of T for teen.

Never anticipated?! Dude, the problem isn't the word "beer," it's everything including "beer." And yes, they actually changed the name of the game to "Pong Toss" and now feature water in the cups instead of booze.

Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Via Time.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Doesn't the New Female Condom Look Like Fun?

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

Sony Video Game To Feminists: "Let Them Eat Cake" (Literally)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Sony apparently forgot that there are, surprise, women who play video games. More importantly, they forgot that feminists play video games and can raise a big stink on the interblogs if they they think your game is unfunny, sexist, and more out of touch than George W. Bush...

Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.

The ladyblogs had trouble deciding what to attack first...

Melissa McEwan of Shakesville writes: "Congrats on your awesome new game, Sony. I'm positively thrilled to see such unyielding dedication to creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative assholes."

Zing! Wait, what does that mean?

Feminist Gamer's "Mighty Ponygirl" suggests a simple gameplay switcheroo would solve the problem (and change the title). "Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest," she says, adding, "The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry."

That's a great idea! Then again, Sony isn't interested in having their video games make sense or insulting fewer than half the population of the world. Nope, they just say "let those feminists eat cake-- literally." And male gamers are apparently backing them up-- check out the comments on Joystiq:

Fat women would be better served by getting up and exercising and eating less. They would have more energy, better self image and feel more confident. They might find a boyfriend, even perhaps, love. But you know, its like hard to do that stuff, and its easy to complain on the internet!
Women will cry about anything.
They are piss because they lack a penis.
If it were "Fat Prince" and you had to carry an obese dude around nobody would care. Except maybe Prince.

However, a female commenter had a reaction similar to ours:

If anything, I think they're attacking the wrong concept. Who cares if she's fat or gets fed? It's way more offensive that the princess is treated as an object (in replacement of a flag) and helpless (she can't even move on her own) and unable to do anything about her situation (or refuse food). But I know that the designers weren't being pig-headed, they were just trying to be creative, and they succeeded.

There are far too many memorable (but not necessarily intelligent) comments to post here, so check out the original post.

Via Joystiq and Yahoo!

Video of the Day: Rush Plays Rush... In Rock Band

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:37:00 GMT

We always thought Rock Band and Guitar Hero were the best video game ideas ever, not to mention long overdue, and then end up disappointed that one just ends up pushing buttons on a guitar-shaped controller-- instead of a guitar with some strings on it that one could fake-play, sort of like air guitar but with strings, making the game about how well you mimic the song for real. (Does that make any sense?)

This seems to be the same problem the band Rush has when they tried to play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band: they wanted to play the song as it's really played, not just push a couple of buttons...

Turns out Rush only got 31%. Someone offscreen, perhaps a "yes man"-type intern or Colbert Report producer, tells them they didn't do half bad. The guy does have a point: after all, he did start them off on "Expert."

Here's how it's done:

Via Comedy Central.

Sloppy Seconds: Kelly Rowland's Booty Implants?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 21:50:00 GMT

Break out the Big Suit: "Psycho Killer" is among the dozens of tracks on Rock Band 2. Also on there: a new Guns 'N Roses song, Sonic Youth, and more 70s craptastic rock.

A businessman in Florida is being chastised for putting up a billboard with the words "Don't Vote For A Democrat" accompanied by an image of the Twin Towers falling. The man, whose website has a $5 CD with a track entitled "The Republican Song," is only doing what the GOP did in 2004 by hosting their convention in New York City. Oh, right, that was pretty disgraceful, too...

Kristin Bell signed up for the third season of "Heroes." She said she's thrilled to be "electrocuting people again!"

Are Jenny Lewis and Conor Oberst together or something? Well, anyway, they're touring together later this year, following the release of the new Jenny Lewis solo album, which features an incredible all-star lineup.

A teen pregnancy movie played in Korea long before Ellen Page popped one out. The title? "Jeni, Juno."

Headline of the Day: Not News: Pizza place robbed. News: Robbed by your husband while you're working there. Fark: Your parents helped and it was their idea...

Society has grown too superficial, even for us, if anyone's resorting to getting ass implants to stay relevant. (By the way, we're not saying this story is true-- Kelly Rowland getting implants-- but we're worried it might be...)

Weird New Political Video Game Continuing the Rovian Traditions

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:34:00 GMT

A new PC game skewers the American political scene while celebrating it with fun, fingers-of-God powers to mess with Obama, McCain, or even [Your Name Here.]

The Political Machine is a strategy game that takes the real world mechanics of political campaigning and uses it to create an award-winning strategy game. Raise money, hire spin-doctors, win the endorsements of important groups, go on TV interviews, take out ads, fight off smear merchants and much more in your quest to win the 270 electoral votes you need to get into the white house.

The reviews have been good so far (4.5 out of 5 and an "Editors Choice Award" on GamePro), while mostly leaving out our favorite part: the option of using hired "Smear Merchants" to make unwarranted attacks on your opponent(s.) Unfortunately, though,

the game’s not nasty enough. Politics can get pretty rough and tumble, but the worst you can do in this game is distort your opponent’s stance on the issues. You can’t leak photos of them wearing a turban, or run a few out-of-context clips on Youtube until their negative rating is so high that you win by default. You actually have to campaign on the issues, which we all know is completely unrealistic. [Ripten]

Aw, man! That's the whole fun part of politics-- anonymous phone calls to the New York Daily News leaking your opponent's extramarital affair (whoops, maybe that's just us), for starters...

Should you still want to check it out (it only works on PC's, it seems), their official website is here.

What Do We Think About Vanity Fair's Fake Celebrities?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:58:00 GMT

Who are these nyphms, Vanity Fair, and why should we care about them?

Here's the abridged survey:

AMANDA SEYFRIED Age: 22. Hometown: Allentown, Pennsylvania. Breakthrough roles: Karen in Mean Girls, Sarah on HBO’s Big Love. Upcoming film: Mamma Mia!

What We Like About Her:

Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin? “Prada. I don’t have any, but they make a woman’s leg look fantastic.” Favorite designer? “Miu Miu. I can’t afford it, but I love it.” Who do you dream of working with one day? Michael Caine. Xbox, Wii, or PlayStation? “Wii, because of Guitar Hero.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Favorite movie? “Romeo and Juliet with Claire Danes. She was the first girl I related to in some way.” Hybrid or Escalade? “Audi. Maybe I should drive a hybrid. I do have a shirt that says, ‘Go Green.’ ”

EMMA ROBERTS Age: 17. Hometown: Rhinebeck, New York. Breakthrough roles: Addie Singer on Nickelodeon’s Unfabulous, title role in Nancy Drew. Upcoming film: Wild Child. First “Hollywood” moment? “I guess after my television show started airing, and I would be walking around the mall or just out with friends, and girls would come up to me and be like, ‘Oh my God, we love your show, we love this!’ And I would look around still, and be like, ‘Are they really talking to me?’ ”

What We Like About Her:

Chuck Taylors or Nikes? Chuck Taylors. Favorite movie? Almost Famous. American Idol or Lost? “Lost! I’m a huge Lost fan.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Number of shoes in your closet? “Probably a little under 50.” Style icon? “I love the way Mary-Kate and Ashley dress. I know that’s probably cliché to say.”

BLAKE LIVELY Age: 20. Hometown: Burbank, California. Breakthrough roles: Bridget in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Serena van der Woodsen in Gossip Girl. Upcoming film: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

What We Like About Her:

First “Hollywood” moment? “I hope not ever.” Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin? “Jimmy Choo and Chanel. I can’t stand it: the security guards know me there.” Favorite guy’s guy? “I’m dating Brad Pitt.” Favorite girl’s girl? Angelina Jolie. Favorite snack? “Whatever’s greasier and cheesier the better.” Hybrid or Escalade? “Hybrid. Even if anybody picked the Escalade they wouldn’t say it, ‘cause it’d be, like, bombed.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary:

Favorite movie? Wizard of Oz, Moulin Rouge!, Romeo and Juliet.

KRISTEN STEWART Age: 18. Hometown: North Hollywood, California. Breakthrough roles: Jodie Foster’s daughter in Panic Room, Tracy in Into the Wild. Upcoming films: Twilight, Adventureland, and What Just Happened?

What We Like About Her:

Chuck Taylors or Nikes? Converse. Favorite designer? “Oh, I don’t know. Anything that’s beat up. I kind of like to look like a hobo.” Role model? Jodie Foster. BlackBerry or iPhone? “I’m getting a BlackBerry. I don’t even have an e-mail address. I just need a phone that’s not gonna break.” What’s on your iPod? Van Morrison, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones. Last book you read? Under the Banner of Heaven, by Jon Krakauer. Morning or evening? “I’m a night person. I mean, look at me.” Hybrid or Escalade? “A ‘95 Toyota Tacoma.”

What Makes Us A Little Weary (okay, this didn't really make us weary):

Boy crush? “My boyfriend, Michael Angarano!”

Obviously, Blake Lively is a celebrity and Scanner digs her bad attitude and sort-of just-out-of-an-angry-publicist's-reach no-bullshit way of conducting interviews (thank God, there may be hope for intelligent life to come out of this generation), but what about the rest of them? Is Vanity Fair just manufacturing fame or will these four go on to big things? (Don't forget that many of the Vanity Fair cover models, including Gretchen Mol, peaked with their VF covers and haven't been heard from since.)

Photo and interview via Vanity Fair.

13 Year Olds Busted For Ordering Hookers With Dad's Credit Card

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 May 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Easily the most amusing article we've seen this week: the Money story on the thirteen-year-old boy convicted of fraud after her stole his Dad's credit card, went on a wild shopping spree, and capped off the day with some friends in a hotel room full of hookers gives us hope for the up-and-coming generation...

Ralph Hardy (name, for whatever reason, not withheld) is your average thirteen-year-old boy in Newark, TX. He likes World of Warcraft, video games, and ridiculously wild prostitute orgies. Ralph

1) Ordered a credit card in his father's name

2) Took his friends on a $30,000 shopping spree (in other words, he bought a hat from a New York vintage store.)

3) Back at their hideout (aka a trashy hotel some idiot rented to them without parental consent), they ordered cookies, potato chips, and cases of Dr. Pepper. When the delivery driver came to their door, the boys asked him if he could "score them some chicks and were willing to pay." The man, obviously the only sane person in Newark, Texas, called the cops.

4) Somehow, two call girls materialized. This passage has to be read in full:

Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

That may be offensive, but goddamn if it isn't hilarious. Oh, there's more:

The escort girls who were released without charge, told the arresting officers something was up when the kids said they would rather play Xbox than get down to business.

5) The article concludes with this little gem, which is why we have gotten such hope for the future from it: "Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician."

Read the whole thing in full (you owe it to yourself on this beautiful day) at the UK Money site.

Video of the Day: Grand Theft Auto IV

Emily Farris — Thu, 01 May 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Can we just watch you play Grand Theft Auto IV? We're no good at video games; we never even saved the Mushroom Princess. In fact, we still have our NES and we still can't save the Mushroom Princess. But Grand Theft Auto is like a choose-your-own adventure Bruce Willis movie. (Or maybe someone can come up with a better comparison?).

Anyway, you should choose and have the adventure; we just want to watch you play while we sit back and eat pulled pork on a sesame bun and and drink some cold whiskey and tell you to beat up the other guy. How sad is it that that sounds like the perfect date to us these days?

P.S. This video is not safe for work (like you didn't already know that).

Miss Bimbo Is Missunderstood (By Feminazis)

Katie Halper — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 13:10:00 GMT

Scanner Brian already broke the story about the "Miss Bimbo" video game, which describes itself as a “virtual fashion game for girls.” But I wanted to take a moment to defend the game from the Feminazis who are attacking it. First of all, a little about the game. When the game encourages its players to "stop at nothing" to win, what exactly does that mean?

When you sign up to play the game, you are given a naked female character and encouraged to compete against other players to become “hottest, coolest, most famous bimbo in the whole world.” The game coaches the players-- whose age ranges from 7-17– to “stop at nothing,” not even “meds or plastic surgery,” to win. Missions include buying and taking diet pills which cost 100 bimbo dollars. You can even eat “every now and then” but you must stay “waif thin.” Another mission you are given is to find a rich boyfriend:

Bimbo dollars is ‘the cabbage,’ ‘bread,’ the ‘mula’ you’ll need to buy nice things and to get by in bimbo world. To earn some bimbo cash you will have to (gasp) work or find a boyfriend to be your sugar daddy and hook you up with a phat expense account!

And of course, no game called Miss Bimbo would be complete without encouraging their young female players to get breast implants, which will cost you 11,500 bimbo dollars, but get you 2,000 bimbo attitudes, which is sooo worth it.

Now before any man haters get their panties in a bunch or call the game sexist, vile, and exploitative, just know that the male creators of the game say it’s “harmless fun.” In fact, according to the creators, the game is helpful eduction:

It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos. The missions and goals are morally sound and teach children about the real world…. The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them, just reflecting real life.