Scanner : video

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Has Twins

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Do You Like... Jumbo?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.

Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys...

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

My New Favorite Website: Sex Advice With All the Inaccuracies of Yahoo Questions

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

We Could Watch Gay Dudes Do Gay Dances For Hours

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 17:41:00 GMT

Especially when said dudes are in uniform and dancing like the computer baby. Unfortunately, we have to settle for three minutes and thirty-nine seconds. Enjoy.

(And don't get on our asses for assuming they're gay—which we do—the title of the video is Gay Korean Dance Video).

[Via Buzfeed]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Portia de Rossi Apologizes for Getting Gay Married

Video of the Day: Two Men and a Dance Track

Today in Fetishes: Early 90s Slang

Colleen Kane — Wed, 06 May 2009 22:02:00 GMT

Okay, for once an odd fetish, revealed in the following phone sex prank, isn't real: early '90s slang. But it's only not real in the specific case of this video, which was made with LOLs in mind. In all likelihood, a fetish for early '90s slang probably does exist. Wiggety wack!

Watch Phone Sex Pranks: Early 90s Slang on CollegeHumor

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

Dita Von Teese's Regrettable Tattoo Ideas

Word of the Day: Gerontosexuality

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Ever heard of gerontosexuality? Neither had we until Congressman Alcee Hastings went before the House yesterday to voice support for the Local Law Enforcement Hate Prevention Act of 2009. The bill would expand a federal law that includes protections for hate crimes. But, as us word nerds know, you can't write a bill about crimes and fetishes you don't have names for so Hastings was forced to do a little edumacatin'.

In addition to gerontosexuality, Congress had the pleasure of learning about Apotemnophilia, Coprophilia, frotteurism and Klismaphilia, among other things.

Gerontosexuality is the distinct preference for sexual relationships primarily or exclusively with an elderly partner, Apotemnophilia is the erotic interest in being or looking like an amputee, Coprophilia is the paraphilia involving sexual pleasure from feces, Klismaphilia (sometimes spelled Klysmaphilia) is a paraphilia involving enemas, and frotteurism is a specific paraphilia which involves the non-consensual rubbing against another person to achieve sexual arousal. (er, surprise dry humping?)

Here, maybe Hastings can explain it all a little better.

Or maybe not. A for effort, anyway.

Related:

Shocker! Old People Are Still Alive.

Larry Flynt is a Press-Seeking Liar or: I Can Write More than 300 Words at a Time

[Via The Inquisitr]

ShamWow-SlapChop Guy Will RapChop That Ass [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:07:00 GMT

We've never really understood why Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow/SlapChop guy needs that little headset—until now. He wears it so he can rap while he slaps (prostitutes) and wows.

If only all infomercials were this hilarious and culturally relevant... we'd probably have a lot more shit we don't need.

Related:

Mr. ShamWow and Hooker Exchange Slap Chops

5 Disturbing Products from Harriet Carter

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

No Matter How Uncool You Might Feel Sometimes, You'll Always Be Cooler Than These People

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The 12 Saddest World Record Attempts Ever Caught on Video

Here's today's funniest video, courtesy of Cracked. Is there anything finer than a Poor Man's Wil Wheaton sitting around a bad bluescreen and making cracks about burning old people alive?

Yes, there is: the morons that man lampoons.

Dog Humps Granny, We Laugh

Ina Maier — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

The headline says it all, really. Though we do have a sneaking suspicion that this video may have been staged. (The crawling around on all fours seems a bit excessive, no?)

...Whatevs, still funny.

Related:

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

Kanye's Got Too Much Booty In The Pants

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

The Dangers of the Snuggie

Colleen Kane — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Late Line Special Report - Snuggies: Warm, Comfortable, Deadly? - watch more funny videos

It was bound to happen: after nearly universal approval came Snuggie overload and Snuggie backlash. And now, a special report on the dangers of the Snuggie lifestyle, from Funny or Die.

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

Want to See What We Twat?

Julia Roberts Weasles Her Way Into Our Hearts With F*cking Awesome Speech

Ina Maier — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:57:00 GMT

We've always liked Julia Roberts. Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, EveryOtherMovieShe'sEverBeenIn -- she's America's sweetheart for a reason. But here's the thing: we never realized how awesome she was and how effing badly we wanted to be friends with her until today.

Last night, Lincoln Center was host to the Film Society's Gala Tribute to Tom Hanks and while Forrest Gump was certainly the honoree, it's Julia that's been making headlines today. Her speech began with what will sure become an infamous line: "All right, it’s late and I’m paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee, so ... everybody fucking likes you."

UPDATE: We have video!!

And that's not all. NY Mag has a full transcript of Julia's genius, but we've parsed some of our favorite lines for you here.

On Rita Wilson:

Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson], and her tits were here and her waist was here and her ass was all that.

On Hanks' movie The Terminal:

I love the Coen Brothers, but the hair, Tom — I don’t even know what the fuck that movie was about. You in the airport with the accent; it was a pass for me. Do you love airports, or were you dissing immigrant laws?

On her outfit:

God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist.

And lastly, apropos of nothing:

And also, Sally Field played my mom once!

[Correction! In the video below, it appears that the fact that Sally Field played Jules' mom and Sally Field also played Forrest's mom means they're, like, brother and sister! Yay! Still funny!]

Read the whole glorious thing here.

Or, just watch the shining star in action:

PS. People is reporting that according to Bruce Springsteen, he and Tom Hanks once measured "the size of [their] Oscars." The verdict? Tom's came out on top.

LOL Halftimez: Springsteen Nails Jersey's Jewels

While You Were Sleeping: Bruce Springsteen Endorsed Somebody, And it Wasn't McCain

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

Pregnant Women Are Smug

Ina Maier — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:10:00 GMT

And this dynamic duo (who go by the name of Garfunkel and Oates) should be too. They've managed to put into song what everyone else is thinking (and most likely too scared to say.)

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

10 More Ways to Get Pregnant

Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Woman Pulls Off Most Awesome Prank Ever: Sends Stripper To Impersonate Her At High School Reunion

Ina Maier — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:13:00 GMT

Did you hate high school? No, but did you really hate high school? Did you spend every minute of your afternoon classes dreaming of the day you'd be able to show up at your ten year reunion having Made Something Of Yourself so that you could show everyone else how Very Unimportant they were?

If the answer to any of those questions was yes, then you're going to be insanely jealous that you did not think of this prank yourself.

Andrea Wachner, SuperVegan, hater of third-person bios and erstwhile MediaBistro / Fishbowl LA contributor, felt the same way. She attended Palos Verdes, a bajillion person high school where every car in the parking lot was either a BMW or a Mercedes and where, as her high school friend Stefunny [sic] explains, it was possible to graduate not knowing the majority of your classmates. In other words: it was the perfect candidate for a ten year reunion prank that involves sending an impersonator (in the remarkably creative form of an exotic dancer named Cricket) in your stead to fuck with with all those people you spent 4 years of your life despising.

The rest, as they say, was history fodder for a 6:02 minute YouTube documentary.

And in case that wasn't awesome enough, ABC News or BoingBoing (we can't tell) reports that Wachmer currently "has a manager shopping her story as a reality show or feature film." We hate to admit it, but she kind of deserves it.

[via]

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

We're Over Facebook, And Here's Why

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

I Will Not Play April Fool's Jokes on You

CW11 The Only News Outlet To Fall For An April Fool's Prank

We're Over Facebook, And Here's Why

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:06:00 GMT

Related:

**Regarding The Facebook, It's Time for Plan B (Facebook the Sh*t Out of Facebook)**

When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

The Best of the April Fool's Day Sex News

12-Year-Old Girl Tells Your Uterus What's Up

How to Make A Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

Do any of our readers have kids that have asked them how they can put a baby in someone? (Wait, you people might have children-- that's frightening.)

If so, you can always show them this handy, cutesy, and mercifully short little video, after which your children will tell everyone they can get pregnant from a blow job.

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be.

Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Tina Fey Was On Sesame Street?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

It was over two years ago, but you think we'd remember something this good.

Luckily, Jezebel and Strollerderby broke out the video yesterday to remind us of it. The occasion? The Sesame Street DVD from that season will be out on Tuesday. Hopefully, this video will stay up on YouTube until then. (And, by the way, never let it be said that Tina Fey can't act. She manages to keep a straight face during all this nonsense.)

Related:

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Feist Is Very Well-Qualified to Teach Counting on Sesame Street

We're So Awful And Crappy...And Awful

Ina Maier — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 20:39:00 GMT

Presented without comment.

[via VideoGum]

It's Like Reefer Madness But With Dogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:58:00 GMT

If you drink as much as these characters do, you'll probably start imagining everyone around you is a canine, too.

Five bucks to the first person who figures out what the hell is going on here and where this came from. We'd love to believe somebody's Aunt Edna made this in her trailer with a Bolex camera and 26 of her long-suffering dogs.

(By the way, our favorite inappropriate grope in movie history occurs at about :30 in.)

Via here.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

LiLo's Looking for Love Again

Colleen Kane — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:14:00 GMT

Hey everybody, Lindsay Lohan got an acting job! She's in this spoof dating profile video for eHarmony made by FunnyOrDie. She does a good job of playing herself; she got that post-coke-party ragged voice down perfectly.

Just don't hate on the eHarmony...one of my bffs met her bf on there, and they justgotengagedonSunday! Squeal!

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Who Knew There Were So Many California Doctors Against Gay Marriage? [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 16:39:00 GMT

You know all of those anti-gay commercials featuring "real" people who are concerned for their children, their faiths, their professions, because the gays are about to infect everything and ruin the perfect lives they've created for themselves? It turns out they're not average people who happen to be super awkward in front of the camera—they're just really bad actors. And we have their audition clips.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

The Gay Marriage Debate Rages on in California

This Week In Gayness: We Say No To That Yes On Prop 8

Anti-Homo Kid is a Homo

Colleen Kane — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:48:00 GMT

I am so very grateful there was no such thing as the Internet when I was a kid. I held some pretty questionable opinions as a youth, such as "McDonald's is good" and "this jacket should be worn inside-out to show its plaid lining, so that it will match nicely with my different plaid pants." So I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have posted incriminating videos that would come back to haunt me not just in the future, but in the present.

Take this 12-year-old boy, who has posted numerous videos of himself on YouTube, one expressing his feelings against gay marriage in which he admits that he "used to be gay" but is now "very interested in girls." The wiseacres who inhabit the Internet have responded with a meme of calling him a homo, and it is decidedly not going over well with this poor young fellow.

First, his inarticulate video explaining why gay marriage is wrong.

And now, his reaction to the allegations.

Godspeed to that young man; he has a long journey ahead.

Related:

BREAKING: Gay Marriage Now Legal in... IOWA?!

Video: This Kid Needs to Work on His Pitch

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 18:50:00 GMT

Yep, this is about how we remember the pool of candidates in the dating world. Without further ado: "Lookin for a girlfriend."

Don't all knock each other over racing to respond to his offer.

Smiths Speed Dating Really Happened

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

So You Think You Can Dance Better Than A Third Grader?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

This is exactly what we needed to kick off the week: a seriously badass brother and sister improvisational dance team.

Hopefully, these kids will grow up, find this on YouTube, and realize maybe it's actually pretty cool that their parents captured this moment in time. One commenter muses: "As Jack Donaghy says, In five years we'll all either be working for him or be dead by his hand." We'll tweak that a bit: he's either the next Black Michael Jackson or a future Melendez brother.

Related:

This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Self-Proclaimed "Big Putz" Drops Engagement Ring Off of The Brooklyn Bridge [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Proposing to your girlfriend on the Brooklyn Bridge is romantic. As long as you're not Butterfingers.

Related:

From the Annals of "Sassy": Kurt Cobain Wore an Engagement Ring

Single Ladies (Put a Used Ring on It)

Sloppy Seconds: Star Jones' Split, Sienna Miller's Engagement and Heath Ledger's Will

[Image]

Purrrvert Kitty Kneads Breasts [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:36:00 GMT

We think this is safe for work.

Related:

Caught on Tape: Cats Masturbating

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

[Via Buzfeed]

Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Ashley Biden, the cute 27-year-old daughter of the Vice President is apparently this year's Kate Moss. Remember how someone secretly filmed the supermodel doing blow at Pete Doherty's recording session? The same thing happened to Ash, only it was at a party, she knew she was being filmed, and now the tape is about to fetch six figures...

If it's true. While we do believe a tape exists, so far no one's been able to prove the cokehead in the video is the First Daughter. Even the New York Post is unsure-- although, of course they milk the story for the little it's worth:

The woman appears to resemble Ashley Biden, 27, a social worker for a Delaware child-welfare agency...

[She] makes repeated references to the drugs, said the lawyers, who said they viewed the tape about 15 times.

"At one point she pretty much complains that the line isn't big enough," said the second lawyer, who declined to identify himself. "And she talks about her dad."

Biden has been an outspoken crusader against drugs, coining the term "drug czar" in 1982 while campaigning for a more forceful "war on drugs." [NY Post]

Whoever she is, she clearly has a drug problem. According to a variety of sources, the young woman on the tape uses a big red straw to snort up a boatload of coke before lashing out at people around her and telling them to "shut the fuck up." (It's also rumored that Biden's longtime boyfriend is pictured in the same frame as her, which would make the tape appear to be genuine.)

The douchebag who filmed all this tried initially to obtain $1.2 for the original, but has scaled back his greed to a mere $400,000. One report says two companies have offered well over six figures for the tape, but not the full 400 g's. Yet...

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

"Gossip Girl" Takes on Rolling Stone in Sweet, Sexy Photoshoot [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 22:16:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: They may have made us wait six weeks for a new episode, but now that they're back, they're everywhere—in n our TV screens and on our newstands...

Click through for video of the photoshoot and a look at the cover shot after the jump...

Read more...