Scanner : vagina

Transgender Marriage Struck Down By the Great State of Tennessee

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:08:00 GMT

In November 2007, a man and a woman walked into county clerk's office in Davidson County, Tennessee. Both had driver's licenses identifying them as "opposite marriage people"-- or, in logical land terms, a man and a woman. They were quickly married and promptly forgotten about by the state...

...until this past March, when a woman named Jo T. Rittenberry was arrested in a different county for assault and fraud. The police determined that she was actually a man and notified the state's marriage board, which this month invalidated the marriage from November 2007. In their announcement to the press, the state said that it doesn't matter if Rittenberry is male or female-- she was born a male, and thus this was a same sex-marriage, which is illegal...

While we strongly disagree with the judgment by the state-- there are more both-sex babies born in this world than people know and there's no valid reason to stop a gay marriage in the first place-- it couldn't have helped that Rittenberry, well... didn't really have sexual reassignment surgery, at least not successfully:

Rittenberry was born a man but identifies as a woman and claims to have had sex reassignment surgery. Although Rittenberry's Tennessee driver's license and Kentucky birth certificate say "female," both the Montgomery County Jail and the clinic where Rittenberry claims to have had surgery insist that Rittenberry is still biologically a man. [The clinic claims no operation was performed, according to the AP.]
"The marriage is real to me," Rittenberry said in a jail interview. "I could care less about the system. I just wanted me and Jeff to be together. He wanted to marry me and I said 'yes.'" [Leaf Chronicle]

Meanwhile, there's this story out of China:

Fu Shitou met Wei Jinhua through his sister-in-law and eventually the two got married. Recently, after three years of marriage, the couple had a doozer of a fight and Wei stormed out. Wei wandered the streets of Zhechuan in China until, by a series of unfortuate misadventures, she was picked up by police and strip searched! Hmm, that’s when the police discovered Wei was a he and not a she! Oh dear, I don’t know who broke the news to Fu but he was just as surprised as the police. Fu later confessed he had never had sex with his wife. OK, surely the fact that the toilet seat was never down…???? [Friggin' Loon]

Yes, if you're not going to ever consummate the relationship, you should at least peek at her when she's in the shower to find out for sure...

Seriously, though, we don't know what to make of either of these stories... more via the Nashville Post.

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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

One Final Request: 75-Year-Old Wants A Designer Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:57:00 GMT

Here's one of those stories The Sun probably pulled out of its ass one day at 4:55pm, the editors not even caring that it wasn't sourced:

A 75-year-old Russian woman has successfully undergone a vaginal operation to restore her genitals to a younger state. Yes-- "Nina M." has herself a state-of-the-art designer vag... and she plans on using it on you...

The randy Russian granny... said she wanted the trendy surgery to bag herself a young husband.
Dr Anna Uzunova said: “Usually such requests are from much younger women.
“But she wanted to have an active sex life despite her age so we agreed to do the operation and help her.”
Happy Nina was delighted with the results saying after the op: “I feel like a young woman again.”

As a young man currently between failed short term relationships, we ask Nina to please send an e-mail to scanner@nerve.com at her earliest convenience. No photograph required...

Via The Sun.

XXX Star Penny Flame Flames Out to Find Herself

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Long Live the New Flesh

Joss Stone Had An Ass Slip At Coachella

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:08:00 GMT

Joss Stone, the 22-year-old British soul singer, was added to the lineup of the Coachella just four days prior to her Saturday afternoon performance.

Perhaps she's now regretting not having had enough time to pick out an appropriate outfit for an outdoor peformance on an elevated stage...

This is why it's important to have security turn around once in a while and see what's going on onstage, if only for the performer's sake. As you can see, this is becoming a problem...

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They Grow Up So Fast

Colleen Kane — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:50:00 GMT

It's almost prom time, time for various high-schoolers to f up their post-high school lives in various ways.

And what better way for a young prom-going girl to say "YOO-HOO boys!" than with the following dress? It could have been designed by Georgia O'Keefe...

The catalog this appeared in has since pulled the photo once the bloggers took note.

Woman Has Stillborn Baby After Putting Drugs In Her Vagina

Eve Ensler Celebrates "Vagina Day" in New Orleans

Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

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Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

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"Why Does Steam Come Out of My Vagina?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

We were weighing another post about how eHow and Yahoo! Answers, among other hideous examples of free speech, are proving America is the dumbest and most unintentionally hilariously country in the United States, when this one question on our second least-favorite internet search engine became the web's top story of the day.

The "answers," while crude and downright offensive, are perhaps inevitable. It's all about setting up comedians for the punchline... if you do it well, you get a neat lil' joke. If you're asking for trouble, well... here's what you get:

Next time this happens, place a ceramic cup with 1 spoon of Nescafe Gold Blend, 2 sugars and a dash of milk between your legs.
Bon Apetite!

You won't die, but some ancient cultures believe in a pillow monster that lives in your vagina. This isnt acknowledged in modern medicine, however, the steam could be caused be the troll exhaling.

I think this means the pasta is done.

Unfortunately, your vagina is releasing harmful greenhouse gases that are contributing to global warming. I suggest that you capture the steam using a plastic bag or else you can cause a global catastrophe.

Does it smoke? Seriously, I have seen strippers perform this very trick. Perhaps after getting checked out, if there is nothing wrong, you might consider taking your act on the road.

As you might have guessed, every single one of these above comments were made by males (none of whom have avatars, let alone names or photos so we can shame them.) Unfortunately, though, the female responses were no better, ranging from the incoherent to "oh my God, better let a doctor take a look at you." It's called a gynecologist and they are available by appointment.

Now, the poor girl is talk, if not quite the toast-- of the internet, with inappropriate jokes made at her expense on everything from DListed to BuzzFeed. We'll pass-- these things just write themselves...

Via Yahoo!

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Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:19:00 GMT

The Britney Spears Concert Experience has always come off as a lame run-through of music that was immediately disposable, masked by "sexy" dancers and Kiss-inspired pyrotechnics. For all the "energy" Britney claims to have, it never translates publicly-- from lazy parenting to chewing gum with her mouth open and droning on about how great George Bush is, she can't seem to realize that people need to be impressed. That she isn't going to win over haters with her bad attitude and lack of enthusiasm for her own material should be obvious.

Those weaknesses are visible in this horrible concert performance from Tampa, Florida last night. At the end of "Slave 4 U" (lame, lame, lame), Brit appears to lose the bottom of her dress... according to the internet.

Starpulse and several other sources claim that at the end of this number (skip to the last ten seconds or so of the first clip), Britney's vagina popped out of her outfit... although we can't really see anything even when we blow the video up to fit the screen. UPDATE: Second clip doesn't confirm a slip, but does confirm what she said afterward:

[H]er leotard ripped, accidentally exposing her naked crotch to the audience.
The singer had just finished performing I'm A Slave 4 U and was being lowered beneath the stage when she revealed her costume blunder. Failing to realize her microphone as still on, she said, "My pussy was hanging out!" - causing the arena to erupt in laughter. But she refused to let the mishap hold up her set, with Spears completing her costume change and continuing on with the show. [Starpulse]

How do they know she wasn't talking to the audience? Just because she was being lowered down doesn't mean she thought her mic would be off. After all, this is Britney Spears we're talking about-- should we be surprised that she thought this revelation would be beneficial to the concert experience? Judging by her lackluster performance prior to the alleged slip, it shouldn't be any surprise that she doesn't really know what she's doing.

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eHow Shows Us That We've Been Doing It... Right

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:27:00 GMT

The preponderance of repetitive and redundant* websites dedicated to the art of telling other people how to do seemingly simple tasks has been disturbing us for some time.

But then someone pointed out eHow's section on having sex and we had to wonder, "Is eHow trying to get eight-year-olds laid?" Because that's about the only age group that could benefit from Captain Obvious's "How to..."

For example, take a look at the rundown for "How to Take Off her Clothes With Your Teeth." It's not: "1, Open mouth; 2, Bite down on clothes; 3, Pull," but close:

Assess the situation. Are the clothes too troublesome to take off with your teeth or are they just right for your "dental digits?" Buttons are usually difficult to remove unless you are really good at this.
Study the clothes she is wearing. Removing clothes with your teeth is very much the same as removing them with your hands, except that your hands are tied behind your back.

Develop a plan. She will find it cute that you are serious about completing your mission.

Take extra care. Tearing her clothing with your teeth is a major turn-off. If it is soft and delicate, then there is a chance that you might rip it.

Don't take too long. If she is truly turned on, then she will not really care that much how you finish taking her clothes off.

And that's one of the more "interesting" and "educational" entries. Here's our favorite: How to Have Sex With the Woman on Top:

1. Get naked with your partner and find a flat, comfortable surface--a nice, soft bed is preferable.
2. The man should lie on his back while the woman gets on her knees and straddles him. She should face the man to make it easy for kissing and caressing.
3. Slide the penis into the vagina. The woman can now move up and down, side to side, or however she wants. She controls the speed and depth of the intercourse.

Slide the penis into the vagina. How is this helpful at all? Why didn't they just say, "lower the naked vagina onto the naked penis, thrust," the end? Has anyone ever found one of these instructional websites to be useful in any capacity? And do they pay? Because, clearly, that would be an easy living.

*In the sense that since there are already so many of them, we don't need any more.

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

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Video of the Day: MAC-Hello Kitty Commercial

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:43:00 GMT

Other than for this very purpose (spreading it around the Interwebs) we're not sure why any company would put together a four minute and eleven second commercial. But if you are going to put together a four minute and eleven second commercial, this MAC Cosmetics + Hello Kitty ad is the way to do it.
At one point, a woman chases her little black pussy cat into a pink tube as the lyrics "come inside" are accompanied by trippy techno music. It just gets better after that. We would have like to watched this during the Super Bowl commercial breaks.

Related:

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via BoingBoing

Today in Nature Porn: The Vagina Cave

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 23:23:00 GMT

Normally, we don't link to the Fail Blog or even the creative ripoff-- wait for it, wait for it-- Total Fail Blog, a personal stance we arrived at after realizing there's no proof these images aren't doctored.

With this photo, we couldn't care less, because it's awesome.

Nature FAIL? Debatable... but vagina FAIL? Hey, you guys can do what you want, we're sticking around to buy this cougar a drink...

By the way, in trying to research the above photo (anyone have any idea where this lovely lady rock formation resides?), we discovered the other semi-famous vagina cave, an historical find which we will explore vigorously and report back on...

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What Exactly Do You Do With Your Hair Down There?

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:46:00 GMT

Brazillian, Bikini, Sphinx, Landing Strip. All wonderful options, all not quite right for the nefarious hair that grows down there in our sparkly bits. Until now.

In what appears to be a perfect confluence of events, (Scanner Emily already brought it up, and I happen to have a 6:15 appointment with my favorite waxing wonder Maya), Sadie over at Jezebel just made a fine argument for the new-to-us Swiss Miss. So, what exactly is it?

According to Sadie, its what happens when you take the "best of Brazilian technology and combine it with a more natural aesthetic." In other words, it's a sneaky Brazillian. It's all bush on the top and all bare on the bottom. And we can't help but get behind this movement. It's the answer to all our pussy prayers - a silky soft underside without all the pre-pubescent purity that a Landing Strip (or lack thereof) implies.

So, who's with us?

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

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Meet the Orgasm Coach

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 17:53:00 GMT

A friend of ours does "career coaching" work, a career choice that itself may be in danger due to all the cost-cutting in this economy.

If the old cliche is true that "sex sells," perhaps he could give his freelance gig a shot in the arm if he adds "orgasm coach" to his business card. After the jump: the woman in England who has that country screaming with pleasure...

Here are some highlights from the extensive website of Dr. Lisa Turner, Ph.D, orgasm coach, who asks

"Are you one of the 28% of women who rarely or never achieve orgasm? Don’t worry help is at hand (so to speak)."

She divulges an extensive background in sex therapy...

"Previously, I worked as a senior lecturer in Automotive Engineering..."

Turner wants you to live orgasmically:

Raise your energy and begin to harness your sexual energy. Build on the inner connection of your Self and merge it with your Soul, bring the soul and spirit into the body in a divine union.

Become a model of excellence and a charismatic leader who changes the world, people and how they think. Become a power to be reckoned with and unstoppable.

In other words, if you work with her, you can have mindblowing orgasms, like Adolf Hitler did! Okay, we're getting silly now... let's look at how her one-on-one coaching can improve that soul-crushing 28% figure:

Release past Trauma, painful emotions and limiting beliefs. Clear your energy channels ready for your orgasmic energy. Learn to raise and harness sexual orgasmic energy. We are constanly [sic] adding new home study products, e-courses, mp3 downloads and teleseminars so keep checking for updates...

So far, we haven't learned much about what the coaching might be like ("try harder, damn it!") but maybe we need to stop by the "For Men" section of the website for a clue. After all, it would help if men knew how to give orgasms, too:

Help your partner to achieve orgasm / Become a better lover / Overcome impotence or premature ejaculation / Increase the intensity and length of your orgasms / Become a multi-orgasmic man / Improve and revitalise your sex life

That "Multi-Orgasmic Man" sound kind of like a porno spoof of Iron Man or something... so perhaps we should look into this...

Via the Orgasm Coach.

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While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

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Pic via Drunken Stepfather

"It Smells Like Vagina in Here"

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 22:49:00 GMT

Because even fake sexual harassment videos are hilarious....

[Via Whip it Out]

Museum Erotica Might Be the Economy's Next Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:56:00 GMT

Copenhagen, Demark's Museum Erotica may be going out of business. Sources say that a public plea failed when the new investors pulled out at the last minute (no pun intended.)

A loss of this magnitude would be have worldwide consequences-- after all, where else are you going to see all this NSFW sex-related art?

According to the Copenhagen Post, the Museum may be put up for sale as early as today:

The City Council’s cultural committee has turned down a request to support the museum and the museum’s chief executive, Hanne Stensgaard, said the museum is facing the sale of its extensive collection.
The museum is home to more than 1,500 artifacts and pictures depicting erotica through the ages. [Copenhagen Post]

If that ends up happening, you know that private pervs will keep all these glorious art pieces to themselves, so enjoy them now, thanks to Flickr and other internet sources:

1) Statue from the museum; 2) Kama Sutra painting; 3) What's up with this figurine's penis?; 4) Yes, that is a vagina cam; 5) A sex doll or the new Pamela Anderson spread for Playboy?; 6) A Marilyn Monroe exhibit was featured recently at the museum.

Check out the museum's website-- hopefully, there will be news of a last-second savior any minute now...

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Having a Healthy Vagina Does Not Involve Exercise

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Sometimes on a slow news day like today, we pray to the Internet Gods for a new sex scandal while Googling random terms to see what sorts of trouble we can get ourselves into. Today's words: "how to" + "vagina."

The first hit came from the always-amusing and not-so-always accurate wikiHow. How to Have a Healthy Vagina (different from How to Have a Perfect Vagina) spilled the nine secrets to giving your vagina a long, vigorous life—including but not limited to changing those pesky tampons!

Keep yourself clean. A large cause of infections happen simply because sweat or oils built up until there was nothing for it to do except fester and form an infection. Never fun. So bathe and shower regularly, and try and keep "down there" as clean as possible, without using a douche. Douches clean too much-- they take away some of the bad bacteria, but then they also take away massive amounts of the good bacteria. Unfortunately, the bad bacteria builds itself up, and you're worse off than before. Douching can also lead to increased inflammation (vaginitis). A simple washcloth, with a small amount of mild unscented soap and water works fine, but do not wash inside. The vagina is constantly flushing itself. So allow it to work the way it was designed.
Use condoms! Condoms, while helping to protect you against pregnancy, also help keep your vagina clean. Having unprotected sex often can lead to vagina problems as well as the obvious pregnancy and STDs.
Wear cotton underwear. Cotton is very breathable, if you will, and allows the vagina to get air circulating around it. This helps to keep things from building up "down there", and also helps maintain good skin around the vagina area.
Take out your old tampons. Leaving a tampon in your vagina too long, more than six hours, is a very bad idea. It can cause a toxic syndrome (TSS), as well as some very disgusting build up. Use smaller size and change sooner. Changing out pads often is also a good idea-- leaving a pad on too long can cause serious irritation to the skin on and around the vagina like diaper rash! So keep the diaper rash at bay, and change your pad throughout the day.
Avoid sprays and scented soaps. Actually, try and avoid soaps "down there" as much as possible. They can get caught in the crevices of the vagina and fester. And you have an infection of the vagina in no time at all. Sprays and scented soaps, though, are more damaging, as they are designed to leave a bit behind-- the scent, and you don't want anything left on the skin of your vagina at all. Soaps and bubble baths can also worse vaginal dryness.
Visit your gynaecologist regularly. Only your doctor can accurately diagnose any problems you may be having. If you do suspect anything at all, call and make an appointment as soon as you can.
Rinse Well. While showering or taking a bath, rinse your vagina with lots of water, especially if you use soap.

What about exercise?! We're going to boot camp for our belly and should probably be doing the same for our vagina.

[wikiHow: How to Have a Healthy Vagina]

Related:

What to do With More Than One Clitoris

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Next in Virtual Sex: The Real Touch Porn Device

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:56:00 GMT

At the Adult Expo in Vegas earlier this month, everyone was talking about The RealTouch, basically a masturbation device for the virtual reality era, which, if we're not mistaken, was in 1992.

While this item is of questionable modern day relevance, we had to share it with you because of its revolutionary combination of internet porn, sleek design, and Sasha Grey... seriously.

Developed by a guy who used to work for NASA (or so he claims-- the space people aren't talking), the RealTouch is best described by its manufacturer. (Warning: Porny language and offensive, arguably derogatory comments about women.)

Simply connect the USB cable to your computer and in just moments you're synched up to the hot sex on the screen. Feel every flick of her tongue, every clinched muscle, and every tremble of her body as she comes. No other product captures the delicate nuances of the female body quite like RealTouch. Whether you prefer amazing blowjobs, fucking a tight ass, or a wet pussy, the revolutionary design of RealTouch lets you break all the rules without breaking any promises.

One blogger notes: "Cleaning seems a bit problematic (and questionably hygienic) as the unit cannot be submerged in water or placed in your dishwasher."

For all this gooey greatness (if this is your thing, that is-- for us, we'll stick to actual sex, thanks), you'll be paying $150. For that, they'll throw in Amy Fisher, Gianna Michaels, Jada Fire, Jenna Haze, and Sasha Grey, to name a few, all of whom appear in virtual reality-style porn point-of-view flicks that apparently come with the device. (This hasn't been made clear and the site doesn't yet allow for purchases.)

We'll also satsify your desires [says the girl in the introductory video] with a walk on the wild side: try trannies, midgets, or well-hung shemales!

Good luck and please do not let us know how it worked for you.

Via RealTouch.

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Graydon Carter Won't Say the M Word

Scanner Matt — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:35:00 GMT

On The Early Show this morning, Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter became cartoonishly tongue-tied (Porky Pig style) with the nonchalant mentioning of the words... MENSTRUAL CYCLE. He even had to ask if it was appropriate to actually say the phrase on network television, which means he thinks "menstrual cycle" is a dirty word. Watch...

Definition: The menstrual cycle is a recurring cycle of physiologic changes that occurs in reproductive-age females. Overt menstruation (where there is blood flow from the vagina) occurs primarily in humans and close evolutionary relatives such as chimpanzees.

Monkey menstrual cycles!!! Now that's just obscene! Right, Graydon?

The "dirty words" start at 1:37, but you may have to sit through 10 seconds of CBS bullshit before the interview begins.

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Tampon Ad Is Australia's Most-Complained About of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Idiots everywhere raved about it: "I think the beaver ad is fantastic! i couldn't stop laughing when i saw the ad -good on you guys!!!!!" "This was cheeky and effective. Well done!" "Congratulations! What a fantastic advertising campaign!" Uh, yeah... because people write to companies they hardly know and applaud their advertising department, suuure.

So, it should come as no surprise that Kimberly-Clark testimonials on behalf of their "Beaver" ad campaign are obvious fakes... and certainly not after you see the ad, rated as the year's #1 Most Complained About Commercial, which came close to being yanked in Australia:

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people complained because this ad was mind-numbingly obvious and an insult to our intelligence, instead of for offending Puritans with strict mores?

Via YouTube.

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Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

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[Image]

Italians Find Your G-Spot, Promptly Lose It Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:20:00 GMT

A group of Italian scientists have located the g-spot. We repeat: men have found the g-spot.

By the way, those lousy scientists claim that if you're one in four women, you don't have a g-spot for a guy to lose his mind attempting to locate...

According to their research, just published in New Science, the quacks claim only eight of the thirty women who participated in their study could be found, via ultrasound, to have a g-spot. All but one of those eight were able to have vaginal orgasms, if you count the two who were given assistance in finding their zone by the Eye-talians.

Interestingly,

Women capable of orgasm during penetrative sex have a thicker tissue area in the region between the vagina and the urethra – meaning it’s now easy to medically tell the difference between the lucky “cans” and the “can-nots”. [Live News.com.au]

Don't despair, "thin-tissued females," you can still give yourself vaginal orgasms... "through practice." Of course, the scientists couldn't be bothered to elaborate on what that means.

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How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:13:00 GMT

The Frisky and Divine Caroline posted a somewhat obnoxious story yesterday about the vagina. (It would've been much better without trying to be cutesy and likable.)

Never mind that-- although it did give us the idea to ask the ladies how they keep their hair down there... and if dudes on Scanner prefer it trimmed, hairy, or-- um-- waxed to the skin at all times. Ouch...

Here's a scenario for you to start with: We asked a ladyfriend if she wouldn't mind trimming a bit, mainly because of access and hair-in-mouth issues during oral sex. But considering we'd rather a woman had little hair there at all than a rain forest to rival the Amazon, we confess to having ulterior motives as well. It just looks hotter this way to us, sorry. (We're also strongly against hair on the legs and under the arms-- sorry again.) Are we totally out of line on this? On the asking and/or the secretly wanting almost no hair there at all?

Just so you know, we fully admit to this very airbrushed/Hollywood/male chauvinist mentality (or whatever you want to call it) about what we're turned on and off by when it comes to a woman's body hair. But try to find a woman that likes a hairy back and ass on a man...

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The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

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While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

A widely-publicized murder trial took a grimly hilarious tour when it was revealed the man in question had left a list in his FEMA trailer that detailed his plans for getting away with it. Best one: "Throw gun in river."

Eminem has released his first new song in ages.

Dr. Strangelove, like 1984, is becoming a reality: a single prank call almost started a war between India and Pakistan. Not funny, guys.

You wanna steal my husband? Well, says Shania Twain, I'm a-gonna steal yours...

A male babysitter was arrested for producing a sex tape involving a two-year-old girl.

We love myths, hoaxes and just plain idiocy: Strollerderby wants you to know that your vagina will not seal up if you don't use it for sex very often.

And Bettie Page, the now-85-year-old former pinup, had a heart attack over the weekend and is in critical condition, according to the New York Times.

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Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 17:27:00 GMT

When you think about it, it should have been obvious from the start that a push-button game involving a giant phallus would eventually morph into a push-button game involving a giant vag...

Of course, the folks at Ripten, which claims to have an exclusive first look at "Arctivision's" holiday blockbuster video game, are kidding around. But it makes us wonder why somebody hasn't come up with this already... it's obviously a tremendously commercial concept. Check out the highlights from the fake press release:

At first glance, Vagina Hero may seem overly complicated. Welcome to real life.
Arctivision reps claim that expert difficulty is pretty much impossible unless you invest in the Pro Bundle, which they explain as so:
“The Pro Bundle is essentially no different than the normal bundle, it just costs about $600 extra. We wanted to prepare our players for the inevitable truth that dudes with money are more successful with women, even if they aren’t any more skilled..."
Classy 70’s-style bow-chika-wow-wow starts playing, and you find your screen assaulted with colored button-press indicators called “E-Zones”. The E-Zones (or “EZ’s”) correspond to the same colored buttons on your Vagina Hero controller, dubbed “HodgePodge”. Why HodgePodge?

“Just look at it. What the fuck is that?"

The goal, ultimately, is to fill the climax meter. Successful combos and streaks fill it up faster, and unlike previous Hero games by that other totally unrelated publisher, there is no time frame. The sooner you’re done, the sooner you can move on to the next girl. You can also speed things up by initiating Vagina Hero’s version of Star Power, “The Shocker”, by jamming the yellow, orange, and blue buttons simultaneously.

Obviously, whoever wrote that is a virgin, and not even the "Well, I did finger this one girl at the eighth grade dance" virgins, either. Or maybe we're doing it all wrong. Either way, we'd love to try this out... if only someone would produce this title for real...

Via Ripten.

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No Legal Remedies for "Upskirting" and "Downblousing"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Technology definitely progresses faster than the law and the perves are taking advantage of the loop holes. Snapping a picture with a cell phone up a woman's skirt ("upskirting" ) or down her blouse ("downblousing") has become a world craze. Japan now requires cellphone cameras to come with a shutter sound to announce a picture is being taken.

Salon reports:

A keyword search for "upskirt" on the photo-sharing site Flickr turns up 36,368 hits. One user has taken 48 candid shots of women's stockinged rears walking up stairs in the Paris Metro subway station. The vast majority of these photos, however, are not upskirts at all, but close-ups of women's body parts taken in public places like the subway, parks and street corners. Some Flickr members specialize in these types of shots, many with a particular area of expertise: breasts, bums, nipple slips, whale tails (the top of a thong peeking over the waist of a woman's pants), camel toes, legs or feet. Amazingly, one user has amassed 1,455 photos of disembodied, hastily framed shots taken with a cellphone camera of various body parts -- feet, breasts, butt and legs -- that could belong to any woman, really.

This is creepy and unsettling stuff that has yet to be resolved by U. S. lawmakers.

The question of where to draw a line between artistic street photography and fetishistic candids that reduce a woman to her toe cleavage is like that ever-unreliable definition of pornography: I know it when I see it. John Morris, general counsel for the Center for Democracy & Technology, puts the reality simply: "If you don't want to be photographed walking the street, don't walk down the street -- it's a public street."

It's a tough issue to define while respecting art and first amendment rights, but seriously, they can't figure out a better way to defend the privacy of an individual than, "don't walk down the street... " What are we, in Saudi Arabia?

In the meantime, watch out for the new cellphone sex operators.

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