Scanner : twitter

Sloppy Seconds: Megan Fox Doesn't Need You To Take Her Seriously

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A man gave birth to his twin, Alien style. Sort of. [The Inquisitr]

Looks like Oprah is going to have a lot less shit on her show. Literally. Dr. Oz—her in-house medical professional who was all too excited to talk poo with Ms. Winfrey—is getting his own show. [Yahoo!]

When we were growing up we seriously thought that everyone in our hometown of Independence, MO was skinny and had bad teeth because they were poor. We know better now. But why is meth so prevalent in some regions and not in others? [FlavorWire]

Wanting to not appear so poor ourselves, at 17 we lied to get a credit card. That was the beginning of our own personal financial hell. This pre-paid Discover card might have done us some good... and probably still could. [Lifestyler]

Speaking of us being poor, don't forget you can buy our Missed Tee for a mere $13. We get 10% of every sale, plus what's not to love about dogs humping legs? [MissedTees]

In the mean time, we'll follow Suze Orman on Twitter. [Twitter]

"I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against," Megan Fox tells June's Esquire, "but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've ever learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard — but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [Us]

Related:

Megan Fox Strips to Underwear for Esquire, Fancy New Camera

Sloppy Seconds: We Can All Stop Worrying About Swine Flu Now

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

[Image]

This Cassie Ventura Whose Nude Pics Leaked Today is a Little Sassafrass

Colleen Kane — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Cassie Ventura's computer has been hacked, resulting in two topless photos of her getting leaked to the Internet. We don't keep up much with the models-turned R&B singers, but since we are obligated by law here on Scanner to show any celebrity nudes that leak to the public, we racked our brains to recall who she was.

Then we remembered this is that singer who lopped off half of her hair just to show her "I don't give a f*ck attitude," as she stated on her blog.

Then we saw her tweet about the leaked topless photos, and liked her attitude:

IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER... THATS REAL FOUL AND EVIL. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE.

To quote the late Phil Hartman on SNL: "That's...SASSY!"

In full acknowledgement that words are the least important thing to anyone looking at this post right now, we'll get to those photos already.

Carrie Prejean May Lose Her Crown, Keep Her Free Opposite Boobs

Crazy "Opposite Marriage" Lady Strikes Back

Images

My Twitter Friends Are Lies

Drew Grant — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:31:00 GMT

Recently, I've been waking up (at noon) with a slew of people following me on Twitter. Jesus, I'm so popular! Someone, deep within the ether of the Internet, has decided I am "cool" and should have many, many followers. Not quite as many as Ashton or Samantha Ronson, but let's just say that I'm hitting the triple digits these days. Of course, I should have realized something was fishy if I had taken the time to look at these own people's Twitter accounts, but this is the 21st century, and who has time for that anymore? Here's a screen shot of one the homepage one of my new admirers led me to.

Blurgh! What happened to her face?! Do all my Twitter friends have what appears to be a giant cloud of bees swarming their head at all times? Why wouldn't you try to cover yourself up to protect you....oh wait, I get it. Twitter is now being bombarded by really unprofessional spam porn.Well, we knew this day was coming. I just didn't know it would be so terrifying.

Men Are From Twitter, Women Are From Text

Drew Grant — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

The Washington Post, facing an undoubtedly rainy and slow news week, went ahead and dipped into their lame trend piece bucket again. Too bad, so sad. Now WaPo subscribers get to read four pages of antiquated gender reinforcements that men are like this, and women are like this, and isn't Carrie Bradshaw just the voice of our generation, ladies??

You see, women like to text their feelings, because that's how women use technology: to broadcast emotions. D'uh. Men, meanwhile, prefer Twitter because Ashton Kutcher uses it. No, seriously.

"He kept talking about Twitter." Fishkin rolls her eyes. "Ashton Kutcher. Twitter, Twitter, Twitter."

Can a texter love a Twitterer? Can star-crossed lovers overcome wire-crossed gadgets? Can these relationships be saved?

Yeah, that's just on page 1. I'm not going to subject you to the 10 lines of dialogue after this particular segment, as it turns out to be quotes from He's Just Not That Into You. Wait, yes I will...

Mary: He asked me out!

Nathan: He called?

Mary: Well . . .

Josh: He e-mailed!

Mary: Uh, no.

Nathan: What? He left his calling card with your lady in waiting?

Mary: He MySpaced me.

-- "He's Just Not That Into You"

I don't think I've ever been so happy to not have seen a movie in my entire life. Also, shout-out to Monica Hesse: Girl, I don't care how slow the news cycle is. Leave the faux-trend reports to Good Morning America and out of real publications.

Pink's Coming Out, or Not, So Please Await Further Notice Re: Getting the Party Started

Colleen Kane — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:01:00 GMT

While we have never known British tabloids such as News of the World and The Sun to demonstrate anything but the most responsible journalism [cough], Pink slammed their report that she's bisexual.

Pink supposedly told the former tab that she was bisexual, but it's not a big deal because "it's who I am." And although she's reunited now with ex-husband Carey Heart, she's quoted saying “I would also be just as happy with a new women."

“I’m not complicated, I sing about love in all its shapes, forms and colours."

Pink responded to the article, which her rep speculates was "entirely fabricated," via Twitter....

i just read that im bisexual. so 1991. good thing people write articles about me so i can get my facts str8. i mean straight. read on people.

She then added, in another tweet:

cant WAIT for the day when people stop talking about sexual preference or that a woman is a CEO and actually start making the world LIVEABLE

And just to clarify, she responded to Perez Hilton, when he asked her over Twitter:

100% FABRICATION.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Pink and Racer Hubby Split, Farting, Panda Porn, Frog From Hell and Drew Barrymore's Wise Words

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@PornStarTweet : What U Doing L8r?

Drew Grant — Fri, 01 May 2009 15:52:00 GMT

The inevitable has finally become evitable (?) as the microblog tool Twitter lends its services in helping some of the porn industry's macrotools get laid. While you may already know that Ron Jeremy and Alexis Texas engaged in tweets and twats, porn producers Naughty Tweet and Immoral Productions are hoping to take the 140+ character service to the neXXXt level by putting "social" back into "social networking."

So what does a porno based on a Tweet look like?

"We threw the first-ever 'PornStar TweetUp' with PornoDan at Blue Moon Nights last month -- while there someone asked me if people actually were having sex on Twitter -- I responded, ‘That's a lot of pressure in 140 characters.' That led to a spirited conversation about what that would look like and, well, here we are going into production," said Pete Housley, Naughty Tweet CEO. "The movie will be a bit tongue-in-cheek, but we have the award-winning Jim Powers involved so you know it's just gonna kick ass -- but it will stay true to the spirit of the Twitterati and we will only use talent who are active on Twitter and PornStarTweet."

Still, we're a bit muddled here about how a Twitter theme can make for a sexy porno. Are the talent just going to breaking out their Blackberries and iPhones every couple minutes to update viewers on what's going on? "Kelly Divine @Justin Long No shit, your name doesn't do you justice, lol! Queef!" Blurgh. This will be worse than that time Aziz Ansari decided to live-tweet Crank 2.

Related:

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

Twitter Gets Hacked, Or: Exactly How Large Is Britney's Vagina?

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

Bust Out the Doc Martens and Flowy Skirts: The Lilith Fair is Back

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 14:21:00 GMT

Go ahead, pretend you didn't spend the better part of the nineties singing Sarah McLachlan songs in the shower, but we know better. And if you were as young and poor and uncool as we were, you may have spent the last ten years of your life regretting the fact that you never made it to the Lilith Fair to catch McLachlan, Missy Eliot, Bonnie Rait, Erykah "On and On" Badu, Lisa "You Say I Only Hear What I Want To" Loeb, Paula "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" Cole, Meredith "Bitch" Brooks*, Meshell Ndegeocello, The Cowboy Junkies, and so many, many more amazing female performers. But, after a ten-year hiatus, the Lilith Fair is back. Well, it will be back. In 2010. Terry McBride, chief executive of Nettwerk Music Group made the announcement via Twitter over the weekend. And that's the good news.

The bad news?

So far, Billboard reports, Nettwerk has only planned a two-week tour in the U.K./Europe. (Scanner Colleen, I see an across-the-pond girl date/camping trip in our future.)

Lilithfair.com (which we assume is official) confirms the festival's return, but a basic splash page links only to its Wikipedia entry.

*Speaking of Meredith "Bitch Brooks, we recently heard that song on the radio and couldn't believe how fucking good and ::sigh:: relevant it is, still.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

[Via AfterEllen]

[Image]

Spam Wow

Colleen Kane — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 17:52:00 GMT

All we can say about the Twitter account Spam Fortune is: it's about time. Spam subject lines have been hilarious for years, and have been bandied about in blogs or maybe even real world conversation, among the more adventurous folks who go outside.

But until now, there was no regular showcase for their zenlike absurdities. In a stroke of inspiration, someone (we know not who) created the Twitter account Spam Fortune.

It's still a new account, but here are some of the Scanner-worthy spam tweets:

Your manhood will fly like a white dove - independent and free!

6:51 AM Apr 22nd from mobile web

Your male member is in fetters? Set him free
11:05 AM Apr 21st from web

To the stars your manhood flies when you are happy with your size.
11:41 AM Apr 17th from web

And when feeling discouraged, don't forget:

If your whole life is shit, at least you can have a decent watch
10:20 AM Apr 17th from web

Related:

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into [Redacted]'s House And Twitter Account

Ashton vs CNN: It is Broughten

Colleen Kane — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:42:00 GMT

We at Scanner make no claims of being mature. But Ashton Kutcher makes us feel downright dignified by comparison, what with Punk'd, the throwing of bottles at construction workers near his house who woke baby up, and the general impression that he is one with the character he played on That '70s Show. His latest folly is challenging CNNs' breaking news account to a Twitter popularity contest.

So now it's a race to 1 million followers, and what Ashton plans to do if he wins is straight out of your preteen Mischief Night.

If Ashton wins, he plans to "ding dong ditch" Ted Turner's house. He will also reward his millionth follower with a copy of Guitar Hero ~~and give him a noogie and a purple nurple, then a wet willie, followed by an atomic wedgie~~.

Larry King has accepted the challenge. No Twitter account has yet broken 1 million, but CNN is the closest with 960,000, and Ashton has over 950,000. CNN anticipates breaking a mill by Friday, so keep a close watch on this vital breaking news.

Related:

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

And Now, the Continuing Drama of Ashton & Demi's Neighbor's Construction

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Twitter Has a Famous New "Member"

Colleen Kane — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Ron Jeremy's cock is Tweeting!

Here's what you can expect if you follow RonsMonster on Twitter:

Ron is still sleeping but I've been up for hours. He must be dreaming about buffets again.

about 6 hours ago from web

Last night I dreamed that Ebert reviewed my life. He gave it a thumbs down. Then I was on my deathbed, and no one came to see me.

about 16 hours ago from web

Oh, Hedgehog. You so crazy.

His "classically trained" penis is also blogging.

Great, another dick has a blog, har de har.

Related:

Ron Jeremy On Sex, His Grandma, and Why Porn Was Better in the 80s

Ron Jeremy and Vivid Video Are Out to Destroy YouPorn

Lloyd Kaufman's Poultrygeist Opens Friday

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into [Redacted]'s House And Twitter Account

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:46:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: So much stalking happening recently. This one, while extremely modern because of the Twitter angle, is also extremely scary, considering what this guy claimed to have done with [redacted]. According to Radar Online, this tweet was sent from [redacted]'s account:

Read more...

Amazon Rank Fail

Colleen Kane — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:17:00 GMT

My journalism professor used to say, "never get into a battle with someone who buys their ink by the barrel." He was referring to newspapers, but the same could be said in the firestorm of writers (and readers) versus Amazon.com, which arose over the weekend.

Many writers, editors, and publishers of erotica as well as GLBT and sex-related books, including Scanner's friend Rachel Kramer Bussel, noticed that the Amazon sales rankings of books they had written, edited, or published had disappeared as part of their new adult policy. Hundreds of titles had been affected.

When books are deranked, they no longer come up near the beginning of search results, even if they're a popular-selling title or a classic like Lady Chatterly's Lover, and hence, they are hidden from potential buyers. It appears that the books have been selected for deranking due to their sexual content, or in the case of gay titles, simply due to the tag "gay," whether or not sexual content appeared in the books themselves.

Word quickly spread via Twitter with the tag # amazonfail, and throughout Amazon online superstore itself with the tag amazonfail, which users added onto the listings for books that had been de-ranked.

Amazon's response to those who have emailed to complain is an additional fail.

Amazon is now denying having a new adult policy (though one blogger documents it here), and claims all the books that just happen to have "sex" or "gay" as tags were deranked due to "a glitch" in their system.

No one is having that explanation, and The Guardian's story on Amazon rank fail-gate noted inconsistencies like this that go to prove the claims:

The 2003 paperback edition of Fry's autobiography Moab Is My Washpot, which Amazon tags as "gay", is unranked, whereas the original hardback , filed under "memoir", has a ranking.
The New Joy of Sex, an updated version of the 70s classic, which is filed under the subject "sex/sexuality", has lost its ranking, while the original edition (subject "love/sex/marriage"), from 1974, is ranked. DH Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover, meanwhile, is now unranked.

As of this morning, some titles have been relisted, but many have not. If you're as pissed about this as we are, sign this petition and register your disapproval on the internet however you usually do so. More coverage here.

Related:

Amazon's "Girl Scout Cookies"

Amazon Giving Away Lots of Great mp3's

Rape Simulation Game: Wheee!

From Scanner HQ

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:41:00 GMT

Just a few friendly reminders from the Scanner business office:

1. Yesterday Colleen and I (Scanner Emily) were named among the Sexy Twitterati. Are you following us yet? @scanneremily and @colleenkane.

2. Will you be Nerve's friend—er fan—on Facebook! Pretty please? With a cherry on top? Just think how cool you'll look to all your other friends.

3. I'm still in the lead to win $200 for my dog-humping-leg missed connection, but to lock it in I could really, really use your 10 stars. It's just two clicks (one to get there and one to vote) and you have no idea how much $200 is to a blogger (like $2,000 to a normal person with a real job).

4. And just in case you've forgotten, you can now reach Scanner directly by typing dailyscanner.com into your address bar.

That is all. Happy Friday.

Sloppy Seconds: In Which We Consider Michael Chabon's Sexuality, Again

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

Do you have what it takes to put together lists of the hottest women in the world (eyes, the ability to count to 100 with or without the help of a computer)? Then you might be in the running toward becoming FHM's next top editor-in-chief. They're looking. [Brand Republic]

Levi Johnston: proof that even if you're a teenage father you can still dream big. Johnston's dream? Becoming a model or actor, of course. [Gawker]

Howard Stern is now Twittering. Well, really it's the Howard Stern Show, which probably means there's a ghost Twitterer. And he is following no one. Jerk. [Twitter]

Half of the female contestants on Bravo's new show "Top Chef Masters" are "chefbians." Er, um, chefs who also happen to be lesbians. [AfterEllen]

What's Prince up to these days? Oh, just singing about Salma Hayek's curves. [Us]

How in the hell did we miss Gay Clay Aiken on America's Next Top Model? [People]

Having read the majority of Michael Chabon's published work, we always questioned his sexuality. We were not the only ones. And apparently we missed that thing he wrote about the time he slept with a man. [Queerty]

[Image]

It Was 15 Years Ago Today

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:01:00 GMT

Kurt Cobain's body was found in Seattle a decade and a half ago today.

Unfortunately, every time I think of the shock of hearing that news via my college radio station, I recall how awful the radio announcer was. She was a fellow DJ with aspirations to make it as a radio personality, but she lacked anything resembling a personality, and even used a fake last radio name "Winters" instead of her more ethnic-sounding name. So when she announced this news, it was in her constantly smiling radio voice, plus she didn't really like music so she didn't care.

Anyway! One media personality who was appropriately somber about the loss back in April 1994 was Kurt Loder, who covered the developing story as MTV's 9-11, which it kind of was. A recycled eulogy for Cobain (from the 10-year anniversary) by Loder is up on MTV.com.

And meanwhile, The Courtney Love Show continues lumbering and sputtering along to its own cacophonic tune.

Courtney is preparing a lawsuit to reclaim $30 million in cash looted from the estate of Kurt Cobain. An additonal $500 million was scammed in real-estate investment ventures, says an article on E! Online. "There are now Kurts and Courtneys and Franceses spelled different ways that allegedly own properties all over the country that were bought by Kurt's assets," said Courtney's attorney. What this means, and who Courtney is suing have not yet been specified.

But she berated anyone who didn't understand the ins and outs of the coming lawsuit in her MySpace blog. An excerpt:

do you UNDERSTAND?
DO YOU UNDERFUCKINGSTAND?

to show you much else would make you start singing i dont know,....Metallica? am i speaking to BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD?
HAVE YOU EVER READ A BOOK?

ONE?

You're also welcome to try to make head or tail of her Tweets. Courtney tweeted more than 50 times yesterday, and not one of the messages makes sense.

Related:

From the Annals of "Sassy": Kurt Cobain Wore an Engagement Ring

C-Love in HEEB's Wasted Issue

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

[Image, Image]

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

Colleen Kane — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:42:00 GMT

Don't you get tired typing tedious 140 character messages on Twitter? Now there's Flutter, consisting of 26-character "flaps." Twitter is the leader in microblogging, but Flutter is the leader in nanoblogging. Flutter takes it to the next level: Your iPhone app of Flutter will automatically update your Flutter: "Kim get coffee." "Kim in bathroom." And that's not all they have in store...for one thing, Flutter Eyes. Learn more in this brief mockumentary on Slate V.

Related:

Diddy Tweets His Tantric Sex Sesh

#notatsxsw

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Fake Boobs, Fake ID

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The continued success of National Public Radio proves that there are at least a handful of people out there still interested in brain stimulation.

Margaret Cho on Margaret Cho and her Cho Show.

Condoleeza Rice started to climb out of her shell on Leno, discussing Led Zeppelin and Obama...

The worst story of the month: a man claims his mother died when a police officer stalled the man's hospital trip to write a ticket.

Thanks to Behrooz for reminding us about the woman who used a fake ID to pay for fake boobs. Not much can be said about that.

Is this the best Mike Huckabee quote ever? "When it abolished slavery, the U.S. debated and decided it was immoral for one person to have complete, life-or-death power over another." Obviously, Huckabee is against the death penalty... right?

A Congressional candidate announced via Twitter.

We understand why it's on the market, but we're still uncomfortable with it.

Jennifer Hudson will have her revenge on American Idol.

And there's no story to go with the above photo. We just assumed you would appreciate it.

While You Were Sleeping: Carrie Underwood's Dress Was Too Short

Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

#notatsxsw

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:40:00 GMT

We understand that not everyone is at South by Southwest, and also that everyone who isn't at South by is probably getting pretty sick of hearing about it. Twitter (which everyone is also probably pretty sick of hearing about) has a tag for you!

Any Tweets from non-Austin origins can be tagged with #notatsxsw. And what began as a meme over the past few days has already turned into a website for everyone to gather, share, and plan their non- SXSW activities and parties.

Bitter? Yes, some of the #notatsxsw taggers are. Check this tweet:

A round trip ticket from PDX to Austin has roughly same carbon footprint as upgrading from a Jetta to a Hummer for 5 months. #notatsxsw

But for some, who are planning parties via their #notatsxsw tags, it's making lemonade from lemons.

This has been a public service announcement from Scanner. We now return to #sxsw.

Related:

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Top 10 Bands That Twitter

Sloppy Seconds: Yet Another Lesbian Teacher Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

We thought Sunshine Cleaning might be good until we read this round up. Verdict: it's a rental.

Hundreds of thousands of people were willing to overlook the fact that they were financing the lifestyle of a child molester: all 50 or so Michael Jackson concerts are sold out.

This idiot juror may have cost someone a verdict of $12.6 million by Tweeting instead of paying attention to the trial.

Another teacher busted for having a lesbian relationship with a student. These educators will never learn.

The Heathers musical: good or bad idea, in theory?

What do you do if your mom catches you jerking off? The answer probably isn't punch her in the face and get arrested.

Here's one we haven't heard before: in Russia, a baby was born with two penises. That kid with the penis on his back has a new friend!

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Found on the Road: Four-Flavored Condom?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

I've been pretty much living in Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the past 36 or so hours. After waiting eleven hours in an airport yesterday, I rode a Greyhound for four hours to quite possibly also spend today in another airport. Anyway, one great thing about a bus ride? Truck stops! I love shopping at truck stops. And yesterday, while squatting over a disgusting toilet, I looked up to find the condom machine. Four flavored condoms for 75-cents? What a deal! I knew it was finally time to pop my condom-machine cherry. Unfortunately, it turns out it wasn't such a good deal after all.

Either it is one four-flavored condom (WTF?) or, more likely, it is one of four flavors. Will it be banana? Chocolate? Strawberry? Or mint (marijuana??)?

Only you can tell. FInish this sentence:

If I had a ____-flavored condom I'd ______________________ Fox News.

and send it to scanner@nerve.com. The best answer will be posted here and the winner will receive this mystery condom via the USPS. The Springfield, MO airport may not have fresh coffee or hot food but it has to have a post office. Right?

More goodies from my travels coming next week.

(For the very interested among you, I'm Tiwttering my misadventures. The less sleep I get—I'm working on four hours in three days—the better my Twats, it seems.)

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Diddy Tweets His Tantric Sex Sesh

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Diddy wants all of his 127,000-plus Twitter followers to know when he's attempting 36 hours of tantric sex.

He didn't quite reach his ultimate goal, but here are his tweets from that session.

Having tantric sex!!!! I feel so much better.!!! Thank you 8:29 AM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
1 hour down 35 more to go. Focus sean focus!!! 9:51 AM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
3 hrs down 33 more to go. Let's go people!! Do u believe???? 12:48 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
6 hrs down 30 more hrs to go. Some cramping in rt leg but ill be ok!!!!! Can't stop. Won't stop. Lol 3:45 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
How do I send yall some picts. Lol Jk. 3:46 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
For all those just tuning in. I'm 6 and half hrs in on a 36 hour tantric sex session. Welcome 3:59 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
I gotta stop. I'm tired and sore!!!! Ill try again tomorrow Go back to work people 6:54 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry

Wow, that's so romantic. If he was tweeting, he must have been making appointments and checking his email, too. Sex-ay!

If you want to be kept in the loop, his handle is iamdiddy.

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Via Vulture

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:51:00 GMT

The sheriff's department in Chicago's Cook County is suing Cralgslist, claiming the site is the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Um, yeah? [SunTimes]

Dare we pick up Jonathan Littell's 1,000-page Nazi-centered novel "The Kindly Ones" which "manages to be a near-masterpiece of historical fiction and at the same time a bloated, overlong masturbatory fantasia of sex and violence?" We just might. [Yahoo!]

Even Facebook is Twittering now. Sort of. [InformationWeek]

Prosecutors have charged Chris Brown with beating his girlfriend, Rihanna. He could get almost five years in jail if convicted of the two felonies. [Defamer]

Apparently Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman couldn't even keep track of her children when she only had six, as evidenced by the audio of this October 9-1-1 call in which she can be heard screaming "Where's my son?" Sounds a lot like Angelina Jolie in Changeling, no? Except Angelina didn't say over and over again that she was going to kill herself. [Radar]

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Taste The Rainbow, Just Wash Your Hands First

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 18:54:00 GMT

As we mentioned in Sloppy Seconds Monday, in an effort to "embrace social media" Skittles relaunched their website as a Twitter feed—meaning every Tweet that mentions Skittles appears on their homepage. Obviously, this was either incredibly idiotic or an act of genius on the part of the Skittles marketing team, because no one is monitoring the feed, one only has to fill out an age waiver before entering the site. Scarmouch from Yes But No But Yes happened to log on to the Skittles homepage just in time to get the best screen shot/Tweet ever.

The picture juxtaposed with the Tweet is priceless.

In keeping with this theme, we will totally give a bearded man a handful of Skittles to dry hump us. (Dare we Tweet it?)

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Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:11:00 GMT

We usually wait until we have a mid-week lull to watch Flight of the Conchords (On Demand, baby!) but we're going to watch it as soon as we're done writing this post just so we can see the "Garfunkeling" in better quality. Also, why is it that Jemaine is the only one ever getting laid? [Jezebel]

A woman who was pulled over for breast-feeding her baby while driving gave a TV interview about it while breast-feeding her baby. She said the baby wasn't willing to wait for the milk at that time (when she was driving, and apparently also when she was giving the interview). Um, okay. [WLFI]

Umm... Skittles are now Twittering. Taste the rainbow? (Is this how Twitter is going to make money?) [TechnologyExpert]

Jennifer Aniston is still talking about her divorce from Brad Pitt. But to be fair, if we were her, we probably would be, too. [Jossip]

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's friends are now on Lilo death watch. [FadedYouth]

Recently-out Wanda Sykes has teamed up with a California non-profit to educate the public on equal marriage. [AfterEllen]

Facebook is Turning Us Into Big Selfish Babies, or Something

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:04:00 GMT

I had a modern moment of being shocked by an overshare today on Facebook, in one of those "Even More Things About Me" lists, when someone I knew from school years ago briefly described a personal tragedy that should not (in my opinion) have been so casually dropped in a list viewable by everyone she knows. Is it possible to quit the Facebook, or is that not allowed?

Which brings us to the Facebook/ Twitter/ general social media news item of the day. A neuroscientist for Oxford is urging the government to think of the children when regulating the Internet, The Guardian reported. She told the House of Lords that growing up with social media sites could lead to adults with "a much more marked preference for the here-and-now, where the immediacy of an experience trumps any regard for the consequences."

Social network friendships "are devoid of cohesive narrative and long-term significance. As a consequence, the mid-21st century mind might almost be infantilized, characterised by short attention spans, sensationalism, inability to empathise and a shaky sense of identity".

Also, as children read less novels in favor of the immediate thrills of video games, she sees a loss of empathy. She also speculates whether the changeover to all-technology, all the time is related to the simultaneous increase in cases of ADD.

The article is a fascinating read, not to be summed up in a few tweets.

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