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While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Levi Johnston

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The IMF says we'll have to stick it out one more year before an economic recovery.

Japanese boy bands are all growing up and getting naked and drunk and arrested.

The third Twilight film will be directed by a man. Man, woman, Werner Herzog-- no matter what gender is at the helm, it's still going to blow.

Mel Gibson's alleged mistress is keeping a sex diary comparing all the different men she's slept with.

Rick Ross claims rapper 50 Cent is finished. Woo hoo! Can we finish off the rest of these no-talent top 40 artists along with him?

Levi Johnston has gone from being the #1 puppet in the Palin VP campaign to the biggest threat to her 2012 chances.

The new American family: Dad robs people, Mom drives the getaway minivan, and the kids play inside the car.

This sounds like one kickass documentary.

"Dog" the Bounty Hunter was nearly killed in Colorado after a suspect shot at him during an attempted arrest.

And Lindsay Lohan is dating dudes again-- this time, Brits are on her hit list.

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

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"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

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Twilight's Deleted Sex Scene

Colleen Kane — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:17:00 GMT

Whether you're into the Twilights or you're not, this new video from College Humor is a funny commentary on the virginity movement. Also the boy in it is cute.

Watch Deleted "Twilight" Sex Scene on CollegeHumor

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While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

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Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Vampires are all the rage these days. With the popularity of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, HBO's True Blood and the Sweedish vampire movie Let the Right One In, kids everywhere are appropriating vampire culture. No big deal, right? Well, it's no big deal unless you're a real vampire. And in that case, this fake vampire business is some bullshit.

Peter Rugg, from Kansas City's alt weekly, The Pitch, sat down with a few Midwestern vampires and learned that people who consider themselves real vampires actually drink blood (O negative "tastes like a dessert wine!"), that the consumption of blood is better when it's an erotic experience, and that these kids in their Hot Topic trench coats R DOIN IT RONG.

"A lot of people think they're vampires now," Sylvere says.

"I will say, though, reading those books True Blood is based on, they did their research," Lisa allows. "They even got the flavors of the blood types right."

"There are flavors?" I ask.

Lisa begins. "They got it right that the best one is ... "

"O negative!" they yell out in unison.

"Why is that good?"

"It's hard to describe," Lisa says. "It's sweet. It's like a dessert wine."

"How about AB positive?" I ask, curious if my own blood type — I'm the universal recipient — is any good. Lisa's smile freezes, and she rolls her head from side to side as if searching for a polite way to tell me that I'm unpalatable.

Sylvere scoffs. "Tastes great, less filling."

Most also describe the process in erotic terms. "It doesn't have to be sexual," Sylvere explains. "But it helps if it is, because then you're producing a lot more energy." Sylvere's needs are met more simply. She says she sups bits of energy here and there. For a truly satisfying feed, she requires that they be creative people willing to let her hover above them awhile. Writers and artists are good. Musicians are best....

Though they call themselves vampires, not all drink blood. They tell me that there are different classifications of people who genuinely believe they need more than food. The most common are psi-vampires, such as Sylvere, who say they drink in the energy from surrounding people and willing donors. Then there are the real blood drinkers, called sanguinarians. As they explain blood classifications to me, I wonder if their way of life would sound more acceptable if they presented it as a fetish rather than a health issue.

And just as there are people who are convinced they are vampires, there are people who are convinced, that they, like Buffy, are vampire slayers. This obviously creates some tension in the online vampire communities. While they use online threats in lieu of garlic and kung-fu, according to one Kansas City vampire, "Those people have problems. I don't even want to deal with that."

As for all those kids in their trench coats and plastic fangs? Lisa, a 21-year-old vampire is worried about them:

"I worry about them. They all have this romantic notion of what it's like. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't give it up for the world — it's who I am — but it's not all candlelit graveyard dances. If I don't feed, it doesn't kill me, but I feel constantly fatigued. Several times, I've slept for 12 hours without feeling rested. Not all of us are as nice as I am, and I worry that others could be taken advantage of — if not by one of our less reputable members, by a more human kind of predator using the persona to his advantage. Even excluding that, the number of blood-borne diseases is staggering. Would they think of having donors provide medical proof of health? Would they sanitize their knives? Would they remember that blood is precious? I don't know."

While we still don't crave anything beyond a bloody Mary, we are now more inclined to finally bust out the first season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer that a friend gave us. We know, we know. That's totally DOIN IT RONG.

[The Pitch: True True Blood]

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Colorado Kids Want to Write About Sex and No One Can Stop Them

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Because of a much-discussed state law, administrative advisers for Colorado's school newspapers are only allowed to offer suggestions and guide staffers along, while the kids make the final decisions.

This may be why the state's Arapahoe High School was able to publish an edition of their paper devoted to teen relationships, i.e. promiscuous sex...

According a local NBC news affiliate, the most recent issue of the Arapahoe Herald was devoted to the subject:

"Player spills inside details," features the sexual escapades of a male student.

"I constantly [get sex] even though I have a girlfriend," said the boy who assumed the fictitious name of Trey Costanda. He is also quoted saying, "The easiest way to get girls is to get them drunk, but that's not right."

"First of all, why would you print that in the school newspaper?" 18-year-old senior Jeff Malaterre asked. "Parents could get upset at the school for publishing something like that."

The other controversial profile in the article featured the story of an openly promiscuous girl, who assumed the fictitious name of Marie Cullen.

"You have to give boys what they want," she said in the article, "My main weapons are my [breasts]."

Cullen also talks about having eight sexual partners and details her first sexual experience.

Cullen... Cullen? From where could this young lady have lifted her moniker? Hmmm...

Seriously, could it be that the abstinence theme of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books has, like all abstinence "programs" and general grandstanding, backfired and turned teens into irresponsible sexual, well, vampires?

Via 9News.

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While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

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Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 23:24:00 GMT

Those creepy "not" Sasha and Malia Obama dolls named Sasha and Malia have been given new names. [Snafued]

Steven King slammed Twilight writer Stephanie Meyer saying she had no talent for writing. [Yahoo!]

What do Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi argue about? Half-empty glasses. Or half-full glasses, depending on how you look at it. [Us]

Jennifer Hudson's Super Bowl rendition of the national anthem is now for sale on iTunes. [MTV]

Amy Winehouse seems to be enjoying herself lately, vacationing in St. Luica. She's even set to headline Coachella in April if she can keep her shit together until then. [People]

While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:06:00 GMT

Catherine Hardwicke, who ruined it for female directors everywhere by having the biggest opening with the worst movie, will not be invited back for the followup to Twilight.

Jay Leno is sticking around late night after all. He'll host a show in the 10pm slot instead.

For $12,000, you could've had a boatload of fun with Anne Hathaway...

...the day after the Cracked X-mas Fundraiser where the actress auctioned off a drinking date with herself and a few of your close friends, we know that's as good a pick up line as any:
"I'm not usually very forward, but I thought if there was ever a crowd for me to do something like this, this is my crowd so I would like to auction myself off," Hathaway announced, "for drinks somewhere fabulous and basically get you totally s—- faced." Hathaway, 26, was embarrassed when her price kept going up... "Wow, I feel really good right now."

Keanu Reeves will make a brilliant, original, and totally not laughable samurai movie next.

Robin Williams on Sarah Palin. We won't spoil the joke.

A 70-year-old woman in India gave birth after fifty years of trying to have children. This is sure to be the plot of Sex and the City Part XVII.

Emma Watson waited a full eight months of being legal before announcing she's interested in doing a nude scene. Fortunately for you pervs, she wants to do one for Bernado Bertolucci.

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While You Were Sleeping: Full House Coming Back to TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The dumbest (tabloid) question of the day: "Does a woman's short haircut mean she isn't interested in sex?"

Hitler was "the perfect boss," according to his maid. We'll, uh, refrain from wishing he was still of this world, thank you very much.

Keanu Reeves' agent must have a mortgage to pay off or something if he's actually considering this...

Movie executives at 20th Century Fox are reaching out to Keanu Reeves to reprise his Jack Traven character for a third Speed film, according to Internet reports.

That shy-weird-studly actor from Twilight is starring in a new movie with Matthew McNulty about the possibly nonfictional love affair between Salvador Dali and Federico Garcia Lorca. IMDB says it is "Rated R for sexual content, language and a brief disturbing image." Let us guess-- Robert Pattison's dong?

The worst show in television history (tied with about a hundred other sitcoms and America's Funniest Home Videos, of course) may make a return, thanks to its star, John Stamos:

Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! Magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweeten. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

Sarah Palin declined to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps because Oprah would ask her if Africa was a country.

And Christian nutjob Rick Warren favors assassination. Thankfully, so far he's only named a foreign leader to his list.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

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Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:13:00 GMT

1. Mormons
2. Abstinence
3. There’s a better vampire movie you should be watching

Reason #1: Never let devout religious people teach or describe sex to you. It’s like having George Bush explain his foreign policy (a bunch of cautionary bullshit and no results). Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Yes, those guys who helped spearhead the anti-gay “Yes on Prop 8” campaign… and by the way, who the hell are they to talk about marriage?

How Mormon is she?

Well, she did get her writing degree at Brigham Young University.

Reason #2: Abstinence is not the answer. Just ask Sarah Palin how well it works. And furthermore does it ever make for good entertainment? Meyer substitutes a teenage vampire boy’s horny desires for his thirst for blood in a thinly veiled metaphor that’s supposed to teach “us” (parents and their confused teens, of which we are neither, admittedly) about “our” carnal urges.

Reason #3: Nine times out of ten there’s always a better movie out there than the one you’re watching. Not that our readers are knocking down theater doors to get to this holiday blockbuster (which they keep urging us to refer to as “the next Harry Potter”), but if you are in the mood for an entertaining vampire movie try Let The Right One In, still in theaters. A super hip and smart Swedish film (also based on a novel, not written by a Mormon) that tells the dark and soulful story of a little kid vampire. And it’s rated R the way all vampire movies should be.

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While You Were Sleeping: Winona Ryder OD'd

Photo: NYT

While You Were Sleeping: Winona Ryder OD'd

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:27:00 GMT

Scarlett Johansson doesn't mind that "I Kissed A Girl" is a bland Jill Sobule ripoff. Hell, she's flattered to be the inspiration for the song.

Joe Biden's son Beau is on his way to Iraq... and possibly the Senate in 2010.

Twilight is getting some disappointing reviews ahead of its Friday release.

The funny, lively banter -- the way in which Edward and Bella teased and toyed with one another about their respective immortality and humanity -- is pretty much completely gone, and all that's left is a slog of adolescent angst." [AP via EW]

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are planning a low-key wedding, probably for fear that Maxim readers don't find out where it is and try to sabotage it.

A guy who wrote two Marx Brothers movies and parts of The Wizard of Oz has died.

And the world's dumbest rapper has received 20 years in prison after bragging about a shooting in his own rap song.

Winona Ryder took too many Xanax to combat her fear of flying and ended up in the hospital. Rumor has it she repeatedly collapsed in first class before the plane landed...