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Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

While You Were Sleeping: Star Wars on TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:27:00 GMT

The CNN-Ashton Kutcher "race to a million" literally came down to the wire. Found out who won by clicking here.

The new Harry Potter movie has its first finished trailer.

This whole "we didn't know she pregnant" thing is catching on all over the world, with the latest outbreak spotted in Michigan.

How do Jack White fans keep track of all these bands he's in?

More Bloomberg jerky behavior.

Perry Mason is real!

Jennifer Jason Leigh joins the cast of Weeds-- officially establishing the Showtime show's cast as the best on television, hands down.

The world takeover of Britain's Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle is still in shock about her overnight fame.

The Senator who replaced Obama has raised... wait for it... $845 this quarter. Hell, I can raise that in one phone call.

Zac Efron wants to play Luke Skywalker on TV. Hey, don't laugh-- George Lucas has had far worse ideas AND executed them.

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Cloris Leachman Wears Only Cabbage for Her PETA Ad

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Models Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Charlie Sheen's wife gave birth to twin boys. Wonder what that childhood's gonna be like...

Political turncoat Ron Silver died of cancer at the age of 62. Silver was most recently known for appearing on The West Wing.

An arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan over the weekend; she faces a hearing today.

The right-wing came out swinging at Jon Stewart over the Jim Cramer-Brawl Street business, none more pathetically than Tucker Carlson, who denied being a "partisan hack."

At an America's Next Top Model cattle call (that's a term, not a slur) in New York, three women were arrested when some idiots yelled "there's a bomb," probably to cut ahead in line, and a full-on brawl/stampede ensued.

Lionel Richie worried that his female fans would stop throwing their panties at him if he became a grandfather.

This trailer makes painting seem so badass.

Race to Witch Mountain easily dethroned The Watchmen over the weekend.

And how would you like this job? Kylie Minogue was paid $1 million for performing a single song for Bollywood.

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

A woman in Silsbee, Texas is going through one helluva messy divorce. She's already engaged to another guy and, after getting drunk one night, had breakup sex with her hubby. Not long after, the woman's husband was arrested for filming that one-off sexual encounter on a hidden video camera.

And it only gets worse... and weirder...

Danielle Taylor, who prefers that her name be printed instead of "unnamed woman," would never claim to be 100% perfect. She only met her husband last January and they were already filing for divorce nine months later. On top of that, she was already engaged to another guy before 2008 was up. Then, one night, she decided to get drunk and have sex with her still-husband. But the fact that he filmed her and ultimately blackmailed her is in no way her fault.

It turns out that Taylor's stepfather had set up a video camera in the trailer where the sex took place, and the husband, Brian Bush threatened to mail the fiancee a tape of his future bride if she didn't dump the guy. Did you catch that? Her own stepfather.

Luckily, Taylor intercepted a UPS delivery of the package, but we're guessing that won't matter much to the guy who ultimately finds out about his girlfriend's extra-curricular sex life in the hometown newspaper. Anyway, the husband and the stepfather were both arrested on improper photography charges. They each face up to 24 months in prison...

...however... Taylor pointed out that her (ex-)husband did call her to apologize for sending the tape and warned her to catch the mail before her fiancee saw it. Also, Taylor told a reporter that her "father" is too old for prison life. You can read more about the case at this link.

Related:

Video of the Day: Meet the Polaroid Swinger

Today in WTF: An Iranian Cleric's Sex Tape

Real or Fake? Katy Perry Nude Photo

Super-Exclusive Nude Calendar Makes Us Want to Go to Africa For Some Reason

Mama Bear Made Fantasties Come True For Teen Boys

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:53:00 GMT

A woman in Huntington, TX may have chanced on our story a while back about the Trailer Trash Tramp who gave Teens Two Tickets To Paradise (or somethin' like that) and found some inspiration in its sordid tale...

Trishana Broussard, who we are not calling "trailer trash" or anything so insulting, was arrested last week for sexual assault of a child, a second-degree felony offense. Since then, more strange details have emerged-- Broussard, known as "Mama Bear" around these parts ("ah, so that's what that meant," the local parents most be thinking), is being investigated for approximately 8 to 10 cases of having sex with different teenage boys. Victims are too embarrassed to come forward, say the cops, because they all seem to know each other... and no one wants to face each other after being told of their friends getting their own sloppy seconds.

One of the boys told Sifford in an interview that Broussard allegedly performed oral sex on him and they also had sexual intercourse, the chief said.

The other one told Sifford that Broussard had taken to him a cemetery and performed oral sex on him, the chief said.

Broussard has denied all of the allegations made by the two boys, but did say she may have sent some inappropriate text messages to the boys, Sifford said.

"Some" translating to over 100 to one boy alone, according to his parents. See, the reason there appear to be more of these underage-sex cases than ever is thanks to text messaging. There were probably just as many incidents in the past, but it was harder for police to make arrests, since suspects didn't so idiotically incriminate themselves.

Via the Lufkin Daily News.

Related:

Teacher Shows Girls His Dick... In Class

Today in Teacher Sex: Louisiana and New York Pervs Reach New Heights

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

14-Year-Old Girl Sold Into Marital And Sexual Slavery For $16 Grand

Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Picture this: you live in a trailer in Houma, Lousiana. No, that's too horrible to imagine for most-- how about this instead:

Imagine a woman is living in a trailer in Louisiana. One night, she invites two thirteen-year-old boys and four boys of legal age to her place for a game of cards. After losing what we must assume was a very randy round of strip poke, she asks all six dudes to accompany her to the bedroom, where they took turns having sex with her while the others gawked, giggled, and most likely turned toward each other with "Dude, holy shit, dude!" looks on their faces.

Now, if you're the judge sentencing this woman-- remember, you're in the South-- how much jail time do you slap this woman with?

If you're Judge Timothy Ellender, the answer is NONE. Ellender is one of those rare judges who, instead of trying to win reelection by showing the media how unfairly tough on crime he can be, actually heeded the advice of the victim's family, who asked that Maureen Lirette receive zero jail time. They told the judge that the boys were not upset and, because Lirette has a young daughter, it would be best for everyone if Lirette received probation.

Thanks to state law allowing victims to weigh in on a criminal's punishment, the Judge was able to hear the family's recommendations. He listened, and now Lirette will serve five years of supervised probation and be placed in a registry of sex offenders. Among Judge Ellender's greatest hits, according to WWLTV:

“So this was a gang bang? Are you pleased with yourself? Can’t you get yourself a man?”
“There’s a double standard. Some people think you did a 13-year-old boy a favor. I certainly don’t.”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But you need to be embarrassed.”

Related:

We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

If You're Going to Give A BJ In Public...

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Biel Finally Goes Topless

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:51:00 GMT

Check out this weird Exorcist bobblehead doll.

Rush Limbaugh is engaged to an Ann Coulter impersonator.

The Governor of Illinois is free on $4,500 bail, which he could raise by selling one minute of his time to somebody in his waiting room.

Note to Salon: we don't need any more stories about women who are celibate because they are afraid of dating.

Hugh Hefner's daughter resigned as head of Playboy. Even she hates that shit reality show.

The housing crisis prepares to claim an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition home.

And Jessica Biel is reportedly topless in a new movie... meaning, more topless than she is in these screenshots from the trailer for her new movie. Justin's gonna be so piiiiissed.

Related:

Take Us To Detroit: Site of this Weekend's Biggest Orgy

Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

Video of the Day: W., the Oliver Stone Film

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:45:00 GMT

About how much of this movie do you think will be historically accurate?

It's directed by Oliver Stone and stars (famous liberals) such as:

Josh Brolin	...	George W. Bush
Elizabeth Banks	...	Laura Bush
Ioan Gruffudd	...	Tony Blair
Thandie Newton	...	Condoleezza Rice
Ellen Burstyn	...	Barbara Bush
Jeffrey Wright	...	General Colin Powell
Richard Dreyfuss	...	Dick Cheney
James Cromwell	...	George Herbert Walker Bush
Scott Glenn	...	Donald Rumsfeld
Jesse Bradford	...	W's college friend
Noah Wyle	...	Don Evans (rumored)
Jason Ritter	...	Jeb Bush (rumored)
Rob Corddry	...	Ari Fleischer
Toby Jones	...	Karl Rove
Sayed Badreya	...	Saddam Hussein

What do we think about the casting and, more importantly what do we think of the movie?

Via Trailer Addict.

Trailer: "Zach and Miri Make a Porno"

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:13:00 GMT

This trailer for Kevin Smith's new film Zack and Miri Make a Porno kind-of screams "all the good stuff is in the trailer." But Smith has only really let us down, what, twice (Clerks II and Jersey Girl")? So here's hoping this is just a little taste of all the glorious hilarity and vulgarity to come.

P.S. Is it bad that we really want to make out with Seth Rogen right now?

Related: Sloppy Seconds: Sexy Round-Ups

Video of the Day: Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Gay Rabbi

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:12:00 GMT

We wanted to hate this, we really did. But in the end, we couldn't.

Video of the Day: War, Inc. Is Anti-Iraq War, Anti-Everything

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Although this trailer is not at all promising, we're still holding out hope that a satire of the Iraq War, starring John Cusack in a sort-of rehash of his Grosse Pointe Blank role as a hitman hired by the former VP of the United States (Dan Aykroyd, clearly playing himself) to kill a rival of his Halliburton-like company, will be the fictional Fahrenheit 9/11 of the year.

There are, admittedly, several troubling moments in this trailer...

1) The presence of Hillary Duff anywhere in the film.

2) The presence of Hillary Duff as an Asian sex kitten, which is hilarious in limitless ways. On a pool table. Troubling because it might actually be sexy, and we find being attracted to Hillary Duff about as off-putting as discovering your friend's kid is now a hot college coed.

3) Ben Kingsley, phoning it in. Which for him means simply "stealing the show" and not "stealing the show and winning Oscars for it."

4) No good satire, just a bunch of jokes (i.e. "How's My Driving?" and "that's a bombing," which is not quite satiric.)

5) We lost interest halfway through. Anyone else?

War, Inc. opens on Friday.

Did Han Solo Show Princess Leia His Spaceballs in the Trailer?

Emily Farris — Thu, 01 May 2008 13:13:00 GMT

Carrie Fisher recently hinted that she and Harrison Ford may have had an affair while filming the Star Wars movies.

"I went on the film saying, 'I'm going to have an affair', like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit - because I had never had one. I'm going to get into so much trouble. Once, I left the room and came back and Harrison was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes! I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he has had a few drinks."

So either he totally played her or they totally did it. In costume, we hope.

[Gabby Babble: Carrie Fisher Hints About Affair with Harrison Ford]

Not The Video of the Day: Jewno

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Although we are not Jewish, we're often mistaken for a Chosen Individual, even by rabbis and that Schwartz kid from gym class.

Therefore, we were easily able to fit in at a Purim party on Saturday, where our fellow Jews drank oddly-shaped Bud Light bottles and awful kosher wine and roared with laughter to this excellent "Juno" parody, which is way funnier than the Oscar-nominated indie nuisance.

Lewis Black also did a video for the party, which is equally hysterical (even for those of us who don't get all the Hebrew-inflected jokery.) If someone finds it online, we'll embed it here.

Scanner Confessions: I Will Most Definitely Put On a Wig and Dark Glasses, Be First in Line to See the "Sex and the City" Movie

Emily Farris — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:02:00 GMT

What kind of relationship can we have if we're not honest—truly honest—with one another? I, Scanner Emily, am somewhat embarrassed to tell you that I love "Sex and the City." I have watched every episode at least eight times. I have done this in part because it's always on TV, and in part because I enjoy the show, though I hate many of the things it represents: pink drinks, super tall heels, high carbon emissions from over use of taxis when one could take the subway except for those damn super tall heels, and well, I'm not a fan of Manhattan (as anyone who knows me outside of The Internets knows). I am, however, a fan of sex, cities, cute clothes, women who aren't afraid to talk and write about sex and the idea that someone could have a job similar to mine and have a ridiculous apartment, wardrobe and going-out budget. That said, would I be caught dead in one of those "I'm a Carrie" shirts? Hell no. In fact, they make me want to drop kick somebody. But as much as I hate to admit it, you bet your ass I will put on dark glasses and be the first in line to see the "Sex and the City" movie. You roll your eyes now, but what if I told you that the new, extended trailer leads us to believe that Big leaves Carrie at the altar, Steve cheats on Miranda, and as soon as Charlotte and Harry are happy with their cute little Chinese adoptee, Charlotte finally gets knocked up?

Yes, I too am lauging at the moving-to-New-York-to-fall-in-love line. And if you don't want to go with me, I'll go to the theater alone (probably in Manhattan, but in flats via subway) with my head held down in shame. But wouldn't it be more fun with two?

[Previously on Scanner: OMG!!! SATC!!!]

[Image via]

Video of the Day: "Pineapple Express" Trailer

Bryan Christian — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Yeah, it kind of looks like the best comedy of 1996. But dammit -- remember when we said that James Franco might turn into Nicolas Cage if he wasn't careful? This is the anti-that! Seth Rogen will normally dominate any scene he's in -- and dig Franco here! He's a riot! Attention, heterosexual men: your latest mancrush has arrived.

PS: Dig the M.I.A. in the background! It's so genius -- the kids'll actually know what it is and the oldsters will be like "Is that The Clash?" (You know, like we were at first.) Bonus video if ya click through.

Even After "Cloverfield" HD Trailer, We're Kind of Unconvinced

Bryan Christian — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 13:42:00 GMT

Before we begin, let us be clear: we are totally seeing Cloverfield, the J.J. Abrams-produced monster (it seems) movie that has been shrouded in mystery—and which now has a new HD trailer available on apple.com. It looks like just the sort of flick we love—panicky, urban, and apocalyptic—and does the one thing that 1998's otherwise ridiculous Godzilla remake did right 60% of the time: it gets the visual perspective of walking in New York correct, which makes it all the more impressive when shit goes boom.

That having been said, even after watching the trailer and re-watching the teaser, we're still not sure if it's gonna be all that and a bag of chips. For one thing, with all the pretty people in a frenzy, it kinda looks like a Banana Republic ad on PCP. For another, the trailers make things seem like the mysterious monster when, in fact, they're clearly guys in hazmat suits (screengrabbed at right). Isn't a little early for a bait-and-switch? Would a single frame of the monster have killed ya, J.J.? Or do we barely ever see the monster in the first place—you know, just like on Lost?

Thoughts? Anyone here more excited about the obviously-slicker but possibly-less-disappointing I Am Legend?