Scanner : top 10 lists

America's Top 10 Limpest Cities

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

We're obviously having too much fun with these lists, but we don't want to be too cruel. So, America's limpest cities after the jump.

10. Omaha, NE
9. Modesto, CA
8. Bakersfield, CA
7. Anchorage, AK
6. Oklahoma City, OK
5. Fort Worth, TX
4. Arlington, TX
3. Charelston, WV
2. Lubbock, TX
1. Tulsa, OK

Arlington, TX, ranked fourth on the list, and according to Men's Health it's the third best city in which to find a single man. Iiiinteresting.

[Men's Health: Metrogrades]

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The 10 Best Things About the New Star Trek

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

Haven't seen the new Star Trek yet? You are not alone... in the universe! Ha... is joke.

Seriously, this might end up being the first film in ages to actually draw in significant repeat business-- Trekkies are over the moon, film buffs are racing at warp speed to get home and blog, and we've run out of bad puns already. In other words, don't be left out this weekend...

10. This could be the Star Trek film that breaks the Oscar curse. The series is 0 for 10, mainly in sound and effects categories, and has never been nominated in a category bigger than cinematography. But we would not be surprised, given the quality of movies released this year, that Star Trek pics up nods in screenplay, effects, and even acting categories. You heard it here first.

9. Leonard Nimoy's cameo gives the movie great dramatic weight-- unlike 99.9% of all prequel cameos. Most of the time, when you bring back the star of a film's previous series, it results in mockery and cinematic travesty. For example, Sean Connery's return as James Bond nearly ruined the series, even more so than the casting of Timothy Dalton. Thankfully, this Star Trek is more, say, Diamonds Are Forever than Never Say Never Again.

8. It finally launched little known film director J.J. Abrams's career. Abrams, you probably didn't know, has spent years slumming it as the #1 producer of network television.

7. If this guy hates it, it must be good. The self-described Trekkie fails to see what's great about the movie-- it's Star Trek without all the hokey sci-fi goofing around that turned off so many casual viewers.

6. It makes us want to go watch the first four movies again. (Although, of course, nothing can make us want to watch any of the others.) That's the big difference with this and the Star Wars prequels-- it actually belongs in the series canon.

5. Because J.J. chose quality over a gimmick. Bill Shatner has made no bones (no pun intended) about his disdain for the filmmakers. We see his point-- Nimoy gets a huge supporting role, while Shatner doesn't even merit a walk-on. But Abrams & co. were right to leave that rumored cameo unfilmed-- the scene that would kind-of work, initially slated to follow the climax, could easily have stalled the movie's dramatic momentum and might have sent people out of the theater shaking their heads at the inappropriate side-tracking. Abrams made the very wise decision to not risk the movie's tension-- and it was clearly the right decision.

4. Because it will launch the career of a great young actor, Chris Pine. When we first saw trailers for the film, we kept saying, "Man, the new Kirk looks like a poor man's Ryan Reynolds." And saying someone is anything like Ryan Reynolds is a huge insult where we come from. That "annoying-looking pretty boy model," Chris Pine, turns in he year's best breakthrough performance-- are you listening, MTV?

3. All the ladies agree: Zachary Quinto is the thinking woman's sex symbol for the 21st Century. Spock, as Quinto plays him, is transformed into a studly romantic brainiac badass. Who could've predicted that?

2. This weekend, it will likely become the highest-grossing Tyler Perry movie of all time. Yes-- he's in two scenes and since no one knew he was in the film when it first opened, there were whispers all around: "Hot damn-- is that Madea?"

1. It's just that damn entertaining. We watched the film with a mild fan and two people who had very little interest in the movie-- and all enjoyed it tremendously. They agreed with this reviewer that Star Trek jump-starts a series that had been "mined to exhaustion." Best of all, this weekend, it goes up against Angels and Demons, the sequel to The Da Vinci Code, giving you yet another reason to help keep this atop the box office...

The Hottest Unknown Women Of Star Trek

"I Broke My Dick And It Made Shatner A Star"

While You Were Sleeping: Mel Gibson Is In Trouble Now

Hot or Not: Playboy's 10 Sexiest CEO's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:28:00 GMT

We're not sure how Playboy's (sadly) Safe For Work list of the ten "sexiest" female CEO's in the US qualifies as "sexiest" or even "sexy." Maybe it's the fact that these women probably make lots of money that appeals to the writer.

Even if you think these are ten incredibly hot babes, it's hard to see what's so appealing about seeing them on the Playboy site in their ~~birthday~~ business suits.

For example, check out the standouts:

Who she is: Julie Smolyansky [see above photo]
CEO of: Lifeway Foods; makers of kefir and other specialty dairy products
Age: 33
2008 revenue: $38.7 million
Year founded: 1986
Website: lifeway.net

Why she’s on top: Julie became CEO, treasurer and president when her father, the founder, died of a sudden heart attack. She went back to work the next morning, and under her direction the company more than quadrupled its stock price. A fitness junkie, she ends every day with a trip to the gym. It's obvious to us that all her investments are yielding impressive returns.

What, no lingerie photos or mock-Got Milk? shots from her session? And no punning remarks?

This one has the lingerie connection and a porn star's last name, but... no luck:

Who she is: Claire Chambers
CEO of: Journelle, a lingerie retail company
Age: 29
2008 revenue: $2 million
Year founded: 2007
Website: journelle.com

Why she's on top: After spending a few years in the buttoned-up worlds of management consulting and investment banking, she slipped into something a little more comfortable: lingerie. Now she spends her days letting women everywhere know that sexy and sophisticated underthings aren't just for special occasions, they're the kind of luxury they should indulge in every day. We couldn’t agree more.

This one's more like it... but... still lacking in the NSFW department:

Who she is: Kerry Knee
CEO of: Flirty Girl Fitness, a fitness lifestyle company
Age: 38
Number of employees: 120
Year founded: 2005
Website: flirtygirlfitness.com

Why she's on top: A former IT exec and calculus major from Toronto, Kerry—and her sister Krista—opened Flirty Girl Fitness as a social club where women can sweat hard in classes like Hottie Body Boxing and XXX Power Strip, then play hard at the "Flirty Girl Bar" afterward. We're burning calories just thinking about it.

See all 10 of the women at Playboy.com.

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While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

Say what you want about its culture, but Wal-Mart workers in Miami may be the first in the nation to unionize.

The top 10 places to kiss.

Here's one we haven't heard before: police raided a topless bar that featured a fourteen-year-old stripper.

Arlen Spector's historic decision to switch to the Democratic Party yesterday not only gives the Donkeys 60 seats in the Senate, it also means they'll probably seize the seat next fall.

SJP and Matthew Broderick are having twins (through a surrogate.)

How can anyone give a flying fuck what Sean Hannity says after he relentlessly defended Kim Kardashian as a role model.

Dolph Lungren probably wishes he could've had Sly around to kick some major ass while this was going down.

And do you think this mother should have her children taken away? She is very overweight and was feeding them McDonald's (albeit UK McDonald's) at six months!

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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Top 10 TV Nipple Slips and Wardrobe Malfunctions

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:59:00 GMT

You know, because Janet Jackson wasn't the first one to lose her outfit live on national television...

It's difficult to imagine, we know, but even game shows in the 60s and 70s were famous for nipple slips. Luckily, YouTube, Google Video and other online sources have managed to salvage some of the most memorable moments. They're all pretty much two seconds long, but this will make you a better future Trivial Pursuit contestant... since you know that's all that we're going to talk about in 20 years, the way our Idiocracy is going.

Here are ten in no particular order...

Ron Jeremy's High School Play Video Leaked!

Tara Reid Wishes She Was Actually Listening To What The Little People Were Yelling About

Jennifer Hawkins (the 2004 Miss Universe) Returns to Australia to Moon Her Hometown

The Match Game (okay, this is more of a "nipple slip" of the tongue, but hey... break it up a bit, ya know)

Eva Mendes Was Really Asking For It This Time

N Is For Nipples - TV Show Host Flashes Kids

Haven't Seen This Janet Jackson Nip Slip Before... Is It New?

They Let the Wrestlers Beat Up the Refs, But An Ass And Nipple Slip Is An Ejection?!

As Bob Barker Says, "She came on down and they came on out!" [sfw]

And finally, Meredith Viera pulls a Justin Timberlake on Helen Mirren:

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Caption This: Agyness Deyn And Her Friend's See-Through

Nerve Editors Pick the 40 Sexiest Frontwomen in Rock History

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 20:02:00 GMT

Today the Nerve editors published a list of the forty sexiest front women in rock 'n roll history. We certainly agree with most of them, including Jenny Lewis, pictured above, while we're a bit thrown off by others. We absolutely agree that number one belongs a place high on the list, but the question is: does she belong at number one?

#1) Tina Turner

"Take one golden klaxon of a voice, slap on the two most ironclad gams in show biz, and what do you get? The most slamming septuagenarian in rock history. Truly the original Bionic Woman, Ms. Turner has sold two-hundred-million records and more tickets than any another solo star, all the while flipping retirement the bird. The rules of Thunderdome are simple, but the rules of being The Queen of Rock and Roll are even simpler: be the freaking best."

See the list in its entirety here.

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[Image, Image]

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

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9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

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8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

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7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

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6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

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5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

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4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

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3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

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2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

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1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

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*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

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Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:57:00 GMT

10. Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass - Whipped Cream & Other Delights. The other delights, unfortunately, are mainly covered up by the whipped cream, but this is still vintage goodness.

9. Betty Davis - They Say I'm Different. The woman once married to Miles (hence how she got the movie star-esque name) has two of the sexiest album covers ever. We can't explain why we love our #9 choice... or why we chose it over her possibly sexier "Nasty-Gal" photo...

8. The Pixies - Surfer Rosa. We've listened to this album about 300 times and we still don't know who Surfer Rosa is or why Kim Deal gets upset when Black Francis yells "you fucking die." But yeah, gotta love the field-hockey-players-and-the-coach sex scandal story. Oh, and the cover ain't bad either... and those catchy tunes... and... and...

7. Shakira - Oral Fixation. With a title like that, you'd think Shakira wants to be treated like a sex object-- but look, there's a baby! And this sluttastic photo is playfully Biblical, so you know she's a good Catholic girl. Right?

6. Blondie - Parallel Lines. For Halloween one year, we had a girl dress as Debbie Harry and we joined her in the easy-as-hell hipster uniform worn by the guys in this photo-- and damn it if we weren't sexy as all hell. The other night, we saw Debbie Harry play a fundraiser with a local high school band, doing bizarre and funky versions of "Heart of Glass" and other classics from that album. (We had a boner both nights.) Mainly, this cover is incredibly sexy thanks to the dudes with their shit-eating grins realizing how lucky they are to even be associated with a knockout like Debbie Harry, who makes this one helluva photo with that scowl contrasting their gleeful faces.

(Trivia: what future famous person picked Debbie Harry up in his car one night when she was walking home from waitressing at Max's Kansas City. Hint: he was a creep and she jumped out of the car at the next red light. Answer: Ted Bundy.)

5. The Strokes - Is This It? One could make about a dozen jokes about this album and its cover ("Heh heh... I bet they like to "Stroke" it to their own cover..." or "Is this it? Indeed, how come the album isn't as good as the cover?" for starters.) We'll just mention that whimpy Americans don't even have this picture on their 2001 records because it was deemed "too risque." So was the song New York City Cops-- but that's understandable, given 9/11 occurred just before the record's initially-planned release date.

4. Pulp - This Is Hardcore. A record with only one good song ("Like A Friend," and it isn't even the best of the two released versions)-- hey at least the cover makes for good wallpaper.

3. Ween - Chocolate and Cheese. Personally, we prefer the cover where they parody Leonard Cohen's Best of album using the Elephant Man, but these boobs are pretty sensational. Speaking of sensational, get a load of that belt! We might even wear that thing if it came our way...

2. The Cars - Candy-O. We're pretty sure this ain't no real woman, but for you anime freaks out there, this is one to get your keyboards sticky over. Ew, ew, ew-- pretend we didn't even say that. By the way, for some unimaginable reason, girls tend to get in the mood when The Cars come on the radio-- even if the song is "Let the Good Times Roll." FYI, dudes.

1. Roxy Music - Country Life. Their first US top 40 record (it went Top 5 in Britain), Roxy Music's Country Life is an obvious choice for #1 because of the near-nudity factor. (Of course, there are dozens of possible candidates for this list that have nudity in their covers, but they simply weren't as hot. Maybe for our Part Two someday...) Here's what Wikipedia has to tell us about this glorious photo:

The cover features two scantily-clad models, Constanze Karoli... and Eveline Grunwald. Bryan Ferry met them in Portugal and persuaded them to do the photo shoot as well as to help him with the words to the song "Bitter-Sweet". Although not credited for their photos they are credited on the lyric sheet for their German translation work.

The cover image was considered controversial in some countries such as the United States, Spain, and The Netherlands, where it was censored for release. As a result, a later American LP release of Country Life (available during the years 1975-80) featured a different cover shot. Instead of Karoli and Grunwald posed in front of some trees, the reissue used a photo from the album's back cover that featured only the trees.^.Author Michael Ochs has described the result as the "most complete cover-up in rock history." [Wikipedia]

Honorable Mentions: Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking; Jennifer Lopez - On the 6; and one of the Slunt records. Suggestions are welcome for a follow-up list...

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From the Archives: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:53:00 GMT

We ran this almost a year ago, but we're reposting it because this shit is getting depressing. We need some kind of silver lining.

Do recession woes have you down? Are you worried about losing your job and/or your yipster lifestyle? As terrifying as doing your own laundry and switching from Americanos to drip coffee may seem, the recession could do wonders for your love life. And as we learn from Caitlin MacRae, economist, sexologist and Nerve intern, life as a normal person affected by the recession is a lot like life as a blogger.

10. Fine wine will once again be for stuffy rich people.

These days, everyone’s expected to be able to select the correct boujolais from a leather-bound list of hundreds, adding anxiety to an otherwise pleasant date. When the economy tanks and you’re forced to go back to meeting up at the kinds of bars you don’t find in Zagats, the two of you can relax and do shots of Jim Beam while wistfully reminiscing about your vintage merlots – and your vintage careers.

9. Lack of disposable income will force you and your date to engage in exhilarating illegal activities.

Before you had a job, before you were old enough to get into bars, you lived a romantic existence free of any sense of social propriety or personal accountability. Instead of planning extravagant outings, you figured out how to skulk around verboten locales, pool-hopping late into the night and making out in the backseats of unlocked cars. Just because you’re all grown up doesn’t mean you can’t still indulge in such shenanigans, and shimmying up to top of that water tower together is free, unless you need to post bail.

8. Bars are filled with the unemployed by three p.m., drunken hookups will be in progress by five.

When everyone works till seven, happy hour doesn’t really get going until eight, which doesn’t leave much time to get tanked and slur pickup lines at strangers before a responsible working-person’s bedtime. With more free time, you can look forward to those midday drink specials and the afternoon bouts of poor judgment they produce.

7. You’ll find out if those coffee shops really are hotbeds of early-afternoon sexual tension.

Your freelancer friends have long regaled you with stories of giddy midday coffee-shop flirtations, making their wayward life sound like Prince’s Black Album incarnate. You’ll soon find out if this secret holy land of semi-employed sexual tension actually exists, since you’ll be parked in this alleged paradise of furtive glances all day while Craigslisting for gigs.

6. Breakfast will replace brunch.

Somewhere between the lemon-pepper-vodka Bloody Marys and the sea-salt-and-pesto poached eggs, we lost sight of the real magic of weekend mornings: sloth-like apartment lingering. Instead of showering, throwing on a jaunty scarf and skipping down to the chirpy, overpriced brunch nook, you and your significant other – or last night’s trick -- can shuffle around in ancient pajama pants, fry up half a pound of bacon, and have morning sex without waiting for an overworked server to bring you the check.

5. Museum dates will be unaffordable.

Like an Alzheimer’s patient, we return to the $20-per-ticket Museum of Modern Art again and again for an ill-conceived date with someone we don’t know very well and already feel awkward around. The museum date is a clumsy murder-suicide: the two of you shuffle from sculpture to painting while acting like pretentious eggheads as you try to discuss art that you don’t understand. Catch a discount matinee instead, and grope in the dark.

4. Library-sex will make a comeback.

Combine America’s declining interest in knowledge, free admission, and sultry, stuffy sex-maniac librarians, and suddenly you have an accessible, sparsely populated impromptu orgy club. The public library, with its many dim corners and unlocked “reading rooms,” is a recession-era Plato’s Retreat. Take it from a former librarian: the microfiche room is far from obsolete when reappropriated in the right fashion.

3. That romantic getaway to a Costa Rican eco-lodge will become a sordid roadtrip to a dingy Niagara Falls motel.

Never underestimate the beautiful sleaziness of vacationing on the cheap. After spending several hours in traffic, then bundling up in twelve layers to go stare at a plummeting body of water, you’ll be eager to trundle back to the seedy Fairway Motor Inn for an evening of basic cable, vending-machine dinner and the sickest, hottest sex you’ve had since your first three months of dating. Splurge for the room with the mirror on the ceiling – we can’t even begin to explain how worth the money this is.

2. Tinier apartments lead to accidental sex.

Since rents never seem to drop with the rest of the market, you’ll need to downgrade from that sturdy loft to a tiny railroad apartment whose walls seem to actually amplify your neighbors’ late-night viewing choices. Might as well seize the opportunity to accidentally on purpose touch one of your five roommates’ breasts while reaching around her to grab your coffee mug in the morning. With everyone unemployed and starved for a little human contact – and the unpaid electric bill shrouding you in darkness -- you can get away with more than usual.

1. More dates take place in the cheapest available venue: the bedroom.

Pirated movies on your laptop, cheap take-out and some PBR serve the exact same function as the overpriced museum, the brunch spot, and the wine bar - and none of those places have the advantage of being right where you want to be in the first place. Happy poverty!

—Caitlin MacRae

Originally Posted March 8, 2008

[Image via]

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:10:00 GMT

A while ago, someone pointed out to us that ever list of the best cover songs of all-time includes cuts like "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" by Guns 'N Roses or hits by-- gulp-- Cher. Hopefully, this will be at least a step in the right direction...

10. Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight) - KRS-One. We have to admit, this is only on here because there's no other hiphop cover that's as close to our hearts. You can keep your lame Fugees cover of "Killing Me Softly," which even that group's members despise. You can keep your P. Diddy sampling/ripoff garbage. KRS-One didn't need to cover or even sample Blondie's "Rapture" for us to remember this cut from the mid-90s-- that's how superior it is to other hiphop covers.

Step Into A World (Rapture's Delight)

9. Comfortably Numb - The Scissor Sisters. This is pure pop, and maybe the disposable kind: disco. However, to take a classic like Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" and not only turn into a catchy dance freakout, complete with a far more memorable melody has gotta count for something, no?

[YouTube link]

8. Crossroads - Cream. This is an old Robert Johnson song, one that guitar player Eric Clapton was dying to tear into for years before this live performance at the Fillmore. He's never been able to top this, not even on Layla. After years of listening to it, we're still awed by that brutal solo.

Crossroads

7. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley. It's come down to this-- it takes an angry backlash by a dead singer's internet fanbase to give Jeff Buckley the Top 5 hit he always deserved with this Leonard Cohen song. Although pretty much every version except the John Cale attempt (which is arguably even more famous, since it was used in Shrek) is worthy of the Master, it would be hard to top the simple beauty of young Buckley's 1994 release, which grows sadder every year. "All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew ya."

Hallelujah

6. Hurt - Johnny Cash. Neither one of his best songs nor one of his best covers (those would be Folsom Prison Blues and Sam Hall, respectively), but seeing how there are so many people that think this is his peak, we find ourselves including it here anyway. In this version, recorded shortly before his death, Cash stripped away the anger of Trent Reznor's initial take on the material, giving it the devastating treatment it really deserved. Even notoriously pop-minded country music fans dug it-- it went on to win the CMA for Single of the Year.

Hurt

5. Me and Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin. "If it sounds country, man, that's what it is-- it's a country song." Despite being a very pop version of a nostalgic Southern anthem by Kris Kristofferson, Joplin's first and only #1 is still essential for road trip mixes more than three decades after her death.

Me And Bobby McGee

4. House of the Rising Sun - the Animals. When Eric Burdon bought Bob Dylan's first album, he discovered, amid a bunch of forgettable covers, an obscure traditional folk song about a little girl in New Orleans. Alan Price provided the unmistakable keyboard intro and the Animals had a #1 song, just like that, a prize that should have been their first of many. Unfortunately, this is the one for which they are best remembered.

House Of The Rising Sun

3. With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker. This cover of a song from the Sgt. Pepper album was such a tremendous success that the Beatles took out a full page ad in a newspaper to congratulate Cocker on the arrangement. And that was before he'd performed what for us is the single greatest concert number of the 1960s-- seen here at Woodstock:

2. Respect - Aretha Franklin. "That woman stole my song," Otis Redding said of this version, his tone a mixture of pride and despair. Today, you can't play the songs back to back without saying, "Ouch, she really whipped the original's ass, didn't she?"

Respect [Album Version]

1. All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix. We don't really need to explain why this is #1, do we? Just for fun, we'll remind you of the story of a London studio in early 1968, where Jimi sat working on a new record, when someone burst in with tapes from Bob Dylan's late-'67 Nashville sessions. Hendrix immediately began reworking the short, sparse, and folkie tune into a full-on electric guitar assault. We'll let Dylan tell you the rest:

"It overwhelmed me, really. He had such talent, he could find things inside a song and vigorously develop them. He found things that other people wouldn't think of finding in there. He probably improved upon it by the spaces he was using. I liked Jimi Hendrix's record of this and ever since he died I've been doing it that way... Strange how when I sing it, I always feel it's a tribute to him in some kind of way." [Biograph liner notes, via Wikipedia]

All Along The Watchtower

Honorable mentions: Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - the Animals (by Nina Simone); Soul Man by the Blues Brothers and I Thank You by ZZ Top (both recorded by Sam & Dave and written by Isaac Hayes); Mr. Tambourine Man - the Byrds (by Bob Dylan); and Stop Your Sobbing - the Pretenders (written by Ray Davies.)

Obviously, it's much easier to think of atrocious cover songs that radio stations see fit to play these days: Limp Bizkit's "Behind Blue Eyes," Madonna's "American Pie" (never the greatest set of lyrics to begin with, but then you add her insipid melody to it), Britney Spears and Hillary Duff butchering everything imaginable, and just about anything Sheryl Crow has released this century-- especially "The First Cut is the Deepest," which should've made Cat Stevens come out of retirement and do a world tour just to show her how it's done.

Related:

Lou Reed's Classic Example Of How To Give An Interview

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:20:00 GMT

As if you need a reason besides the above-pictured lass, the year's #1 entertainer, according to various publications...

Instead of posting much today, we've been checking out last week's episode of 30 Rock and wondering why you haven't done the same. Here are the first ten reasons we could think of (there are at least 2,000 more) for why you should heading to your Netflix account immediately and ordering up the Complete First and Second Seasons, then checking out the show on NBC Thursday nights, starting again January 8th.

10. Although Fey was forced to fire Rachel Dratch in order to cut costs (how much could a cameo as a little blue monster run them?), you can catch the old episodes via DVD-- we defy you not to watch the entire season in one or two sittings.

9. Will Arnett. Will Arnett. Will Arnett, Will Arnett. Better yet, a maniacal Will Arnett with a lust for a chipper NBC page boy.

8. You owe Tina Fey for making your year with her Sarah Palin imitation. This is how you'll thank her.

7. The bit players aren't the stock sitcom types-- they're memorable and ridiculous without being entirely unrealistic.

6. Tracy Morgan's one-liners are so out-of-left-field and off-the-cuff, you'll wonder if he's reading off cue cards or just making this madness up as he rolls along. Seriously, does he?

5. Even the hokey celebrity walk-ons are inspired. From Steve Martin's reclusive rich kook to Jennifer Aniston's bombshell nutcase, this season's earliest episodes may never be topped for sheer consecutive star power.

4. Elaine Stritch's recurring role as Jack's mother, for which she was awarded an Emmy last year, are the highlights of every season. (She was the guest star on last Thursday's Christmas show, which was dynamite. A clip can be found below.)

3. Because the frumpier they try to make Tina Fey look, the more adorable she is.

2. Alec Baldwin is the best comedian working in television today.

1. They're desperately seeking your ratings. Hell, if Oprah can't save them, nobody can...

Sure, we understand that the critically acclaimed yet ratings-challenged "30 Rock" has to do what it can to wrangle viewers, but many of the A-list cameos the show has employed for that purpose have been seriously subpar. Jerry Seinfeld's and Jennifer Aniston's appearances on the series were equally lukewarm. Oddly enough, the standout cameo of 2008 came courtesy of non-comedian Oprah Winfrey, who played herself, opposite an advice-hungry Liz Lemon during a plane flight. Was it a gimmick? Yeah. Did it work? Totally.

Check it out at NBC.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Golden Globe Nominations Even Worse Than We Expected

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

Stuff Your Stocking With Fleshbot's Top Sex Toys of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:33:00 GMT

There's the Bo, the We-Vibe, the Curve, and something called the Babeland Nubby G.

These and six other sex toys round out Fleshbot's list of the Top 10 Sex Toys of 2008...

The full list includes: 10) The We-Vibe, a vibrating cock ring; 9) The Bo, a silicone cock ring, seen in the above-right photo; 8) The Babeland Nubby G, which had some problems back with toxic chemicals, is reborn in a bang-for-buck model; 7) The Curve, which Fleshbot calls one of the best dildos ever; 6) The Mia, seen in the above left photo, "could pass for a USB device" and is therefore recommended for air travel; 5) The Vibe, despite its imperfect "navigation system"; 4) The Jollie, a dildo of massive girth, and not to be confused with the Jolly Ol' Saint Nick or Angelina Plus 400 Pounds; 3) The Eleven, the $300 dildo for those of you not hit by the economy in any meaningful way; 2) We dated a Gigi in high school-- let's just say we'll order one of these for ourselves. And... #1...

The Sasi. You may recall we announced its release in terrified tones just four short months ago:

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:
1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself
2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website.

See the full list here.

Related:

Babeland Launches The Erratic, Dangerous, Man-Eliminating Vibrator

Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The Giant Penis Is Watching Over You

The Top 10 Yahoo Searches of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:28:00 GMT

We never understand why year-end best of polls come out before the year is over (meaning: we understood that the media tries to capitalize on the year before everyone stops carrying, but not why anyone accepts them as fact.) Top 10 movies, as polled by the critics who have seen all the year's releases already, but what if there's a major prostitution scandal and everyone starts looking up someone named Joanna Esmerelda Dupois in absurd numbers?

Yahoo isn't worried about our pesky little inquiries. It has already released their top 10 list for 2008 and although we've already revealed their #1 choice, once we caught wind of the runner-ups, we felt an overwhelming urge to burden you with this information...

10. American Idol. You mean, people don't get enough of this shit in its four hours per week?

9. Angelina Jolie. Must've been those $14 million baby pictures everyone was trying to catch a glimpse of without having to buy a tabloid magazine. Say hello to the free world wide web, People.

8. Lindsay Lohan. She would've been our guess for the #1 slot, which shows you how much we know about what men find most attractive.

7. Naruto. Apparently, some sort of cartoon character. See #8.

6. Jessica Alba. Yes, she has her assets, but none of them include talent, interesting personality, or newsmaking lifestyle. Why, why, why?

5. RuneScape. We're starting to feel a little bit left out of the loop here...

4. Miley Cyrus. We're almost relieved to see Hannah, scion of the Montana's, on this rundown, for reasons of familiarity only.

3. Barack Obama. Here's hoping the most popular related searches do not include the phrases "is a Muslim" or "and mom's nude photos."

2. WWE. Scary... although we figured eight-year-old boys are computer-trained these days...

1. Britney Spears. What hasn't been said already about a woman who was a has-been at age 7 and hasn't done a damn thing worth paying attention to since? Let's make this her last appearance on this or any list, please...

Via Yahoo.

Related:

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Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

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While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:22:00 GMT

Our personal preference is for Lois Chiles, who plays Holly Goodhead (what's wrong that name? huh?) in Moonraker (seen above), but these ten are unquestionably hot on every level. Together, they make it a tough act to follow for Olga, Gemma and their new movie, Quantum of Solace, which opens today in America....

10. Domino Petacchi (played by Kim Basinger) in Never Say Never Again

9. Lupe Lamora (played by Talisa Soto) in License To Kill

8. Domino (played by Claudine Auger) in Thunderball, who is not only one of her favorite Bond girls but one of the hottest women ever

7. Jinx (played by Halle Berry) in Die Another Day

6. Pam Bouvier (played by Carrie Lowell-- yes, Richard Gere's wife and the cutest of all Bond girls) in License To Kill

5. Plenty O'Toole (played by Lana Wood) in Diamonds Are Forever. While Jill St. John and her totally radical hair were more of a distraction for us while watching this, hearing Sean Connery moan "Oh, Plenty" or Lana's character is the trump card in this Vegas thriller.

4. Pussy Galore (played by Honor Blackman) in Goldfinger. How the hell did they get away with a name like that in the Production Code era? Well, we're all the better for it, somehow. We're not sure how, but anyway, this list isn't complete without her presence... and oh, how we dig that raspy voice...

3. Solange (played by Caterina Murino) in Casino Royale. Perhaps the only complaint we heard about the most recent classic Bond thriller (and it was classic, no question) was that Solange doesn't get laid and (SPOILER ALERT) doesn't make it past her handful of early scenes. We can't argue with that, although the scene featuring Murino riding a horse is pleasure enough for one PG-13 film.

2. Tracy Draco (played by Diana Rigg) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, arguably the best Bond film and the only one starring Australian model/actor George Lazenby as 007. This is one hell of an entertainment-- Telly Savalas as the villain, a bunch of exercise vixens as brainwashed assassins, Bond gets married, and the tragic finale are not nearly as memorable as watching Miss Emma Peel in the throes of passion with James Bond.

1. Honey Ryder (played by Ursula Andress) in Dr. No. There's a reason Bond became famous... and it's not Sean Connery. Well, okay, it's Sean Connery, the whole "Bond, James Bond" line, some decent movies, and so forth. But would Dr. No have been the massive hit it was if Ursula Andress had not come out of the ocean in that bikini? We think not....

Related:

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Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn"

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Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

Did 8-Year-Old Emily Know Scanner Emily Would Become the Crazy Cat Lady?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 18:41:00 GMT

I'm home this week, doing some promo for my book and getting out the vote. My timing worked out well, because I found an old spandex sequin-y thing at a thrift store in New York, and decided I would dress up as myself in High School for Halloween. So I set about digging through my boxes at my dad's house to find my letter jacket. Going through my old stuff is always fun; I do it every couple of years, but the older I get, the more telling it becomes. What did I find this time? A red scrunchie and perhaps one of my favorite books from my childhood that I somehow blocked from my memory...

Related:

Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

We'd Rather Be The Crazy Cat Lady Than Pimp Ourselves Out During the Super Bowl

Footprints in the Sand Remind Us There's Nothing Better Than a Good Condom Ad

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:44:00 GMT

What makes a good condom ad?

Considering we're not a fan of those featuring scantily clad women on the verge of climax, we'd say a little bit of clever can go a long, long way.

Some of our favorites, after the jump.

[Divine Caroline: 21 Condom Ads You Never Saw Coming]

Obama and McCain Condoms: Fcking Silly**

Condoms: Saving Lives 18,500 at a Time

(Thanks, Bill!)

Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:29:00 GMT

For no particular reason (well, other than that there's nothing much out there today except political news), we decided to start Halloween early: a series of the worst celebrity plastic surgeries.

And remember, kids, unless you've been in a motorcycle accident (like suave mofo Gary Busey!)-- or some equally scarring experience-- it's better to stick with what you were born with, flaws and all...

10. Janice Dickinson: Is that her or Penelope Cruz put through a brutal Photoshopping?

9. Lil' Kim: "Sorry, but we already cast Catherine Zeta-Jones as Cleopatra."

8. Tara Reid tries to reenact that Seinfeld episode with her belly button: "Helloooooooooo..."

7. Kenny Rogers -- Looks like The Gambler gambled and lost to Beverly Hills. There's nothing wrong with looking 80, Kenny, when you've always looked 79 anyway.

6. Farrah Fawcett (see top of this page.) Holy God, is that Melanie Griffith, aged by computer to the year 3028? Nope, that's the woman who we thought was going to age like Sophia Loren. Come on, now, get some help, please...

5. Mickey Rourke. Some say this was due to a post-Hollywood boxing career gone Jake La Motta, but even Jake himself couldn't have caused this much damage to this dude.

4. (tie) Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson. Why would the world's #1 porn star need even more attention? Why would Pamela Anderson need bigger boobs? You know when even Howard Stern thinks you're perfect, there's no one left to please...

3. Joan Rivers. Yeah, this one you know... you've seen her on E!, everyone's been ragging on her for years about it, we'll move on.

2. Melanie Griffith -- too scary to post here. Click on this link at your own peril.

1. Michael Jackson, a manchild who needs no introduction... well, only this:

Related:

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While You Were Sleeping: David Duchovny Can't Keep It Together

Top 10 Secrets For Looking Great Naked... From A Nudist Resort

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:20:00 GMT

Leave it one of those trendy nude getaway spots to tell us what works and what doesn't when you want to be more comfortable in your own, bare, uninhibited, decently-exposed-skin.

Of course, a lot of the ideas on this list are laughable... then again, so is the idea that these places are clothing "optional." It's more like "clothing will be given eyeball daggers of death and the person will be ostracized more than the guy 'accidentally' bumping into you with his boner..."

Our friend Mary in sunny and desolate Palm Springs, California issued this Top 10 list as part of a press release for her Terra Cotta Inn, which is like the Playboy Mansion for old people who don't swing. Which, in fact, is an apt description of Hugh Hefner's lifestyle these days, but anyway...

10) If you worry about existing tan lines - use a self tanner to blend color into your tanned skin.

9) If you use Retin- A, wear a floppy hat while in the sun.

8) Don't wear heavy foundation or make up by the pool. Try a tinted moisturizer with at least a SPF 15 for a flattering glow.

7) Bikini wax at least one week in advance, so your newly exposed skin is not irritated by the sun.

6) Stay at a resort like ours with a salt water pool and whirlpool tub. This way your skin won't dry out and you don't have to worry about your lightened or highlighted hair turning green from chlorine.

5) Apply at least an SPF 15 sunscreen multiple times during the day. That includes on the sides and underside of your breasts, underarms, etc. You don't want to ruin your romantic vacation with a sunburn.

4) No need to diet before going. You don't have to worry how you look in a bikini or swimsuit, since your not wearing one.

3) Get a mani/pedi before going. Ask for a topcoat with UV filters to keep the color bright.

2) Fashionistas who still need their fashion moment in the sun, can wear slinky cover ups to match their sandals and hats or visors. If you like bling, wear flirty ankle chains or toe rings. Jeweled hair clips can complete your birthday suit ensemble.

1) Finally, to make the best use of your romantic time together, leave the cell phone in the room. Remember, you can't hide a blackberry in your bikini if your not wearing one.

Hmmm... we're pretty sure "hide the blackberry in the bikini" is the name of a game the guests play in the room after dinner, but that's another post...

Via PR.com.

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Germans And Poles Are At It Again...

Swingers Vs. Nudists In Florida (Of Course)

While You Were Sleeping: Mischa Barton Can't Keep Her Clothes On

Celebrate Banned Books By Buying Everything On This List

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Sloppy Seconds: Why is Philadelphia Extra Sunny Today?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Mister Clean, Mister Clean has died. Rather, House Peters Jr., the first actor to play Mr. Clean is dead at 92. [Yahoo!]

Bollywood is on strike! The world really is coming to an end. [Jossip]

"Can you say 'yes' instead of 'you betcha?" Number 6 on David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp. [Us]

Every once in a while there's architecture (even-book related) that we just don't like. For some reason, this upside-down bookshelf really, really bothers us. [BoingBoing]

Things must be serious between Sir Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. McCartney took Shevell to his daughter Stella's fashion show in Paris. [People]

We thought we'd never be able to afford property, but apparently we're not looking in the right places. A woman in Chicago bought a house in Michigan on eBay for $1.75. We'll give her $10 for it. [Saginaw News]

We really loved "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" the few times we watched it before we decided cable was a luxury we could no longer afford, so it's no surprise that we didn't know two of the actors were a couple in real life. Did you? Well, they're married now. [Defamer]

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 20:33:00 GMT

I've been working out of a friend's office space lately, which is located in the lovely SoHo section of lower Manhattan. While this provides many great opportunities, including being blocks from Nerve HQ should I decide I want to play pool while I eat free bagels, and being deliciously nestled in between Chinatown and Little Italy, it has one serious drawback: it's next door to a pet store—with kittens in the window.

Yesterday, one window had one calico kitten in it, another had three. I felt a little sorry for the kitten that was alone, though it was making its own fun. Then, all of a sudden, I felt bad for my cat, sitting at home all alone while I'm working in cush office space and eating noodle soup for lunch. It made me think that when my cat kicks the litter box, I'll probably get two, so they can keep each other company. Hell, I'd probably get a second now if my roommate weren't so opposed to the idea of two cats scratching up her vintage couch.

But considering the only things in life I've ever been able to commit to are tattoos and my cat, I'm well on my way to becoming the crazy cat lady. Recognizing this at a young age, I've devised a plan that will hopefully lead me down a healthier social path. So, ladies and gentlemen, here you have it: Scanner Emily's Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady.

10. Go out with every man—or woman—who asks. If I'm pre-occupied with dates, whether good or bad, maybe I won't crave kitty affection so much? Eh?

9. Get a dog.

8. Clean the litter box less frequently. The smell is bound to overpower my need for feline love, no?

7. Write a letter to the government asking the city to impose a 150% tax on pet food.

6. Move into a building that won't allow me to have cats, and sign a 10-year-lease.

5. Only date people with cat allergies.

4. Write a feature on "crazy cat ladies" so I can see what I don't want my future to be.

3. Get knocked up by some random dude, and decide to keep the baby. Apparently pregnant women aren't supposed to go anywhere near cat litter. And if there's no one there to help me take care of the cat while I'm preggers, I'm going to have to get rid of the cat.

2. Avoid pet stores and "pounds on wheels" at all costs.

1. Anonymously report myself to the ASPCA for animal abuse, so I'll be blacklisted for pet adoption.

Additional ideas are highly encouraged.

Related:

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Top 10 Things We Didn't Need to Waste Time Doing This Year But Did Anyway (File Under: Facebook)

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Did you know there are over one thousand substitutes for the word "masturbation," all created by skateboarding hipster kids in Southern California?

The makers of The Masturbation List did, and shared all 1,000 terms (mainly guys can use) with us. We whittled (!) it down to a Top 10:

10. Slobbin' the Milosevich

9. Answer the bone-a-phone

8. Play with Burt Reynolds' mustache

7. Beef-strokin'-off

4. Ben your Franklin

6. Date Palmela Handerson

5. "Just need a little time with my e-mail, that's all..."

4. Lubricate the Lutheran

3. High-five Yule Brenner

2. Our Gang Spanky Marathon

1. Pat the Robertson

And yes, we read all one thousand to bring you this pointless exercise... yes, we have that kind of time...

Honorable mentions: Vote Republican, Bash the bishop, Battle the Cyclops, Rub the rhubarb, Fire the surgeon general; Molest the bystander; Five knuckle shuffle; Go down to the zipper mart to pick up a pound of pork; and Paint Pontius Pilate's Palace.

Via the Masturbation List. Photo of John Mayer via Celeb Newswire.

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Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Pop quiz, kid... whose dick is this movie star talking about:

"He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock..."

The answer, according to today's Frisky story Seven Famous Penises in History, is, of course, Frank Sinatra...

1. John Holmes... like some Madonna-lovin' the mufucka, he's diggin' tunnels...

2. Napoleon... he had a complex for a reason, people...

3. John Wayne Bobbitt... who really doesn't wanna be here...

4. David by Michelangelo... the most viewed penis... even more so than Pete Wentz's!

5. Sinatra... who, if he'd done nothing else, would have at least got to be the subject of Ava Gardner's greatest quote...

6. The Minister in "The Little Mermaid"... with his animated boner. Thanks, Disney!

7. Rasputin... maybe they couldn't kill him because of his superhuman dong...

We'd like to add three more to make it an even Top 10:

Milton Berle - a lot of people today don't remember Uncle Milty... unless they remember the name as a euphemism for something large and dangling...

Dirk Diggler - we'd have put Marky Mark, but he was wearing a prosthetic schlong in Boogie Nights...

Michael Jackson - Jacko's Johnson apparently has spots all over it that only a molested boy would know... so why did no one believe this kid when he described them exactly in a court appearance?

Oh, and one more: Jimi Hendrix and his ~~little wing~~ big thing:

Anyway, you can read the full 7 previously mentioned, with amusing stories about each, at The Frisky.

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Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:29:00 GMT

As George Bernard Shaw so famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." We wouldn't have believed it when we were kids, because we wanted nothing more than to be grown ups who could do whatever we wanted. Guess what? Doing whatever we want sometimes sucks, especially when doing whatever we want involves not paying our bills on time or going three years without a visit to the dentist.

Ah, what we wouldn't give now for a strict bed time and some fish sticks — two of the Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults.

10. Going to summer camp.

Is there anything more exciting for a kid than going away to summer camp for the first time? For most kids, it's the first time they spend extended periods away from their parents and for us, it was when we learned the most about ourselves as young people. Luckily, we still go back as counselors (yes, Scanner Emily is quite possibly the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world) every summer and run the journalism department at a camp for the fine and technical arts. We have to hold on to our youth somehow, right?

9. Eating fish sticks for dinner, and that being okay.

How can anyone not love fish sticks? They're like fish 'n chips minus the chips and the sexy British accent. Sure, they come from the freezer section, but they're fucking delicious. All that breading would probably make us fat if we consumed as many as we did when we were kids, though. And you'd probably laugh at us.

8. Going to bed at 8:30.

We can only dream of going to bed at 8:30 when we finally go to bed at 3 a.m. after getting most — but not all — of our work done for the day.

7. Going to the doctor and never seeing a bill.

We used to think the doctor took care of us because he wanted us to get better, not because he wanted a new car. Now we have to truly believe we're on our death bed or be absolutely certain a bone is broken before we'd even consider getting within 500 feet of a medical professional, lest we want to default on our student loans (which brings us to an honorable mention: free school).

6. Picking our noses.

Sometimes there's just one you have to get. Definitely loses all charm when an adult does it.

5. Being applauded for everything.

When was the last time someone clapped when you pooped in the toilet?

4. Bursting into tears when we don't get what we want.

Not that we haven't cried over unrequited love, lost apartments or plane tickets that doubled in price over night, forcing us to cancel our vacations, but it's not the same when Dad isn't there to comfort us and give us our first lesson in personal finance while explaining that he just doesn't have the money for that Shetland pony we were so, so in love with.

3. Running around the yard naked.

Not only would this require a yard, it would require us to have the self confidence to actually run while naked. There are so many things wrong with that picture we won't even begin to go there.

2. Believing our parents are immortal.

1. Asking random boys to show us their penises.

The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" line only works until about 11. Then you're expected to do more. But we could have saved ourselves a lot of disappointment in our teens and early twenties had we been able to check out the goods before committing to any physical contact.

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