Scanner : tom cruise

PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:44:00 GMT

But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now.

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

Related:

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Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

PapSmeared: Katie Holmes's Crazy Scientology Detox Causes... Rapid Growth of Shiny, Lustrous Hair (And Possibly Causes Your Husband to No Longer Find You Attractive in that Masculine Sort of Way)?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

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While You Were Sleeping: The 10 Biggest Music Moneymakers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Twitter doomed the Republican takeover of Virginia. That's not an exaggeration.

Tom Cruise + Denzel Washington divided by David Cronenberg = The Matarese Circle.

We're not sure who Olivia Munn is, but we'll remember that name now...

A couple of pranksters hacked a Taco Bell drive through speaker and, of course, used it to shout a bunch of random obscenities.

This doesn't sound hot: Anne Hathaway in drag.

There are some surprise entrants in this year's list of the top 10 moneymakers in the music business. Madonna is #1, says Billboard (via Yahoo),

followed... by Bon Jovi with $157.2 million, Bruce Springsteen ($156.3 million), the Police ($110 million), Celine Dion ($99.2 million), Kenny Chesney ($90.8 million), Neil Diamond ($82.2 million), Rascall Flatts ($63.5 million), Jonas Brothers ($62.6 million) and Coldplay ($62.2 million).

The fact that Bon Jovi made more money than Bruce Springsteen says a lot about how bad this country's musical taste runs.

In other Madonna news, that ancient nude photo of her sold for 37 g's.

No Foreplay For You

More of Those Gloriously Painful Celebrity High School Yearbook Photos

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Dita's New Nude Revue

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Kanye West On SNL: Can't Sing, Won't Sing

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While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

Related:

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Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

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Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:37:00 GMT

What were your favorite and least favorite Nerve essays of 2008? Orly? Then you should go vote for them. [Nerve]

Some of your favorite NPR personalities may soon be gone. Fucking economy. [Gawker]

Why did Perez Hilton have to ruin a perfectly beautiful picture of our future husband Ryan Gosling? [PerezHilton]

Perhaps in a cash crunch like the rest of us, Michael Jackson is selling the gates leading to Neverland Ranch and his infamous glitter glove from the "Billie Jean" video. [Yahoo!]

Speaking of gloves, er, coming off, Tom Cruise is going in for another interview with Matt Lauer. [Us]

Oprah fell off (or onto?) the food wagon, maxing out at 200 pounds. It's just more for us to love, Lady O. [People]

Prince William was invited to Paris Hilton's New Years Eve party, but his "elders at the palace" reportedly do not want him partying with her. [Radar]

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And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:19:00 GMT

Hey, you guys! Guess what? Exactly one year ago today, I made my first post on Scanner.

You didn't think I'd make it this long, did you? Honestly, neither did I.

Some of you were, and have continued to be, total assholes to me. But, for the most part, I've really enjoyed this last year. You were there for me through my Scrabulous addiction, you kept me entertained when I broke my wrist, and welcomed me back with open arms after I returned from my Wet, Hot American Summer 13 pounds heavier.

Plus, as long as you keep reading Scanner I will continue to get paid for working in my underwear. We all win.

I know you'd like to get me a gift to celebrate this momentous occasion, and what better gift can you give than buying my book? Someday I might actually make royalties off that thing, and then I'll have you, my loyal Scanner readers, to thank. If you'd like a signed copy for the holidays (and who wouldn't?) buy it here and I'll sign it before she ships it. Promise.

Stay tuned for Scanner Emily's Top 10 Scanner Moments of 2008 and a sequel to my Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007.

Love,

Scanner Emily

P.S. I still haven't told my dad who I write for.

P.P.S. Now I'll give you something. Two of my favorite songs by one of my favorite songstresses, Jenny Lewis.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

But What Will I Tell My Dad?

Scanner Bryan and Scanner Emily Meet in the Real World, Take Bad Camera Phone Pictures

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year.

However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station [really] responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Answers: possibly and we have no clue whatsoever.

Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving...

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Tina Fey
3. Ellen DeGeneres + Portia De Rossi
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Suri Cruise
6. Tyra Banks
7. Jonas Brothers
8. Keira Knightley
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Robert Pattinson

Barack Obama joked he's going to throw his "weight around" regarding college football playoff rules. Isn't it great to have a President(-elect) whose kidding doesn't make you scream in horror?

Remember that big Hollywood wiretap scandal involving Tom Cruise and some other celebrities? The culprit was sentenced to three years in prison.

Biden does appear to be setting up his Senate seat for his son to take over in 2010.

93% of respondents to a Fark survey said they prefer real boobs to fake ones. Duh. It would've been more of a story if the question was, "Which do you prefer: small natural boobs or big enhanced boobs?"

And you could win a $500 gift card to Ikea and a date with one of the guys from Pavement.

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Happy Creepy Anniversary, TomKat

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Our parents' marriage, which was supposedly based on love and produced two (if we do say so ourselves) amazing children, may not have lasted more than a couple years, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage is still going strong after two long, creepy years.

The couple of Scientologists celebrated by sending Tom to the press screaming "And they said it wouldn't last. I guess we proved them wrong!" Proving to the world that TomKat can, in fact, keep up their ends of a contract.

According to tradition, Tom is supposed to give Katie cotton or China this year. Maybe some Xenu bedsheets and matching pillowcases for Katie to bury her tears in?

[dListed:Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie Have Been "Married" For 2 Years]

Related:

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Academy Awards season started up with the shortlisting of 15 feature documentaries, which includes "Man on a Wire" and films by Werner Herzog and Errol Morris. We're rooting for Encounters At the End of the World.

The lead singer of the Vines is battling the effects of his autism and the band has canceled all their upcoming shows.

There will be a female Secretary of State after all: According to the Guardian, Hillary Clinton was offered and has accepted the Secretary of State cabinet post, which opens up a whole new can of worms, not to mention a Senate seat in our current state of residence.

Hillary Clinton plans to accept the job of secretary of state offered by Barack Obama, who is reaching out to former rivals to build a broad coalition administration, the Guardian has learned.
Obama's advisers have begun looking into Bill Clinton's foundation, which distributes millions of dollars to Africa to help with development, to ensure that there is no conflict of interest. But Democrats do not believe that the vetting is likely to be a problem.
Clinton would be well placed to become the country's dominant voice in foreign affairs, replacing Condoleezza Rice. Since being elected senator for New York, she has specialised in foreign affairs and defence. Although she supported the war in Iraq, she and Obama basically agree on a withdrawal of American troops.

The New York Times Arts and Leisure Weekend may be awesome enough for you to make a trip here: Keith Olbermann, Lewis Black, Patti Smith, Salman Rushdie, the cast of The Closer, and a rumored appearance by Tom Cruise caught our attention..

Here's why we're the biggest nerds: the first thing we notice about these photos, taken of Sarah Palin (allegedly) boozing it up at a Miami hotel, isn't those short shorts, but the copy of USA Today in her hand. Sarah! USA Today is not hard to remember-- how come you couldn't name that as a newspaper you actually read?

More photos here.

Related:

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students... On Video

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Holy Hipster Hybrid: Chloe Sevigny in Beck's New Video

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:50:00 GMT

We have a little crush on both Beck (even if he is a Scientologist) and Chloe Sevigny (even if she does play a Mormon), so forgive us if we're just a little too excited about Beck's Gamma Ray Redux video featuring the painted lady.

Beck - Gamma Ray

Scanner Storytime: Betsey Does Bear Bone, And a Vicar, Too

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Caption This: Tomkat in Pantsuit

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:25:00 GMT

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Say what you will about Tom Cruise's oddball ex-wife (at least, that's how we've always thought she comes off in interviews-- the "odd" part, that is), but Nicole Kidman gets the blood boiling faster than washing down a Cialis with a double espresso. Concentrating on that tantalizing mouth and the rest of her face-- and not the usually terrible films-- is helpful...

5. Birth. Speaking of oddball, this movie certainly fits that bill. We won't bore you with the details, since the only thing you need to know is the following clip, which shows that Nicole would make a very hot movie lesbian-- love that short hair...

4. Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

Did you know Nicole and Robert Downey, Jr. did a very nice three minute sex scene in a somewhat well-received Hollywood feature film just two years ago? If you didn't know about this already, it could be thanks to the current Mr. Nicole Kidman, who checked himself into rehab during the runup to the film's release; the actress canceled all publicity for the movie and fled to London, leaving Fur to languish here...

3. Malice. This is one of those movies that's all about its own cleverness and cramming as many twists and turns as it can into a two hour boondoggle. Luckily, they had enough room for the sex.

2. Dead Calm. Telling you what's happening here might fall under "Spoilers." Plus, it might make you vomit. Just pretend it's role playing, okay?

1. Eyes Wide Shut. A movie featuring her then-husband but a sex scene from that movie that doesn't? Hot.

Honorable Mention: Billy Bathgate

Top 5 Jennifer Connelly Sex Scenes (Nudity Counts!)

Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Who Wore it Better: Kate Hudson vs. Suri Cruise?

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:59:00 GMT

Okay, okay, we know this isn't a baby blog, but we're a little obsessed with Suri Cruise's cuteness. She almost makes us want to bang a self-involved Scientologist nut job—but only if we could be guaranteed a little one as adorable as Suri. And you have to admit it's kind-of hilarious that she's trotting around the city in practically the same dress as as an adult actress.

[Via FadedYouth]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Sloppy Seconds: Pretty Young Things

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Rumor Mongering: Did Justin Timberlake Impregnate Kate Hudson?

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Do we sound like your mother when we say that Kirsten Dunst looks so much cuter without a cigarette attached to her face? [Faded Youth]

Clay Aiken addressed his seemingly homophobic Claymates—he's the same old Gay Aiken he's always been. [MollyGood]

We want to eat Suri Cruise. Really. She's so fucking cute. [INF]

Remember when we said chastity belts were bad? Paris Hilton wants kids. Now. [People]

We're not the only ones watching Saturday Night Live just to see what Sarah Palin skit Tina Fey will do next. [Yahoo!]

In case you missed it, here's a clip from Saturday Night Live. Is this our reward in Heaven? [NBC]

South African Lovers Pick The Wrong Place To Have Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:49:00 GMT

Everyone remembers the classic sex scene on the train in Risky Business. This South African couple may have seen the movie and misunderstood the actual location of the screen couple in relation to their train...

Details have begun to emerge from South African newspapers about a deceased couple, alleged prostitute Sibongile Radebe and her john, Mduduzi Michael Bandezi. (The rundown: the lovers were having sex on the train tracks by an abandoned railroad station when a train came along. The driver claims to have alerted the couple via the ol' whistle method, at least several times, but they were so into it, they either didn't hear him or didn't care.)

Bandezi died at the scene... he was wearing a condom, thankfully... while Radebe made it to the hospital, where she passed on.

The weirdest part of this entire story? This is apparently the local hotspot for sex with prostitutes: the cops found an undetermined amount of of condoms and their wrappers scattered all over the station.

Read the initial story here.

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Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Boy Catches Teacher Jerking Off... On The Teacher's Porch

While You Were Sleeping: Will Ferrell Answers Your Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:53:00 GMT

The investigation into who hacked Sarah Palin's e-mail is focusing around the 20-year-old son of a Memphis Democratic State Representative.

Joe Biden is a friend of the gays.

What's the verdict on Kate Holmes on Broadway?

If Holmes felt nervous and jittery, she didn't show it. She delivered her lines with confidence and projected her girlish voice so it could be heard loud and clear. She danced around on stage with gusto. She looked lovely in two dresses that highlighted her trim yet shapely figure. She wore a brown shoulder-length hairpiece to hide her trendy pixie cut.

After the show, Cruise told a reporter Holmes was "extraordinary."

David Blaine is set to hang upside down for 60 hours in Central Park, starting on Monday.

Kathy Griffin may follow Project Runway and flee Bravo for another network.

Megan Fox thinks Zac and Vanessa's nude snaps are no biggie.

And Will Ferrell answers your questions on Funny or Die:

Developing: Will Ferrell For President

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:21:00 GMT

At least she looks happy...

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Related:

Katie Holmes' Vocabulary Limited to 3 Words: Lovely, Magical, Beautiful

Tom Cruise Likes Katie Holmes in a Suit..Oh, Right, and "a Mini"

Scarlett Johansson Channels Wifewoman at The Met's Costume Institute Gala

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 20:35:00 GMT

5. Cold Mountain. Debatably not hot, thanks to the movie's "soaring, sweeping" saga score, this does have two components that make it automatically worth a look: Nicole Kidman and Jude Law.

4. Coming Home. Debatably not a chick flick, this is nonetheless a great sex scene involving a man in a wheelchair that is not from a David Cronenberg film.

3. Jerry Maguire. You complete me. Unfortunately, this is an incomplete video-- the first word, "Don't," is missing. With that in mind, you should still be able to enjoy...

2. Feast of Love. There about 4,812 sex scenes in this chick flick, some even with Selma Blair, but none of them are as hot as the first five seconds of this one... against the glass in the rain... ah...

1. The Notebook. Wow... should this movie have been rated NC-17 or what? Not that we're complaining...

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Jamie Bell's First Sex Scene Marred By Boner

We Boiled Mena Suvari's Sex Movie Down To Its Most Watchable Moments

Kate Moss: Unplugged, Uncensored, Uncovered

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Top 5 Kate Winslet Sex Scenes

While You Were Sleeping: Slamming The Gates Of The Playboy Mansion

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Maybe it's because of our sleep deprivation, but for some reason, this story is hilarious: a gay pirate radio station is disrupting Hong Kong's air traffic control.

Thanks a lot, Alec: the greatest Baldwin is writing in roles for the lesser-known Baldwins in his new movie about the family.

Believe it or not, video games, even Grand Theft Auto, save lives:

Karen Norris, of Streator, will say no such thing. Not after her quick-witted 11-year-old daughter, Audrey Plique, sprung to the rescue of their family because a popular video game showed a potential danger of a vehicle rollover.
"She just knew, from playing 'Grand Theft Auto.' She saw on there that when a car rolls over, it can blow up. She knew that could happen to us," Norris said.

Take that, Tipper Gore.

The man accused of ramming the Playboy mansion gates says he's innocent. Dude, the correct plea is "can ya blame me?"

It was already hard enough to tell these two guys apart without them both being on My Name Is Earl.

"Nicholas Cage encouraged to take acting overseas"-- please, and take Ghost Rider with you.

Hey, at least Tom Cruise thinks Tom Cruise is funny.

And the world's annoying political saga has come to an end: the Mayor of Detroit finally admits that he knew all along he had no chance in hell of surviving his recent scandals and has pleaded guilty. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick who, as the McCain would love to pointlessly point out, is an Obama supporter, has now given up his office, and will proceed directly to jail. Eventually.

Related:

Yay! More Politicians Go Down in Flames!

Tom Cruise As Don Corleone

Top 10 Places To Have Sex... This Week

Tom Cruise As Don Corleone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 20:50:00 GMT

Don't worry, we're not talking about the Godfather Part IV. It's actually the basis of a major, 250-million-dollar federal racketeering suit against the Church of Scientology that names Tom Cruise as the Don Vito of the modern era...

According to the New York Daily News, Tom Cruisader is named as one of the heads of the Mafia-like family known as the Cult of Scientology by Peter Letterese, a former Scientologist, who is using the RICO statues against Tom and co., naming them in his $250 mil suit in a Florida court. The suit claims, for starters,

that members of the church harassed him after he left... a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer's wife answered, said he was her husband's homosexual lover.

Wait, we thought the Church hated the gays... why would they say that? They're so goofy/kooky, those alien worshipers. Anyway, did you guys see Godfather 2?

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

How much you wanna bet that, despite the general good idea of trying the Church for conspiracy and fraudulent activities, this is not going to make it to a verdict? And by that we mean, the suit is not only thrown out but all records of it, including this blog post, are charred and incinerated?

Via the Daily News.

Related:

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Ex-Scientologist: It's Time To Strike Back

While You Were Sleeping: The Last True Supermodel

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Anne Hathaway's karaoke song is rather fitting, don't you think?

The incident with his mom and sister was apparently not the only one during Christian Bale's wild Friday.

A list of the top Hollywood bachelors that in any way involves Ryan Seacrest is invalidated automatically.

Guy answers call from the cops on his cell phone by saying: "Dude, I can't talk, I'm being chased by the police," and hanging up.

Speaking of police, they arrested a man for stealing money from a fountain in a Florida mall. His total haul? 42 cents.

You're not gonna believe who Forbes magazine thinks is the best investment in Hollywood. (You were right if you said "whoever it is, it's definitely not Tom Cruise.")

And Naomi Campbell says she wasn't the "last true supermodel":

"Models need to earn their stripes - I just think the term is used a little too loosely.
"Kate Moss is obviously a supermodel but, after Gisele [Bundchen], I don't think there's been one."

Via IMDB.

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: What's Your Karaoke Song?

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Sloppy Seconds: Update On The Christian Bale Story

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Rumor Mongering (or Simple Math): Is Naomi Campbell's Vagina Infected?

UPDATE: Link fixed.

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Ina Maier — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Seriously! There is no human explanation for how a woman who popped out a fully formed being less than two weeks ago is able to look like this.

This is Nicole at over 7 months pregnant, and well, yesterday. White, low-rise, skinny jeans?

We'd say congratulations on the new baby but we're too busy wondering about the physical logistics of this transformation. The only answer we can come up with either involves Tom Cruise and aliens, or that there was never any baby. Either of which might explain why they rejected the big bucks for baby photos. Some of you might say that's good parenting, we say: are you fucking kidding me?

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Emily Farris — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Because if so, that would be kind-of great. Not that using your kid to wage a media war against your ex-husband is something to be proud of, but considering Nicole's ex is Tom Cruise, and he is bat-shit crazy, we'd be pretty impressed.

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” at source told Scoop. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Unfortunately, we don't buy that theory.

We're more likely to believe that Kidman and Urban picked out the name Sunday long before the Monday she was born, because Urban has apparently had already written a song by the same name about the baby.

[Scoop via Jossip]

Related:

Nicole Kidman Pregnancy, Confirmed Therefore it Is

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

25 Years of Tom Cruise Being A Self-Important Jackass Went By So Quickly

Catch the Tom Cruise Scientology Video Before LRH's Goons Start Breaking Servers

Tom Cruise Likes Katie Holmes in a Suit..Oh, Right, and "a Mini"

Someone Stop The Remakes!

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:05:00 GMT

So what if "Rain Man" is going to be a West End play and the Sherlock Holmes movie is based on the books? These two movies have casting choices that cry Hollywood desperation of the lowest order...

Yesterday, Variety announced two potential casting choices for the Sherlock Holmes comedy Judd Aptow is working on. Despite the fact that we wish Hollywood would come up with original ideas instead of just recycling everything, this admittedly does have hysterical written all over it. An as-yet-untitled film that

will star Sacha Baron Cohen as master detective Sherlock Holmes and Will Ferrell as Watson, his crime-solving partner.

The comedy is inspired by Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes tales. Though the thrust is different, the Baron Cohen-Ferrell pairing is the second major studio project featuring the supersleuth, as Warner Bros. is prepping the Anthony Peckham-scripted drama "Sherlock Holmes" with director Guy Ritchie.

So a goofy Sherlock Holmes and a violent crime version of Sherlock Holmes on speed? It remains to be seen whether either of these ideas will work.

Meanwhile, Variety also reported

Josh Hartnett will make his West End debut toplining a new stage adaptation of "Rain Man" that begins perfs in London later this summer.
Hartnett plays the Tom Cruise character in the legit version of 1988 pic "Rain Man," with Brit thesp Adam Godley ("The Pillowman") co-starring as the autistic savant played onscreen by Dustin Hoffman.

Wait a minute... "Rain Man?" The one where two guys drive across the country, make pit stops in Vegas, have naked times with Valerie Golino, and featuring a climactic moment that involves a moving train? How the hell are they going to make that a play? What's next, "No Country For Old Men" is going to be a Broadway musical? And why is Josh Hartnett involved?!

Sorry, we're getting a little carried away. We'll live. But Hollywood, please make some movies that are funny and not from endlessly-adapted books and moves that are interesting and thought-provoking and not remakes of award-winning, near-perfect films from after we were born.

Thank you.

Via Variety and Variety.

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.