Scanner : toilet

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Son of the Montauk Monster!

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

Sloppy Seconds: Because Breast Milk is Cheaper Than Cow's Milk?

Emily Farris — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

HBO is developing a new show called "Women's Studies." And we all know what that means. [AfterEllen]

Author JG Ballard, perhaps best known for his book "Empire of the Sun" is dead at 78. [Yahoo!]

If Pulitzer Prize winners are being laid off, is there any hope for us? [Portfolio]

Tennis star Andy Roddick married his girlfriend Brooklyn Decker on Friday. [People]

Though we never had the fear ourselves, we've always understood why certain kids were afraid of the toilet. Now kids everywhere have even more reason to steer clear of the porcelain sucking machine after a three-year-old got her foot stuck in the handle of one (how that happens we don't know) and firefighters had to rescue her. [Telegraph]

Grey's Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo is preggers. [Us]

Food made with breast milk is all the rage these days. Maybe it has to do with the price of cow's milk going up? Anyway, the newest breast milk product is cheese. A recent art exhibit in London featured the product. [APP]

Related:

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

Breast Milk: To Suckle Or Not To Suckle

[Image]

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

While You Were Sleeping: Mickey Rourke's Wrestling Career

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

Related:

Tickle Me Emo: Male Rocker RealDoll

Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Sloppy Seconds: Job-Sanctioned Sex

English Baroness is a Freaky Prankster

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Here's a new one: a guy caught jerking off near a couple of teenage girls says he was only giving himself "a groin massage." Bonus quote: "I haven't had an erection in the last ten years."

Here's another excuse for you: "Honey, I have to leave the toilet seat up, lest it fall on our young son's penis."

The Arcade Fire may be preparing to release a DVD.

Sherman Alexie's book "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian," a well-deserved National Book Award Winner, has been banned in an Oregon school after one parent complained. Their issue with the book?

[Hank] Moss, reached today by The Oregonian, said the book includes "a reference about masturbation, and that it's ok and no big deal." He added that he felt it was "inappropriate."

Hey, Hank! Find us any book taught at a high school in the United States and we'll find something in it that you'd find "inappropriate." Let me guess, you think the Bible is an "appropriate" book for children?

We hope she rots in the hell her victims believe in: a woman used her four-year-old daughter as bait to rip off generous churches.

Scores may blame the failing New York economy on its recent decision to shut down, but it also have avoided letting prostitutes do business inside its walls.

Jeremy Piven lost Barack Obama's phone number. How come, in an age where cell phones snyc to computers and all computers have address books, people still lose phone numbers?

And the original Luke Skywalker light saber went for $240,000.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Playboy's Presidential Sex Quiz A Welcome Distraction From Boring Obama Stories

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 18:40:00 GMT

The first U.S. president known to have been caught cheating on his wife was James Garfield. After finding out about the smutty letters he had written to an 18 year-old New York woman named Calhoun, his wife accused him of:

A. “abusing the executive privilege”
B. “sloppy penmanship, atrocious grammar and poor syntax”
C. “lawless passion”
D. “getting jiggy with that tenement trash”

And so it begins, Playboy's excellent time-waster on sex and the Presidents of the United States... find out the answer to this and several other quiz questions, after the jump...

TMI, Gennifer, TMI! Oh wait, this is William J. Clinton we're talking about here... do continue...

“I’ve had more women by accident than he’s had on purpose.”

A. George W. Bush about his dad
B. George H.W. Bush about his son
C. Lyndon Johnson about JFK
D. Franklin D. Roosevelt about Hitler

“Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?”

A. Martin Van Buren to a stranger in the next toilet stall
B. John F. Kennedy to Marilyn Monroe
C. Woodrow Wilson to Ellen Wilson
D. George Washington to Martha Washington

Check out the rest here... and let us know how you did... and by the way, if you didn't know the identity of the President rumored to have a four-year gay relationship (Abraham Lincoln), we don't even know what to say...

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

While You Were Sleeping: Oh, Jeebus... Guess Who's Pregnant Again?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Remember the woman who was allegedly stuck to a toilet for a couple years? Her boyfriend, although charged with a host of crimes in the case, still has time to go out and win the lottery... twice.

We've been waiting for more, um, developments in this case, but nevermind: a Playboy pinup testified in Federal court in the semi-well-known "suitcase full of $800,000" trial.

We absolutely love Nick Nolte. He is a badass without even trying. Check out what he did yesterday:

Nick suffered from "minor smoke inhalation," after attempting to fight a fire with a garden hose at his Malibu home Tuesday, an inspector at the L.A. County Fire Department confirms...

The actor, 67, took action after an electrical malfunction started the blaze in his home office, inspector Ron Haralson told Us. The fire department responded at 11:34 a.m., as TMZ.com first reported.

He didn't run out of the house screaming for help-- he fought that fire until his already-tar-and-smoke-filled lungs couldn't take it anymore. Nice work.

If this is real, then McCain is doomed: one supporter(?) claims to have received a prepaid FedEx return envelope from the McCain campaign asking for a donation. This is either the most desperate fundraising pitch ever or the most ingenious... possibly both.

Speaking of McCain, did you enjoy Tom Brokaw last night? Check him out here, talking about previous electoral campaigns. Pretty interesting.

Cameron Diaz reveals why her relationships don't work out:

"I'm a spoiled brat."

And... well isn't this wonderful? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

Related:

Justin Timberlake: Bringing Matrimony Back?

Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

While You Were Sleeping: The Tim Gunn Lawsuit

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Russians Worship The Enema

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Only in Russia can the unveiling of an 800 pound monument to the enema be considered a cultural event.

A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk. The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."

Eww-- and you're bragging about that being your symbol? Yikes.

Apparently, this part of Russia has a plethora of spa's that use what we think is "digestive bloodletting"-- in other words, freshwater-based enemas. Having those three Botticelli angels carrying the big bronze prize are the real kicker for us-- we're not at all religious, but that's just sacrilege.

Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa on Wednesday. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas," an allusion to a line from "The Twelve Chairs" ...was posted on one of the spa's walls.

Via WTOP News/Reddit.

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

A thirty-one-year-old man, who luckily has not been named in AP reports and has therefore escaped eternal shame, had to be pried from a Port-A-Potty this week by an entire Pennsylvania rescue crew.

Of course, there's more:

Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.
Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."

We're not sure, but rumor has it that he was at a Hannah Montana show, where the sight of a Miley Cyrus backless photo sent him into a fit of sexual mania. Okay, we made that up, but we're really not sure why this guy was gluing himself to Port-A-Potty while drunk and naked. In an unrelated story, the woman glued to her Kansas toilet seat for two years proposed marriage via carrier pigeon.

Talk about adding insult to injury. After freeing the poor boozer, they charged him with public drunkenness and violating the health code (for the nudie part, of course.)

Via the AP.

Previously: Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Does Not Get Dumped.

Sloppy Seconds: How One Man Got-R-Dun

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 21:44:00 GMT

New New York Governor David Paterson may owe his campaign fund $103.87 in principal and interest for monies borrowed during his extra-marital trysts. The Scanner collection plate is headed your way. We can all afford to throw in a few bucks to keep this guy around, right?

A man apparently hanged himself yesterday on a construction site owned by actor/ director/ Christian crusader Mel Gibson. Maybe he thought that he was closer to Jesus on Gibson-owned property?

How did Floyd Beebs come to have "Git-R-Dun" tattooed on his forehead?

Why, he did lots of crystal meth, of course.

Charges have been filed against the Kansas man who allowed his girlfriend to sit on the toilet for two years straight. "The only thing I am guilty of is I didn't get her help sooner," he told the press. Um, yes.

Not only is it the first day of spring, it's Wear a Sweater Day, in honor of Mr. Rogers' 80th birthday. We're going to put on a light cardigan and make the most of this beautiful day.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Fall in Love With Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:33:00 GMT

There were a few things that happened this week that didn't have anything to do with soon-to-be-former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high class hooker, but we were all pretty much focused on one thing this week, and her name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Highs:

We were pleasantly surprised by Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

We found out that she is hot, hot, hot.

She tossed his salad. Yup.

She made the cover of the New York Post (hot).

Ill Doctrine made a mash up of Ahsley's "What We Want" and Snoop Dogg's "Sensual Seduction."

Highs That Have Nothing to do With the Spitzer Sex Scandal:

We found a hot picture of Jessica Simpson. And we really, really want to play Big Buck Hunter 2.

We Named That Bush.

We'll see you in Amsterdam. Oh, yes we will.

Lows:

We were all pretty surprised when the news first broke that Spitzer had dropped thousands on a prostitute.

We decided this whole Spitzer ordeal would be so much better if he'd just plain old cheated on his wife. Or legalized prostitution when he had the chance.

Of course, he resigned.

Lows That Have Nothing to do With the Spitzer Sex Scandal:

Britney Spear's cartoon video. Meh.

A woman stayed on the toilet for two years. Which made us fall in love with our expensive toilet paper all over again.

We lost a nostril and a boob.

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was released from a Florida prison. Hide your boobies!

White supremacists.

If we weren't already going to hell, we certainly are now.

Sally Kern. (P.S. Satire, anyone?)

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Charmin Ultra Strong

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 13:39:00 GMT

Oh, Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper with Diamond Weave texture, why do you have to feel so good? You're strong and sensitive, yet not mealy in the least; when I'm done with you, you leave no trace. I can forget about you until I need you again.

But, Charmin Ultra Strong, you come with a price. And I'm not just talking about the $4.99 price tag you were sporting last time I picked you up at the bodega.

No, you're deceiving. You look big and substantive, because you're so thick. But whittle away a few layers of your cushy façade, and I'm sometimes left stranded, dirty and desperate. Out of nowhere! And now that I think about it, you only really come around when I'm doing well, financially. You always make me think you're in it for the long haul, but like a scared little boy, you run out just when I need you most. These are the times I turn to Scott. He may be cheap, and he may not treat me as well as you do when we're alone, but at least he's reliable. Even when I'm broke, he's there.

All your faults aside, I just can't let you go, Charmin Ultra Strong. Because if I ever lose my shit, I'll be the type to spend two years on the toilet, as opposed to jumping off a bridge or smoking crack. And Scott will only make my life more miserable. It will be those private moments between us that keep me going, Charmin. So in the end, I'm glad to have you on my side.

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:30:00 GMT

We dare you to beat the headline for this story of the woman in Kansas (not Kansas City, Scanner Emily) who perched on her boyfriend's toilet for two uninterrupted years. We'd like to know not only how she managed to survive this ordeal but how she was able to maintain an ongoing, healthy relationship with the man whose toilet she was hogging.

The unidentified woman kept telling her unidentified boyfriend that she might leave the bathroom "tomorrow," but didn't until this week, when he finally reported her to authorities. We're assuming this woman is very much in the John Nash way-- meaning, she has greater issues than the world's most brutal case of constipation.

Finally, Googling "woman + toilet" every four minutes has paid off, as we came across this story last night on the AP wire:

it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

Next time, would someone please invite us to the press conference so we can ask the following burning questions:

1. Where did the boyfriend shit?

2. What did it feel like to have a toilet growing out of your ass?

3. Who is this fuckin' loser?! And no, we don't mean the woman who refused to piss or get off the pot. Clearly, the boyfriend does not think he can do better than a woman who blocks up his sewage pipe, earns no money while he works (we're assuming), and waited for twenty-four months before notifying the police that his relationship was in deep shit.

4. Assuming they had sex during this two year "shit-in," shall we say, how did they... wait, nevermind, we don't want to know.

More about this amazing story and its ongoing developments... via Yahoo!

[Thanks to Marco for his assistance.]

George Clooney, Live from the Crapper

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 18:57:00 GMT

More often than not, videos we find on YouTube are fun because they're regular people doing irregular things. But get the right combination of famous faces in the right setting and it somehow works: