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As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

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Today in WTF: Crying Japanese Sumo Baby Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 21:32:00 GMT

We'd heard about this from friends of ours that had lived in Japan, but we couldn't imagine it was an annual event... or that it took place in multiple cities, with throngs of onlookers actually enjoying babies crying at deafening volumes.

Thankfully, LiveLeak has video to go with our story...

The festival translates as "Baby Cry-sumo" and participants are sat facing each other on tiny wrestling mats, then given some a reason to cry about it. The baby that cries the loudest is declared the winner and is considered blessed with health and happiness. Or something.

What weirded us out the most is all the laughing, smiling locals and tourists standing around the screamfest. How the hell can they stand all that? When we're in a restaurant with these monsters, we ask to move to another table, preferably by the kitchen, where the chef's screaming usually drowns out all others and bring us the health and happiness we were seeking.

Is this child abuse or the next Fox reality show, starring fat white Americans? Unfortunately, we'd guess both.

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Today In WTF: Prison Officer Tasers Children On "Take Your Kids To Work" Day

Ina Maier — Mon, 04 May 2009 22:32:00 GMT

No, that headline is not a joke. And no, the taser was not an extra-special, just-for-kids mini-taser, nor was it a fake taser, nor was it even one of those electro-shock collars people put on their dogs yappy / disobedient dogs, because it wasn't a taser at all. It was, in fact, a stun gun which, to clarify, requires direct contact with the body and which delivers a whopping 50,000 volt shock which, in this case, "sent at least two of [the children] sprawling to the floor, crying out in pain and clutching at agonising burns on their arms."

Where did this happen? Florida, of course!

The kicker in all this is the choice quote from the since terminated prison guard (emphasis ours):

'It wasn't intended to be malicious, but educational...The big shock came when I got fired.'

How big of a shock, exactly, was it? Was it, for argument's sake, a 50,000 volt shock? Or more like a 36,000 volt shock? No, really. We're dying to know.

[via]

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Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

We really had to check secondary sources to substantiate this one.

A couple of thirtysomethings were arrested for having sex outside Windsor Castle, while the freakin' Queen of England was kickin' it old school inside. You won't believe what they got away with during an amazing twenty-minute romp in the garden while untold numbers of tourists and pedestrians cheered them on...

Police say the unnamed pair had sex on a private sliver of grass while Japanese tourists filmed them on their Handycams or whatever. People on the street pointed camera phones and flash photographs were taken. The duo did the nasty without interruption for twenty minutes before the Royal Protection Squad finally figured out what was up. Great to know the Queen has a top surveillance system in place these days.

It doesn't even seem like they have been charged with a crime-- the couple were released after a sobering night in jail and "cautioned" not to give the Queen a thrill like that again. Most outrageous of all, observers say, is that the couple violated a "Keep Off the Grass" sign. We're not joking.

Some info sourced from the Telegraph.

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Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

I don't quite understand what's up with Missouri lately. Last year, we elected a Democratic governor while somehow still going for McCain in the presidential election. Here in Kansas City we're trying to recall our mayor and now legislators in my home state want to make sure that women are never coerced into abortion—because if a woman could choose such a terrible thing, she must have been coerced, right? And if you are guilty of coercing a woman into abortion, you could receive felony conviction. Yes, a new bill being passed through the legislature creates the vague crime of "coercing an abortion."

[I]f a woman has experienced threats of having a scholarship for higher education at a public or private institution revoked because she is pregnant; threats of employment discrimination or termination if she continues her pregnancy; stalking, assault or domestic assault. Many of the people with whom I discussed HCS HB 46 & 434 were initially supportive until they looked beneath the surface. The bill would make physicians and anyone assisting them criminals for helping women obtain an abortion "with knowledge" that the woman has been "coerced" and would prohibit the woman from consenting to an abortion as the "victim of a coerced abortion."

Here's an example of this proposed law in action.

Consider a woman who is pregnant as the result of rape who, with her doctor, decides that an abortion is the best course of action. Imagine that rape survivor also mentions to her doctor that her boyfriend agrees with her decision, but has been aggressive with her about it. With HB46, now the doctor must turn the situation over to the government which mandates that the doctor label that rape survivor a "victim of coerced abortion" who "lacks the consent required by law."

Wait, what? Next thing you know, women will be sent to jail for coercing themselves into having abortions. But if they can't manage send us to jail, at least they can go to sleep knowing we're going straight to hell.

[RH Reality Check via Jezebel]

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Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

O, hai. Have we missed the point of Omegle, the site that lets you talk to strangers without even signing up? We thought it was to have a random chat with no strings, no worrying about what you say, no... nothing? But apparently, like every other aspect of our lives, we are still worse at finding love than everyone else on the planet. Or at least we're worse than this Chicago girl, who thinks she may have found her special someone on Omegle.

Oh, sweetie. We should probably tell you that your Kansas City boy is actually this guy:

[Craigslist]

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Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 17:13:00 GMT

A blog covering the town of Burien, Washington, which is near Seattle and has a mere 31,000 residents, announced yesterday that a strip club is moving into a space that once housed an Office Depot. Normally, we could care less about this development, except our eyes fell straight to the words "strippers on Segways..."

Of course, it's definitely an April Fool's joke.

What, we can't goof on ya just because April Fool's Day was yesterday? Listen, we don't need no stinkin' calendar to tell us when to have a laugh at the world's expense. Plus, there's not much else happening right now except news stories about how everyone was duped by news stories yesterday (yeah, right-- the world's bullshit detector is always on high alert for 4/1.)

Here's the bizarre and obvious passage:

The new club, to be called “Red Light Runners” will... feature the latest trend in adult entertainment - Strippers on Segways.
“In this economy, you take what you can get,” said Real Estate agent Fred Nathanian, who brokered the deal. “But what would you rather have - an empty building with no tax revenue, or a hopping high-tech girly bar with lots of cashflow, especially in the form of neatly-folded ones and fives?”

“Red Light Runners” is owned by Frank “Red” Flexxxamaria, an “entertainment agent” who has built a successful chain of Segway clubs in the Portland area.

“Burien needs some adult fun, doncha tink?” Colamaria said while chewing a cigar and showing off the new club’s recently-installed polystyrene dance track. “Not only will Red Light Runners have a wholesome, high-tech all-nude adult club, we’ll have a first-class all-beef and hardcrust-bread restaurant, free wi-fi, a sexy drive-thru espresso stand, 10-cent color copy happy hours on a Brother CDW-4070 wireless laser printer weekdays from 4-7pm, strippers and servers on Segways, and a fun, dark and cozy Daycare Center for the kids. Now you find me another place like dat around here…”

Amazingly enough, even with quotes from a guy with three x's in his name, some commenters were worried it was real:

-This is an april fool's joke right? Absolutely ridiculous.

-I hope this is an April Fools Joke also? This would be terrible for Burien!

-Gosh I hope this is an April Fools joke too...yikes....empty space beats a strip joint any day.
-why would it be bad for burien ????......i'm sure it is an april fools joke...but if not the girlfriend and i will be there..............(crossing fingers)

Us, too, buddy... although minus the girlfriend aspect...

Via B-Townblog.

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Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

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Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

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Today in WTF?: Man Pours Chili on His Pregnant Girlfriend

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

Domestic disturbances are getting really, um, disturbing lately. First there was the woman who handcuffed herself to her husband and then bit the shit out of him because she wanted to talk and now we hear the story of a man who poured chili on his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want to go to the other room to watch TV.

The 26-year-old victim told investigators her boyfriend, with whom she has two children and is nine weeks pregnant, came home Thursday evening and wanted to watch TV in their bedroom.

Boyfriend Edd M. Johnson, 21, is accused of kicking the TV and breaking it after she asked that he watch TV in the other room of the residence in the 2900 block of Southeast Delmar Street. The victim went to slice the power cord of the other TV with scissors when police said Johnson grabbed her neck and pulled her away.

The victim called her sister, who called the sheriff’s office. She grabbed her kids and got in her vehicle when Johnson came out with a can of chili.

“Edd also grabbed at (the victim’s) bra which tore off of her,” the report states. “Edd then poured the chili into the vehicle over the drivers seat of the vehicle and on (the vicitm)”

Deputies noted a “brown liquid substance” over the driver’s seat and on the left side of the victim’s face and ear. The 10-month-old child also had some in her hair.

Ew.

One would think that in these tough economic times we should be hoarding non-perishable chili, not using it as a weapon.

[TCPalm: Stuart man accused of pouring chili on girlfriend during argument]

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[Image]

Today in WTF: Burying Fetishes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:50:00 GMT

Have you ever heard of a burial fetish? You have now... and you're about to discover more about it than you ever wanted to...

Readers alerted us to a website for an independent film production company in Massachusetts that churns out "Damsel in Distress" videos, often featured bound-and-gagged women laying on train tracks or-- and this is what caught our attention-- buried up to their necks in dirt and mud.

For their troubles, these "actresses" are paid the following wages:

So, if you just want to do a simple feature, sinking up to the neck (and likely getting rescued!!), you would receive $25 for the feature, for about 60-70 minutes of your time. We supply all the clothing you need, except for what you wear underneath (we recommend a simple bathing suit--one that you don’t mind getting dirty).

If you want to do a full submergence sinking (your head goes completely under), you will receive $50 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Again, we supply the clothing, except what you wear underneath--again, we recommend that you bring your own bathing suit.

Should you wish to bring your own outfit for the video shoot, we'll pay $10 extra to cover your cleaning. Outfits would have to be either a skirt with a top, or a dress, plus your own shoes (no sneakers). Lingerie is also possible, but no pants. We're assuming you have outfits you don't really wear anymore that would get tossed anyways. So, you will receive $35 for sinking up to your neck and bringing your own outfit.

Finally, if you want to wear your own clothes, and go completely under, then you would receive $60 for about 60-70 minutes of your time. Note that, for some of the story lines (for instance, the ruthless queen of an Egyptian Pharoah, who meets her deserving end in the shifting sands of the desert) will require special costumes--which we will provide for you. We would not expect any actress to have this type of attire.

This film company is catering to a market that includes visitors to... well. Actually, we couldn't find any "burying fetish" websites. Perhaps someone could explain to us how this is just a harmless "fetish" and that there's no reason to freak out over people getting off on burying terrified women "up to their necks."

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Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?"

The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on.

In 1992, Steve Charlton was a 23-year-old recent college grad, trying to make his way in the field of biology. One night, he and some friends decided to buy a birthday girl a giant dildo as a present.

His original plan was to drive the dildo to Chicago after the girl left it behind. However, when he realized his parents (who lived there) might see it, he hid it in his car and forgot about. One night, many moons later, he was having his car serviced and, after leaving it at the mechanics, realized what the dudes in the garage were going to find.

Charlton decided to get cash from an ATM and pay under an alias in order to hide shame from his family. Somehow, this also lead to him buying five lotto tickets from the place hosting the ATM, due to some sort of guilt over not making any purchases there.

And the rest is history.

But where is the famed dildo today:

He ended up using his biology degree after all: For five years he's worked in soil and groundwater sampling for an environmental services company.

How he won the lottery doesn't come up too much any more. When it does, Charlton said it's a story best told over beers.

As for the, um, adult toy?

Charlton has it. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it's in a plastic tote in his basement. [Des Moines Register]

Basically, that dildo is worth $2 million, cash. If Charlton isn't using it, we'd like to try it out for good luck.

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 16:13:00 GMT

According to a new study published in the British Journal of Urology International men who subject themselves to devices similar to the torturous one pictured above in hopes of growing their penises actually do grow their penises. And in a pretty big way, if the results are to be believed.

The study followed 21 men in Italy for up to a year as they used penis-enlarging device with "dynamic rods" and—we really can't believe this—some saw a growth of up to 33 percent over six months.

Unfortunately, the entire article is not available for non subscribers but an abstract reported that the average flaccid length at the start was 2.82 inches—after a year, it was 3.72 inches. While there was no increase in girth, erectile function "scores" also improved during the test.

Conclusion? "Penile extenders should be regarded as a minimally invasive and effective treatment option to elongate the penile shaft in patients seeking treatment for a short penis."Iiiinteresting.

If you don't want to see a picture of a penis extender hard at work, don't click here.

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Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:57:00 GMT

If you've just been paroled after a somewhat lengthy prison stay, one that featured no conjugal visits and no reported sex with any female administrative assistants, you're probably about forty times hornier than the average male, who is, on average, forty times hornier than Jacques Casanova after three hits of ecstasy.

So, it's almost-- almost, we emphasize-- understandable that Jason Leroy Savage did something unspeakable with an inanimate object after his release...

It was October 16, 2008, in Thomas Township, Michigan, and the Fill-N-Wash Car Wash (no pun intended, of course) was open for business. According to reports, a police officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" at the business at about 6:45am. Upon arrival, he immediately noticed Savage standing in an "awkward" position near a coin-operated car vacuum machine. As he approached, he noticed Savage's pants were at his ankles and that he was receiving a literal "blow job" from the vacuum cleaner. Savage shrieked, "Oh shit!" and tried to explain... although he mainly ended up just apologizing for his embarrassment at having been caught having sex with a machine.

Savage was apparently on parole for a drug charge, among other minor crimes. He pleaded no contest yesterday and will face sentencing in March.

Original reports are here and the followup is here.

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Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

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Today in WTF: Drunken Negro Face Obama Cookies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:44:00 GMT

"My brother-in-law is Cuban, so there... I'm not racist."

FAIL.

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Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 21:29:00 GMT

We've just been through one of the greatest days in our nation's history, a bold about-face from our racist past. We would feel this way regardless of whether Barack Obama or Condoleezza Rice had taken the oath of office.

But that wakeup call isn't going to make us act any less immature in these pages...

Fleshbot, thankfully, isn't wasting any time with deep brooding and philsophical blog musings. Nope, they headed straight back into gratuitous nipple shots and utter pornographic silliness. Apparently, there are fetishes for everything, even farting. Therefore, the unwritten law states, there must be... fart porn.

Luckily, most of us will laugh and not be entirely grossed out while experiencing this bizarre video, which YouTube has been too busy with other problems, such as HBO copyright claims, to take down for vulgarity:

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Today in WTF: Gay Teens Much More Likely To Get Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:07:00 GMT

A study conducted in Canada, a country you haven't heard of because we haven't invaded it yet, claims that the gay teens are having all the sex that's getting Sarah Palin's daughters pregnant. Does this mean Bristol Palin is a lesbo?

Seriously, though, ten percent of teen girls who claim to be bisexual were pregnant (seven percent of lesbians reported the same), while less than two percent of the three thousand teenage respondents copped to being straight and pregnant.

Researchers guess that the girls "want to create a new family and identify for themselves" and guys may sleep with the gals to show everyone their supposed manliness and to stop the rumor mill.

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Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:38:00 GMT

Anthony Morely, a former Mr. Gay UK winner, was recently convicted of murdering and then eating parts of a magazine executive in the UK. And now, his friend said, he's been given the job of prison chef. A strange idea, until you consider that Morely had the wherewithal to properly season and sauté his victim.

Apparently, Morely slit the throat of Damian Oldfield before cutting off chunks of his body, seasoning them with herbs and frying them in olive oil.

While Morely is sentenced to the kitchen, he won't be allowed to use knives. Maybe he'll work the deep fryer?

"I reckon some of the other inmates might get a bit worried if they knew who was serving up their food but I'd eat it," Morely's friend Michael said. "Whatever he's done, Tony can cook. He's a brilliant chef. They obviously knew about his talent with food so they offered him the chance to work in the canteen... He was really angry that they weren't letting him use any knives. He asked me, 'How the hell am I supposed to do this without knives?'"

Well, we all know that those who can't do teach. So maybe he should spend his newfound free time writing a cannibal cookbook? Oh, sorry. Was that in poor taste? (Har, har.)

[People UK: GAY CANNIBAL KILLER'S JOB AS A PRISON CHEF]

[Image via Gawker]

Today in WTF: Endorsed By...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Above is the top half of an ad released late Thursday night by the McCain campaign. It wasn't until Friday that someone noticed what was horribly, horribly wrong with it. (Hint: making up quotes and then finding someone to attribute them to is beyond stupid.)

The McCain folks were already reeling from the pre-Presidential debate they "accidentally" released saying McCain had won the debate, which McCain hadn't even arrived for yet. Classic.

We have to say this is way funnier...

And the final, "corrected" version, from a woman who seemed far from thrilled with McCain-Palin '08 when on Meet The Press yesterday:

Original image via Mollygood.

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Today In WTF: Man Busted After Remarrying His Ex-Wife... Who Had A Restraining Order Against Him

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Wait a minute... lemme get this straight:

Timothy Cole was hosting a reception following his own wedding at his home in Batavia, New York, with his bride and a couple of friends. Late in the evening, a neighbor called the police and complained about an argument next door. Police arrived at the scene to find Cole fighting with one of his guests over something as innocuous as a chair. They took the groom to the station, whereupon running an arrest record search, they found something hilarious... and disturbing...

According to the Democrat And Chronicle, police found that Cole's

new wife had filed an order of protection against him less than six weeks prior to their wedding.

Though he said he could not go into specifics, Zola said Cole has “an extensive history” with the Batavia Police Department, adding that this is at least the second time that Cole has violated a court order of protection.

Not only that, they discovered the woman is Cole's ex-wife who he had, of course, just married a few hours earlier. We've heard of some terrible wedding nights, but this has got to be one for the history books for all concerned.

Cole was charged with second-degree criminal contempt July 1, meaning that he violated a previous court order. The July 1 order of protection required Cole to stay away from the woman he ended up marrying Friday. The order, which also mandated that he stay away from the woman’s home, school, business and place of employment, was to be in effect until July 1, 2011.

Because Cole violated that order of protection, he was charged with first-degree criminal contempt, a felony offense. His wife was not charged with anything, police said.

Via Democrat And Chronicle.

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How Young Is Too Young?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:21:00 GMT

No, not in that way...

An 11-year boy was arrested for armed robbery... at a Florida Walgreen's... Apparently, our boy took after our favorite Charlie Scene movie* and tried to rob a convenient store last night.

According to FoxnewsOrlando:

The incident started around 3:30am Monday when the youngster entered the Walgreen’s. Police said the boy was able to make it out of the store with a backpack with an undisclosed amount of cash.

“Officers were able to locate and arrest the child approximately five minutes after the robbery occurred.”

Unconfirmed reports has it that the boy led police on a high-speed chase through the playground on his bicycle, no word yet if he was able to have sex with a girl* while riding however.

Orlando Police said the boy did not steal any prescription drugs or medication; only cash.

The child has been charged with commercial robbery.

First of all, what is this kid doing out at 3am? In a sane society we’d also ask why he had access to BB guns, but this is Florida we’re talking about.

The good news is that, according to the police, the boy “did not steal any prescription drugs or medication; only cash.” For a second we were worried he might have an OxyContin addiction.

[Full disclosure: Before you load up your Netflix queue, The Chase is only my favorite Charlie Sheen movie because of a similar experience late one night on the way home from a country bar in Jersey (don’t ask). I was driving my girlfriend’s 1985 Dodge Charger down some dark highway when she decided to hike up her skirt, zip down my fly and climb on top of me. By the time we finished I looked down to notice that my foot had the pedal floored and we climaxed together at 110 mph. I have an affinity for Grease 2 for similar reasons. Otherwise both films are rather forgettable.]

VIDEO: Police: 11-year-old child robbed Walgreen's

-this post was written by substitute blogger Byron Dafoe

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Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:03:00 GMT

There's a Lifetime movie in here somewhere... if the female leads in Lifetime movies were kidnapping rapist beauty pageant winners who fall in love with Mormon missionaries, stalk them for decades, change their names, go on the lam, and turn up in the news in 2008 as the owner of cloned dogs...

Time Magazine broke a story that shows Bernann McKinney, owner of five pitbulls she claims to have have had cloned in Seoul from the ear of her beloved (now deceased) former dog, to be, with a great degree of certainty, none other than wanted bail jumper Joyce McKinney, the former Miss Wyoming.

There is so much goodness here, you're just going to have to settle for the original, full-length piece, although here's a taste in the meantime:

The 27-year-old McKinney was accused in court [in 1977]... of abducting 21-year-old Mormon missionary Kirk Anderson from a church in a London suburb... [where] he was chained to a [cottage] bed and forced to have sex with McKinney for three days. McKinney, once a Mormon herself, was said to have formed a crush on him after they'd first had sex in '75. Anderson tried to break off the relationship but McKinney... stalked him to England where [he'd become a] missionary to escape her attentions.
McKinney claimed that she was trying to rekindle her affair with Anderson using techniques of seduction recommended by... The Joy of Sex.
McKinney told the court that the chains, fur-lined manacles, rope, chloroform and wedding trousseau complete with "pink feathers and see-through nighties" were all props for the bondage sessions she planned for [him.] "We had such a fun time — just like old times," McKinney told the court in her native North Carolina drawl. "I love him so much that I would ski naked down Mount Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to," she added. Such sexual frankness rather stuck out in a magistrates court in sedate, suburban Surrey, England, in those days.

For his part, Anderson claimed that he'd been kidnapped at gunpoint, forced to have sex while chained to the bed (and twice more unchained), and that, despite being six foot four and 240 lbs., had never resisted. "I had made a plan for my release," Anderson testified, "but it wasn't through running away. I was going to cooperate." Even after his ordeal, when McKinney and May drove him back to London and a long lunch in Trafalgar Square, he still cooperated.

We call bullshit on that last paragraph-- the entire paragraph. Anyway, there is some plausibility to this story; McKinney then went on the run with a friend who was also involved in the kidnapping, ending up in police custody in Atlanta, although she was released because her case was felt to be unworthy of an extradition order. In 1984, McKinney was busted again, this time in Utah, outside Anderson's office, with rope and handcuffs in her car. "Consensual," my ass. Soon after, all traces of her disappear... until...

In Seoul... [she] denied... that she is one and the same Joyce McKinney who is still technically a fugitive from British justice... Both [McKinney and Bernann] are former beauty queens, both often use a wheelchair, both owned a pitbull. And on the voter's register of Avery County, the North Carolina birthplace of the onetime Miss Wyoming, there is listed one Joyce Bernann McKinney. A clone perhaps?

Via Time.

Today in WTF: 10 Year Arrested For Defending Self... With Pea Shooter

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:29:00 GMT

The NYPD didn't kill anyone this time, but they did harm a ten-year-old boy and are about to be sued for millions in taypayer dollars.

Anor Frank, a schoolkid from Staten Island, had been terrorized on the school bus by older, bigger kids, including a girl who stomped his chest. Rather than shoot, stab, or take some other nasty revenge, he decided to get them back in what he thought would be a mild manner...

On Wednesday, Anor was minding his own business on the bus when one his regular bullies began to bug him.

"I said, 'OK, leave me alone,' and he was still bothering me like pushing me around, and I just shot him. I didn't mean to shoot him. I was trying to get him to leave me alone," Annor said. [CBS]

But Anor didn't fire a handgun at the boy. He had rigged his homemade pea shooter to fire harmless objects, and he pulled the toy out and fired it at the bully. Of the many news outlets that have covered this story so far, not one of them has mentioned that the bully received medical treatment or was in any way harmed by the shot. Nonetheless, the "victim's" family agreed that Anor should be arrested.

Meanwhile, the ten-year-old was handcuffed and arrested, taken to the station, and connected to a chair. When Uncle Emmanuel arrived, he found the boy crying from the pain and a disinterested officer filling out paperwork. After being charged with assault and reckless endangerment, Anor was taken to the emergency room because of the brutal handcuffing and now the family will likely sue the city of New York for millions.

Here's the full video which may give you a better idea as to the inanity of Anor's arrest:

Via CBS and other sources.

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Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:20:00 GMT

This is such a crazy clusterfuck of a court case, we're going to do something we almost never do: take the entire article relaying the facts of the case and present them to you, without abbreviation. You have to read every word to get the full picture...

Having sex with a drunken 14-year-old he had plied with alcohol was not a criminal offence by [a] former Calgary man, a judge ruled yesterday.
Justice Peter McIntyre said there was insufficient evidence the girl didn't consent to having sex with Trevor Byron Niebergall.
But McIntyre did find Niebergall guilty of sexual assault for placing his genitals on the girl's face after she passed out -- an act the offender captured on his cellphone camera and showed to co-workers.
McIntyre said the fact the teenage complainant didn't remember her sexual encounter with Niebergall at a December 2005 New Year's Eve party did not mean she hadn't consented.

He noted one witness said she appeared to have the capacity to consent when she and Niebergall went to a washroom in his brother's apartment, where they had sex. And the Queen's Bench judge said the girl willingly consumed large amounts of alcohol supplied by Niebergall even after he made lewd sexual comments.

Hold it! Let's break it down: there was insufficient evidence she didn't consent (rather than the other way around)... he put his dick on her face when she was asleep (but apparently that's not painting a picture for the judge of a pervert here)... she didn't remember having sex but still was somehow sober enough to consent... she was not too drunk to walk to a bathroom, which apparently means she was okay to operate sexual machinery... okay, okay, he was found guilty of assaulting her with that whole penis thing, so we'll say no more for now.

She said on three occasions the accused said he would drink with her if she performed a sexual act on him.
"The accused's lewd comments towards her did not compel her to leave," the judge said. "The complainant was not forced to consume alcohol -- she drank ... beer willingly and then switched to alcohol. It is not at all clear why she drank so heavily."

Because she was a drunk fourteen-year-old girl hanging out with older men and did not leave before they screwed her, there's no crime. Also, beer is not alcohol?

Niebergall, then 19, showed photographs of the teen, naked and passed out, to co-workers the following day, bragging he had had sex with her six times.

Nope, no punishment or even a charge for displaying this photo without permission.

But in his testimony he said they only had sex twice, one in the bathroom and later when other partygoers had left and both times with her consent.

Ha ha. Well, at least he couldn't exaggerate the size of his manhood, since it's in the picture.

McIntyre said because the girl drank so heavily and had little recollection of events at the party, he could not accept her claim she didn't agree to have sex.
"Her evidence was not reliable after she started drinking," he said.
Crown prosecutor Susan Kennedy said a 45- to 60-day jail term is warranted for the incident which occurred after the teen passed out.
Defence lawyer Pat Flynn has requested a pre-sentence report before making his full submissions. The case returns to court on Oct. 14.

We understand that drunkenness taints the case and the fact that the girl doesn't remember what happened really hurts the prosecution's chances of a conviction for anything, but that still doesn't mean we like the verdict.

Remember that, girls-- there's a new sheriff in town. Drink so much as a beer and get violated in every orifice (sorry for that imagery), the courts won't be there to protect you.

Via The Calgary Sun.

Today in WTF: Boy Survives Being Caged, Skinned and Eaten By His Family

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:15:00 GMT

Warning: if you have young children in the room — hey, they shouldn't be reading Scanner at all! Um, if you're a bad parent and have young children in the room, and they generally read Scanner, they shouldn't be reading this. But actually, if you have young children in the room who are reading this, we'll forgive you because you're not a bad parent compared to the mother in the Czech Republic who kept her young sons in a cage while family members skinned them and ate their raw flesh (and your kids should not have just read that).

Ms Mauerova, a member of the Grail Movement cult, caged [her son] Ondrej for months while relatives, also members of the cult, ate his raw flesh, a judge heard yesterday.

The court in Brno heard the family sexually abused the boys and made them cut themselves with knives.

The boys said they were kept in cages or handcuffed to tables and made to stand for days in their own urine.

The abuse was discovered when a man living nearby installed a TV monitor to keep watch on his newborn baby.

Instead of pictures of his newborn he was confronted by live images of Ondrej naked in the cellar — beaten and chained, The Sun
reported.

Sorry we made you read that. And we take back everything we ever said about anyone being a bad parent. Ever. This is by far one of the most terrible things we've ever heard of.

[News.au.com: Boy 'skinned, eaten by family']

Today in WTF: The Hipster Streetfighting Revolution

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 May 2008 20:43:00 GMT

We saw this on Gothamist and can't figure out what the hell it means. Are the Fight Club fanatics and wannabes taking it to the streets now, bored of duking it out with their multiple personalities in bar basements across the nation? Are hipsters finally getting into thuggery, as the Old Guard in the Fifties feared they would?

New York City, which has police everywhere, including dozens of plainclothes in Union Square at any given moment, seems an unlikely place for people to get away with this sort of thing. (For those who don't know the Square, think of someone getting away with an illegal boxing match in a smaller version of Times Square and you'll get the idea.)

I got another cryptic text from a friend last Friday afternoon: “Fight Club in Union Square. GET HERE.”

For those who don’t live in New York, Union Square has historically been a giant meeting place for political protesters, social activists, and merchants of all sizes. In the days following September 11th, it was a meeting place for rescuers and mourners alike. Now it’s home to a multiplex, Ann Taylor Loft, a Whole Foods, and a Diesel store.

We know this isn't permitted because of this choice line, and the original post's final one:

Street fighting is a million times cooler than anything on TV has ever been, and New York’s the only city in America where a bunch of guys fight in public all weekend long while the cops watch and approve.

Read more at Gothamist or the original blog.

Today in WTF?: Checking for Two Penises

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:11:00 GMT

Best or worst job ever: checking alleged drug abusers for two penises?

Authorities in northern Sweden have discovered that some drug abusers have been using false penises to help them submit fake urine samples.

Private physician Leo Hassler said that he had changed his procedures for patients coming to give urine samples. If they needed a clean sample to retain their driving licence, for example, the doctor said he made sure to double check the authenticity of the patient's organ.
"Ever since I became aware of this false penis cheating method I check their underpants to ensure there is only one penis," Hassler told the Norrländska Socialdemokraten newspaper.

We were really confused about the mechanics of all this until we googled "fake penis" and found The Original Whizzinator. But then again, we thought the people in our hometown were skinny and had fucked-up teeth because they were poor.

[The Local: 'I check their underpants to ensure there is only one penis']