Scanner : thievery

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Levi Johnston

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The IMF says we'll have to stick it out one more year before an economic recovery.

Japanese boy bands are all growing up and getting naked and drunk and arrested.

The third Twilight film will be directed by a man. Man, woman, Werner Herzog-- no matter what gender is at the helm, it's still going to blow.

Mel Gibson's alleged mistress is keeping a sex diary comparing all the different men she's slept with.

Rick Ross claims rapper 50 Cent is finished. Woo hoo! Can we finish off the rest of these no-talent top 40 artists along with him?

Levi Johnston has gone from being the #1 puppet in the Palin VP campaign to the biggest threat to her 2012 chances.

The new American family: Dad robs people, Mom drives the getaway minivan, and the kids play inside the car.

This sounds like one kickass documentary.

"Dog" the Bounty Hunter was nearly killed in Colorado after a suspect shot at him during an attempted arrest.

And Lindsay Lohan is dating dudes again-- this time, Brits are on her hit list.

While You Were Sleeping: Teen Faces Prison For Having An Abortion

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:25:00 GMT

A 27-year-old woman is upset that a 63-year-old man has threatened to post nude photos of her on the internet.

Mia Farrow plans to go on a hunger strike to raise awareness of the crisis in Darfur.

This Wal-Mart employee may be the dumbest person alive: he stole a whole bunch of merchandise from the store, then advertised the items as "for sale" on the break room bulletin board.

A Supreme Court ruling from yesterday means police officers may not be able to search your car without a warrant.

A 19-year-old in Australia faces up to 14 years in prison for having an abortion. Of course, it's more complicated than that...

Researchers may have discovered that lice can prevent asthma.

This video proves there is such a thing as too much money in a political campaign.

This genius is in college, double majoring, and maintaining a 3.83 GPA. And he's 12.

And Miss California claims she knew as soon as she answered that gay marriage question that she would lose the competition.

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Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:50:00 GMT

You'll never guess in a million years what tattoo-covered topless Amy Winehouse is looking at-- and don't say that woman's gigantic bosom...

Amy Winehouse, who flies back to her burglarized home in England today to try to salvage her marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil, spent her last hours in St. Lucia not doing drugs, not stealing drinks from the hands of tourists, not even falling over some frat douche on the beach.

She was playing Scrabble.

Winehouse told the Sun:

But perhaps the recovering junkie’s strangest move is her new love for Scrabble.
"I am trying to think of something clever. No, I ain’t got the right letters for rehab."
Amy’s holiday wasn’t all good clean fun though – she’s regularly been seen drinking and openly smoking joints.
Two weeks ago The Sun printed pictures of Amy crawling up to holidaymakers on all fours and grabbing their drinks after hotel bar staff deemed her too wasted to serve.
She also put on a number of performances for guests in the lobby...

Scanner Emily, looks you'll now have an online Scrabble partner when Parker Brothers finally allows it to start up again...

Via the Sun.

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Our Favorite Dumb Criminal: Burglar Leaves Sex Tape At the Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:47:00 GMT

"...Oh Alabama, the devil fools with the best-laid plan..."

An as-yet-unidentified burglar, seen in this photo, obviously didn't have any Neil Young as the mood music on his sex tape. We know for a fact because the police have the sex tape and they're using it to publicly identify a local menace...

Police really want to nab this guy, thanks to his responsibility for at least a handful of the four than 50 car break-ins in just one precinct in Mobile in the last month. Sources say the dude bailed out of his stolen Ford Explorer, leaving behind iPods and ancient listening devices known as stereos, which ancient man is believed to have used before the advent of Napster.

"...Your SUV / has a wheel in the ditch / and a wheel on the track..."

Perhaps the only disappointing part of this story is that our sole glimpse into the sex tape is the photo above, which isn't exactly appealing, unless you like your men to look like gleeful stoners who are thinking of putting it in your butt. At least his teeth are all right and his mustache only fairly hideous. Also, he's probably the kind of guy who makes sure to do it doggystyle so he can stare into his own eyes in the bedroom mirror-- the cops say the video doesn't even feature his female partner's face, since it's mainly a self-portrait of a man enjoying sex.

Via AL.com.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:35:00 GMT

It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world...

Jocelyn: This season's supposed to be about fun... and not about spending money.

Scanner Brian: Absolutely. As far as we're concerned, Christmas is all about the holiday spirit-- in our case, gin. Oh, and Santacon. Speaking of not spending any money, did you do the Black Friday sales? Was that you at the Long Island Wal-Mart...?

J: You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

SB: All right, maybe we should edit that out. We don't want to have to testify. So... we don't think we're going to make it home for Christmas this year and we're worried about shipping...

J: I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

SB: All right, let's go off the theft tangent for a second. With the economy in the toilet, are you cutting back? Getting some handouts this year?

J: I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings.

SB: Thanks, Jocelyn. All right, everybody, make sure to check out Jocelyn's website, it's seriously the only thing worth reading besides Nerve. Or the Rod Blago transcripts...

Via Filthy Richmond.

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Adorable Cat Wants To Rob You Blind

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

Frankie is a two-year-old black cat (oh, God, don't start in on that superstitious shit) in Swindon, England who has a collection of stolen goods to rival your average celebrity garbologist.

The Daily Telegraph reports on this strange phenom:

Julie, 52, said: 'Frankie looks very pleased with himself when he comes in with these presents.
'He's been going out of the house and coming back with all these toys for pretty much as long as he's been allowed out.

'They're all soft toys for cats I think. About 15 of them are all the same leopard. He doesn't really play with them. He dumps them down and goes out looking for something else.'

In the past year alone Frankie's haul has included teddy bears, leopards and a giant squeaky beefburger.
Now Julie has plastered her home town of Swindon with posters to try and trace the rightful owners.

Seeing as how we're guilty of this ourselves, we'd place top dollar on the idea that all these "stolen goods" are actually gifts from neighbors currying favor with the cute lil' puss.

Via the Telegraph.

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Teacher Arrested For Possession of Drugs, Terrible Goatee

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

A highly-praised Wisconsin high school math teacher has been busted by the cops for giving out weed, shrooms, and coke to his former students at his own house parties. No wonder he received a 4.4 on Rate My Teachers...

Roger "Bring the" Payne, is a 47-year-old teach at Wauwatosa East High School in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin... but perhaps his contract will not be renewed following this unfortunate incident. Payne pulled the classic Boy George bonehead move-- he called the cops about a break-in at his home, where he happened to be in possession of marijuana. Double whoops-- they also slapped him with charges of obstruction of justice and drug trafficking.

Somebody ratted out The Roge... and they will pay. Probably a small fine, that is, since the burglar/rat took nothing with him:

The 21-year-old man accused of breaking into Payne's home tells police he partied with Payne often. He alleges the parties included marijuana, mushrooms and cocaine. The 21-year-old thought it was "wrong for a teacher to be partying with former students."

Dude... you're 21 years of age... it's wrong for you to be breaking into people's homes and then narcing on them to the fuzz. And if you think it's wrong for the teacher to have those parties, maybe you shouldn't have partaken in them and called the authorities a long time ago; you would look like so much less of a douchebag if you did.

By the way, we can speak so authoritatively on these matters because we had multiple teachers in high school who used to get us wasted-- and not on Miller High Life, okay? And although these adult males exhibited questionable judgment with regard to our health and safety, they weren't deserving of losing their jobs and going to jail for multiple years either.

Sorry for the rant. Photo and partial info via TMJ4-TV.

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Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Burger King is deliberately dropping wallets full of cash all over the country and, unlike the wicked New York City Police Department, they aren't arresting people who are kind enough to pick them up...

The blogosphere is abuzz today with stories of people in Arizona, Florida, and Illinois finding wallets on the floor of the local Burger King restaurants. The wallets were deliberately dropped or planted by hired help on a Burger King marketing campaign:

From November 12-14, the fast food chain will be leaving 5000 wallets around Chicago, specifically "in high-traffic areas and landmarks." Inside the wallets? "A BK Crown Card pre-loaded with $5 to $20 and cold, hard cash ranging from $1 to $100."
Yep, the wallets include notes telling the individuals who find them to go ahead and keep the wallets. Time Out Chicago reported on November 12th that Burger King planned to drop 5,000 of these wallets around urban hot spots in Chicago. According to reports from bloggers, the wallets contain actual cash, ranging from a $1 bill to a $100 bill, a gift card to Burger King, a “Drivers License” featuring The King, and a map of Chicago or Orlando area Burger King’s.
This is a brilliant marketing move, and the mainstream media is obviously lagging behind on discovering it - but creative and unique marketing ideas like this one don’t go unnoticed forever. I expect much more widespread attention for this promotion as the word-of-mouth affect begins to trickle up the mainstream media.

The economy is in such bad shape right now, with the highest new unemplyoment filings in years, that you half expect large crowds of people scouring their local BK's, not for the $1 menu, but like those weird beachcombers, hoping that someone hasn't scoured the place as thoroughly as they are about to...

Via the So Good Blog and NBC.

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While You Were Sleeping: Who The Hell Is Gerald Butler?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

How did a traffic cop know to arrest a random guy who was driving by him? Because the guy was driving the cop's truck.

In election news: Obama delivered his 30 minute ad to the nation. McCain, meanwhile, is resorting to attacking Obama via robocalls-- in Arizona.

Do you think this time they'll get it right in the Phil Spector trial?

This Joe the (Not Really A) Plumber guy is really starting to get on our nerves. Worse yet, he may start singing country music.

Oooh, the Beatles might have songs on Rock Band pretty soon.

We'll find out on November 7th whether the guy who attacked Noel Gallagher was drunk or just trying to save us from another Oasis album.

We think Gerard Butler is going to be the next big star. So does everyone else, which means he already is.

And this photo (seen above) should give you a hint what the new Guy Ritchie-Robert Downey-Sacha Baron Cohen-Sherlock Holmes movie is going to be like.

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Obama and McCain Supporters Bring Out the Worst In All of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:08:00 GMT

It seems that Republicans are so desperate to win they'll cheat and Democrats are so scared of any potential cheating that they will try to head off a "stolen" election with a few semi-legal or even illegal tactics of their own...

Here's today's insane roundup... scary, scary stuff... it's enough to make you think Bob Barr might pull it off after all...

1) Absentee voters in upstate New York were mailed ballots listing Barack's last name as "Osama".

The Democratic commissioner apologized profusely, stating that it was merely a typo and that three proofreaders somehow missed it! What other words did they have to check? "Vote" and "fill in one of these bubbles, morons?" Come on, this is just rigoddamneddiculous.

2) FoxNews thinks it has uncovered a case of voter fraud in Ohio. A pair of newlywed Obama supporters have been picking homeless people up and shuttling them to the early-voting polls, where they are allowed to register and vote on the spot, even without proof of residence. Power to the homeless, we say, but Fox disagrees:

Volunteers supporting Barack Obama picked up hundreds of people at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and drug-rehab centers and drove them to a polling place yesterday on the last day that Ohioans could register and vote on the same day, almost no questions asked. [Gasp! You mean they didn't ask them anything beyond "are you registered to vote?" and "okay, can you fill this out?" Oh my God! This may be totally illegal-- letting residents of a state who have lost their homes cast ballots anyway!]

Republicans have argued that the window could lead to widespread voter fraud because officials wouldn't have an opportunity to verify registration information before ballots were cast. [Fox]

3) A man was shot in the face, ostensibly for wearing a racially-charged t-shirt. The shirt? Pro-Obama. The shooter? Reportedly made racist comments at the scene of the shooting. The story here? The shooting was in South London.

If you hear any more evidence of voter fraud (besides the usual federal-law-violating voter purges within 90 days of an election, which is going on as we speak), let us know in the comments section.

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Man Claims He Was Robbed By Gang Of Topless Women

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:34:00 GMT

A man in Martin County, Florida told the police he was roughed up and robbed of $100 in cash by a gang of shirtless, braless women.

The man insisted that he had been awake the entire time and was not making this up...

Here's the rundown: Olmar Morales, 18, was riding his bike to work on Saturday morning when a woman wearing overalls jumped out of nowhere and grabbed his, um, handle bar. Instantly, another four women surrounded him and took $100 from his back pocket. Riiiighht...

As if this story were unbelievable already, Morales claims that although the overall-wearing one was overweight and unattractive, the foursome were "thin and blond" and wore "overalls with no shirts and no bras." (The suspect could not positively identify Keira Knightley, seen above, as one of the suspects.)

The kicker-- the cops arrived at the scene soon after and could not find any of these alleged blondes in the area. Hmmm...

Sounds like he spent his 100 on a lap dance and then reported it stolen...
Right! This article left out one significant sentence....."and then he woke up".
Sounds like a Candid Camera episode complete with the clown car song playing in the background.

...that's pretty much the local reaction... and ours, as well...

Via TCPalm.

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While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

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Teenage Girls Flash, Fondle and Then Rob the Crap Out of British Men

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:22:00 GMT

Oh! This poor clueless man. 40-year-old Robert Stones claims some young girls came up, flashed him and then, as all the blood rushed from his brain down below his belt, he got the shit robbed out of him. We can see it now, but as you'd expect, he is calling it a conspiracy (and yeah, yeah, we'll give you the full flash after the jump)...

"One blonde lifted her top to attract my attention and then fondled me in front of everyone," said Richard. "While another girl kissed me she went round the back and took my wallet from my pocket.
"This was organised stuff. They boasted that they do it to a lot of people. I lost £30 in cash and it cost me £10 to cancel my cards.

Aw. Turns out a lady requires some cash if she's going to show your her endowment. But it looks like Stones has learned his lesson:

The divorcee warns other men: "Women touching men in bars are only after one thing – your money."

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Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Sometimes news stories make you beg for more. Sometimes they make you beg to figure out why the reporter didn't ask some majorly important, obvious questions.

In this case, our first one would be: how the hell does a kid rob his own house? Why didn't he just wait for everyone to definitely leave the house, open the front door so it looks like somebody came in, then takes everything out the back, load up a car, and drive it to the pawnshop?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's the story, in order:

1) A 22-year-old and his 15-year-old friend (wha?) break into a house on Tuesday.

2) The 22-year-old's mom comes out, since it turns out to be her house, and says, "Like, what the hell are you doing, boy?"

3) The boys flee, but not before firing shots in the air to warn the multiple family members now entering the front of the house to see what's going on.

4) The family called the police, who dispatched a dog, which captured and bit the 15-year-old. The 22-year-old gave himself up without a fight some time later.

5) This was only the coda to their long rampage: the gunslingers are being questioned about a string of earlier robberies that took place earlier on Tuesday.

Much of this info was gleaned from the very thin Seattle Times story.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

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How Young Is Too Young?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:21:00 GMT

No, not in that way...

An 11-year boy was arrested for armed robbery... at a Florida Walgreen's... Apparently, our boy took after our favorite Charlie Scene movie* and tried to rob a convenient store last night.

According to FoxnewsOrlando:

The incident started around 3:30am Monday when the youngster entered the Walgreen’s. Police said the boy was able to make it out of the store with a backpack with an undisclosed amount of cash.

“Officers were able to locate and arrest the child approximately five minutes after the robbery occurred.”

Unconfirmed reports has it that the boy led police on a high-speed chase through the playground on his bicycle, no word yet if he was able to have sex with a girl* while riding however.

Orlando Police said the boy did not steal any prescription drugs or medication; only cash.

The child has been charged with commercial robbery.

First of all, what is this kid doing out at 3am? In a sane society we’d also ask why he had access to BB guns, but this is Florida we’re talking about.

The good news is that, according to the police, the boy “did not steal any prescription drugs or medication; only cash.” For a second we were worried he might have an OxyContin addiction.

[Full disclosure: Before you load up your Netflix queue, The Chase is only my favorite Charlie Sheen movie because of a similar experience late one night on the way home from a country bar in Jersey (don’t ask). I was driving my girlfriend’s 1985 Dodge Charger down some dark highway when she decided to hike up her skirt, zip down my fly and climb on top of me. By the time we finished I looked down to notice that my foot had the pedal floored and we climaxed together at 110 mph. I have an affinity for Grease 2 for similar reasons. Otherwise both films are rather forgettable.]

VIDEO: Police: 11-year-old child robbed Walgreen's

-this post was written by substitute blogger Byron Dafoe

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Video of the Day: How To Recover Your Stolen Laptop

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:08:00 GMT

Has anyone tried Adeona or any other software program? And wouldn't it be worth losing your laptop for a day or two just to track down and bust the thief? How fun would that be?

Oh, uh, right. We don't condone that.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, Especially in New York

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:54:00 GMT

We want to help people, we really do. But sometimes our fear gets in the way. Helping an old lady cross the street or grabbing the bottom of a stroller at the top of the stairs for an over-burdened mother is pretty safe. We can do that. And we often do. But help a guy load a piece of furniture into a van? Never! And now, next time we see a wallet lying around, instead of picking it up and turning it in, we're going to leave it on the subway platform for the next fool to pick up, especially after what happened to this guy:

Straphanger Carlos Alayo ... picked up what he thought was a derelict wallet laying on a subway platform bench. He said he intended to find its owner and return it, but as he went to get on the G train, he said he was stopped by police.
The 32-year-old had been ensnared in Operation Lucky Bag, an initiative from the New York City Police Department to lay decoys -- shopping bags, purses, backpacks or wallets -- around the subway system under the watchful gaze of officers who wait to see what passersby will do.

The decoys often contain real credit cards issued under pseudonyms to the police department. Theft of a credit card is grand larceny, a felony that could lead to jail time.

What's the point of the real credit cards if the police are going to stop people before they even get a chance to go shopping? Where's their Christmas spirit?

[Via wnbc.com]