Scanner : the hills

Heidi Montag Nude In Playboy?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:02:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Word is she and Spencer are in negotiations with Hef...

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Male Australian Writer Believes Most Women Are Socially Inept, Crass, Not Bangable

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

We love how this male writer cites a female Emily Post wannabe in ripping up Australia's women, presumably after having been dumped by a wild party girl like the ones he attacks so ruthlessly.

Then again, we don't disagree with a few of his points about the "fairer sex."

If the evidence screened on a recent popular reality television show [don't say The Hills - Ed.] is to be believed then certain young, modern, Australian women are not only completely lacking in good manners but they are also foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured.

All of that is true of all English-speaking people in this day and age, the men included.

it's interesting to look at just how far the modern woman – regardless of age, race, status or income – has sunk in her attempt to "live in a man's world."

This all kinds of awful-- perhaps one of our readers can take this line to task, especially that last snarky remark... we don't have the patience.

Many Australian women are now socially inept, particularly when it comes to manners – from the businesswoman who orders the hotel concierge to get them a cab "quick smart" to the moody shop assistant who rolls her eyes when asked for help and then turns to the next assistant and announces that she cannot wait to knock off.

What about the businessman who orders up a hooker from Craig's List and then complains to her madame that she makes him wear a condom? What about the dudes who feel no qualms about hitting on a woman sitting at the bar when her boyfriend goes to the bathroom? What about the moody male video store clerk who rolls his eyes when you ask what came out this week? What if-- well, you get the point.

Then comes a line (the first one here) that we agree with 100%:

A Brisbane businessman recently revealed that, when he opened a door for two professional women exiting an office, he received no acknowledgement only to have a glass door slammed in his face after following them out. Many men are now becoming reluctant to open doors for women because they merely get "huffed" at and pushed aside.

Women almost never-- I should do a social experiment, but I would guess it's one out of ten, tops-- thank us or even acknowledge us holding the door for them. And we don't mean we stop for more than two seconds to hold the door-- it's not like we're standing there expectantly. We just know that they're a few steps back and will have to deal with the door swinging back in their faces if we don't stop to hold it. We do the same thing for anyone, regardless of gender or any other quality of the person(s) behind us. But men always mutter a casual but polite thank you-- I'm guessing at least eight or nine out of every ten.

Not cool, ladies. And another thing:

Women in the 40 to 60-year-old age bracket regard footpaths, aisles and malls as theirs alone. Put two or three of these women together and everyone must make way for them. In their world nothing comes between them and their conversation, certainly not manners or respect.

We disagree with this statement, if only because our experience is with strollers in Brooklyn and the side-by-side lineup of those monsters, each of which is wider than a motorcycle with a sidecar. Author Ian Wallace would likely agree if he lived in New York. Meanwhile, he cites June-Dally Watkins, the Emily Post type we cited, as saying good manners is an important character trait for all women. We say it's important in everyone.

Read his full story here.

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Mother-Daughter Clones To Sign Porn Contract Any Day Now...

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German Pop Star Arrested for Spreading a Little HIV With Her Message

Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge is gearing up to star in a (hilariously awful!) spinoff of (the hilariously awful!) MTV fiction show The Hills.

Partridge and her ridiculous breast implants are apparently worthy of their own sitcom, since Partridge was such an exciting addition to The Hills that the 30-program could hardly cram in all her personal and professional trials and tribulations. Those mainly consisted of sitting around a pool, talking in an annoying voice, and not pretending to get married in Mexico.

So, MTV decided it can't have Partridge promote her upcoming series by going on "talk" shows, because it doesn't want to scare off its last two potential viewers. Instead, Partridge landed a deal with Divine Rights of Denim jeans, which continues the trend of having celebrity spokespeople pose nude to advertise their lame products...

Have we vented enough yet? Good.

By the way, the ads are above and directly below, followed by what you really clicked on this for: the lost nude Audrina Partridge photos.

More of the Divine Rights shoot here.

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Sloppy Seconds: Secret Celebrity Weddings... Who Done It?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Fox News just got a little less liberal. (Bet you didn't know that was possible.) Hannity and Colmes will now just be, um, Hannity. [Yahoo]

Dr. Pepper was giving away free soda to celebrate the release of Guns 'N Roses' long-anticipated Chinese Democracy. Apparently, though, the high demand for free drinks crashed the beverage makers' website, leaving rock fans everywhere thirsty and disappointed. [Vulture]

Did you know Jason Lee was married? Neither did we. [Us]

Who else got secretly married?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. As if you care. Sorry. [People]

R. Kelly's nephew has been charged with attempted murder after a brawl in a barbershop. [MTV]

Was John McCain the only one who didn't know "suspending" his campaign was a terrible idea? Scanner Brian totally called it. [Political Wire]

Caption This: Spencer Pratt and His Stupid T-Shirt

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 20:14:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:13:00 GMT

Janet Jackson kicked off her first tour in six years with an emotional performance in Vancouver. [People]

We pity the fool who will soon be Mr. Tara Reid. [dListed]

We're not the only ones expecting the new 90210 to suck. Shannen Doherty doesn't plan to do more than four episodes. [Yahoo!]

~~Spiderman~~ Tobey McGuire is all set to give his big speech at the 9/11 memorial service tonight. Huh? [Cryptome]

Project Runway judge and former Elle fashion director, Nina Garcia, has a few things to say about Sarah Palin's wardrobe. For starters, she should drop the glasses. [Radar]

But if you dig her look, you should find your perfect pit bull in lipstick shade. [The Frisky]

Lauren Conrad, of The Hills, has just signed a three-book deal with Harper Collins. We quit. Has she even read three books in her lifetime? [Us]

After smashing up a photographer's camera at LAX, Kanye West realized that TMZ had been taping the first incident and allegedly went after the TMZ camera person. (We probably would have done the same thing). [LAT and TMZ Video]

Sloppy Seconds: Lil' Kim To Be A Playboy Centerfold?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

The new DIY porn station in Canada is sure to give us lots of blog material over the next several centuries.

A six-year-old boy had the adventure of a lifetime when he was accidentally transported to Mexico. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough money for the "around the world" package the girls were offering him.

A McCain advisor, who thinks the economy is doing spiffy, once invested in porn movies. Well, that's at least one intelligent thing he did that involves money.

Diabetes may have less to do with McDonald's and more to do with your drinking water... at least more than you thought.

Who needs a recap of a Hills episode? We didn't see it, but here's our overview: Heidi and Spencer are silicone robots.

An ex-Mormon is releasing an R-rated movie. This has gotta be juicy...

Lil' Kim, who made out with Hef and previously rejected his lowball offer to pose nude for his magazine, is reportedly ready to accept:

“’I am willing to shell out any amount for Kim, I’ve been trying to get her to do it for years!’ Hugh exclaims. The two have not been shy about their feelings for each other when Hugh was seen kissing Lil’ Kim at a post Grammy party back in 2001.”

“Kim previously declined the offer for the cover citing her religious beliefs and devotion to God, but a source close to Kim says “the only reason why she declined it at the time was because the money was not enough, this time the money is right.”

Related:

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Who Will Play Playboy Hugh Hefner in the Story of His Life?

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:43:00 GMT

In a small area of North Texas, it is now legal for teachers to carry handguns on school property. Of course, students are still not allowed to defend themselves from caning, punching, or shooting that may come their way. Ah, justice...

Speaking of Texas, a man who allegedly got naked and groped a four-year-old boy was almost immediately arrested and tasered by police. Now that's justice...

Wouldn't it be awesome if this guy played Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake? We mean-- wouldn't it be awesome if they didn't make it at all... but if they have to, wouldn't Billy Bob Thornton be a twisted, bizarre, possibly brilliant choice?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line has been dropped by Kitson.

Jerry Lewis claims the gun he was busted with at the airport was a telethon gift.

Oprah will be there for Obama at the convention.

And Eva Longoria still keeps in touch with her old Wendy's.

Thanks, Susan!

Sloppy Seconds: Hillary Clinton Nominated For President?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Would someone please make one of these for us and send it by mail to Scanner, New York, NY? Of course, you'll need to get us a nano, too...

Natalie Wood's longtime lover planned, at one point, to murder Warren Beatty. The world doesn't know how close it came to losing Bulworth.

The decision by America's Next Top Model to feature a transgender contestant has been met with praise from at least one group: GLAAD.

Rejoice, travelers: Gay sex is now A-OK with Panama!

Meghan McCain just wet her pants: the Hills spinoff is taking on D.C.

Christian Bale will not be charged with any hitting or not hitting of any family members.

And Hillary Clinton will be nominated at this month's Democratic National Convention. Symbolically, of course-- or so they promise us. Who wants odds that somebody's going to take this gimme and pull a coup?

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Update On The Christian Bale Story

McCain Blogette: Hot or Not?

What Do We Think About Britain's Missing Top Model?

Who Would You Rather: Elizabeth Berkley or Tyra Banks?

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture Of Brad Pitt?

Vote In Playboy's Sexiest Female Blogger Poll

Sloppy Seconds: Half-Naked Woman At A Blue Jays Game

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Magazine Fights Censorship With Nude Six-Year-Old Cover Girl

"Help! I Think My Life Is A Reality Show!"

Ina Maier — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 19:42:00 GMT

Do you ever feel like people are watching you? Do you live your life like there are cameras catching your every move? Are you Julia Allison? Then you just might have the "Truman Show Delusion."

Two Montrea-based psychologists have diagnosed a new mental illness where sufferers believe that their entire lives are one big reality show. Like, a real reality show. The psychologists, brother Joel and Ian Gold, have treated 5 men, all between the ages of 25-34, who all believe that their lives are the focus of millions and millions of people. According to one patient, "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."

We'd say it's finally time to cut back on the reality TV, but have you seen the preview for the new season of The Hills?! But seriously, someone please call Julia Allison. We're worried about her.

[via New York Post]

The Hills Season 4: We Know Someone! And Some Other Stuff, Too

Ina Maier — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:53:00 GMT

It's almost that time of year again. When the best worst show on television comes back to entice and entrance us with blank stares, dramatic pauses, and excessive amounts of kohl eyeliner. The good news? This time around, they've brought in some reinforcements in the form of guys other than Brody "Eyelashes" Jenner and Justin "Greasy Hair" Bobby. And guess what: We know one of them! The scoop, the video, and everything you never wanted to know about Season 4 of The Hills, after the jump.

Just about 8 seconds in, you'll see an apparently hunky piece of man-meat saunter on screen and get introduced as Alex. This, our friends, is Alex Smith, former second string Columbia University kicker (this Scanner's alma mater) and even-more-former USC student and/or benchwarmer. The USC thing is important, because as it turns out, it's what Whitney Port and Alex Smith have in common. (Alex: "I went to USC." Whitney: "I went to USC!")

We heard rumors that Alex had managed to parlay his lackluster football career into modelling, or maybe that's just what he told us when we ran into him at the sleazy and sleepy rooftop club B.E.D. (Don't ask why we were there. We'll plead the 5th.) Anyway, and without further ado, here is Alex's debut on TV's most watched show about nothing.

Oh, and there's a lot of fucking. She-Pratt fucks over Lauren, Lauren fucks over Lo, Speidi fucks over Heidi's sister, and Audrina, after being fucked over last season by Lauren, Lo, and Jason Bobby, decides to go on a date with a guy named Colin. Oh yeah, and Whitney probably fucks Alex. It's riveting stuff, people.

UPDATE: For some reason, the video player isn't working for us. So - you'll have to watch the aforementioned (and below) video over at MTV.com. We'll keep working on it.

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:45:00 GMT

After she endorsed, Spencer Pratt reportedly said, "Nobody cares who Heidi Montag is going to vote for." But could she actually swing the youth vote away from Obama? After all, the Obama-McCain election is going to come down to a handful of votes.

Okay, we're kidding. She ain't gonna do shit. And besides, we have more important things to discuss...

Obama has narrowed Clinton's 26 point lead in Pennsylvania to a mere five points in just three weeks. Some polls have shown Obama with a stastical lead, which we find very difficult to believe since we expect Clinton to win PA no matter what. (And yet other polls shows him still about 10-12 points behind, which is at least progress for the Illinois Senator.) Meanwhile, Slate has set up a Deathwatch on the Clinton campaign, which gives her a statistical 9-percent chance of winning. Ouch.

However, the news isn't all apocalypse for Hill. According to Political Wire, the Senator Who Moved to New York fares better against Grandpa Moses in three major swing states:

Florida: Clinton 44, McCain 42; McCain 46, Obama 37
Ohio: Clinton 48, McCain 39; Obama 43, McCain 42
Pennsylvania: Clinton 48, McCain 40; Obama 43, McCain 39

In other news, retiring Republican Senator Chuck Hagel is dangling an endorsement over Obama's head, for which Obama will probably consider him for the Vice Presidency. While we think this would be a great way for the Democrats to neutralize McCain, the chances of Hagel running against a friend from his own party are extremely slim.

Image via Gawker. Why do her boobs look so much bigger in the above picture?

Johnny Depp and His Penis Will Not Be Shilling Trojans

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Contrary to popular belief, Johnny Depp and his penis will not be sporting Magnums for your visceral pleasure.

An early April Fool's Day prank, or just another shoddy bit of celebrity "news"? Either way, a spokeswoman for Johnny Depp says the many reports that the actor is considering a multi-million-dollar offer from Trojan to appear in an ad campaign for its Magnum-brand prophylactics are purest bogus.
"There is no truth to this," says the spokeswoman, Robin Baum. "He has not been approached."

While we would all like to think of Johnny Depp's enlarged penis encased in latex, it's not nice to make up stories that may exaggerate the size of his uh, workload. Plus, Johnny's fans probably already know about Trojans-- maybe somebody in the Jamie Lynn Spears-"The Hills" crowd would be more effective.

Wait—did we just seriously suggest the possibility of Spencer Pratt promoting condoms? (Shudder)

[Portfolio: Johnny Depp to Hawk Condoms? Um, No.]

Photo: Time, Inc.

Today in Global Warming: 10 Fun Surprises

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Al Gore today declined to speculate on whether he will end up the consensus candidate and drive a Gore-Clinton Prius to the White House this year. In celebration of the former President-Elect's resurgence, Live Science put together a list of the Top 10 Surprising Results of Global Warming, most of which do not involve blogging by candlelight.

10. Aggravated Allergies, which we think is a great parody name for another one of those awful emo bands.

9. Animals Are Heading For The Hills, which would be a great title for a Gawker post about this season's premiere.

8. The Artic is Blooming! Plants are springing up earlier than ever, it seems. Unfortunately, those plants are embedded in icebergs rushing at 40 knots per minute toward New York City.

7. 125 lakes have disappeared from the Arctic in just the last few years. Any neocons wanna guess where that water might end up?

6. Global warming is thawing shit that's, like, under the ice! Like, the soil or something. Seriously, your house is going to collapse into one of the new Grand Canyons sure to spring up in 2312.

5. Animals may miss out on food because their migration patterns won't change with the fluctuations in the seasons. Without any birds around, Dick Cheney will be forced to blame his shooting of humans on drink and despair.

4. Speedier Satellites. Will James Bond be able to stop S.P.E.C.T.R.E. if this happens? Holy shit, we're doomed.

3. Mountains will grow in elevation. Wait, mountains are fucking alive?!

2. Ruined Ruins. Flooding will destroy monuments to extinct civilizations, such as something called "Black People in Louisiana."

1. Forest Fire Frenzy. That's okay, everybody has fire insurance that covers forest fire-related damage and contains no secret clauses, right? Whoops.

For the real list, click here.

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:39:00 GMT

Alec Baldwin is apparently fine with his born-again Christian brother Stephen's views on gay marriage. We, on the other hand, are not so fine with this creepy picture of the Baldwin brothers.

Will The View''s Elisabeth Hasselbeck just shut the hell up already? Gloria Steinem is evil? Really, Elisabeth? We know it's The "View" and all, but you're not helping women here.

Perhaps we were too quick to diagnose Amy Winehouse with The Herp. Turns out it's probably impetigo, a highly contagious bacterial skin infection that generally affects infants and children.

We listened so you didn't have to: The Hills' Heidi Montag and US Weekly's Britney Spears recorded a song (if you want to call it that) together. Titled "Dramatic," it debuted on Ryan Seacrest's morning show today. If that link doesn't work for you (Mac users) you can try this one. If, after listening for about nine seconds, you want to stab your ears out with a rusty screwdriver, you're not alone.

The Hills' Disclaimer: This is Total BS

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:46:00 GMT

We haven't written a lot about "The Hills," the MTV realifake show chronicling the lives of Heidi, Lauren and Spencer, because we haven't watched enough episodes to form a real opinion of the show as a whole. But we have watched enough to know it's pretty much petty, made-up bullshit. Petty, made-up bullshit that we maybe, sometimes enjoy watching.

Now, "The Hills" is being aired in the UK, with the following disclaimer.

‘The following programme may contain scenes that have been created purely for entertainment purposes.”

You don't say? Hey, it's almost like real TV, when we had writers.

[via Songs About Buildings and Food]

Spencer Pratt Wears Spider-Man Costume Sized to His Ego

sarahhepola — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:30:00 GMT

Hey, is this an item about Spencer Pratt? Where the hell did this come from? We apologize for this slip-up, folks, but what can you do? We blame the interns. Anyhoo, here we see The Hills’ Spencer Pratt rocking a Spider-Man costume designed for MC Hammer videos. To his credit? He looks happy as a six-year-old Luke Skywalker. And also, this costume will totally accommodate his upcoming boob job. (via)

Heidi Montag: When Any Attention Is Better Than No Attention

sarahhepola — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:10:00 GMT

First, before we talk, an assignment, if you dare. Watch this video of The Hills’ Heidi Montag cavorting around the beach for her new video, being filmed by her boyfriend Spencer Pratt. Props include a jambox, a lot of stripper moves, and a random fisherman.

Done? Okay, let’s talk.

We hate Heidi Montag. But here is the thing about our hatred of Heidi Montag. It somehow involves us being obsessed with Heidi Montag, going immediately to any news item involving her, watching her sing and dance and throw up gang signs. And this has led some people (including our colleague Scanner Nicole) to suggest that we secretly LOVE Heidi Montag. Do we secretly love Heidi Montag? Sigh. It’s complicated. She represents something powerful to us. Something about our culture. When we look at her, we see a window into the hollow, fame-seeking soul of America. Someone who wants fame at any cost. Someone who distorts her body, humiliates herself constantly, cuts herself off from people who care about her in order to obtain this sliver of fame that she somehow sense will fill the dark, empty cavern in her heart. Well, that’s what we see when we watch this video, anyway. And Spencer Pratt? (We know, we promised not to talk about him anymore. THAT WAS A LIE.) Spencer Pratt is like the ultimate pimp slash stage father, and all the hideous things that accompany it. Watching this hurts our heart a little bit. So, anyway, hope you enjoyed that video!

The Last Time We Blog About Spencer Pratt. Oh, Who Are We Kidding?

sarahhepola — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 20:40:00 GMT

Let us tell you three things about Radar’s Q&A with Spencer Pratt from The Hills, and then we will never speak of it again.

1. Spencer Pratt gives a good interview.
2. You could rip off Spencer Pratt’s head, piss down his throat, and he would respond by saying, “I think that shit is hilarious.”
3. We hate to say it, but Spencer Pratt kind of won.