Scanner : the apprentice

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Whatever that means.

The day we've all been waiting for: Portia does Ellen... 's show.

Liam Neeson's wife Natasha Richardson is in critical condition following a skiing accident.

Poor Steve-O: Dancing With the Stars hurted him too much.

How fucked up is it that the above photo of Amy Winehouse is her looking "healthier" than she has in ages?

That nitwit Tom Green was "fired" from Celebrity Apprentice. That show's still on? And they were even considering Tom Green worthy of being considered for a job at a Donald Trump company? Sheesh.

Imus has prostate cancer.

Jennifer Aniston claims she was the one that dumped John Mayer. Just to milk this story for another news cycle...

Sorry for the late blogging today, we're all here at SXSW now. We'll be at Maggie Mae's tonight if you want to say hello.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

She's Just Not That Into You. Or Is She?

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:42:00 GMT

If you're a woman in your late twenties and going to have sex with your seventeen-year-old lover, please don't get drunk first. Also, please don't get drunk with your teenage lover, have sex in a train station, and refuse to leave when you are loudly asked to stop fucking each others' brains out over the public address system...

Despite the operator’’s pleas for them to get dressed and desist, the woman of 29 and her boyfriend aged 17 carried on.

In fact, British Transport Police officers had to drive out to arrest the pair and bed them down overnight in cells - separately - before releasing them with cautions the next day.

The incident took place at 11pm at the Wandle Park stop in Croydon, South London.

Even better, the damn lucky bastards got off with merely a night in jail and a strong British scolding. God bless that country...

In other news:

We still can't get over the fact that a woman is named Brooklyn, is hot, and is now getting married to Andy Roddick.

Joe Francis, founder and douche emeritus of Girls Gone Wild, joins rumored co-stars Khloe Kardashian, Joan Rivers, and Dennis The Menace Rodman at the Big Office In The Sky(scraper) on next season's The Apprentice.

Enough trashing of Canada (people, we were kidding yesterday by the way.)

As of the women of the world's military institutions don't suffer enough: one of their male counterparts has been accused of posting nude photos of his fellow female soldiers on the web.

And Anne Hathaway talks politics:

AP: What inspires you about Obama?

"I was kind of afraid of Obama the first time I saw him. I thought, I've been burned by guys like you before. I've been burned by politicians before that I wanted to believe in and just didn't live up to it. And I was afraid to trust him and I was afraid to have hope when I first kind of became aware of him. It was around the time that he gave his speech on race that I just said 'I can't deny how I feel about you, Barack Obama. I want you to be the president. I want you in the White House.'"

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery.

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime.

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively.

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted that show to be canceled...

Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus or whatever her name is to appear in Playboy. When she's legal, of course. Sorry, Hugh, but we've already seen more of her, the Olsen twins, and Suri Cruise than we'd ever want to see. You dirty old perv.

Possibly the most repulsive pickup line imaginable, not just because of the source: Roseanne (Barr/Arnold/n/a) came on strong to George Clooney when Clooney debuted on her rad 80s TV show: "You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink." [Starpulse]

And, finally, why not end your week with a laugh, as this video does:

Arianna Huffington: Iraq is McCain's Viagra...
Stephen Colbert: I suppose the warning on that should be: "If your erection lasts more than a hundred years, pull out!"

Sloppy Seconds: OJ's Next Career Move

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:21:00 GMT

This is definitely the largest naturally occuring penis we've ever seen. Ever. [YesButNoButYes]

Penis theft in Congo is way beyond our level of comprehension. [Reuters]

There will be no Gay May Day in Moscow. [Queerty]

Julia Roberts doesn't wear deodorant. Big woop. Neither do we. Except down there. [Truemors]

Just in case you weren't sure, the Beyonce and Jay-Z marriage is officially, 100% confirmed. We think. [FameCrawler]

O.J. Simpson really, really, really wants to be on The Apprentice. Donald, if you don't let him on, he'll cut you. [MollyGood]

Disbarred Scooter Libby Now Has More Time For Erotica Career

Katie Halper — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 18:47:00 GMT

The bad news for ex Cheney aid Lewis "Scooter" Libby is that he's been disbarred. The good news is that now that Libby can't practice law, he'll have more time to dedicate to the erotic literature he writes so well. In case you haven't read any Scooterotica, check out this kinky gem from Libby's 1996 novel The Apprentice:

At age 10 the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

We want more, Scooter! So give it to us!