Scanner : the 80s

Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:57:00 GMT

10. Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass - Whipped Cream & Other Delights. The other delights, unfortunately, are mainly covered up by the whipped cream, but this is still vintage goodness.

9. Betty Davis - They Say I'm Different. The woman once married to Miles (hence how she got the movie star-esque name) has two of the sexiest album covers ever. We can't explain why we love our #9 choice... or why we chose it over her possibly sexier "Nasty-Gal" photo...

8. The Pixies - Surfer Rosa. We've listened to this album about 300 times and we still don't know who Surfer Rosa is or why Kim Deal gets upset when Black Francis yells "you fucking die." But yeah, gotta love the field-hockey-players-and-the-coach sex scandal story. Oh, and the cover ain't bad either... and those catchy tunes... and... and...

7. Shakira - Oral Fixation. With a title like that, you'd think Shakira wants to be treated like a sex object-- but look, there's a baby! And this sluttastic photo is playfully Biblical, so you know she's a good Catholic girl. Right?

6. Blondie - Parallel Lines. For Halloween one year, we had a girl dress as Debbie Harry and we joined her in the easy-as-hell hipster uniform worn by the guys in this photo-- and damn it if we weren't sexy as all hell. The other night, we saw Debbie Harry play a fundraiser with a local high school band, doing bizarre and funky versions of "Heart of Glass" and other classics from that album. (We had a boner both nights.) Mainly, this cover is incredibly sexy thanks to the dudes with their shit-eating grins realizing how lucky they are to even be associated with a knockout like Debbie Harry, who makes this one helluva photo with that scowl contrasting their gleeful faces.

(Trivia: what future famous person picked Debbie Harry up in his car one night when she was walking home from waitressing at Max's Kansas City. Hint: he was a creep and she jumped out of the car at the next red light. Answer: Ted Bundy.)

5. The Strokes - Is This It? One could make about a dozen jokes about this album and its cover ("Heh heh... I bet they like to "Stroke" it to their own cover..." or "Is this it? Indeed, how come the album isn't as good as the cover?" for starters.) We'll just mention that whimpy Americans don't even have this picture on their 2001 records because it was deemed "too risque." So was the song New York City Cops-- but that's understandable, given 9/11 occurred just before the record's initially-planned release date.

4. Pulp - This Is Hardcore. A record with only one good song ("Like A Friend," and it isn't even the best of the two released versions)-- hey at least the cover makes for good wallpaper.

3. Ween - Chocolate and Cheese. Personally, we prefer the cover where they parody Leonard Cohen's Best of album using the Elephant Man, but these boobs are pretty sensational. Speaking of sensational, get a load of that belt! We might even wear that thing if it came our way...

2. The Cars - Candy-O. We're pretty sure this ain't no real woman, but for you anime freaks out there, this is one to get your keyboards sticky over. Ew, ew, ew-- pretend we didn't even say that. By the way, for some unimaginable reason, girls tend to get in the mood when The Cars come on the radio-- even if the song is "Let the Good Times Roll." FYI, dudes.

1. Roxy Music - Country Life. Their first US top 40 record (it went Top 5 in Britain), Roxy Music's Country Life is an obvious choice for #1 because of the near-nudity factor. (Of course, there are dozens of possible candidates for this list that have nudity in their covers, but they simply weren't as hot. Maybe for our Part Two someday...) Here's what Wikipedia has to tell us about this glorious photo:

The cover features two scantily-clad models, Constanze Karoli... and Eveline Grunwald. Bryan Ferry met them in Portugal and persuaded them to do the photo shoot as well as to help him with the words to the song "Bitter-Sweet". Although not credited for their photos they are credited on the lyric sheet for their German translation work.

The cover image was considered controversial in some countries such as the United States, Spain, and The Netherlands, where it was censored for release. As a result, a later American LP release of Country Life (available during the years 1975-80) featured a different cover shot. Instead of Karoli and Grunwald posed in front of some trees, the reissue used a photo from the album's back cover that featured only the trees.^.Author Michael Ochs has described the result as the "most complete cover-up in rock history." [Wikipedia]

Honorable Mentions: Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking; Jennifer Lopez - On the 6; and one of the Slunt records. Suggestions are welcome for a follow-up list...

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Here's Part One of a list that includes Keanu Reeves, vampires, Susan Sarandon, vampires, the devil, Keanu Reeves, the devil, and some more vampires.

Hey, horror's got a few good ideas and they're all recycled like Tipper Gore's vibrator batteries... or something equally irrelevant to this post.

5. Bram Stoker's Dracula. While this Keanu Reeves-Gary Oldman-Winona Ryder film directed by Francis Ford Coppola is well known, it's difficult to find sex scenes or even clips from it on YouTube or anywhere else. The film is nearly complete on YouTube, but with only this sequence intact and not the famous scene where Reeves is molested by a couple of hot, naked vampires. A tragic discovery, to be sure.

Another clip can be found here.

4. The Hunger. Ah yes, one of the most popular sex scenes of all-time, here for 432nd time. But would we have been forgiven for leaving out nude action involving Susan Sarandon and Catherine Denueve? Doubtful.

Hunger

3. Angel Heart. Remember the days before Mickey Rourke was a washed-up boxer? We don't remember them either, but how can we forget the most controversial sex scene of the 1980s, from this cult horror flick set in New Orleans that involved one of the Cosby girls. Say goodbye to network TV respectability with us...

Angel Heart

2. The Devil's Advocate. We may never understand why this gem (that's putting it lightly) of a sex scene is left off almost every list of the greats. Perhaps it disturbs some when they find out (SPOILERS!) that Keanu and Connie are siblings-- at least according to Satan, who would know. Bonus: two hot chicks, hallucinations, and the fires of hell-- don't miss this!

1. Embrace of the Vampire. Although you won't hear any arguments from us that #2 is the superior scene, we're putting this up in the top spot for pure raunch and "Unrated" hotness. In fact, if Alyssa Milano had never done Who's The Boss?, we think most guys would still know who she is, thanks to this ridiculous vampire sex film. Enjoy the scene embedded here and then feel free to poke around Metacafe for other clips from the movie.

Alysia Milano Sex Scene

More coming in a few weeks in Part Two... suggestions are always welcome...

Kate Winslet on America's Nudity Double Standard

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Amber Heard Finally Nails Her Breakthrough With This Sex Scene

Ron Jeremy On Sex, His Grandma, and Why Porn Was Better in the 80s

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

Ron Jeremy may have officially passed John Holmes as the greatest and most famous male porn star in history. If Time Magazine is catching on to the cultural phenomenon that is hipster Ron J worship, then maybe it's time to crown him...

Here are excerpts from the epic and exciting tale of one Ron Hyatt, some waiter dude from Queens who worked in the Catskills and has always had the world's worst mustache. Apparently, he has been in an adult film or two, and got his start by taking daguerreotypes of his wang and sending them to Playgirl by intercontinental pony express, which may have been illegal.

[When] people looked up R. Hyatt in Queens... they were getting my grandmother, Rose Hyatt, who lived downstairs. My poor grandmother was being woken up night and day, mostly by guys. Playgirl likes to think that their audience is mostly women, but no, no, the majority is gay. My poor grandma had to move.
I wasn't getting the liftoff as quickly as they did. It was embarrassing. It's funny because now, years later when I am not taking Viagra and the other guy does, I am still slow to the punch.
We were up in the Catskills, and I had a very good sex life, to the point where when I was once late to dinner and told the maitre d' I was with a girl. He said, and I remember his exact words, "Anybody else I would forgive but with you it's like brushing your teeth. You're late; you're being docked pay."
I just loved acting, doing dialogue. All my friends were still doing theater off-off-Broadway and I was doing film. Yes it's porn, but it still goes into theaters. They still had acting back then. They had big scripts. There were no videos back then, no DVDs, no Internet. I came at a time they called the Golden '80s.
Most of them had been to college. Some have come from broken homes, some from abusive homes. What I tell kids when I lecture in colleges is that porn is largely a microcosm of Hollywood itself. There were kids who wanted to do something goofy and crazy. Some were actors who wanted to go for an acting career, like me, and settled for this...
I just did [a porno] a few days ago, a benefit for a great New York director who has serious colon cancer. We all did a free porn film. I did a sex thing with a sweet girl named Candy, she's actually here because we did a scene and she is staying over. (Giggling in the background.)

Here's the rest.

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Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

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[Image]

Wil Wheaton's Greatest Hits

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:54:00 GMT

Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick!"

Wil Wheaton is in exile. Since going into "exile" on Typepad, he's been blogging his ass off, keeping internet nerds and other trolls relentlessly entertained. God bless him-- he's a charming ol' bastard (yes, child stars do grow up and become "middle aged." Witness the recent, hideous NKOTB reunion tour.) Running through his latest and greatest posts, we've presented a "Wil Wheaton Reader" of sorts:

-"It's funny you should ask," I said. "That's an illusion. You're actually fighting a level 18 Squidzilla."

-From a video he shared on fish deboning: "The wonder boner! My wife would like that."

-Regarding his new audiobook: "How long is it?" You say? "That's what she said!" I reply.

-Regarding the death of Majel Roddenbery, the wife of the creator of Star Trek: Since we got the news yesterday, a lot of people have asked me if I can tell a story as a way to remember her. I've dug around in the attic of my mind for hours, and the best I can do is: We always had fun when we were working on Next Generation, but when Majel was on the set, it was a party.

-On the possible Screen Actors Guild Strike: For the SAG board to even consider voluntarily stopping work when we're falling deeper and deeper into the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression isn't just stupid, it's recklessly irresponsible. SAG needs to face the reality we're stuck with: AFTRA sold us out. AFTRA fucked all actors everywhere by negotiating with the AMPTP on their own and agreeing to shockingly horrible terms. The AFTRA negotiators failed all actors, whether they're currently SAG, currently AFTRA, or are still hoping to join. Those "negotiators" should be ashamed of themselves, and they shouldn't be allowed in the same building as a contract ever again.

-Here's another one we agree with wholeheartedly: When I get stuck on anything, I go for a walk. When I get really stuck, I go for a drive, and then take a walk when I get to wherever I end up. I may not come home with lots of ideas, but I always come home with at least one. I also never know when something's going to strike me, which is why I always carry a little notebook and pen in my pocket when I leave the house. [pause] Man, I want to write a Cthulhu story now.

-"The thing is, my kids aren't especially interested in a serious Battletech fight ("When do we get to fight each other?" "Just as soon as we finish building our Mechs." "But we've been doing that for an hour!" "I know! We have to make sure they're just right ..."), and my wife glazes over every time I try to explain how awesome Illuminati is. ("AHAHAHAA! The FBI took over the Convenience Stores with help from Congressional Wives and Nuclear Power Companies! Hey, where are you going? Well, if you walk away from the table I'm just going to take your money and put it on my power structure. Why do you have your car keys? Honey? Hello?")"

-"You're a clever one, you are." "Not as clever as you think!" The dog said.

-"I do this silly thing on Twitter where I make up conversations with iTunes."

-And finally, regarding Comicons: "We can invade a hotel for a weekend, pretend it's like the cereal convention in Sandman, and recover enough hit points to survive our real lives until the next one."

Ah, real life-- who needs it with these blog posts? By the way, if you like the WWdN: Greatest Hits Collection, you should know that this is only a compendium of the best of December. Check the archives for more goodies...

Via Wil Wheaton's blog.

Against Your Wil (Wheaton)

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Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 22:02:00 GMT

In putting together this week's Top 5 Sex Scenes list, we rediscovered a lost gem... and decided against subjecting you to a clip from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, for which you should thank us...

#5: Pretty Baby. Until today, we had entirely forgot Sarandon was even in this movie... and, of course, that she was naked in it, touching her boobs with a wet finger. Yummy white powder.

#4: The Hunger. We've done this one to death... but how could you ever forgive us for leaving this off Susan Sarandon's list?

S Sarandon - Hunger

#3 & #2: Bull Durham. This one's a twofer, obviously. Who, in seeing this film, didn't run immediately home and knock everything off their kitchen counter/table for an evening of wild sex? And who among the single men who watched this movie didn't go home and knock everything off their table, just for the hell of it?

#1: White Palace. What is up with that sandwich? And why does it take her three seconds to get off once she's on top of him? These are just a small sample of the questions that a movie as bizarre and forgettable as White Palace will leave you with. Only the memory of this sex scene will keep you from having wasted your time.

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The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 10-6

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:26:00 GMT

We know we've bombarded you with sex scenes today, but it's Friday, and you deserve some relief.

And so we continue our list of The Sexiest Movies of All-Time with the first half of the Top 10...

10. 9 1/2 Weeks. The older guys in the neighborhood bragged about having seen this movie five times in one week. Obviously, they kept going back to the local one-screen movie house because of this film's naughty sex scenes. [NSFW clip.]

9. Y Tu Mama Tambien. This is one of the few films we've ever seen willing to admit that sex is almost always disappointing for straight women. Sorry, it's just the facts (which state that 60% of women are dissatisfied with sex, while 60% of men think they are great lovers.) Strangely enough, this also made it a great date movie-- the movie sets such a low bar for your post-DVD adventures that you're bound to have a memorable roll in the hay later on. Ana López Mercado and Gael García Bernal? The most underrated couple of the century so far. [NSFW clip.]

8. The Graduate. "Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?" They tried, they really tried, to make Anne Bancroft appear old, haggard, and Cleopatra-looking. They failed-- but not without success of a different kind-- she's still just as appealing as ever, when she was busy playing a seductress in forgotten Marilyn Monroe movies and other TCM staples. You may have forgotten how hot movies could be when they just allowed the actors to dance around each other in late-night awkwardness...

7. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down. How the hell do you make a rape fantasy movie this believable while keeping it sexy? You have Pedro Almodovar at the helm... and put together an incredibly desirable Spanish cast and try to keep things from become too absurd. Did it work? You be the judge.

6. The Summer of '42. It seems obvious now that Hollywood studios would line up to finance a cheap and tasteful coming of age sex drama, complete with a teenage boy's deflowering at the hands of the neighborhood goddess, but you have to remember that in 1971, there was no Porky's, Meatballs, or even-- gasp-- American Pie 2. The film, of course, was one of the most successful of the decade and went on to be imitated to near death. Near death.

SUMMER OF 42

Previously:

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 40-31

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Nerve once did a Top 5 Funny Sex Scene list. Unfortunately, we disagree with almost all of its choices ("The Graduate" being the only exception.)

Here's a new, much funnier list, with not only great sex scenes but barrels of laughs (we had a hard time imagining anyone would laugh at the raunchy sex in "Havoc.") Barrels of laughs during sex? Can't say we've ever experienced that... no, sir...

5. Animal House.

4. Because couldn't find clips for Being There or Sideways, another equally-worthy scene from Animal House:

3. M*A*S*H

In the TV show's entire decade long run, we doubt you could put together two hours as sidesplitting as the original Robert Altman film. This vintage trailer features some of the film's unforgettable dialogue and two or three of the best scenes in movie history, including this one (about 1:18 in.)

2. Team America: World Police. FYI: This is the R-rated version... which means there's no defecation (for better or worse.) Enjoy!

1. The Tall Guy. Yep, not only does our number one choice feature Jeff Goldblum (yikes!), it stars the boobs of one... Emma Thompson. Who could have ever predicted a sex scene with Emma Thompson (not to say she isn't hot) would be so memorable?

Runner-up: Being There, Sideways. (Couldn't find either online.)

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Top 5 Worst TV Spinoffs

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:17:00 GMT

Most great (or at least successful shows) have had as spinoff or two spun from them. Unfortunately, they are almost uniformly insulting to humanity.

Take, for example, these five forgotten fiascos... which we've brought back full force just when you had finally gotten over the painful experiences you had watching them the first time around...

5. A Man Called Hawk. This definitely has kitsch factor going for it-- otherwise, it would be far and away our #1 choice. This 1989 masterpiece, a spinoff of Spenser For Hire, has easily the most unintentionally hilarious opening credit sequence in television history. That's enough to earn it a place on our very short list...

4. The Tortellis. Remember Dan Hedaya? He was in the Usual Suspects and some other popular films, for one thing. Another thing: he played the absentee husband to Carla on Cheers... for six episodes. Not too long after, executives decided they needed to start spinning off their hit show for George Wendt and Kelsey Grammar vehicles (who woulda thunk that they'd have such hits?) One of their less-inspired ideas was this show, seen here in a bumper from its early days.

3. After M*A*S*H. Christ Almighty, hadn't this show been around long enough? After more than a decade on the air, M*A*S*H concluded in 1983 with one of the best and most-watched shows in television history, a finale so powerful and satisfying that even Hollywood would know to let it go out in style... oops. The next thing you know, After takes up where the original left off, set after the war in a veteran's hospital but it's really not the same without the blood and gallows humor. Or Alan Alda and his space alien voice.

2. Joey. A stiff, overrated primetime soap opera-comedy goes off the air as the #1 show... what do you do next? Apparently, find the third wheel character and expand his role into a whole new series. (Hey, it worked for Frasier, right?) It's even worse than you imagined when you heard they were doing it:

1. Saved By The Bell: The College Years. Say what you will about Saved By The Bell's original run (we'll say: worst long-running "comedy" ever, bar none), it couldn't have been as awful as this. Could it?

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Video of the Day: Take On Me

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 19:07:00 GMT

This is the video for "Take On Me," a song we don't normally enjoy much. So why link to the video, then? Because this time, instead of the lyrics, we get a song that narrates exactly what's happening in that sketchy, half-drawn world. Oh, so much more entertaining with its "magic frame" and "pipe wrench guys"

Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:30:00 GMT

There we plenty of great sex scenes in the 80s... we will certainly be doing a sequel to this list at some point, since there about 1,187 equally worthy clips to show you just from those ten years... hell, even Porky's had a couple of good ones in there...

5. The Hunger. Some will argue this is one of the best sex scenes, period. We can't get over the terrible direction and distracting, awful music. But, hey, it's hard for this not to be hot...

4. Angel Heart. The decade's most controversial sex scene involved-- gulp-- Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet, which caused her TV Dad Bill Cosby to attack her in the media.

3. Devil in the Flesh - known mainly for its inclusion on those memorable lists of legitimiate theatrically-released movies featuring actual on-screen sex, this film is very difficult to find except from Mr. Skin and whatnot. We've seen it, but we didn't want to pay to download it just for this post, so here's a link and, below, a screenshot:

2. Cat People... with six-and-a-half minutes of clips from the movie... no graphic sex here, although there is some in the film (if only we could find it on the 'net.)

1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. As if this needs an intro... you already know which scene we're referring to...

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Haaaaaaappy Birthdaaay Michael Jaaaaaaackson! Happy Birthday To You.

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Oh Michael you made it to another birthday and not just any birthday, but the big 50! Congrats, buddy. You are Thriller, you are Bad, and you've had some crappy plastic surgery and a few unpleasant legal battles, but here you are today...50. Wow. It seems like just yesterday you were a little boy just rocking that microphone.

UPDATE: Today, fans around the world celebrated the half century of MJ by naming "Thriller" his greatest song. Disagree?

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:44:00 GMT

In what will surely become the next blog-to-book success story, the Sexy People blogspot page has taken off, thanks to some of these hilarious submissions...

Sexy People wants you, too, to e-mail your greatest (read: most embarrassing) family portraits to: sexypipol@gmail.com. As site leader Renzo put it, "it's gonna be $tucazzopendo!" Here's what we consider stuca-whatever...

This guy's like Ashton Kutcher if he'd never landed That 70s Show.

And she's like Six Feet Under's Lilli Taylor in, well, any of her movies...

As for them... the first words that flashed across our minds were: "Wilson Phillips."

More via Sexy People.

Related:

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

Photo Essay: Revenge of the Cheated

Dear Margo Unsure What Sex Coupons Are

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Moss Doing Nude Orgy For Music Video

Nude Beachgoers Run Rampant In The Streets... As A Protest, Of Course

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

UPDATE: A Plethora of Penis Photos

Top 10 Toys That Made You Gay... in the 80s

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Gays and straights everywhere have been rejoicing over this newly-released compilation.

The Just Out blog gushed sentimentally:

For the record I had number 9, I wanted 8 and 5 very badly but never got them, and I had several pairs of number 3. I had no idea number 1 even existed.

The reason no one realizes #1 even existed is because we were so traumatized by its commercial that we blocked it out of our own impressionable little minds...

10 Toys That Might Have Made You Gay in the 80s

Does anyone out there remember these? And, more importantly, did you realize you were gay in the 80s... as a result of one of these ads?

Thanks to McNulty for the tip.

HGTV Star Prevented From Talking To Media Because He's Gay... Or Because He's In Gay Porn?

While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

Video of the Day: How Bread Was Made in the 80's

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

This is apprently how bread was made in the 80's. We're also starting to think this is how we were made in the 80's, because our mom totally would have gone for that guy (and probably still would... and maybe has... Dad?).

Watching Too Much Porn? This Will Set You Right

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:11:00 GMT

If they ran this three-minute disclaimer before every porno we ever watched, we'd definitely have healthier sex lives... and never want to actually watch porn. It's the video equivalent of a tub full of ice water, of hearing a twig snap in half-- in other words, the ultimate boner killer.

WARNING: audio is NSFW, although the boring camera setup certainly is. We kept expecting this Gennifer Flowers wannabe to jump on the desk and reveal her sexy stockings. We're guessing this could be why we didn't do so well in sex ed.

Double Viking - 80s PSA That Used To Run Before Pornos

When you're done with that, reward yourself with an ad too cool to ever be topped by any modern television commerical:

Double Viking - Salvador Dali Explains Alka-Seltzer

And one more: Have you been perverted by newsstand obscenity? An (early?) 60s PSA featuring "George Putnam, outstanding news reporter" may be of some assistance...

Girl Crush of the Day: Chrissie Hynde

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:49:00 GMT

(Are we allowed to do that? Well, we're doing it anyway.)

And no, it's not because she's wearing a PETA shirt; everybody knows we refuse to sleep with vegetarians.*

Being an aging female rocker can't be easy [blegh, sic], but Chrissie Hynde is pulling it off. "I'm just trudging along, you know. I wash every day, I've got my own teeth, and I don't dye my hair. I must be doing something right, as I've only canceled two shows in 30 years: once when the doctor said I would have a miscarriage, and once when he told me my eardrums would explode if I did the gig," the Pretenders star, 56, tells Britain's Guardian.

Chrissie, we want to be just like you when we grow up.

[Page Six: The Way to Age]

[Image via]

*Before you get your panties in an uproar, you should know we absolutely support the ethical treatment of animals, it makes them tastier. Also we spent a year as a vegetarian, so bring it!

80s Cartoon Moments That Made You Pee Your Ninja Turtle Footie Pajamas

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Here is a list of the most disturbing and tramatizing cartoon moments of the 80s. And yes, Seaspray from Transformers falling in love with a mermaid is there right alongside the naked Thundercats. But the thing that terrified us beyond belief as children is missing from this list. We have diligently tracked down this thing that kept us awake and shaking at night and embeded after the jump...for the sake of the children, of course.

This clip from Rainbow Brite just happens to be the first Rainbow Brite clip we found on YouTube. We weren't looking for it specifically, but you know what? It's fucking scary, because that whole show was fucking scary. We used to think that Murky and Lurky lived in our closet and waited until we fell asleep to carry us away and clearly shit like this is why. What the fuck are they doing to Moonglow? Why do they have her tied up like a torture victim? Where the Hell were our mothers when this shit was terrifying the crap out of us? Oh God, we need a cookie and a nightlight.