Scanner : text messaging

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse vs. Norway

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:17:00 GMT

All right, let's wrap up the new year with a deluge of crazy celebrity, sex, and celebrity sex news around:

Charles Barkley, rumored to be gearing up to run for Governor of 'Bama, was arrested for DUI in Arizona.

The list of the 19 worst Americans of 2008 is hard to argue with.

Wayne Bent, the leader of religious sect, was sentenced to ten years in prison for laying on a bed (and nothing more, supposedly) with two naked teenage girls.

Video games, even shooting games, cause people to have poor body image.

Congratulations to Sam Adams, the new Mayor of Portland, apparently the first openly gay man to ascend to that office in the country.

We all know these pervert teachers send text messages to underage students. What we never know is what they actually wrote.

Amy Winehouse faces drug charges in Norway on January 12th. They actually think she's going to show?!

And will 2009 be the year Flight of the Conchords becomes a cultural phenomenon? Let's make it our collective New Year's resolution, people.

Related:

Flight of the Conchords... Already Premiering Right Here, Baby

Amy Winehouse Gets Naked. For a Good Cause. For Real.

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:47:00 GMT

Allen Ginsberg actually believed (well, maybe that's too strong a word) Henry Kissinger would strip naked with him on national television in a bid to promote world peace.

The gay blogs are taking an "ex-gay" to task for appearing in anti anti-hate crime ads.

A divorced Mom in (surprise, surprise) Tennessee is not allowed to have her lesbian lover stay over. The lesbian lover has taken extreme measures to ensure the bigoted judge does not win...

Angel Chandler's partner, who has been with Ms. Chandler for nearly 10 years, was given a "paramour" restriction by the family court, despite the fact that a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation deemed Ms. Chandler's partner to be "a positive influence on her children." According to Jeanne Sager of Strollerderby, "The ACLU has stepped into the fray, filing a brief this week that urges the court to remove the paramour restriction, calling it unconstitutional for interfering with Chandler's abilities to raise her children as she sees fit."
For now, Chandler and her partner are getting around the ruling by living side-by-side in a duplex. [Jezebel]

If you consider yourself "trans" anything, it's better just to stay away from Memphis, as we've learned from this and other recent news stories.

Yay! Campbell's Soup is on the pro-gay side.

A New Jersey church is being sued for discrimination. These idiots think they are above the law or something? You can't discriminate against gay people, not even in Jersey!

If you're so upset at people for getting married and yet despise straight divorce, maybe you should get behind California's "Please Don't Divorce Us" campaign. Hey, you might learn something.

Battlestar Galactica has a gay character, it seems.

Poor Mickey Rourke is getting desperate in his bid for an Oscar. Check out the alleged text message he sent about rival Sean Penn:

“Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [Defamer]

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Pope Makes Insane Gay Metaphor

Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Oh, sorry. We thought the term "sexting" was the word on the street for teenagers sending sexually explicit text messages from phone to phone, but apparently the "exting" suffix is a little too niche for the broader problem, which is "tech sex."

According to a new poll, one in five US teens has sent nude or near nude images to someone by phone or email, and twice as many have sent "suggestive electronic messages."

We don't really see how this is any different than the coded messages our "friend" used to send to our pager in high school, except this takes all the fun out of us having to consult a phone key pad to figure out that he had a dream that he was shaving our pubic hair.

Anyway, this is apparently a problem, or else there wouldn't be a news story about it, right? But the real problem, as we see it is (as we've pointed out before): if you take naked pictures with your cell phone they will get leaked. We promise.

At least it's not unprotected anal sex.

[AFP: One in five US teens has had 'tech sex': study]

Video of the Day: Sexting

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Video of the Day: Sexting

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:28:00 GMT

If we had to guess, we'd say "sexting" is sending a text message booty call. We'd be wrong. "Sexting," apparently, is "sexy photos being sent from phone to phone.... a trend that teens and their parents ought to know about. "

Because, uh, you could go to jail for it.

via videosift.com

We're going to start using the term our way. Somebody's getting sexted this weekend!

Related:

When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

A Booty Call From Scanner, Er Salon, Sarah

Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

[Image]

We Present... The Cougar Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Poor Stifler.

A forty-year-old Syracuse, Utah mother of a very embarrassed high school boy had sex with at least two of his classmates and sent nude photos of herself to a host of others. Kimberly/Kimberlee Arigot, seen here in her mugshot, has allegedly been sleeping with the two teenage males, aged 15 and 17, for more than a year, while texting at least one other boy with whom she did not have sexual relations.

The Salt Lake City-area Mom, who is apparently single, has posted bail and is back at home, where several of the encounters are believed to have taken place. Early news reports indicate she has been charged with sexual relations with a minor and procuring alcohol for minors.

She has reportedly confessed to all charges.

Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

Kim Cattrall: The Magically Naked 52-Year-Old Woman

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Shots were fired at the motorcades of the Presidents of Georgia and Poland, although no one was hit.

A drag queen hosted a Miss Texas pageant, to the obvious horror of parents.

A boy in Florida was arrested for something heinous. No, we mean the reason he was arrested was heinous. Oh, never mind, you'll see:

Maybe the 13-year-old student at Martin County's Spectrum Junior/Senior High thought he was being funny by repeatedly and purposely passing gas during computer class.
His teacher, D.C. Carden, didn't bust a gut over the boy's breaking wind - not to mention his continuous turning off classroom computers - so he gave the boy a referral and sent him packing to the school resource officer for a little talk. "He subsequently informed me it was factual, and I informed him as a result of his behavior he was being charged with Disruption of a School Function,"

The boy was arrested for farting. He was released to his mom. No word on what he did in the car on the way home. [Blogs.Tampabay.com]

A teacher denied an inappropriate relationship with a young girl... until the girl was found in his closet. Whoops.

Hate crime is on the rise in Utah, down everywhere else.

A town near Barcelona is using solar panels atop gravestones to power itself.

They finally caught the Butt Bandit we warned you about.

11 Things He Wants From You, according to a male writer at MSN.

Boris Becker was dumped by text message. The woman in question was his fiancee.

And Madonna wants Britney Spears to move into her place... as some sort of ploy to get her back into Kabbalah... or something.

Related:

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

The Town Of Valentine, Nebraska Is Under Attack From The Butt Bandit

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:26:00 GMT

Sunday School: who knew it was so full of intrigue, sexual innuendo, and topless picture messages sent to 14-year-old boys?

It seems that one Somerset, Texas woman thought those Bible lessons and all that God stuff was mindless drivel and decided to spice things up by putting herself in a very tricky situation. Yesterday, Victoria Ann Chacon, who resigned her job as a Somerset Junior High School math teacher shortly after the investigation commenced, was arrested for sending her Sunday School student some pictures of her boobs. As is always the case in these stories, this idiot perv didn't remind her teenage friend to delete the photos, he left her phone lying around and, somehow, another adult figure flipped the sucker open and... oh my God, my eyes!

Actually, not only did they find nude photos, the boy's parents initially discovered written notes, an ancient art form from before the advent of texting:

The arrest affidavit states the mother of the 14-year-old boy told police she found two love letters from Chacon to her son. The affidavit also says that in those letters, "Chacon professes her love for the teen about how passionate he is, and about how she feels when she and the teen kiss each other."

...but it's of no importance. The point is that even Sunday School teachers are getting on the jailbait action. Will President Obama address this growing crises or will he allow these degenerates to continue to corrupt our young minds by ~~teaching them Christianity and math~~ engaging in appropriate love affairs with them?

More here and here.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Here's one for the ages: a thirteen-year-old boy has been busted for possession of child pornography after a female classmate sent him a nude cell phone photo...

The boy, a student at Sanger Middle School in Denton County, Texas, was arrested, kept in a detention facility overnight, and suspended from school after he received the unsolicited message. As one parent put it, "He doesn't know what a felony means. He doesn't understand what pornography means." His mother added, "He's a 13-year-old child. He's in middle school. He's supposed to be out there having fun, hanging out and playing football, which he loves to do. Instead, he's having to sit at home with mom and dad."

Notice Mom isn't at all concerned, it seems, about the fact that her son is getting nude photos from middle school girls he knows. Of course, if he doesn't know what porn is, he's probably not having sex either, so maybe their lack of concern is appropriate. (However, and though we'd rather defend than prosecute this kid, he probably should have deleted the photo right away, especially since school officials caught on and warned everyone to delete any inappropriate photos immediately. After all, he does live in Texas-- we wouldn't be surprised if he was tried as an adult, sentenced for four hundred years in jail, then watch as the sentence is "commuted" to immediate execution by firing squad. Just kidding.)

Read more about the case here. UPDATE: Just to be clear, the above photo is of a model for a porn site... at least, that's what a porn site has claimed. See my comment below...

Related:

Hot or Not: The Lily Cole Playboy Cover?

Nude Photo Book Just Made Famous French Actress A Lot More Famous

Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

24 Things Guys Do That Keep Them From Getting Laid

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:19:00 GMT

#21: see above tan.

Megan, who is guest blogging on Jezebel these days, has been stirring up the comment section's hornet nest over there, starting with her post "Men and Sex: A Guy's Guide to Getting It On." The list is almost totally spot-on... although we always have to wonder where girls find these guys... and why there weren't red flags before the guys made these glaring faux pas...

Don't pre-emptively tell me you have a small penis.
Don't drop the n-bomb during a discussion on the walk back to your place.
Don't ever say to me, "Your breasts don't look like the ones in my magazines."
Don't call it "my junk" or any pet names when asking me to touch it.
In fact, don't ask me to touch it. I know you want me to touch it. I will do so when and if I want to. If we are in a public place, I don't want to.
Don't text me on a Tuesday night after midnight "I could totally eat ur puss now if u r interwssetted." I'm not.
Don't lick my face. I get flashbacks from Silence of the Lambs.
If we are friends on a social networking site, I strongly recommend not joining groups that I can see that identify you as someone looking for anonymous NSA hook-ups. There aren't thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool.
Don't tell me you and your wife have "an arrangement." Unless you can provide a signed, notarized affidavit to that effect, I don't believe you and if you can, see the previous answer.
Don't ask me if my friend might be interested in a threesome.
I don't care if you and your friend are interested in a threesome.
Telling me how hard you are going to fuck me is only hot when we are a) naked and b) on the verge of fucking. In a well-lit bar in front of 10 of our colleagues at a work event, it's presumptuous and gross.
Don't keep offering to buy me more alcohol to work the odds when I've indicated a desire to leave. The odds are that I will drink your damn alcohol and still not want to have sex with you.
Don't try to guilt me into something. You are not my mother, and you don't have her skills.
Don't offer to Saran Wrap my genitals to eat me out because you are scared of disease. You should be. You probably have one, but we both know it's not from eating a lot of pussy.
Don't ask if it's okay to fuck me up the ass because you don't have condoms and are "scared" of getting me pregnant.
Don't hit on my friend(s) first. Yeah, I saw that.
Don't "neg" me. That works on insecure little 20-somethings that think they have something to prove. Me it just annoys and you are not remotely hot/smart/rich/powerful enough to intimidate me into thinking I want you to have sex with me.
Don't use a stupid euphemism for fucking. If The Bloodhound Gang used it in a song, it should not be called that if you're trying to actually get laid.
Never, ever utter the word or attempt to motorboat.

The post caused an immediate sensation that even woke up the cultural latecomers at the New York Times. Yesterday, Megan posted a followup that defended her choices:

It also inspired a response from The Times' Sathnam Sanghera, who said that "modern man is an impossible position when it comes to seduction." Um, actually, that's sort of the point. Seduction, is after all, by definition the act of convincing a woman to do something she doesn't want to do.

We thought, in a show of solidary with Megan and to add a voice to the communication meltdown that's threatening our very civilization, that we should round it out at a solid two dozen...

21. See above tan. If you look like that, go back to Square One and regroup.

22. Quit while you're ahead. If she's going for you, take it easy, settle in and enjoy the evening. Don't over do it.

23. Don't discuss the bill for more than two seconds. As Megan puts it, some people want to pay, some want to be paid for. With that in mind, feel her out on the check, then accept whatever vibe she's giving off.

24. Avoid creating controversy just to keep things interesting. Bringing up politics for the sake of keeping the conversation going ties back to 22.

Via Jezebel.

Related:

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Scanner Roundtable: Could You Date a Bisexual Man? (A Question for the Ladies)

MTV Launches Sex Talk Show, We Relive Our Awkward Youth

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Ellen and Portia's Wedding Video Makes Us Cry All Over Our Keyboard

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The leader of the dreaded Taliban in Pakistan is dead. Much to everyone's chagrin, his death is from kidney failure.

This new Dr. Drew sex show isn't going over well. Especially the stuff about Moms and their sons discussing each others' sex lives.

That nonsense about Russia being so close to Alaska? Turns out it's truer than we thought...

Owen Wilson's new addiction? Text messaging.

Sharon Stone is really starting to freak us out. Stop it!

And we were going to wait for the full Esquire feature, but it's taking forever to come out, so we'll just tell you what we know: Anne Hathaway has become the first Hollywood star to publicly praise anal sex:

“Every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing.” She adds that anal penetration makes her feel “feminine in a very special way.”

The actress also spoke at length about the significance selecting a trustworthy partner for first time anal encounters.

Via Pop Crunch.

Related:

Spencer Pratt Knows a Thing or Seven About Initiating Anal Sex

Karrine Steffans Asks That You Please Take Your Anal Beads Home With You

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Girl, Molested By Teacher And Guidance Counselor, Is Kicked Out Of School

Scanner Roundtable: Who's Your VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:59:00 GMT

He'll always be our VP... Grandpa Charles W. Fairbanks...

And we mean anyone: Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Martin Sheen, Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, whoever...

And hurry... Obama's announcement could come at any time, and then you'd only get to pick for McCain...

With seven of the most-named running mates listed to speak at the Republican National Convention, the veepstakes over John McCain’s vice presidential running mate is anyone’s guess.

The convention line-up, which will be held in St. Paul, Minn., from Sept. 1-4, features Connecticut Independent Democratic Sen. Joe Lieberman on the first night; former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge and Alaska Gov. Sara Palin on the scond night; former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal on the third night; and Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist on the last night.

The third night is the night the vice presidential nominee will give his acceptance speech. Other speakers that night include Cindy McCain, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina. [FoxNews]
CBS News has confirmed that Barack Obama's campaign now plans to announce Obama's vice presidential choice to supporters via email and text message on Friday afternoon. (This plan could change, of course.)

He will then appear with his running mate at noon the next day in Springfield, Illinois, CBS News chief political consultant Marc Ambinder reports.

Media reports today have suggested that Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine and Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as the names now atop Obama's list. [CBS]

So, if you had a write-in vote in this "process," who would you pick?

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Traitor Lieberman to Be GOP Vice President?

Charlie Crist's "Sex Tape" Could Land Him The Vice-Presidency

Obama Turns Hillary Down

Scanner Survey: What About the VP?

Hey Everyone: Let's Totally Punk Our Friends By Text Message!

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 20:49:00 GMT

Wonkette had the brilliant idea today to use an online texting service to fake out all the Obama supporters and other political junkies who signed up to get a message announcing the campaign's official Vice Presidential selection.

Let's try it out on everyone we know... and see if we can get one of them to spread the news around, causing utter chaos and maybe even some hilarious press coverage...

First, go here if you're texting a Verizon customer. (If not, skip to the next bolded text.)

https://text.vzw.com/customer_site/jsp/messaging_lo.jsp

In the "Send To:" box, enter the number of the Verizon customer friend of yours. Don't know anybody political that has Verizon? (Yeah, most of our friends have iPhones or are voting Bob Barr.) Just enter a random number, maybe it'll go through. We tried someone who doesn't have Verizon; as far as we know, they haven't gotten it. (Either that, or they're currently alerting the media that Obama chose Michael Phelps.)

If you don't know a Verizon customer, you can try this, although we can't vouch for it. (Sprint/Nextel may work here.)

Make sure to enter 62262 as the From and Reply To, although you can probably put a fake phone number in the Call Back field.

Let us know if you come up with anything funny to say. Otherwise, we'll keep waiting by our phones for the real announcement to come our way...

Related:

Oracle: Lieberman To Become 1st Two-Time Loser VP Candidate

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

Rumor: Obama About To Announce VP Choice

While You Were Sleeping: Better To Be Fat And Fit?

Female Teacher's Aide Guilty of Sex with 16-Year-Old Female Student

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 15:44:00 GMT

It began at a church summer camp (!) and ended when fellow school employees spotted naked photos of the 16-year-old on the aide's cell phone.

Melody Ybona Gawliu was a 24-year-old teacher's aide at El Camino High School in South San Francisco when she began having oral sex with an underage female student. Perhaps no one would've ever found out this was going on if Gawliu hadn't made three key, boneheaded mistakes...

First, she showed up at school with a massive amount of balloons for the girl's 17th birthday, which apparently first aroused the suspicions of fellow teachers and teacher's aides.

Next, she saved those nude photos of the jailbait girl on her phone, which snooping teachers later discovered.

And finally, she made the classic mistake of putting the relationship in writing, by texting the girl and telling her to keep quiet about it. Stupid!

Gawliu was initially charged with two counts of digital penetration with a person under age 18, attempting to dissuade a witness and felonious possession of sexual images of a person under age 18.

Digital penetration? Does this mean if we have virtual reality sex with Alicia Silverstone we're committing a crime?

Anyway, Gawliu does not have to register as a sex offender under her plea deal, which also limits her prison term to less than a year.

Via Current and Dumbass Daily.

Related:

New Orleans Politician Arrested While Getting-- How Perfect-- A Lap Dance

Hot Teacher Busted For Hosting Sex & Drugs Party

Creationist Teacher Burns Cross In Students' Arms

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

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"Hey there sex E girl" Text Message Haikus for Sarah Hepola

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:12:00 GMT

We told you a while back about former Scanner bad girl and fine-ass lady we'd love to put a baby in Sarah Hepola's Salon.com article on the artless art of the booty text (or Sext Message, as we call it).

All you skanky cell-phone carrying kids out there know, there's an aesthetic to the sext. A potential love buddy can win or lose your heart (or at least a drunken night in your bed) with a single emoticon. And the Hep is right, like it or not, the rules of grammar, like the rules of propriety, do not apply. Some of the best text messages we've ever gotten involved the words "Grrrrrrrrr!" and "Luvs."

Turns out that wooing (or just whoring) via text message is so entrenched in our love lives that Michael Gluckstadt at Gelflog decided to elevate the art by composing text message verse--sonnets and haikus, more specifically. Our favorite?

Hey there sex E girl
Ur lookin so nice tonight
I h8 not to bone.

h8 2 let them hav all the fun?? Leave your best booty text haikus in the comments.

[via The Morning News]

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:14:00 GMT

As many of you already know, Friday I was jetted away on a party plane to Las Vegas to celebrate the launch of Thrillist's Vegas edition. The best way I can think to describe Thrillist is Daily Candy for men.

I was skeptical at first. Party plane? Las Vegas? A party plane to Las Vegas? But after a few drinks I quickly warmed up to my new friends and even got all dolled up for the club (though I only stayed about 20 minutes).

But you know what I learned? You can put Scanner Emily in Las Vegas but she's still Scanner Emily... except when she's in Vegas she's not wearing a dirty t-shirt.. and that's something, right?

I learned a few other things, too...

5. Julia Allison is just as pretty in person.

I don't know how friendly she is because she didn't seem to want to talk to anyone who didn't have a camera, but yeah, she's pretty. And surprisingly kind-of normal sized.

4. SPF 15 is not enough.

Not even at 9 a.m.

3. What happens in Vegas stays on your ass.

After my drunk twittering, and before I lost $128 on the slot machines, I stopped off for what I thought would be a healthy dinner. I might as well have had a deep-fried burger dipped in mayonnaise and then deep fried again. I don't think there was any lettuce on my Thai chicken salad. But there was really too much dressing on it for me to tell.

2. Drinking and texting still do not mix.

Yes, I should have learned this lesson twice before. While I like to pride myself on my ability to, at the very least, spell check and keep anything I write mostly free of typos, drunk twittering makes me sound like a dumbass. "Hair jell?" Really?

1. I'm too old for Vegas.

While I had a lot of fun (thanks Thrillist and Jetblue!), I think I was the least drunk person on the trip. I did get drunk enough to misspell some shit, but I think I had a total of four drinks on Friday; many people were drinking at a rate of four an hour. A few years ago I would have gotten wasted just because the drinks were free, but I was thinking more about the way I'd feel the next morning and less about the fact that I probably could have gotten laid if I'd just poured back a few more. I got up early to explore the strip and waited in a line of about 40 people for an iced coffee from Starbucks. While everyone was recovering from their hangovers on the flight home, I kicked back, enjoyed a bloody Mary and cried hysterically while watching "The Notebook." Hm... maybe I'm not so old after all?

Related:

It's Friday the 13th and Scanner Emily is About to Board a Plane to Vegas

When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Julia Allison

A Booty Call From Scanner, Er Salon, Sarah

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Scanner Emily and Scanner alum Sarah Hepola met this weekend for the first time. Exciting, right? While we have no photographic evidence to back this up, Scanner Emily was super excited and we drank a lot and everybody had a good time. Even more exciting? Getting a text message booty call of sorts from Salon Sarah at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday morning.

Okay, okay it wasn't a real booty call. Nor was it directed at us exclusively, but Salon Sarah did write an article about text message booty calls that landed in our inbox at a very early hour, and we'd like to think that we're at least worthy of one of our own.

Now apparently Sarah is not much of a texter, and we can forgive her for that, especially because she hates abbreviations as much as we do:

Part of the problem is that I'm an annoying grammar snoot who refuses to abbreviate. I find it offensive to collapse the English language into emoticons and acronyms. I think text messaging has indulged everyone's worst impulses to ignore spelling and disregard punctuation. I'm a former English teacher; I've had throwdowns about the serial comma, and I used to 86 a guy if he misspelled "a lot." What am I supposed to do with "l8er" and "sez"?

SS we totes feel u alot.

But you know as well as we do, texting has is advantages and disadvantages. We've had entire sexual relationships develop over text messages and had other relationships fall to shit via the same medium. But can we really complain about how easy text messaging has made it to get laid? Because obviously you cannot:

About three months ago, I ran into Scott, who is charming and adorable and something of a scoundrel. We chatted and exchanged numbers, whatever, blah-blah. Later that week, I was five pints into an evening with friends and feeling the impatient, irrational call to action of someone who overstayed her welcome on the bar stool. Here's an idea, I thought: I should call Scott! But I was too shy, or too slurry, to actually make a phone call. What I could easily do -- well, what I could do with one eye squinted a bit -- was to type out a note to him and toss it to the satellites. I like to think what I wrote was clever and funny. I suspect it was, "Whatcha doin?"

He was there in less than 30 minutes. Like a pizza.

It was brilliant. So fast! So simple! If only everything in life could be so complication-free. I have always been the girl who wants to keep the party going, who doesn't want to go home when the bar lights cruelly flicker on. I would never dream of calling someone at 2 a.m. -- OK, I would, and I have, and I'm sorry -- but suddenly, with text messaging, I could just send an unobtrusive "You still out?" to the call list and voilà: instant after-party.

A few days later, Scott texted me at 2 a.m., and I redirected my taxi to his place.

So here's the problem: There's a reason why drunk-dialing someone at 2 a.m. invokes shame and embarrassment. It's because we probably shouldn't be doing it. What we should be doing is taking our asses home, drinking half a bottle of Gatorade and crashing into bed. My drunk self really doesn't need new and improved ways to stay out later, to get into more trouble, to do things I will ultimately regret. Maybe it shouldn't be so easy to get into someone's bedroom at 2 a.m.

Hey, Sarah. What'd you do after that party Friday night, huh? Because after you left we totally started in on the drunk texting around 2 a.m. And we saw you clicking away on that little phone of yours. Hopefully you had better luck than we did.

[Salon: U still up?]

Snooping: Do You Do It?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:18:00 GMT

iVillage is doing a series on women who snoop on their boyfriends and what, if anything, they find out from their spelunking. (Guys, are you really this dumb that you give away your affairs by constantly writing on your ex's Facebook Wall? Or that you take naked photos of your ex to work with you? Actually, on behalf of guys everywhere, yes, we are.)

By the way, we hope some guys comment on their own snooping, lest we start to think iVillage is sexist and that only women can go to extremes.

Seriously, ladies, speaking on behalf of gentlemen everywhere, if you find yourself doing any of the following, it's time to a) dump his ass and get to a better place with yourself or b) just DTMA! Seriously.

I recently saw on his Facebook that [his ex] is constantly messaging him and writing on his wall, poking him nonstop. They talk on MSN often, probably even more than we talk. I decided to check his conversation history on MSN between them…They have very in-depth conversations about how life could've been for them, and that if they could go back in time to that one day...
I installed spyware on my home computer to find his email password. His email led to my discovery that he was seeing two other women while living with me.
I tried a GPS tracker, and that showed me one time that his car was parked at a deli for three hours.

Listen to yourself-- you are installing a stalking device on your lover's car to find out where he goes, when, and for how long... dump. the. motherfucker. already.

For more painful memories, click here. And guys, don't forget, do you snoop? Fess up, in the comments.

[Photo: Mad Magazine]