Scanner : teenagers

On the Dangers of Excess

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

We are never going to win any graceful-lady contests by announcing this, but falling is funny. This video, dubbed "pound for pound, the most fail-packed :08 seconds on the web" by I-am-bored.com, illustrates why.

Video clips like this, as well as funny pictures of animals, are what the Internet is for.

Related:

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

Polish Teens Work Hard for the Money

Emily Farris — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:51:00 GMT

When we were 14 and decided that we just had to have every style of Doc Martens sandals and at least two pairs of boots to go with those Lucky jeans, we got our first job. We worked the counter at Chinese Delight in the food court of the Independence Center. It was fun, we made new friends, and every week we blew our entire paycheck at The Buckle. We worked hard for the money, but apparently not as hard as Polish teens who are turning to prostitution so they can buy clothes, concert tickets and expensive vacations.

A new report from the Poland Children's Ombudsman's Office shows that girls enter the sex business at fifteen or sixteen, while boys enter as young as fourteen or fifteen.

Twenty percent do it on their own free will. They choose to sell their bodies in order to earn money for brand clothes, fashionable gadgets or concert tickets. Material goods help them gain respect of their peers. “Young people feel they need to attend trendy clubs, wear brand clothes and have enough money for expensive alcohol and cigarettes in order to be accepted,” said Jacek Kurzępa, the co-author of the report.

Another reason why teenagers decide to enter sex business is the desire to earn money easily and quickly. It is a particularly tempting option for those who collect money for holidays, pets or tickets to all kinds of music and sports events, because it saves time. There is also a group of teenagers who prostitute themselves just for a thrill, to taste a forbidden fruit, says the report.

Prostitution is not perceived as bad or even shameful by many teenagers, the report shows. Young people, instead of calling prostitution by its name, use the term “sponsoring”, which softens its true meaning. For some, teenagers those who have a sponsor can even be role models.

It is becoming easier for teenagers to enter the sex trade nowadays than it was several years ago. Young people do not need to sell their bodies on the street. All they need is a computer with internet access, where they can find sex ads and place their own offers. Some of the teenagers are encouraged to prostitute themselves by their friends who already are in the business. “Twenty- or thirty-years-olds become prostitutes because they have to pay for studies or need money for their children. Teenagers sell their bodies in order to have fun,” said a sex agency owner.

Young people who choose prostitution as their source of income, a bonus to their pocket money, do not realize the real cost of it. In Poland there are not enough institutions or organizations which could help teenagers permanently free themselves from sex work, when they decide to, says the report. Even police are rather helpless when it comes to investigating consensual teenage sex cases since neither a client, nor a teen prostitute want their business to be revealed.

[News.pl: Teens prostitute themselves for brand clothes]

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: Sugar Daddies (and Mamas)... Would You?

Will the Spitzer Scandal Change the Way We Think About Prostitution?

Wall Street Madam Goes Down. Alone.

Disabled Girl May Win Runway Model Contest

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:29:00 GMT

She has four kidneys. Four kidneys, one hand, major digestion problems, and worse arthritis than your great-grandmother. And she's in the running to become the next Teen Princess UK...

According to the Daily Mail, 15-year-old Brit Maryelen Loughran idolizes former winner and tabloid magnet Katie Price and, despite having Motility Syndrome, which means she must keep a tube pumping food through her body for her entire waking day. But she is one of the strongest people we've come across in ages. Just check out these excerpts from her interview:

'My idol is Jordan, not because I want to be a glamour model, but because I think she is a strong independent woman who doesn't care what anyone thinks.
'I think having my disability - although I don't like to think of it as that - makes you think like that. It's worked for her and she is very successful.'

'He took some photos and then he posted them to us and I though why not give it a go - you have to have a positive outlook on life and can't be scared to try new things.'

Why not, right? It makes our problems seem ridiculously minuscule in comparison.

Via the Daily Mail.

Related:

America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

Celebrations: National Cleavage Day

Bai Ling Trying To Make Mickey Rourke Regret Dumping Her

Zac Efron's Sexual Awakening

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:07:00 GMT

We liberal athiests can talk all we want about the fact that virginity pledges and purity rings don't really work, but even with statistics, it's just us against them. But when Christian bloggers start writing about it, we have to ask: I can haz sex education?

Mark Gungor, a writer for the Christian Post writes:

A recent survey showed that teens who take abstinence pledges are just as likely to have sex and are less likely to take precautions against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Many in the faith community are disheartened by such study results, but I can see how this happens. And it’s not a problem with the kids; it’s a problem of parenting. Parents assume because the church is doing something like having the kids make abstinence pledges and wearing promise rings, they don’t have to do anything. Parents are not taking their responsibility to parent and raise these kids; they get them to take the pledge and then take their hands off. They allow these young men and young women to spend inordinate amounts of time together alone and think that a purity ring on their finger is going to be the magic force field of protection. Listen, for teenagers to have sex, they have to have the opportunity to have sex and poor parenting is giving them the opportunities.

Unfortunately, he goes on to advocate for less privacy for teens. You know, don't let your kids hang out alone in the basement. But hey, at least he uses the word boobies:

I am stunned at how blatantly stupid some Christian parents seem to be when it comes to sexual things. They let their kids watch all kinds of blatantly sexual images in movies and on television with little thought of how those images and messages can affect them. I know of a pastor friend who allowed his young daughter to see the movie Titanic at least 11 times. This same pastor was all worried about anything she saw that he deemed to be satanic, like Harry Potter, but not at all concerned about his 14 year old daughter learning the lessons found in a movie like Titanic. And the lessons are very simple: If you really like a boy you can let him see your boobies and he can draw pictures of your boobies, and if you really like him, you can have sex with him two days later…

Look, the chances of your teenage daughter wanting to jump on a broom and fly around the room are pretty low. But, the chances that your daughter’s boyfriend will want to touch her boobies, well… I’d give that a pretty big chance, wouldn’t you? Talk about straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel! We need to get our priorities straight.

What he forgot to mention are the chances your daughter will want to dry hump the hell out of that broom. And parents: let her do that.

[Christian Post: Abstinence Pledges Fail]

Related:

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

Michigan Backs Teen Pregnancy and the Spread of STDs with $1.4M Grant

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

Related:

The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Seattle Sex Shop Robbed

Do It Yourself, And Then With Yourself (Or the One You Love): Homemade Dildo Cam

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 22:47:00 GMT

Ovarian cancer, which is known as the silent killer because it's so hard to detect in early stages, killed 15,000-plus women in the US last year. But now, doctors are a step closer to developing a way to screen for it. [Us News & World Report]

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, who just got engaged last month, supposedly married in Savannah, GA this week. [People]

Gisele would like her new husband Tom Brady to put a baby in her. Right now. [Us]

The worst craigslist job posting of the day? Asking writers to contribute a story with a minimum of 2,000 words for $20 about how they have quit caffeine. One would have to be on some form of caffeine—if not crack—to be willing to write 2,000 words for $20. [Craigslist Kansas City]

In the wake of the Chris Brown Rihanna mess, Tyra Banks is devoting tomorrow's show to the topic of teen dating abuse. And Ms. Banks will add a personal touch to the conversation, though it appears her relationship was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive. [FadedYouth]

Study: "Back That Ass Up" Will Make You Back That Ass Up

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 19:25:00 GMT

Please forgive the incredibly dated reference, but our Hot 97 days ended around the time we stopped wearing eyeliner that was thicker than our eyebrows. It was either that or '"Freak Hoes" Will Turn You into a Freak Ho.' Point being, according to a new study, high exposure to lyrics that describe degrading sex is associated with high levels of sexual behavior in teens.

While we certainly don't think teenagers should be exposed to only degrading music, our first thought, of course, is that correlation does not necessarily equal causation, and it's quite likely that the same kids who are having sex at a young age also enjoy listening to songs infused with sexuality. Our second thought (which kind of ties into the first) is that if parents aren't telling their kids that the lyrics convey degrading acts they shouldn't participate in, they're probably not talking to their kids about sex. Plus (!!) the study was done only in Pittsburgh.

The research, published Tuesday in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, was conducted in three large urban high schools in the Pittsburgh area, and involved asking Grade 9 students about the number of hours a day they listen to music and their favourite musical artists.

"Music exposure is growing ... there is now unprecedented access to music and it's also becoming more direct, more explicit," said co-author Dr. Brian Primack of the Center for Research on Health Care at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

"Adolescents are exposed to six to eight hours of mass media messages per day, and since it is such an important exposure, we need to know if this is affecting health."

"We divided the cohort into three ... those who were exposed to the lowest amount (of music with degrading references), those who were exposed to sort of the medium amount, those who were exposed to the most," he said.

"And those who were exposed to the most were more than twice as likely to have had sexual intercourse, and that's even controlling for all of the other factors that we looked at that we thought might be related to uptake of sexual intercourse."

We'd like to know what other factors they're referring to, but the article doesn't mention them. Read the full article here.

Related:

Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Top 10 Teen Pop Stars

No More Dirty Dancing and Singing in Jamaica

[Image]

Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Gizmodo has been spending too much time on Google, trying to figure out what idiots and teenagers and idiot teenagers are looking up on the internet search engine. The results, if you're feeling lucky, are after the jump...

Our favorites, compiled by typing things like "How to" or "I have a large" into the search bar and noting what Google auotfills, are below:

5,310,000 pages from people asking or answering: How to get pregnant.
• 69,400,000 people asking How to make money.
• 32,600,000: How to get over someone.
• 3,290,000: Who do I have to be to make you sleep with me.
• 841,000: I have a large cat in my pants.
• 3,300,000: I have a large uterus.
• 112,000: I hate a lovely bunch of coconuts.
• 3,160,000: Why do I fart so much.
• 528,000: Why do indians smell.
• 63,500,000: Why do I sleep so much.
• 680,000: Why do I have green poop.
• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 11,000,000: Why women have affairs.
• 36,500,000: Why women lie.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party (at Jason's house, in Jason's pants).
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.
• Almost 800,000,000: Who do I vote for.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife [114 million people are nuts]

Some we found on our own:

why i hated breaking dawn - 326,000 hits (um... what is Breaking Dawn?)

why i have to live - 1,340,000,000

my teacher has a crush on me - 467,000

i still wet the bed - 5,860,000

And more Gizmodo...

• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 610,000: I have four sides, all opposite sides are parallel, I have no right angles. What am I.
• 126,000,000: When to say I love you.
• 2,730,000: Sleep is for sissies.
• 2,890,000: I smeel like poop.
• 1,400,000: I have a hard time swallowing.
• 338,000: I have a big bag of crabs here.
• 1,060,000: Sex is for making babies and revenge.

Read the rest here.

We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

Model Suing Google Over Blogger's Mean Remarks

Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful
Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings
Video of the Day: Have You Taken Your Virginity Pledge Yet?
Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The newest star on Obama's shortlist for a cabinet post: Hillary Clinton, with Secretary of State the likely job. Meanwhile, Obama will resign his Senate seat early (this Sunday) instead of waiting for the Constitution to push him out.

Nebraska is in chaos, with all sorts of parents trying to drop off their rebellious teens under the Safe Haven Law.

Finally, a talk show host who might actually be funny:

John Mayer is in talks with network executives to take his singing talents to the small screen - as the host of a weekly variety show.

Rod Stewart and Ron Wood's original breakthrough group, the Faces, may be getting back together. We're trying not to get too excited because there's not even a hint of an American show.

A cleaner at a zoo in Singapore either lost his mind or was on some powerful narcotics when he wandered into the tiger exhibit. Oh boy... not pretty.

A nudist was cleared of all charges for riding his bike at night in his Oregon neighborhood.

Taylor Swift might quit country music at some point to become a surgeon.

And Adrienne Bailon's publicity stunt may have paid off: Playboy liked the ass shots, and now want to see more... with $100,000 as their offer.

Note to Disney: Stop Hiring Future Porn Stars

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

China Joins The Sex Hotel Trend

Dita Von Teese Graces Us With These Playboy Photos

Life with the Obamas... in the White House

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Before the news about Lehman Brothers and Merrill Lynch knocked everything else off the front pages, the New York Times had a story about teenage makeout parties in Chile, which, they term, "was once of Latin America's most sexually conservative countries."

The best part about these Chilean makeout fests is that they are actually contests... making it pretty hard to imagine Chile having been "sexually conservative" in the recent past...

[T]he youth of Chile are bumping and grinding to a reggaetón beat. At the Bar Urbano disco, boys and girls ages 14 to 18 are stripping off their shirts, revealing bras, tattoos and nipple rings.

Everyone is making out, some without even saying a word to each other first...

About 800 teenagers sway and bounce to lyrics imploring them to “Poncea! Poncea!”: make out with as many people as they can.
And make out they do — with stranger after stranger, vying for the honor of being known as the “ponceo,” the one who pairs up the most.

Wow-- haven't these people ever heard of mono? We're guessing they're all pretty much past that phase already. We can't wait for the promoters to realize they can follow up with a sequel, maybe for a slightly older crowd, one that involves chanting "Blow! Blow!"

We think you can guess what we mean by that, although we'll give you a hint: it's something you see on every tropical beach during spring break.

Photos via the New York Times.

Related:

Nine British Women In Beach Bust After Oral Sex Contest

Video of the Day: What's German For Blow Job?

While You Were Sleeping: Porn Star Solves The Catholic Crisis

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Sloppy Seconds: Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:10:00 GMT

Now that Helen Mirren has been ordained (or whatever it is) as an Order(ly) of the British Empire and has met the Queen that made her super famous, she has really let herself go in interviews...

On date rape:

“I was, yes. A couple of times,” the Oscar-winning Queen actress says in the October issue, recalling her experiences being raped as a youth in London. “Not with excessive violence, or being hit, but rather being locked in a room and made to have sex against my will.”

And while Mirren defended a woman’s right to say “no” at any point, she’s not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

“I don’t think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances,” she continued, “It’s such a tricky area, isn’t it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don’t think he was a rapist.”

IMDB adds:

she didn't have the courage to stand up to men who wanted to have sex with her. [IMDB]

On her drug use:

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. “I loved coke,” she continues. “I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties.” (She also says she hasn’t touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

“Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy,” she adds. “And I woke up one day and thought, ‘No more of that, thank you.’ ”

On shoplifting: she did it in her "very poor" days and still practices some of that same down-and-out lifestyle: she buys the cheapest sunglasses and cuts her own hair. Wow, can you cut ours-- yours always looks fabulous, Your Royalness.

Helen Mirren's Penchant For Nudity Wins Award That Doesn't Just Exist In Our Minds

Who's Hot For Prostitutes? Dame Helen Mirren

Sloppy Seconds: Dita Von Teese's Lesbian Porno

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Todd Solondz Moves Reign of Terror Off Shore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:35:00 GMT

For the seventh time now, director Todd Solondz is returning to work hoping to make someone else uncomfortable with his unique perspectives on sexuality, identity and suburbia. For the first time, Solondz has jettisoned his normal Jersey environment for a new location….

People of Puerto Rico, take cover!

The upcoming film, originally called Life During Wartime and focusing on the Iraq war, is set to begin shooting this fall – just as the cooling temperatures begin to effect the body’s ability to long distance run, or in this case, swim. According to JoBlo, the film is

a proposed semi-sequel to his twisted cult classic "Happiness," starring Demi Moore, Paul Reubens and Emma Thompson among others, as people twittering on the edge of an unpredictable, sexually alienating world (sounds about right), and is slated to begin shooting in October.

Once again creating a pseudo sequel to an earlier film that met some acclaim and failed to fill many theatre seats, LDW is building on a story that previously dealt with statutory rape, sex crimes and a dog eating a teenagers first ejaculate.

Todd Solondz can be a brilliant man. But… the friendly threat of a new feature coming our way is enough to make ones cheeks clinch until one hundred percent, scientifically verified, confirmation that it is safe to let go.

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:02:00 GMT

We're not condoning hosting parties at your parents' house in New Hampshire at the age of fifteen and getting your friends to get drunk and run around in the streets naked... although if you do repeat this incident, please take pictures, censor them so we don't go to jail, and send us evidence that your high school experience is way better than everyone else's...

Otherwise, we don't believe a word of it...

According to the public police log, the neighbor called the homeowner in New York and at 11:44 p.m., told police the teens were drinking and running in the street unclothed.
When officers got to the residence, one teen fled and a police dog from Rochester was called in to track his direction of travel, said Maloney. The scent led to a parent's home in Rye, where the parent refused to allow police inside to search for her son, police say.

This must've been one smart police dog (was it the one from that Jim Belushi movie?), because it wasn't long before the fugitive nudist was apprehended at a different residence. (Side note: how funny would that be? It's midnight in New Hampshire and you're probably asleep-- the doorbell rings and it's a naked fifteen-year-old, asking if he can come in, covering his privates with one hand and waving from the porch with the other. So... you let him in, clothe him, and don't tell the police he's there? And and and... does this count as harboring a fugitive? Because that would be hilarious if the police charged whoever housed the kid with that...)

Before we get completely sidetracked, also note how the party continued... at the hospital, for God's sake:

At 1:56 a.m., an officer was called to Portsmouth Regional Hospital "to help restrain an out of control juvenile" who was brought there from the same underage party, according to the public police log. [Seacoast Online]

That one time we had a party in high school, there wasn't even enough rum for the girls to get the perpetually-naked-jock-dude to take off his shirt... my, how times have changed...

Related:

Teen Prisoners Have Wild Sex Party on Valentine's Day

Video of the Day: JC Penney Wants Your Kids to Have Sex?

Researchers Shocked and Appalled to Find Young People Use Drugs and Alcohol to Enhance Sex

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Video of the Day: JC Penney Wants Your Kids to Have Sex?

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Oh, hey J.C. Penney, is that a fully-erect, lubed-up penis in your pants or are you just happy to see us? Because we're pretty sure it's a penis and you've got it aimed at teenagers.

In this commercial, two teens practice getting dressed as quickly as possible so that if the girl's mom walks into the basement, they'll be able to look like they're "just watching TV."

Now, don't get us wrong, we're not opposed to the idea of teenagers having sex, as long as they're mature and educated enough to be smart about it. So it's not really the premise of this commercial that has us all confused, it's the fact that J.C. Penney — that dumpy department store in the dumpy mall that sold kind-of dumpy clothes (which were often our "back to school clothes") — is blatantly endorsing teenage sex.

We'd honestly be a lot more comfortable with it if the Trojan logo popped up at the end instead of the J.C. Penney logo, but maybe that's just us. And maybe that's only because we associate J.C. Penney with our grandmother.

What do you think?

[Adrants via YBNBY]

Related:

Today in Master Debating: "Sex and the Teenage Girl"

What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

Teenagers Can't Even Go Swimming Without Facebook Anymore

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:45:00 GMT

Oh God, kids these days and all their technology and destructive tendencies. It seems the latest trend we should get totally freaked out about is "dipping." From what we can tell, and bear with us because we don't Twitter or Facebook or have an iPhone and are therefore sort of naive about things like this, dipping involves scouting out swimming pools on Google Earth and then using Facebook to invite people to sneak into the pools at night.

Yeah, back in the Dark Ages of 1997, we used to do bascially the same thing. But instead of Google Earthing the pools, we just drove around looking for them, which is, you know, not fuel efficient. Pool owners should just do like our neighbors and get a really mean dog. Or maybe there's some sort of robot guard dog you can get instead...

Ah, yes, of course there is.

Miley Cyrus Proves Once Again That She Is--Gasp!--a Regular, Old Idiot Kid

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:26:00 GMT

OK. This is a photo of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus cuddling up to one of her 22-year-old backup dancers.

Weird. Yes. We agree. But we are going to suggest a new perspective on the whole thing that should take some of the yuck away. Ready?

She’s FIFTEEN! Seriously. Remember FIFTEEN? It’s when you do things like chase after loser 22-year-olds who are up to no good, pose for raunchy photos, and, in our case, kick holes in walls, wear enormous clothing, scream, swear and play music very, very loudly.

See when you look at things that way, she’s not the next Britney Spears, she’s just 15. Maybe if Lindsay Lohan had acted out when she was actually supposed to there would have been one less 20-something in high profile rehab last year. Then again, she is a celebrity and they have really shit luck when it comes to surviving self-destructive tendencies. So if Miley winds up pregnant, shit-smeared and crack-fueled feel free to leave an "I told you so" in the comments.

Hey George Bush, See What Your Abstinence-Only Education Has Done to America's Youth?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:01:00 GMT

They're having more sex and using fewer condoms.

Is there any generation you haven't screwed in your eight long years as president?

Teenagers are having more sex than they were in 2001 and condom use declined after the U.S. government increased spending to promote sexual abstinence.

The percentage of teens who said they had sex rose to 47.8 percent last year from 45.6 percent in 2001, according to data released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. Condom use fell from 63 percent in 2003 to 61.5 percent in 2007, the survey of high school students found.

The Bush administration has more than doubled grants for abstinence programs since 1999 to a proposed $191 million in next year's budget. The programs limit discussions of contraceptives and advocate that teens avoid sex. The CDC study didn't attempt to explain why teen sex isn't declining and condom use isn't rising, as they were during the 1990s.

``We are concerned about what appears to be a flatting-out of sexual risk behaviors,'' said Howell Wechsler, director of CDC's division of adolescent and school health, in a conference call with reporters today.

That's it. We're handing out condoms with little how-to's this Halloween. In fact, we're going to start a campaign to hand out condoms to trick-or-treaters. Tricks and treats.

[Bloomberg: Teens Having More Sex and Using Fewer Condoms, U.S. Study Says]

Related:

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

New Sex Exhibit in France... For Kids

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

R. Kelly is So Screwed

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 May 2008 16:58:00 GMT

A former back-up singer for R. Kelly broke down in the courtroom yesterday after admitting something that will probably get him sent to jail for a long, long time.

Stephanie "Sparkle" Edwards told those in the room that she was the one to introduce Kelly to his, uh, co-star in the now infamous sex tape. And that the girl most certainly was 12 or 13 at the time.

Kelly and the woman believed to be in the tape with him (who is now 23) have both denied making the tape, but like we've mentioned before if the prosecution can prove it's Kelly and the young woman in the tape, he's so screwed (in prison).

Edwards' testimony seems to help the prosecution in a big way, because like she said, "you just know your family."

[Yahoo!: Former backup singer implicates R. Kelly at trial]

[MTV: R. Kelly's Ex-Protege Sparkle Testifies That Girl On Tape Is Her Niece]

R. Kelly Sex Tape: Set to the Tune of the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:07:00 GMT

We never saw the R. Kelly sex tape when it made the rounds in 2002, so forgive us if we're a little shocked that it's set to the tune of the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys. Maybe focusing on that is our brain's way of blocking out the rest of it.

The jurors sure did see the tape yesterday, though. And they'll probably have to see it a few more times because it appears the only way Kelly is going to get off in this case is if the jury decides it's not him in the tape.

Anyway, for those of you lucky enough to have not witnessed it, here's what a jury of 12 of Kelly's peers were forced to endure yesterday:

The roughly 27-minute homemade video shows a man having sex with a young female, who is naked for most of the recording — except for a necklace with a cross dangling from it.

At the start of the videotape, the man hands the female money and she mouths the words, "Thank you." She is often blank-faced, impassive. The man speaks to the female in a hushed, monotone voice, and she calls him "Daddy."

Songs from the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys blare from a radio. The female dances — the man out of view. Back in view, he has sex with her. The man walks up to the camera to adjust it a few times, but his face is often obscured.

As she dances, the female urinates on the floor. Near the end of the video, the man urinates on the female.

Okay, the peeing we almost get (almost, we said...but we hope the floor wasn't carpeted!) but the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls?

Maybe she really was 13, because when we were around that age we decided that we would someday lose our virginity in a candle-filled room with the Girls' "2 Become 1" playing in our purple CD player. If only it would have been like that and not to our manager at Just For Feet (the world's largest athletic shoe store) in his apartment behind the bowling alley.

[Yahoo!: Sex tape shown to jurors, court in R. Kelly Trial]

Got Miley?

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Miley Cyrus went and got herself a milk ad. 100% Scanner approved...

...even if her top lip is covered in creamy, white stuff.

We used to have this "bit" where we'd put sour cream or whipped cream or whatever all over our mouth and plea, "But Mom, we were only making out!" We'd do it way before we knew what it meant, you know, because we saw some older girls doing it. Ah, teenagers.

[via Gabby Babble]

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Whenever we take a friend (sexy or not) back to our hometown, a stroll around the old neighborhood rapidly devolves into a tour of who we had fumbling awkward makeouts with and where. The garages, the playgrounds, the convenience store bathrooms, we could practically draw you a map.

Looks like Igor, lord and master of Driven By Boredom, has done exactly that. Looks like he has a similar sex-tinged past, and has created a Google map to celebrate his formative touch and grab experiences. It's intense, and involves the filthiest of photographic mediums, Polaroids. The creepy little voyeur in you will sing, and waste half a work day.

Teenage Scanner Loves Teenage LiveJournal Drawings

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 07 May 2008 18:59:00 GMT

There's a meme of people drawing themselves as teenagers on LiveJournal. The results are totally amazing. Check out the boy who would have been Scanner Nicole's high school boyfriend below.

Teenage MINIVANSAREPUNK would totally have appreciated Nicole's buzz cut and nine earrings. Plus we could have bonded over a devotion to Run-DMC. All fine and good, many cigarettes would have been lovingly smoked together under the viaduct planning our matching tattoos. But, all the while, Scanner Nicole would have been secretly in love with her best friend....OhArlene.

If you've drawn yourself, link in the comments and maybe we'll cheat on our bf and gf with you!

May I See Some Identification, Please?

Emily Farris — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:13:00 GMT

This 18-year-old girl is being charged with rape. No, it was not a slumber party gone bad. Let's just say she should have checked the guy's identification first, considering he was 13 and all.

Okay, should she really have checked his identification? Probably not. Should she be able to tell when a 13-year-old is lying about his age? Probably.

"He said that he was 16, going to be 17 in January, and two months later, come to find out, his mother called Jessica's mother and told her that he was only 13 going to be 14," said Kim Nickels, the family friend...

We're kind-of of the belief that if your parents are making calls on your behalf, you probably shouldn't be having sex. But maybe we're old fogeys. (Old fogeys without rape records!)

The victim, who was said to be a sixth-grader, met Lee while they were attending Broadmoor Technical School in Overland Park, Kan., last year. The facility is a school for trades and an alternative school for elementary to high school students.

All very sad, especially considering that "alternative schools" in that neck of the woods are generally for kids with serious learning or behavioral disorders, or both.

Part of us hopes she doesn't get more than a slap on the wrist, some community service and mandatory sex exuction, but we know that when the tables are turned young men often face serious jail time and fines. Or maybe she did know and she should spend some time in jail.

What would you do if you were a parent or a prosecutor involved this situation?

[KCTV5: Woman Accused Of Raping 13-Year-Old Boy]

New "Gossip Girl" Ads Make Us Feel a Little Funny Down There

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:31:00 GMT

We watch Gossip Girl when we remember that it's on, which isn't very often, but correct us if we're wrong: wasn't it originally intended for teenagers? Boozing, copulating, mature beyond their age teenagers, we have to assume, because these new steamy ads should at least have a NC-17 rating.

'Twas not too long ago we were teenagers watching Dawson's Creek and thinking to ourselves that the mere mention of sex handled so casually by Katie Holmes was scandalous for the then WB. Looking back, that shit was as mild as Sesame Street compared to Gossip Girl. And we kind-of like it, which kind-of makes us feel like pedophiles, or sad, old farts.

On that note, we're pretty sure Blake Lively (Serena) is having an orgasm in the following ad, and that is so not Dan giving it to her.

[Photoshelter: Oh CW, I'm blushing.]

High-Frequency Device Drives Off Loitering Teenagers

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:36:00 GMT

Teenagers who hang out inside one Queens, New York apartment building are being driven away by a device called "The Mosquito" that emits a "high-frequency screech" only people between the ages of 13 and 25 can hear. It creeps us out that there is a noise only teenagers can hear. It is possible that, when we were 15, this high-frequency ringing was also giving crappy advice like: "pierce your ears nine times," and "drink that whole bottle of Cognac."

Teen Prisoners Have Wild Sex Party on Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:00:00 GMT

It seems some Australian teens took a page from our homeboy Corey Worthington over Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, these teens were juvenile delinquents who were supposed to be guarded and locked down but who instead paid an unexpected and well-received visit to a nearby girl's dormitory.

Having spent time in the tank as a teenager myself, speaking strictly as Scanner Brian, I can definitely say that I would've rather snuck out to visit the girl's prison than to make any sort of daring escape. Then again, I would've probably been too terrified to just waltz into another prison and propose a wild orgy on Valentine's Day, as these lovable tykes apparently did:

A Territory mother said she was "furious" when her 15-year-old son - who is serving three months for a minor crime - told her he had taken part in the jailhouse sex escapade.

"He told me that they had all had sex in the one room - it was a big Valentine's Day sex romp," the 31-year-old mother said.

The guards had left the doors open-- in the male and female lock-ups, it appears-- on Valentine's Day and the guys and girls congregated for some consensual lovemakin'.

The mother said her son and the other teens had laughed off the orgy as "fun and games".

But she said several parents were now "in talks" with a lawyer about possibly taking civil action. "One father of a girl involved said he was going to sue the pants off them," the mother said.

Yep, that prison is in deep doo-doo. Ironically, the party animal of the Aussie nation has shrugged off the wrath of his parents and is going into the party-making business big time. Man, and we thought America had f-ed up that whole parental guidance thing...

[Link: News.com.au]

[Previously: Famous Glasses.]