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10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:56:00 GMT

We continue our two-part series with some of the screen's top stars... some of whom are still box office draws, despite what the media wants you to believe...

Helen Mirren, 63

Helen Mirren never has to worry about studly husband/director leaving her for one of his younger leading ladies, since none of them can hold a candle to her talent, classiness, sex appeal, and status as an Academy Award-winning screen legend. The above photograph of the star in her bikini last year lit up internet wires across the globe-- for example, our traffic went through the roof the day we posted it. Thank you, Helen Mirren, for being our muse.

Carly Simon, 63

It's been a long time since James Taylor spotted Carly Simon's "incredible long legs" passing by on a summer day in a small Massachusetts town. Since then, she wrote a song about him, "You're So Vain," (or was it Warren Beatty?), won several Grammy's, topped the charts a million times over, and developed a solo career that has long outpaced her (now ex-)husband's. Simon and her gloriously pretty teeth and, we're guessing, still-dynamo gams continue to record and tour... but not often enough.

Susan Sarandon, 62

Tim Robbins whined about not being able to vote as his regular polling site last November, which must've made him feel really ridiculous when he woke up the next morning and realized, "Holy balls! Forget all my troubles-- I'm still sleeping next to the babe from Bull Durham any Playboy's best boobs 1981!" Speaking of those marvelous mams, it's difficult to pull off a dress like that at any age, let alone hers, without causing a media (i.e. tabloid journalism) firestorm, but here she is in all her glory...

Meryl Streep, 59

If anyone out there worries about how their "looks" will hold up at the age of 59, just take a gander at the Before and After photos of Streep depicted above. She is one of the greatest actors of all time, rivaling Olivier and Hepburn, and draws hundreds of millions in box office every year as one of the biggest names on the planet. But more importantly, at least for our purposes here, Streep is somehow more beautiful than even in 1977, when we first saw her in Julia. Can a nude, comic romp in a "getting old and falling in love" movie with Jack Nicholson be far behind?

Pam Grier, 59

Can you believe there's an African-American actress in her fifties who made a major comeback more than ten years ago and is still a major star, albeit on television, as she approaches her 60th birthday? Well, you wouldn't know it from the media. The announcement that she was joining the cast of the Showtime series the L Word was met with little tongue-wagging. Of course, that all changed the moment we saw how drop-dead gorgeous she remains-- not to mention the collective sigh of relief when it turned out the show's writers weren't going to blaxploitate her into irrelevancy. We eagerly await her next career move now that the show is sadly off the air.

Crush of the Week: Lisa Batiashvili

Cindy Crawford: Still Naked At 43

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part Two)

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Here's Part One of a list that includes Keanu Reeves, vampires, Susan Sarandon, vampires, the devil, Keanu Reeves, the devil, and some more vampires.

Hey, horror's got a few good ideas and they're all recycled like Tipper Gore's vibrator batteries... or something equally irrelevant to this post.

5. Bram Stoker's Dracula. While this Keanu Reeves-Gary Oldman-Winona Ryder film directed by Francis Ford Coppola is well known, it's difficult to find sex scenes or even clips from it on YouTube or anywhere else. The film is nearly complete on YouTube, but with only this sequence intact and not the famous scene where Reeves is molested by a couple of hot, naked vampires. A tragic discovery, to be sure.

Another clip can be found here.

4. The Hunger. Ah yes, one of the most popular sex scenes of all-time, here for 432nd time. But would we have been forgiven for leaving out nude action involving Susan Sarandon and Catherine Denueve? Doubtful.

Hunger

3. Angel Heart. Remember the days before Mickey Rourke was a washed-up boxer? We don't remember them either, but how can we forget the most controversial sex scene of the 1980s, from this cult horror flick set in New Orleans that involved one of the Cosby girls. Say goodbye to network TV respectability with us...

Angel Heart

2. The Devil's Advocate. We may never understand why this gem (that's putting it lightly) of a sex scene is left off almost every list of the greats. Perhaps it disturbs some when they find out (SPOILERS!) that Keanu and Connie are siblings-- at least according to Satan, who would know. Bonus: two hot chicks, hallucinations, and the fires of hell-- don't miss this!

1. Embrace of the Vampire. Although you won't hear any arguments from us that #2 is the superior scene, we're putting this up in the top spot for pure raunch and "Unrated" hotness. In fact, if Alyssa Milano had never done Who's The Boss?, we think most guys would still know who she is, thanks to this ridiculous vampire sex film. Enjoy the scene embedded here and then feel free to poke around Metacafe for other clips from the movie.

Alysia Milano Sex Scene

More coming in a few weeks in Part Two... suggestions are always welcome...

Kate Winslet on America's Nudity Double Standard

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Amber Heard Finally Nails Her Breakthrough With This Sex Scene

The Great Tina vs. Kate Debate Rages On

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 22:05:00 GMT

Yesterday we asked which award winner you'd rather and the comments are still rolling in...

As Scanner Brian mentioned [yesterday] morning, Tina Fey and Kate Winslet are sweeping 2009 awards, both taking home Golden Globes and SAG honors. And in the spirit of keeping women catty and pitted against each other, we have to know which one you'd rather. So, who will it be? The challenger and funny girl of every man's dreams, Tina Fey, or our reigning champ from the WWYR Golden Globes Edition, the sultry Brit Kate Winslet? Decisions, decisions!

Read More...

Who Would You Rather: Tina Fey vs. Kate Winslet?

Emily Farris — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 23:13:00 GMT

As Scanner Brian mentioned this morning, Tina Fey and Kate Winslet are sweeping 2009 awards, both taking home Golden Globes and SAG honors. And in the spirit of keeping women catty and pitted against each other, we have to know which one you'd rather. So, who will it be? The challenger and funny girl of every man's dreams, Tina Fey, or our reigning champ from the WWYR Golden Globes Edition, the sultry Brit Kate Winslet? Decisions, decisions!

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Who Would You Rather: Golden Globes Edition (Kate vs. Sue)

[Image, Image]

Who Would You Rather: Golden Globes Edition (Kate vs. Sue)

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Even though she was left off of Scanner Ina's best dressed list for last night's Golden Globes, we think Kate Winslet looked amaaaaazing. We're glad her second speech went on and on and on because we didn't want to take our eyes off of her. Equally stunning, however, was the always beautiful Susan Sarandon (in her pants and all).

Related:

Golden Globes Best Dressed: How J-Lo's Ass Finally Won Us Over

Golden Globes Worst Dressed: WTF Was Up With The Hair?

Retro Masturbation Material: Susan Sarandon

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 22:02:00 GMT

In putting together this week's Top 5 Sex Scenes list, we rediscovered a lost gem... and decided against subjecting you to a clip from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, for which you should thank us...

#5: Pretty Baby. Until today, we had entirely forgot Sarandon was even in this movie... and, of course, that she was naked in it, touching her boobs with a wet finger. Yummy white powder.

#4: The Hunger. We've done this one to death... but how could you ever forgive us for leaving this off Susan Sarandon's list?

S Sarandon - Hunger

#3 & #2: Bull Durham. This one's a twofer, obviously. Who, in seeing this film, didn't run immediately home and knock everything off their kitchen counter/table for an evening of wild sex? And who among the single men who watched this movie didn't go home and knock everything off their table, just for the hell of it?

#1: White Palace. What is up with that sandwich? And why does it take her three seconds to get off once she's on top of him? These are just a small sample of the questions that a movie as bizarre and forgettable as White Palace will leave you with. Only the memory of this sex scene will keep you from having wasted your time.

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Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 50-41

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:41:00 GMT

This summer, we gave you the 50 Sexiest Albums of All-Time in an effort to help the music industry's sluggish sales numbers. Now, we present an even sexier compendium-- complete with a few NSFW scenes to warm up your November afternoon-- as well as background and trivia and everything else that we can think of to convince you to rent these the next time you want to seduce somebody...

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All Time: 50-41

50. The Seven Year Itch. Backstory: What more do you need than this, Marilyn Monroe's famous subway grate encounter? Trivia: It has the Joe DiMaggio Seal of Disapproval-- the scene was so sexy, her husband (that guy from the Mrs. Robinson song) fled and never came back. Irnoically, the skirt blowing up? Deleted from the movie itself. Luckily, the rest of the film is brimming with unconsummated sexuality.

49. Casablanca. Backstory: Not even the sexiest movie from 1943, this earns its place here for the most romantic scene in movie history, in our opinion. Watching Bogie decide to do the right thing and send the love of his life off on a plane with her husband is so damn manly of him that, at the mere reminder of this moment, our gonads hang in shame. Trivia: The original ending came very closed to being changed thank to the Allied invasion of Casablanca just before the film was to be released.

48. Cruel Intentions. Backstory: Is it wrong to choose this over Les Liaisons Dangereuses, its predecessor? No, for while Liaisons did have a notable sex scene featuring the breasts of Uma Thurman, it also featured the tongue of John Malkovich and didn't really capture our (sexual) interest throughout. Oddly enough, the sinister and more overt incestuous teasing Sarah Michelle Gellar puts Ryan Phillipe through kept us glued to this otherwise merely grade-B adaptation of the famed French novel. Trivia: The sequel was originally planned as a TV series called Manchester Prep; here's how bad it was: when Fox decided it was too risque for their radical right-wing mindsets, the producers simply slapped the first three episodes together, added a nude scene, and released it straight to video. Yep, it's that good... [NSFW naughtiness starting after the 40-second mark.]

47. Midnight Cowboy. Backstory: If you're over the age of 12, you've hopefully done your civic duty and watched the only (then-)rated X movie to win Best Picture. If you haven't, stop reading and add it to your queue at once. If you've already seen it, then you know the hilarious sex scenes and sexual tension between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman are only two of the reasons it helped to usher in a new dawn of gritty Hollywood filmmaking. Trivia: The film's famous party scene includes actual Warhol Superstars and the script was written by the great blacklisted writer Waldo Salt.

46. Flashdance. Backstory: While dancing in a lousy Pittsburgh bar and dreaming of studying at a nearby conservatory, Jennifer Beals meets the owner of a steel mill, where she also works. The two gradually fall in love... and yeah, you read Cinderella? You're tired of bad 80s music? Then you don't need this film. What you do need is this clip below... Trivia: The script was co-written by Joe Eszterhas, who went on to pen Showgirls and Basic Instinct.

45. Body Heat. Backstory: Hey, remember when Kathleen Turner used to be hot? We don't either-- although many people swear by the steamy Southern tale of murder, betrayal, and other cliched Hollywood plot twists. Trivia: Who cares about trivia? Watch this scene of unrestrained animal lust, which almost makes you forget it involves William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. [NSFW almost immediately.]

44. No Way Out. Backstory: Sean Young's character is so magnificiently attractive, not only does Kevin Costner risk life and life to sleep with her, but Gene Hackman ends up doing a terrible thing in rage because of her. (We won't say what it is, but here's a hint: they give it away on the back cover of the DVD, those idiots.) Trivia: This is the only film on this list that includes a sex scene in a movie vehicle. Also, nobody ever looked as good as Sean Young (!) does in that early party scene. Never ever. [NSFW almost immediately.]

43. Goldfinger. Backstory: It's fucking James Bond, yo, so there's your backstory. This is the one with Pussy Galore and all her hot young pilots, Shirley Eaton wearing only gold body paint, plus Sean Connery at his peak. Trivia: The Aston Martin spy car was introduced in this film and was such a successful inclusion it insured many films had donated product placements from them on.

42. Bound. Backstory: Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon make sex movie, yas. Trivia: This movie had a major cult following in the days before internet porn took off, and probably still does to this day. At one time, the phenomenon reached such a fever pitch, the following clip topped several Best Sex Scene Polls. The rest of the movie is pretty randy, too. [NSFW starting around the 4-minute mark.]

41. Bull Durham. Backstory: Who knew North Carolinans had such hot sex and great minor league sports teams? Trivia: The sex was so spectacular, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon decided to keep it going in real life... and they still do, or so we're told. Also, if you look closely, the note that Costner sends over to Sarandon doesn't say “I want to make love to you.” It says, “Wanna fuck this time?” And one more: Kurt Russell, who played minor league ball at one time, was originally set to star. [NSFW starts after a few minutes, then continues through two consecutive sex scenes.]

To be continued... your suggestions, as always, are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From TV Shows

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lizzy Caplan And Her HBO Porn Show Still Terrible, Terribly Hot

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:30:00 GMT

There we plenty of great sex scenes in the 80s... we will certainly be doing a sequel to this list at some point, since there about 1,187 equally worthy clips to show you just from those ten years... hell, even Porky's had a couple of good ones in there...

5. The Hunger. Some will argue this is one of the best sex scenes, period. We can't get over the terrible direction and distracting, awful music. But, hey, it's hard for this not to be hot...

4. Angel Heart. The decade's most controversial sex scene involved-- gulp-- Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet, which caused her TV Dad Bill Cosby to attack her in the media.

3. Devil in the Flesh - known mainly for its inclusion on those memorable lists of legitimiate theatrically-released movies featuring actual on-screen sex, this film is very difficult to find except from Mr. Skin and whatnot. We've seen it, but we didn't want to pay to download it just for this post, so here's a link and, below, a screenshot:

2. Cat People... with six-and-a-half minutes of clips from the movie... no graphic sex here, although there is some in the film (if only we could find it on the 'net.)

1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. As if this needs an intro... you already know which scene we're referring to...

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Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson Would Like You to Know What They Think of Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Are Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson the next Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins?

Last week, the couple made sure we took a few minutes to recognize the seventh anniversary of September 11, and yesterday, Lilo and Sam posted a joint MySpace blog post ranting on the GOP veep nominee, Sarah Palin.

Full text after the jump...

UH OH!
Current mood: shocked

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.

I couldn't be more supportive of a woman in office, but let's face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.

Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?

I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be... Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006.. And that she is not fond of environmental protection considering she's FOR drilling for oil in some of our protected land.... Well hey, if she wants to drill for oil, she should DO IT IN HER OWN backyard. This really shows me her complete lack of real preparation to become the second most powerful person in this country.

Hmmmm-All of this gets me going-Fear, Anxiety, Concern, Disappointment, and Stress come into play...

Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?

I know that the most important thing about this election is that people need to exercise their right to vote, regardless of their choice... I would have liked to have remained impartial, however I am afraid that the "lipstick on a pig" comments will overshadow the issues and the fact that I believe Barack Obama is the best choice, in this election, for president...

Palin's Desire to "save and convert the gays"-really??

According to this Associated Press story, the church of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is hosting a kind of conference devoted to the "conversion of Gays" -- no kidding.

Here's the AP text:

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) ? Gov. Sarah Palin's church is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer.

You'll be encouraged by the power of God's love and His desire to transform the lives of those impacted by homosexuality," according to the insert in the bulletin of the Wasilla Bible Church, where Palin has prayed since she was a child.

Palin's conservative Christian views have energized that part of the GOP electorate, which was lukewarm to John McCain's candidacy before he named her as his vice presidential choice. She is staunchly anti-abortion, opposing exceptions for rape and incest, and opposes gay marriage and spousal rights for gay couples.

http://zennie2005.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah-palins-church-hosts-anti-gay.html

I feel it's necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.

Women have come a long way in the fight to have the choice over what we do with our bodies... And its frightening to see that a woman in 2008 would negate all of that.

Oh, and...Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don't pose for anymore tabloid covers, you're not a celebrity, you're running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!

And in the words of Pamela Anderson, "She can suck it"..

--

Lindsay- "I have faith that this country will be all that it can be with the proper guidance. I really hope that all of you make your decisions based on the facts and what feels right to you in your heart-vote for obama!"

Samantha- "I love this country- however i wasn't born here and don't have the right to vote- so i beg of you all to really do your research and be educated when you cast your vote this coming november.... and if you're in doubt- vote for obama! Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won't get renewed!!!"

xoxo
Lindsay and Samantha

So far, the post has generated more than 1,000 comments. And we never thought we'd say this, but we couldn't agree more with LiLo.

[MySpace via Faded Youth]

Related:

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

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Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

Sloppy Seconds: And Just How Will Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Make a Baby?

Politics Is Makin' Everybody S' Crazy!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:31:00 GMT

Perhaps set off by Sarah Palin's explosive speech last night, the country is bursting at the seems with political intrigue, scandal, violence, and leaked reports of a Republican party implosion...

Noonan and Murphy on Palin

In this leaked clip from a commercial break following yesterday's Chuck Todd report on MSNBC, Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy appear to say the choice of Palin was "bullshit" and that "it's over" for McCain. However, both Noonan and Todd argue they were discussing the Republican Party's era of dominance, in a way, is finished. As Noonan put it in today's Wall Street Journal:

"I made the case that this is no longer true, that party leaders seem to me stuck in the assumptions of 1988 and 1994, the assumptions that reigned when they were young and coming up. 'The first lesson they learned is the one they remember,' I said to Todd -- and I'm pretty certain that is a direct quote. But, I argued, that's over, those assumptions are yesterday, the party can no longer assume that its base is utterly in line with the thinking of the American people. And when I said, 'It's over!' -- and I said it more than once -- that is what I was referring to. I am pretty certain that is exactly what Todd and Murphy understood I was referring to."

(If you can't understand what they're saying, you'll need this transcript.)

McCain Campaign Knocks Down Enquirer's Palin Rumor

The latest buzz about Sarah Palin's personal life has centered around a loudly-trumpeted National Enquirer story that supposedly claims the Governor cheated with her husband's business partner. Of course, right-wing bloggers, among the only factions picking up on the story, blame it on Obama:

Turns out upon examination that the story is based on an anonymous source which the paper itself describes as an “incredible charge” by a well-connected insider. The story apparently comes down to someone in the Obama campaign feeding the Enquirer a line. That sheepish disclaimer did not pacify Sarah Palin’s team who are going to make a political issue out of media bias and dirty tricks from the Obama campaign. [Right Celebrity]

It should be noted that in no mainstream news report on this story does anyone mention this alleged "disclaimer."

Sarandon Hits Out At "Whiner" Clinton

In a recent interview, Susan Sarandon told an unknown media outlet that she would never play Clinton in a movie:

"At this point, to say after what's happened to her campaign and how they squandered all that money and all the different reasons her campaign fell apart, to blame it on sexism, I find so destructive to every young girl who dreams about making a difference through government.
"Instead of saying, 'Look how far I've gotten and you can do it too,' and all the positive things she could have done, she's turned into such a blamer and whiner, as if that was the reason, when clearly she wouldn't have been in the position she was in if she hadn't been a woman." {emphasis added} Um, kinda like Sarah Palin, no?

FBI Wanted To Charge Obama Plotters, But Rove Appointee Said "No"

Easily the most outrageous story we've heard this week, it turns out the supposed assassins busted in Colorado last week were much more serious than a local prosecutor suggested. Check out the charges:

Adolf said "it would not matter if he killed Senator Obama because police would simply add a murder charge to his pending charges," according to the records. There were seven outstanding warrants for Adolf's arrest.

The underage woman told law enforcement that Adolf also talked about using "a high-powered rifle 22-250 from a high vantage point" to shoot Senator Obama during his acceptance speech at INVESCO Field at Mile High during the DNC.
When police searched the hotel rooms and cars the men were using, they confiscated meth, needles, laptops, cell phones, a black mask, books indicating check fraud and forgery, bags of new clothes, tactical pants and bar coupons.

Based on the evidence, FBI special agent Robert Sawyer believed there was probable cause to charge the men with conspiracy to kill Senator Obama. However, US Attorney Troy Eid last week said there is insufficient evidence to indicate a true threat, plot or conspiracy against the senator.

For God's sake, the man's name was Adolf!

Meanwhile, it turns out this is the same prosecutor who called a press conference and blasted an inmate who sent fake anthrax powder to McCain's office just two weeks ago. Hmmm...

Read more at Firedoglake.

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

Caption This: Sarah Palin's Stilettos

Scanner Emily's Last Palin Post for the Day (If She Can Help It)

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Somehow not #1, Susan Sarandon...

According to a poll of British lesbians, the sexiest woman over fifty is...

...Dame Helen Mirren, who is still hotter than a solar flare the age of 62. Mirren is followed by Susan Sarandon (61 yrs), Meryl Streep (59 yrs), Goldie Hawn (62 yrs), Dolly Parton (62), and Joan Collins (75.)

In the most disgusting story to come out of the death of Jesse Helms, Senator Elizabeth Dole, who is in a fierce battle for re-election, tried to change the name of an AIDS funding bill to include Senator Helms in the title. If you don't know why this is offensive, here's a hint: it would be like naming a bill that protects detainee rights after Alberto Gonzales.

(By the way, we were just reminded of this video, from back in 1990, of gay activists "condomizing" Jesse's house.)

John McCain avoided answering a question from the New York Times as to whether he believed an orphanage was actually better for a kid than gay parents.

Massachusetts just voted to overturn a law banning out-of-state couples from marrying there. There's sure to be a surprise JetBlue sale to Boston this weekend...

And it was announced that on July 23, the House of Representatives will revisit "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," complete with lesbian military women testimony.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Michael McDonald Still Hasn't Called

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Damn, this was a busy week. We fell in and out of love, we traveled, we encountered racism, and as always, we saw some boobs. Oh, and story of our lives: he never called.

Highs:

Susan Sarandon's boobs.

A sandwich that we want to make love to (even if we might throw up a little after).

You can now get a double dildo in Texas!

If you like "The Wire," you'll love "Wire You Laughing?"

Coolio has a cooking show and we want in on that shit.

Michael Musto does Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe... a little better, if you ask us.

A pro-Barack Obama video not made by Will.I.Am.

Ellen Page might have come out on Saturday Night Live. Or maybe not.

Lows:

As much as we'd like to think otherwise, we learned that Kansas City—Scanner Emily's hometown, which is in Missouri—is still a little racist.

Women running in high heels to prove that "shopping is a sport."

At least we get something out of bad movies: great reviews.

We're not sure if this is actually a good or bad thing, but Italian men are being fined for grabbing their crotches in public.

Outer Space can suck it. So there.

Can we just wrap-up this Democratic primary already?

Michael McDonald never called Scanner Emily. We're still waiting!

We learned that Hooters will survive the apocalypse.

Retro Masturbation Material: Susan Sarandon

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Maybe David Unger wasn't achieving the same kind-of orgasms he had in the 90's, or maybe he was just feeling nostaligic. Either way, he decided to jerk off to Susan Sarandon "for old time's sake."

"It was great to fantasize about Susan again," said Unger, who had not fantasized about Sarandon since 1994, when she played a tough-but-sultry lawyer in The Client. "It just felt natural and right. Almost like I never stopped in the first place."

"She still looks absolutely amazing," Unger continued. "Susan is just as sexy as the first time I climaxed thinking about her after that midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Maybe even sexier, if that's possible. The years have been very good to her."

Alright, you caught us. This is an Onion story, but a hilarious one at that. Obligatory old-school Susan Sarandon boobs after the jump. And just think, we wouldn't have found them had we not turned off our SafeSearch!

[The Onion: Susan Sarandon Masturbated To For Old Time's Sake]